Playoff push

September 30, 2008

Does it get any better than this? Two teams, deadlocked after 162 games. One team needing to beat three teams in three days, to reach the post season. The Chicago White Sox, and the Minnesota Twins square off, in a winner take all battle for the American League Central, at U.S. Cellular field in Chicago. My boy Griffey appears to be the difference maker so far. Maybe. Kinda. Griffey gunned a runner out at the plate, and then doubled before being replaced by someone under the age of 35. Sure his runner ended up being stranded, but his throw out surely motivated Jim Thome to hit a solo home run. Personally, I’m pulling for the Chisox, as I want to see Griffey at least get a shot at it. The twins do have that one hat with my initials on it, so if they win, I’ll be o.k. with that. How do Twins fans feel about this game anyway? They did beat the Sox in head to head matchups this year, but still a tie is a tie in baseball. In footbal, this would go down the list of tiebreakers, and this game never would have happened. The team with the head to head best record would move on. If still a tie, it would go to the team with the better division record, then the team with the better league record, then finally to the team with the most beer sales. It may not be fair, but the excitement of this game can’t be matched on paper. The White sox won a coin toss to decide home field for this game, again screwing the twins fans. I have a little bit of a bad taste in my mouth from this whole deal. It seems like just yesterday I was rushing home from work, to get the beer and the grill ready for a winner take all matchup between my Reds, and the New York Mets. Years of being shit on were about to be washed away. My Reds had just won a late night, rain delayed game in Milwaukee, to force a deciding game 163. Fate was on our side. After the victory, we would track down a sober driver, and head south to Cincinnati to wait in line for Reds Playoff tickets, all while taking what could have been the greatest “sick” day of all time. Sadly it was not to be. The gods had screwed us yet again. The reds came up short, and the playoff drought continues to this day. Which of these teams will be feeling our pain tomorow? As we head to the 8th, it looks like the Sox could have it, but I’m not counting out the Twins just yet.

As a fan of shitty Ohio Sports teams, we have a year in, year out tradition, called pick which team(s) to root for in the playoffs. Really none of our hated rivals are in it. I do hate the Cubs, but most people kinda consider them the “special” kid at the spelling bee, and quietly cheer them on. I myself enjoy their pain, always have, always will. The Dodgers have been historical rivals of the Reds from the ole NL west days, but they got the Defiance kid, and Manny, so I’m leaning their way. I do like C.C. and hope that he can someday soon don a Reds Uni, so they are my #2 pick behind the Dodgers in the NL. For the A.L. I gott go with the Rays. I love an underdog story, and can’t handle anothe Boston title. So who does the rest of the country pull for in times like these. If you don’t have a horse in this race, let us all know who you’re pulling for.


Thanks Cleveland

September 29, 2008

My preseason prediction for the Bengals total wins was 4. Cincy has now lost two of the games I was counting on. Thanks to some horrible coaching, and a lack of Carson Palmer, the Bengals snuck away yesterday in the drivers seat for the coveted #1 pick. With Kansas City, and Cleveland both snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, the Bengals are also in position to have first dibs at Bill Cowher. I know the Lions still have yet to win. I know St. Louis has already fired their coach, but this was my plan all along, and for once in my life, things are falling into place to make me look like a genius. I know, I know, there’s still a lot of football to play, but I have all the confidence that my Bengals can lose any time, any place. This is our year. I’ve already started taking the letters off the back of my #28 ‘Dillon’ Jersey, in hopes of filling it in with ‘Wells’ letters. Going into the game I thought it was anyones game to lose. In fact, I thought Cleveland would have the top shot at Bill Cowher. Marvin Lewis proved me wrong. First, he benched Palmer, which may have been the smart move, but pretty much erased any shot at a Cinci victory. Second, he continued his streak of the worst coach’s challenges ever. Lucky for us, Romeo forgot he could do that, as he is the only coach I’ve seen worse at the challenge than Marvin. Marvin’s boys then used up the remaining two timeouts on defense, in the third quarter, in situations that weren’t all that important. Not only did we trick Cleveland into thinking their coach might not be that shitty, we also bought at least one more week of that 6’6″ turd Derek Anderson at their helm. You’re welcome Browns fans. I am starting to feel sorry for T.J. and Chad. I say we set them free. With them, and a healthy Palmer, we might actually win a game or two, and we can’t afford to risk that now.

