What the….

One of my almost daily rituals, is to log into the site-manager section of this blog, and see what crazy routes strangers take, to find themself at this blog. There’s been some real doozies in the past, but I think today I found my all-time favorite.
There’s of course the usual search engine terms that led people here like: Erin Andrew’s nude, and Side Boob. I do admit, that simply typing the words Side Boob into google will lead you here makes me very warm and fuzzy inside.
However, the one right at the bottom came as a surprise.
Take a peak.

Search Engine Terms

These are terms people used to find your blog.

Today

Search	Views
rachel hunter	4
elle macpherson nude	2
elle macpherson	2
elle macpherson sports illustrated sprea	1
rachel hunter millioncelebs	1
erin andrews nude photos	1
charissa thompson big ten brunette	1
elle macpherson, playboy	1

Yesterday

Search	Views
elle macpherson nude	10
rachel hunter	4
rachel hunter playboy gallery	4
elle macpherson playboy	3
carol cleveland nude	1
steve lavin wife pictures	1
nude elle macpherson	1
sideboob	1
great moments in tailgating history	1
www.chrishasaids.com	1

 

What the hell?
Is this really what it’s come too? I guess it could be worse, I did say I may have contracted Super AIDS a few times, but it turns out that was just poison ivy. I never would have thought it would come to this.
I of course had to type www.chrishasaids.com into google just to see what all the fuss was about. After all, one other person did it and ended up here. I have to nip these things in the bud before a trend begins and this site goes from the craphole it is now, to an AIDS sight.
What I found was a little surprising. I was number 2 in the results, which made me feel a little better. Number one, was a facebook page, about some dude who may or may not have just died of AIDS. Half the people were making fun of this guy, and the other half were truly concerned about him. I couldn’t tell if Chrishasaids was some dude who actually had aids, or is the british version of gay humor like the Chuck Norris jokes were in America.
Number 3, was maybe the dumbest youtube video ever, about two gay high school kids arguing about which of the two had AIDs. After watching about 9 seconds of it, I determined that if either one had it, the other would be getting it soon enough.
So now I’m in a pickle.
On one hand, I like that people can accidently stumble upon this site when they are looking for something completely different. I like thinking that maybe somehow, in some little way I was able to ruin their day.
On the other hand, I can’t have a bunch of AIDs people visiting this site. I have a PC, and get a ton of viruses, the last thing I need is a bunch of AIDS floating around on my computer. I really don’t want to have to go to all the trouble of finding how to block my site from the search engines. i have neither the focus, nor the CPU skills to pull that off, and besides. If I did that, where would all the people looking for Elle MacPherson nude photo’s go?

Slow down folks

It hurts me to do this, it really does, but someone has to do it. Something I actually like, is getting a little carried away. At least their fans are. Somebody needs to step up and knock them down a peg.
I’ve hear the saying a lot in my life, but I’m not sure I’ve ever used it before. Somebody out there is getting a little big for their britches.
I’m talking about University of Cincinnati Football, and most importantly, the Bearcats fans. I like UC football. I root for them whenever they are on, and hope they can become a perennial power out of the Big East, and shine a light on the football talent in Ohio. The problem is, with their recent success, fans who should be grateful, and cordial, are getting a little carried away.
UC football went from loveable loser’s, to everybody’s darling, to University of Kentucky basketball fans, in about a year and a half.
They’re like Reds Sox fans after they won their first World Series. They had a ton of “extra” fans, who were pulling for the loveable loser’s, and then after they finally won something, they started acting like Yankees fans. I’m sad to say, I once owned a Red Sox hat. My bad on that one. 
If I have to hear from one more UC fan, about how they are “sooo much better than Ohio State” I’m going to shove a skyline cheese coney up someone’s anus. UC, is in no way better than OSU. Yes, they are good, and can put up a ton of points, but OSU’s defensive line would have a field day with the bearcats. I realize Tony Pike can pile up stats, and yes, is a far better passer than Terrelle Pryor. But OSU could still beat UC even with a bad outing from Terrelle. The difference between these two players is, nobody in a UC jersey could corral Pryor, and there is about 16 defenders who play regularly for the Buckeyes, that could end Pikes career.
It’s not like UC has been beating up on the AFC North here. It’s the Big East.
Look, I’m pulling for UC, and hope they can win out. However, I really, really do not want to have to watch Florida, or Texas beat them by 30 in the title game. Hope for a bowl showdown against TCU, or Boise State Bearcats fans. Know your place in society.
I hope UC can keep getting better, and maybe even become an in-state rival, who can have yearly match-ups with my Buckeyes. I just want UC fans to get some perspective. This is the worst OSU team in the past 5 years maybe, and I’m still pretty certain they could cover a 10 point spread against UC. On the flip side, this si th best UC team, since they started using facemasks.
Be happy with what you’ve got going, but try to be somewhat gracious with your limited success. If not, I’m going to start lobbying for a Xavier Football squad, just so they can beat you in football every year also.

