Fallen Hero’s

March 31, 2009

I gotta say that today, I’m a little down in the dumps. Memphis killed my chance at winning my pool, and Michigan State finished off any chance I had at finishing in the money. Then, things got worse. One of my all-time hero’s, has had a fall from grace, and another, who is now my newest hero, I really didn’t discover, until he fell from grace. Who are these folks you might ask?
Vince, the spokesman for Sham-WOW, one of the people I look up to the most, has been charged with beating up a hooker. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0330091newsham1.htmlI first heard this news yesterday, when a friend called me to alert me of the details. I was a bit shaken up, Vince is someone I try to pattern my life after. I have no idea how well the shamwow works, (it is made in Germany after all) nor do I care. Info-mercial guys are what I consider our nations greatest resource. For too long, Billy Mays, the Oxy-clean guys has been on top of the info-mercial world. I should have taken him out when i saw him at that gas station outside of Dayton OH, but I failed. Vince was going to be the guy who brought him down, and now this news comes out. Where will we go from here people? I do admit, I have dreamed about throwing my hat into the info-mercial spokesperson ring, but I know I have my limitations. I have always kinda considered myself as one of the “before” actors on these commercials. you know, the guy who struggles with pretty much every aspect of whatever random task he is doing, until they reveal the product, and it changes his entire life. I can hurt my back while trying to do gardening. I can smear caulking all over the place with my fist. I can do this, if I just put my mind to it. It’s been a dream of mine for some time. I could even be the old lady who gets screwed in BINGO, because she didn’t hear what numbers were called, or the lady who just can’t get to the phone, because her blanket doesn’t have sleeves like the Snuggy. I think this is the job I was born to do, but info-mercial spokesperson, now that has me nervous. I don’t know if I have what it takes to do that. I am obnoxious, but am I obnoxious enough? I am supposed to go to Miami this summer, maybe I can practice by punching a hooker when I’m there. I’m sure my wife will love that.
All I know is this, the world of the info-mercial stars has been ripped apart by the Shamwow guys arrest. Can I be the one to fill this void, or am I just having my mid-life crisis a little early?

My newest hero, and a man I am now going to pattern my life after, Kile Wygle, from Ohio’s finest city, Newark, is now my all-time favorite criminal.  http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0331091stool1.htmlWygle, who may or may not have been auditioning for a role on Reno 911, was arrested, and charged with DUI after crashing his motorized bar stool. To all of you budding criminals out there, please, please take after Mr. Wygle. His creativity is rare these days, and we need more of that during these troubled times. Not only building a motorized bar stool, but then getting drunk, crashing it, calling 911, and pretty much turning yourself in…well done young man, well done indeed.



March 31, 2009

Today, catastrophe visited our house. It was a long time coming really. The weekend started off great. I got a call from the daycare about 2:00, saying I had to pick up my son, who had diarrhea, and was being sent home. Apparently, their policy on the squirts is a little more strict than the policy i hold myself to, but it was nice to have an actual excuse for once, as opposed to having to make up a reason to knock off a few hours early on a friday. Later that evening, I went and met my grandmother at a bar (which is not only 100% true and verified, but also the front runner for the title to my auto-biography). It was my favorite bar, we had some wings, some beer, and caught up. Like I said, a good night. Saturday was a bit of a wash. We had planned on heading out of town for a 30th birthday gathering, and to see friends who were back in the country, after a stint in over-seas (south america, but depending on where you fly out of, it may be over a sea). The diarrhea played a role here as well. We had to abort the travel plans, in hopes that the big man would get some rest, so he didn’t still have the runs, and make us miss work on monday as well ( no basketball on monday). Like most great plans of mine, this one went down hard. My son was for whatever reason awake most of the night on saturday, meaning nobody got the rest we stayed home for. So then on sunday we headed out of town, and were back later that evening. Even though it was just a day trip, we still had to pack plenty of crap, which meant we had to unload a lot of crap as well.
fast forward to monday morning.