So when do you think Georgia will do another “Blackout”? I said on the message boards friday that I thought Bama would pull it off, but not like that. I thought the Black jersey thing was a bad move. They were the favored team, at home, at night. You don’t need special jersey’s to win. That’s bush league stuff, that I thought only went on in South Bend. I do like the thought of all the fans wearing a single color though. It can make a sweet atmosphere, when done correctly. Unfortunately for Georgia, they did not put much thought into the “Blackout”. When 98% of your fanbase at the game is white people, it kinda loses the effect. Instead of an intimidating sea of blackness, that rattles the opponent. Georgia’s fans looked like just a whole bunch of white people, in a poorly lit area. Go red, or even better, white. Penn State, as much as they are over-rated, knows how to pull off a white out. Rarely do you see PSU fans at a white out, not wearing white. Other than the opposing teams fans, it’s a solid white stadium, and it gets loud. I never really understood why they didn’t do a Blue out, when their team is wearing blue, and the opponents always wearing white, but then I saw Georgia try the Black-out, and now I know why PSU chose white. Georgia did do a decent enough job getting the fans to wear all black, there was a few stragglers in red or white, but at least the majority was in tune. Too bad the team sucked. That game was over before Uga 7 could even start licking his red rocket. I know my buckeyes have contributed to this mess as well, but does every saturday prime time game have to suck? Can we have at least one game worth watching midway through the 4th quarter?

I was going to go on a rant about the rankings, but it’s still september, and there is no point in rankings this early anyway, but I do have to make a few quick points. So when else in sports history, has what happened in a previous year mattered as much as it does for Ohio State this year? Am I the only one that thinks it’s a little unfair. Let’s all get the Patriots banned from the playoffs, since last year they choked. Yes we got smacked in two BCS games in a row. Yes we got trounced at USC earlier this year. They were the number 1 team then right? How is it Florida chokes, at home, to a more than horrible Ole Miss. team, and they stay above OSU. Can anyone honestly say the OSU team that takes the field from here on out, is the same as the one that failed to show up in LA? What about Georgia getting destroyed at home? 31-0 at the half, and they stay ahead of OSU, Florida, and an Auburn team that barely lost to #3 LSU. Illinois, even though they suck, loses away from home to #4 Missouri, and #6 PSU, and they get dropped from the polls. They were actually still in both those games in the 4th qtr. Weren’t they ranked below those teams at the start of each game anyway? If the rankings are done correctly, isn’t the better ranked team supposed to win? Oh that’s right, It’s september, and doesn’t matter. Yet.

A lot of people think that tailgating can cause problems in a relationship. Many spouses or significant others have problems with their man spending the day drinking with his buddies in a parking lot, often surrounded by much younger women. That’s not always the case. Tailgating can bring couples together, in ways that few activities can. Tailgating can help people cut loose, and relax, often resutling in a romantic ending for all involved. Cutting loose, and having a few drinks, is great for relationships. This doesn’t have to mean a bottle of wine with dinner, or drinks at the bar with friends. Getting the gang together before a big game, tossing a few back, is a great way to kick start the romance. Sometimes tailgating hightens the excitement, and brings couples together. Sometimes, if the situation is just right, and the beer is just cold enough, they might not even wait for the game to end as seen here. What better way to finish off a day of tailgating than a quick HJ overlooking the endzone?

One of the advantages the warm weather cities have over their cold weather brethren, is that the young tailgating ladies wear far less clothes. The first few weeks it’s a level playing field, but once the leaves start to turn, tailgaters in the south have mother nature, and the bikinis on their side. So hats off to all the tailgating that’s going down, where the temperature stays up. The only bad thing about an elevated level of scantilly clad hotties is the abdundace of their male douchebag counterparts. So remember, where their is tailgating, and women, one still must proceed with caution. Unless, you are sitting way out on a hill with only a few dozen other people.

