Free Bob Griese!

October 27, 2009

Let me first say, I think Bob Griese is a giant turd. He used to be a great analyst, but now he’s just a bitter, senile old man. He was once the best in the business, now he’s only tolerable for the occasional time he says something just dumb enough to be hilarious.
That being said, he deserves better than this. By now, most of you know about him getting suspended for comments he made about NASCAR driver Juan Pablo Montoya, When his broadcast partner Chris Spielman asked about the NASCAR points standings, “where’s Juan Pablo Montoya?” Griese responded “probably out eating a taco”.
This for some reason has seemed to enrage the masses of the stupid. Griese apologized TWICE, later that evening. Both of which, were freaking hilarious. I only wish I had recorded it, as it would be my new ringtone.
The apology, though not in any way necessary, should have been more than enough.
Saying a guy with a hispanic name was eating a taco, is in no way offensive. It’s another sad display of how retarded our nation has become.
First off, can anyone prove he wasn’t in fact eating a taco? Did anyone think to ask Juan Pablo if he cared, or if he was in fact eating a taco at about 2:20 saturday afternoon? Some execs at ESPN/ABC would feel pretty stupid if he was eating a taco. Plus, he’s Colombian, which means he may not even like taco’s but from what knowledge of Columbians I’ve gained from the movie ‘Scarface’, and the book ‘Killing Pablo’, chances are whatever he was actually doing, was way worse than eating Taco’s, and maybe he could use the taco’s as an aliby. Plus, if all the retards who over react to anyone who isn’t a peace loving doucher like themself didn’t make a big deal about this, Montoya would have never know about any of this. People need to be a little more tolerant, of those who aren’t as tolerant as they are. It’s not the end of the world to joke about a hispanic eating a taco. Would it be as big of a deal if Spielman had asked about the whereabouts of a person with an irish name, and Griese responded, “at a bar”? He calls it like he sees it, and that’s a trait that’s getting hard to find these days. Lots of Irish people like to drink, and lots of Hispanics like taco’s, as well as people who aren’t either heritage. It’s not hurtful, it’s funny. Lighten up America.
Perhaps the biggest tragedy, is that Griese won’t be in the booth to say something really stupid this week. His crew has had some pretty crappy games this season, and his moronic comments have made them at least semi-watchable.
It’s gonna be a long week without Bob.

Wait for it…

October 26, 2009

I’ve ventured into the world of the unknown.
My Bengals, just kicked the crap out of another team, in every aspect of the game. It wasn’t even close. For the first time in my life (at least the part I remember) the Bengals were the big brother, who got to take out the frustration against the little, smaller, slower, and maybe even a little retarded brother. It was unreal.
As I sat watching, a strange feeling came over me. This was not how it’s supposed to go down. I kept waiting for the other show to drop, when in reality, the first shoe hadn’t even dropped yet. it was uncharted waters.
In every way possible, the Bengals dominated the Bears. They scored every drive of the first half, and the first drive out of halftime. They only had one incompletion at halftime.
Right out of the gate, they marched down the field. On defense, the Bears could do nothing. Every time a big play came up, the Bengals came out on top. It was like they were playing the scout team.
I had never seen anything like it before, in all my days. I’ve seen the Bengals put on a good show before, but it always came crashing down in the end, and even those good shows, paled in comparison to what I saw on Sunday.
it wasn’t wrong before I realized, all us Bengals fans were going to pay for this. Something really bad was going to happen. Somebody was going to get hurt, or worse. I tried to warn the team. It was to no avail.
By the time it was 38-3, I was beside myself. I figured the only way we could make this one up to Karma, was to forfeit the game, and apologize for the success.
I could remember one game a few years back where at halftime they had been mopping the floor with the Chargers. luckily, the Chargers came back and won it after one of the best come from behind performances in NFL history. We were save from fates wrath on that one. Balance was restored to the force so to speak.
Now, I have to wonder. If Karma didn’t even things out with the Bengals by now, maybe it’s going to take it out on me. It’s just not supposed to go down this way.
I’ll be blogging from a hidden location from here on out, waiting for the universe to get even with me. If nobody has heard from me by Wednesday, send more beer.