I was just getting in the shower, when my wife, whom was already running late, came back into the house, rather angry. Apparently her battery was dead. Much of her rage was about how there was no reason her vehicle should have a dead battery. I agreed with her on that much, it is under warranty. So instead of a shower, I threw on whatever random clothing I could reach, and went out to fix this problem, and to settle my wife down ( I was willing to settle for one out of two on this one). Like all husbands when they hear their wife’s car has a dead battery, I tried to start it myself (cause there was such a huge chance it would actually start for me, and I had yet to shower, or have coffee). She was right, it was dead. I also noticed the dome light switch was on. I said nothing about this little fact, it would be my trump card for when my wife got really pissed. So to the jumper cables I went. I’m a bit of a pro at jump-starting cars. For whatever reason, I carry jumper cables in my vehicle all the time. I figure if I jump-start one other persons car each year, this gives me free range to be an asshole the rest of the time. For whatever reason, japanese vehicles need to be jump started a different way than all the other cars i have jump started. As soon as the last cable was connected, my wifes alarm started blaring. It’s not that crappy Radio Shack alarm, but the built-in horn alarm, which is really loud, really early in the morning. When one has not showered, or had coffee, after a long weekend, and is standing over the hood of a car who’s horn is for whatever reason blaring, really early in the morning, you kinda just freeze. As soon as my brain started back up, I realized, I had to turn off the panic button. The key chain panic button was not working. I ran inside, yelled for my wife to get the spare key, so she could hit the panic button. After what seemdlike 20 minutes, (but was likely much less) of me standing in front of a blaring horn, in my shorts (no underwear) coat (no under-shirt) and boots (no socks, you’re welcome for the visual), my wife came out withthat crappy 3rd key they give you. the one that is just a regular old key, with no electrical devices for things such as the car alarm. I admit, I did not handle this well. I decided to act. My knowledge of cars is limited, I admit, but I am a champion at figuring shit out, to an adequate level at least. I started yanking out fuzes, until the noises stopped (if only I could do this with the voices in my head). I could always read the guide and replace the necessary fuses once the blaring horn had stopped. Finally, the noise had stopped, however, once the horn started blaring, I kinda freaked, and killed the engine, so the charge didn’t last that long, and the battery was soon dead again. Time to start the process over. For whatever reason, I thought, maybe, just maybe, the alarm won’t go off this time, so I replaced all the fuses, and the re-jump-started my wife’s car. No dice. The fucking horn, might have gotten louder actually. Now my wife was yelling things about being “really” late, and I was shouting back a rant about the Japanese auto industry, that would make a sailor with tourettesyndrome blush. So back to yanking out fuses I went. Finally, we decided that we would load our son into my car, drive my wife to work, come home, unload my son, I would shower, pack the daycare bag, then take my kid to daycare. Once my brain was adequately doused with coffee, I could address the damned car.
So, I had fried something in the electrical system, no biggie. After a little tinkering, I had the alarm actually off, the fuses for the horn, and turn signals 9which had been going off) replaced, and all systems were a go. Yeah, the radio no longer works, and says CODE ERR-R (stupid japanese, can’t even spell right) but all is well. I even drove it to pick my wife up. As far as i know everything else still works, even the God damned dome light.
So we had a nice little test in crisis management for our entire family, and I have to say, we failed pretty badly. I gave myself a C- ( like I said, I had not showered, or had coffee) but my wife got an F. Had she brought the spare key that actually had the electronic thingy, she would have passed, even though it would not have mattered, as my semi-asleep jump start seemed to cause a few shorts in the system. So we live, and we learn. I guess I’m gonna have to re-think my stance on the Americanauto industry. I had as recently as a few weeks ago, sworn them off for life, but I do have to say this. Never once have I jump started an American vehicle, and caused the alarm to sound. I’d also like to apologize to anyone we woke up with our blaring horn, and my excessive profanity. We live, and we learn.

Vigilante Time

March 27, 2009

I’ve sat on the sidelines for too long. The time has come for action, and I am ready to answer the call to serve, for the greater good of my nation. No, I’m not joining the military, their policy on drinking on duty is a little strict for my tastes, and the same goes for traditional law enforcement. I’ve decided to follow my lifelong dream, of being a crime fighter. Vigilante justice in Columbus OH is about to get a new face. Mine.