6 Month’s!

September 25, 2008

Dylan turned 6 months old last night! Time flies, and thinking back, it seems like a couple weeks ago he was born. It’s been pretty awesome so far, and can’t wait to see what the future holds. Tonight, we celebrated by giving him a bath, which is basically just him splashing the whole time. We both laugh, and mommy gets soaked. It’s a good time. Saddly he still hasn’t learned to splash the “good parts” of her shirt. I keep trying to teach him, but he doesn’t seem to care as much as I do. We also tried to give him yogurt, which he was not a big fan of. Who wouldn’t like a product called Yo-baby? He has eaten pretty much everything else we have tried, so we’ve been lucky there. You can feel some teeth coming in in his gums, so hopefully we can move onto feeding him cooler foods like ribs. He’s getting more and more fond of the stupid dog. For some reason he thinks Rudi is pretty cool. This makes me wonder if he hasn’t developed his olfactory senses yet, as Rudi usually smells like a turd. He especiialy likes yanking on Rudi’s fur, or punching him in the face. Rudi likes the attention, but trying to keep dog fur out of his mouth can be a pain in the hiney. He’s getting closer and closer to crawling. He pretty much gets into position no problem, but never goes anywhere. He does have the pivotting, and rolling down pat. Most mornings, he’s in a completely different area of his crib just hanging out. Our new trick is I have tought him to punch me in the face, and he cracks up laughing. This may not be the best thing to teach a baby, but it keeps us both happy, and it will help him teach the other kids at daycare that he doesn’t mess around. I can pretty much get him to crack up and laugh on cue, which is the cutest thing ever. This will also give me an edge in the “cool” parent race. My wife doesn’t stand a chance, but she’ll keep trying. She does still have the built in food source, which I can’t compete with, so we’ll call it a tie for now. So as we move along, we all continue to have a good time, and enjoy the ride.

It has become more and more apparent, that we cannot trust our dog to defend us. If anyone comes into our home, intending to do us harm, we are on our own. I first started to notice his worthlessness, when he was a youngster. Any loud noise would freak him out. Recently, I started up the vacume, and he took off and hid behind the baby who was sitting in his bouncie seat. I think it’s safe to say, he is for entertainment purposes only at this point. No Mike Vick style activities for this dog. Once he was laying beside the couch, and whomever was laying on the couch knocked a pillow off, and it fell on his back. He peeled out on the wood floor, like they do in the cartoons, and jumped down the stairs to wait out the attack in the safety of the basement. It’s not like I beat this dog senseless. This dog has pretty much never seen aggression, but for some reason is as nervous as a pedophile before Trick-or-treat night. He weighs over 100 pounds, and can scare away strangers who come to our door selling stuff. Why is he such a wimp? As long as their is a closed door, or window separating im from other dogs ,the mailman, little kids, he’s a badass. Tonight was the last straw. After I got home from work, I was doing stuff in the kitchen, and rudi was laying at the top of the stairs. I must have not shut the door all the way, cause the breaze blew it open. He made this hysterical whining noise and hauled ass ass far away as he could get. He went to the end of the hall, but the bedrrom doors were closed. He kinda hid around the corner, and then recaptured his toughness. As soon as he was certain he was safe, he started growling like an actual mean dog. Had there been a path to safety that would have resulted in running me over, he would have taken it, if it were the shortest route. I am the proud owner of the pound-for-pound weakest dog of all time. But I can still blame farts on him, so he’ll stay.

Has anyone else seen these commercials with various athletes, for this Vaseline Lotion? It’s pretty weird. At the end of the commercial they say things like “to see more of Chase Utley, go to” Isn’t this country messed up enough? do we need to have advertisements combining picture’s of dude athletes, the internet, and vaseline lotion? Now if Vaseline were to have the same commercials with say, Jessica Alba, and then mentioning Vaseline, and the internet, they could expect a pretty decent sales jump.

