Staring down death

January 29, 2009

Today i learned some news that could one day be my downfall. While reading various crap on the internet, I discovered the most shocking news story of all time. 

Oh My God!

How screwed am I? I went ahead and put my name on the list for a Prostate transplant. Lets hope I get one from somebody a hell of a lot less perverted than me. To think, all those years I just wrote it off as my 30 minutes of daily excercise, and it could one day spell the end of me. How can this be? What God would do this to people. If it’s so bad for you, why did they make it so fun? Next they’ll tell me bourbon and beer are bad for you too. This changes pretty much everything. What will I do with my spare time. What about morning wood? it’s just gonna taunt me. I have no will power, I’m a goner. There has to be some loophole, some get out of jail free claus with the findings of this study. Maybe it’s just for people who only do it “a little too much”. Maybe it’s like cigarrettes, and gin. A little too much is deadly. Way too much, and you live forever, like Phyllis Diller, and the Rolling stones dude. When news like this comes around, I turn to religion. “Are you there God, it’s me Chris”. “I could really use some help on this one. I thought it was o.k. ” I was just experimenting. Is this why I pee so much at night? I’m not gonna lose a ball am I? I know you and I aren’t all that close, and it’s cool, I’ll let that whole “Bengals Collapse” thing slide, if you can just help me out on this one. Amen.” and so I waited. 

It’s a miracle! I got a fightin’ chance. This is the best news I’ve gotten since that blood test came back Positive. All I got to do, is find out a way to make it 20 more years. I have to summon up some will power, and I can beat these odds. I can be the lance armstrong of perverts. I can survive! Who am I kidding. Nobody. My only chance is to somehow suspend time for 20 years. I need to freeze myself, and be woke up when I’m legally 50 ears old, and then I can go to town. But, think of what I might miss. Blue Jackets actually making the playoffs. The yearly comeback of the McRib, any of my teams actually winning a title (I know, I know) my kid growing up. All kind os stuff. The stakes are too high. I’m just gonna tough this one out. I am who I am. Maybe a little moderation could be in store. Doubtful, but it sounds better than calling in sick with morning wood.


Chris Loses a hat

January 28, 2009

Last night, I braved the elements, and headed downtown to whatch the Blue Jackets try and start the second half of the season on a high note. They took on the mighty Detroit Red Wings, the 2nd best team overall, and the first place team in our division. The Jackets needed a point out of this game, and with a huge winter storm blowing through the area, they would have to do it without the help of a packed arena. The trip downtown was awesome. The roughly quarter inch of snow we had received at that point, had already started to cripple our highway system. Apparently, when it snows a quarter of an inch, you can’t attempt a lane change, or else you may lose your grip with the road, gravity will fail, and you will float off into space. This meant everyone creaped along the entire way. I picked up my friend, had a decompressing beer at the bar, and then headed to the arena. After buying another beer, we headed to find our seats. Good seats, but when we got to our section, we discovered that with just 9 minutes until the puck dropped, their was literally 7 other people in the entire section.  Slowly the fans started filing in. Mostly Red Wings fans in our section, and for some reason, ours was the only section that was full. The lower bowl, was mostly empty. Apparently rich bastards can take the $100 hit by not going to the game when it snows. My friend, a Wings fan, decided that this would be a good game for a shoot-out. I said I wanted a hat trick. I was wearing what I call my lucky hockey hat. It was undefeated at Jackets games (1-0). I figured it would need to be retired if they won, since 2 straight wins is the best I could hope for. The hat and I have a little history. It really wasn’t even my hat. It looked identical to my hat. Same size, brand, color, everything. Except, instead of saying Jackets, it said Panthers. I grabbed it on aciident one night, leaving someone with a huge upgrade in hats. In fact, I wore it several times before I even realized it was the wrong hat, meaning their was no way to switch it back. What was done, was done. People had been making comments about the Panthers, and jokes and what not. I had no idea what the hell they were talking about, I just went along with it. During a semi-sober moment, I saw myself in the mirror, and noticed my hat said ‘Panthers’ backwards. So that’s why everyone was making Panthers jokes. This was not my hat. It only took a couple months before I figured that one out. I’m quick like that. Either way, the gay Panthers hat was lucky, so I wore it again last night, and again was made fun of. We fell behind early, and super-stud Rick Nash had a break away. Goal! Tie Game. Later in the second period, he had a sweet pass cross in front of the goal, and he knocked it in. Goal! Destiny was calling. Detroit tied it up, several good chances for both teams came and went. Time was running out. The detroit fans were getting restless. I informed them, that they coud not win. They were playing to not lose. We would be more than happy with taking a playoff team to overtime, collecting our one point, and going home. The seconds ticked away. To Overtime we went, and they had stopped selling beer. Bittersweet to say the least. It started to look like we were headed for a shoot-out. I have never been to a shoot out. I have left early in games that were eventually decided in a shoot-out. I started to ask around on what the protocol was for shoot-out hat tricks. Did it only count if it was the deciding goal? The general consensus among the fans in our section, was that if rick nash put three pucks in the net in one game, that a gay Florida Panthers hat had to find it’s way on the ice. We were about 10 rows up in the second level. Just getting a hat to fly that far would not be easy. The glass at the bottom of the upper bowl was pretty high, and pretty far. What if it didn’t even make it to the lower level? I started to sweat. What would I do? Then, as time was running out in O.T. the jackets forced the issue, everyone was crowded around the detroit net. Who had the puck? Was it still live? It was like slow motion. The puck sneaking it’s way between skates, to the goalies left side. Time stopped. Then it happened. Rick Nash was positiooned perectly for the rebound. Chris Osgood had no chance. He fired it into the back of the net. Game over! Hat Trick! I chucked my retarded Panthers hat with all my might. It cleared the glass, and fell out of sight on it’s way to the lower level, as a thousand other hats began to fly. Protocol, is if a hat does not make it to the ice, you help out it’s journey, and pass it along. The wings fans I was with hid their hats under their shirts. Apparently in Detroit, if the wings get a hat trick. the Wings fans will steal the other teams fans hats, and throw them on the ice. Hockey kicks ass. We waited to see if the gay Panthers hat made it to the ice. We never saw it make it there. My guess is some dude grabbed it, and just as he was about to chuck it, noticed it said Panthers on it. He likely thought to himself, “who the fuck is a panthers fan”, and kept it out of novelty. Hopefully somewhere in Columbus, some dude is at a bar, getting made fun of, because he has on a Blue, White and Red Panthers hat. In my mind, and in my heart, that gay hat still lives on today. If not, Rick Nash can keep it.

