God Bless America!

Here we are, the greatest non-sports weekend of the year. Some call it Independance day, some call it the 4th of July, some call it Fuck you England day. Whatever you call it, I hope everyone enjoys themselves irresponsibly this weekend. It’s the time of year when white trash everywhere don their finest tank tops and jean shorts, slap their wives, grab an 18 pack of Keystone and head out to a fireworks show, in hopes that one of their kinfolk will blow off enough fingers so they will have to give away their NASCAR tickets for the next weeks race. So here’s some tips on how to enjoy this fine day like a true American. Try and avoid the “social” fireworks displays, put on in local parks, and cities. Show your american spirit, buy some illegal fireworks, or make your own, and blow some shit up. Plan on drinking all day also. Plan on drinking more beer than what the laws of physics should allow. Remember my 4th of July drinking guide. For every hour you hope to drink, have at least 6 beers. Ideally, each person will have 2 cases to themselves, just to have a few leftovers for any unexpected guests. Try and spend the day on or near a large body of water. This will help periodically sober you up, and provide relief if you happen to blow yourself up, or catch yourself on fire. This also is a good place to be late at night, with the ladies. Remember, one person swims without a swimsuit, everyone goes without a swimsuit. Don’t worry about fat chick skinny dipping either. The two cases of beer you just drank will take care of that. Try and bring enough stuff to grill for 4 meals. Lunch, Dinner, Pre-skinny dipping, and bratwurst omelets with that fat chick you just met the night before. Plan on having a raging fire nearby. Plan on making it burn from the moment it drops below 85 degrees, till that last beer is gone, Plan on making an enemy with your illegal/homemade fireworks. Plan on having to apologize, and or buy somebody a new car/child. Plan on making such an ass of yourself, that you won’t go in public for at least a week. If everyone follows these few simple rules, our founding fathers will look down on us with pride. Happy Birthday America!

 

Piling on

So just as the poison ivy is starting to wind down. A new threat has evolved. Sun Burn. The steroids are as good as advertised. Despite the drastically shrunken testicles, I feel like a new man. A stronger, healthier, less itchy new man, with compiling rage, but I’ll take it. So yesterday, we ran into some issues at work. Long story short, my worthless workers, fell way short of getting some stuff done, with looming deadlines, and a beer drinking holiday staring us in the face. So we brought in the closer. Me. I was to go and finish a job that two guys could not do in two trips there. (there trips usually involve getting lost, going to the wrong job, sitting around debating what is better to huff, paint thinner vs. brake cleaner, and just being flat out worthless) I was basically in the middle of nowhere, perfect weather, all day to myself, to get this stuff done. A little fresh air and some excercise, and some time alone with my thoughts. I actually had been looking forward to it. Not only would it give me a little excercise, and some clarity away from the office, I could make the guys who get paid to do this stuff look really bad. I also was going to get one bad-assed tan. Now I’ve received a total of 1 hour and 30 seconds of shirtless time in the sun this year. One hour fishing topless, (hence the poison ivy) and 30 seconds early one saturday when I went out to get the paper in my underwear (my neighbors usually sleep in). I armed myself with some delicious gatorade Tiger sports drinks, some granola bars, and some aerosol sunscreen. The aerosol kind was designed to make the hard to reach places, reachable. Wrong. What a shitty idea. Had I used no sunscreen, I would have only had my shirt off, just long enough to get some rays. The aerosol sunscreen gave me a false sense of security. Now my backside looks like a map of the far east in beautiful white and red blotches. Apparently all the sunscreen that landed on my back, just reflected the suns rays onto the bare spots. Now the scabbing on my stomach from the poison ivy (I scratched it a little) has made bending forward difficult. The charred skin on my back has made bending backwards impossible. I’m now limited to little gyrating motions left and right. I move like the “my humps” video, except my face is nowhere near as jacked up as fergies, and I’ve been with roughly half as many black dudes as she has. My wife has made me promise to leave my shirt on this weekend (sha as if). Ever have a sunburn, that’s way worse 24 hours later? Fuck you Coppertone. I should have known better than to trust a product with a half naked baby on it’s logo. I’m issuing a one week boycott of all companies affilliated with naked babies. Coppertone, the Catholic Church, and even Kewpee. Even though I will be making a visit to Lima, the kewpee boycott should go easy, as I’m bringing about 30 pounds of Brisket for the smoker. The plan was to man the smoker all day, cooking ribs, brisket, and other delights, while taking periodic breaks to the pond, and of course, mass quantities of beer. The new plan is to smear a fine mix of motor oil, and crisco on the un-burnt sections of my back, so I have a nice even burn all the way around. This way next week on vacation, people think I’m just some drunk dude who passed out in the sun, and not some lepper colony escapee.