So a semi-actual website has put a link to our little blog. Check out the tailgating ideas website. Every day I check the stats page, and it seems that along with the people from google looking for ways to save sharks or pandas, or the people searching for Erin Andrew boobs pics, a few random folks from there stumble upon us. Pretty cool I may have to step it up now that people are watching. So anyone with any great tailgating ideas, feel free to add them. I’ll try and keep adding to the Great moments in Tailgating history series.

There you have it.

September 24, 2008

There has been some clamoring on the message boards about too much emphasis on talking about shitty Ohio football teams, and not enough Who Would You Rather Bang? debates. After doing some soul searching, I asked myself, ‘why not both’? I love my shitty Ohio sports teams, and I love talking about banging random famous people. Shouldn’t there be a way to do both? The answer is an astounding yes. At first I thought this would be a tough task finding famous people who could represent all the shitty Ohio teams, in a way that honors this blog. It didn’t take long for me to realize, that this could become an entire blog all of it’s own, dedicated to celebrities who root for shitty Ohio sports teams. So in the spirit of competition, and discussions of shitty Ohio sports teams, I bring to you all, the first of the ‘shitty Ohio sports teams’ edition of the world famous ‘Who would you rather bang?’. There is a surprising ammount of celebrities who for some reason root for shitty Ohio teams. What I try to do, is keep the matches interesting, so here we go. We have one famous person representing The Buckeyes, The Browns, and of course my Bengals.

Representing the Cleveland Browns: Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. This may come as a surprise to many Ohio sports fans, but Ms. Rice is a pretty big NFL fan. She has stated many times that she desires to someday be the commissioner of the NFL, which ties her in nicely to this debate, as she would have to spend the bulk of her time as commissioner suspending Ohio teams athletes. She grew up a cleveland Browns fan, as those games were for some reason broadcast in Birmingham Alabama. Later in life she switched allegiances, even rooting for the Cincinnati Bengals at one point, due to her friendship with the legendary Anthony Munoz, and her admiration for Paul Brown. Well once her ole friend Carmen Policy took over as Cleveland’s G.M., and it was clear the bengals weren’t going to take her anywhere, she was back with the Browns. Most people think of her as all business, but she can really doll it up as well She knows more than her fair share about football, and browns history. Here is her response, when she was aksed how far from the goal line was Earnest Byner before he fumbled against Denver John Madden couldn’t do it better himself.

Representing THE Ohio State University, we have the walking V.D. clinic herself. Tara Reid. Ms. Reid is a huge sports fan, and has a special spot in her heart for football. Not just any football, but Buckeye Football. Apparently her brother attended OSU, and she got on for the ride. Usually whenever there is a big game in Columbus, she is in town, and is seen at various bars the day of, and before the Big game. Before the 2006 OSU vs. Michigan showdown, she was the toast of the town, and was seen anywhere a radio station that would buy her drinks was at. She even apparently has filmed a movie, with OSU legend Eddie George. Quick google research has showed that it is not a sextape, thus causing me to lose interest. She does have one trump card on almost any Buckeye fan. After achieving absolute Hottness in ‘Van Wilder’ she decided on a little elective surgery. Amongst some other work done, she had one of her boobs re-made to resemble OSU mascot Brutus Buckeye

There is however, a surprisingly small ammount of celebrities who root for the Bengals. But what they lack in numbers, they make up for in quality. Representing my Bengals is Nick lachey. Being from the area, he is a fan of all things cinci, and who isn’t? His dreamy looks, and moderate talent have stolen the hearts of 14 year old girls everywhere, but he ranks especially high amongst Bengal fans. He even recently was honored by throwing out the first pitch at an almost sold-out Reds game Perhaps his greatest accomplishment to date, was getting his hot girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo to root for the Bengals I know. We can do a lot better than that

Let the voting begin.

We got screwed

September 23, 2008

I just read that Clay Aiken has come out of the closet. What the hell? All the times Clay Aiken has opened up personally on this site, and he breaks this news to People magazine? I gott say I’m a little dissapointed in you Clay. Not that you like dudes, we all knew that. But, that you didn’t give us the exclusive on this story. I’m kicking you out of our WNBA fantasy league. And that’s that.