Last night, I was on top of the world. I had recently discovered that if memphis was to win the NCAA tourney, I was garunteed to win my pool, and my Jackets had just mopped the ice with the Calgary Flames, a team we might face in the playoffs. Shortly after sharing my joy with the world, Memphis went down hard, but I still had my revamped Blue Jackets, and our stud rookie goalie Steve mason to fall back on. And then, I saw this http://www.1460thefan.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2009/03/27/abluemason.html?sid=101  and this http://ca.sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Flames-fan-arrested-after-death-threats-during?urn=nhl,151007  I’m not gonna take this sitting down, oh no. Many of you have lost the rage you felt after 9/11, but my rage is back. The world, is trying to stop my Blue jackets from getting into the playoffs, for the first time ever.
Some donkey raping shit eater Clagary fan, has been arrested for threatening to kill our star goalie, after he put up another shutout vs. a playoff team. Normally, I applaud idiots who make jackass decisions, and make news for us to laugh at, but not this time. this time, it hits way too close to home. So I’ve decided to take action. I figure if some random idiot hockey fan can try this, then one can only imagine what ways groups like Al Qaeda, North Korea, and Red Wings fans can be plotting at taking down my team. One can only assume there are evil forces lurking behind the scenes, trying to keep the Jackets out of the playoffs. So I’ve decided, the best course for action is for me to step up personally, and help out the Jackets star goalie. Anyone I see with another NHL teams gear on, is going to get a hockey stick to the head. Anyone who still plays NHL hockey for sega genesis, can expect the same (blob hockey for the old school Atari gets a hallpass). I’m going to go ahead and volunteer my services to personally protect goaltender Steve Mason. I figure the best way to help out, is to sit in his driveway, and drink beer all night, just to make sure nobody tries anything cute. I can imagine having some weird looking American sitting in his driveway drinking beer, might make Mason a little uncomfortable, as he is Canadian. That’s why I’ll be doing it while wearing a really tall stocking hat, to make him feel more “at home”. If anyone is going to get to our goalie, they’re gonna have to get through me. So there it is evil-doers of the world. i have put you on notice. The jackets will make the playoffs, if it costs me my life. I’m ready to answer the call, and the rest of you should also. Unless you play basketball for memphis, in which case you are dead to me.


March 26, 2009

Things might not be able to get any better than they are right now, in this moment in Christory.

My Blue Jackets, just finished sticking it to the Calgary flames, to bring us one step closer to that magical first ever playoff birth. This was a huge game for the Jackets, who can’t clinch this thing soon enough. The boys in Blue answered the call on this night. As my new favorite website www.canadiansexacts.org would say, we gave them a Manitoba Milk Bag in classic form. The only way life could get any better, is if I could talk my wife into a Halifax Fudge Badger or even a Reverse Rick Moranis That would be sweet. It’d be even sweeter if Mike Seaver’s dad would tell me exactly what these things mean, but I’ll take it.
On top of all this, I’ve discovered a loophole that can get me another NCAA bracket win. A Memphis victory. Come on Memphis, you’re my only hope. If you bastards lose, I’m gonna have to break down, shred my bracket, and root for underdogs. I hate underdogs.
B.J. mullens has decided to go Pro! Wooohooo. I know, a lot of Buckeye fans are wondering where we’re going to find the almost 8 points a game we’re gonna be missing when he leave’s, but fear not. This is the best addition via subtraction to hit one of my teams since Adam Dunn got traded to the Diamondbacks in return for a time share in Glendale.
I don’t have to drive to Cincy tomorow for work. That’s a huge plus, but it also means no Big Bacon Classic, which does sting a little.

The biggest news, revolves around the blogworld. We have eclipsed the 20,000 hit mark. For those of you who went to school in Allen county, that’s 20 thousand hits. In just over one years time, I have managed to match what a decent porn site does in about 3 hours, and I’ll take it. Thanks to everyone who checks this site out, even you bastards who got here by mistake, while searching ‘google’ for help with your “Huge Clitoris”. Speaking of which, the thing that has my spirits the highest, the one thing I have dreamed about for years….here it is….”Side Boob” is officially a search engine term, that leads people to this site. 3 days in a row, side boob got punched into a search engine, and brought some poor bastard, or their curious mom to this site. Welcome aboard side boob fans, you are one of us now.

A Night with the Stars

March 25, 2009

It’s usually not that difficult finding something for me to ramble on about, on this site. There’s plenty of things that piss me off on a daily basis. For the most part, the most difficult thing is finding the things that amuse me, or piss me off, that are either somewhat interesting to other people, or can at the very least be told in a way that sound interesting. There have been times, when the loyal visitors of this site have recommended something for me to blog about. The other day, an all time classic landed right in my lap.
I was sent a link to this site: http://gossipcbus.blogspot.com/2009/03/invite-celebrity-bartender-competition.html

How amazing! An event like this, right there in my own backyard! I’m not sure if this is to benefit something, or if people just have way too much time on their hands. Either way, this has to be the best thing to hit Columbus, since the serial sniper.