Beaten to the punch

January 27, 2009

I had bold plans for this blog in 2009. I wasn’t planning a total make-over, but I had a few key changes in mind. Some of the things that got us here were still going to be used. Like, WWYRB?, hockey talk, bitching about the reds, and my intense hatred of that fake christian pride-filled penis fart Tim Tebow. I stick with what works, and don’t want to risk offending the 14 people who read this blog. However, I was ready to add some spice. Some of my new themes will stick around. I’m planning on a new series “Great Moments in Binge Drinking” to fill the void left by the “Great Moments in Tailgating history” Series, until football season comes back. I plan on doing some product reviews, for just about anything new that tickles my fancy. I may do stories about my sex life, or in-depth looks at stupid people in my everyday life. A series when I pretty much just call-out real life people we know, and try and ruin their life.  A pretty sweet lineup, ya gotta admit. However, there was one new feature I was the most excited about, and someone has beaten me to the punch. The star of my new blog lineup was going to be a new series entitled, “Am I Hot?” In which we can all opnely debate, and decide whether certain people are, or are not hot. It was going to answer a lot of questions, and add to the quality of life of mankind. Instead, the hit NBC show ‘The Office’ has stolen my theme. The other night, I’m not sure if it was a re-run, since my thursday is usually filled with college football, hockey, or filling paper bags with dog poo. They had an entire office debate on weather or not Hillary Swank, (the chick from the Clint Eastwood movie about the chick boxer) was hot, or just pretty. Half the episode was dedicated to just that, and the debate that decided it. It was my whole bit, and they stole it. I’m not sure how, but NBC has found a way to crack into my brain, and steal my thoughts. I thought I was just paranoid, and then at the one shitty awards show my wife was watching, they zoomed in on the blonde chick from ‘Mad Men’s’ boobs. Exactly what I would have done. Then, they announced they were going to add games to the lineup of NBC hockey broadcasts, all in HD. Now, there is no doubt, the wise folks over at NBC, or General Electric are reading my thoughts. What we need to decide, is whether we can still press on with the “Am I hot?” series. It’s basically gonna be a feature on one person, of debateable fame, and we can discuss openly, whether they are hot. There will be valid cases, for, and against hotness, and voting, to decide once and for all, whether these people are actually hot. It will be completely useless, as all things are here, and might get me sued. So what I need to do, before we cn vote on whether people are hot or not, is vote on whther we should press on, or scrap the idea entirely, and let NBC win. The same bastards who made my shitty microwave, and aired the show ‘Blossom’. Should we let them win, or do we press on, for the greater good of stupidity?

Mt. Rushmore

January 25, 2009

ESPN, in all of their creative glory, struggles to go more than a few months without some gay interactive fan contest. They had “Titletown USA”, “Who’s more Now?” and “The Next” for just about everything. They keep coming at us with these wonderfull contests, that no doubt intrigue the entire nation. I remember not being able to sleep at night, because I couldn’t wait to see who was more “Now”. Tiger Woods, or Michelle Wie? I was stunned when Tiger won, but not as stunned as I was when Lebron James beat out that semi hot softball pitcher, who’s name nobody remembers. Now, ESPN has what could be the best contest of all. The state by state sports Mount Rushmore. *th grade boys everywhere are rushing to the bus stop to debate who the 4 most important sports figures in their state are. Businesses are closing until this debate is over, and the winner is announced. Whenever I see a contest on, I click on it, just so I can imagine how long it took them to come up with such an amazing idea. The rules on this one are kinda vague. I guess it’s any 4 people from one state, whether they were born there, or played there, it doesn’t specify, at least not in the two sentences I read. Then, once each state has voted on their Mt. Rushmore, the entire nation will vote on which state is the best. I’m guessing whichever state has the most votes in their own decision process wins it all, and the glory from that is un-imagineable. I doubt too many people from Oklahoma, are going to vote for Texas’ Mt. Rushmore. It’s good to see ESPN is providing their legions of sports nuts with yet one more reason to not interact socially, so they can go on message boards, talk trash, and not get laid. As gay as this is, I’ve decided that this website needs to take part as well. Instead of a Mt. Rushmore of great players, I want to see which state has provided the best ensemble of sports fuck-ups. Being a Buckeye stater, I’m going to focus my attention on not the worst athletes from Ohio, but the four who have soiled their reputation the most. Feel free to help out with Ohio’s, or even do your own states, or any other’s.