House for Sale

October 22, 2009

Well, the sign is in the yard, my house is on various websites (none of which have the words sex offender, or database in the title), our house is for sale.
There were a number of factors leading to this, but I have to say Time Warner Cable did this.
They have officially torn my family apart.
Okay, not really, but Time Warner totally blows, and yes, the house is really for sale. I am that much closer to living in a place where only satellite television can reach my, and I like it!
It’s a pretty cool house, if anyone wants to buy it. I would appreciate it. In this economy, you really can’t afford not to buy my house.
I have noticed people slowing down, and stopping in front of my house, turning around, and doing the same. Fortunately, I have managed to run most of them off, so we’re good there.
Along with random people scrutinizing the way you live, trying to sell your house blows for a number of reasons. Obviously, you have ot be somewhat clean, in case anyone wants to check out the crib. Besides that, there is the whole “neighbors looking at you funny” thing. They look at you like you are a sell-out, and I actually like this also. Some of their pets crap in my yard, and I hope a registered sex offender buys my house to get back at them.
I’m ready to move. Someone please buy my house. I’ll be your best friend.

Chris goes to Urgent Care!

October 21, 2009

I had a pretty good streak of not hurting myself going. It came to an end today after I cut a good section of my thumb nearly off. I was actually just down the road from a Hospital, but since I could only imagine the people I would see in there, I decided to head to a nice little Urgent Care by our house.
It’s kind of tucked away off a busy street, so the hope was that it wouldn’t be too busy. Obviously, it had to be busy.
I had forgotten about the panic we are dealing with known as the Swine Flu. I heard the words H1N1 used no less than 10 times while filling out my form, with my thumb wrapped up in bandages, and Wendy’s napkins. I should have known going there was a poor choice, when the chick at the desk looked like she was going to throw up when she saw my thumb. It actually wasn’t that bad at that point, but I had driven all that way, filled out those forms, I couldn’t turn back now.
It wasn’t the old ladies, and weird parents concerned about Swine Flu that bothered me. What really had me thinking, was just how confused the general public seems to be about what an Urgent Care facility.

To me, Urgent care is a place you go to if your Doctors office is closed, or you have a medical emergency that isn’t severe enough for an Emergency room, such as three stitches in a thumb.
This is not the way the rest of the world saw it on this day.

Urgent care, is not the place you go to, to get a flu shot, that you can get at any regular Doctors office, grocery store, or pharmacy. The words Urgent should be a pretty solid giveaway there. Unfortunately, this was not the way several old ladies in the greater Polaris area saw things.

Urgent care, is not the place you go to, if you actually look, and feel like you have the Swine Flu. If you were one of the 4 patients in there today who fit into that category, you shot way off target on that one. You are looking for a hospital, instead, you coughed on me.

Urgent care is not the place to bring your 4 year old son who’s left arm looks like Joe Theisman’s leg. I felt awful for this kid, who was being a trooper about this. his parents however, couldn’t come to grips with why they were waiting so long. Maybe because you brought your child who has obviously a broken arm at the very least, to a place with no ability to treat him fully. My name came up first, and I asked if they would let him go ahead of me. This made the nurses super happy, and very nice to me when I got to come in. Of course, mommy, and daddy didn’t so much as say thank you to me as they walked past. What did I care? I wasn’t bleeding that bad at this point, plus the more blood I lost, the funner it would be to shotgun a beer when I got home. I could use the Karma anyway. But the point is, the Urgent care people looked at the kid, did what they could, and then sent him to…you guessed it, the emergency room!

If you are a mother on the verge of panic, running into the office carrying you un-moving child, while holding a bath towel to his forehead to stop what looked like a lot of bleeding, you also missed the point of this facility. I was on my way out at this point, and hope the kid was o.k. but it didn’t look so good for him. Without knowing what was wrong, I got a feeling he too would be forwarded to an emergency room.

Here’s a general rule of thumb.
If you are, or may be dying, or are suffering from something that will require at the least three trips to a medical professional, the hospital is for you.

If your problems can be fixed with a pill, or a shot, or you just have nothing better to do, go see YOUR doctor, unless his/her office is closed. At noon on a Wednesday, I gotta figure the majority of Doctors offices are not only open, but seeing patients.

If you have what can be considered a minor emergency, that will require no follow up trips, such as 3 stitches in the thumb, or some type of venereal disease, and you have health insurance, the urgent care facility is for you.

In the end, I did get a whole pack of really little condoms to wear over my thumb if I am doing anything where it may get wet/dirty, so I gotta say I came out a winner on this one.