The part that stands out the most to me, is the celebrity bartenders. Celebrities, of any stature, make great, and entertaining fill-ins for almost any job you can think of. Reality t.v. has taught us, that nothing is greater than a celebrity stepping out of their element, trying something new, and making an ass of themselves in front of the general public. Most of the time we see it on the web, or on t.v. or both, like the Mel Gibson Arrest rant. Pure gold. This time, I can be a part of the action. Usually, I applaud celebrities trying new jobs, even when it’s destined to fail. Like Ron Artests rap career, or that movie Cindy Crawford was in with one of the Baldwin’s, where she showed boob. This time, the celebs have gone too far. Bartending, is not something anyone but trained professionals should try. It’s a job that requires both skill, and grace, and should only be left to our nations best and brightest. I don’t care if you used to pitch for the reds, unless your name is Rob Dibble, you better not fuck up my drink order.
The celebrities, which is a rather loose term on this one, include the following Central Ohioans:

Columbus Blue Jackets Stars, Rick Nash, and Mike Commodore
Former Buckeye, and ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit
Former MLB Pitcher, and Dublin native Kent Mercker
and Jimmy Jam (who upon brief research, is not the 80’s hip-hop star, but a local DJ of debated homo-sexuality)

What an all-star cast that is! I can’t wait to try Kirk Herbstreits homemade Mint Julep! He actually has a shot at being the best bartender here, as like most good bartenders, he usually only works a day or two each week, and that’s all seasonal.
Kent Mercker, may be the wild card on this one. Sure, he’s tossed a no-hitter, but he’s also one of the few living left handers, to not be invited to pitch for the Reds this season. The years of MLB experience means he has to know a thing or two about pounding booze. But, if anyone has seen him pitch for the Reds, you have to figure most of what he tries to pour into a glass is going to miss by at least a foot, and any bar patrons wearing a Cubs or Cardinals hat, will be able to run him off the mound in a heartbeat.
Not real sure on this Jimmy Jam fella, and frankly, don’t care.
The real “celebs” we should be worried about here, are the two Blue Jackets, Rick Nash, and Mike Commodore. Not only am I a little concerned about our unquestioned best player, team Captain, and leading scorer, and our best defender taking a night off to bartend during a playoff run, I also fear what will happen if you give hockey guys free range at a bar. Has anyone ever drank with Hockey guys? They’re like rednecks, with less common sense. Hockey guys are a bread all their own. Hockey guys, even the goalies, can drink them-self retarded, get their asses kicked, and then do it all over again, night after night. If anyone has ever drank with real deal mexicans, they know many of them drink glasses of tequila straight up. Hockey guys do the same thing, only with paint thinner. Canadian Hockey players, who are the far and away best in the business, use Molson to brush their teeth, and all the other hockey players of the world just try and keep up. If you are an American, and play hockey, killing all of your brain cells with grain alcohol, is the best way to raise your hockey skills, to the level of the Canadian players. I’m not sure letting them serve drinks to the general public is the best idea here. If you live in Columbus, and want to either get your ass kicked, or get a DUI, buying a few mixed drinks from the Blue Jackets finest, is the thing for you.

So I salute whomever came up with this plan, I really do. I may actually have to drop in on this, just to savor the stupidity. Hopefully this thing is a huge success, and it becomes a tradition that last’s long enough for Maurice Clarett to get out of prison. I’ve been dying to for him to make me a grey goose sea-breeze.

One Great Year

March 24, 2009

This past year, has been without a doubt, the fastest year of my life. One year ago at this time, my wife and I were waiting. Waiting for a baby. Sitting around, recording, and timing contractions, waiting to go to the hospital. When we got there, we waited some more, then went home. Then, we waited some more, went back in, and of course, waited some more. My wife, did all the work, and was awesome, and likely see’s the whole experience as more than just “waiting”, but I’m the one telling this story. Finally, the moment arrived, where we were able to meet our child, our son Dylan. It was the single coolest moment of my life. Easily eclipsing the runner up, which was a Reds game vs. the cubs in 1990, Billy Hatcher hit 4 doubles, and Lou Pinella threw first base, and I got to talk trash to my cubs fan neighbors the whole ride home. A great moment, but not nearly as awesome as seeing my son Dylan for the first time.

In the past year, we’ve had many, many more great moments. Every “first” brings us great joy, and pride. Watching him grow up is the most amazing thing I have ever been a part of. Even more amazing than the OSU national championship season, in which I played a major role. After all, I was at several Buckey games that season, and me getting my liquor confiscated at the Northwestern game, was the push they needed to get over the hump.

A lot has changed over this past year. A little less sleep, a whole new way of life. I have definitely been peed on, and thrown up on, far more this year, than any other year of my life, and I’ll take it. Pretty much everything my son does is awesome. Even when he does it at 4 in the morning, I still look back on it and smile.

So, this may not be the most cynical, nor the funniest of any of my posts, but it’s the story I’ve had the most fun living, and writing. This birthday, will be pretty low key. We had a small family gathering over the weekend, and the D man got a lot of cool stuff. The birthdays in the future, will be just as memorable, and even more exciting. I’m thinking Hooters will be the perfect spot to celebrate all the birthdays to come. Besides, once the soft spot is completely gone, it’ll be safe to take the big man to reds games, where he can learn about the important things in life. Heartbreak, and over priced beers. Maybe his old man will go streaking in his honor. Someday….

