Lets Go Blackhawks!

May 26, 2010

During the offseason, I read that the Blackhawks had fired their General manager. I still haven’t had anyone explain why to me, since they were a top 5 team in the whole league, and were mostly a young team, who should contend for years to come. Either way, the dude got fired. He must have been banging the owners wife or something, cause as myself, and everyone else predicted, the blackhawks were pretty good this year, and are just a few games from winning the Stanley Cup.
The only problem is…
In the offseason, not only did they fire their G.M., they also garunteed a second place finish, by signing Marion Hosa.
The last two seasons, Mr. Hosa has had the dubious honor, of being runner up, and he’s primed for a third shot at almost glory.
First, he was a Penguin. A major factor on their young team, and a soon to be free agent. He eventually lost in the finals to the Red Wings.
Then, instead of taking bigger money somewhere else, or signing a long term deal, he opted to sign a one year deal with Detroit, who many of you may know lost to his old team the Penguins in the Stanley Cup finals.
Now he’s right back in it.
The big killer is, I decided somewhere around the Olympics, that Chicago would be my go to NHL team once the Blue Jackets were done embarrasing themselve’s. They’ve got young stars, play in an awesome arena, have cool uniforms, cool history, and crazy fans, who are nowhere near as annoying as Cubs and Bears fans. Vince Vaughn even goes to games, and Patrick Kane is one of my hero’s.
Throw this all together, and I can’t help but pull for them when they aren’t playing Columbus, and since this is the playoff’s, Columbus is long gone, and not even really a factor.
That’s where it all points to Philly winning the cup.
You see, any time I jump on a teams bandwagon for the playoff’s, it all goes to shit. Couple that with Marion Hosa being on the roster, and it’s more bad news for Chi-town.
Sorry Blackhawk fans. Don’t blame me, you’re the ones who fired your G.M. and signed Marion Hosa.



May 24, 2010

Once again, we’ve reached the end of an era, but at the same time, emerged into a much more hillarious one.
My son has learned to call people (mostly me) on their farts.
Any fart really, silent, loud, it doesn’t matter, he calls me out on it.
For the past three years, I’ve lived in a bliss of being able to blame the dog, and getting away with it, but I’m no match more my 2 year old son.
The cool thing is, he thinks it’s the funniest thing ever, not only when I fart, but also by telling on me.
“Daddy’s farting” can be heard whenever I let one slip, often followed by laughing, between the two of us.
Oh well, this just means we’re moving into that magical time period when a father teaches his child the magic art of pulling his dads finger.
Parenthood is awesome.

And the winner is…

May 20, 2010

….The Washington Wizards…or maybe John Wall, or the 76ers, or maybe even Evan Turner. Or wait, is it the Cavs?
The bottom line is, the NFL was the big winner after this weeks NBA Draft Lottery Drawing. Like the real lottery, the only people who are in it are generally helpless losers, and even if they win, they’ll find a way to screw it up anyway, and even worse, nobody was watching, and nobody cared.
Compared to the NFL, who finds a way to make the drafting players must see t.v.
the NBA version is like staring at an etch-a-sketch.
Now I know it wasn’t the actual draft, but even if it was, would you have cared any more than you did for the lottery drawing?
It’s called a lottery. It should be exciting. It should make someone’s dreams come true.
Not crushing them.
Did anyone see John Wall’s face when they pulled the little ball with the Wizards logo on it? He went with the mix between the fake cry face, and trying not to vomit live on ESPN.

Instead of a winner coming from this lottery, we get the top pick going to a pretty shitty team, and a pretty shitty team getting a guy who even if they clone him 4 times, isn’t going to make them much better.
I suppose the Cav’s may have been winners on this one. Had the Nets landed Wall, Lebron would have been a sure fire Net. Now, He still may be  Cav, but doubtfull.
In the end, the only real winner who comes out of this, besides some late picking team who steals a guy who becomes a 10 year starter, is whichever Dentist, or tooth paste company that gets the contract to fix the Nets Russian owners teeth.
Was my t.v. messed up, or did that guy have teeth that were a shade of brown/yellow only seen in a Wrigley field urinal after a double header?
I mean come on dude, you’re a billionaire, get some chompers that don’t look like you came from Russia.
I realize as a Russian Billionaire, all there is to do is to hang out with Sergei Federov and drink Vodka and smoke black market Marlboro’s, but come on man, billionaires should have teeth that at least pretend to have been white at some time.
So maybe the real draft will be cooler than the lottery version. If not, we can all hold our breathe, and tune in to Versus for the NHL’s go at it.