I did manage to see one thing that cheered me up. Yesterday, some dude, who apparently was going to be there to do some stucco work, showed up, asked me if anyone else had been there, then went into a rant about the dirty mexicans before leaving. Apparently a bunch of metal buckets, Chicken wire, and other tools had dissapeared. Today I had to stop back at the same job-site. Sitting in the driveway was a group of Mexicans. Seven of them had arrived in what appeared to be an old Ryder moving truck. They were grilling meat and veggies, on homemade grills made of halfed out metal buckets, and chicken wire. Pure fucking genius. Not only did they steal this dudes shit, they came back, and rubbed it in his face by using it to show off their resourcefulness to cook a hot lunch. This just goes to show. If we try and put up a fence on the mexican border, some day that same fence will dissapear, only to be reborn in the form of one bad assed treehouse, or condominium complex. This Buds for you, you brilliant mexican bastards.

 

Chris uses steroids

With all the talk to a follow up to the infamous Mitchell report, I thought I’d pull a Giambi, and come clean now. It’s the same ole story, boy finds himself in a tough situation, boy turns to steroids to get out. So yes, I am a user. It all started about 6 hours ago, but, I’ve been clean since. Except, I’ll start again tomorow, and so on. Before jose canseco can write another book, I thought I’d come beat him to the punch. So the poison ivy has gotten better in a few spots, only to show up just as bad in more spots. Now they say it does not spread, and that after about day 4, no new spots should show up. This is day 16. I had to ditch the calamine, and internet home remedies, and head to a medical professional. So this is how it goes.

At the doctor, I was confronted by a shady character, who offered me a way out. He’s the only non-OSU grad at our doctors office, in fact he went to Northwestern, which is pretty much a dry campus, so he can’t be trusted. He’s also the same guy who “recommended” surgery for my torn rotator cuff, so his track record is less than stellar. Knowing I was running low on yet another bottle of calamine, I was desperate. He said I wasn’t the worst case he has ever seen, but I was the worst he has seen this year. Apparently, poison ivy can get into the blood stream. He assured me that I don’t have aids, just poison ivy in the blood stream, but what I remember from the greg luganis after school special, it’s pretty much the same thing. He told me the benefits of steroids, and I gotta admit, he made it sound pretty awesome. He claims I won’t go into any violent mood swings, or grow 2 hat sizes, but I’m hoping he’s wrong. At least now if I beat my wife, I can go on Oprah, and blame the drugs and make millions in a tell all book. At the very least, I now have someone to blame for really small genitals. Today was the first time I’ve had time to waste on “doctors” in a couple of weeks, so I thought I’d listen to what he said. He reached into his lab coat posket, and since we were talkin roids, I started to drop my pants. Apparently not all steroids are injected into ones ass, by a beefy latin baseball star. Oh well. he pulled out a prescription for “pill” steroids, which I’m sure aren’t nearly as cool as what Bonds takes. I was in and out in less than 15 minutes total. Half of that time was wasted on getting weighed, and having some chick check my blood pressure. This was all after I told them I was there for ‘poison ivy’, why I needed weighed, and measured is beyond me. Plus the chick who weighed me, could never work as a carnie, cause she way over-estimated my weight. If only she knew I drank that diet Dr. Pepper a few weeks ago, she would have guessed about 15 pounds lighter. Anywhoo, I now have a filled prescription for roids, and will likely snap at any minute. Just to be safe I’m going to wear a tank top, and zubaz pants to work tomorow. I’ll keep everyone posted on my results. If nothing else, I can try and score some cattle steroids like the pro’s use, just to make it a better story.

It recently has been brought up by a few folks, that the “who would you rather bang?” series is well missed. In honor of my newfound drug use, and some readers request’s, I’m bringin it back. I had a few great suggestions on some worthy contestants, which I will get to in time. For today though, I’d thought I’d stick with people who’s lifes have been effected by steroids.

