August 31, 2009

What an amazing past few days this has been.
First off, congrats to the Elida Bulldogs, who won. I gotta say there were a few factors that lead to their winless streak getting snapped, most important of which, was my presence. EHS is undefeated in games I take my sone to. He’s the ultimate good luck charm, even if he just ran around the parking lot, and ate popcorn the whole time, before almost passing out at halftime. Taking a little kid to a game is great. They love to people watch, and any sporting event has that in bulk. They love music, and marching bands are some of the best background music, no matter how much they suck. Little kids also love to clap their hands together, to celebrate evn the smallest victories. The one problem was my son clapped whenever anyone else clapped, no matter which team it was for. Little kids are also the best escape plan. You always have an out when you take a little kid somewhere. Ours was bedtime, so we left just before halftime. The problem was though, it was a good game, and unlike college or pro games, you can’t catch the end on the radio, or television. Either way, the Bulldogs finally won a game, so hats off to those bastards.

Andre SMith, is actually a Bengal. Just when I had convinced myself he was never going to sign, something amazing happened. I haven’t seen the numbers yet, or heard who gave in the most, but we signed our first rd. pick. Too bad camp has been over now for a week or so. After the New England game, I thought our line was pretty solid, even without Andre the giant. Then I remembered the average age of the New England defense, is 53 yers old, and the Lowly Rams caused all sorts of problems. I know it was JT, and not Carson, but I may move my predicted win total back down to 6. I’ll hold off on that for now, we play a lot of shitty teams, and actually have a decent tackle waiting inthe fold. Just think, we can have him in game shape by week 7 or so!


Hard Knocks: Episode 3

August 27, 2009

This weeks episode of Hard Knocks, had everything a Bengals fan could want. Plenty of OchoCinco, serious injuries to key players, a preseason win, and more in-depth views into how the brown family keeps the team from being sucessful. They’re finally getting into a groove, and I love every minute of it.
Sure, it had more of the same, but how much new stuff can one learn about their favorite team, that they haven’t already picked up in thirty or so years of being a fan? Surprisingly, quite a bit.
1. Mike Zimmer, is awesome. Plain and simple. Coming in last year, and almost making the Bengals scrap-heap defense a top 10 defense, is an amazing feat, all by itself. What really got me on the Zimmer fan club, is how he talks. Both he and the Linebackers coach, are pure gold. They could do a show just about them. Of course, it could only be shown on HBO, as they cuss almost as much as myself. I really don’t trust folks who edit their language. I prefer as much profanity as I can get. These two definitely know how to lay down the F-bombs. The best line was when they were reviewing films, and he says before a play “check this shit out”. Pure gold. I have no doubt now, this years bengals defense, will finish in the top 8 in the league. If not, there will be plenty of profanity flying around.

2. Rey Mualuga, will start. Barring an injury, he’s there. the coaches even said so. When the Bengals 2nd rd. pick came up, and he was still there, I said a little prayer “Please God, don’t let them fuck this up”, and my wish came true. Thanks God! To hear the coaches pretty much say in total agreement, that he had to start, restores a lot of hope in Bengaldom. If we can keep him from getting injured, or having an embarrasing DUI arrest video, we’ll be set.

3. White people will pretty much just give their kids to a large black man if he asks. I think it was Darryl Blackstock, who went to the sideline, and asked for a little kid to take into the locker room. Instantly, some whit eguy was throwing his young son over the ropes, for this stranger to take away, without any clue as to what was going to transpire. It’s not like it was a big name, or famous guy, he didn’t even have on a jersey, or a helmet to be identified by. it could have very well  been a very keen kidnapper. I would have loved to see the guy explain to his wife why little billy didn’t make the trip back from Kentucky. In the end, he got to go into the locker room, get some autographs, meet a lot of half naked black guys, and got a free football. It was a pretty cool move by the player. Even if seeing Chris Henry, or Tank Johnson nude is gonna mean a fortune in counseling bills.

4. Andre Smith is never going to get here. I’ve said all I cn about how fucking stupid the Bengals ownership is, what else is there?

