I’m back America

November 25, 2008

I’ve decided to stay. My plans at creating my own nation are no more. I’m back on board for the American dream. After a lot of soul searching, I found something, that only the greatest land in the world could provide. Tonight, I found something so beautiful, that I can honestly say for the first time in my life, I’m proud of my country. No, not Obama, he’s still a dick, but I do like wouting his wife. I’m talking about crushed graham cracker crumbs. I am going to make a cheesecake, a pumpkin cheesecake to be exact, and needed some graham cracker crumbs for the crust. Thanks to the land of oppurtunity, the crumbs come pre-crumbled, and in a box, ready to go. In the past the act of actually crushing a bunch of graham crackers, to get the crumbs, could take as long as one minute. Having to actually take a packet of graham crackers in your hands, and then squeeze them, it just seems like something they do in third world nations. We’re better than that, we need any easier way. A way that saves us that one minute of our precious time. Time I could not afford to waste. Now, with all the leg work done, and the crackers already crushed, I can use that time for things like beer, college basketball, and pornography. Thank you America.

Another fine victory over that team up north also helps me be patriotic. Five in a row. Never thought I’d see it, but I have. The craziest part is, 7 in a row is a real possibillity. Gotta figure with everything the Buckeyes have coming back, they’ll have a good shot next year in Ann Arborisawhore. Figure year three of the Dick-Rod era is when the maize and blue will really start clicking, and that will put them back in the show, against a Jr. Terrel Pryor, making his third start. Now any real Buckeye fan knows, that counting chickens before they hatch, leads to things like Mauric Clarrett. So without looking ahead, when we are in a pretty good era of Buckeye sports, be thankfull for everything this team has given all of us the last several years. Despite to blown BCS championships, this has been an amazing run, with some of the best players this program has seen. Through the history of College football, most programs have never even sniffed a run like the one the Buckeyes are on now. These are the glory days.

Some folks however, seem to have a real problem with OSU as a whole. Take Bob “who wants to hear me talk” Griese. Ole shit for brains Griese decided that as soon as the score got to 35-7, and Tressel put in Todd Boekman, it was time to get out of the soapbox. Never mind that Griese is paid to analize the game, not sit and spew stupidity, like Mark May, or a talk radio host. Never mind that an entire quarter of football was still to be played. No, Bob had to let us all know what a horrible job of coaching Tressel did, and what a disservice he had done by benching Boekman for Pryor. I like Boekman, but Griese is a jackass. He claimed that OSU would have beaten Penn State, with Boekman. They may have. Then what? After the USC loss, there was no way in hell any pollster was going to allow OSU to see the title game. No chance. So we get a rose bowl match-up vs. Oregon state? Or a rematch against an angry USC? The bucks would destroy Oregon State. That spread would be in the mid-twenties. Ohio State vs. Oregon state, Boekman would get to play in that game, cause we’d be up 35-7, just like they were aginst our biggest rival last weekend. If Tress would have stuck with Boekman, we would have piled up a few more points against teams like Purdue, but at some point the fact that our offensive line sucks would have caught up with Boekman. He would get killed. last season, once MSU showed everyone how to beat the OSU offense (blitz, blitz, blitz) it was a different team. The vest made the right call going with Pryor. He came up just a play or two short of an outright league title, but his progress was sped up by one whole year. Dumb bastards like Bob Griese who clearly have not watched OSU play but one or two games have no business second guessing anyone. Griese used every chance he could get to argue his point. Did he not notice the score? Did he not notice the Co-Big Ten Championship? Pryors got a long way to go, but did he not see any of the plays he made while his O-line forgot to pass block? Yeah a lot of his passes are underthrown on deep routes, and some are a little wobbly, but that tends to happen when guys are running for their life. Did you see the bal that went about 70 in the air, the time he actually could set up and throw? Did you see he has the highest completion percentage in the confrence? Yes, we may have been slightly better this year with Boekman taking most the snaps. Then what? Pryor making his third start against…USC? That’s smart. A smart coach would stick with the same thing, no matter what. If it helps your program slightly, with no aid for it’s future, ya gotta go for it, right? So going by Griese’s logic, Dick-Rod should have used all the Lloyd Carr plays this year at Michigan. hey they would have beaten teams like Utah, and Toledo, and then be just as screwed next season. OSU, and Michigan, both took big steps for their future this year, at the cost of the current season. Two different results, same principle. Bob Griese is a turd, replacing Andre Ware as my nomination for turd of the year. In honor of Bob, I’ve decided on a new contest, just for him. Instead of WWYRB, how ’bout WKLACF? That’s Who Knows Less About College Football?

Bob Griese vs. Charlie Weis.

Bob Griese, as I mentioned before, is a turd. Too much time around Paul Mcquire has turned what was once a talented football mind, into the Dan Fouts of the Midwest. Bob, had an amazing career playing at Purdue, and with the Dolphins. His claim to fame is the “unbeaten” season, even though he pretty much just started the one game that year. Maybe it’s because his son played at UM, maybe it’s cause he was sad he was missing the purdue game, but Bob was very unhappy to be stuck announcin the greates rivalry in college football. For basically the final 12 minutes of the game, fans had no choice but to hear Bob thoughts on Todd Boekman, no matter what was actually happening on the field. bob Claimed, OSU would have been far better, going with Boekman, instead of the freshman Pryor. Anyone who knows anything about recruiting knows that starting as a freshman isn’t something any recruit wants to be a part of. Bob is also the father of Brian Griese, who holds the honor of being the worst QB on 4 different teams, including teams with guys like Bubby Brister, Jay Fiedler, Jake Plummer, and Rex Grossman. He was however the MVP of the 1997 Rose bowl, a game that is still technically not over.