Mindy McCready vs. Marion Jones

Miss McCready, stumbled her way into the steroid conversation, when her affair with captain insano himself, roger clemens came to light. I guess as she stumbled in, she fell and busted her face up as well. http://blogs.kansascity.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/07/23/mccready.jpg Apparently it all started when she was 15 years old, so you know she’s easilly talked into stuff, by guys who can buy her beer. It looks as though she was at least hot at one point in her life, http://members.aol.com/cntrylyrcs/imnotsotough.jpg but that won’t do her any good here. No, the rules on this one are as is. Besides, you can’t go back intime for her, that’s when she was the property of Dean Cain, the guy who played superman on a show nobody watched. Miss mcCready has fallen on some hard times as of late. She’s been beat up by some boyfriends, and arrested a few times, not to mention the ride on the “rocket”. She looks to revive her career though, and I’m sure making it into the WWYRB series will send her well on her way to regaining her lost glory.

Her opponent is as formidable as any we’ve seen here so far. Marion is either actually a chick, or she does a bang up job of tucking it to the side http://media1.msnbc.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photos/060819/060819_jones_vmed_4p.widec.jpg Miss Jones herself, is no stranger to the seroid circuit. Not only is she an admitted user, who has seen most of her records, and medals taken away for being juiced, she’s also managed to marry two admitted steroid user’s as well. Despite her massive physique, she’s not afraid to lady it up http://in.rediff.com/sports/2002/dec/04jones.htm but what she’s best known for is the fact that she in no way resembles a dude http://www.bbv-net.de/public/zoompicture/aktuelles/sport/mehr/andere/bild/253433 and here http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/football/news/2001/11/29/glenn_suspended/ 

so, lets all weigh this one out, it’s been awhile, but that’s no reason to rush on a decision. Both these ladies are quite stunning in their own way. good luck, and let the voting begin.

 

 

Duck and cover

So last night, I had planned on a semi-early bed time. The college world series was over, my paper work was done, Dylan was sound asleep, all was going as planned. As I settled in for a long summers nap, I turned on the t.v. for some late night history channel. Thirty seconds later, the news hit. TORNADO WARNING. That loud baaaaaaaaah baaaaaaaaaah baaaaaaaaaaaaah! noise that is usually reserved for “testing” the emergency broadcast system. Streaming across the screen, was the warning, for franklin county. Then the computer voice assured me a tornado was on it’s way. Then, the tornado sirens went off outside in the distance. How could this be? I strategically moved to an area with zero trailer parks, for this reason only. I weighed my options. Since there will never be a tornado exactly in our neighborhood, just turn the channel, and doze off, or take our 3 month old baby into the basement. We picked the latter. Off to the basement we go. Fortunately, I had the foresight to install a bar and HD tv down there. All channels were telling us there was a tornado warning. Even HBO. We pay extra for that, there should be no warnings on HBO, I will soon ask for a partial refund. I want movies I have seen 12 times, boxing, Curb your enthusiasim,and late night soft core pornography, nothing else. So there we were watching HD weather news, a little after midnight, waiting for the world to end. Then they said the single most fucked up thing I may have ever heard. “A tornado Warning, does not mean there is a tornado, just that the conditions are right for a tornado” Seriously? Shouldn’t “tornado warning” mean there is actually a tornado? Shouldn’t the sirens be to worn us, we are actually in danger? Prisons don’t say “escaped convict warning” just cause the conditions are right for it. Life guards don’t taste to see if the ocean is still salty, and then put up the shark warning flags, just cause the conditions are right for sharks to arrive. Why do we have warnings and watches, when neither means anything different than the other? What happens when there is actually a tornado? Do they call us personally and tell us we are fucked? Normally I would have stayed in bed, or said “sweet” and went outside with beer and a camera. Now that I’m a father, I try for the occasional responsible act. When it’s all for nothing, I get a little pissed. I know quite a bit about the home building field, so I know if a tornado does come, we’re up shit creek either way. I know enough of the details to know my house has no fucking chance. I know a 2 by 4 is neither 2 or 4. I know the people who got hired to build my house, did so because they were the lowest bidder. I know that no matter how professional, intelligent, hard working, or trustworthy the sub-contractor was, they like myself, employed a fleet of retards, with multiple STD’s and a slight addiction to huffing spray paint, and crystal meth. I know that the guy who’s job it was to do quality control checks, was likely put there, because that was the job where he could do the least amount of damage. I know the inspector who checked everything, is easilly distracted by comments like “that’s a nice mustache”, or “hey, is that an old cop car?” I know the guy who did all the home-improvement projects in this house was a cynical asshole who was drinking during every project. No room in this shack is going to save me, or anybody. Going to the basement increases my chance of survival by zero percent. But, there is a bar and HD t.v. there. All I can do, is pick what I’m wearing when they pull my bloated corpse out of the rubble. So tonight, when I go to bed, and the clouds come a-rollin in. I’ll sleep soundly, in a pair of my wife’s panties, and a Makers Mark hat, slathered head to toe in calamine lotion.

