Stupid Olympics

February 28, 2010

Once again, I get all caught up in something, get all carried away, and then it all comes crashing down.
Just like with Global Warming, and Clear Pepsi, my dreams of an American Olympic Hockey Gold, vanished in a heartbeat.
What’s worse, is Sidney Crosby, my least favorite hockey player in all the world, and someone I hope gets AIDS, ruined the whole thing. That crybaby, dive taking little pansy, did nothing the entire medal round, and then scores the goal everyone will remember.
Damn you Canada!
I was supposed to be relishing your pain right now. I was supposed to be dialing random Canadian phone numbers (I might have dialed all 212 of them) and asking if they knew who won gold in hockey.
Now what do I do? Not only is the hockey dream dead, but the Olympics are over too, and I really have no way of sticking it to Canada, except getting in to see my doctor in under an hour. I suppose I could just not buy anything from Tim Horton’s for a while.
This sucks America.
Pretty much all I have to get carried away about, is College Basketball. And even with that, I know the Buckeyes have no chance at getting past the sweet 16, maybe with a favorable tourney schedule, they could hit the elite 8, until they play a team with either a forward, or a center, and then have no answer for it. Then, I have the Reds, whose goal is 1 game over .500, and a long wait til football season.
It doesn’t look like I’ll be fishing any time in the near future either.
Sidney Crosby, may have ruined 2010 for me.
This really does suck.
In the end, America is still awesome, and Canadians, despite winning hockey gold, are still afraid of the dark.
At least I have that on them.
Fucking hoser’s.

Follow your dreams.

February 25, 2010

I’ve finally realized I will never be an NFL super-star.
Since 30 is over the hill for running backs who are already in world class condition, I gotta say the dream is dead. However, there is a catch to all this horrible news.
I can still be “on the team”. I just need to adjust my sights a little.
Instead of “playing for the Bengals” whats to say I couldn’t cheer on the Bengals, and get paid?
I already know one of the cheerleaders, and I know she would put in a good word for me. In this economy, I can’t afford not to.
It’s not that I want to be a cheerleader, but if you look a little deeper, it’s a win-win deal.
Sideline passes to the game. Co-workers are all hot. I may even get on television. Plus, if I get cut, or even if they refuse to let me in to the try-outs, I can sue and be some gay dude’s hero.
The Cincinnati Bengals cheerleaders, The Ben-gals (it’s a play on words, if you live in the south you wouldn’t get it) are having auditions for next years squad.
Here’s the ad from the teams website. 

Ben-Gals cheerleader auditions setPosted 8 hours ago  

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The Ben-Gals cheerleading squad, official cheerleaders of the Cincinnati Bengals, is accepting applications for tryouts for the 2010 season.   

The tryouts begin with a series of prep classes on “How to be an NFL Cheerleader,” starting March 20. The process will conclude on May 16, with a final tryout open to the public at The Syndicate in Newport, Ky.  

Applicants should be ladies in Greater Cincinnati who love to dance and want to be a part of a full NFL cheerleading program. Candidates must be 21 years old by Sept 1, 2010, must be able to practice up to three times a week, attend all home games and be active in the BenGals’ support of community events.   

Potential applicants can get more information by clicking here.

Notice how they use the words Should and Must the way they do.  
I should be a lady, and must be 21 or older.
Anyone else see the loophole?
They suggest I be a ladie’, but the way they write it leaves plenty of room for error. In fact, as long as I behave like a lady, I’m sure I can make the squad, and get to see a game for free. That shouldn’t be too hard, as long as I don’t date any players, or show too much skin, I’ll be as much a lady as anybody. I can pull this off.
In fact, the only criteria they list, I pretty much own.
I’m every bit of 21 years old, and then some. I’m sure I can practice 3 times a week. It’s cheerleading for God’s sake, how hard can it be.
I figure if I do some stretches, jump around a little bit, and then peck away at the other chicks with the rest of the hens, I’m in there. Hell, if I can even pretend I’m knocked up, I can get dis-ability, and still get paid to watch the games, and not have to do anything. This would also explain my growing mid-section.
It’s a can’t miss plan really.
So there you have it, my new dream. I may not be a Bengal, but I damn sure can be a Ben-gal.
Wish me luck everyone, and look for me on t.v. next season. I’ll be the cheerleader with a bunch of socks tucked into the crotch of my shorts, and the beer sitting by my feet.