Charlie Weis, is just a genius. Like the fat, out of work loser who lives in his mom’s basement, despite his self pronounced genius status, and numerous YMCA chess titles, becuase he’s just too smart, and too valuable for a “normal” job. Charlie is just too smart for his own good. He’s actually managed to “screw up” what Tyrone Willingham had going. Besides being the smartest man alive, he also holds the record for the largest uterus, with out being pregnant for triplets. Charlie was “the genius” behind the Patriots superbowl titles. Even though statistically they got better after he left, and were more known for Adam Vinatieri and a good defense while he was there. Notre Dame went from, a young team who was on the way back to greatness, to a MAC school. At his first press confrence after taking the job he said “we will have a decided schematic advantage” Apparently he meant sucking so bad that teams no longer brought their A game to take on Notre Dame, thus allowing the irish to sneak up on opponents. I recently read an article about Charlie Weis flying to Hawaii and back to recruit a high school linebacker. The kid was rumored to be a USC fan, and is of the Mormon faith. I gotta think, as the coach of the countries predominant catholic school, is a Mormon hawiian kid really what you want to be going after? Nothing against mormons as football players. I’ve always said Donny Osmond would have been the original John Lynch, had he chose football over singing, and sister banging. But, doesn’t the whole Mormon thing put ND at a dissadvantage? Doesn’t the dude from Rudi have some kids who could play? Does three time heisman trophy winner Ron Powlus have any eligibillity left. Charlie Weis, despite getting supposedly top recruiting classes year after year, is just too intelligent to win.

There you have it america, lets see who you think knows less about football


Big Ten’s Finest

November 24, 2008

This has been as amazing of a college football season as any in recent years. A wide open field for the BCS title, and the Heisman trophy, is making this season one for the ages. Above all else, one story stands tall. Not the crazy upsets. Not the freshman jumping onto the scene all around the land. Not “who has the best confrence, the big-12 or the NUT-SEC. Nor has it been the controversies in the ranking system. The story that will forever represent this age of sports history, is Charissa Thompson changing her hair color. The lady who put’s the hot in Big Ten Network (look for it, it’s there) has gone from a smokin blonde, to a sultry brunette, and the sports world is a buzz. Because of this great story, I can think of no better way to honor her than to make her a contestant in the ever popular, ‘Who Would You Rather Bang’ series. This is a first for us. One person, being both contestants. I’ve scoured the history books, and the only time anything like this has happened, was on ‘Billy Madison’ when they debated between Michelle Phieffer, and Jack Nicholson, and it had to be broken down between 1976 Jack Nicholson, and Jack Nicholson today. This is way more than a sub category here, it’s the real deal, and I hope Charissa is up for it. Sadly, there is some early 90’s skank bikini model also named Charissa Thompson, so finding pics of her on the web has been tough. Due to my chronic masturbation thing, this has become almost impossible, but I press on, so here we go.

Blonde Charissa Thompson vs. Brunette Charissa Thompson. A showdown for the ages winner takes on Charissa Thompson in glasses next week!

Blonde Charissa Thompson, is what made her famous. http://www.bigtennetwork.com/UserFiles/Image/Show_logos/fnt_charissa_web.jpg and seems to be the version with the most pics on the internet. http://www.sportsbusinessdaily.com/content/Image/07-22-2008/Charissa-Thompson.jpg Charissa has lead us through a lot of great memories. She was there when Appalachian State took down Michigan in the Big House. She was there to tell us, “no word yet on the extent of Beanie Wells’ injury”. She was there when the age old question “would a MLB All-Star game Red Carpet show be the gayest thing ever”. http://assets.espn.go.com/photo/2008/0716/pg2_fox_reporter_300.jpg She was there to let us know that ‘Big Ten Friday Night Tailgate’ actually had no tailgating. http://www.bigtennetwork.com/assets/default/thompson-hall.jpg

Brunette Charissa Thompson, is a feast for the eyes. But very difficult to track down on any of the internets. http://i477.photobucket.com/albums/rr136/kevikim/brunette.jpg She gave us a short run, but what a run that was. We barely had time to wonder if Brunette Charissa Thompson was the new hottest reporter, and then she was gone. Only to be replaced by a slightly less hot, dirty blonde Charissa Thompson. A sort of half breed mix, not equal to either of the two parts that made her, but hot none the less. Brunette Charissa steamed up our televisions with that ‘hot for teacher’ kinda thing. When she paired the new hair color with those glasses, we all forgot their was even a football game goin on behind her. She will be missed, but hopefully will return someday soon. After all, the Buckeyes were undefeated during Brunette Charissa’s reign.

I also found a nice little site that breaks down a sort of WWYRB match-up between Charissa, and Erin Andrews, with a lot of cool vids, and even, wait for it….a Jay Bruce video! http://theangryt.com/?p=869 We all know Charissa isn’t quite ready to take on Erin in a Who Would You Rather Bang showdown, but she’s gaining an edge in my book.

