R

September 28, 2010

OVER It’s Over!
It’s finally, mother fucking over!
Oh, the stress had nearly consumed me, but Jay Bruce came through in the clutch. About the time he hit first, I un-clentched my anus for the first time in about a week.
Enjoy this Reds fans.
Rot in hell Cardinals fans.
In the words of Dusty Baker, “God Damn I’m Happy”

Where My Pirates At?

September 27, 2010

Here I sit, watching little dots represent the last hurdle between my Reds, and the division title.
The only time in my life I actually like the free, semi-shitty service provided by mlb.com to check in on live games.
To some it’s just a game, but to me these dots are everything.
I’m 99% certain the Reds will be getting an early exit from the playoffs, but just knowing that they have no chance of having a monumental last week of the season collapse is good enough with me.
A 6.5 game lead, with 6.5 (Cards have 7, we have 6) left to play to most every other fan is a done deal. To me, it’s a nightmare scenario. I think I would rather my team suck the whole year, then have a legendary collapse.
One win, or one Cards loss.
Thats it.
Knowing what I know about my teams, I’m pretty much putting all my chips in the Pirates corner, as our best shot at winning this thing.
Don’t let me down Pittsburg.
You owe me this much.

Revelation

September 27, 2010

I think Carson Palmer might suck at football.
This isn’t reactionary thinking either, I’ve been fighting off these thoughts since the playoff game last season. He just very well might suck at football.
I hate to say it, but it may be true.
Week 3 vs. a terrible Carolina squad was the last straw for me.
Yes, it was raining, but if you watched the game, it was painful. I was hoping to see the sideline retard say that Carson was sent to the locker room drunk, and there was a reason for his play.
A dead hooker back at the hotel?
He had Carolina’s D in his fantasy league?
Something to ease my mind from thinking the should be savior of the Franchise is a younger, Jake Delhomme.
No updates have come yet, all I have to go by is the play on the field.
Horrible passes into obvious double, and triple coverage. Balls missing wide open targets by 10 yards. Passes right to the chest of defenders sitting back in zone. Completing a pass well short of the endzone, with time running out, in the middle of the field, with no timeouts just before half. I put a small amount of blame on the coaches on that, but there’s no way they could have foresaw Carson making the worst decision short of a pick 6.
I know, I know, the only thing that may be worse than Carson right now, is his back-up, but I’m ready to tear down the whole thing and get started on the Dan Lefevour era.
After all, he was the greatest College quarterback of all-time.
Yesterday, I was in a sports bar screaming at the television for the Bengals to either run it every play, or even better punt it on first down. That way we could at least let our awesome Defense have at Jimmy Clausen, and at best get a wet ball punt return fumble.
I know Carson doesn’t actually suck, but right now, he kind of does.
He can still be a Pro Bowl Caliber player, but he looks nothing of the sort at the moment.
Maybe a little confidence coming back will be all he needs.
One deep ball, one 3 TD game, something.
After all we as Bengals fans have been through, we need something.
I’m saying that something is a case of Lefevour.

Clear the Air

September 25, 2010

I’ve been a little under the weather lately, so I’ve been a little off my game. I am proud to say I made it through the most recent batch of Toddler exposure flu without ruining any underwear. I’m a few pounds lighter, still feeling a little rough, and went almost a week without coffee or beer because of it, but what does not kill me, makes me angrier.
While I was down, not too much happened, but my first real day of being all the way back on the horse (an entire pot of coffee, plus a few extra cups this morning) was chock full of goodies.
The bounds of my hypocrisy were strongly tested today.

First, UM QB Denard Robinson went down against BG. I’ve always been the guy who wants Michigan to be undefeated going into the OSU game, so we can break their hearts the way they did to us every other year through my teens. However, I couldn’t help but root for BG when it was close. Honestly, if Bowling Green’s QB didn’t suck at throwing footballs, and they had better athletes, this could have been a game. Also, when Robinson went down I was supposed to be concerned. My theory needs them at full go to work all the way. However, I did smile a little when he limped to the bench. Michigan pain is still Michigan pain after all. But the backups did pretty well. Either way, I still don’t think some guy with his shoes untied, who is not all that big, and equates to 90% of a teams offense is going to make it a whole season anyway.
So we’ll see.
Stay healthy Mr. Robinson, or die. Whatever.