Whooohooohahahaha!

Oh how happy am I?
Almost too happy for words. But I’ll still give it a shot.
Buckeyes, as I have said, won the one game that would decide whether or not they would win the Big Ten, and now all of Buckeye nation has forgotten about Purdue, which could be a Big Ten Bowl spoiler, if they can pull it off and be eligible,
My Blue Jackets, picked themselves’ up off the ice, and all of a sudden are in first place in their division.
Tim Tebow’s stats are so bad, even a total retard will admit he can’t win a Heisman.
Charlie Weiss, the smartest football mind of all time, is only weeks away from joining 3 time Heisman trophy winner Ron Powlus as the most worthless turd in Notre Dame history, and also adding to the unemployment stats. Can’t wait to see how long it takes chuck to burn through 18 million dollars at the Sizzler.
And of course, MY Bengals!
Oh, my Bengals. How happy have you made me? Next week doesn’t even matter. We’re so far ahead of schedule on my 9 wins prediction, that I could care less about a game in Pittsburgh. We’ve got Cleveland, Oakland, and Detroit sitting out there in our final six games. We may actually make the Playoffs. All I care about is the cash. I spoke with the guy who bet me on the total number of Bengals wins tonight, and he all but conceded.
Part of the reason this all tastes so sweet, is the way it went down.
While watching the pre-game shows, I saw, and heard, the same things, over, and over, and over. “The Ravens defense” was gonna be the reason Baltimore would win this game. A rare mention about sensible things, from people who actually watch the games like, “Cedric Benson”, and “The Bengals Offensive Line”. For the most part, the pro’s went with the ole stand-by, the Ravens Defense.
I was actually mad at my television before the game. partly because I couldn’t believe how blatantly obvious it was that these guys had no clue about what they were saying, partly because I saw Dan Fouts was doing the game. Is it that hard to figure out?
The current year, is 2009. Not 1999. The Ravens defense, isn’t half as good as the Bengals. Plain and simple. Yes, they make some mistakes, and are missing a few key pieces, but in every aspect the guys in the striped helmets are better than the Baltimore version.
Linebackers? We have Keith River’s, and my new best friend Rey Mauluga to go along with a solid Dhani Jones. Baltimore has lost it’s best linebacker to free agency each of the last two years. Ray Lewis is a mere figurehead, who’s next shot at glory is a feature role on the CBS show Cold Case, as an accessory to Murder.
DB’s? I’ll take Jo-Jo, and Leon Hall, over the soft corners of Baltimore every week. Ed Reed is nice, but an NFL Safety needs a little help from his friends to be great, and Ed’s friends are second tier.
DL? It’s close here, but the Bengals own the depth on this one, as seen last week, when each team was without it’s best lineman.
The proof, is now in the pudding, and I love pudding.
So thanks idiot ESPN/CBS analysts, who haven’t paid attention to anything but highlights the last ten years. Thanks for making this win that much more sweet. Without you, it would have been just another win I expected to happen.
Because of you I’m not even worried about whether or not Chris Henry gets addicted to painkillers.