No matter which Charissa you choose, we all know in our heart of hearts, the Big Tens Finest, is THE Ohio State Buckeyes. This guy sums it up pretty good. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bjvKC0LCjo&feature=related

Goodbye old friend

November 20, 2008

Today my old Dog Reggie, the best dog ever, passed away. he was a kick-ass fishing dog, and a great friend. I hope my current dog (formerly named rudi, but hopefully will be named Beanie soon) can be half the dog Reggie was. You will be missed buddy.

The Game. OSU vs. Michigan November 24th 2001

A little less than a year prior. Newly Hired football coach Jim Tressell, announced to an anxious crowd of fans at an OSU vs. UM basketball game, that big things were coming for the Ohio State football program, especially in regards to their rival up north, Michigan. This game was going to be played AFTER thanksgiving, and at 1:00 p.m. a rather strange, and unexpected starting time.

A group of friends and I headed north the day before the game. Full of leftover turkey, and nervous thoughts about what we were getting into, we headed into enemy territory. This was a road game, in Ann Arbor michigan, home of our hated rivals. We had plenty of practice for home games. Waking up, getting trashed, and being complete assholes was our specialty. Our parents were proud. Everything was different here. Strange, city, strange people, in a strange state. As we drove onto campus we passed the big house. It looked surprisingly small from the outside. We headed to a mutual friends apartment. The complex he lived in was all student living quarters. Shaped like a block U, his apartment was on the north side of the courtyard, on the 2nd floor. We noticed a lone OSU flag on a balcony, and saluted as we passed. The natives were restless. After greeting our host, we started the cocktail hour. We watched the annual day after thanksgiving showdown on t.v. then headed out to one of his neighbors parties. An entire apartment full of wolverine fans awaited us. They had deep fried turkey, and beer, so there was no need to immediately pee on their toothbrushes, but I still did. I later found outmy friend Trav, had done the same. They had little respect for us, as Michigan had owned this series as of late. After putting up with their insults long enough, we headed to the bars. We were there for only a few minutes, before we noticed an unexpected number of OSU fans. I saw dudes in OSU gear, Blue Jackets gear, even Bengals gear. We ran into people we went to high school with. One of the OSU coaches daughters was there. We were stealing the home field advantage, in an Ann Arbor campus bar. This was a good barometer of things to come. After a good nights sleep on a chair, we awoke to the michigan fight song. Booze would be the only way to get through this mess. Captain Morgan and O.J. mixed with breakfast from a gas station was the fuel for this fire. As we slowly got dressed in our gameday finest, we headed to the balcony. That OSU flag was now flying high on the neighbors balcony. They were fat chicks who graduated from OSU and were there for law school at U.M. Apparently they had not read about the declining status of UM’s Law program. Some fans drinking on the balcony above them had reached down and stolen the OSU flag! They celebrated, as the entire complex cheered them on. The law school chicks begged for the flag back. Every other balcony begged them not to. The people who had stolen it, reached out over their railing, and tossed it onto the roof. All was lost. This would not stand. At times like this, young women in trouble, outnumbered by an enemy of inbred swine, a hero was needed. That hero would be me. It was pretty much decided that that flag had to hang high for the buckeyes to have a chance. Those fat chicks, and that team needed me. Since I had drank the most so far, and could be talked into anything I was nominated to get the flag back. A true friend, (who was rooting for michigan, and could not be trusted) tried to talk me out of climbing up the face of a three story building, while drunk, to rescue a $20.00 flag for strangers. I told him I would not try and climb up the series of balconies, as it was not safe, I was too drunk, and the michigan fans would intervene. I decided to outsmart him, and announced I was going in to “pee”. I hatched out a plan with another of my pals, who may or may not have wanted to see me fall, and be wheelchair bound. The plan was to go outside, to the back of the building, and climb up the downspouts of the brick building all the way to the roof. Spider man was coming out in theatres soon, and was thus my inspiration. Seeing as how I had only slept for about 3 hours, had yet to be arrested, and had been drinking for about 3 hours, I was invincible. I went out the rear fire exit, when the winds of fate blew upon me. A rainstorm was coming in, and the wind had blown the flag completely over the roof, onto the ground. It was laying there like the holy grail, literally 5 feet in front of me. I contemplated my next move as I grabbed the great flag from that dirty michigan parking lot. I lingered about for a few minutes, partly to decide how I was going to take the flag through the lions den of Michigan fans, partly to make people think I was actually climbing up the building. There was only one way to get this flag back. I bursted through the exterior door into the courtyard, hoisting the flag high a la Brutus Buckeye leading the greatest team in all the land onto the field. I stopped in the middle of the courtyard and waived the buckeye flag with pride, to the delight of m fellow OSU fans. My glory was short lived as the michigan fans above me started chucking beer cans and chicken wings down upon me. I gave the flag back to the fat chicks, who pretty much would have done anything i asked of them, but their was no time, and they were pretty fat. Game time was nearing. We approached the stadium, posed for a few pics, and wondered where all the other fans were. The guy at the gate informed us, it was only 11:30 and the game was at 1:00. We had brought flasks, but they would only last so long. It was time to find more booze. Luckilly our one buddy knew a family friend who lived about a block away, and they were tailgating. There’s pretty much a normal neighborhood accross the street from the Big House. Unlike in columbus, this was not shitty run down student housing. This was a family, and they were having a party on the lawn. They were extremely nice as far as hosts go. Knowing only my one friends parents, they gave us free range of everything from the beer supply, to the buffet of food. They even let my one friend take a dump in their house. After a few more unnecessary beers, and some pretty rockin goulash, it was actually game time.

