A Little Too Convenient

November 30, 2009

What a wild wacky week it’s been in the world of sports. Some things expected, some mind blowingly surprising, but everything that went down this past week had me hooked.
First off, Tiger Woods was in a horrible “car accident”. His face got busted up pretty bad in this “car accident”. It occurred the “morning” after Thanksgiving, at almost 3 a.m. and Tiger wasn’t “drinking”, but somehow he managed to crash his Cadillac Escalade through a fire hydrant, and into a tree at the end of his driveway, all by “himself”. It just so happens, that a news story had just broke about Tiger having an affair with some chick who “isn’t in any way skanky-looking”. http://media.sawfnews.com/images/Entertainment/Rachel_Uchitel_Tiger_Woods_mistress.jpg 
I gotta say, I think Tiger can do a lot better than some old lady in a blue pantsuit. It’s not even a very nice pant-suit either. Oh well, it’s his life.
Anywhoo, I digress. So Tiger was “sober” and leaving his house “in no hurry” well after midnight. He hit this tree at a speed slow enough to not set off the airbags, or do any major damage to the car except for the bumper. His wife, who just so happened to also be awake at this time, and down by the road, and conveniently carrying a golf club when all this went down. She “went to his rescue”, saw that he had bumped into a tree, and was in need of a rescue. So she busted out the back windows of the escalade with the golf club so she could “save him”. He also had cuts to his face from the ‘car accident”, blood in his mouth, and was drifting in and out of conciousness. All from the “car accident”.
I can buy that.
So a super in-shape dude, crashes his rather large SUV into a tree, not fast enough to set off the airbag, and was knocked out. His teeny-tiny hot assed wife went to go save him. Instead of opening the driver’s door, the passenger door, or either of the rear passenger doors, the damage from the low-speed accident was so bad that she had to break out both rear windows, so she could “carry” her 200 plus pound superstar husband, who wasn’t just busted for banging some waitress in Australia. Adrenaline can do crazy things, sounds do-able to me. Besides, she lives in a golf course community, and her husband is a golfer, so that must be why she had a golf club with her at 3 a.m.
Maybe Tiger did really hit his face “repeatedly” on the steering wheel. It all sounds good to me.
Of course we could consider one other option.
After Tiger’s affair became public, and his wife found out, Tiger discovered his wife is a high-ranking member of the Swedish mafia, and had to put him in check with a 9 iron.
That would explain the busted face, and him being knocked out. But how did the crazy scenario of the low-speed wreck come about. I think it went something like this.
…..”Tiger honey, I’m sorry I had to hit you with the golf club again, but you left me with no choice. I warned you about banging skanky cocktail waitresses. Now if anyone asks what do you say?” said Elin, as she twirled the 9 iron in front of a bleeding Tiger.
“I had another car accident. Honey, I’m so sorry.” cried Tiger
“Good boy”. said Elin. “Now go crash that shitty American made SUV into the neighbors tree again, I’ll knock out the rest of the windows to make it look like a really bad accident.”
“Yes Elin. Whatever you say.” said Tiger, as he choked on his own blood. I’ll never do it again honey I swear. Please put down the golf club.
And then Tiger drove down the driveway. As Elin lit a cigar, and wiped the splattered blood off her giant diamond ring.


Where’s The Love?

November 24, 2009

Let me first say, I think post-season awards in sports mean just about as much as Oprah selecting your book for her book-of-the-month. Sure, there will be a sudden surge in popularity, but you’ll soon find out your fame is neither warranted, or lasting.
Don’t get me wrong, there was once a time when these things meant something. The Heisman for example would go to the best player in College football, no matter what team he played for, or what position he lined up at. Not that long ago, lineman who were so clearly dominant at least got a 3rd place finish in the race. Now however, all that is changed. Just being the quarterback of a first place team is enough to win it all. Take tim Tebow. Sure, he lost every big game he played in during his Heisman season, and had very bad stats in those games, but the hype, and his dominance over South Carolina, and the Citadel got him an award. Now, he’s right back in the mix, despite mediocre stats, and bad performances in big games this year. You would think I wouldn’t even care about these things, but sadly, that’s just not the case.
At yesterday’s Big Ten awards, 2 Ohio State players got first team all conference. Just one was selected by the coaches, and the media alike. Neither Thaddeus Gibson, or Cameron Heyward, who will both be first round draft picks, and dominated league play, got first team nods.
Jim Tressell, still has yet to win conference coach of the year, even though he has just won his 6th straight conference title (outright this season). He’s also the only coach on the conference to win a BCS title since he got to Ohio State.
No love at all.
Am I the only one who see’s something wrong with this? Yes, it does go against my thought’s on awards only going to first place teams, and their players, but there’s gotta be a little gray area right?
Can you honestly look at the talented players OSU has, and say that only one of them is better than every other position player in the league?
Has there really been a Big ten coach who did a better job than Tress every year?
At least these football awards are coming when it is still relevant. Baseball is just now finishing up their awards, and nobody cares. I think the last award is handed out during the fifth game of the next season.
Lets either make the awards not only matter, but go to people who deserve them, or just do away with them entirely.