Then, Alabama almost ruined the BCS for me. I need OSU, and the Tide to be undefeated so I don’t have to see Boise State in the title game after a 1.5 game season. Oklahoma tried to ruin it, and Texas forgot to show up to play.
But then I found myself pulling for Arkansas. What was I thinking? My Buckeyes would be in the dreaded #1 slot waaay too early for my comfort, and Boise would have been right there next to them. Imagine the stress, the agony.
Lucky for us all, lurch Mallet showed us why Dick-Rod held the door open for him on his way out by responding to the spotlight by just chucking the ball everywhere hoping for a miracle.

Before I forget, why is Jake Locker considered a top draft pick? Is he a really good skating defenseman in hockey, and that’s what Mel Kiper is talking about? He’s like a not very good at football 21 year old John Elway.

So earlier in the day, I was discussing a High School team beating my ole squad 70-21, and how their coach is a classless donkey-raper whose mouth is shaped like a starfish’s anus. In my argument, I brought up as in argument in what constitutes running up the score in a less than classy manner, as whether or not the uber-vanilla Jim Tressell would do it. You know, calling a time out when the clock is running down, so you can have one last shot at the endzone when you are already up 4 scores. That sort of thing.
Then, as the buckeyes were up by what I recall 300 points, the starters were all still in on offense. No problem, it’s early in the year, and there is still a lot to work on for Big Ten play. That’s when Jordan Hall connected to Terrelle Pryor on a halfback pass for a touchdown. So what’s that do to my What Would Jim Do theory?
I suppose we could say the following…
Just getting more stuff on film for Ron Zook and his mighty Illinois team to gameplan for?
Fuck it, it’s Michigans old D-coordinator coaching on the other sideline?
It’s a statement against the folks at Eastern Michigan and their anti-immigration laws?
One more cool stat/Highlight to not only give our guy a Heisman, but to keep it from going to that butthole who can’t tie his own shoes up north?
I suppose any of them work for me, and my hypocrisy.

So I see the really fast black guy from LSU (that narrows it down) run back a punt for 6, and then stick out an air-stiff-arm, and lift one leg in the air.
The ugliest, gayest, most nonsensical  pose of all time.
First, unless they either start giving out 30 Heisman’s a year, or he has a rich aunt who shops at Reggie Bush’s garage sales, he’s never touching a Heisman.
Second, why do people think the Heisman guy has one leg in the air?
Look at the trophy both feet are firmly planted on the ground.
It’s not that difficult.
It all started with that homo whose name I do not use. He put’s his leg in the air like a dog marking his territory, and everyone loves it. They say “he did the Heisman pose”, when in fact, the only resemblance to him and the trophy was they were both holding a football.
If you’re gonna do it, do it right folks.
Otherwise, you’re not imitating a trophy, you’re imitating some sell-out homo who once won a Heisman.

E

September 25, 2010

The third installment of my epic 4 part series folks.
It’s a little late, but just as exciting. I suppose I could go ahead and throw in number 4 as well, but where would the fun be in that?
If this were a presidential election, you could just about dig up TIm Russert, and call this thing, but being what it is, and my history with these things, lets just let destiny ride this thing out.
So for now, the race in the NL Central is still up for grabs, but from where I’m sitting, my guys have the longer arms for a change.
Lets do this Redlegs!

What Did I Say?

