Today, I had the honor of using a jack-hammer. It was pretty sweet. Using a jack hammer, is maybe the coolest thing you can do with your pants on, for like nine minute, and then it completely blows. I have used one in the past, and it’s always the same. I think to myself, “this is awesome, I could do this every day”, and then 9 minutes later, I’m coming up with excuses to not have to do it any more. When one operates a jackhammer, one starts to ponder the great mysteries of life, like what it looks like when a super obese person uses a jackhammer, or a chick in a bikini runs one. Maybe someday I’ll find out, and it will be awesome.

Sorry Cleveland

May 27, 2009

I’ll just come out and say it. Sorry Cleveland, and to all the sports fans of the smelly city to my northeast. I admit, I jinxed the whole deal. All the Cleveland fans kept telling me, “don’t say that out loud” when I said there was no way you couldn’t win the NBA title. The pieces were all there. The league MVP, the Best record, the best defense, and the NBA coach of the year (although after Doc Rivers, and Mike Brown, this award no longr holds any credibillity). Orlando blows, if they win the title, they will be without a doubt, the worst non WNBA team to win a title ever. I know they can hit threes, but shooting lights out is there only chance, and everyone goes cold sometime, just look at the Cavs. Orlando’s big weapons include Dwight “as long as it’s within 3” feet Howard, and Borat’s weird looking cousin, as well as random dudes who at the beginning of the season, were thankfull of being on an NBA roster. Their absolute best player is wearing a suit during games, and yet they are just a few quarters away from knocking out the Cavs, and possibly setting up the least watched championship series ever. How they are beating the Cavs, is beyond me. I hear lots of folks on t.v. and radio talk about the bad matchups, the screens, the pick and roll, but I think it comes down to another Cleveland Choke job. I thought this was it, I really did, and I take full blame for ruining it for everyone. I thought this was gonna wipe out “The Fumble”, “The Drive” and “Jose Mesa” but clearly I was wrong. Cleveland still has just a little curse left in them.

I do admit, I was that guy who missed the amazing shot last friday night. When butthole Turkoglu hit that shot, I let it soak in for about 5 seconds, and shut it down. I layed in bed feeling bad for the Cavs, and the dissapointment felt alot like being an OSU fan. The next day of course, I was shocked to see Lebron hit the three to win it, and thought that would push them back into the form they were in all season. Guess not.
If there is any justice in this world, Clevelnad will still turn this thing around. A big win at home, and then with the pressure being on Orlando for the first time all series, Cleveland steals game six to take it back to the Q, and then Ernest Byner misses a free throw to win it all, or john Elway drives the length of the court to win it. Then, I won’t feel so bad for jinxing the Cavs.

I’ve done it!

May 22, 2009

Finally, my years of hard work have paid off. For the first 29 years of my life, I have compiled a pretty impressive resume. I’ve fathered a child, I’ve won a pie eating contest by a decisive margin, and I have vomitted while urinating, and never missed a beat, just to name a few. In those first 29 years, I think I’ve done more than even lazy hacks like Thomas Edison accomplished in a lifetime.
However, I did not stop there. Like other great humans such as Mother Theresa, and the Beastie Boys, I kept going. Now, my public service is finally paying off. For months now, i’ve comlained in a public forum about Wendy’s horrible decision to discontinue my favorite sandwhich, the Big bacon Classic. I’ve driven really far out of my way, in search of a Wendy’s that still sells the BBC, and with a little help, I found that Wendy’s. Like other great humanitarians, I did not stop there. I kept complaining, and even flipped off the Wendy’s Coorporate headquarters, whenever i drove by, which is surprisingly often. While the rest of you lazy bastards were content to go on living with the baconator, and the Jr. bacon Cheeseburger as your only bacon laced burger options at Wendy’s, I pressed on. Finally, I ahve beat the system. I have brought a coorporate ginat to their knees.
Today, I discovered with no help from television commercials, the Big bacon Classic is Back! Sure now it’s called the “Bacon Deluxe” but I’ll take it. Whatever those coorporate fat cats want to call it, I’ll take it. it’s all the same. The bun, the all beef patty, the lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickle. It’s back, and better than ever. This model, has “applewood” bacon, but appears to be microwaved the same as the original bacon. The time away from eachother has been tough on both Wendy’s and I, but it kinda feels like hooking back up with an old flame. Life is sweet again. Sure, it costs about a dollar more than it did before, but adjusting for inflation, and factoring in our newly healed booming economy (thanks Mr. president) it’s worth it. That hole in my heart, that was once Cholesterol from too many big bacon Classics has been filled, and the whole world just makes sense now. The sign may have said “for a limited time only” but if we all team together, and eat a shitload of these things, it will be here to stay. If that doesn’t work, I can resume mailing fake Anthrax to Wendy’s headquarters.
Your welcome world, you owe me on this one.