 

Slump Busted

Stupid Iowa! Didn’t you fat unattractive bastards get the memo about being the sacrificial top 5 team that would end the Buckeyes drought? It was all right there. It was gonna be perfect. A “top 5″ team, missing their starting running back, with an already shitty QB, and a whole bunch of white guy starters, coming into the horseshoe, on senior day, to decide the Big Ten title, and a trip to the Rose Bowl. Now, it’s all but academic.
Iowa, was supposed to end our slump. They were sooo ripe for the picking. They were cinderella at about 11:59 p.m. They were the “kind-of fat” chick who just broke up with her cheating boyfriend at the bar at last call. They were gonna be our slump buster. They were gonna get us back in the saddle again, and give us hope for the future. It was almost money in the bank, now, it’s just gonna be 4 more quarters of Tressell ball, and then another watered down Big Ten title, followed by another game against a not even bowl-bound michigan team, that may not matter at all.
I may not even drink next weekend now.
Even with a who knows what you’re gonna get Buckeye offense, I still figured this to be a 10+ point Buckeye win. Now, their already shitty QB is out, and one can only wonder about the quality of the backup Iowa QB, it’s almost not even fun now.
Oh the best laid plans of mice, men, and Buckeye fans….
I guess we can just hope Miami wins out, and can start the season in the top 5, and we can break our streak against them next September in the shoe.
Until then, we’ll just have to settle for another BCS bowl catastrophe in Pasadena. (Please don’t lose anymore Oregon, you over-rated bastards…we need you, and your one dimensional offense, and total lack of defense)

Worst Yankee fan ever

This becoming a Yankee fan thing, has been a lot harder than I thought. Maybe it’s because I was born a Reds fan, and am destined to die a Reds fan. Maybe I’m just addicted to failure, or at least just pleased with mediocrity. Or, maybe the Yankees are just fags, no matter how much they win. I just can’t swing it.
I really did try to be a Yankees fan, but it wasn’t meant to be. I rooted against them the whole time, even when I was reminding myself I was a Yankees fan now. First their was the Twins, who at various times have sported a logo with my initials on it. How can i root against them? Then, the Angels, whom I knew the Phillies could beat, but also are so harmless, unless you are a hug fan of the city of Anaheim, how can you not like them. All this time, I kept trying to root for the Yanks. I think  my original plan was that they would be playing the Red Sox at some point in the playoffs, making it easier to like them. Once they started playing the Phillies, I stopped trying to even pretend to like the Yankees. Maybe I should have pretended to be a Phillies fan.
So here I sit, my “team” is about to win it all, and I feel like throwing up. Every time the camera pans to the crowd, I am reminded of why I have always hated the New York Yankees.
I hate it when southerners, and foreigners refer to me as a Yankee. I always correct them that I am a Red. This does confuse foreigners, but who cares? They are worthless and gay anyway. I hate seeing douche’s who fill the stands at Yankees games. I hate Derek Jeter. I hate A-rod. I hate Kate Hudson, who is a whore by any standards. I hate Joe Girardi, and really any other Yankee you can think of. I hate fat Italian guys with Yankees hats on. I hate mostly all Puerto Ricans, and guys with business suits on, and a Yankees hat. You live on an Island, go change your clothes. You have underground trains, it’s not like you have a hug commute from the office, to home to the Bronx. I hate all of you.
The only Yankee I find it hard to despise, is Mariano Rivera, but I still hate him a little.
I’d like to think I can rest easy tonight, once this is all over, that the curse of teams I jump to is over, but lets face it. I was never a Yankee fan. I respect myself too much to do that.
So I’m sure in a matter of minutes, this will all be over, and we can all deal with another off-season of the Yankees being the champs. I can live with that. Again. It does help knowing that 2010 is definitely the Reds year.