The Racket

May 18, 2010

So the Home inspection thing has come and gone, and we’re still moving forward.
It wasn’t without a great deal of pain, or a decent sized stack of cash.
However, it’s not a total loss.
We are still going to sell our house, I did manage to prove my theory about how ‘Home Inspector’s are incompetent boobs, who dwell at the bottom of the construction industry food chain, and try to account for their complete lack of skills/success by being total dicks. The theory that is shared along with me by everyone I know who knows anything about construction and or home building/sales also includes the theory that any Home inspector worth his salt (that is not an off duty fireman, or an actual home builder who does certified inspections for friends and family), would have a job at an engineering firm, a major construction or home building company, or would work for a bank, a city, county, state or other Government agency and have a company vehicle, full insurance, decent salary, and every holiday you can think of, and maybe even a little self respect.
This was not the guy I got.
Not only did I get the guy who has a picture of himself in a tuxedo on his business card, but I got the guy who has a Toyota SUV with a fold up Gorilla ladder in the back to go along with his 4 night course certification in home inspecting.
Of course with this butthole comes all kinds of fun little recommendations for “fixing” my house, that may or may not determine the sale of the house, but the fate of my family, and the buyers as well.
Fun little things like Toilet is not fully secured.
When I put in the sub floor, one of my screws got too close to where one of the two bolts securing my shitter would go, thus making it impossible to fully tighten one bolt, unless I cut off the excess part of the screw. Technically loose, but I figure since I have had food poisoning at least three times, the flu another 3 times, and a good 5 years of eating, and drinking things even a third world doctor would tell me not to consume, the toilet will hold strong.
Not a problem.
And fun things like Sink has been repaired, may need to be inspected by a licensed plumber.
Yes, I had a leaky faucet, and fixed it myself, by replacing the springs, and valves. The replacement valves for this particular faucet did not come with an adjustable wedge, making the handle turn more than 90 degrees. No drips, fully on, and fully off, but yes, it has been repaired, no need to pay a plumber to tell me that.
Furnace may need inspected.
The house is 30 years old, a lot of shit may need inspected.
The real gem of the deal….
Chimney has settled, and is pulling away from the house.
Indeed, the foundation for my chimney has settled, which anyone in the construction industry will tell you, is entirely rare, and doesn’t happen on nearly everything ever built to some degree. In fact, over the full 32 foot height, it has moved away nearly an entire inch, which is almost a catastrophe. That’s almost 1/8th of an inch on a 4 foot level!
This one really had my buyers worried, so of course, I get to “remedy” it.
Helpful as all home inspectors are, he knows a company that can “secure” it, so it won’t settle any more. Did anyone know that almost every single time something settles, it does so pretty much all at once, and then stops moving. See: The Leaning Tower Of Pizza. Yes, it settled, hence the leaning. It’s not gonna keep settling, accept for maybe over several hundred years, which is why it’s not called “The Falling Tower Of Pizza”. Anywho, it has settled a very small amount, and I get to “fix” it. Every place I call, has asked for the home inspectors name, just in case he’s one of the inspectors who is kicking work to these con artists, and gets a taste of the action. One guy even told me they do that. Another told me, “90% of their jobs are on For Sale homes, or homes in closing”.
It looks, sounds, and even in the anal regions feels like I’m getting screwed here folks. A problem that certified engineer’s, and people who deal with foundations every day for the last 40 years or so have told me is not an issue, but yet I get to dish out a few grand, just because some no talent ass-clown said I needed to.
So there, there’s my beef with home inspectors. Not only do they know little to nothing about construction, but they are con artists as well. They have no actual knowledge, nor any skills, yet they hold all the power in deals like this, despite their lack of qualifications. They arrange deals with companies who do things that don’t need done, kick some work there way, and get a cut of the action.
After meeting with several hapless jack-asses from the “repair” companies who pretty much answered my questions as to how much of a con game this whole thing is (one of which told me the chimney will be falling over any day now, his card said “basement professional” so he had to know). Another told me it would cost $150 just to get a quote (but he would take that off his bill if he did the work. Yeahhh!).
So I’ve decided. I will no longer just look down my nose at Home Inspectors, or tell people how inept they are, or laugh along with home builders I deal with who make jokes about them. I’ve decided to do more.
Seeing as how this turd missed at least 3 major code violations I made in remodeling my house, 4 fire hazards, and several other things that should jump out at anyone who knows anything about houses, I am going to expose not only him, but his entire industry, and this con game they run.
I think duct taping my camcorder to my reds hat (I have a cammo one, so it will blend in), and then interviewing this guy, and putting him on the spot, will open everyones eyes. These con games have to stop. These douche bags hold waaaaay too much power in home sales, and need to be sent packing. I’m just the guy for the job.
Soon, every crappy news channel around central Ohio, and youtube as well will be running my expose pieces on how stupid home inspectors are.
With a little bit of luck, I can write a book, and make enough money to have a “certified chimney repair company” come out and “stabilize” my chimney, and we can all go on with our live’s, and I can start blogging important things like how stupid OSHA is, and building inspectors are.