Ohio’s Mt. Rushmore of sports shame:

1. Roger Clemens. Like most hardcore native Texans, Roger is actually from Dayton OH. Nothing says “Lone star state” like the 2nd biggest metropolis in western Ohio. To his credit, he has lived the bulk of his life in Texas, as well as Boston, New York, and Toronto. An Actual Texan I used to work with had an old saying, about Texans who were not born in Texas. “If a cat has kittens in an oven, that don’t make ’em biscuits.” Roger is a Buckeye. As recently as a year and a half ago, Roger was considered in the discussion for the greatest pitcher of all time. From his early days, he was better than most. He dominated from the get go, seemed to be close to retired, and then “magically” became dominant again, late in his career. It was as if he had some kind of magic potion. With the release of the Mitchell report, news of Rogers rampant steroid, and HGH use kinda clouded his reputation. Instead of admitting guilt, claiming it was only during one isolated season, and saving his reputation, and his chances at the hall of fame, Roger went a different rout. After waiting a week to say anything, he sued anyone who said anything bad about him, released a taped conversation that made him look more guilty, and then the flood gates opened. He got dragged in front of a congressional investigation, did the worst job of lying ever, and had his whole life torn apart, all on live television. His marriage was destroyed when he tried to blame his wife, and when news of his affair with a then 15 year old budding country music singer. Roger went from “best ever” to social outcast in just over a year. The guy who was once considered to be the only guy with a chnce to get elected into the hall of fame with 100% of the votes, can’t even get Jose canseco to call him back.

2. Pete Rose. Born in Cincy, and the face of the Reds, pete is Ohio through and through. Baseball’s all time hit leader, a rookie of the year, MVP, All-star, and World series champ. Pete’s career is unmatched by anyone in the game. Charlie Hustle, was yet another lock for the hall of fame, and then, the whole gambling thing. Pete was pretty much busted, then he cut a deal with a comissioner who was about to die, and the whole thing went to shit. the next year saw him get a lifetime ban from all things baseball, and a stay in prison. Instead of admitting guilt, and slowly earning back his reputation, Pete also went aa different route. Either he is borderline retarded, or has been under the guidance of the worst public relations firm ever for the last 20 years. Either way, every 5 years or so since his news of his gambling came out, Pete finds a way to alienate even more of his supporters. Pete has since admitte some guilt in his book, but his shot at redemption is pretty well gone. He still gambles, and still blames everyone but himself. Baseballs hit king will be in the hall of fame, right about the time John Rocker gets in.

3. Maurice Clarrett. He has the smallest body of work on the field, but he has fallen farther than almost anyone else. Maurice was a kid almost all Ohio State fans knew of, well before he stepped on the field. “That kid that’s coming in next year” was a legend in northern Ohio. He was the AP High School Offensive player of the year as a High School senior. An honor shared by other fallen stars like Michael Vick, and Some day Jimmy Clausen. He enrolled early, made a big impact in spring ball, and summer drills, and was MVP of the Kickoff classic in his very first game. Steamrolling over a Big-12 defense in his first game as a collegiate. He had some ups and downs as a frosh. Some fumbles, some crying fits, and some injuries, were a glimpse of things to come. Despite his extra drama, the Buckeyes would not have won a national title without Maurice. He single handedly put his teamates on his back, as he plowed over, and ran around the Pac-10 champion Washington State team early in the season. In the Fiesta Bowl/BCS title game, he saved OSU’s chances after a horrible interception at the goaline by Craig Krenzel, (despite the fact that 3 other guys were uncovered) Maurice ran down all american, future Pro-Bowler, and fellow fallen athlete Sean Taylor, caught him from behind, and ripped the ball away. In a game where yards were hard to come by, he slowly beat down a defense that consisted of 11 future NFL starters, (several of which made Pro Bowls) and scored the winning TD. That singular moment was the top of the hill for Maurice. A few minor run-ins with the law, violations of team roles, and an ESPN the magezine story where they pictured him throwing away his OSU jersey, damaged his popularity. Then came a team suspension. Details were shady at best, so fans had to consider going half the season without Maurice. Then it turned into a full season NCAA suspension, and OSU had no running game. Next, under the wise guidance of fellow fallen star athlete/convicted fellon Jim Brown, he decided to challenge the NFL, and go pro after only 2 years removed from High School. He won a court case, but then lost an appeal, sending him to no-mans land for another whole year. Another ESPN the magezine story about Clarett, his extra cash, his fake job, his free cars, and his off-campus housing, almost toppled OSU’s football program. As that blew over, he was drafted out of shape by the Bronco’s, and was known to bring a water bottle full of vodka to practices. He was cut, and had no way to pay back the Israeli mafia, who had been supporting him for the previous year, and he feared for his life. The spiral was almost complete. While awaiting trial for armed robbery from a  new years eve mugging, Maurice was the star role in a high speed chase, up and down the Columbus freeway system. He was finally arrested in a Tee Jayes country cookin’ parking lot, drunk, heavilly armed, and wearing body armor. Maurice is now midway through his prison sentence, where he is in no doubt  training for his next career move, 50 Cent’s stunt double.