Lost

They are going to have to change the dictionaries definition of the word lost. I completely shattered the known definition of this word today, while driving through a part of Ohio that I pretend does not exist. Basically, for the better part of an afternoon, I cruised through every square mile of paved, and even un-paved roads in the Appalachian part of Ohio.
I went from thinking I was lost, to knowing I was lost, to wondering how the hell I could get myself back to where I was when i thought I was lost.
Most of the roads either had no sign, or the pole where the sign is supposed to go was missing. I was so far beyond lost, and running short on gas, and there was no sign of a gas station anywhere. I stumbled across several depressing towns, and found no gas stations, nor anyone I felt safe getting directions from. I was truly fucked.
Most of the locals had large 4 wheel drive vehicles, which normally use a lot of gas, but there was no indications that they get their gas locally. It was like those Mad Max movies, where gas is the new currency. I thought for a moment I was going to be attacked by rednecks with siphoning hoses.
I’ve decided that when i retire, I’m going to move there (assuming I can find it again) open a gas station, and charge an extra 3 bucks a gallon. I figure it’s gotta be cheaper for the locals than driving to Pittsburgh, or Columbus for their gas, which seems to be what they do now.
Maybe their trucks all run on moonshine, or meth. Maybe they have solved the gas crisis, and haven’t told anyone yet, and I was the only outsider to visit their land in decades.
At one point, I was running along side a very large river, that I hoped was not the Ohio River, as I was supposed to be nowhere near it.
I’ve been against the whole GPS thing, for a number of reasons, mostly because I would only need it once every 5 months, and since I am in the new home business, a lot of the streets I go to don’t technically exist yet. Today, I really needed a Garmin, or any other brand of annoying GPS device. Judging by the killer phone service I had, it wouldn’t matter anyway. I was truly fucked. My not at all helpfull mapquest print-out might have well have been just another Wendy’s napkin.
Lucky for me, I found some of the more “memorable” landmarks (the 2 dozen or so homemade ”Deer Processing” signs helped me become even more lost), and eventually found my way back to a decently paved highway, and 40 minutes later, I was back on good-ole I-70, headed for home, and gasoline.
I’m home, I’m safe, and have decided to jack my truck up on huge tires, and shoot a deer.

Well there’s your problem…

After watching Major League Baseball finally use their version of “instant” replay the other night. It was pretty easy to see where the problem is. Everybody in Baseball that is against instant replay, claims it will “slow the game down”. I love baseball maybe more than almost anyone I know, and even I need to drink when I watch. It’s a slow game as it is. The reason that instant replay will slow down the game, is because they use it in the worst way possible. About 7 minutes after everyone watching on television can see what the right call should be, MLB marches every one of the umpires, together, down into the clubhouse, to watch the play on television as well. By the time they march about 370 years worth of old dudes down into the basement, 15 minutes have already gone by. Then, these old fat bastards have to go all the way back to their positions, most likely out of breath, and suffering minor strokes.
Keep it simple baseball. Have one fat old guy in a booth, call down and give the final answer to the home plate  pre=”plate “>ump, and get on with it. It’s not that hard to figure out.
MLB is fighting this thing to the end, and they are working harder to make replay look bad, than they are trying to make the game fair, and entertaining. They use the worst replay system of any sport. They’re like the before videos on those info-mercials, where the guy sprays leaves all over himself trying to clean his gutter, or smears caulk all over the place, and then has that stupid look on his face that says, “there’s got to be a better way”. Except MLB doesn’t want to buy the solution.
It’s not that hard here people. Stop fighting it, and work at trying to make the game better. It shouldn’t take Billy Mays to show how easy it is.

Free Bob Griese!