Huge News!

February 25, 2010

This is gonna blow your minds, so everyone put on a hat.
Today, the D-man took a dook in the toilet like a big boy.
Granted, he has done this before at daycare, and he did crap a pretty good load into his diaper before I got him to take his pants off and sit on his own personal crapper, but in the end, the eagle landed.
It’s a joyous day all around. We’ve been trying to coax him onto the shitter for a long time now, and he does sit on it, sometimes with his pants actually down, but this is the first bomb to be dropped at home. Usually, he gets distracted, or is already done before we can convince him to sit on the throne, so you can see why I am excited.
Like I said, he apparently does this from time to time at daycare, but insists on full service treatment at home. So we all have cause to celebrate.
The only downside to this is the facilities were not exactly ideal for this momentous occasion.
We have 2 shitters for the D-man to use so he can “learn” to crap like a big boy (this I find odd, since he isn’t old enough to read a sports page, or text photo’s of massive turds to his friends).
The first, I like to call the travel shitter, although I’m sure my wife calls it something else. She like the term “potty” in these cases. This has been packed away for use when we go places.
The second, and more common shitter available to him, is a miracle of Science. It had to be designed by Germans, or copied from a fallen UFO, it’s that impressive. It’s a little plastic pot. It can be used as sort of a primitive shitter, and one can go right in it (this fills up easily after a night of drinkin’).
The seat can be taken off, and placed on an adult shitter, it fits right inside the seat, and keeps the little tot from falling off. It also has a splash guard, to keep the little guy from spraying all over the place (this is in the front middle of the seat). One can also take the seat, and the lid off, and make the bowl into a little stool, so little dudes can tinkle in the big person potty, or use it to wash their hands.
Like I said, this an amazing device, and it played a prominent role in my parental history.
I didn’t have time to get it dis-assembled, as he was already crapping when I got him in there. I got his pants, and diaper off, and sat him down, threw away the half filled diaper and cheered him on.
When he finally “pushed” through the barrier, and went on the potty for us, we were so excited. Potty training had taken a huge step forward.
There, in the potty, was a little mini-turd.
“Now what?” Was pretty much exactly what came to mind. That may have been the first time I realized there was a design flaw to this amazing device. Unless I leave the seat off, and keep it ready to use on the big boy toilet, someone is gonna have to scoop crap out of this thing.
Stupid Germans.
The good news is, the D-man was excited about this event as I was (before I realized I would be scooping a turd, and cleaning a bowl). He also, proved once and for all, he is my son.
He discovered that if he sat on the potty with his legs together, his wiener would “vanish”. Then, when he opened them, there it would be, and it cracked him up. He even started throwing in a “peekaboo”, and then laughed hysterically. This of course caused me to laugh really hard, and then him even harder. This went on for a good 5 minutes, until I realized not only did I have to put a new diaper on him, but i had to clean up a little mini-turd.
In the end, the big step forward in the world of potty training was totally worth it.
That, and knowing my son inherited my gene that makes him think flashing his wiener to people is hilarious.