I’m Sorry

March 23, 2009

On behalf of The Big Ten, all it’s fans, college basketball, and humanity as a whole. I’d like to take a moment to apologize for what went down friday evening, in the NCAA tourney. At the same moment, in two different parts of the country, the two worst sporting events, in the history of mankind were taking place, both of which featured Big Ten teams.
Personally, I blame the selection committee, I tried to warn them, I tried to warn all of you, I even tried to blame myself. Yet, I still watched. Four teams, destined for a sure-fire ass kicking on sunday, struggled with the simplest of games. I tried to tell everyone, no big ten teams in this years tourney please! I give a hall pass to the two Michigan Schools. One, the clear cut best team in the confrence, with a chance to win at least two games, the other, a tough match-up when they are on their game. Well done Michigan schools, too bad you’ll both be worthless in football this season.

That OSU game….oh where to begin. Was it the worst game ever played? Could it top that stinker between Wisconsin and FSU? I think maybe. Just after the start of overtime in the OSU Siena game, I came up with a great idea. Before we release all the prisoners in Guantanemo, lets put up dueling flatscreens, and make them all watch the OSU/Siena and Wisconsin/FSU games, at the same time. They’ll admit to everything. Bin Laden will be captured before the sweet 16 starts. One has to wonder. How far into the Ohio State Siena game, before Rick Pitino just got up and left to go eat? How long before he realized scouting was pointless? I say 7 minutes. Here’s how Pitino’s pep talk should go against Siena. “Does everyone have their uniforms on?” And that’s pretty much it. Siena, ended up putting together a pretty good fight, but I gotta assume Louisville was mailing it in, and saving their energy for next weekend.
CBS, also should be ashamed for themselves. I guess to completely neutral fans, those were two exciting games, barring the first 39 minutes of regulation. CBS needs to learn that there is a such thing as a tape delay. They don’t have to switch broadcasts back and forth, just to keep busy. Just wait like 9 extra seconds before switching games. The only way we know whats going on in the other games is from the CBS box scores, they can hold off on updating that can’t they? They switched from the Wisconsin game, just as a Badger player was taking a would be game winner in regulation, as the clock was running out, so they could switch back to see the teams in Dayton leaving the huddle. What the hell was that? My personal favorite moment of not just these games, but the tourney as a whole, was when they panned to the Siena players dad, who was in one of those Christopher Reeves wheelchairs. After his son hit a free throw to tie it, they showed his dad, just sitting there and said, “not much reaction from the proud papa”. He’s a quadriplegic. I’m sure he would love to do toe-touches out of sheer joy, but again, he’s in a wheelchair. Sunday, they managed to show him every 12 seconds, which makes for great television.

So the Tourney goes on, and for some reason, my Bracket is already screwed. Normally, a few losses in the first round don’t matter that much, as long as you have the winnner. In our one pool, Everyone has #1 seeds, as they are the only ones with a decent chance of winning it. So what it comes down to is this, who guessed right the most times on the meaningless game’s. Plain and simple. Instead of being anyones game going into the final four, it’s going to be the guy who did best on days 1 & 2 with a #1 seed winning it all. There is one small chance for me to have some glory. Memphis. In my wifes pool, she has Memphis winning it all, and she’s not only the only person who picked memphis, but she’s the only one who didn’t pick a #1 seed. So that’s what it comes down to. I missed too many pointless games, putting my best chance at a fourth place finished if Carolina wins it all, but as usual, it’s my wifes bracket that saves the day. So in honor of this occasion, and memphis being the true Cinderella of this dance, lets all eat some ribs, and cheer on the Tigers.
On another note, if anyone saw any of the Tennesse lady Vols, or their highlights, they not only lost to Ball State, but ball state had a few hotties on their roster, and a pretty decent looking coach. Finally, womens basketball is coming through for me. So here’s to you Ball State, and your three hot chicks, and your semi-hot coach. Well done.