Enough is enough

October 20, 2009

The camel’s back has finally been broken.
The other day, I turned on my television to check the radar, and see if any groundbreaking news had occurred over night, in the world of sports. Dead smack in the middle of my screen was a big blue box that said my system needed updated, as my cable box was old, and it would automatically update once the box was reset. It said this on my old box, and also on my new box.
There was no watching television until this blue box was removed, and that wouldn’t happen until I reset my box. This meant turning off the power to it, for at least 10 seconds, turning around in a circle, and snapping my fingers three times.
I unplugged it, waited the ten seconds, plugged it back in, and then it stalled out. It was dead in the water. I guess I really did need to do the spinning and finger snapping after all. Finally after I came home from work, I did it all as required by Time Warner cable, and after about 39 hours I had television again.
The next day, there was a bulletin across the bottom of the screen, on every channel that they would be changing the channel numbers. Instead of having them the way they have for decades, they are going to group them all by category. I cannot stand for this.
Yes, this system works for bookstores, and Adult video stores, but as far as I can tell, that’s because it’s always been like that. It’s not like there used to be cookbooks, maps, and biographies about Gandhi all on the same shelf, until one day some guy decided there was a better way. Imagine if the Hustler superstore just all the sudden put the dildo’s on a different shelf.
I do not like change, and will not stand for it. It took me 20 minutes to find ESPN in HD when I got home from work. I had to scroll through every channel category you could think of, all of which I will never watch, before I could find the 7 channels I actually do watch, and they all have crazy 4-digit channel numbers that I will never be able to memorize. I want channel 31 to be ESPN, and 785 to be ESPN HD again!
Apparently there is about 73 kids themed channels, which so help me god, I will never watch. All of the crappy channels, seem to be flanking the good channels, meaning unless I can go through the trash, and dig out the channel guide they mailed me with my bill, I either have to memorize all my channels over again, or just scroll for 20 minutes at a time.
You see, my asshole dog tried to eat my remote when he was a puppy, so it doesn’t exactly perform the way it was intended to. It works O.K. for hitting a few buttons and that being that, but trying to scroll through 1,000 channels of crap with a remote that has tape holding the batteries in, is not something any tax paying American should have to do.
I’ve decided I have only a few options, most of which, I can’t deal with.
I could try to con a cable guy into coming to my house, and bribing him, or paying him for a new remote, but that would mean having to wait for the entire length of the 4 hour window they tell me they will be showing up in.
Not an option.
I could adapt, and learn to love the system, or write down the channel numbers I use, and carry it around in my wallet. This of course is never going to happen, because I am not organized, motivated enough, and have horrible penmanship, and would never be able to read what I wrote any way. Plus, this still does nothing for changing the channels in the dark in bed. I used to have them memorized, now I’m screwed.
The only option I have is to move. Out into the country, and get Direct TV.
I’ve had enough! We can’t get the NFL Network, and it took 2 years to get the Big Ten Network, but we can sure as hell shift all the channels around, and oh by the way have 27 Womens themed channels, 212 Do-it-yourself themed channels, and 1439 music choice channels, all that play the shittiest songs in the world.
Just when I thought this may be something I can live through, I tried to watch some sporting events I was really looking forward to. The Blue Jackets were taking on a tough Calgary team, and of course the ALCS game 4 were both on at the same time. Got the kid to bed, cleaned up the house, and was sitting down to do some paperwork, hoping to flip back between games.
Where the hell are they? Well, since all the sports channels are somewhere I can never find, I had to scroll for several minutes before I found the FSN OH HD Channels, neither of which had the Jackets, so I kept looking. About the end of the first period I found the regular broadcast FSN OH Channel, it’s now channel 309. So about the first commercial break, I decided to go on the hunt for the Baseball game, so I could flip back and forth. I remembered the sports channels were around channel 600 or something like that. I found the sports channels. No F-ing baseball game, except one of the several MLB network channels, all of which were showing the 1983 World Series Highlights. Since the game was on FOX, I had to go on a hunt for wherever the hell they put the HD Network Channels. Hopefully, I can find it before the Reds get good enough to be in the Postseason.
Finally I found it, about the middle of the fifth, located ever so conveniently on channel 1008.
Time to Move. Somewhere far away from here, where Time Warner Cable can’t ruin my life. This is definitely the last straw.