On Second Thought

February 23, 2010

The euphoria of last nights Olympic hockey win over the Canuck’s has worn off.
The joy of seeing my teams goalie “stand on his head” as the Canadians say (although I’m pretty sure an upside down goalie would be almost as horrible as a quadriplegic goalie) is a distant memory. Watching a Buckeye put the dagger through all of Canada’s heart, okay that is still pretty awesome, and will be used in sentence number 2 every time I cross path’s with a Canadian.
The point is, as happy as I am about the win, I’m now pissed.
Pissed, because it could have been so much more.
So much more for the U.S. of A. So much more for the Olympics, and most importantly, so much more for Hockey.
The thing that bothers me the most in this world, is stupidity. I have no time for it. Sure, there is drunk stupidity, which is always hilarious, but then there is the other kind. The darker kind. The stupider kind.
The kind that costs people money, time, and cuts down the quality of life.
You see kids, last night was the perfect opportunity, for NBC, and hockey, to showcase a great product.
You had USA vs. Canada.
A showdown between border rivals. The Olympics for God’s sake. Live, in primetime. A day short of the 30 year anniversary of the Miracle on Ice.
Not to mention it was on the same network that has the contract to the Stanley Cup finals, and other showcase NHL games, and has struggled getting people to watch, and sponsors to sign on.
Hmmmm. What would one do if they wanted to promote a great product, that mainline consumers were slow to latch on to?
Should we put it on the main network, a broadcast network, on a sunday night, during the Olympics when people who don’t usually watch are tuned in, when millions of willing viewers want to see something different from what they get the rest of the year, when one team represents an entire nation, and half of the other team represents our close allies, but also the stars of the NHL teams our biggest markets have to offer, on pretty much the anniversary of American hockey’s grandest day?
Or should we put in on MSNBC, and hope all the folks who were looking for Keith Olberman, and Rachel Maddow spilling liberal rhetoric will become die hard hockey fans?
Obviously, NBC, the Network that has the Stanley Cup contract, chose the retarded option. Instead of selling their product to millions of willing viewers, they showed Ice Dancing. something they have no revenue interest in.
It’s the equivalent of a car salesman convincing you that roller-blading is the option that’s right for you, even though you have a big bag full of money, and need a car.
So because of this, I have boycotted, all things Olympic for one entire night.
No Ice skating (even though Ice Dancing shouldn’t really count, and some of the chicks are pretty hot), no Bob sledding, or any alpine sports for that matter. I even erased the Curling that was on my DVR.
Tonight, no Olympics. All CBS sitcoms, and DVR’d How I met Your Mother episodes, which for some reason is also on Lifetime?
Tomorrow, I will return to the Olympics, as I should.
Instead of sitting back, and enjoying the Olympic grandeur, I will take note of every sponsor (with a little help from my dear friend Morgan Freeman), and boycott all those bastards, because they took part in a blatant display of stupidity.
This should be punishment enough, I’m sorry it had to come to this, but I had to do it.
Not that this is out of the way, everyone, please watch Hockey, even if it is on NBC. Olympic Hockey, is pretty awesome, and with a little luck the USA will win gold. And since we beat the Canadian’s, they are on the verge of pulling off the greatest national choke job since Monica Lewinski. 
It’s gonna be awesome. Unless those Canadian bastards pull off the Miracle.

USA! USA! USA!