5. Chad Ochocinco, shops at claires boutiques. I guess if you are stupid enough to wear earrings while you play NFL football games, they might as well be $12.00 fakes. Now, about those manni/peddi’s.

6. I’m now in love with all the USC guys. I’ve finally realized that without them, we’re the worst team in the league. With them, we might actually be pretty solid. Obviously Carson is as important as air, Keith Rivers will make a huge difference, and Rey, well, he was wearing a Reds shirt, so he’s my new favorite player. The teaming up to shop for furniture is the kind of solidarity we need. Plus, they kind of seduced the saleschick, so even more points with me on that one.

7. I think Ocho, and Bill Bellichek, are BFF’s. Not sure how that relationship got started, by I see Ocho doing a Corey Dillon, and winning a ring in New England in two years. Can he take me with him?

8. So much drama with the final running back, and safety. So they will make us think. Anyone who has been a Bengal fan for more than 9 minutes knows Brian Leonard, has already made the team. No matter how many long runs DeDe Dorsey makes, he’ll be back with the colts in two weeks. You see, Mike Brown traded for Leonard, which means there is no way in hell he will cut him. Couple that with the fact tht he could play fullback in a pinch, and it’s a done deal. In Mike Browns world, shitty, and cheap trumps talented, and slightly more expensive any day. As far as the safeties go. The kid from Illinois state community tech, or whereever, is on the team. Again, he’s cheap, but looks to be pretty damn good anyway, so he’s a steal. It will sadden me if Lynch gets cut, as he made the greatest play in the history of sports…..

God speed number 47, you’ll always be number 1 in my heart.

No end in sight

August 25, 2009

The madness that is the Delino Deshields debate continues. I tried to put a stop to it, by outing some of our nations finest, and laying down some facts. Still, somehow the retards are climbing out of the woodwork, and chiming in on this one. Once again, he left his email address, which I really appreciate. It’s gonna come in handy some night at say 2 a.m. when I come home slightly buzzed, and pissed off after an OSU game. I may just do a completely seperate blog, showcasing these idiots, and accidently posting their Email address, and I.P. addresses. Woops.
So once again, someone tried to put me in my place. At first I thought I had really gotten served this time, then I read past the second word, and discovered this might actually be the smartest commenter yet. I’m not gonna go through the hassel of posting the entire article again, just scroll down for that. Instead, I’m gonna just show his, or her argument, and my response. Again, I hate having to do this, but it does help pass the time. This special person, took time out of there day, to somehow stumble across our site, then take the time to post a comment, explaining how wrong I am. He rally did his research on this one.

  • get yo facts straight said

    August 25, 2009 at 10:04 am eDelino has been coaching with the Reds since March of 2009. There’s no way he could’ve been in LA at the time you are saying. Especially at a Clippers game? Front row at the Lakers, maybe? But definately not nose-bleed at the Clippers. Go have another beer you drunk bastard! In a perfect world, ass holes like you wouldn’t be able to spread lies like this. There would be consequences for your false accusations.

  • August 24, 2009 at 8:05 pm e[…] Where have you gone Delino Deshields? […]

  • ctgobucks said

    August 25, 2009 at 10:39 am eChild please. Where should I begin on this one. First off, I will have another beer, but my biological parents are still married, and raised me from birth, so I’m technically not a bastard. A dick, yes. Secondly, try reading the entire article, and again, look at those crazy little numbers under the title, they are THE DATE THE POST WAS WRITTEN. Once you figure out what those mean,you’ll see that this was written well after the LA Clippers season ended. In fact, it all went down during game 6 of the eastern confrence finals. Also check the sentence about us watching AAA Baseball, and more importantly, the COLUMBUS Clippers. This should indicate to you, that we were not watching an LA Clippers basketball game. Maybe the part about sitting in the cheap seats in the outfield confused you. In a perfect world, someone who isn’t a total retard could read everything to people like you. There would be consequences for being a complete dipshit. Go have another cock in your face, you gay bastard.