Almost there

May 19, 2009

I’ve almost made it. Two more days, less so if I decide to sneak out for the midnight screening, in my Terminator pajama’s. The new Terminator movie is here, and I kinda have wood. Oh how I have waited for this day. Despite my excitement, I am a little hesitant to get too carried away about all this. Yeah, it’s gonna give my system a gradual dose of awesomeness, that will phase me into being ready for the new Transformers movie, without having my head explode again. Sure, this is gonna be one of the top 10 movies ever, I can feel it, but I still have my worries. Will it be awesome enough to make up for that 90 minute shitfest that was the last terminator movie? Will they find a way to bring back Claire Danes, and kill her? Will Christian Bale’s tyrade make it to the DVD commentary special features? And most importantly, will this be the first Terminator where they show boob? I’ll even settle for robo-boobs, it’s gotta be cool.
Only time will tell people, and I can hardly wait. It has managed to get me to come down from my excitement over the Bengals being on ‘Hard Knocks’, and it has managed to prevent me from sinking into deperession, as the Reds unravel right before my eyes. Hey, they were technically tied for 1st in the month of May, so that’s the Cincinnati equiv, of making the playoffs. Wel done Redlegs, well done indeed.
I’ve decided it’s time to set some new goals for my life. One, is to stop this rumored E.T. remake from happening. I may have to go down in a blaze of glory, but that butthole Spielberg is gonna regret the day he greenlighted that puppy. Don’t get me started on Drew Berrymore.
The other goal, is to see Mike Vick play for the Bengals. it has to happen, it just has to. It can’t be a watered down version of that union either. Not after he comes back, and finds minimal success in a wildcat role with another team, and then slips into the ‘nati. I want it now, while they still have a full arsenal of fuck-ups to play with him. Can you imagine? Tank, Chris henry, and Mike Vick? How sweet would that be? Throw in Ocho, and some re-occuring rumors about a Pacman signing, and it will be pure gold. And not the crappy gold that was Chad Johnson’s mohawk a few years back, but the good kind, like those kids found on Goonies. After about 3 weeks of those guys being together, Cincinnati would be a war zone, and Marshal Law would be declared. People would be too affraid to go outside at night, and pitbull’s would run wild in the streets. I can only dream about how awesome the Bengals would be then. Sure, they’d still go 7-9, but it would be the most exciting thing to happen in that town since Ryan Freel tried to drive accross the Ohio River Bridge after drinking 20 beers.