September 20, 2010

It’s not that I expect any well paid high profile NFL analyst to read this blog, let alone use it as a guide to make them less retarded. However, I can’t help but think that maybe my services would have been a little useful for some of the folks at ESPN, Fox, NBC, Sports Illustrated, etc. etc.
I’m by no means an expert, at really anything, but there are a few cases when I do know what I am talking about. Pie making/eating, beer, Eastern European economics, health care, how black people never see UFO’s, prostitution, burning things, sandwiches, global “warming”, sharks, and Bengals vs. the Ravens, to name a few.
All week, I heard various stories from “experts” about how yesterdays game would play out.
Some did say the Bengals would win, but even those had the scenario with which it would play out. The majority however, could not have been more wrong.
There predictions were based on the following. Joe Flacco not being a shitty quarterback, who piles up yards against poor non-conference foes, his new receivers being effective, and the Ravens defense arriving to the stadium via a time machine from the year 2000.
Now, the Defense is still good, don’t get me wrong. Not as good as the two offenses they faced so far have made them look, but still good. Of course, as I have said countless times, they are nowhere nearly as talented, or well coached as this years Bengals squad. That performance gap is even bigger without Ed Reed.
Now also, Joe Flacco isn’t terrible, but he does pile up stats either when his team is down big, or against bad defenses from outside the AFC North. Those in the conference however, have his number time, and again. Decent pass rush, with above average cover corners, and zone safeties, mean screen pass Joe is gonna give you the ball a minimum of two times, usually 3. The bulk of his yards come from YAC on screens, dumps to the flat, and 8 yard passes under the zone to a tight end. Make him try to push the field, and your Offense is putting their helmets back on.
Now, for those receivers. Maybe later in the season Boldin, and Housh will be threats, but not now. Boldin IS NOT A NUMBER 1 Receiver. If he was anything close to that Arizona would have at least tried to keep him. As far as the 2010 version of T.J. goes, do you really think NFL teams pay big time receivers to not play for them?
So what we saw playing out was a carbon copy version of what I constantly say happens when the Modern Bengals, play the Modern Ravens, and an almost identical version of some of the previous 4 showdowns.
History also found a new way to repeat itself, with stabbiin’ Ray Lewis’ postgame whining. At least one of the two Bengals/Ravens games end this way. With Baltimore players calling out the Refs to the media. This leads to some fines, and then the following week, the Refs relly let them have it, usually when it counts via pass interference, or un-sportsman like conduct. This yeara version came when ole stabbin’ Ray claimed the Refs “gave” 6 points to Cincy. Sure, there were two “judgment” calls, that were bad calls. However, what our ole friend stabbin’ Ray doesn’t really take into consideration that neither of the calls directly gave the Bengals points, just kept drives alive, and on one, wasn’t even on a third down. Both ended in field goals, and neither were put into field goal range by the bad calls. He also fogets that had it not been for Bengals penalties in the first half, this game is 17-0 Bengals at the half. Nor does stabbin’ Ray consider that if the “phantom” 6 points never came to be, the Bengals might not have been taking a knee with 2 minutes to go after screen pass Joe chucked his 4th oskie of the afternoon.
So congrats to whomever gets to see Baltimore next week, as the Refs will surely throw a couple free ones your way.

Alas, there is one final thing to cover wrapping up this past weekends football action. Ohio State played the most boring blowout ever vs. Ohio U. The most exciting thing was when the OU mascot, tried to take down Brutus Buckeye before the game, and even with the element of surprise, he still gave a weak effort, that pretty much summed up the whole day at Ohio Stadium. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urIG1ROYZfA

The Week That Was

September 16, 2010

I’m ready to pull myself out of the funk that sprung itself on me after a devastating loss by my Bengals (even though this was a game I counted on them losing in my total wins prediction, every ass-kicking hurts), working a trade show, and the obvious melancholy that comes with the end of the WNBA season.
Now though, I am back.
The Buckeyes won biggish, Notre Dame lost, and the WNBA Finals are here, I think.
Also, I got one strong kick in the pants as far as hate goes, when my whole city went into panic mode, for yet another tornado that never was.
So here is my rundown, of the week that was, sans the Bengals getting pile driven.

The Buckeyes, downgraded the Hurricanes, to a tropical storm at best. Maybe in time, but a black, less accurate version of Ken Dorsey, isn’t enough to win in the shoe, at least not in week two. Bucks may not be clear cut favorites to win it all, but they are in a good spot, and all their flaws can slowly be worked out by a good coaching staff, so we’ll see.
The Canes wanted to pay back the Buckeyes for the National Title game loss. They still get hung up by what they see as a a bad call in the end zone. Sure, if you go off of the one angle ABC showed, and Dan Fouts’ analysis (he has since been canned by ABC) it was a bad call. However, if you look at any of the 9 other angles on the play, you see Chris Gamble getting wrapped up by the cornerback as the ball was still 10 yards away. Is this why his vertical was close to 40 inches at the combine, but only 6 inches on the infamous play? Hurricanes, Woody Hayes tried to tell you, you can’t pay someone back, you have to pay it forward, like what the Buckeyes did to you again this season. See ya next year.

Detroit got screwed again. Oh what else can happen to the motor city? First a perfect game is taken away by a horrendous call, now a victory over a bitter rival, on their own turf, that would have put the Lions in first place, at least for a week. I know what the rule says, but the rule is asinine, and the way it is worded, does not even apply to this case. If that play happens on the 3 yard line, and on the way down just a tiny fraction of the ball passes over an invisible vertical plane that is the goal line, it is a touchdown. In this case, Megatron clearly catches the ball in his massive hands, goes down, one knee hts, then another, then a hip, an elbow, his ass, his back, the other elbow, he rolls over, still holding the ball, he’s been down technically 7 different ways, and as he goes to get up, he sets the ball down. According to NFL rules, it isn’t a catch. No ref in the world will claim that is wasn’t a catch, but as the rule states, it is not. Now, common sense could step in and play a tiny role hear, but that would be too difficult. Like the last time Detroit got screwed, Pandora’s box would be opened, and there would be gray areas, and all the ensuing mess. People fear that it would be a judgment call by the refs. Every penalty, is a judgment call by the refs. Life is nothing but gray areas, and judgment calls.
Maybe the electric car will be a hit, and Detroit will finally catch a break.