4. Art Schlichter: The George Washington of Fallen Ohio Athletes. Depending on which software you use, Art’s name may actually be a synonym for ‘train wreck, tire fire, and lost cause’. Art was another schoolboy star, who was going to win coach Woody Hayes 3 national titles. He was the original Ron Pawlus. Though he had impressive numbers in college, he never lived up to the hype. Art played for Woody at a time when freshman never played, and yet started at quarterback as a true freshman. He started all four years, and finished in the top ten in Heisman voting three staright years. is last game as a Buckeye, was the game coach hayes punched a Clemson player. That should have been the sign. He was the 4th overall pick of the Baltimore colts, who were too busy looking for real estate in Indianapolis, to be doing background checks. Through pretty much Arts entire career at OSU he was spotted at the horse track, betting, with a well know bookie usually at his side. Before his rookie season even started, he had lost his entire signing bonus on gambling, and was loaned money by teamates, owners, and the mob. He was caught charting scoring lines during a game, when he was supposed to be sending in signals to the starting QB. After he owed the mob more money than he could ever make playing football, he was forced to choose between throwing games, turning himself in, or getting killed. He turned himself into the feds, and was suspended from the NFL indefinitely. They decided to let him back in the league, but didn’t last long. He was rumored to be gambling on NFL games again. After getting caught in the locker room, on the phone with a bookie, trying to change his bet to be against the Colts, after he found out a few of his teamates weren’t going to be able to play. He was kicked out of the NFL…again, but the fun was not over yet. He did manage to actually have a decent 3 years in arena football, winning titles in detroit, and going almost a full year without getting arrested in Cincinnati. He did relapse, and was arrested a few more times, before finally going to big boy Prison. As he was nearing a possible release, he was caught calling in bets from the Prison pay phone. When you are in Prison for running illegal gambling operations, check fraud, and telling lies to the IRS, that is a no-no. Art is considered by some to be the biggest NFL draft bust ever. He’s in the discussion with some pretty awesome folks on that one. Art, lives with his mom in Ohio yet again. He does get some credit for speaking out against gambling, and even started an organization to help other’s with the same problem. Nonetheless, he is broke, busted, and lives with his mom, in the middle of nowhere Ohio. Wahington Court House Ohio, could very well be the hall-of-fame for fallen Buckeye state athletes.

Now, this may not be the best foursome of shitty-Ohio athletes, but it’s up there. I am leaving off wife beaters and felons like Jim Brown. Total nutjobs like Alonzo Spellman. Or, complete losers like David Boston, and Tremain Mack. We can’t forget about Charles Woodson, or Desmond Howard, those guys are just shit sprinkles. So let me know who you think is better suited for this Mt. Rushmore, and why. Or, if you have a state that can top this one’s (I highly doubt it) give it a shot. I’d love to see it. If you can top this one, there will be a six pack of delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, with your name on it. O!-H!

All Star

January 22, 2009

My months of debate, and hard work are over. Since my son was born last March, I’ve been waiting for signs to guide me on my path of over the top sports parenting. My dream is to be the guy on Youtubegetting into a fight at a little kids hockey game, hopefully with an obese woman. I’ve been waiting for the little guy to show just the tiniest hint of potential, so I can decide what sport to become obsessive about. I’ve read Todd marinovich’s dad’s book. I’ve emailed back and forth with Domonique Muchiano’s parents for tips. So I know what I need to do. This week, my son gave me the sign I’ve been looking for. I now know, which sport to be obsessive about, which sport I am going to drive him to be annall star at. The answer, was a little surprising. I had been hoping for a violent sport, a sport I know some things about, or an individual sport, so I can really take it to the extremes with tutorings, and private lessons. I was hoping it would be golf, since it takes little actual physical prowess, and can be taught at an early age, and has nothing to do with teamwork, or social skills. I was also thinking I could step it up a notch, and home school him. Sure his social skills would be fucked, but look how well it’s working for Tim Tebow. The sport my son is sure to achieve greatness in? Basketball. This came as a bit of a surprise, since I am either 5’8″, or 5’9″ depending on which shoes I wear, and my wife is legally a dwarf in Utah. He has mad skills though. Someone bought him this little basketball hoop, with little mini-balls, and the kid is a natural. Starting last week, he began dunking, all on his own. He can even get his own rebound. Sure, the crawling thing is technically travelling, but it never gets called in the NBAanyway. Yesterday, he began shooting from down town. He threw one up from about 6 feet away, and it was kinda close. On a 2 foot hoop, with a mini-ball, that’s the equivalent of a full court shot in regular basketball. He clocked in, in the 70th percentile in height at his last appointment, so he seems to have found a way to bypass his parents genetic shortcomings. The 70th percentile is perfect. He won’t be a center, but a 3 guard, or a power forward will be awesome. He’s not like Shaq, but more like Charles Barkley, or Scottie Pippen. As soon as he can start draining threes, I can really start to obsess. Right now his game is a lot like a mix between Greg Oden, and the baby from the e-trade commercials. I figure next week we can start doing line sprints, and conditioning drills. I’ve started looking on the internet for some North Korean HGH, to speed up the growth process. He only has the two teeth, so it makes him look mean. I’ve started teaching him to throw elbows, so he can pull down rebounds like Dennis Rodman. For defense, I was thinking about teaching him arm-bars, and the pistol drill. I figure he’s already good at taking charges, since he is already on his knees. Any contact, is a sure foul, so we’ll start doing free throws at 10 months. I’m so excited about being able to finally be a psycho sports dad. I was almost ready to glue a golfball between his index, and middle finger, so he develops a natural split finger fastball for baseball. I thought about gluing a golf club, or hockey stick to his hands, but now that he has chosen basketball, I can move forward in full gear. If anyone out there has any tips about how to ensure he makes it to the NBA, please let me know. In the mean time, I’ll keep everyone posted on his progress, and if he does any more awesome sports tricks. Get that scholarship for 2026 ready Thad Matta!

Proud To Be An American

January 20, 2009

Today marks one of the most monumental days in American history. It’s a day that many said would never happen. A day, some look at with dispare, and others with true American pride. For generations, many have sacrificed everything, to make this day possible. Countless Americans have given their lives, so we can eexperience this monumental event. What event is that you ask? In Washington D.C.  on January 20th 2009, we have gathered the most portable shitters ever, for one single day event. I tear up at the thought, of endless rows of blue, green, yellow, and even red, chemical toilets, lined up in formation. Never in my life have I been so proud, and so thankfull to be alive. Estimates have the number of portable shitters at well over 5,000 spread out over the innauguration parade route. I think back to all the times I stood  in line, dangerously close to pissing myself, because of the inadequate ammount of portable shitters. I think of the times I pondered whether my piss would be the piss that finally caused it to overflow. How many ‘tall boys’ of Coors light could fit in the well of 5000 chemical toilet’s you ask? Nobody knows, but god willing we will see today. This is truly a remarkable day. The history books can try, but never will they be able to grasp the true importance of this many chemical shitters in one place. It’s like the Indy 500, the Daytona 500, and the Ohio State vs. Michigan wrapped up in one, with the kentucky derby going on in the background. I hope those of you that aren’t able to be in washington to use on of these shitters, is able to see someone in line for one on t.v. Or, at the very least, I hope you are able to swing by a construction sight, and use one of the portable toilets they have there.