February 21, 2010

Barring a major collapse, the team with the quality healthcare is going to prevail in hockey.
USA and Canada are going at it as we speak.
It’s 4-2 good guys, and I’m loving it.
Sure, this game doesn’t mean all that much. Shit!
I hate Sidney Crosby. Now it’s 4-3 good guys, but I’m still loving it.
The Americans came out firing from the start. Out hustling the Canucks, beating them along the boards, and utilizing our speed to cancel out the fact that the entire roster on team Canada, are NHL all-stars.
Ryan Miller has been a beast, our defense has been strong, and smart, despite the fact that Canada has taken 400 shots. It’s been a shooting gallery the whole 3rd period, and unless you either love hockey, or MSNBC, you missed it.
Empty-netter!!!! We Win! Take that you Socialized bastards!
The crowd has been awesome this game. USA fans showed up, and kept the home fans in check for the most part. I gotta say, after Ryan Miller stood up to the massive shooting barrages, taking everything the home team could shoot at him, the Canadian crowd was pretty classy, and gave him standing O’s. He may have given up 3 goals, but he put on one hell of a show.
This game, may not have been an elimination game, but it’s gonna have a huge impact on the rest of the Olympics.
We get the number 1 seed. An extra day of rest, and a little breathing room going into the medal round.
on the flip side, Canada, the heavy favorite, is now the 6th seed. They have no room for error, and the pressure that was on them to win, has just multiplied. They went into this, knowing that anything short of winning it all was failure. There was no “positives” they could take away from a loss. They had to win, and you could see it on their faces. Now, that monkey on their back is going to be huge. They’re an awesome team, and could easily run the table from here on out, but they could also collapse.
Whats’s worse is the fans. This is gonna kill them. They still have hope, but the confidence is now rattled. If they blow this, you do not want to buy anything Tim Hortons for a month or two, cause whomever made your food, or coffee, may be on suicide watch.
This was an amazing hockey game, between two really good teams. it wasn’t the miracle on ice, but it had that feeling of being bigger than the moment. It was just a preliminary round game, both teams were gonna move on, but it felt bigger than that.
The sad part is, nobody watched. Regular NBC cut to it at the end, but this was a game you wanted to watch from start to finish. I’m sure the Bob-sled or the Ice Dancing was too important to show USA/Canada in the Olympics. Even if you are just a casual Olympics or Hockey fan, or even if you know nothing about Hockey, this was the game to watch. On one side, you had the Americans. A young team, with way less experience, and talent, but they played smart, and they played fast. On the other team you had the Canadians. Pretty much an entire squad of all-stars, and most of these guys play on American teams. NBC’s Hockey coverage is top notch. The crowd was great for both teams, and it was the freaking Olympics!
If this goes to a rematch, you have to watch. Tat’s all there is to it.
The NHL may be running itself into the ground. They have the worst television deal of any major sport, and it’s a shame that it impacted who got to watch this game.
This was everything you wanted out of a hockey match, and then some. This was the game to watch. Instead of being a lead story in the world of sports, it fell into the shadow of Ice Dancing, and Tiger Woods press conference.
Come on world, just watch hockey. Give it a chance, I promise you’ll like it.

Olympic Update

February 18, 2010

As we near the one week mark of the Winter Olympics, there has been a lot of action.
The big story this year, is how the U.S. Women’s Curling team doesn’t have the quasi-hot twins from Minnesota that were there last time out. How, in this day and age, do we have a system that instead of sending a team with hot blonde twins on it, we send a team that “wins” a tournament? I am outraged, but I keep watching the Curling.
Both American squads, might just suck at Curling this year. Both teams are close to winning every match, but figure out a way to blow it. The captain on the Men’s team, can’t roll a clutch stone to save his life. This has motivated me to chase my Olympic curling dream. I figure as progressive as the Winter Games are, by the time I learn Curling, and get good enough at it to make the Olympics, drinking beer while you Curl will be accepted.
The figure skating (dudes) is going on right now. I can’t figure out if it is good for America as a whole that our dude figure skaters are clearly gay, and most of the other countries dude figure skaters seem to all have wife’s/girlfriends? The only thing keeping our skaters from bursting into flames, is the fact that they are on ice.
I do think I might start wearing shirts with sleeves with feathers at the cuff though.
We had a big night/day as a nation yesterday. 3 of our big name athletes, all with a decent amount of pressure on them won gold, and we re-claimed the medal lead from the dirty krauts.
This years batch of snowboard chicks, may be hotter than ever. This is what silently separates the winter, and Summer Olympics. For a lot of the Winter events, you don’t have to look like Serena Williams to be good, or even awesome at your sport. Compared to the Summer games, the chicks in the Winter Olympics blow them away. Sure, there are some exceptions, but they are few and far between. Gretchen Blier, may have fallen on both runs in the finals, but she should have clearly won gold, just on hotness. The Australian chick who won is pretty nice also, though a tad toothy for my tastes.
America’s Hockey squad is looking strong, and getting stronger. As they get used to playing with each other, they will get better, so don’t count them out.
Canada, looked like everyone expected an NHL all-star team to look in game 1. They had to go to a shoot-out in game 2. The pressure is so high on these guys, that the slightest slip up could cause them to spiral out of control. If they would have lost to the Swiss today, there would be panic alarms all over the great white north.
Shaun White, is insane. Everyone had 4 years to catch him. Anything short of a gold, would have been failure for him. What did he do? He locked up the gold easily, and didn’t even need to use his second run. What did he do for a victory lap? He blew his first run out of the water. This guy, is simply amazing. To be able to watch someone so dominant, so far ahead of a pretty impressive field is incredible. He’s like Tiger woods was pre-thanksgiving
, except he has red hair and isn’t a sociopath.
There is so much more to come.
The Ski-X, where 4 skiers race each other down an ice-covered mountain.
Hockey is just getting warmed up.
Chick figure skating is this weekend.
The Bob-sled, freestyle skiing, and of course, more curling.
Throw in the hot chicks, and it’s a recipe for me watching waaaay too much television.

