Once again,

April 25, 2011

So we have ourself another crossroad, where a seemingly meaningless event in sports meets a chance for me to have a cool head.
And yet again, I will keep a cool head about the Reds losing two of three to St. Louis, and the events of Friday night, and the actions of Tony Larusa, who is obviously the greatest baseball mind in history. Just ask him.
Now, LaRusa did not invent baseball, he did however point out a few key changes to help Abner Doubleday way back when.
Since then, he has no doubt been the most important thing to ever happen to not just baseball, but all of sports.
So maybe he from time to time gets drunk, and passes out while stopped at traffic lights. And from time to time he turns a blind eye to half his team blatantly abusing performance enhancing drugs, and risking their live’s to make the team better, and yes, he also turns around and hires some of them as assistant coaches, and he portrays an air of arrogance that is contagious and leads to his entire team acting like they are above the game, and coming off like spoiled bitches, but he’s a good guy.
Vaginier Molina, is also an amazing man. Clearly the greatest catcher in history. I love this guy, and would never want to see him mauled by homosexual Panda Bears.
Chris Carpenter is also a stand up fella. Never does he chirp at umpires and opposing teams, and I doubt there is any player alive that would want to see anything bad happen to him.
I also feel the same love for St. Louis Cardinals fans. I do not think they are hillbillies, inbred’s or jack-asses, who have a false sense of superiority about their historically mediocre team. I in no way root for tornado’s to rip through their various trailer parks, and Ozark mountain shanty towns.
That should do for now, I have to run down to the bar to help coach Larusa find his car.

I’ve came to the conclusion, that the answer to this question is the Cincinnati Reds.
They suck at Pitching, except 2 out of every 3 Arroyo starts, they suck at Baserunning, and right now, they really suck at hitting.
They are in a span of games against the worst teams in all of the National league (they can’t play themselves). Pittsburgh, San Diego, Arizona, and Arizona again. What do they have to show for it?
Maybe 3 wins.
Jay Bruce sucks again, Rolen is in a funk, Gomes is a nightmare, and whomever starts at catcher might as well be a pitcher.
Janish is quickly proving he destined to be a lifetime backup, that is until the Reds cut him and he goes to Houston.
Now, they get to go on a roadie to St Louis, and Millwaukee, after which they could very well be 9-16, after firing out of the gate 5-0.
We all expected big things from the Reds, but it appears last year was a mix of guys having career seasons, and a little bit of magic.
This team expects to win, they just don’t do anythign to actually help win.
A lot of people think they just need to hold on until their big arms get off the DL.
Who are these big arms?
Schilling and Johnson?
Nope. Cueto, and Bailey.
When your missing pieces are Cueto, and Bailey, you suck,
Cueto is solid, and Bailey can be at times good, but counting on them is a huge mistake.
The best part is, our Ace, is an absolute trainwreck.
Edinson Volquez has to give up 4 runs before he can be good, at which point he is lights out, but not only is it too late, he’ll have to come out in the 5th inning because he’s already thrown 120 pitches by then.
The only thing we have to look forward to this year, is how high they crank the radar gun up for Chapmans pitches, that is until he gets hurt too.

It’s You Bronson

April 11, 2011

It’s always been you.
The search for the Ace of the Cincinnati Reds starting rotation, is over.
It never should have gotten to this point, yet here we are.
Last year in the playoffs, Dusty went with Edinson Volquez to lead the Reds into their first playoff series in a long long time.
it went less than great, but seeing as how the other guy threw a perfect game, it didn’t really matter anyway.
This year for Opening day, Volquez again. Also that went poorly, but the Reds still won.
So as we venture into Volquez’s third start of the year, what should have been his first actual start since he missed the beginning of camp, we are seeing the downside of the guy with all the upside.
Volquez when he is at his best, is the best the Reds have to offer, but that best is hard to find at times.
He has the best stuff, the biggest upside of anyone on the staff, except maybe Cueto who is still on the DL. What he also has is moments where he can’t get anyone out. He can be up 0-2 on anyone, and still walk them. he wants to strike everyone out, throw the perfect pitch, when he should be just throwing to the plate, using his fastball, and letting the defense do what they do best.
Bronson Arroyo on the other hand, is as consistant as you will find anywhere. He may not blow anyone away, but he eats innings game after game, and keeps the Reds in position to win. The only issues he has, is when he has no command of his off-speed stuff, but no pitcher is judged by the rare bad days, especially when they are as rare as Arroyo’s.
He may be boring, he may be slow, but he is the best we have, and even though he will never hit the upper 90’s, he can go toe to toe with anyone.
Bronson doesn’t seem to care about being “the Ace”, or getting the first start.
Maybe that is his best attribute, as the young guys seem to fold when the moment gets too big.
Arroyo by all means should have made his 3rd straight opening day start this year, but like the previous two years, he stepped aside and let someone else take the reigns.
This year he has Mono, and is limited in what he can do, yet he is the only Reds Starter to go 6 plus innings. He’s 2-0, with just 3 hits in 13 innings, and zero walks.
If the Reds do happen to make the playoffs, no matter what the upside is for anyone else, Bronson Arroyo needs to take the mound.