It’s always sunny

September 23, 2008

This past week marked the return of the greatest show in the history of television. ‘It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia’. A must watch, that can’t be explained in words, but I’ll give it a shot. When the show first came out, I never tuned in. Mainly because I didn’t know there was a channel called FX, and the title of the show made it sound kinda gay. I’ve since learned just how wrong I was on both. FX has by far the best “real” shows. Not sports, or crappy reallity shows, but programs that require actual writers, and actors. ‘Rescue Me’ is a close second for Best non-southpark show on TV. They also have a new show about a biker gang that has some real potential for filling in sportsless weeknights once baseball is done. The real winner, is ‘Always Sunny’. every week, they have 2 episodes. The basic plot is this, four idiots who run a dive bar in Philly, find new and exciting ways to navigate their own lives, and ruin other people’s. Danny Devito plays the father of the two siblings from the gang, and may be the most messed up one of them all. A cast of re-occuring characters such as the uni-browed inbread chick, and her incestuous family from down the street, the other messed up parents, and the crackhead-ex priest, add a little flare. The problem is, they show the 2 episodes, and then immediately run them again, basically stealing my entire thursday evening, because I always watch it the 2nd time. It’s on thursdays at 10:00, so tune in and enjoy. I rarely recommend anything not beer or food related, but I thought I’d make an exception. Anyone screwed up enough to visit this site more than once, will surely It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

Another fine program, that has come to my attention, is Dancing with the stars. I’m not a regular viewer by any means, but every season I plan to be, but then forget. When I first saw the previews for this show, I was dissapointed in the creativity of mankind. Once I saw these ladies on the show, I was hooked. These dancing chics are hot. Not just the Dancers, but most of the B-list celebs they have on there are rockin as well. Did anybody know that Tony Braxton was hot? How did I miss that? The obvious hottie is Brooke Burke from the E channel. She was also in Playboy a couple of times. I once ate dinner with the centerfold from the second time she was in Playboy. It’s not nearly as cool as it sounds, it was at a wedding, and my wife was there as well, but I did share a table with a playmate. Anywho, Warren Sapp is also on the show, and I love Warren Sapp, because he always dipped on the sidelines. The chic he dances with is incredible, you have to tune in to see. Now the actual dancing sucks, and the idiots they have hosting and judging will make your ears bleed. So Put it on mute, and tune in to Dancing with the Stars. Outside of It’s Always Sunny, and Antiques Roadshow, it’s as good as non-sports gets.

So close.

September 22, 2008

My Bengals had it. It was right there. A win that would have made up for two losses to two shitty teams, and kept my dream of a four win season alive. And then, that damn Eli Manning did it again. It was gone forever. Now looking at the schedule, and knowing how shitty the offensive line is, the Bengals could be trading punches with the Rams and the Chiefs all year long, to see who gets that coveted number 1 overall pick. Even though it was a loss, and Palmer got sacked like 47 times, I thought that was the best coaching job the Bengals have had in a long time. Even though they looked like a much improved team, they still suck. However, my dreams of Bill Cowher, and Beanie Wells leading the Bengals to glory, may be in Danger, as a new contender for both of their services has came into play. The Cleveland Browns, may actually be the worst team in the NFL. I know, folks in Kansas City, and St. Louis can make strong arguments, but the Browns just suck at everything. Don’t those bastards know I have a plan for Cincy? I called dibs on Cowher and Wells back in the preseason, this is my dream. Cleveland just may suck bad enough to ruin it all. I know half the team is out with staph infections, because apparently the Browns do not employ janitors. But seriously, those guys made baltimore look like the ’85 bears. I had for some reason predicted 6 wins for them, and that’s not even gonna be close. Brady Quinn should have a chnace to show the nation just how over-rated he really was, by week 5. He is pretty ripped, as all great quarterbacks are. I mean all the great quarterbacks in history looked like body builders. Mike vick, tavarus jackson, Mike McMann, all future hall of famers. Guys like Montana, Manning, Brady, Marino, those dude all sucked because they just didn’t lift weights enough. He’s just what that team needs. There really isn’t one aspect of football they appear to be good at. At least the Bengals have a sweat kicker, though he is a red head. This weekend the Bengals and Browns square off, to decide which team really wants their coach fired more. Seeing as how neither team has scored much this year, I’m expecting a shoot-out, with no actual winner. Whoever scores more, moves dangerously farther away from that #1 pick. Whoever loses, should have to disband. I think the NFL should punish refs who make horrible calls, by making them do either the Bengals or Browns game the following week. Even though both teams have shitty defenses, there could be 20+ sacks in this game. Last week the Bengals had to put 8 guys in the box, all blocking for Palmer, and T.J. and Chad just had to get open before Palmer got smashed. Somehow it actually worked, in the second half, it was a thing of beauty. It was the football equivalent of the sacrifice bunt. The browns had to use the ole count to 2 and chuck it method, with less than stellar results. The defense was even worse. Either Joe Flacco is the next Joe Montanna, or Ohio Football teams really suck that bad. I’m affraid to even ponder which is the correct answer.