Blizzard?

February 15, 2010

Blizzard.
it’s a simple word, but to many different people, it can mean many different things.
For those folks in the American South who are looking out their window and seeing a few inches of snow, they might be certain it was a blizzard who made this mess.
For folks in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, a few inches of snow is like a mosquito on the arm.
In Canada, a foot of snow is like a traffic jam. It can cause a few problems, but there are other ways around it.
Truth be told, the definition of a blizzard is different in America (obviously this is the right answer), different in Canada, different in England, and then different on mainland Europe. All similar, but different rules define it in these different countries.
In asia, a blizzard means everyone dies. This is also known as Bird Flu, or the Plague.
The reason i know all this, is for about a 3 month period 9 years ago, all I watched in the winter time was The Weather Channel. In fact, I almost knew enough about the gulf stream to earn a P.H.D. If Meteorology was respectable enough to be considered something one could earn a doctorate in. This all changed, when Jim Cantore never RSVP’d to my wedding. So what if we never actually met. How hard would it have been to reply No, or even to send us some Highball glasses?
Since then, I have been bitter about what it takes to make it officially a Blizzard.
Total snowfall, wind mph, temperature, visibility. You name it, I take note, just to see if it is actually a blizzard. You’d be surprised how difficult it is to actually be a blizzard. unless of course you live in the UK, and then a light fog is a blizzard.
Pansies.
Recently, i had to correct someone, who attended a “blizzard” party.
We had gotten a shitload of snow, (14 inches in these parts) but the wind, and visibility fell short of making it an official blizzard.
Since then, we have gotten another 4 inches or so of snow. Then an inch. Then a couple more inches.
All the while, it never got warm enough to melt.
It just kept adding up.
At first it was cool. It usually fell during the weekend, or close enough to it. All I had to do, was make a huge vat of soup, hit the liquor store, and we were all set.
Now, things have changed. It was supposed to only be a dusting. Then an inch or so. Then 4-6 inches. (this forecast all changed in the course of about 16 hours) Now we have gotten about another 9-10 inches, and it is still snowing.
We’re low on soup, and in even worse shape on booze. I may have to tie together all my ropes, strings, curtains, shoelaces, and extension cords, tie them around my waist, and hope I can trek to the liquor store, and make it back safely. If all else fails, I can sniff a bunch of spray-paint, and dig up my neighbors cable line, and use that for extra length.
Anywho, we have a shitload of snow. and there is no end in sight.
I can scrape by with the booze I have, but the snow is adding up.
The pile at the edges of my driveway is now as tall as I am, and that is after the last two snowfalls were shoveled well over the top of the pile.
I’m in dire straits here people. I have nowhere to put more snow.
You can’t even tell my house is for sale, because the sign is all but buried. My lamp post, has about another foot before it is buried, and then darkness will rule the day (night).
The asshole plow guy, is nowhere to be found, and even if he does come, I have nowhere to put the snow he tosses into my driveway.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel however.
Not with the weather, winter will keep giving us all she has to offer.
I have officially declared the month of February 2010 a blizzard.
It may fall short of the standards set by various agencies, but who gives a shit? It’s officially a blizzard. If it does not melt before it snows again, it all counts as one, therefore, the 2 feet plus of snow we have, makes this a blizzard. It’s cold, it’s white, and I am low on scotch. One of my best friends’ wife is waiting in Labor (all good blizzard stories involve a baby of some sorts). There was a 40 car pile up just of my ramp to work this afternoon. (Thankfully Dylan’s daycare was closed today, and I was already home, or I may still be sitting there debating whether or not to drink my Gatorade bottle full-o-pee).
The icing on the cake, I have declared tomorrow a snow day.
No more making homemade soup.
I am defrosting the grill. I am going to make my giant snow pile into an awesome fort. My son and I will build a snowman. I will teach him to make snow angels, and of course, snow angels with huge penises. I will even drink wine if I have too.
I am going to enjoy this.
The blizzard of February 2010, will be my bitch.
When the asshole plow guy comes, he’s gonna get a windshield full of snowballs, that have not only been dunked in water, stuck in the freezer, and but are all strangely yellow, and smell like bourbon, and coffee.
So enjoy this my snow logged friends. It is a blizzard. At least by my standards.
Remember though, when there is a blizzard, 40 weeks later there is often a lot of babies.