The NBA draft is tonight! It’s nowhere near as awesome as the NFL draft, but it does deserve some attention. The NFL gives all it’s players a pre-draft test called the wonderlic test. This test is designed to test a players over-all intelligence, and life skills. It’s results are somewhat controversial. As far as I know the NBA has nothing of the sort. So I have decided to compile a different version of the wonderlick test, designed for incoming NBA players. so here we go.

1. You are shopping for an automobile. Which of the following, allows you to bring home the most bitches? A. Lincoln Navigator. B: Mercedes E-Class. C: Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle

2. If you father 6 children with 5 different women, how many women have you had more than one child with?

3. Your european teamate speaks little english. How can you help him adjust to life in america. A: introduce him to Marijuana. B: Learn to speak italian. C; take him to a strip club

4. You are headed on a road trip. Which of the following should you not bring through airport security.          A: 9mm handgun. B: bag of canadian pot C: travel yatzee

5. Your teamate has started a fight outside a strip club at 4 a.m. what should you do?  A:throw him in a nearby taxi. B: fire your gun into the air. C: flee, and run-over a bouncer on your way out.   

6. You have impregnated an underage girl in Utah, who do you call? A: your attorney B: Kobe Bryant. C: Shawn Kemp

7. You are at a casino with Charles Barkley, and just won $125,000. How much do you tip your dealer?  A:$2,000.00 B:$25,000.00 C: your autograph on the back of a call-girl flyer.

8. You just signed a 1 million dollar shoe deal. Your ex-girlfriend gets half in child support, how much does she get

9. You get hit with a flying cup of beer while laying on the scorers table in detroit. What do you do now. A: point out the culprit to security. B: Beat his punk ass, or anyone who looks funny C: Let your crew handle your business

10. You have a 72 inch wingspan, and 14 inch biceps. How many 8 inch tatoos can you fit on each arm?

11. Your roadtrip roomate is Kyle Corver. What movie should you watch back at the hotel A: Scarface. B: The Matrix. C: Brokeback Mountain. 

 

 

Reds

It’s good to know there are other reds fans out there, feeling my pain. Here is a video that describes best both the hope, and agony or being a cincy fan.  http://youtube.com/watch?v=JoF3SbtYR20 

 

New tricks

Today I learned just how multi-talented, I really am. While holding dyaln, and rocking him to sleep, I managed to get my foot halfway up rudi’s ass, without waking the baby. Well done indeed. Over the weekend, I managed to dupe a major sporting goods chain, into taking back my ill-fitting shoes that rudi had previously chewed up. I managed to make them look halfway decent, tucked the laces in so you could not tell the tips were chewed up. As for the holes in the in-sole, and the teeth marks in the rubber, I kinda hoped that would get passed over. I switched boxes, and stuffed the tissue paper back in, heading for the store. I was greeted by a manager who said she would keep them at the counter, until i picked out a new pair. Long story short, she said she would over look the fact that they were obviously worn, and let me switch them out. She said she could tell, because the bottoms were dusty. Not to mention the fact that a dog ate them. Ahh blondes. The interseting part, is that when I actually tried on a new pair, they again didn’t fit. Some kid who worked there put my foot in that little measuring thing that I doubt I’ve used since I was 11. To my surprise I am one whole size bigger than what I thought. All my size 11 shoes seem to fit fine, how can this be? Did my feet grow in the past couple months? What other body parts do I need to re-measure? I feel like I’m heading out into the great unknown.