Officially Old

May 18, 2009

In all honesty, there was really very little doubt left, but I’m pretty certain at this point, I am officially old. Today I was fortunate enough to have lunch at the best burger joint in C-bus, Five Guys burgers & Fries. Delicious as epected, but the entire rest of the day, I wanted to pass out. maybe God is looking out for me, cause Dylan’s Daycare nap schedule was all out of whack, so i was able to grab a nice p.m. nap when we got home, durin his emergency nap. Since I am doing Daddy Daycare for a few days, the nap was a big help. Sadly, my innabillity to eat fun food, and not need to nap is not what makes me certain I am officially old.
I took the big man with me to the grocery, he likes to ride in the cart, and throw things, as do I. Since I forgot the grocery list, as usual, I had to wing it, and I think i did alright remembering the key items. I’m pretty certain my wife had ribs and beer on the list. The highlight, was new coffee. I had forgotten i was out, and it pretty much ruined my entire day today. if I don’t get the proper ammount of caffeine into my system in the first half hour I am awake, I can never recover. I don’t think even washing down a huge bag of heroin with a redbull would help, and since I hate redbull, and wouldn’t know where to find heroin, we’ll never know. Coffee, is the second best thing however, and when I get a new bag of coffee beans, it’s all I can think about. All night long, I couldn’t wait to go to bed, so I could get up in the morning, and have some new coffee. How old am I, when I am excited about going to bed, so I can wake up in the morning? It’s not like it’s some super awesome coffee, just starbucks, but it’s a style I have not bought before, so I am completely stoked. Maybe I am old, and strongly addicted to caffeine, but it sure beats waiting to go to the coffe house, where the gay cashier keeps giving me his phone number.
On a side note. I believe if you don’t drink coffee black, you suck really bad. Instead of gay latte’s, or something flavored, or with foam on it, you should just do meth, it helps the economy. So off to bed I go, as since I am the only adult here, I’m pretty sure I get to do the morning shift for breakfast, and I do have the new coffee waiting for me.

It ends tonight

May 17, 2009

For some time, my marriage has been in turmoil. We’ve tried to compromise, and move on, but we always end up right back in the place where we started. It has become painfully obvious, that if something does not change, my wife and I are gonna have to throw down. One thing, keeps tearing our young family apart, and I’m ready to settle this score once and for all.
You see, my wife and I come from two different worlds. Mine a world of happiness, and common sense, as well as a taste for deliciousness. Hers is a darker, more depressing world, full of bland tasting sandwiches, and broken homes. Deep in my heart, I know I am right, but in the end, there is only room in our refrigerator for one sandwich spread, and the time has come to settle this once and for all. I can think of no better place to end this debate, than the internet. Where the people unfortunately messed up enough to be able to say they know me, and pure strangers can decide our fate. You see, I am, always have been, and always will be a man dedicated to the sweet savory taste of Kraft Miracle whip salad dressing. I don’t know if I’ve ever used it as a salad dressing, but it finds it’s way onto all my sandwiches, wraps, and quasi-salads, such as chicken salad. The sweet, delicious tanginess is unmatched in this world, and I can’t imagine life without it. If you do much cooking, and try new things, you’ll find many recipes call for Mayonnaise, with lime juice added to it, or even “prepared” mayonnaise. Miracle whip already has that going for it. I know which varieties are just as good, or at least close to the real thing, (miracle whip light) and which ones just break your heart (low-fat miracle whip) I know the squeeze bottle is awesome, except you can never get that last little bit out, and you can’t do that fun little knife in the jar rattle thing you can do with the jar like on those commercials from the late 80’s.
My wife was raised by wolves, and seems to think regular Mayonnaise is better. She tries to get me to make everything with it, as opposed to making it taste good by adding Miracle Whip. She’ll say “will you make mine with “real” mayonaise? So if I am making us each a sandwich ( I can never remember how to spell sandwich, and anyone who uses the word “sammy” like Rachel Ray, should be publicly stoned), I have to get out both jars, and two knives, to make what is basically the same thing. I believe that once a knife has been tainted with regular ole mayo, it should be boiled in salt water, then buried in the yard, so it can never ruin one of my sandwiches again. She thinks that since Mayonnaise is French, it’s better. I think Mayo is tasteless crap, that can’t hold a candle to the whip. The time has come for one, and only one, to rule supreme in our household.
Lets put this thing to vote, and settle this once, and for all, so we can get back with our lives, and spend our time arguing about the important things, like what soap to buy, and how to fold a shirt.

Please vote, and comment as well, so we can make an adult decision on this one, and better our live’s. A young child sandwiches are at stake here people.