Defending Terrelle Pryor

October 20, 2009

Oh how quickly a lynch mob can form.
Remember back when we just landed the #1 recruit, and life was beautiful? Remember what it felt like to dream of getting a guy who was gonna tie three time Heisman winner Ron Powlus for the title as greatest player ever? Remember taking your shoes off so you had enough digits to count the consecutive National Titles that would be won? Well, apparently those days are gone forever, and Terrelle Pryor is the worst football player of all time. After all, he’s had two bad games in a row.
A quick message to the rest of Buckeye nation who are all standing at the edge of the cliff, and to all the T.P. haters out there. Calm Down. Wait a minute.
Is anyone watching the game, or are they just watching the high/low-lights? Are you seeing the plays as they happen, or are you saving your energy to jump up and yell touchdown after every single offensive play?
Don’t get me wrong, Terrelle stunk it up pretty bad against Purdue, and has been inconsistent at best all season. But ask yourself this, when was the last time Purdue didn’t give the Buckeyes all they could handle? When was the last time OSU just dominated Purdue? OSU was a heavy favorite on the road, but the over/under was still just 40 points and that was for a reason.
O.K. a lot of reason’s, and most had little to do with who was taking the snaps for OSU.
Terrelle Pryor, has been given about as many chances to succeed as the Mexican National Hockey team. He’s being asked to run a system that is a mix of “not sure what we’re gonna do” and “hey where’d Chris Wells go?”
Right now both Pryor, and his coaching staff aren’t really sure how they want to go about things, and he’s the one getting blamed for it. Is he gonna be a runner? Should we play out of a shotgun? Should we try and do what worked somehow with Troy Smith, and make him a spread passing QB?
With the exception of the USC game, the offense OSU was running with Pryor was working just fine. He had flashes of brilliance, and some costly, bone headed mistakes. Then defenses picked up on what was happening, and the OSU staff went to a shotgun offense. Afterall, whats the point of running a power I with no power running backs, and a running QB? The OSU shotgun offense was picking defenses apart. Even with Pryor’s mistakes, they were blowing teams out.
Then Wisconsin came to town. They realized that when he ran, he liked to run outside. A little discipline, and maintaining the outside edge, and the running lanes, cancelled out all the athleticism in the world. Pryor was contained so to speak. Mix that with the fact that OSU’s offensive line is fucking atrocious, and things got really bad, really fast.
I know Terrelle Pryor had a case of fumble-itus, but there was a reason he was fumbling the ball. Large, fast men with Division 1 football scholarships were running full speed into him. I know he needs to hang on to the ball, but the best case scenario on most of those plays was a sack. Joe Montana would have had about as much chance to succeed as I would with that line.
The coaching staff, and their offensive mentality isn’t giving him much of a chance. True, he’s not taking advantage of the chances they give him, but those are few and far between anyway. When the protection is there, or they luck into a formation, or a playcall that utilizes his talents, he comes through just fine.
OSU doesn’t have a big time running back, who can take the heat off him. The backs they do have, are used the wrong way anyway, and the better back so far, has spent most of the year as a backup, to a smaller, slower back, who has been posing as a power runner.
The receivers are young, and have little to no experience, and between them, and their QB, there is no “hot route” for a blitz. When OSU comes to the line, you can see exactly where the blitz is coming from, but the receivers to that side of the field don’t change their route to be ready for a quick pass. It’s just business as usual, hoping the defender forgets to sack the QB, or Terrell runs around him, as he often does.
When the opposition doesn’t blitz, Pryor is still running for his life. Five OSU lineman rarely stop the defense’s four rushing lineman. When Pryor does have time to set his feet and pass, it usually works out pretty well.
When OSU emptied the backfield, and spread the defense out, and put Pryor back in a shotgun, he was dead on with his passes. They march right down the field. He can see well ahead of time where the rush will come from since there is just the one extra player in the box to go along with the four un-touched defensive lineman. Then, when they get into the redzone, they go back to trying the same ole same ole and come up short.
When they put him in a chance to succeed, his talent shines through. unfortunately, these instances are rare, and so are the results we’ve all expected from the highly hyped young QB.
So far, the OSU offensive philosophy has been set in their ways. What they want to run, doesn’t work. What does work, isn’t what they want to run. Instead of playing to the strengths of the players on the field, they try blindly to change that players strengths. (See the final years of Llllloyd Carr in Michigan)
OSU could put together a gimmick type offense, or run the spread option that would highlight his talents, or even empty the backfield and go 5 wide. All of these would allow Pryor to flourish, and at the very least give him back the confidence he came in with. Until a change in the philosophy is made, or until Terrelle transforms (Transformers DVD comes out this week!) into Peyton manning, OSU is gonna have the same offensive results.
Perhaps the best way to fix everything, is to change the type of offensive lineman the Buckeyes recruit. Since Coopers players have all cycled through, how many OSU lineman have been drafted? Thats right, none, because they can’t move. I realize every lineman on OSU’s roster got 5 stars from rivals.com, or Todd McShay, but if you are 6’7″ and weigh 350 pounds, you are gonna be an incredible high school lineman. The problem is, college defensive players, are also good, and can move. OSU’s lineman unfortunately, cannot. If it weren’t for Dick-Rod pissing off the Boren family, OSU would have ZERO good lineman.
Yes, Pryor has been bad. He has also shown a hell of a lot of good things when he is given a chance to succeed, and some even more impressive things when he has almost no chance to succeed. Despite what a lot of people want to say about him, he can be an excellent player. Some folks claim OSU should have put in the backup last weekend. I fail to see how putting in a less mobile QB, who takes no snaps with the first team offense is going to help things.
Right now, in this offensive system, Terrelle Pryor is in no-mans land. Until the staff figures out how to use him, and how to develop him into what they want to be, we’re gonna need a lot of punt return TD’s, and Ray Small is gonna get suspended again sooner or later.
Jim Tressell getting Terrelle Pryor, is like giving a kid who just got his license a brand new Ferrari. Everyone who watches it is gonna be in for a hell of a show. There will be some good moments, some insane displays of driving skills, but in the end, that Ferrari is gonna end up in a big burning heap in a ditch somewhere, and everyone is gonna be wondering what the hell happened.
Let’s hope the kid with the car keys grows up and learns how to drive his Ferrari, or hands the keys to someone else who knows how to drive it, and goes golfing with Llllloyd Carr. Otherwise the Ferrari known as Terrelle Pryor, will be trying out for receiver for the Raiders in 2 years.