  • Oh one of the simple joys I get in life, is checking my email, and seeing someone has posted a comment to my little blog. I love seeing one of my pals has said something funny, or borderline incriminating/lible-ish. Even better, is when a total stranger stops by, and tries to either call me out on something, or act all high and mighty. I really wish the world could see some of the things people have said to me. Some, are very harsh, yet hillarious. Apparently, the general idea, is to leave a comment for a total stranger (in this case me) and the commenter has in fact stuck-it to me. In a sense, I get served. The mature thing would be for me to let it go, but we all know that’s just not how I roll. No, I like to reply to the old post, which may never get noticed by anyone, and then periodically leave emails to this stranger (for some reason they almost always leave their email when they serve me). This most often happens late at night, and is a great way for me to relieve stress. Sometimes I leave these people emails that say things like “Hey I’m gonna be in town, we should meet up and make-out”. Sadly, these emails actually get replied to, with even harsher words than the original post. It goes on, and on, and I will never tire of it.
    The most recent case of this, came just this week. When some stranger decided to put me in my place regarding my blog about the time we ran into Delino Deshields at a minor league baseball game. Here’s how it all went down…..

    What is it about non-superstar athletes out in public? Why are you so against admitting who you are to random drunk white guys when they come up and ask you if are who you actually are? Why do you pretend to be someone else, when all we want to do, is get you to admit to your minor stardom, and maybe take some humiliating camera phone pics of us and you?

    This past weekend, we had ourselves a little bit of a bachelor party. To start off the evening, we took in the best AAA Baseball this side of Toledo, as the Columbus Clippers took on some other team. I didn’t care, it was a night out, with beer, and Baseball should you choose to watch it. Sometime between the time we got inside, and when they stopped selling beer, a friend of mine pointed out what could only be former Major League 2nd baseman, Delino Deshields. Like most washed up major league players, he was in the cheap seats, and with a trashy looking white chick. So after a short debate, and some high quality internet camera research, we approached Mr. Deshields, and confronted him about his identity. He of course denied his status as a former lead off hitter for the Expo’s, but we knew better, and so we pressed on. Wave after wave of drunk white guys approached Delino, and yet he held strong, denying to the end, his status as a former baseball decent.
    So there we were, the chance to make a guy feel awesome, take some photos, then make jokes about him, and he pushed us away. Sure, there was the outside chance he was just some black dude taking in a Clippers game from the cheap seats, but come on, it’s baseball, and it had to be him.
    In a perfect world, he would have broke, had a few beers with us, told us all stories about him and Andre Dawson living it up in Montreal, or whether or not Andres Galaraga liked the hookers. Instead, we went our seperate ways.
    The real question looms. Why wouldn’t a guy like Delino Deshields want to be bothered by us? What does he have going on that is so important? These are troubling times my friends, when random drunk people can’t even bother former baseball semi-stars on a night out. Troubeling times indeed.

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    3 Responses to “Where have you gone Delino Deshields?”

    1. CentiPede Rose & Harry Canary said

      June 2, 2009 at 10:33 am ewe knew that dude looked familiar… we saw him in left field while we were trying to catch chickens in buckets….

    2. leonides said

      August 20, 2009 at 6:37 pm eCould not have been DS. He was in spring training with the reds as a coach in Florida at the time and is currently assigned to Rookie league ball in the Pioneer league as hitting instructor. The guy held his ground because he was NOT in fact your man.

    3. ctgobucks said

      August 20, 2009 at 8:41 pm eYour logic could NOT be any more retarded. In case you dont know what those little numbers under the title are, they indicate the date this piece was written. June 1 2009, means Spring Training, has been over for almost exactly 2 months. So there goes your logic on that puppy. Your guote “He was in spring training with the reds as a coach in Florida at the time and is currently assigned to Rookie league ball in the Pioneer league as hitting instructor.” also wreaks of retardation. You have him in two places at the same time, Spring training in Florida, and the Pioneer league which in the Reds case, is Billings Montana. As of the date this went down, The Billings mustangs, and all the other Rookie league teams were still a whole month away from starting there season, due to the simple little fact that there were no Rookies yet, as the draft was still a few weeks away. You see, you can’t have rookies, let alone an entire league of them, until you draft them. This same logic is also gonna screw Tim Tebow out of the 2009 NFL rookie of the year award. I may not be able to prove Delino was My guy, but I can sure as hell prove you are a dipshit. Thanks for stopping by