Wow! Where to begin. Just out of the blue, it hits me like a bag of bricks. Solid gold bricks. There I was driving along, when I hear one of the sports shows on ESPN radio open by discussing the Bengals. In May, when people talk about the Bengals in the media, it is never a good thing. Usually this means some type of arrest, or disgruntled player, or both. This time however, it was music to my ears. news so great, not even a stomach virus, and a sexual assault can keep me down. The Cincinnati Bengals, will be featured as this years team on the award winning HBO/NFL Films Documentary ‘Hard Knocks’. I know what you’re thinking, “don’t the bengals get hard knocks every year?” and yes, that is true, but this time, it’s happening in HD, and on HBO, so F-bombs will be a flyin’. It’s perfect, every aspect of my teams journey into the season will be filmed. Every roster battle, every Ocho cinco meltdown, every cortizone shot into Carson palmers elbow will be broadcast accross the globe, in glorious HD. Ever wonder just how much better as a rookie Rey Mauluga is than Rashaad freakin Jeanty? Well we’re all gonna find out. Wanna guess how over weight Andre the giant is going to be at his first training camp? They’ll show us. It’s all gonna be right there, on my t.v. In fact, I may need to get a few more televisions, just to be safe. What if I have to run up or down the stairs during the showing of an episode? Sure, I have DVR, and it’ll be replayed, and on HBO on Demand, but I’d feel a lot safer with HD in the hallways, and stairwells. Wanna hera Ocho Cinco yell at the coaches? I do. Wanna hear the coaches yell back? Me too. Ever wonder to yourself on a hot august afternoon “I wonder what Chris henry is doing right now” well the mystery will be revealed.
One of the showcased features of this show is with the rookies. They center in on the big name guys who are expected to contribute. We all got to see what a horrible waste of a draft pick Bobby carpenter was with the Cowboys last year, now imagine the possibillities with Bengal draft picks. They often focus in on lesser known rookies, and undrafted free agents, guys not expected to make it. They make you root for the little guy, and it breaks your heart when they get cut. Not this year baby! I have already compiled a list of shitty current Bengals that I can’t wait to see get cut, and I haven’t even thought about the new guys. I’m going to go to bed tonight, and pray that the Bengals can find a way to bring back Levi Jones, Artrell Hawkins, and Chris Perry, just so I can see when the stooge goes and knocks on their dorm room door, and says “bring your playbook, coach wants to see ya”. Oh how sweet that would be. I may call Mike Brown every day, and ask if I can be “The Turk” or the guy who goes and gets a player when a coach is calling him to cut him. How awesome would that be? I could do it while wearing ‘Steely Dan’ cut-off concert t-shirt, or even dressed up like the ghost of Paul Brown.
perhaps the only bad apart about all this, is it’s still 3 months away from filming, and even longer for it to air. How can I get through this. It was already bad enough having to wait for the new Terminator, and Transformers movies, now this. What will I do? How can I kill that much time? Hockey and the NBA are pretty much over, the champs have all but been decided (Detroit/Cleveland), my Reds are a wrecking ball, tearing through NL teams on a surefire route to a playoff collapse. There’s only so much I can do until I can enjoy seeing bengals players getting cussed at by Mike Zimmer. Only so many beers I can drink, and yards I can mow, until I can see Roy Williams getting burnt deep in HD. This could be the longest summer in history. God help us all.