One thing that surprises every OSU fan, when they make their first trip to the Big House, is the men’s room. After a lifetime of loathing the Maize and blue, and a day and a half of debauchery, I was ready to get into the stadium, and pee on it, in as many places as possible. They had outsmarted me. The whole restroom is one big trough, with water trickling down the walls. They want you to pee on the walls. Being a good guest, I did just that, a lot. As we descended the stairs to our seats, surrounded by a whole lot of UM students, we were welcomed with a chorus of boo’s, and a barrage of flying marshmallows. Though delicious, marshmallows can get very sticky when you get hit with one in a steady drizzle. Despite the restless native’s, our flasks, and our Buckeyes held up, and victory was ours. For some reason, none of the Michigan fans wanted to stick around afterwards, so the stadium belonged to the fans of the scarlet and gray. As we met up with more fans we knew, and posed for pictures, we were on top of the world, watching a victorious tressell, lead his team in the best rendition of Carmen Ohio, I have ever heard. A great day indeed.

It’s time, there’s no getting around it. Time to put out a hit on Hines Ward. The bastard has it coming. Back when the Bengals and steelers faced off in week 7, ward knocked our rookie first rd pick keith Rivers out of the game, and out of the season with a broken jaw. There was no flag thrown, and no fine issued for the crack block that ended Rivers’ season, but I know what really happened. You see, Hines ward is a popular player, on one of the league’s most popular and succesfule teams. The week before, fellow shittsburgian Troy Polabutthole said the commissionoer, and all his fines were turning the league into a panzy league. Rivers fate was sealed. There was no way ward could get a fine, not after being called out. What happened was ward cracked inside on rivers, and put his helmet, under the his, and broke his jaw. Plain and simple. If a big name QB takes a helmet to helmet, helmet to neck, or helmet to jaw, he is penalized, fined, and some times suspended. If it’s a QB, but not a popular one, it’s just a penalty, and lesser fine. If a defender does the same to a big time receiver, who sells a lot of jersey’s, he’s getting out his checkbook. A less vicious hit took out Anquan Boldin, but he was knocked out, so the little known eric smith was suspended. He was the one who hit Boldin, and even though boldin was hit from behind into smith as well, Smith was fined, and suspended. Ask yourself this. How does a young, physically fit NFL player get his jaw broke, when he is wearing a helmet? Hmmm, could it be from another players helmet hitting him in the face? No that would mean Hine’s wards hit on Rivers was illegal, and should have warranted at the very least a flag! But, Rivers isn’t that popular, and Ward is, what can we do? If your name is Roger Goodell, you do nothing, and just keep hoping a popular player doesn’t get hurt, and then finda way to suspend Bernard Pollard in the offseason, for taking out Tom Brady. Since Roger Goodell is on a journey to become the worst sports commissioner in history, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands. I’m putting out a hit on Ward. I’ve offered up a lot of good rewards on this blog, and really the only one to be won by anyone was a stack of playboys. Tonight though, I’m offering my biggest prize to date. 2 cases of delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, for whichever bengals player can take out Hines Ward. Three cases, if it ends his career. If they rip his head off and impale it on a big spear, then cut off his weiner and shove it in his mouth while parading around with the head on a stick in front of the entire crowd, while doing the Ickey shuffle, It goes to an unprecedented 4 cases of PBR. Maybe even bottles. So everyone tune in tomorow night to see the Bengals back-ups get destroyed, and hopefully the death of Hines Ward.

The author does not endorse murder for hire, unless it is to Hines Ward

People magazine really sucks. I got screwed out of the sexiest man alive thing yet again. This is bullshit really, cause it’s not even the 50 sexiest men alive, it’s like 100 and some dudes. Yet, I apparently am not one of them. I realize have put on a few pounds, kinda let myself go, but I should at least crack the top 76. In this past year I fathered a child, a lot like Brad Pitt don’t you think? I went to the beach, and guess what I did there? Took my shirt off. Kinda reminds you of that butthole Mathew Mcnowhatshisname huh? Apparently, the dude from ‘Mad Men’ made the list. His name is Jon Hamm. I ate a ton of ham this year, that makes me kinda like him. They also have some dude named Zac Efron, who is one of the high school musical queers. I’m not gay, so I can’t really compete with him. They even have some dick named Lang Lang. Since when did panda bears become sexy? They can’t even have sex on their own. David Beckham made the list. That dude can’t even play good soccer in the shitty MLS, and his voice sounds like a girl. Perhaps the only cool dude I have seen so far, is Zach from saved by the Bell. That dude was so awesome, I can’t argue with that. He pretty much saved Jessie’s life when she got all hopped up on diet pills, and could have banged lisa if he wanted to. That’s sexy in my book. And why the hell do they call it the sexiest man ALIVE? Despite how retarded People magazine is, shouldn’t the fact that everyone they think is sexy is not a corpse be kinda expected. Maybe there was some debate in the press room between the normal gay bastards, retarded fat chicks, and the necrophiliac gay bastards, and fat chicks, as to wether or not dead people could be on the list. Either way, I’ve decided to do 25 sit-ups a day, until I can get on this awesome list. My life just won’t be complete until I can be on the same list as such talented and respectable people like Blair Underwood.