As for the poison ivy, I think I may be turning the corner. My right eye is beginning to swell shut, and the enemy is advancing on my crotchal region, but my calamine defenses are holding strong. Last night may have been the worst yet. I itched all over, and could not sleep. I got up, popped a few benadryl, and some advil, chugged about two inches out of a fresh bottle of maker’s mark, put on some gloves, and crashed on the couch. I slept great after that. I did manage to wake up with only one glove on, and can’t find the other. I am done asking advice from the internet. I was told that bathing in bleach would heal it up instantly. Wrong. What this does is alerts you to any minor skin irritation, cut, scrape or bruise. Most of your body burns, and it doesn’t wash off. the fact that you feel like you are on fire, does make you forget about the itching however. stick with the calamine. I am felling better tonight, and no new rashes have formed, other than the usual one brought on by my herpes simplex type 14, but that’s to be expected.

I had a whopper today, and there were no tomato’s on it. why the hell is everyone so scared of a little salmonella, or e-coli? yeah you get sick for a couple days, but who cares. Unless you are really old, or have aids, whats the big deal. Almost every night, the news talks about obesity in america. what better way to lose a quick 8-22 pounds than an intestinal pathogen? There is none. I say order extra tomato’s, in fact, let your sanwhich sit in the sun for a few hours, then eat it. stay close to a toilet for a day or so, then move on. If you still need to lose more weight, eat more tomato’s. Getting salmonella or e-coli is no big deal. In fact, jack-in-the box has made a fortune off this gamble. As a true chicken wing fanatic, I’ve had many a run-in with salmonella. sure you may wake up to realize the itchy sensation in you pants is because you have soiled yourself, but that’s gonna happen sooner or later anyway. Ask an old person. Lay off the pilates, and special yogurt. The fiber, or the running program. Just go to a sportsbar every night, order wings, and let it ride. Just hope you don’t have a road trip, or a big date the next day. If you do, pack plenty-o gum, cologne, and air freshner, and keep the extra t.p. close by.

 

Happy anniversary to me!

this is shaping up to be one hell of an anniversary. Got to get up early and hang with dylan, and when I got the paper, I received some more good news. The Jackets acquired R.J. Umberger, in a trade with philly! Umberger, a former buckeye star, is a stud who can play center, or wing on the first line, and is a Ken Hitchcock man. He was a beast in the playoffs last season. The pick we traded to get RJ was essentially the pick we got for trading Adam Foote’s worthless ass. We also picked up the 3rd best offensive player in the draft. The buckeyes football team got a commitment from a florida receiver, who’s father is none other than Cris Carter. All I need now is for reds rookie Daryl Thompson to blow away the yankees in his first ever start. I’ll also accept seeing “disgruntled reds fan” getting beat up on t.v. as he makes his yankee stadium debut as well. Tune in to FSN Oh to see an idiot in an eric davis jersey. I also was looking on line to see what specific gift marks the 5th year wedding anniversary. Apparently the gift for the 5th year is wood…….enter joke here. What can I give my wife romantically, that is made of wood. If you said Ken Griffey Jr. Autographed bat, you read my mind.

 

5 years!

First off, thanks to all the worthless help in the poison ivy department. I now have calamine lotion all over my face, and the defense shield of calamine lotion around my genitals is growing weak. I read online that it dosn’t spread from one effected area to the other, only areas that were in direct contact with poison ivy. Sometimes areas do not appear infected until a few days after symptons begin, or something that still has poison ivy oils on it, is spreading the rash. Needless to say, we have determined that rudi, is the typhoid mary of poison ivy. we just completed a hosedown session in the back yard. Rudi yelping, and trying to flee as I try to coral him with one arm, and smear dog shampoo with the other. We also found out, that if he really wants to get away, he can drag me around the yard, no problem. Lucky for us, he is part retarded, and will forget that he has the strength of a retarded rhino. Hopefully, the source of the problem has been eliminated, and we can all move on. Just don’t ask what rudi was doing near my genitals.

I was wondering what ever happened to the college world series. I checked the guide, and it was nowhere to be seen. Finally in the triple digits I found it on ESPNU. What the hell? Am I the only one who liked to watch the college world series? It was finally on regular espn tonight, but do we need to see poker reruns on espn in the afternoon? If it’s a chanel in the 3-digits and isn’t HD or HBO, it’s dead to me. If there’s college baseball on in the afternoon, lets put it on a chanel people will actually find. No more shows about arguing sports reporters, or poker “stars”.