Of course, there is the matter of the innauguration. It’s truly an historic day, no matter what your political beliefs are. Though my guy did not win, I support our new leader. If you are of the generation I am, it is nice to have one positive moment, of this magnitude. Any innauguration is an historic moment, of great importance, and should be looked uppon with great awe. This one, is special. This is a day our grandchildren will ask us about. In my life, there have been too few great moments like this. Moments that will be remembered for all time. The Reds winning the world series in 1990, that dude with the fan/parachute thing crashing into the heavywieght title fight, and the birth of the McRib, just to name a few. Moments like when we beat the dirty ruskies in hockey, Eddie George winning the heisman, my 21st birthday, HD TV, and the Paris Hilton sex tape, will be talked about for ages. Most of our notable moments have been tragic however. The space shuttle blowing up, the fall of Pete Rose, and Maurice Clarrett, Laser discs, and clear pepsi. We didn’t have the moon landing, the World Wars, or the great depression like our parents, and grandparents did. We were not there for when the Reds were a dynasty, or when we nuked Japan. We missed out on a lot of real true history, so it is nice to see some happening in our day. One of the problems I have with this whole thing, is that it isn’t a national drinking holiday. Think about it. It’s being broadcast in HD. You have some people over come with joy, and others with despair about this day. Of course you also have those 5,000 plus port-o-shitters too. Why are we at work? Shouldn’t we all either be celebrating, or drowning our sorrows in a crowded bar? We do it on St. Paddy’s day, and most of us aren’t even Irish.

I do have a few final thoughts on this whole thing. It would be sweet to be able to be there in person, utilizing one of those port-o-shitters, but it does look pretty damn cold. No matter what your political belief is, this is a moment everyone should take part in. I have a bottle of Makers Mark for tonight. I am a little dissapointed about the tax money being spent on this. As it nears the 200 million dollar mark, and is over 4 times the ammount spent on either of the last 4. I have to wonder if that’s really in our best interest during this economic crisis. I also am worried about the rumor of Oprah being named ambassador to South Africa. Is that really a good idea? Didn’t she start a school in South Africa, and eventually a bunch of kids got molested or something? She would revitalize their economy, if she buys them all a car. I also have to call foul on the Mother-in-law living in the white house. Really? They say it’s to help out around the house, but isn’t the dozens of staff members we pay to do that enough? The President is supposed to set a standard for the entire nation. Letting the Mother-in-law live in the white house sends the wrong message here. Not to mention that tax dollars would just be paying for another family member, that pales in comparison to the real problem. “If it’s good enough for the President”, could soon be the motto for mother in laws every where. What if this becomes a trend? Everyones mother in law will try and live with them. I say President Obama needs to send a strong message in his first week, and put her in a home. I also am dissapointed with Tiger Woods finally giving in, and getting political. Not that he got all that political, but he avoided it entirely so far, but has finally gave in. For years he has taken shots for not being more of a public figure, or an activist for any greater cause. It’s not for everyone, to stand up, and tell the world how they feel about every thing that happens, no matter how unqualified they are. Yes, he is a role model, and can reach a lot of people, but he clearly does not want any part of it. He’s not Muhammed Ali, and that’s o.k. He can settle for just being the greatest golfer of all time. Just because someone is famous, does not mean they have to be an outspoken voice on all of society’s issues. It’s a great cause if someone that famous can stand up and let there voice be heard. However, they need to not only know what they are talking about, but they need to want to do it. Jim Brown has been outspoken about many causes in his life, and has done many great things. He also beat the living shit out of his wife, and was sent to prison for it. Pete Rose speaks out against steroids in sports, and is a degenerate gambler. Just because you are an athlete, does not make you a savior, just an athlete. Obama is a role model for young people striving for greatness, tiger is a golfer. Tigers speach looked like he was reading straight of the paper from an 8th graders book report. He’s better than that, and deserves better. Let him stick to golf, his hot assed wife, his new family, and his millions of dollars. If some day he decides to lend his voice to a greater cause, then good for him. Until then, lets get our political talks from the experts. Movie stars with GED’s and and retired athletes with a mean streak.

Living History

January 19, 2009

We should all take a step back, and appreciate the history in the making, that is upon us. One of the greatest moments in our nations history is happening right in front of our very eyes. I myself, have never been so proud to be alive, in this great nation. What moment is that you ask? As we speak, in the 3rd week of January, the Columbus Blue Jackets are still in playoff contention. More than halfway through the NHL season, and the dream is alive. This is the farthest into a full season they have gone, where the glimmer of hope still exists. A win in Edmonton tuesday night, and we’re all alone in the 8th and final playoff spot. Sure, there’s a lot of season left to be played, but this is a time for hope. Hope we can believe in. I know, it’s a lot to take in, and some of you may not be ready for this kid of change, but you have to, because there is more. As we stand now, all of my teams are still very much in the playoff hunt. The Buckeyes, just need to hold their own, and they make the tourney. The cavs shuld have the top seed in the east, and the Reds won’t be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs for at least 3 more months. Is this a great time to be a alive or what? With all this change in the air, many folks have lost hope, not me. I say “Yes We Can” people! This is our time. We have a shot here to change the world. Now if the Jackets can find a true front line center, we’ll be set.