Smokin Joe!

November 18, 2008

We’ve all seen, and heard just about all of the various college football jokes. They make a joke book for just about any team with a rival. Each year, we have to hear the same jokes over, and over when it gets to be time for the biggest game in sports. OSU vs. Michigan. I do like to see them, year after year they make me laugh. I did see a new one finally. Michigan may not be able to make it to columbus to the game this year. They can’t get past Toledo. Gay, but hillarious.

Sunday night I was finally able to watch something I have been waiting for for months. The Fight between one of the all time greatest pound for pound boxer’s, Roy Jones Jr., and my personal all-time favorite, the Pride of Wales, Joe Calzaghe. If you were like me, and was hesitant to drop 50 bucks for a pay per view boxing match, good news. HBO has it on the precast to the Lacey/Taylor fight. Now as I said, I’ve been wanting to watch this one for a long time. Calzaghe is a greater fighter, no doubt, but Jones actually was rested for this fight, and appeared to be training hard, and not filming shitty matrix movies. The problem was, 50 bucks is a big risk for a boxing match. 10 years ago, no problem. Get a group of people to throw in a few bucks, and it’s all good. Boxing has just tossed away any consumer trust. I’m one of the bigger boxing fans I know, but I’ve been burnt on too many jack-asses landing their fan/parachute in the ring. Too many fights ending on too many nut-shots, or dudes biting off ears, or crappy over the hill hollyfields, somehow coming out on top of the scorecards in fights they got destroyed in, every single round. I’ve just lost my faith in boxing. Put it on HBO, I’m there. UFC is blowing boxing away, and it’s their own fault. They just cn’t get out of their own way. This had the promise to be one of the greatest fights of the last 20 years. What did they do? They put it on pay per view, for 50 bucks, with no watchable undercard. Then, the replay, was on the same time as one of the biggest UFC fights in years. I don’t know what the ratings were for Calzaghe/Jones, but boxing missed a huge chance. I watched it again today, and it was one of the best fights I have seen, in a long, long time. Calzaghe destroyed Jones, in every way possible. Had it not been for the fact that Jones was a legend, and Calzaghe could have been fighting his last fight, the match would have ben stopped about rd. 8. Smokin Joe was toying with him the whole fight. He walked into a jab in rd one, and that was as close as it got. Joe was teasing, and taunting, and outpunching him 3-1. By the 9th, Calzaghe had landed more blows than any fighter had ever landed on Roy Jones Jr. he just kept coming, and he went out on top, undefeated for his career, and most people have no idea who he is. Boxing blew it. Boxing, has a lot of flaws, and none of them appear to be getting resolved. In fact, they may be getting worse. Every time Boxing has a guy that may be able to transcend into big ratings, he fights a fight he has no business in, and the downward spiral begins. Since there are 38 different current heavyweight champs, and Calzaghe is retiring, boxing has to put all their chips into badmouthing MMA, and showing over the hill fighters. If boxing had a clue, they would convince these over the hill fighters, Hopkins, Jones, De la Hoya, Lacey, and Taylor to sit back and be on the undercard. Calzaghe had one of the best careers ever, and is still in the end of his prime. Instead of setting up Kelly Pavlik vs. Calzaghe in a super fight, with an undercard of former champs, boxing throws in Pavlik vs. Hopkins. Hopkins won, and then what? He got crushed by Calzaghe already. They had a chance to develop two new stars to market, both white dudes. Instead of trying to set up a super fight, one not seen since Holyfield/Lewis. What do we have on slate now? De la Hoya vs whichever mexican dude can get a passport.

O.K. i’ve been battling this thing for a few days. Running the scenario through my head trying to figure out exactly what went down. I’ve been trying to find excuses for what else might have happened, but I just can’t. It’s plain and simple. I went into a strangers house, and people started doing it. My name is Chris, and this is my story.