    Hard Knocks: Episode II

    August 20, 2009

    Whoohoo! I’d like to take a moment, and thank Mr. Brett Favre or pussyfavrte, as he likes to be called, for making me some cash. Recently, I made a wager, on the total wins by this years Bengals squad. Included in the bet, was a Carson Palmer clause. The bet was, that if Palmer started in 13 games or more, the Bengals would win at least 8 games. I was certain we had 7 locked up with a healthy Palmer, but we needed a little help for win numero ocho. That blessing came Tuesday, when the Vikings sold there soul, and any chance to win it all, by signing Favre (or pussyfavrte, as he likes to be called). You see, I had figured in one game they would win by surprise, and two games they lost that should have been wins. I was still stuck at 7, with a toss up to end the year, and some serious cash on the line. Lucky for me, the vikings gave us that 8th win. You see, after squeaking out win #7 against the Lions, the Bengals would be playing against a playoff bound Vikings squad, withan unremarkable, yet functional QB. They were gonna just pound the ball withAdrian Peterson, and sack Carson over, and over with that Defense. Now, they have the worst end of the season QB of the last 5 seasons. It’s certain the Bengals will get at least 3 picks from him in week 14. Check out the stats, his Interceptions to TD ration in the last 5 games is like 3 to 1. The last 5 games of the season, he is the worst QB in the league. By a decent margin. The confidence from beating a team like that, could maybe, just maybe push this team to wins 9, and 10, against KC, and the Dirty Sanchez led Jets.
    I smell a Wildcard!

    This week HBO didn’t show us much. The Preseason game looked vastly different from their point of view. The game I saw, showed the Bengals first teamers completely dominating the Saints. Two ad plays aside, that the team made up for, it wasn’t even close. HBO however, seemed to only show the negative plays, which there were plenty. Either way, it was only preseason, but the Bengals defense at least, is easilygonna be a top 10 D. No doubt on that one. The disturbing part, which may have come to light too late to make this weeks episode, is once again withAndre Smith, or better yet, the Bengals hapless approach to signing him. On the day the episode aired, it was revealed that the Bengals version of “so much money” is 4.5 million less than what the 6th overall pick received last season. Not a QB who was destined to start right away, but Vernon Gholston, who never even played, and yet the Bengals based the offer to their franchise tackle by even less than what he made. Normally, a team will take what that pick signed for a year ago, and adjust for nominal increases, and get him signed. Normally. Instead, the Bengals apparently are adjusting for inflation by a rate of negative 10%. Does this mean beer will be 70 cents cheaper at PBS? The NFL needs to step in, and save the stupid teams like the Bengals from themselves. The NBA has slotting, and every pick has a small decrease in amount from the one over them, and everyone gets signed pretty quickly. Please Roger Gooddell, save Mike brown and his incompetent seed from ruining yet another year of my life. I’ve tried switching teams, I really have, but I can’t do it. I’mjust a fan, and I’m stuck with the Bengals. Fans of new England, Indy, and Pittsburgh never have this problem, yet year after year the Bengals, the Browns, and the Raiders go through this. Anyone see a connection?
    I hope next weeks episode ignores this whole debacle, so I can live one whole week in the blind bliss of Bengaldom, and think all is going to be perfect.