Congrats to the Pittsburgh Steelers for winning the NFL Title! Yesterdays Superbowl, was one for the ages. The Ravens fought hard, but when it’s all on the line like it was yesterday, you gotta go with that steelers D. big Ben played well also, and my boy Santonio is one hell of an X factor. The only thing that would have been better, is if Hines Ward had died. For some reason, my hatred for all things Pittsburgh has declined this season. Maybe since I have watched them 3 times more than I watched my Bengals. Maybe it’s the exposure to actual good football. Maybe I’m going soft, but I actually enjoyed watching them play this year, and have even been rooting for them to win it all. Plus the only way I could ever bring myself to root for Baltimore, is if Troy Smith was playing, and he was throwing to Michael Phelps, like I had recomended. I do feel bad for Willis McGahee. The dude has been in two championship games, and suffered devastating injuries in both games. Both times, he was trying to lead his team on a comeback, to win the title, and then a monster hit sends him to an offseason full of rehab. There was a ton of good hits in that game, and I’m glad, since it was the last meaningfull football game until next fall. Sure, we have the Pro Bowl, the senior Bowl, the draft, and Pre-Season games, but it’s sad to think that yesterday was the last football for several months. That other game between two horrible teams that would struggle for 3 quarters, before finally subduing the Detroit Lions was pretty good also. I wasn’t sure who I wanted to win that one, but it is nice to see them play hard. I like it when the “special” kids get to play. I hear they are going to let the winner play in a scrimmage against Pittsburgh. That should be fun to watch. Not much point in actually discussing that game. The real talk should be about what horrible fate will bestow Big Ben this off-season, after he wins this title. Me, I’m putting my cash on a hot air ballon incident. Hopefully, if he does fall out of a hot air ballon, Hines Ward will break his fall.

Brain Freeze

January 15, 2009

Hooray! Tonight we finally bottomed out the mercury, and are headed into the land of temperatures with a – sign next to the number. Below Zero! It took some time, and a lot of hard work, but we finally made it. It’s officially too cold to go outside. I of course welcomed this with open arms. Unlike the legions of buttholes who stock up on things like bottled water, and canned goods before a big storm, I went to the liquor store. Who wants to be stuck in the same place for multiple days sober? Most of the schools have already cancelled tomorows classes, and I even saw streaming across the bottom of the screen, that the Columbus Pole Vault Academy is closed tomorow as well. That should be the litmus test for when everything else needs to close. If it’s too cold to pole vault, it’s too cold to do anything. Seriously, when it gets down below zero, and the high is only going to be in the low 1’s, just shut everything down. Don’t make people go to work on days like that, it’s just not worht it. Obviously the important places like Wendy’s and the liquor store should stay open, as well as hospitals and stuff, but the other things can just shut down. It’s friday, nobody wants to be there anyway.

Apparently the extreme cold has effected a few peoples brains as well. OSU receiver Brian Hartline is leaving early for the NFL. I have to say, this makes me pretty happy. That dude sucks, and is a white WR. A combo no good football program wants to have. The problem I have with this whole deal, is who the hell has convinced him it would be wise to go to the NFL. Even Tim Tebow was able to akcnowledge the fact that he was undraftable. When does Hartline expect to be drafted anyway? I did enjoy hearing the “experts” specualting on Tebow’s decision. Where was he going to go anyway? Was he really going to pass up a chance to boost his own ego even further, by pinning it all on the slight chance he gets drafted as an H-back by Tampa in the 7th round? At least Tebow could be an experiment for an NFL team. Hartline, is worthless. His departure was the best thing to happen to OSU all year. Him leaving opens a roster spot for better, faster, blacker wide receivers to get some playing time at OSU. Now, if the coaches can try and develope young Terrell Pryor as a passer, instead of making him lose valuable practice time at wide receiver. Lots of folks are dissing pryor, but he was just a frosh, with a horrible line. Next season the line will be better, and he was the most accurate passer in the Big ten.

Is anyone else dissapointed with the interviews by the survivors of the plane that crashed in the Hudson river? These guys are blowing a chance to spice things up a bit, and make the most of their 15 minutes. Not one of them made any smart assed comments. Hopefully tomorow will bring some better comments by survivors, and some actual footage of the plane crashing. And god willing, it will be in HD.

Today we were lucky enough to receive what has been so far, the biggest snowfall of the year. Judging from what I have to shovel off my driveway in the morning, we have at least 6 inches. Or, if you go off what I claim my penis to be, the shallowest 14 inches of snow ever. Either way you cut it, we got some snow. We here in Columbus OH, are a lucky bunch. We get to experience all 4 seasons to their fullest. Sometimes we don’t have much of a winter at all. Today was not the case. We got shit hammered with snow, and it was pretty cold too, which would make it the best snow to ski on, except we live in Ohio. Unlike places who can count on snow falling frequently in the winter, Ohio sometimes stays mild all winter long. This means we are the Tight Ends of the winter states. Not hot enough to use a sun room year round, not cold enough to convince your wife to let you buy a snow mobile. I know people who have bought cross country skis, and have never had the chance to use them at home. The downside to this is, our winter highway system sucks balls. Instead of counting on it being shitty, we kinda hope we get away with a year off from icy, or snow filled roads. This was not the case today. After spotty snowfall the past two days, we had a couple hours of heavy snowfall today. Not actual winter state heavy, but like an inch in an hour or so. In Ohio, this might as well be a blizzard. Instead of playing it smart, and saving our resources for winter road services, or subcontracting plow guys in the winter, we hire year round employees, who milk our budget by weed whacking, and painting fire hydrants every summer, and depleting our budget for things like overtime, and road salt, This means, every year, the slightest of snowstorms, that in normal states is considered a minor inconvenience, is sheer chaos in Columbus. Instead of having seasonal employees, and budget surplus’ saved up for days like today, we have to wait for the storm to pass, before we send out the plows, because paying the drivers to be year round employees, has left us in a pinch, and we need to save the money for them to pick up roadkill this summer. Since our snow clearing system is broken, and retarded, this means that after a half inch of snow in columbus, we had to declare marshal law. And with this insanity comes a unique sociological experiment, that I was able to partake in. So here are the five people you will see on a central Ohio highway on days like today.