I had to go down and look at a job my crew may or may not have screwed up. Nothing new there, I’ve done this many times before. I had set the appointment up with the homeowner, she said her sister would be coming over to let me in, there would be other people there doing work. Nothing new there, I’ve never met any of these people so I could care less. Plus, if by chance it isn’t our fault, I can be a total dick, and there won’t be any repercussions. I actually had to drive right by the area that our fateful casino was supposed to go. There were a shitload of Vote no on issue 6 signs. Ungrateful bastards, don’t know a good thing when they see it. The whole area still sucks, and that won’t change since they won’t have a casino now, but moving on. I get to the neighborhood, stop at a mexican phone booth to pee, and find the house. A couple of vans out front, doors open, this was the house, the other workers were here. This sorta old lady answers the door. Maybe mid 50’s, maybe older. The smell of about 900 recently smoked cigarettes in a brand new house could skew her appearance to look older. She was wearing sweat pants, and a tee shirt. Average size for an older lady, but nothing remarkable in any way about her appearance. She was nice enough, showed me into the basement, pointed out the trouble areas. She chatted for a few minutes, as I checked around. The problems had nothing to do with my company, awesome. I had all the stuff to fix it, called the builder, he gave the go ahead to fix it. I would be in and out in about a half hour. This day was starting to shape up. All I had to do was fix the problems, drive 2 hours home, and maybe even find that wendy’s on the way home that still sells the Big Bacon Classic, and I could bill it all to someone else. A fine day. I told the lady i would be about half an hour, and would need to make a few trips in and out. There were also two Korean dudes there, doing something to the hardwood floor. They were my age, maybe younger. They were chatting in Korean, i recognized the language from some korean folks I know. On one trip outside to get tools, one of the koreans went out at the same time to cut a bunch of wood. When I went back in, the lady and the other korean dude were nowhere to be found. I was down in the basement about 5 minutes before I heard the sounds that have haunted me the past few days. “AAAAH!” “AAAAH” “OH” “OH MY GOD” “OH GOD” etc. etc. It went on like that for maybe five minutes, the levels of the moanings went up and down the whole time. Anywhere from, “did it stop” quiet, to “holy shit” loud. At first, I stopped everything, thinking something horrible had happened. Is the lady dying? Did one of the Korean dudes really fuck something up? Did one of the annoying dogs die? One of the dogs started howling, that answered that question. When you hear “OH GOD” “AHHH”! Being screamed without regard to anyone, or anything else around, you immediately think something really bad happened. I remember thinking, I really don’t want to have to talk to cops cause somebody died. How could I enjoy a Big Bacon Classic if somebody I just met died? The sounds continued, long past the time of it being pain. It was Banging, no getting around it. Was it the T.V.? It was on either Discovery, or A&E when I came in. I recognized the dude on t.v.’s voice, from one of those crime documentaries shows. I also noticed, there was only the sound of one hammer going upstairs. There was two before. Soon the sounds picked up tempo, and got loud again, and then just stopped. A minute or so later, I could hear both hammers again, and the old lady footsteps. Then, korean language, followed by laughing. This could only mean one thing. The other Korean dude was nailing that old lady, while his buddy was nailing the new flooring (which looked really nice). How does this happen. This lady was watching her sisters new house. These dudes were just there for the day. there’s almost no chance they had ever met. Did either of these dudes even speak english? They had to know everyone could hear. How does this happen? Does the old lady proposition the korean dude in the universal “doing it” sign language? I’ve seen porn videos plenty of times. The dude is always young (which he kinda was) usually a decent looking dude (this was a scraggly looking Korean dude in dirty work clothes), and he’s there to either fix the plumbing, or carrying a pizza with a hole in the box for his penis to fit into. The chick is always hot too. This lady, was by no means hot. Not horrible, just old, and not hot. Even if I was single, enough nuclear bombs to destroy the world 9 times were already in the air, and some dude was holding a gun to my head giving me the choice to either bang the old lady, and get to go to a bomb shelter, or not do her, and die, and I’m really trashed. I’m still passing on that one. What the hell was going on, mere feet above my head? Was this lady going to come after me now too? I had to get out of there. I pretty much just gathered my shit, said “everything’s done down there”, as I hauled ass out the door, past at least one happy Korean dude. The shitty crime show was still on t.v., so that pretty much ruled out the noises coming from that. There’s pretty much no way in hell that basement is fixed, and there’s also no way in hell I’m going back to fix it. I will bill the job though. After all, I did suffer mental anguish. I did see that chick in her sweat pants. This pretty much changes everything. I always thought Porn movies had shitty plots because of shitty writing, and the fact that people just watch them for the sex. I always thought the “plot” was just there to make the actresses feel like they were actually actresses, and not souless whores. Could it be, porno’s are all based on true stories? Maybe i should do some more research on this one.

Blown chance at glory

November 16, 2008

My Bengals have tied. I’m sure it hurts worse for the Eagles, who have playoff hopes. I gotta think losing to, or tying the Bengals is an automatic disqualification as far as the playoffs go. This one hurt especially bad for me though. I take a little responsibility for this non-win. Last night I advised everyone I could talk to, to bet the farm on the Bengals. If they got points, I made them a lot of money. If they were suckers and went straight up, I let them down. Not only was I surrounded by way too many dipshit Eagles fans, I was staying in the same Hotel as the Eagles team. This offered a unique chance for me to live out my NFL dreams. Not by playing, or coaching in the game, that takes way too much hard work. But, by making the Eagles players have the worst night’s sleep of their entire life. I had grand visions, and high hopes. I was going to make a difference, and give my Boys in stripes a chance. I let everyone down. The plan was to run up and down the hallway in the middle of the night, banging on all their doors. Send Donovan McNabb a hooker, and order wake up calls at 4 a.m. for the entire 11th and 12th floors of the Cincinnati Westin, who for some reason charged us an extra fitty. Alas, their were cops positioned outside the elevator on their floors, thus thwarting the whole door knockin/hooker scheme. The butthole at the desk didn’t believe my name was Andy Reid, and refused to do the wake up call thing. I should have said I was Dick Vermeil, that definitely would have worked. I even missed oppurtunities to kick Desean Jackson, and Brian Westbrook in the knees, or nuts. I wasn’t ready to “assault” a black man, far bigger, and in much greater shape than me until I knew for sure who they were, and at that point, it was too late. I let you down Who-dey nation. This ones on me. We did beat the spread though.