March 19, 2009

Am I the only one who had Radford in the Elite 8? I totally didn’t see that one coming. Unless you got really crazy with the upsets, you’re bracket can’t be looking too bad right now. That fact scares me. My whole system of operating brackets is all out of whack. Ever since I blogged about no big ten teams winning, I’ve feared a Big Ten Monopoly on the sweet 16. I resisted the urge, and stuck to my gameplan. I’m still o.k. I think tomorrow is the day where any upsets could be devastating. Then, CBS’ website, instead of showing the records, which is great for quick yet sensible decisions on who will win, shows what percentage of the nation is picking what team in each matchup. This has me totally rattled. Not that I see a percentage and think, “what do they know and I don’t” and then switch. Quite the contrary. If I see most of the nation has picked with me, i start to worry. I’m a firm believer that 90% of Americans are in some form retarded, so it kills my mojo if I see that my pick fits in the status quo.
I was worried for a minute or two earlier. Not when memphis was trailing, but when Gonzaga was in a tight one with Akron. Neither teamwill do much, but when i was filling out my bracket, I thought long and hard, about Akron pulling off a huge upset. No reason, I just kinda saw it happening. I stayed with the system, and went with the Zags, and it paid off. When I fill out my bracket, I don’t really care about winning. Sure I want to, and definitely try to, but what worries me most, is not predicting a huge upset. Nothing justifies ones existence like being the one guy at the bar who picked the nobody to knock off a higher seed, in a game that dead ends in the next round.
I do feel bad this year. Normally, I fill out one bracket right away. This bracket is just pure gambling instinct, and I always put it under my wife’s name. This method has got her 3 wins, and two finishes in the money the last 7 years. Then I do a bracket where I really think about it, long and hard. i do research, listen to “experts”, and then put my name on it. This bracket is usually dead by about 3 p.m. friday, and that seems to be the case again this year, except on thing. This year, I switched the names. I’m sitting pretty, and my wife is looking for a miracle, that just isn’t there. maybe nobody else took Memphis, and she still has a shot.
So in order to make it up to my wife, for giving her a shitty bracket, it’s time for our first ever NCAA basketball legends WWYRB!

Pat Summitt vs. Wally Szczerbiak

Pat Summitt http://web.knoxnews.com/special/0323summitt/splash.jpg is a coaching legend. She may very well be the greatest basketball coach of all time. It also helps, that she is n a sport (womens college basketball) where the talented players, all go to one of about 4 schools. Either way, nobody has more wins than the Summitt. http://www.doubleazone.com/images/summitt.jpg Not just that, but she pretty much invented the pant-suit. http://www.notablebiographies.com/news/images/unmk_04_img0173.jpg  She’s more than just coaching though. She takes the time to get all gussied up, and hit the town, http://www.brendanloy.com/blog/images/patsummitt-cheerleader1.jpg I like it when she shows a little leg. She has fought against the grain of her sport, and actually married a dude, and had a kid http://web.knoxnews.com/slideshows/0323summitt/pat10.jpg so she’s fair game for us. Like all good coaches, she has a lot of balls http://a5.vox.com/6a00c225290de28e1d0110162a9385860c-500pi If she wanted to, she could be the queen bee of lesbians, but has remained straight, so that’s why she’s here.

Wally Szczerbiak has the name that could baffle any spelling bee finalist, and the looks that could stop traffic. http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/famecrawler/2008/03/08-15/Wally-Szczerbiak-shirtless.jpg Ironicly, if you had to pick which of these two contestants has been with the most dudes, and which has been with the most ladies, it might be a toss up. http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20040524/images/2004-05-24sports_lakers.jpg I always hope he and Gary Payton would have worked things out and stayed together, but Wally had to move on http://graphics.boston.com/resize/bonzai-fba/Globe_Photo/2008/05/07/1210158104_3418/499w.jpg Wally, is on here not because I wanted to give my spellcheck a challenge, but because he was a March Madness legend. He pretty much carried his Miami of Ohio teamates on his back, all the way to the sweet 16. http://espn.go.com/media/abcsports/2001/0307/photo/a_szczerbiak_i.jpg  I once ran into Wally, we were trying to steal a keg from his party, and my job was to take him out if he came after us. it was not a very well thought out plan, as I pretty much just caved when i saw how much bigger than me he was. http://www.gaysportsblog.com/images/2008/10/24/wally_szczerbiak_81088069_10_3.jpg Wally, though a great shooter, looks waaay too much like Zoolander, to ever be taken serious http://www.eugenewei.com/images/misc/wally-zoolander.jpg No matter what people say about ole Wally, he is one thing above all else, and that, is a dreamboat http://farm1.static.flickr.com/109/303073015_6936184343.jpg He also happens to be the guy who joins my favorite NBA team, about 2 years before I switch to a new favorite NBA team, but a dreamboat nonetheless, so that’s why he’s here today.

Alright folks, lets put this one to the votes, and please, don’t just vote, but leave a comment also. Go ahead, leave a fake name, and you don’t even have to leave an email. If you’re gonna vote, the integrity of this site deserves to know why you voted.