1. Kick ass sports car guy: Often times he is alone, and on a bluetooth headset, monitoring his hair gel status, as he side swipes a telephone pole, or plummets into a ditch. Sometimes he is carrying a car full of his co-workers, who decided his rear wheel drive compensation mobile was the right choice to take to lunch on their way to hit on the waitress at Max and Ermas. He could be with his much younger than him waitress girlfriend, as he drives to buy her cigarettes. Either way, this dude is going to do something stupid, and he is going to cost you at least an hour of your time, by blocking traffic. He should be avoided, but since he is likely showing off in a fruitless attempt at actually getting laid, he is likely to pass you, going way tooo fast, so keep as much distance between yourself, and his homo-personalized license plate, and his after market brake lights.

2. The Soccer Mom: That giant SUV her husband bought her is finally paying off, and since her kids’ school got out early, ruining her spa day, she is on a mission. You will find her occupying your entire rear view mirror. You won’t be able to decipher the make of her SUV, as she is riding your ass. Your best bet is to try and look up, and see the reflection of her over-tanned cleavage, and hope she passes you, before one of her worthless soccer mom friends calls, and she gets distracted. No matter what you do, how you are driving, you are in her way. When the news announced School was letting out early, that basically deputized her to drive however she wants, and she is going to get her kids picked up, and back home in time to catch Oprah. Being a housewife who’s only purpose has been to breed, and make sure another generation of our nations children are over sugared, and have gay names, has left her feeling neglected, and restless. Today is her day to shine. She Will show up to pick up the kids, much sooner, looking way more hip that the neighbor ladies, no matter what mother nature throws at her. Your best bet is to live in a poor neighborhood, where the housewives can’t afford nice SUV’s and count on the school bus to bring the kids home. If not, avoid the school zones, or the exits to the day spas, and shopping malls. Otherwise, you’ll be rubbin’ and racin’ with manicured Ho bag driving a Denali.

3. The Scared to Death Lady: She’s the one whipping down the road at one third the speed of the other drivers with her hazard lights on. She is so worried about her survival, that all logic is tossed aside, and she decides that 20 miles per hour on the Interstate is safest way to travel. More times than not, her vehicle will be better equip-ted for road conditions like this, than yours, but this does not stop her from letting as many snowflakes land safely on her vehicle as possible, by driving barely in the double digits on the highway. Today I was fortunate to get behind this lady about 12 different times. One lady Ohio License Plate THA KID was the worst driver of all time. She ignored the fact that her brand new JEEP 4 door has 4 wheel drive, and she had her hazard lights on, while going sub-20 on the highway. Since I merged on behind her, and I have only rear wheel drive, and traffic in the other plowed lane was zooming past us at 3 times our speed, I got to see just how long it would take me to get home from work, if I only drove 20 miles per hour. On 3 different occasions, she actually managed to fish-tale, while driving straight on I-71. Apparently the salesman never showed her how to switch it to 4 Wheel drive. Your best bet for keeping her from being the main cause of your death, is to get around her using any means possible. I actually considered driving on the grass to get past her, since the semi trucks coming up behind us were travelling 40 miles per hour faster than us.

4. Redneck Guy: He’s the one blowing past everyone in the un-plowed lane of I-71 in the early 90’s ford pick up, with the monster truck tires he put on his discover card, before his “ole lady” threw him out. He has no job, and lives for days like this. He’s on his way to pick up his drinkin’ buddy, so they can slam Busch Lights, and do Donuts in empty parking lots. He had his Carhart cover-alls laying out, and waiting for this very day. He’s also hoping to make some extra cash for things like “Larry The Cable Guy ” can coolies, and MMA pay-per-views, by plowing peoples driveways.  He’s the guy you see way off in the distance, before you pull out in the intersection, only to realize he is actually going about 40 miles per hour faster than the warm weather speed limit. You’ll also find him making violent lane changes on two lane roads, trying to get past you, so he can get to the bar, or make 30 dollars by plowing the lot at TEE-JAYE’S. Your best bet is to wave a rebel flag and befriend this hillbilly, or merge to the side and let him past. At the very least, he may end up plowing a path for you, whether it be with his actual snow-plow, or with his pick-up as it skids along on it’s side.

5. The “You Mean The Roads Are Bad” Driver: This driver is either so surprised by the road conditions, that they freeze up, or panic, causing you to lose another hour of your life, or their vehicle is so ill-equipted for anything short of perfect road conditions, that once mixed with their third grade driving skills, they turn into a gasoline powered missile, destined to ruin someones day. You’ll see them spinning sideways, after trying to negotiate a simple left-hand turn, or drive up an on ramp. They are the ones who only scraped a peep-hole sized amountof snow off their windshield, just enough that they can see only what is directly in front of them, and have no idea what else is going down around them. They either have a blizzard blowing off their vehicle as they drive down the road, or go sliding through every intersection they need to stop at, so watch out. I was lucky enough to be stopped for about 10 minutes because a chick in a rear wheel drive PT Cruiser spun out going up an overpass. I can only see two reasons to buy a rear wheel drive vehicle. You need a pick-up truck for work related purposes, or you are buying a sports car that might get you laid. Why not get the smallest “cutest” car you can find, in the the rear wheel drive version. Your best bet here is to just find an alternate route. Whether it be forwards, sideways, or slamming backwards into you, this person will try to kill you, because they have no idea the roads are bad, or that their electric car is like a battery powered hockey skate on the roadways.