    I’m getting pretty used to this whole “waisting time at the Cell phone store thing”. I may just keep going back. Walking in, trying to put my name in the expensive looking digital check-in console thing, that is always broke. Giving my name to the Indian guy with the really crappy clipboard. Trying to decide if I should sit next to the fat guy who is visualizing his next attack in World of Warcraft, or the high school girls, dressed like whores. Looking around at the crowds of idiot’s, fighting the urge to go on a rampage, and enjoying the fact that all the Plasma TV’s have nothing but Verizon ads, all the time. Constantly checking up at the digital screen to see where in line my name falls. Crying because I’ve been 11th in line for 20 minutes. Doing the math, and trying to figure out if I will be there long enough to pay for this with my Social Security Check. Getting really excited to see I have jumped all the way to 5th in line, only to start crying again, 40 minutes later, when I get bumped back to sixth. After a while, you start trying to guess which ones are the people who’s names are ahead of your’s, and whether or not you can assasinate them without losing your spot in line. It’s all a lot of fun.
    I like that no matter when you get there, it’s always packed. I love how there is always the same two guys, who for an entire hour, never help a single person, but just type away at their keyboard. I like how excited you get, when you see somebody pay, only to be that much more let down, when the person who was helping her goes on break. I like how there are only 4 types of people in the store, who are not employee’s, at any given time.
    1. Fat retards, who can’t figure out how to use a Blackberry, and thus don’t need one.
    2. High School Chicks with their Dad’s credit card, who can’t bare to go back to school with anything less than the hottest phone at any given moment. These chicks need to have at least 3 friends with them for this transaction, so they can go home jealous, and become…
    3. The High School chick who is there with her mom, and is crying because the perfectly usefull $89.00 phone her mom wants to get her, is nowhere near as awesome as her friends. There’s no way that any of the cool boy’s like Skylar, or Ethan, or Caleb, or any of the other fags who make up today’s high school male’s will ask her out with that crappy phone. OMG!
    4. The normal person. If you are reading this, you will be one of the two people in the store who make up this demographic. Congrats on that by the way! At some point, you and the other normal guy, will catch eyes, and just nod at eachother. You have not made a friend though, no, he is also wondering if your name is ahead of his, and plotting to kill you. You have to strike first.

    If you can survive all this, you just may get your new phone. With any luck, it will be at least 4 months before your phone, or it’s charger, or any of the other cheapilly made accessories breaks, and you have to go back in. At which time, the whole process starts over again, and you are truly screwed.

    Since the new theme of my life is “Waisting time in public places, surrounded by people I would like to hit with a baseball bat”, I decided I would go and hang out at the Cellular phone store, for an hour or so. Though this may be my new theme, I had no choice, as my phone’s screen is always blank.
    I can still make, and receive calls, I just can’t use any of the other functions on my phone, which totally blow’s. It kind of got me thinking about how we’ve become too dependant on technology, myself included. I pretty much don’t know anyones phone number. Here’s a breakdown of the people I could call if I was by myself, and being attacked by a bear (911 not included)
    1. My wife
    2.My Parents home phone, which is somehow now my Dad’s cell phone
    3. My Grandparents (home phone only)
    4. My Childhood neighbors (home phone only)
    5. 1 Lima friend (home phone only)
    6. My friend in Cincinnati, and maybe his parents, as they have an easy number to remember.
    7. The slutty chick from High School, whose Parents number included the Jersey number’s of Jerry Rice, and Barry Sander’s (not sure on which order they were in, but I could figure it out, plus she still live’s with her parents from what I’ve heard).
    8. My first boss (cell phone only)
    9. One other friend from Lima (cell phone only)
    10. Limaland time and temperature (224-TIME)
    11. Fat Jacks Pizza
    12. The last person to have called my cell phone

    That’s pretty much it. Those are officially the only numbers I still have memorized, for whatever reason. It’s sad really, but hey, there’s at least 4 people there who could bail me out of jail, 1 slutty chick, and 1 pizza place. it could be a lot worse.
    Not being able to see who’s calling is the worst part. Caller I.D. is a beautiful thing. I’ve had tho resort to the primitive method of just answering my phone, and talking to whomever calls me, no matter how much I hate them. I’m getting by though. I’ve started guessing who is calling me, and answering by saying “Whats up ____!” It’s really awesome when you guess right. Not so much when you guess wrong, especially when it turns out to be someone you don’t want to talk to.
    Not being able to see any numbers in my phonebook is pretty awesome as well. I can still use this feature, i just can’t see it. I have to try and remember if the person I want to call is the first person with the Letter D in my phonebook, or as I found out, second, because I programmed someones initials in, and they took the top spot.
    The end however is in sight. I almost got a new phone, but came up just short. I was reay to blog about my awesome adventures mingling with the general public, waiting in line, and getting a phone only to find out our secretary has outright power in the eyes of Verizon Wireless, and must approve all transactions. I was sooo happy when the retarded girl at the counter asked if I knew her number. After all, it was in my phonebook, right next to the other 100 or so invisible numbers. So I’m sure tomorrow, after another day of basically no cell phone, I’ll be able to finish this whole mess, and get my life back on track.
    Through all this, I have learned two things.
    1. I can’t go out in public, and just have normal interactions. Something either hillarious, or retarded has to happen. My wife could send me down the road to get milk, from the store a few hundred yards away, and destiny would step in and make sure it all goes wrong. This kind of blows, but is also kind of hillarious as well.
    2. If you put me in woods, with no cell phone, I would either turn into the ‘Man vs. Wild’ guy, or die after 4 minutes.