Some Mexican chick says the Jets sexually harassed her in their own locker room.
I’m not a lawyer, but I can safely say that whether it happens to a guy, or a girl, about 99% of things that happen in a room with 50 or so naked people, no matter how innocent it is, can in some way be sexual harassment. The only other option would be an orgy. If this chick thinks things were bad in the Jets locker room, imagine what would have happened if she was in the Steelers locker room, when big Ben gets back from the suspension stemming from his most recent raping. Como se dice en espanol Rape?

We had yet another Tornado scare today. It rained for nearly 3 minutes at my house got moderately windy, and yet somehow I am still alive, despite a Tornado warning, sirens, and all you could stand news coverage. I go to the grocery, people are being rushed behind the swinging doors to avoid the “tornado” that not only never was, but also would have passed over 20 minutes before according to the radar, and the blue sky outside. But, since we are a nation of tards, if there is a tornado “warning” anywhere in the county, all the sirens go off. Great system. Then, when I go to check out, there was a crowd of people waiting in line, looking out the window at blue skies, and zero grocery employees to check them out, as they were hiding, ducking, covering, praying, and possibly having panic sex because the damned sirens go off, and a “warning” means conditions are right for a tornado, according to our fat/gay/gayfat weathermen. Think about that for a second. A warning isn’t warning us that something is out there, actually present, actually posing a threat to kill us, just that the conditions are right for it.
Imagine if there is a rape warning, not because someone is being raped, or a rapist is on the prowl, but only because we feel a little vulnerable, and the conditions are right.
Or a fire alarm that goes off every time you’ve had a few beers, and decide to drag the turkey fryer out of the garage. This system is going to get people killed. Because people like me have played this game before, and we look outside, and say “doesn’t look that awesome”, and then we check the radar and say “there’s not even that many red spots”, and go about our live’s. So for now, most the world panics, heads to find shelter, or in the case of my sons daycare packs all the little kids into tiny interior rooms, thus freaking them out.

At least tonight I’t Always Sunny, and The League return.

V

September 15, 2010

The long awaited 2nd part, of my 4 part series has arrived.
When will we see part 3?
Well my friends, that depends on the Redlegs, and those dastardly Cardinals.
I’m not ready to call this thing over just yet.
For now, it’s just V.

Did it again

September 9, 2010

Anyone notice less than a week after bashing Time Warner, they reached a deal with Disney?
You’re welcome America.

Can We Do This?

September 9, 2010

Can the Reds blow an 8 game lead in September?
Many think it cannot be done. The lead was just too big. They thought the Reds would be too far ahead, the Crads to inconsistent, and the boys from the ‘nati would simply back into the playoffs.
Well my friends, I’m not betting against it.
We could be staring history right in the face.
What we thought was nothing like the shitty Reds teams of the past, may just be an entirely new kind of shitty Reds team.
The problem is, this team has choked in the big moments all year, and if this slide continues, every moment will become a big, do, or die moment for them, and then the biggest choke of all will be at hand.
I’m giving this thing until a 3 game lead, and then I’m becoming a temporary Rays fan, so I can at least see my team in the playoffs.
I don’t want to get greedy. This season I simply wanted to see the Reds keep it interesting until football starts.
Well, football is here, and there go the Reds. They did all I could have asked of them.
The problem is I started to believe. Not that they could win it all, but they could at least make the playoffs, for the first time since I was old enough to buy beer.
Plus, 20 years ago a playoff game ticket was promised to my little brother, and since they swept the steroid infused A’s, who were coached by a flaming butthole, my little brother never got to see them play. I managed to see them in the only game they lost that post-season.
So what I need is to ask for just a little bit more from my Reds. Please guys, make a young boys dream come true 20 years later, with one small catch.
I want more than anything for my little brother to get a ticket to a playoff Reds game. Not because I am a good brother, but more so because I am a dick. You see, my brother coaches a High School Football team, so considering the way the stupid ticket lottery thing works now, and the price of scalping a playoff ticket, the odds are pretty good my little brothers dream will come true, only to be crushed because he gets tickets to a Friday night game, thus letting me go in his place yet again.
Please God, Please Reds, Please crazy bastard who wants to burn Qurans, whomever can help me, make a young boys dream come true, and have the Reds get their shit together.