Well here we are. Just hours away from my 5 year wedding anniversary. For those of you who had money on less than five years, tough shit. Sarah can put up with a lot of shit. Reflecting on the past five years, we’ve been through a lot. we lived in 2 cities, got 2 grills, bought a house, I’ve buried 2 cats, we got a dog, and a son. We also have witnessed 3 national championship losses, traveled, to florida a few times, south carolina, new york, and all over california, and arizona. We’ve done all kinds of cool stuff. We’ve been through a lot, and it’s been a great 5 years, and I couldn’t have a better wife, unless i could have married the 3 boobed chick from Total Recall, but I’m happy with the wife I have. You may be asking yourself, “how can an asshole like you be married 5 years?” So since this is June “the wedding month”. I’ve decided to compile a list of tips for all the people out there who may one day find themselves married.

1. Try to go to bed first. This not only gets you out of any over-looked tasks around the house, you may also get to watch them undress, which is way better than cinemax.

2. There is no argument worth winning. Outside of the remote control, don’t even try to win. You can choose between being right, and being happy. Just apologize sincerely, and move on. Chances are it was your fault anyway. This will just save time. Also try and figure out what you did wrong, and don’t do that anymore.

3. Avoid direct deposit at work. It may be convenient, and time-saving. But, as a married man, you’ll find yourself begging for sex, so it’s good to have as much cash around as possible. Cashing your check at the bank in person, will give you a great chance to take out a few extra twenties, that may just come in handy.

4. When there is a strange noise in the night, get up to see what it is. Even when you know the noise was just the one cat you haven’t killed yet, you still get up. It’s also good to keep some type of weapon nearby. You’ll never actually use it, but it shows you mean business, when it comes to protecting your house. I keep a knife, and homemade grenades next to the bed, and baseball bats in as many rooms as possible. these can also be used to chase off Mormonswhen they come knocking.

5. No matter how cool her friends or relatives husbands/boyfriends are, they are always wrong. Taking there side only brings trouble. Just say, “yeah that guys a dick” and move on.

6. Try to cook and clean as much as possible. Though you may have a hard time finding a french maid outfit that fits you, it shows you’re open minded, and caring.

7. If it’s dead, smelly, or disgusting, it’s your job to clean it up. It may not be your fault, but it’ll give you a chance to put on the ole french maid outfit.

8. Wine isn’t that bad. Sure your lips and teeth will be purple, but booze is booze after all. Besides a common drink you can both enjoy may have it’s rewards later on. Going on wine trips is also cool. You get to drive a rental car half tanked at 2 in the afternoon.

9. Learn how to do laundry. If one ever happens to soil their pants, it’s best to avoid letting her find out about this. Learning how to get stains out of your pants by yourself, will save a lot of explaining. If you ever do have to explain. Tell the truth, it’s way easier. This also works for semi-serious wounds. Explaining to your spouse why someone had to pull glass shards out of your ass, is a story only the truth will work on.

10. When they are sick, do everything you can to take care of them, and make them feel better. It’s not only the right thing to do, but someday it may be there turn to clean up your puke soaked clothing.

If anyone has any other tips, please feel free to add them now.

 

Poinson ivy

Before I begin. Let me first acknowledge that whenever I say anything bad about someone, or some place, something good happens to them. I question adam dunn’s sexuality…home run. I call out boston fans…championship. I call out Kobe bryant…he gets to have rough sex with a white chick in denver. So let me say now that my wife sucks at winning the lottery….

So I have contracted poison ivy. my reward for catching some fish, and having a nice relaxing fathers day, is poison ivy. When I get poison ivy, I act like a four year old trying to shake off the cooties. I dump calamine lotion all over myself, and whine un-controllably. Once the inital rage at my itchy skin has worn off, I proceed to phase two. Acceptance. Once I have accepted the fact that I am now a lepper, I immediately slather my genitals in as much poison ivy medicine as possible. I don’t have it there, it’s preventitive, and soothing. So I have now used up an entire bottle of generic brand calamine, and also dropped another 14 bucks at walgreens. With all the talk about global warming, and killing the planet, can’t we at least get it hot enough that poison ivy no longer can grow? Or maybe sell off all our toxic waste to dump on the weeds themselves. If anyone has any good poison ivy treatment tips, please share them. I’m starting to run out of long sleaved shirts to cover my pink arms. yesterday, at a B.P. station the chick behind the counter asked me if I had poison Ivy. (my arms were covered in calamine) I said “no, why do you ask?” then I looked at her wrists. She had huge scars running up each wrist. Apparently sometime in the recent past she tried to kill herself. I resisted the urge to ask her how her attempted suicide was working out. I am after all, a gentleman. Stupid whore couldn’t even kill herself. Oh well, she’s poor. Subsidized housing, and crystal meth will take care of that anyway.