Let me first say, I think Bob Griese is a giant turd. He used to be a great analyst, but now he’s just a bitter, senile old man. He was once the best in the business, now he’s only tolerable for the occasional time he says something just dumb enough to be hilarious.
That being said, he deserves better than this. By now, most of you know about him getting suspended for comments he made about NASCAR driver Juan Pablo Montoya, When his broadcast partner Chris Spielman asked about the NASCAR points standings, “where’s Juan Pablo Montoya?” Griese responded “probably out eating a taco”.
This for some reason has seemed to enrage the masses of the stupid. Griese apologized TWICE, later that evening. Both of which, were freaking hilarious. I only wish I had recorded it, as it would be my new ringtone.
The apology, though not in any way necessary, should have been more than enough.
Saying a guy with a hispanic name was eating a taco, is in no way offensive. It’s another sad display of how retarded our nation has become.
First off, can anyone prove he wasn’t in fact eating a taco? Did anyone think to ask Juan Pablo if he cared, or if he was in fact eating a taco at about 2:20 saturday afternoon? Some execs at ESPN/ABC would feel pretty stupid if he was eating a taco. Plus, he’s Colombian, which means he may not even like taco’s but from what knowledge of Columbians I’ve gained from the movie ‘Scarface’, and the book ‘Killing Pablo’, chances are whatever he was actually doing, was way worse than eating Taco’s, and maybe he could use the taco’s as an aliby. Plus, if all the retards who over react to anyone who isn’t a peace loving doucher like themself didn’t make a big deal about this, Montoya would have never know about any of this. People need to be a little more tolerant, of those who aren’t as tolerant as they are. It’s not the end of the world to joke about a hispanic eating a taco. Would it be as big of a deal if Spielman had asked about the whereabouts of a person with an irish name, and Griese responded, “at a bar”? He calls it like he sees it, and that’s a trait that’s getting hard to find these days. Lots of Irish people like to drink, and lots of Hispanics like taco’s, as well as people who aren’t either heritage. It’s not hurtful, it’s funny. Lighten up America.
Perhaps the biggest tragedy, is that Griese won’t be in the booth to say something really stupid this week. His crew has had some pretty crappy games this season, and his moronic comments have made them at least semi-watchable.
It’s gonna be a long week without Bob.

Wait for it…

I’ve ventured into the world of the unknown.
My Bengals, just kicked the crap out of another team, in every aspect of the game. It wasn’t even close. For the first time in my life (at least the part I remember) the Bengals were the big brother, who got to take out the frustration against the little, smaller, slower, and maybe even a little retarded brother. It was unreal.
As I sat watching, a strange feeling came over me. This was not how it’s supposed to go down. I kept waiting for the other show to drop, when in reality, the first shoe hadn’t even dropped yet. it was uncharted waters.
In every way possible, the Bengals dominated the Bears. They scored every drive of the first half, and the first drive out of halftime. They only had one incompletion at halftime.
Right out of the gate, they marched down the field. On defense, the Bears could do nothing. Every time a big play came up, the Bengals came out on top. It was like they were playing the scout team.
I had never seen anything like it before, in all my days. I’ve seen the Bengals put on a good show before, but it always came crashing down in the end, and even those good shows, paled in comparison to what I saw on Sunday.
it wasn’t wrong before I realized, all us Bengals fans were going to pay for this. Something really bad was going to happen. Somebody was going to get hurt, or worse. I tried to warn the team. It was to no avail.
By the time it was 38-3, I was beside myself. I figured the only way we could make this one up to Karma, was to forfeit the game, and apologize for the success.
I could remember one game a few years back where at halftime they had been mopping the floor with the Chargers. luckily, the Chargers came back and won it after one of the best come from behind performances in NFL history. We were save from fates wrath on that one. Balance was restored to the force so to speak.
Now, I have to wonder. If Karma didn’t even things out with the Bengals by now, maybe it’s going to take it out on me. It’s just not supposed to go down this way.
I’ll be blogging from a hidden location from here on out, waiting for the universe to get even with me. If nobody has heard from me by Wednesday, send more beer.

House for Sale

Well, the sign is in the yard, my house is on various websites (none of which have the words sex offender, or database in the title), our house is for sale.
There were a number of factors leading to this, but I have to say Time Warner Cable did this.
They have officially torn my family apart.
Okay, not really, but Time Warner totally blows, and yes, the house is really for sale. I am that much closer to living in a place where only satellite television can reach my, and I like it!
It’s a pretty cool house, if anyone wants to buy it. I would appreciate it. In this economy, you really can’t afford not to buy my house.
I have noticed people slowing down, and stopping in front of my house, turning around, and doing the same. Fortunately, I have managed to run most of them off, so we’re good there.
Along with random people scrutinizing the way you live, trying to sell your house blows for a number of reasons. Obviously, you have ot be somewhat clean, in case anyone wants to check out the crib. Besides that, there is the whole “neighbors looking at you funny” thing. They look at you like you are a sell-out, and I actually like this also. Some of their pets crap in my yard, and I hope a registered sex offender buys my house to get back at them.
I’m ready to move. Someone please buy my house. I’ll be your best friend.