Has It Come To This?

May 12, 2010

So today I’m driving along, minding my own business, having a fairly decent day, when all of a sudden I realized, my life has changed big time.
For about the 8th time in the last two days, I found myself being really excited about how well my new windshield wipers are working.
Is this what it’s come to?
Windshield Wipers?
Don’t get me wrong, they are awesome wipers. Without a doubt the best I’ve ever had, and I kind of hope it rains again tomorrow, but the point is, there was a time when it took a lot more than windshield wipers to get me excited.
I’ve done some pretty crazy stuff in my days, and my days aren’t done yet.
I may, or may not have showered with multiple chicks at the same time. I may or may not have partied in Tijuana, actually making it more of a shit-hole than it was when i got there. One time I picked up a hot stranger literally 9 seconds after meeting her, and was on my way back to her place with her, when i crashed her bike, thus giving her a bloody lip, and ruining what could have been a legendary hook up, and instead just another funny story.
I’ve seen and done many, many things, that I hope my son never hears about. Though I live with no regrets, there is a lot of stuff I maybe should not have done, but most of them made for pretty cool stories, so we’ll roll with it.
I guess it’s finally hitting me that some time in the past I went from needing to see two midget women fight each other, or something equally awesome to get excited, and now, just a decent set of after market windshield wipers.
So does this mean I am a total loser, or just that I have reached the apex of awesomeness?

Shaq Needs a Hug

May 12, 2010

After watching Shaq, and Big Z pretty much be the only Cavs players who even tried last night, I gotta say, I actually feel sorry for those guys.
Not that they were the only ones trying, but they looked like the only ones who cared.
At this point in time, it’s pretty much the end of the road for both these guys, and Shaq has been the best Cav the last two games, and it’s all gonna be for nothing.
Either Lebron is looking for an excuse to leave Cleveland, or his arm needs amputated and in’t telling anyone, or he is just a dick, but from what I saw, he has hung Shaq out to dry.
So if you happen to be walking and you see Shaq, or Big Z, give them a hug, if not for you, do it for me.