 

Going back to boston

Before I begin, what may be the most offensive, vulgar and dis-tasteful rant yet, let me give a special shout-out to all the dads out there. Happy fathers day! Though for some reason we all get second fiddle to mothers day, we still deserve the day. I spent my day fishing, and breaking in small water-craft. It was kind of a let-down, just because my expectations were so high. This was, after all the first new holiday I got to celebrate since they came out with juneteenth a few years back. All in all, it was a great day, and I hope all the dads had a great day as well.

People of Boston. You are all rotten bastards, whom I’m sure only hindered the cause of the american revolution a couple hundred years ago. Had your kind not existed, it would have been over in a few weeks, tops. You are all in-bred swine. The fact that your vote in elections counts as many times as mine, makes me want to fill up my raft and float to cuba. Your kind can best be described by the term, donkey raping shit eaters. Why do I lothe the? Let me count thy ways.

This saturday, I attended the reds game vs. the redsox. This was my first recent, encounter, with the new age boston fan. the entire row in front of us was boston fans. They were so bad, the reds mascot, who was there in civilian garb on his day off, got up and moved. I decided I would help everyone out there on the internets, know the truth about the bean town faithful. A decade or so ago, it became very hip to root for boston. Much of the national appeal, was due to their long championship slump, and there evil rivals the yankees. Since then, every douche-bag this side of marthas vineyard has some type pf redsox garb. Recently the redsox have switched things up on all of us. They started winning, and spending more and more money. They are like the retarded kid at school, that everyone kinda pulls for. Except this retard has won the lotto, and is flaunting his winnings all over town, and has turned his back on all the normal kids who looked out for him. Boston fans are like cubs fans, except not cool. Both teams are hip to root for, and most of their fans don’t even know how many quarters are in a baseball game.

Male boston fans are, an obnoxious bunch. They yell and scream at all the wrong times, and they all have gay nicknames for the redsox players. Each fan has his own nicknames, unique to that particualr gay fan. The row infornt of us was no exception. We had a fat slob in a ray allen jersey, who argued with the usher about where they wanted to sit. (never mess with an elderly reds usher) His butt-buddy, was a casey afleck wannabe with a sunken chest, excessive chest hair, and some above the crack shrubbery. About four innings in, their lust for eachother, and boston sports boiled over. The fat dude, who had stretched the mesh on his celtics jersey to the point that it could have been used as a spaghetti strainer, bagan feeding icecream to his gay buddy. Then, they started putting their arms around eachother. Fatty, was stroking the skinny dudes back hair. How romantic. This was clearly a “brokeback mountain” type getaway. Boston fans know nothing about sports, except the old guys who have never been laid, i.e Peter gammons. They can’t handle booze, smell bad, and believe that the whole world understands the drunken jibberish spewing from there big heads. Most are serial masturbators.The only thing keeping these people from being canadian, is mere geography.

Now, female boston fans. Female boston fans, can best be described by one term. Legalized prostitution. Outside of crack-whores, they’re as easy as they come. Usually they start out by wearing a Bosox hat, to gain the attention of the drunk kid down the bar/dorm hallway. After four or five date rapes, their spirit is broken, thus a true female boston fan is born. Though they still don’t know what happened to Nomar, they carry on, believing he is their savior. If you can’t hook-up with a female boston fan, you are either, not a primate, or are wearing a yankee hat. Usually by inning three, the femal boston fan has lost at least one article of clothing, and tried to steal something. An inning later, she has already puked during some type of sex act with a stranger. an inning later she is in tears, until some dude in a redsox hat buys her another beer, and the cycle thus repeats itself. If you find yourself surounded by boston fans, show them some math flash cards, or ask them a question not related to JFK, or Tom Brady, and then run away, as the momentarily blackout.

All we can do at this point is root for Tampa Bay, and Arizona to smoke the sox come October. Personally I’m pulling for the D-backs, unless Griffey becomes a ray. Hope this was helpfull to everyone.