I hope all of you are lucky enough to meet all of these fine people, on a shitty day like today. Hopefully you will drive right past them, and not even know who they are. For some reason or another, winter weather effects Columbus driver with 8 times the severity of other par ts of the nation. Our drivers have the winter driving skills of folks in the deep south. I still think all of Ohios bad winter drivers, and plow crews should spend one week in January in Northern Michigan, or Wisconsin, or Colorado. Maybe that way days like today, will just be pretty, instead of the Armageddon we turn it into.

In the land of retards

January 13, 2009

I’ve made up my mind. Everyone I am responsible for during working hours, is retarded. There can be no other answer. I’ve wasted a lot of time ondering what can make these people do the stupid shit they do, on a daily basis. I’ve lost a pretty good ammount of hair, and allowed way too much stress to come into my otherwise wonderful life. All because I’ve failed to realize, the people working for me, are just retarded. When I take my son to day care in the morning, or when I say see ya tomorow to the kenyan dude who I buy coffee from each day, that’s the last affiliation I have with anyone smart enough fill out a Bob Evans place mat word search, until the day is done. Of course sometimes it spills over into my peace time. I get calls well after all the work should be done. Excuses why this or that did not get done, or why someone may be calling me in the morning, very pissed off. In the past I have let it get to me at times. I’ve had my share of blow ups, I’ve called people names, and threatened to very illegal things to people. All for the cause of making some cash. I’ve come to the conclusion, that there is nothing I can do about this. Stupid is, as stupid does. All I can hope for, is that they only manage to harm themselves, and not anyone else. I might buy them all some bicycle helmets to wear. Not for safety reasons, but just so the general public realizes they are retards.

The completely foolish, idiotic things they’ve done in the past, are too vast to mention. I would not know where to start, if i ever had to chronicle all of them. There once was a point, where I would write little citations, for various offenses of stupidity. After so many were accumulated in a set ammount of time, pay would be docked. This worked for a short time. I pissed off a lot of rednecks this way, received plenty of threats from under-fed, hung over hillbillies, but it seemed to work. For a week or two, they would worry about being late, or breaking something, and they seemed to walk the line. In time, they would revert back to retardation, and catch something on fire, or block rush hour traffic, because they stopped to pick up roadkill, and got stuck. The roadkill thing has actually happened, more than once. In fact, I had to have a put the fear of god into/heart to heart talk with one of our more “special” idiots, for picking up dead animals. Near our office, is a surprisingly busy 2 lane highway, that leads from the newer developments, back into the city. Around rush hour it gets surprisingly busy. One day, I received a call from the Highway patrol, about one of our vehicles “broke down” on the road. A certain dipshit who works for us had spotted a nice looking dead deer on the side of the road, and had decided to park on the side of the road, so he could cut it’s head off, throw it on his truck, and go to the first job site I had sent him to. He got stuck, bloced traffic during rush hour, and received a ticket. Him and I had a talk, and I made it quite clear, at the very least, he was to no longer stop to cut the head off of anything, on company time. Reasonable enough. Well, a few weeks ago, I got a call from the same moron, saying he needed a tow, he was again stuck. The reason he was stuck? Another sweet dead deer on the side of the road, and he had pulled off into a mud pit, and again, blocked rush hour traffic. In his defense, he remembered what i had said, and did not cut off it’s head to take with him. Just the antlers. Who could blame him? They were kinda nice, if you are in to that whole “deer antlers haphazardly cut off of a roadkill deers head with a hammer and god knows what else” thing. Times like this I question how someone like this could live to be an adult. Only in America could people this stupid survive to adulthood, and then continue to breed. Yesterday, I gave strict instructions to someone about how to operate machinery. He knows how to drive it, he does it every day. My instructions were to just pull forward, dump his load, and then back straight up. “DO NOT TURN until you are back on the parking lot” I said. It is soft and muddy, and I did not want him to do any more damage to this persons yard than what was necessary. Apparently he thought I was just telling him this, because I am an asshole. I received a call on my cell phone a few hours later. I did not know the name of the person on the line, but they were pissed. It was the neighbor, eside where my crew was working, and he apparently took issue with the Bobcat Nascar race that had just transpired in his yard. When I arrived on the scene, it was a nightmare. If someone had given me a 10 minute training lesson on how to operate a skid loader, a 12 pack of beer, and told me I had an hour to do as much damage to this yard as I could, I would not have come close to what he did. He “forgot” what I said about turning in the yard, and since he had messed the yard up, he decided the intelligent thing to do, was to start going through the neighbors yard, all the way around his garage, so he did not make the first set of tracks any worse. Why make one bad set of tire tracks, when you can make 93? Why replace a 40 foot by 5 foot path of grass, when you can replace an entire yard, and half of the neighbors? Today was relatively quiet. I was able to personally supervise everyone, most of the day. Except for that one little period of time this afternoon. Another cell phone call, this time from my crew. They were spraying on a very tar-like, black waterproofing substance on the outside of a new basement. Apparently, they “accidently” sprayed some of the neighbors siding with their spray. This time they had called me first, to let me know we “might” be getting a call from an angry homeowner. Fantastic. So my De Facto New Years resolution is simple. I’m replacing all my other resolutions, with one I truly plan on carrying out. In 2009, I am going to murder a retarded person. Oh, and get in shape too.