Standing Strong

October 19, 2009

Well it didn’t take long for my sport’s team mojo to die out. Thankfully, I had the good sense to become a Yankee’s fan a few weeks back. Even though I kept forgetting I am a Yankee fan, and was rooting against them, they along with the Blue Jackets pretty much saved my weekend.
This could be looked at two ways. Both of my football teams got stomped, in games they should have won. However, the Bengals have won 3 games that I had counted on them losing, and only lost 2 I counted on them winning, so they are ahead of the pace I need for them to be to win 9 games. Besides, they are not a playoff team. They can get there, but they are not Indianapolis, or New England. Sure I am hoping they make it, but it would be like the proverbial dog who finally ran down the car…now what? With my Bengals, I just need 9 wins to make some cash. Losing half of their defensive front, and most of their pass rush will slow this pace, but we’re still ahead of the game. Thankfully, CBS in Columbus was nice enough to not air that game anyway, so I didn’t have to watch it.
As far as the Buckeyes go, yeah they tripped up big time, and really embarrassed themselves, but what did this really change? Like the Bengals, they had no shot at a title, they aren’t ready. Defensively, they are as good as anyone, maybe even better, but come on, we’re right back to the dog who finally runs down that car again as far as a championship game goes. As much as my Buckeye brethren will hate to admit it, the Purdue game meant nothing. There was no way OSU would/should get into the BCS title game. As far as the Rose Bowl/Big Ten Championship, it’s still right there. OSU was granted a free loss, and this was it. Win out, and most importantly beat Iowa, Penn State, and Michigan, which I still think they should, and everything comes up Roses. This loss, really doesn’t hurt.
We should have seen this coming however. Every year, it’s the same thing. For the bulk of the early schedule, OSU faces nobody, and can do what they want. Then, even in defeat Wisconsin gives a blueprint for beating the Buckeyes. Short, quick passes, and enough of a run to keep them honest, dinking, and dunking down the field, and eating up clock. Limit your mistakes, and you might actually beat OSU.
On defense, take away the outside, get penetration with your front 4, and add in some blitzes, and the game is yours for the taking. It’s been this story for the better part of 4 years now. Wisconsin shows the way, then somebody else reaps the benefits. See the BCS game against Florida, or Illinois two seasons ago. It’s pretty simple.
If you try to beat them downfield, you’re gonna regret it. If you give them time to pass, or room to run around the corner, it’s gonna be a long day for you. OSU has a very simple game plan that works 90 percent of the time.
This past saturday, was obviously in the 10 percent category.
So despite the fact that everything that could go wrong did, and despite the fact that the path to beating both of my football teams has been laid out for all the world to see, I’m still feeling good.
Besides, the Jackets are rolling, and my High School team just won an unprecedented third game.
Top of the world baby!