    Pink Eye: Round 2

    August 17, 2009

    Our household fell victim once again, to Pink Eye. We have survived, but we’ve been scarred. Of course, some little bastard at my sons daycare started all this, so there is someone to blame, and that’s all that matters.
    This round began friday night, as my son started showing the symptoms. Word had spread around that someone at his daycare had it, so when we saw a little puffi-ness in his eye, it was pretty easy to figure out. The problem is, Pink Eye, is really easy to spot, especially when you are looking for it. This may seem like it makes things easier. It does not.
    For whatever reason, my son only get the pink eye on the weekend. He had it a little bit friday night, and was nice enough to give it to me. This meant that saturday when we woke up, both of our doctors offices were closed. Our only option was to go to “urgent care”. It’s like a mix between a Doctors office, and an emergency room, except you really don’t want to go there with an emergency. Think of it as like your doctors office, just bigger, less friendly, more waiting, and with a much larger co-pay. Oh yeah, and with way more retards.
    Since my wife had to meet some people out of town, I took the D-man in myself, and prepared for the worse. As we walked from the parking lot, A mini-van was coming at us, at Dukes of Hazard speed. It swerved around us, and screeched to a hault across two parking lots. This was going to be good I thought. I was expecting the lady to get out carrying a decapitated child or something major. Instead some teen age girl got out walking slowly, as her mother was in a state of panic. I wondered of this lady knew this wasn’t the emegrency room. She blew past us, and didn’t even consider holding the door for the guy carrying a baby and a diaper bag. Bitch. I gave my name to the idiot at the counter, and took my place in waiting room number 1. The first of several. Our name was called, and we went to the counter to give our info, right next to the panicing mother. This was when it got good.
    She was chewing the lady at the desk out, because she needed immediate attention. You see, her teenage daughter had been outside at cheerleading practice, for almost two, and a half hours, and they never offered her something to drink. “She’s dehydrated!” she yeeled. “She needs to see someone, NOW!” The lady at the desk glanced at me as I laughed, the mother shot me the look of death. I clamy told the lady about my sons pinkeye, and just wanted a prescrp. for some eye drops. We didn’t need to even see a doctor. The crazy lady kept going on, and on, about how those evil bastards at cheerleading, never offered her daughter anything to drink (she had forgot her water), and was about to die. Never mind the fact that, there was a drinking fountain like 12 feet away, and it was free. She went on and on, about her daughters dire state. After all, it was almost 80 that morning, and nobody’s ever been outside, for two hours in the summer, let alone cheering practice. She was clearly going to die right in front of us.
    We got called to waiting room number two, just moments after crazy lady, and heatstroke girl. You see, I hate people, of all sorts, colors, shapes, and sizes. Out of about every 20 folks I run into on a daily basis, I find that about 4 aren’t completely useless, and of those four, maybe one is hot. This lady was clearly special. Obviously, she has seen a Dateline special about some retard who died of heatstroke, and now she feared her daughter was next. People like this, are what is wrong with America. This crazy bitch, who forgot to send her daughter to cheering practice with a water bottle, instead of stopping at one of the 9000 or so gas stations around the area, and buying her a gatorade, decided to throw a royal shit-fit. I’m sure the poor cheering coach, and the parents of the girls who didn’t share their waters with her daughter were going to feel her wrath. Now though, it was the kind folks at the Nationwide Childrens Close toHome urgent care center who would suffer. And me also.
    Since I was nice, friendly, and the only daddy in the whole place, the nice women called my name first. I gave a big smile to the crazy bitch, awith the embarrassed daughter, and went to see the doctor, for our $4.00 prescription eye drops. All was right with the world.
    After another couple long waits, we were on our way, prescription in hand. I overheard the nurses talking about the crazy women in the waiting room. She had been there almost an hour and a half, and nobody had called her name yet. God Bless America!
    I kinda wanted to wait around, to see what would become of the crazy lady. Would her daughter just evaporate? Would she go and get a gun? Would they finally call her name, and give her a prescription for Gatorade, and Prozac?
    We never did find out. I can only assume everyone survived, and this crazy bitch went back to her role, lowering the national I.Q.
    Maybe someday our path’s will cross again. Maybe not her exactly, but someone like her. One of the millions of retards who make up this fine country.
    Oh yeah, I didn’t actually have Pink-eye myself, I just had somethig in my eye, my son got his drops, and is back to tearing our house apart, and we are all well hydrated. Life is good.