Best Diet Ever

April 9, 2011

I’m leading a revolution.
I’ve stumled upon what I believe to be the greatest diet, in the history of the world.
This diet makes Jared’s Subway diet look like a trip down the buffet line. It makes Adkins look like a fat, clogged artery retard. South Beach Diet? Please, it’s got nothing on this. P90X, move aside.
Soon I will be on commercials, dumb-assed shows aimed at Soccer Mom’s, and on the cover of books, and audio books.
I may even get an app for my new diet.
It’s not for everyone, but it works, and you can eat whatever the hell you want. If you wanna have a few cocktails, don’t worry, the weight will fall off just the same.
What I’ve been doing, I call the “build a house diet”.
I’ve been working a full time job, and on top of that every spare moment I’ve had has been working at the new house doing all kinds of odds and ends.
I’ll rush home to get supper ready, or to help at bathtime, and then it’s back to work.
If all goes as planned I’ll go about two months without taking a day, or night off, and at the end I’ll have the Body of Leonardo DiCaprio circa the Growing Pains years.
I’m not sure how much weight I’ve actually lost, since I don’t own a scale, and whenever I got to the Dr. I only pay attention to blood pressure, and Choleserol, and my drivers license has the same stats as when I turned 21.
What I do know is, I’ve gained back two belt notches in the past week or so.
So without actual “facts”, and only going off the noticeable weight loss, I’m assuming I’ve lost between 20-60 pounds in the last couple of weeks.
Sure, these estimates may not be exact, but nobody can prove otherwise, so let’s continue.
I eat Granola, fruit, and yogurt for breakfast every day.
I have fast food for lunch almost every day.
I eat whatever time allows for at night, and may even polish off a beer or two.
Not even light beer, either Canadian full octane, or the best German beer in the world, and the weight keeps falling off.
The other day I worked a full day, and then laid a few hundred feet of subfloor, carrying a good deal of it up two flights of stairs myself.
Another day this week, I worked all day, and then insulated a tall, 3-car garage all by myself, as well as a few second floor interior walls. This is a good one, as going up and down a ladder dozens of times is great cardio.
Yesterday, I worked all day, helped unload a shitload of drywall, and also climbed up onto a 2-story 12/12 pitch roof to re-flash and seal off a chimney. This one is priceless, as the intense fear itself caused me to sweat off what I assume was about 15 pounds.
This weekend, I plan to lay tile for about 30 hours, and also drink beer, eat wings, and have some pie, all while still losing weight.
Now, this diet may be a little expensive, but it is worth it.
It also has some health concerns, as it is mainly fueld by coffee,about a gallon a day (gotta have the fluids) and intense cases of the liquid shits do pop up now and then with the whole dehydration, and lack of sleep thing, but it’s worth it.
Not only will I be in the best shape of my adult life, but I can move my family out of this shitbag apartment, and into a brand new house.
So even though this diet will run you easily six-figures, it’s totally worth it.
Instead of buying a treadmill, or some pills, or frozen meals, buy a saw, or a shitload of tile, or exterior drain tiles.
Anything you spend money on, (except beer) is going to help you lose weight, so it’s worth every penny.
Unlike diet things you see on tv, you can, and will actually use these diet tools when you are done.
No equiptment gaining dust in the basement, no DVD’s taking up drawer space, and no freezer burned low-carb pasta dishes going bad in the freezer.
You’ll have a floor to walk on, cabinets to put stuff in, and toilets for, well you know.
So to everyone out there.
If you want to gain some satisfaction, and get back into shape, all while being able to act pious about how you’ve lost weight even though the reason you gained weight in the first place is because you drank too much and were lazy, work a full time job, and just spend every free minute thereafter building a house.
Look at me, I’m living proof.
And by the way, I’m not just the founder of this diet, I’m also a member.
Yesterday I ate wings for dinner, polished off a few beers, and even watched Indiana Jones, and a Reds game, and woke up with my pants fitting even better than before I ate the wings.
Suck it Jared!

See it all playing out

April 2, 2011

So I’ve had this nagging feeling that the Bengals are going to waste an awesome draft pick, and take Cam Newton.
Not sure why, but I just see it happening.
Maybe it’s the history, or the fact that there is going to be just too many can’t miss guys available with the 4 pick, but I see how this is going to play out already, and it’s making me sick.
Peterson, Green, or a choice stud D-lineman/pass rusher just makes too much sense.
Waiting a year, knowing you are completely fucked at QB this year, and knowing you are almost garunteed a shot at either Matt Barclay, or Andrew Luck, and then being in a position to win year in and year out just makes too much sense for this team.
Throw in the recent buzz with Newton stemming from the Pro Football Weekly analysis of him, and all the hoopla surrounding that, and I can say with all certainty that the Bengals will draft Cam newton.
Oh why Oh why do I do this to myself?