As for the Eagles fans, you guys suck so bad, it’s a shame you’ll never know. We were in town for a friends 30thbirthday. It was our first night away from the kid. The bar we were at was right down town, blocks from the stadium, and surrounded by some of the bigger named Hotel’s. This rare combo lead to an excess of fat, semi-retarded eagles fans, who seem to travel in packs of dudes, who’s main goal in life is to never get laid. Nothing says “I have no intentions of picking up a chick, and scoring” like a size 5XL Randall Cunningham Jersey. Nothing says “I live with my mom in philly” like screaming in unison, E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagles, Eagles, Eagles! over and over in a bar full of dancing young women. Our “stuck in the closet” waiter refused, when I tried to send a round of diet cokes to a booth full of 300 pound jersey wearing philly fans. I’ve travelled to NFL road games before. I went with a group of dudes. We were all single, and the night before, we all at least tried to pick up some ladies. These guys never even considered it. Unless philly women are fat, smelly whores, which they very well may be, the only chance Philadelphia has at reproducing, is via sperm banks.

I did see what happened when you paired up two very robust black women, and a mechanical bull. The outcome was surprising. The bull itself, was pretty impressive looking. Not at all like that “gyrating saddle” in that shitty John Travolta movie. It was pretty big. it had a saddle area, and even a fake head. However, the fake bull was no match for 500 plus pounds of bachelorette party. It got two good rocks in, and then keeled over. it fell to the floor like someone had shot it in the forehead, and showed no signs of getting up. It very well may have been the funniest thing I will ever see, and I could not laugh. It was hilarious overload. i think part of me might have broke. I guess it’s the funny equivalent of losing ones virginity in a USCcheerleader orgy. You just can’t top it, and you’re ruined forever. The one chick was pretty embarrassed, and tried to laugh it off, but was already plotting her suicide. The other, after climbing out from under a dead mechanical bull, proceeded to give the bird to all the onlookers who were laughing at her, and then told us all to kiss her ass. This was worth the entire trip.

All in all, it was a great night out. Happy 30th to my very old friend, and congrats to the Bengals on a thridstraight week of not losing.

I do however have to wonder. Everyone automatically thinks the NFC east is the best division in the NFL. Maybe they are. However, the Bengals took the giants to overtime, had the cowboys against the ropes right up until Chris Perry fumbled, and tied the Eagles. The Browns who have struggled more times than not, did get stomped by dallas, but was a missed field goal from taking down Washington, and completely owned the Giants. I’m sorry but, I’ve watched the Ohio teams every week, and they suck really bad. Good teams beat them by 3 scores. Pittsburgh, was a long snapper on a punt away from giving the Giants loss number two, and beat the redskins with their backup QB. I’m not trying to say the AFC north is great, cause it isn’t, but come on. Whoever wins the NFC east isn’t exactly going to walk into a championship.

Andre Ware is a turd

November 14, 2008

Did anyone see Andre Ware trashing Jim Tressell of all people, for “piling on”? Does this dude have brain damage? First, and foremost, the game wasn’t exactly a blow-out when he said it. OSU was up 3 scores, early in the 4th. Northwestern could have came back, not likely, but possible. It’s happened a lot of times before. Maybe not at a gay theatre school like Northwestern, but it could happen. Tressell, ran a fake punt, with a punter who apparently learned to walk, just days before the game, and got the first down. It worked, and OSU kept the ball. Another first down or two, and it was all over. OSU tossed it deep, and scored. Ware got all over the Vest for running up the score. Claiming, “They gotta remember that they have to play the Wildcats every year, it’s a confrence team, and I’m sure they’d want nothing more than to return the favor”. Let me state this loud and clear. The day Northwestern, runs the score up on my Buckeyes in football, is the day I kill myself. I stand by that. Does he think Northwestern is good at sports not involving eye shaddow, glitter or an Epee? Maybe it could be that OSU still has two games left to prove something. One against a team that has pretty well figured them out, the other against their most hated rival, who has nothing to play for except beating the bucks. Does he think our offense has been clicking on all cylinders game in, and game out? It’s not like we have any offensive momentum, week after week. Don’t you think giving your frosh QB as many snaps as possible is the best bet? It’s pretty far into the season, the more stuff you put on film, the harder your opponents have to prepare. Maybe it’s the fact that the NCAA has shortened travel rosters, and some starters have to play the whole game. Our defense is just fine, hell we had a freshman backup get back to back sacks. Our offense needs the reps, and maybe the Wildcats’s first team D isn’t as good as our scout team, but it’s good to give them some live reps. Sorry Andre, that our backup tailback broke a kill the clock play for another TD. Maybe it’s my old age, but how did Andre Ware win the Heisman at Houston again? Was it scoring gritty TD’s after long drives against top opponents, or racking up stats against UTEP? Hmmm. Let me think about this one. Andre, you are a turd. You couldn’t even beat out Rodney Pete, or Eric Kramer for the Lions starting job. That was tough, hand it to barry until the whistle blows. You couldn’t even land a guest role on that crappy show with Rodney Pete’s wife, ‘Mr. Cooper’. If the vest lays 80 on Dick-rod, then you can get on him for “piling” on. A team that scored 6, and 3 in it’s two big stage losses, isn’t piling on. They are trying to get better. Something that I’m sure Lions fans wished you knew how to do.