    Hard Knocks: Episode 1

    August 13, 2009

    The long awaited debut of this seasons edition of HBO’s super hit show, Hard Knocks, has finally arrived. I gotta admit, I’ve watched this show for years, it’s interesting, and gets you in the mood for football. This season however, just makes me all warm and fuzzy. After all, it’s all about my Bengals, finally. Usually, you have to watch every last minute of a highlight show just to see anything about the Bengals, unless they are showing another teams Highlights, which always seem to be against the Bengals. No longer my friends. Our day in the sun has arrived. All offseason I’ve been pretty certain my Bengals would be a 6, maybe 7 win team. If Favre comes back and play with the Vike’s, which he very well may, they boost up to a 7, or 8 win team. Now, after seeing the premiere, I keep getting this feeling like “we may just be awesome”. I know it’s crazy, and it’s all emotions talking, but let me live my life, let me dream! I don’t even care about our shitty O-line, I’ve got Bengals fever, and there is no cure.
    So here’s what we’ve learned about the Bengals from the first episode.

    1. They have a shitload of guy with the same disease as Michael Jackson. Unless the Tight Ends coach just had cotton mouth the whole time, which could be the case, they have at least two people with that unfortunate disease, which in my world, is a shitload. I was really pulling fo the Fullback who had it on his face. I hope that dude can come back. I really do.

    2. When Jim Lippincott comes into your room really early in the morning, he’s not gonna ask you to go to IHOP with him. What a shitty job that is. As much as I have relished firing people in the past, none of them could bench press 225 pounds dozens of times. If I was in Bengals camp, with an outside shot at getting on the roster, I would barricade the shit out of my bedroom door, just to keep him out. If he’s gonna cut me, he’s gonna have to do it inside my mattress fort. I do like how he told that guy “It all comes down to talent”. It’s like shooting down someone and trying to go easy on them and say “It’s a general attractiveness thing, that’s all”. I feel bad for him also, that has to be the worst, especially on camera. He does need to learn to make things up, to make people feel better. Say stuff like “You’re waay too good for this team, you should play for New England” or, “Man do i feel stupid. I completely forgot, we don’t need a fullback, we’re gonna run the spread option this season. Wanna go to IHOP?” He did have a good point though, cutting him early gave him the best chance to make another team, and 5:38 in the morning is definitely early. Kinda makes waking up next to a fat chick seem pretty good.

    3. Chad Ochocinco, is about to have a breakout season. Maybe not stats wise, as we have no offensive line, but maybe as far as crazy shennanigans goes. That dude has a whole lot of stupid bottled up inside of him, just waiting to get out. I gotta think after getting the less than expected ammount of air time in episode one, he’s gonna kick it up a notch, and do something really stupid. I can’t wait. I’m so hoping dead hooker.