The Winter Games

February 13, 2010

It’s finally here. The Winter Olympics.
Unlike most of Americans, I am a Winter Olympics kind of guy. In an age where most people don’t care about any Olympics, and those who do favor the Summer games, I am a dying breed.
There’s just something about the Winter Olympics that gets me. Maybe it’s the beauty of nature in the outdoors sports, maybe it’s the total lack of smelly Brazilians, or the plethora of Swedish chicks. Whatever, I love it.
These games, are soo much better than the summer games. In the summer games, they waste too much time on swimming events. I love the swimming, but they could get by with about half as many categories. What the difference was between events in about half of Michael Phelps events, nobody knows. It all blends in after about 4 events.
In the winter games, this distinction goes to the speed skating. The difference is, when the guys mess up in a pool, they just have a shitty time. Here, they go flying into a wall.
It’s awesome. The best, is when the entire field gets taken out, and they all crash into the wall, and tumble over each other trying to get back to their feet, on ice.
Then you have the skiing events. When these guys mess up, it’s an avalanche of people, and ugly clothing. The slightest error, and somebody is going to end up head over heels rolling down a snow covered mountain.
You don’t get that with Beach Volleyball.
The Winter Olympics also gives us the best collection of team sports. In the summer games, you get Soccer and Basketball. The U.S. blows at Soccer, and most of the basketball games are worse than NBA pre-season games. If team USA just doesn’t have a collection of misfits, and puts forward about 60% effort, they win gold.
Not so with Hockey. About half the teams in Olympic Hockey, actually have a shot at winning gold. Like NHL Playoffs, a hot goalie can change everything. Throw in the fact that when Canada doesn’t win gold, it ruins their entire nation, economy and all for about 2 years. On the flip side, is Women’s hockey. I could maybe, if nothing else was on watch USA Women’s hockey, but other than that, it’s completely un-watchable, and for some reason NBC and it’s affiliates is showing a ton of it.
This year, team USA has the best goalie from last years NHL season, and maybe the best goalie from this season. Though they somehow screwed R.J. Umberger out of a roster spot, they could pull off an upset.
Perhaps the greatest sport of all, and the one I want to play the most, is Curling. Oh how I dream of having a Curling rink in my backyard, and also for that to be socially acceptable in Central Ohio. Not only is it awesome to watch, but it could be the only Olympic sport I could be decent at. It’s also perfect for drinking beer while you play. As long as you stay sober enough to keep your feet on the ice, you’re in good shape.
If you’ve never watched Curling, it’s totally amazing. It’s like shuffleboard, and not the crappy old people shuffleboard, but the kind you play in bars with sand, and little disks, and of course, beer. In years past, team USA’s women’s team, was anchored by two hot twins. I sooooo hope they are back this year. It’s usually on really early in the morning, and on MSNBC, or USA or some retarded Network like that, but it’s so worth your time.
It is hands down, the greatest Olympic sport to watch. The only thing that would be able to beat it is if the swimmers, or beach volleyball players, were anything hotter than a 6.
Until then, Curling is king. And god I hope those twins are back.
From Luge, to Bobsled, to Skeleton, the winter Olympics has it all. If you’ve ever sledded before, they’ve found a way to make it awesome, and deadly all at the same time.
They even have events where you have to ski through a woods, and shoot things.
How many summer Olympic sports are there based on German dudes bringing home supper?
There are of course sports you wouldn’t watch, but since it’s the Olympics you do.
Figure skating. It blows, but since you want to see the USA win, you kind of have to watch. Plus, it’s the sport most likely to provide tears when someone bites it.
Figure skating, is a sport. As gay as it is, it’s definitely a sport, unlike it’s retarded step-sister Ice Dancing. For those who don’t know the difference, it’s essentially figure skating, minus any need for athletic skill. No jumps, no throws, just a skinny chick, and a gay dude twirling around the ice to shitty music. Sure, the USA team is a favorite, and the on chick is quasi-hot, but it still does not make Ice Dancing a sport. It should be banned, along with rhythmic gymnastics.
What other sport is there, where they’ve taken away the the athletic aspects, and still consider it a sport?
Slow-pitch softball?
So here they are everyone, the Winter Olympics.
It only comes around once every 4 years, so give it a chance.
If for no other reason than to make Canadians feel good about being Canadian. Sure, they almost didn’t get the torch lit, but they got it lit none the less.
Yeah, they may have had waaaaay too many Molson’s when they designed the Luge track, and some poor guy got killed. (Am I the only one who asked “why is there great big steal posts with no padding right there” when I saw the video).
The point is, the Olympics are back, and for a limited time only. Never mind the 90000000 McDonalds commercials, and Morgan Freemans voice every 45 seconds. Forget that NBC only shows you their version of the Olympics, and won’t let you see any highlight’s anywhere.
None of that matter.
It’s the Olympics. It’s about HD television, and people wiping out on snow, or ice, and the occasional hot chick.
There are actually a few.