I’ve recently discovered something that may change my life forever. There’s this guy, who owns a business in Central OH. They do all kinds of stuff like, insurance, investments etc. He has the gayest commercials I’ve ever seen. A lot of his commercials have included his children. On some, he super-imposes his lips on their faces, so a little baby is describing his services, with his voice. So gay. He also has this retarded jingle, for his phone number. Each branch of his company has a different number, with it’s own retarded jingle. Watching the commercials, one says to themself, “I hope some day, I have the chance to kick that guy in the balls.” I might be getting my chance. Yesterday, I discovered this buttholes kids, go to the same day care as my son. At first, I was hesitant. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I saw a waaay to large SUV, with personalized plates, the ultimate sign of a tool. The plates had the name of his company, proving my theory on tools. Is someone gonna flag him down and give him money because he has the name of his gay company on his plates? Isn’t most of his business going to go down in his, or someone else’s office? Where they will kinda know who he is, and hopefully be getting some better advertising from such crazy things as business cards, or company letterheads? Anywho, back to the main story. After a second day of seeing his vehicle, I confirmed it was the turd from t.v. He was parked kinda at an angle, right in front of the entrance, where the mini school bus that takes kinder-garden kids to and from school loads up. He’s waaaaay to cool for the few dozen “normal” parking spots along the side of the building. He was there when I went in, got my kid, talked to the staff, gathered his things, and still there after I had strapped my son in his carseat, and drove off. the whole process can take 15 minutes or more, depending on the day. This dick sits, basically in a fire lane, in his truck, with the engine running, while somebody else goes inside to get his kids. the same little bastards he exploits for his gay commercials. And soon, I will kick him in the balls. This is a unique opportunity for me. I’m a dreamer, and a dickhead, and this may be the first time in my life, I get the chance to take my rage out on someone from t.v. who I hate. We made eye contact through his windows, it’s definitely him. My luck is at an all time high. Imagine being able to slap Jerod from subway, or give the where’s the beef chick a titty twister, of choke slam Miss Cleo? Soon, I will exact t.v. revenge. It’s like running into the “dude you’re getting a Dell” kid in a dark alley. It’ll be a victimless crime when I kick him square in the nuts. If he’s there again sitting his his truck, practicing being an annoying bastard, I may just “accidentally” ram my truck into his as I back out of my “normal person” parking space, and then drive off like nothing happened. I figure any cop who has to file the report, if they can muster the strength to not kick this dude in the balls, will either throw the report out, or find me, and buy me a beer. I’ll be sure to let everyone know, when I slap him in his big fake tanned head, and say “880-DICK”! It’s going to be awesome. This is proof, that having kids is the best thing ever. I just wish I could have known all this sooner. I could have given that crying indain dude standing in all the trash, a swift kick to the balls.

Chris needs a passport!

November 12, 2008

As I was scanning through whatever mindless stories my internet connections homepage had to offer, I found something that may have changed my life forever. The U.K. is facing a sperm shortage. Can you believe it? Those pansy bastards are running out of man-juice. They say it’s because the donor laws have changed over there. Apparently a test tube baby can grow up and have access to his “fathers” records, so he can hunt him down, and other things. I guess they used to go with the ole spank and run method, but now, you have to leave your name, and other info. According to the story, this has frightened young britains from “filling up the cup” so to speak. Personally, I think too many generations of tennis and buggery, have caused them to go soft. They need to man up. After successfully siring a child, I think I might just be the man they need. It’s gonna be hard work, but once (if) my passport clears, I’m hopping on the first flight accross the pond, and going to town. I figure I can knock out a dozen or so a day, if I put my mind to it. Britains live in a “pub” culture, so this will work well for me, as i will be able to re-hydrate in between “appointments”. Hanging out with a bunch of british dudes in a pub all day will do me some good. My resume has been getting stale. Being able to put, Beat up english queers as one of my skills will pay off in the long run. The only downside I can think of, is a bit of a logistical problem. I’ll have to get my wife to quit her job and come over there with me, as there are no hot chicks in england. And since they may not have electricity there, they surely won’t have internet, so “inspiration” could become an issue. In the end, I’ll pull through (pun intended), and get the job done. After all, we kicked there asses in WW-2, it’s time to bury the hatchet.

Today, I stopped home for lunch. As I sat at the bar, I really didn’t want to wacth Sportscenter for the 8th cycle, or that retarded First and Ten on ESPN2, so I decided to see what HBO had for me. What I found, may have been the worst collection of movies in history. As a purveyer of shitty movies, I thought I’d tune in to one. The problem was, I couldn’t decide which was the shittiest. HBO may have had the 4 shittiest movies ever made, all on various HBO channels at the same time. It must have been, “butt-hump” day. I know a lot about shitty movies, I love them. I recently DVR’d the movie ‘Stone Cold’ starring Brian Bosworth, and ‘Poison Ivy 2’ (Alyssa Milano’s boobs). Those are some shitty movies, but the Boz had the baddest mullet ever, and is waay under-rated as an actor. Today thoug, the movies were just too shitty. My mind couldn’t handle it. Since it’s HBO, and all these movies are sure to be on a gazillion more times, I need to be ready to watch them. So I’m putting it to a vote. Using the rad new “poll” feature, that has always been here, and I never noticed before. So here they are, todays candidates for shittiest movie of all time.