Conspiracy Theory

May 11, 2010

So I made it almost halfway through the third quarter of the Cavs game tonight, before I had to pack it in.
I gotta say, going into this one, I thought LeBron’s last effort was the least inspired of his career, but he went out, and like Lloyd Christmas, totally redeemed himself. I’m glad I really don’t care about NBA basketball, because i would be slitting my wrists right now if I did.
Either Lebron is afraid of being the one who loses it for his team, and once again falling short, or something else is in the works.
I know, when he tries to put the team on his shoulders, and he falls short, all the blame goes on him. Ball hog, out for his own glory…whatever. But at least try dude.
Last I checked, the rest of your team blows, especially in the playoffs when it counts, and Shaq was supposed to just be around to rattle Dwight Howard, not be your best player. So why is Lebron not even trying?
Here’s my theory.
I was a charter member of the Lebron isn’t leaving Cleveland camp. Until game three.
Then, he put on his Super Lebron costume, and went off, completely changing the series, and making it look like the Cavs were going to have another go at Orlando.
Then I saw 96 images of Jay-Z, Beyonce sitting in the front row, and then it all changed.
At first it was all “oh wow, captain no talent got front row seats, all because he made a fortune having no talent”.
Then the wheels started turning.
Doesn’t Jay-Z own part of the Nets, who are about to open a new arena in Brooklyn?
Isn’t he friends with Lebron?
Aren’t the Nets certainly gonna draft John Wall?
Wasn’t John Wall “allegedly” in camp with “World Wide Wes” the infamous handshaker of big time basketball prospects, and a guy “allegedly” on Nike’s payroll, and a big buddy of John Callipari?
Didn’t Lebron go out of his way to catch a few UK games this season?
As the Chosen one and the local hero, wouldn’t you be looking for an excuse to skip town for the big bucks, and the bright lights of New York, and not be called a sell-out?
What better way to do that, than to expose your own franchise as a collection of losers with no hope, than to just pack it in, and sit back and watch them get spanked by a collection of has beens, and over-rateds.
I’m not saying Lebron is throwing the series, but unless he is planning on making it a dramatic seven game face-off, and has a trick up his sleeve, the dude has done a pretty good job of trying to sneak away into the sunset.
Lebron please make us all witnesses of something more than just a could be legend becoming a coward, and play some basketball. Maybe when you have th ball, and the entire Celtics team is in foul trouble, you actually drive to the rim, or shoot it, as opposed to passing it to the likes of Mo Williams, and Delonte West.


May 5, 2010

So here we sit, waiting on news.
Our potential home buyers had their inspection today, so now we wait on the results, to see if we are actually gonna sell this hell-shack.
The thing that worries me the most is, all my bad mojo from the world of Retards coming back to haunt me.
For as long as I can remember, I have hated douche bags, dickheads, and people whom I consider retarded, or stupid. (note: I do not use “retard” or any variation to insult people who were born with handicaps. I only use it on “normal” people, who are so stupid that they could only survive in America, and a few spots in Europe).
This hatred of all things retarded, may be coming back to bite me.
The douche bag Home inspector (note: the author believes “Home Inspectors” to be the lowest form of life in the construction industry. They are 99% of the times retarded, and consist of people whos construction knowledge is limited to a few books they read, and what they learned on their internet/weekend home inspectors course. I could sever my penis, and it would know more about houses than every “home inspector” I have ever met, including “retired” builders who know practice this “profession”)
Anywho, I digress…
This particular douche-bag inspector, has a business card with a picture of him in a Tuxedo, and wearing about 9 gallons of orange self-tan cream.
Everything I have done the last 7 years, and everything I am aiming for in my near future, and the future home of my family, now depends on a guy who wears a Tuxedo in his business card headshot.
How does this happen to me?
Why can’t I get some firefighter who does home inspections on the side, and actually is not a total dickhole? Why do I get the James Bond of dipshits to decide the sale of my home?
Oh, woe is me.
I only hope that those rugs I strategically placed over the holes in my floor held up for inspector gadgets 2 hour tour of my house, or the Transformers poster I put over the black mold in my basement did the trick.
As things settle down, I will resume semi-regular blogging, and maybe even bring back the who would you rather bang series. I’ve got a lot to talk about, including a recent trip into Appalachia where I met actual inbreds, whom amongst other things, regaled me with the tale of how he married his first causing, thus causing a riff in the family, and more wonderful tales, you only find around white folks, who are related three different ways.
In the mean time, lets wait and see if the sale will proceed, or if I have to completely re-build my house, per the request of the Tuxedo wearing home inspector.