The Job Of All Jobs

February 12, 2010

For the better part of my adult life, my dream job has been to be the bullpen catcher for the Cincinnati Reds.
I would get to be a Quasi-Red, with only the perks, and none of the downfalls. You can walk out of the clubhouse with the team, and take advantage of clueless groupies. Party in the hotel, with the team, and their groupies. You really wouldn’t have to work, just every once in a while get up, grab your mit, and catch baseball’s thrown by not very good pitchers. After a while, you would tell the bullpen coach how they were doing, what pitches were working, and what were not. Being that it is the Reds, you could just say they all sucked, it is afterall the Reds.
Now, we all know, that small market teams like the Reds, repeatedly fire coaches at various positions, year after year. This is way easier than actually getting good players, and it keeps naive fans hoping that things are getting better. It goes like this.
Pitching sucks, team loses a lot of games. Fire the bullpen coach.
Team still blows, fire the pitching coach.
A year or so later, the team amazingly still sucks, they fire the manager.
If it goes into five shitty years, they fire the G.M., and then the whole process starts over.
For teams like the Reds, this can go on for decades, and for all we know, they have the same bullpen catcher the entire time.
This of course explains why they have yet to answer any of my calls, or respond to my resumes I keep sending them.
They just don’t hire bullpen coaches I guess.
Now, I’ve moved forward with my dream.
I’ve found a new cause.
While watching the new HBO show about NASCAR driver Jimmy Johnson, I’ve had yet one more epiphany.
This time two jobs that I know I can excel at.
First, there is a guy that drives a car/SUV onto the tarmac to pick Jimmy Johnson up from his private jet, and take him to the track. Since you are picking up the greatest driver in the world not named Schumacher, you just hand him the keys, get out of the way, and every once in a while pass a drug test. When you “drop” him off, you let him drive, watch him get on a plane, and drive the car/SUV back to base, and pass another drug test.
Being one who likes a challenge, I think this job is below me, but it would do in a pinch.
However, there is an even better job.
His pit crew, while training, can’t simply take tires on, and off of a car that is sitting still. They need to test their skills on the real deal.
They have a guy, whom all he does is, drive a car into the practice pit area, slam on the brakes, and let’s the real pit guys change his tires, and put in gas, then he take sback off, and the process repeats itself.
All he has to do, is not run over any pit guys, and pass the occasional drug test. Stopping a car in the correct area is also kind of important, but could be figured out after the 30th attempt or so.
Passing a drug test, and not killing anyone with a race car is about as high as the bar goes on this one. Not breaking the car just adds to the Christmas bonus. Let’s not forget the perks that have to come with this job. Beer, groupies, and I’m guessing all-access to any Lowes in America.
This has my name written all over it.
So Jimmy Johnson, if you catch the guy who does this job staring at your model wife’s boobs, and want to replace him, look me up.
I promise, that after a few months on the job, I can do this without running down any pit crew guys.