Can ESPN hire people who actually watch the games? I realize that if you have to talk about all the games, you’re not gonna pay any attention to games like Cleveland vs. Baltimore, or Cincy vs. New York. There was some big games going on, but is it too hard to ask for them to just have a guy watch only that game, so when he is on t.v. talking about it he actually knows what he is talking about? Mike Ditka today said ‘Chad Johnson needs to earn his pay, and catch more balls’. Doesn’t somebody have to throw it to him first? Chris Berman said ‘Palmer just doesn’t look quite right’. Maybe because he was upside down? These guys get paid to watch and talk about football. A dream job. At least pretend they know what the hell they are saying. I never once heard any of these experts say anything about the Bengals lineman forgetting to block anyone. Or the Browns receivers having more drops or Pass Interference penalties than catches. I think they just watch the good games, and guess what actually happened to the crappy teams.

easy now…

September 20, 2008

So today was the day we finally got to see Terrell Pryor get his first start. Let me first say, that I was blabbing all week about how it was time to hand the ball over to Pryor. After the way the offensive line for OSU played against USC, he was the only way they were going to be able to get a play off. Todd Boekman has no chance, if they block like that. Few quarterbacks alive, would have a chance with an offensive line that blocks nobody. I didn’t expect Boekman to be completely pushed aside. I feel bad for the kid, I really do. Pryor looked O.K. The stats don’t really tell the whole truth. This was anybody’s game going into the 4th quarter, and Troy sucks, so lets not get too excited. I’m sure given the chance to sit back in that pocket, Boekman could have done at least as well as Pryor, likely even better. Pryor did make some sweet plays with his feet, and didn’t just pull it down and run it every time he had a chance, he played way better than I expected for his first start, but Troy sucks. He was able to avoid the pressure, and hit the open man, but Troy sucks. After watching todays game, I couldn’t help but wonder, if OSU was just playing against a group of random dudes named Troy, would it have been any different? I mean put Troy Smith, or troy Aikman at QB, find some other dudes named troy, like Troy Brown, or Troy Kanopka, or Dr. Troy from ‘Nip Tuck’, they’d be about as good, as Troy the college. You might have to stretch it to allow for dyslexia, and let people named Tory play, but it would be close to the ammount of talent that was facing the bucks today. I again was ashamed to be a Buckeye fan today, when Boekman actually got in, and threw one incomplete pass, and headed to the sideline to a chorus of boo’s from the home crowd. If you were at the game, and you booed Todd Boekman, you are a piece of shit, plain and simple. What happened at USC was no more his fault, than it was George Bush’s. USC kicked our ass, and the majority of the team played like shit, most of all the O line, and the coaching staff. Yes Boekman played shitty, but Pryor didn’t exactly light it up either. They split time, and we lost by 32. Today was a sad sight. Thousands of OSU fans think that since they bought a ticket to the only non-sellout of the year, they have the right to be ignorant assholes. Those poor poor, buckeye fans, might not get a national title the fans have worked so hard for, and it’s all Todd Boekman’s fault. I mean all this kid did was come to OSU, pay his own way for a year, work hard in practice, and represented himself and his team with nothing but class for the next four years, quietly waiting his turn to play in years 5 and 6. What a dick. I mean all he did was take a team predicted to finish 3rd in the League, who lost the 3 leading receivers, a lineman, the leading rusher, and the Heisman winning quarterback, all the way to the BCS championship game. Yes he played like shit in that game, but the line was worse, and he was facing a defense full of first rd. picks, in their backyard. That bastard. Let’s run that fucker out of town. I mean, he’s only our captian, as elected by the other players, surely they have to hate him as much as we do right? The guy is totally worthless, all he did last year was be the leading passer in the league, he sucks right? Personally, I’m a Pryor man myself, but at some point in time, Boekman will be needed. Pryor is a freshman by the way. In the mean time, I’m guessing a lot of the receivers would rather look into the huddle and know, that