Wake up call

March 18, 2009

A special thanks to the kind, ever-thinking folks down at AnheiserBusch. In their infinite wisdom, they changed the design on the cans of Bud Light. It’s mainly blue now, with a silver band, and red trim. A lot like the Blue Jackets gear, and a hell of a lot like the new cans of pepsi, which is also a fixture in our ‘fridge. Today, these two worlds collided like never before.
I was running a little late, and coffee wasn’t going to be enough, I needed something to pick-me-up, as i drove to Daycare, and then onto Southern Ohio! It’s a pain stopping to get coffee with a kid in a car seat, and my favorite java place is off-limits ever since the gay cashier gave me his phone number on my receipt. So pepsi it was. It sat in my cup holder until about halfway to Cincinnati, when my coffee was finished. Pepsi is a great part-time supplement for good coffee. It’s cold, so it wakes up the senses, has plenty of caffeine to keep you on your toes, and has the sugar you need to get through the day.
Did I mention the new Pepsi cans, and the new Bud Light cans are strangely similar?
This was not pepsi my friends. As I drove along the highway, I cracked one open, expecting a delicious can of my favorite pop to get me going. This was not pepsi. It kinda smelled beer, but I didn’t give it a second thought. There could be about a thousand reasons one gets a whiff of beer in my truck. Today, there was one thousand and one reasons why my truck smells like beer. I had grabbed Bud Light, when I meant to grab a pepsi. it was still a little cold, ‘rodeo cold’ was more like it, and at 9 a.m. it didn’t exactly hit the spot. i kinda suspected something was wrong, the smell gave it away, but for some reason I took that first drink. It was not good, and definitely not pepsi. I’d love to say, that was the only drink I took, it wasn’t. For the record, I did not finish the beer, a couple sips, yes. That was it, most of the beer remained in the can, in the cup holder, and I pressed on to my destination. I was there about 2 hours, and then headed back to get on the highway and get north. By this time, i was well awake, and had forgotten about the open can of beer in my vehicle. I was cruising along, getting a little excited listening to the ESPN radio talk about the upcoming NCAA tourney. It’s my favorite time of the year. As I cruised down some podunkhighway, I went up a hill with a little curve on rt. 73. At the top of the hill, sat a cop car, facing the same direction as me. I smoked my brakes to get near the “recommended” speed limit, just as I passed him. He hit his lights, and merged onto the road behind me. Was he after me, or just using his lights to show off, or for safety as he was re-entering the highway. He was definitely after me, so i pulled off to the side, holding out hope he would blow by me, en route to some “major” crime scene down in BFE Ohio. Nope, definitely me. HE started walking to the passenger side of my vehicle, after he had clearly ran my plates. he was doing that walk that cops use after watching way too many shitty John Wayne movies. The one hand near the holster “Easy Pilgrim, I have something lodged in my anus” walk.
The funniest part is, I didn’t care. Could he accurately radar me withhis vehicle pointed the same direction I was going? I didn’t see him hanging out the window with his radar like Roscoe P. Coltrain. Even if I was going to get a ticket, I really didn’t care. I wasn’t even in a hurry for him to get it over with, I was completely indifferent. He could have shot me, and I might not have cared, I was in complete serenity, and really didn’t feel concerned or bothered about the super cop of southern Ohio. There have been times when a cop had turned on his lights behind me, and I started to pray, or debated a high speed chase. this was not one of those. All was well.
As I rolled down the window, he said his name “officer so-and-so of the Harveysburghpolice department” I tried not to laugh at him, and he asked “do you know why I pulled you over?” I thought about saying, “no, i slammed on my brakes at 80 mph for no reason, did you need directions or something”. I stuck with a simple “no, why?” He said “68 in a 55, that’s why” I said nothing, again fighting off dozens of hilarious comebacks, handed him my license, and insurance card, just as he had asked for, and he walked away.
As I sat there, completely indifferent to everything going on around me, not worrying about my fate with Johnny lawbags, not concerned about how all of americas cops are simply ticket machines, as opposed to actual crime fighters. All that was going through my head was how nice the weather was, and where I would stop to eat.
Then I saw the beer can. Luckily it was on the cupholder in my middle console, nearest the drivers seat, and partially blocked by my giant coffecup. I went from, ‘lets get this over with mode’ to complete ‘Oh Shit’ mode in about 1/8th of a second. He was on his way back to my car, and I took off my hat, and sat it on my seat, partially covering the stupid pepsi look-alike can of bud light. I started to freak out, he had to be on to me. Was he going to ask me to step out? He was pretty fat, should I try and get to his weapon and take him down? My mind was racing, and headed in some really bad directions.
He very politely informed me I was getting a warning, and to watch my speed. I kinda stuttered a little gibberish about not knowing how fast I was going, all the while waiting for him to see my accidental beer can. He wished me a good day, and started walking away.