White Death Returns

February 9, 2010

Over the weekend, 14 inches of snow blanketed my life.
It was all good, I had been to both the liquor store, and the grocery, and it was a weekend. Throw in the Super Bowl, and it was the perfect recipe for R&R.
other than the snow shoveling, it really wasn’t a huge deal.
Today however, it was a little different. By the time I was up and getting ready, another inch had already landed, and it was going to keep up for several hours. This sucked.
Schools were closing, businesses were letting out early, even the D-man’s daycare was shutting down early. Everyone but me.
I had a meeting I had to go to, and also had to drive on some very questionable roads. I made it there and back safe, and no major harm was done. The big problem, was going to be shoveling this batch of snow.
The sheer volume of snow over the weekend, coupled with the fact that it hasn’t been warm enough to melt since, means that the spots where I toss the shoveled snow, is really piling up. I always “think about” tossing it so far into my yard, just in case it snows more, but usually just end up getting it out of the way as fast as possible.
This was a bit of a problem tonight. The piles next to my driveway are already chest high, meaning I either need to invest in a snow blower, Jedi mind trick my wife into doing it, or heave shovels full of snow over the pile and out of the way, thus risking finishing off what remains of my rotator cuff, or having a heart attack.
More snow is on the way. Another 2-4 over night they say, which is fine with me.
I’ve learned that the best approach is to do it in shifts, every 4 inches or so, and drink heavily while doing it. I live on a good drink/shoveling street. I’ve drank and shoveled with 5 different neighbors, some of which trade their snow-blower for cold beer from time to time. I have learned, that unless you have an insane amount of snow, or don’t feel like drinking, shoveling is the way to go. It’s decent excercise, and mush safer to operate a shovel after 6 beers, than it is to operate a snow-blower. Plus, learning to run a snow blower on the fly, in a really heavy snow, can be a bitch.
So despite the fact that I no longer have anywhere to put the snow, and I only have enough beer/scotch for a couple more days unless I get reinforcements, I’m rather enjoying all this. We had, what I like to call, a breakthrough moment.
Today, my son and I, finally played in the snow. We’ve been out in it before, but this was the first real deal snow adventure for us. The D-man, is extremely picky about his footwear. He pretty much throws a huge fit if we put his snow boots on him. He acts like they weigh 100 pounds, and walks like a Nazi in them. It’s funny to watch, but only for a moment, and then he gets really pissed. In fact, he hates it when we try to make him wear anything other than white Nike shoes. This is going to make College Basketball Scholarships, and future shoe deals interesting for him, but I digress.
Today, we finally got the boots on him, as well as his mittens, coat, and hat, before he could get them all stripped off. I whisked him into the backyard, as he was bawling his eyes out, and we started playing in the snow.
It was awesome.
As soon as he was in the knee-deep snow, he forgot about his boots, and started loving it. We threw snowballs at my shithead dog, which he thought was the funniest thing in the world. He even fell over from laughing so hard, and we got it all on film. We learned about not eating yellow snow, and other important life lessons. We tried to build a snowman, but my shithead dog ate it, so we threw more snowballs at him. It went on, and on, and we both loved every minute. He didn’t want to go back inside, and I think he actually likes his boots now. By the way, he can walk normally in snow while wearing the boots, but on a normal surface, he goes back to the Nazi goose-step.
So now, I’m not worried about the too big to shovel over pile of snow next to my driveway. It’ll make a bad-assed fort tomorrow, and now, I don’t have to worry about what anyone thinks. Instead of being the weird drunk 30 year old guy building a snow fort by himself, I’m being a loving father.
Life is good my friends.
You can’t teach your son to make a snow angel when it’s 60 degrees outside, or throw snow balls at a shithead dog for that matter.
Life is good. Let it snow.