if they are open, and Boekman is upright, they’ll get the ball, as opposed to Pryor running for 5 yards. Pryor is our future, but as for the present, OSU fans have got waay to caught up in winning it all, or silencing total strangers who say mean things about our favorite team. So what if we don’t win it all? How many titles have we won the last 40 years? It’s not like we’re the Yankees and that’s all we’re used to. So what if random people say mean things about us? How is it we can put up with years and years of quarterbacks who weren’t exactly the greatest of all time, but we have to be dicks to Todd Boekman. I remember a team we love to hate, that had a dependable, in no way mobile, tall white QB, who was  a senior, and they ran him out of town, in favor of a highly touted freshman that had yet to do anything in college. That freshman later went on to be involved in a baseball trade with Willy Mo Pena, and Denny Neigle, whilst doing nothing in football. That horrible senior, was Tom Brady. I’m not saying Boekman is going to be the next Tom Brady, but you can’t gauruntee Pryor isn’t the next Drew Henson either. In the mean time buckeye fans, remember what’s so great about our teams. We’ve been a lot shittier than we are now, enjoy the games, light shit on fire, and if I catch you booing Todd Boekman I will Teabag you in the parking lot. That kid deserves better. As for Todd Boekman, if you are feeling down, I will be willing to slam some Bud Light Limes with you any day. I will be wearing a Terrell Pryor jersey though, and making fun of St. Henry OH.

So what do you get when you mix the worst offensive line this side of Oakland, with a team that won the superbowl mainly because of their pass rush? Carson Palmer’s offseason starting at about 2:15 tomorow, that’s what. I’ve lost all hope, and am rooting for the Bengals to be the worst team in football, so we can draft a healed up Beanie Wells. Though I want them to lose, I am actually scared for Carson’s safety. The Giants might actually break him in half. The only chance the Bengals have, is if we buy everyone on the Giants 2 deep on defense tickets to the final yankee stadium game, and they go tailgating early.

As for SEC teams fans. Please, please shut the hell up. Why is it, that as soon as you get up by 2 scores, you all have to chant SEC! SEC! SEC!? You guys hate eachother, but have no problem bragging about eachothers success as soon as you play a non SEC school. Way to beat unranked ASU Georgia. Clearly you guys are the best ever. Yes you guys have the best league of all the BCS schools, you have 2 teams who could win it all as opposed to everyone elses one (sorry Missouri). We should all be giving you hand jobs, for being so awesome. Yeah, so most of the last 40 years you guys were kind of a joke as far as football is concerned, with the exception to the whole Bear Bryant era, but you’re good now, so let us all hear about it. I guess fans of the PAC 10, ACC, Big 12 and Big 10, and Big East, missed their chance to let you hear about how good they were from 1966-2004. Oh well, you guys have 4 whole years of dominance going, let us all bow down to you. Just make sure that you do that gay assed chear whenever, Arkansas, Kentucky, South Carolina, Ole Miss, Mississippi St., Vanderbilt, get throttled by an out of confrence foe. Make sure you do the cheer when Tennessee loses to UCLA, who clearly sucks really really bad. Make sure you tell us all how bad we suck, and then brag about beating us, cause that makes soo much sense. We’ll sit back and honor you in any way we can, after all what could we possibly say bad about you guys. Well I’ll give it a shot. Remember slavery? That was fun wasn’t it? Hmmm, which part of the country was doing that? I don’t recall. Remember the Civil War? didn’t you guys secede from the union? How’d that work out for ya? Let me do a quick count of all the North American countries….Wait, why isn’t there a whole bunch of small countries just south of Ohio? Oh wait, you lost. Your whole way of life got F’d in the A. God donkey punched your whole existence, and set you all back about 200 years. Boo Hoo. It’s cool though, you still have the inbreeding and southern fried everything. Go ahead and do the SEC cheer, you guys are great. Just remember, if any SEC teams ever come accross the mason dixon for a game, say, in november or later, you can do the cheer, but I’ll be there, in an Abe lincoln costume, singing the Battle Hymn of the Republic. Oh wait, isn’t that also Georgia’s fight song? Way to make a lot of fucking sense Georgia. Stay classy bitches.