Ninja Please!

October 15, 2009

The past few days, I’ve seen several people wearing medical masks in public.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a sweet look, and I hope someday the Michael Jackson/Surgical style mask will replace neckties, but these people look retarded.
I’ve seen two different people wearing them in a grocery store, one at a gas station, and a handful who were driving their car. Is there something I’m missing here? Did we become China? I know they’ve been buying enough T-bills to have a seat in the senate but come on.
I can only assume, these people watch a lot of news, and are trying to avoid the dreaded swine flu.
Ah’ the swine flu, the harbinger of death du jour. I’m glad the nation is finally taking notice and going overboard with this whole thing. I can’t blame people for wearing the surgical masks in public, this is serious stuff after all.
I myself am especially worried. Most of my life I have spent barely surviving epidemics of some sort.
As a small child, it was kidnappers who were going to pluck me off the side of the road. Since I, like most small children spent a ton of time un-supervised next to roadways (actually I did, but I was throwing produce at cars from a secret hiding spot). Then there was the AIDS scare, which I barely managed to avoid, being that I had a shitload of sexual partners, and did tons of intravenous drugs back in elementary school. I dodged that bullet. I spent most of the 90’s in hiding since I was afraid of a SCUD missile attack, so I managed to avoid whatever epidemics, and crazy diseases were popular then. Thinking back, I do remember shitting myself worrying about Africanized bee’s, and Ebola. I still don’t trust monkeys, or anyone who offers me honey.
The problem is, now I am truly frightened. If anyones gonna get the swine flu it’s gotta be me. After all, I just now am back to full strength after my long bout with SARS. Plus, the money I would use to buy a Swine Flu shot, I already spent on the Bird Flu shot. We don’t even have Galactic, or Universal health-care yet. All I have is the lame “employer provided” insurance. That’s soooo 2 years ago.
I think this one is gonna be different though. I mean, people are wearing masks in public. We’re truly fucked now, right?
I get wearing a mask in a grocery store, sort of. I mean these are obviously the same people who raised a big enough stink to have the disinfectant wipes placed by the shopping cart corals. They may be the same folks who tried to make the “green” re-usable shopping bags en vogue. (Editors Note: I ask for extra plastic bags, and then throw them into rivers whenever I get a chance)
The fact that people are paranoid about going into public when there is an epidemic at hand, I can kind of buy. I get risk management, I really do. The thing I don’t understand, is why people need to wear the masks when they are driving? It seems to me, that if you are driving alone, you’re pretty safe right? I mean, one could always just roll down the window, and get some rare fresh air just to be safe. And, if you’re wearing a mask while you’re driving because you think and/or know you have a passenger with Swine Flu, why are you driving them around? Shouldn’t you make them march down the road wearing some type of brightly colored letter on their clothing to announce they have it? Or maybe just keep them either in some type of sealed bubble, or I guess just the trunk.
There can only be a handful of possibilities for why somebody would be wearing a surgical mask while they drive.
First, they are smuggling a car-full of Illegal Immigrant Mexican pig farmers into the country. Second, they are ninjas. Since everyone has seen the nightly news stories, I doubt anyone is ballsy enough to be around Mexican Pig Farmers right about now. So that leaves us with the ninjas. Maybe it has nothing to do with swine flu. Maybe we are slowly, and secretly being invaded by ninjas. If I am found nunchucked to death in a warehouse somewhere, you know it’s ninja’s. Ninjas almost always do something in a warehouse, I know this because I watch a shitload of movies.
The biggest thing we have to worry about is not only being attacked, or overtaken by ninja’s, but if they are the ones spreading the swine flu.
If this is the case we’re all screwed. It’d be like AIDS, Ebola, Africanized killer bees, Tetanus, SARS, Lime Disease, and Mustard gas combined.
The only place we’d be safe, would obviously be somewhere near Chuck Norris.
God speed everyone.