My day was finally shaping up. What started as one big dissapointment, followed by another, had just  taken an amazing turn for the better. I had stopped in at Target, a store I visit about once a year whether I need to or not, and had just had one of the greatest shopping experiences of my life. not the things I was buying, Target is full of the crap China couldn’t sell to anyone else. The highlight, was the service. I went through the checkout lane run by the living encarnation of Jimmy Vulmer form South Park. As I approached, I noticed the dude was pretty ripped, and then discovered the reason for this, was his legs were pretty messed up. he had on those giant corrective shoes, and his crutches were leaning against the counter. The dude was the happiest person I have ever met, and did not want to punch. He even talked like Jimmy from South Park. It was amazing. I found myself wanting to hang out, and watch him interact with his co-workers. They did not share his zest for life, but they weren’t awesome like Jimmy was. What a breathe of fresh air that dude was. As i checked out, he kinda stuttered and said, “Thanks for Shopping Target, have a great day”. I said “you too man, thanks” and instead of letting that go, he even responded again. he said “thank you very much, I sure will, definitely” (all while stutering). I’m pretty sure he meant it too. That dude was awesome. I kinda want to shop at Target now, and see if any other south park characters work there. From that point on, my day really went to shit.
I had to get fitted for a tuxedo, at Men’s Warehouse. I was hoping the time of day I went in there would mean it was pretty empty, which it was. There were three employees working when i went in. Super hot 30 something blonde chick, Guy totally coming down from, or detoxing from, and Jonesing for Cocaine, and super creepy gay guy. Guess which one I got? Definitely not super hot chick, I have waaaay too much bad karma built up to get lucky enough to have my inseam measured by a hot female. maybe if in my next three lifetime’s I cure cancer, and do some other awesome stuff, but definitely not anytime soon. no, I got the coke head, who looked like he could make it about 8 more minutes before he started huffing the show polish. I felt bad for this dude, he kept scratching his neck, and looked to be having a rough go of things while trying to explain the form I had to fill out. He had just managed to get me the proper size shoe (on just his third try!) and we were getting ready for me to get measured, when creepy gay dude approached, and asked if he could trade him jobs. I laughed out loud, thinking he was joking, as nobody or so I thought is that forward, or obvious, or unprofessional about their sexual harrasment. he was not, and our cokehead friend was more than happy at the chance to not have to do anything. The creepy gay dude, pretty much hit on me the entire time, and that doesn’t even include his measuring. I’ve been fitted for suits, and tuxedo’s many times, it should never take as long, nor be as in depth as this was. I would like to think i am going to have the best fitting tuxedo ever, but I know better. This was one thing, and one thing only. Sexual assault. Short of cupping my balls, and slipping something in my drink, this dude pretty much had his way with me. I feel so dirty, so violated. I mean the attention is great, who wouldn’t want to get felt up by a creepy, pasty white gay dude? It’s just, I always pictured my first time getting sexually assaulted to be so much more, so magical. What a let down this was.
Why is it, no matter how sloppy I dress, how fat I get, I still get hit one by a gay dude in a retail setting at least once every two weeks? I’ve had to switch places where I get my coffee in the morning at least twice just for this very reason. What is it about me, that drives gay dudes so wild? It’s not the super fun gay dudes you see on t.v. either, it’s the dungeons and dragons version of gay dudes. I get their phone numbers on my receipts, I get their business cards for no apparent reason, and now, I’ve gotten my crotch explored by one.
it’s become crystal clear to me, that I am some kind of gay heart throb or something. What Kurt Cameron was once to teen girls, I am to gay dudes in their 30’s. it’s abig responsibillity, I’m not sure I can handle it.
In the mean time, one thing is certain. Sexual assault, is no laughing matter.