Not every great tailgating story has to end with dumping piss on a stranger. Nor does every great tailgating moment have to even be at a football game. Tonight, we venture out of the friendly confines of The Ohio State university campus, and into the wide world of sports.

Our first story, is a glorious tail about not only tailgating, but teamwork, dedication, stadium beers, and the excitement of playoff race baseball. Apparently, during a recent New Yorks Mets home game, one particular fan had maybe one too many beers, and it looks like a few qualudes as well. Judging by the fact that he is in the cheap seats, theres no way all of his drinking took place inside the game, where beers will run well over 5 bucks a pop. There’s only one way this went down, and that was tailgating. Somewhere before the game, this lucky fella had one hell of a time, and somebody just stuck a baseball game in the middle of it. Take a look for yourself.

Our next stop along our magical journey of tailgating around the globe, takes us to Africa. During a recent soccer, match in the Democratic Republic of Congo, a riot broke out, and 13 people were killed. One of the best things about tailgating is pretty much any off field death at a sporting event can somehow be linked to tailgating. Besides sheer drunkenness, what could have caused this riot you ask? Well one of the teams goaltenders started using witchcraft on his opponents. Normal people would just wonder what the hell this guy was doing, and immediately take him off their Congolese fantasy futbol team’s roster. Not tailgaters, they go apeshit. This sort of thing appears to be common in the Congo. They do everything from smearing pigs blood on the opponents locker, to burying live cattle in front of the oppositions goal, just to get an edge. I’m guessing the big hump, with a cows head sticking out, in front of the goal you are trying to kick into isn’t exactly helpfull. Normally these activities become little more than conversation starters, but when the crowds been tailgating, look out. 

Our final stop for the night, takes us to the great state of Maryland, at the world renowned Pimlico race course, for the Preakness stakes. Here not only is tailgating on a late spring saturday part of the event, it has even spawned new ones. The running of the Urinals has gained global attention thanks to the internet. Basically, once the tailgating has reached full swing, and there is a break between races, the common folk get their moment to shine. This isn’t for the people who own horses, or wear funny hats, this is for the people who bring the lawn chairs and coolers. The folks in the infield. The Tailgaters. The jist of it is this. There is a long row of porto-shitter’s for all the beer drinking youngsters who tailgate this fantastic event. We’re talking about dozens, and dozens of portable shitters all lined up in a row. Drunken tailgaters try to run accross the roofs of the porto-shitters, while dodging a barrage of beers thrown by the crowd below. It’s like the battle of shittysburgh. Most folks don’t make it accross the long line of single unit shitters. The glorious few who survive the onslaught of the long stretch, move on to running accross the tops of the Handicap shitters, and the family/gangbang urinals. Few survive from one end of the other. Those who do, are likely outcast by there friends becaus ethey smell like a trash can, and will later be date raped in the parking lot by a pack of wild jockey’s. One things for certain, this is tailgating at it’s finest. 

Feel free to add any more great ones out there.