Come on people…

October 14, 2009

Why is it, that every time there is a news story about Roman Polanski being arrested in Switzerland, and held awaiting his extradition to the United States, someone has to claim that it is “controversial”?
How fucked up have we become that we consider this a controversy? What exactly about this is a controversy?  What part of some dude who raped a 13 year old girl back in the 70’s, had a mountain of evidence against him, who pled guilty, signed a paper saying he would not leave the state, then snuck off to France to live out his life while he was awaiting trial, is controversial?
Seriously people, if this is controversial to you, do the world a favor. Put a plastic bag over your head, and think about it for several hours.
This guy, admitted to raping a 13 year old girl. Not just rape, but he kind of drugged her, and did some really bad things to her as well. Even before I became a father, it was pretty easy to see right from wrong on this one.
I realize he’s very talented, creative, and artistic. I know that Chaz Manson’s posse murdered his wife, who was pregnant with his child. Though I can’t pretend to understand how horrible it would be to go through life after something like that happened, we’re talking about raping a 13 year old girl.
I don’t care how cherished you are by the mindless jackasses in hollywood, you raped a 13 year old girl.
If this was some random dude, who didn’t direct Rosemarie’s Baby, he never would have gotten to France, let alone Switzerland where he was caught. Instead of this being a “controversy” or an acclaimed director who won an oscar nearly 30 years after all this went down, and then got a rousing ovation during the ceremonies, he’d be known as that guy who got stabbed to death in cell block D, or the weird old dude with the ankle bracelet that stairs out his window a lot, and isn’t allowed to buy girl scout cookies.
This guy is as close as you can get to the top of the piece of shit foodchain, without being named Usama, or Hitler.
He raped a 13 year old girl! He admitted it! There is no shadow of a doubt on this one. It wasn’t some drunk WOMAN who went back to his hotel room late at night (not that that’s cool either, just a shout out to mike Tyson). It’s a child.
There was a time when I believed Wal-Mart was what was wrong with our society, or maybe even Twitter, but I gotta say, the fact that there are people who worship this dude, and even more who think him being arrested again for this is “controversial” is about as sad as it gets for us.
If there is any justice in this world, the Cops who “roughed up” Rodney King
get called back to duty, and sent to the airport to pick him up when he comes home, and they have been drinking energy drinks all day long.

Rudi brings us a corpse!

October 13, 2009

There comes a time in the life of every pet owner, where said pet brings them a corpse of some kind. It’s an act of great affection, and should be accepted with great thanks. Depending on what kind of pet you have, the type of corpse can vary greatly.
For instance, those who own birds can expect to sooner or later find a dead mouse, or dead bird on their porch.
Those with a larger animal can expect larger corpses. If you have a pet kimono Dragon, you may expect something like the corpse of Sharon Stone’s husband, or something along those lines.
I myself, have an asshole dog, so anything goes.
He had been coming in from the back yard with a muddy nose, and muddy paws. Surefire signs that he had been digging in the yard. The digging, was something we had nipped in the bud when he was a puppy. There had to be more than meets the eye (Transformers II DVD is almost here) on this one. I had searched earlier for the holes he had dug, and found none. I hoped it was a fluke. I was wrong.
Since my dog is an asshole, he likes to bury things he thinks are really awesome. In this case, it was a recently dead squirrel, of what looked to be pretty good size, as far as suburban Columbus squirrels go. This was a very prized possession, which means it has to be buried, and dug up, and buried in an even better spot, whenever the opportunity arises.
We caught him in the act.
He had been out there all through our dinner, so we decided to peak out. He was trotting along on his merry-asshole way, with the squirrel in his mouth, taking it from the last spot he had buried it, to what I’m sure would have been an even more awesome spot. He, was busted.
Of course when I went out, he dropped the dead squirrel, and came running up to me. I think he was trying to distract me from his prize. If he had any way to make small-talk, or keep me from discovering his little dead friend, I’m sure he would have.
So I had to pretty much cut my dinner short, as it was now corpse handling time. Obviously burying the squirrel was out of the question. I disposed of it accordingly, then went on to find young Rudi’s holes. Behind the pine trees, and behind a large bush, both of which were out of view, and next to our fence, there was a rather impressive network of holes. He obviously had been moving this squirrel for days. I almost felt bad for ruining the party.
So after filling in some holes, dispatching of a squirrel corpse, and hosing down the dog, trying to forget the fact that he and the dead squirrel had been at this for at least a day or two, and also trying not to imagine just what the squirrel died of, it was time to resume my nice, relaxing evening.
Just a day in the life of me.