    4. I kinda don’t want Andre Smith on our team anymore. Not because the whole “hold-out” thing, every Bengals first rounder does that, but because of the man-boobs. If anyone is gonna be the first dude to step up, and wear a sports-bra, it’s gotta be Andre. On the other hand, the due who replaced him sucked really bad, so maybe some milkshakin’ aint so bad.

    5. There needs to be a microphone inside Marvin Lewis’ brain. When all the tight ends got hurt, and Mike Browns solution was to move that guy from defense to tight end, I would have killed to hear what Marvin was thinking. He had this look on his face that said both “God Damn-it” and “Daniel Snyder doesn’t look so bad right about now”.

    6. Mike Browns daughter just may be retarded. “we offer these guys so much money, and they just ask for more”. I hope Andre’s agent slides her a little piece of folded up paper at the next meeting, and when she opens it, it’s a drawing of a fist, middle finger extended. Again, since the Bengals NEVER sign their first rd. pick on time, no matter how much they need him, and she’s always the one leading the negotiations, someone needs to punch her in the boob. Sure, Al Davis’ crazy contract offer to his pick screwed up the slotting, but this goes on ever single year. Enough already. I think this job should go to Chad Ochocinco when he retires. At least that will be entertaining, and the guy will get signed on time.

    7. Mauluga is even more awesome than I expected. We saw little of him on the field, but in due time. The real highlight, was calling out the new guy, as soon as he walked in. Randy Jackson. The only thing better would have been if he got him to autograph his samurai sword.

    8. Carson dips, and his brother gets way too much air time. I realize Jordan Palmer has nothing to do, and is completely non-essential, and has all the free time in the world to do interviews, but come on. What about Chris Henry? The more special we make him feel, the sooner he can do something else really stupid, and HBO camera men, make you feel special. No interviews with him, or a combo of him and Tank, was flat out bush-league. Come on HBO, you’re better than that.

    Back to the Stone Age

    August 12, 2009

    Tonight, we dodged a major bullet. As dinner was being prepared, we lost electricity. Lucky for us, Dinner was grillable. Outside of that, losing power pretty much blew. The extreme heat, and it’s sidekick humidity, made it all that much more fun.
    After dinner, is when it all started going south. I took about 14 minutes of living like the amish to make me lose my mind. It’s not that I can’t live off the grid, just that I choose not to. Having no electricity sucks, especially when you were planning on having some of it. Yes, we all have been camping and those things, but we chose to do those things. When you plan on having all the food in your house not spoil, that’s a different story. For a good portion of my life, I had no cable, no Air Conditioning, blah, blah, blah, and I have grown to like those things. It’s not that I couldn’t survive in the wildrness, in fact, I’d do just fine. The difference here is, I was planning on having power tonight. You see, tonight, is the first episode of HBO’s Hard Knocks. I was going to order HBO, drink a cold beer that had been chilled by good ole fashioned electricity, and eat food cooked with it as well. I was going to turn the sound waaay up, and sit in my climate controlled basement, and enjoy. All that got tossed away, because some butthole can’t drive, and hit a pole. Shortly after the power went out, we heard the sirens. I was unable to get to the scene in time to take vengance, the rescue squad got there first. The person who took away my Bengals t.v. show, would live to see another day, and take away someone else’s electricity.
    So there we sat, like a bunch of cavemen. No music to illegally download, no pirated DVD’s to watch, nothing. I thought I was going to die.
    Moments before our family ventured into the savage outdoors to go on a stroll, hope was restored. The good men and women at the power company had came through. Life is beautiful again!
    We still had to take that walk though. It was actually kind of nice. Of course the whole time I was dreaming about going home and ordering HBO.
    You see, ever since they started doing the HBO on demand, I’ve figured out a way to beat the system. A couple of times a year, I’ll buy HBO for a month or so. Watch all the series episodes I missed, and every movie they have aired over the past half year, and a few ones I missed from before. After a few weeks, you’ve seen everything like 7 times, and then we cancel. It’s a glorious cycle. This time, it’s all that much sweeter. Here I sit, like a kid on Christmas eve, waiting for the greatest show of alltime to air. Hard Knocks, featuring the Bengals. Let the games begin!