I did it! I fought the law, and I won! Stupid cop, gave me a warning. That’s like my 9th warning, seriously. I’ve still never actually gotten a ticket, just a shitload of warnings. Hoooooray Me!
I got back on the highway, and at the next exit, pulled off, and got rid of the now very warm, accidental can of Bud Light, that looks way too much like pepsi. The perfect crime.

So in the end, just another warning. 13 over the speed limit, not bad, but not even close to my all time record for still getting a warning. On the way to our honeymoon, I was hauling ass, knowing that even the lesbianest of cops couldn’t give a ticket to honeymooners. I had to have been doing at least 88, and once the cop who did pull me over saw our freshly minted marriage certificate, he just shook his head, wished us a happy honeymoon, and sent us on our way to the airport. I love cops, and I love warnings even more. How there isn’t any warrants out for me, is a sad reflection on our justice system, but I’ll take it. I did get to have another Big bacon Classic at that magical Wendys on my way home, so it was actually a pretty good day.

But remember. if you drink Pepsi, and Bud Light, and keep them in the same refrigerator, either buy bottles, or check closely before you leave your house with one. Knowing is half the battle.

Here come the Irish

March 17, 2009

Ah, St. Patricks Day. The one drinking Holiday, that is slowly losing it’s standings amongst my favorite drinking Holidays.  It used to be a day I looked forward to with great joy. A time for one wild night out, some green beer, and flat out debauchery. Now, it’s a day that makes me bitter. A day I set aside, and make sure I’m wearing nothing green what-so-ever. A day when all the Guinness (one of my faves year round) gets hogged up by a bunch of college kids, who will let half of it go un-drank in their refrigerator for months, and months. There used to be so much I loved about this day, and now, it just pisses me off. Am I just getting old, or has the rest of the world ruined this day for me?
I’m not at all Irish, nor catholic, so theres no built in reasons for me to celebrate St. Paddy’s day. Even though St. patrick hailed from Wales, much like my ancestors, I still don’t have that historical connection, at least not like I do with Johnny Appleseed Day. There was a time however, when I did celebrate just like everyone else. I used to always wear green to school when i was a kid, so i wouldn’t get pinched. As I got older, it was an excuse to go to bars, and get into trouble. Where did it all fall apart? Was it the year I had gone to one of my favorite sports bars with a group of friends to watch the first round of the NCAA tourney, only to discover that every belligerent college kid in a 30 mile radius was there, blocking the t.v.’s, causing long lines for beers, and, destroying the bathrooms. I always thought the NCAA tourney took precedence, but apparently the rest of the world thought different. Maybe it was the year that, when we left the house, I was the only one drunk, and somehow ended up driving someone elses car back to my house, where I had the honor of cleaning up someone else’s vomit, and then slept on the bathroom floor. Maybe it’s the fact that every year, some butthole says “hey chris, you’re not wearing green”, that has made me bitter. Wearing green is for little kids, slutty girls, and big fat drunk irishmen. You don’t see me wearing extra short, cut-off jean shorts, and a fishnet tank top on either gay rights day, or Puerto Rican day do you? You don’t see people walking around wearing stocking caps, and carrying hockey sticks on Boxing day do you? I don’t expect people to not bathe on Bastille day, why should we ask everyone to pretend they are Irish on St. Patricks day/ Whats so great about the dirty Irish. There was once a time where the irish were Americas whipping boy, and were looked down upon. Stupid JFK went and ruined that whole game. Most folks don’t even know what St. Patricks day is for. People still think it was some dude who chased snakes out of Ireland.
I get that it’s an excuse for people to go out, get waaaay too drunk, and make some bad decisions, but in this economy, shouldn’t we be doing that every day? The reason people do things like that, is because it’s fun. Maybe the whole world would be a lot more fun, if people took the good parts of St. Patrick’s day, the binge drinking, the parades, the casual sex, and made it part of every day life. I’ll do what I can. Now, if I go to my local carry-out, and all the Guinness has been bought up by some douche bag who’s taking it back to his apartment, or some butthole asks me why I’m not wearing green, or I have to stand in line behind some college slut, decked out in green novelty clothing, I may snap.
So do the world a favor everyone, especially hot chicks. Go ahead and go out tonight, have a few too many drinks, wear scandalous green attire, maybe even go home with someone you would normally not even speak with, but maybe do it more than just once per year. After all, it’s what St. Patrick would have wanted.
For the rest of you, remember this, the Irish, and those who claim to have descended from them, are not to be trusted. We’ll give them this day, let them have their fun, but only if we can go back to treating them like 2nd class citizen’s. the we’ll see who wearing green.

God speed everyone, this day will end soon enough.