Turning the corner

May 13, 2009

Well any hopes of squeaking by and not catching whatever caused the great puke scandal in our house over the weekend just went down the drain. Literally. The good news is, I feel like a champ now. Maybe it was just my body’s way of demonstrating how well the Washington Capitals defense is playing tonight. Glad I got all excited about that game 7. Oh well the real NHL finals will be tomorrow in Detroit, hopefully I can get through that one without self induced vomiting.
The thing about yakking your guts out, is it is the greatest forecaster of how the rest of your day is going to go. In the moments after you puke, your body starts a recovery process, that is the perfect indication of whether you or out of the woods, or totally gonna have the worst day ever. You either feel like finding the fastest way to kill yourself, to avoid more suffering, or you feel like a champ. In my case, I felt horrible, cold sweats, dizziness, sore joints, and no appetite, to go along with some major nausea. I took matters into my own hands. First, I tried a shower, which was little help, so I had to go all out. After re-discovering just how far I can shove fingers down my throat before the flood gates open, I gotta say, I felt amazing. In about 3 minutes time, I went from deaths door, to really wanting to make pancakes, and even had a beer. I’m lucky really, it could have gone the other way. Sometimes once you start puking, you can’t stop, until you are just a dried up turd, hoping a stroke will save you from this hell. Drink a pretty heavy amount of Gin sometime, you’ll see what I mean. I learned my lesson this time, (don’t eat fruit) and kinda got off easy. All is well. In fact, I’m having one hell of a hot streak. In the past 5 days, I have been blessed with no small number of miracles. First, this weekend I woke up, made some coffee, grabbed the paper only to see some people I know made the front page, and have been indicted in federal court. These particular people, could not deserve a better fate. One a Realtor who thinks she is the smartest, sexiest, and most powerful 65 year old woman this side of the neighbor chick from Alf, is going down for major fraud charges, and is facing some hardcore time in the big house. On more than one occasion, I have had to deal with this woman, and every night thereafter I prayed she would contract a fatal STD, or have a meteor hit her in the face. My prayers didn’t get answered completely, but I’ll take it. The other fella, her partner in crime, along with a few of his lackeys, has pretty well ensured he’s never gonna see the light of day again. This person and I also have had a few run-ins at work, and like his counterpart, I too prayed on multiple occasions that he would get what was coming to him, and again, my prayers seem to have been answered. Any doubt about a higher power has to be gone now, and I’m starting to think I may have magical powers. Two people, who were assholes to me, that I hated dealing with, are going to rot away in prison, and doing it in a pretty highly publicized fashion. Thank you God, life is wonderful again.
I can’t help but wonder whom else who has crossed me in the past is going to get what is coming to them. Roberto Alomar, who used to be my favorite non-Red, until he was a dick to me and my brother might have really advanced AIDs, now these two buttholes make the front page of the weekend paper, and have all thier business indiscretions revealed to the general public. I buy a Chevy, it gives me nothing but problems, and has been a money pit, and now GM is in the shitter. Do I have a secret pipeline to the all mighty? Are my enemies being smited? I really hope so, and if I were Tim Tebow, I’d watch my back, and the rest of you bastards had better watch it as well. if anyone would like to avoid a similar fate, and stay on my good side, I like beer, chicken wings, and money.
God speed everyone!

Weekend of firsts

May 11, 2009

This past weekend was a monumental one. We celebrated Mothers day, which was not the first time for my wife, but the first time our son was active enough to provide entertainment for everyone. I also had a few firsts in the world of sports.
First, I saw my team try to rally back in the ninth, against a first place team, down one, nobody on, with two outs, and turn to one of their starting pitchers, who had an off day, to come in to pinch hit. And it worked. Micah Owings, who may be the best hitting pitcher since Babe Ruth, tied things up for the Reds, who then blew it in the very next inning.
I also am coming to realize something, that has never happened before, and likely never will happen again. Against everything I have ever learned in my 30 years on this earth, I can say, for the first time ever, a Cleveland team is definitely gonna win the title. I know, it sounds crazy, but I see no other option. It’s 100% gonna happen. I applaud the Cavs for their dominance, and can’t wait for another title to find it’s way to Ohio. The curse is officially broken, no more second place. Really the Columbus Crew MLS team broke the curse, but who the hell cares? Of all the times Cleveland teams have found a way to screw it up, even they can’t ruin this one. they are officially the only good team in the NBA. Denver is getting close, but they aren’t on the same level as the Cavs. The Lakers are not good this year, nor were they last season when they made the finals. That was just the Spurs getting old. The entire NBA west blows.
We also had a huge first on the home front. Our first real deal kid puking. Now a lot of shit has come back up the pike from my boy. Most of it, is what folks would call spitting up, a term I disagree with entirely. You either puke, or you don’t. The only exception, was a few times when i was doing a beer bong, and when I yakked, really cold beer came back up. That is spitting up, and that is the only exception. What we awoke to this morning was puke, by anyones standards. God bless the little trooper, I have no idea when he did it, but it was a hell of a long time before he started crying. The monitor was cranked, we awoke as soon as he started crying, rushed in, and found the cutest little boy, covered in puke, chunks and all. It was on both ends of his crib, in his hair, on his little stuffed animals, his blanket, and anything else in a 3 foot radius. it was impressive, especially from such a little dude. So we each got to do a shift of staying home, all seems to be well now, no swine flu here, but we got our first big puke out of the way. Oh what the future has in store for us.