More Good News

November 23, 2009

Here with another update on the “what search engine terms lead people here” front, we have the usual suspects, and once again, one for the ages.
Of course there are the same dozen or so folks who are looking for nude pics of Elle MacPherson, people can’t seem to get enough of her, and for someone who has posed in Playboy, you’d think several other sites would pop up before me, but the internets are funny like that.
Again, there is one more “WOW” factor search engine term, that is yet again right there at the bottom. How this one got here, I have no idea, but hey, whatever it takes is my motto.

Search Engine Terms

These are terms people used to find your blog.


Search Views
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“elle macpherson” playboy 1
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So there it is, peehole fuck now brings people here, and I have no idea why.
For a type of intercourse that is pretty much the accepted norm the whole world over, is there really a need to google it?

That’s More Like It

November 23, 2009

Not that I am any way happy about it, but I was starting to get worried there for a moment. Finally, the old Bengals showed up in Oakland, and all is right in the world again. let’s hope the evil-twin Bengals that have been here most of the year come back before we blow this whole thing, and return to the land of 8-8.
I gotta say after watching the buckeyes play Tressell ball for almost 4 straight quarters after the Forcier fumble in the end zone, I had pretty much all I could handle of watching my team try to hold onto a lead, and go all out in search of the ever elusive non-loss. Little did I know, Marvin Lewis was also planning on nearly 4 full quarters of Tressell Ball.
I’m not sure how much more I can take. Watching a team dominate out of the gate, and then go for the no-loss as opposed to the win is going to take about 20 years off my life. If the Bengals start doing this also, which has been an indication this season, I’ll be dead by week 14. Something has to give.
I think it was easier on me when my team sucked, and the surprise of victory was enough of a shock to my system that it knocked whatever might have been clogging arteries loose, and actually improved my health, if not my self-esteem.
I can take no more Tressell Ball. I can understand it when your QB is Terrelle Pryor, and you aren’t convinced he’s not gonna do something stupid enough to cost you the game, but come on, the Bengals have too many weapons to do this. Go for the kill, for me please.
Tressell Ball works, don’t get me wrong, the proof is in the pudding. The only problem is, there are certain situations where Tressell ball almost always fails.
They include:
1. The other team is good
2.The other team is trying to win
3. The other team is almost as good as you, is in their home stadium, and is executing well, and is trying to win.
4. You try to start doing it after the first series of the game, giving the opponent 3.5 quarters to figure it out.
5. You are a team/franchise that has an uncanny ability to find ways for the most impossible/unluckiest/unbelievable ways to lose games, right at the end, in dramatic fashion.

So this time, the Bengals paid the price for trying to play Tressell ball, and make no mistake. Had it not been for Tate Forcier having one of the worst games of all-time, the Buckeyes would have suffered a similar fate. Lucky for us in Buckeye nation, the Master knew what he was doing, and Michigan sucked this year.

Larry Legend

November 19, 2009

Is this Larry Johnson thing really happening. I made a joke when Benson went down, that Larry Johnson’s agent was already staging a contract holdout with the Bengals. Sadly, this may actually be true.
It went from rumor, to maybe, to a done deal in about a day and a half.
So I guess LJ is a Bengal. All there is left to do is wait and see if he’s really washed up, or broke down, or if he was really just that pissed off in KC.
At the very least, he’s got a much better line blocking for him, and instead of worrying about finishing last, he’s on a playoff team.
Of course, he coud really be worn out, and that much of a shithead. Looks like we’ll all find out soon enough, as the Bengals take on a daunting challenge the next three weeks. Oakland, Cleveland, and Detroit. Murderer’s row.
The old Bengals would lose at least one of these games. So we’ll see.

I do have some personal interests tied up on this one. I have an all-Bengals fantasy football team (unwise, but they won the Championship the first year I did it, so I’m playing with house money) and I really have been counting on Bernard Scott taking the reigns at some point in the season. Don’t get me wrong, I love Benson, and hope he comes back strong, but I do wanna see Scott get some carries. Partly because he may end up being awesome, and partly because I am the only person in the world with him on their fantasy team.
I suppose I could always trade for LJ, just to be safe, but my money is on Bernard.

The Shiniest Of All The Turds

November 16, 2009

Congrats to my Ohio State Buckeye’s, on a fifth straight Big Ten Title. Well done boy’s. It was a rebuilding year, and you still came out on top once again. There should be a 3-way tourney between the winner’s of the Big Ten, ACC, and Big East to decide once and for all, who is the most polished turd in all the land.
Despite the low state of the Big Ten, there is a glimmer of hope. Michigan, Purdue, and Michigan State could be pretty solid next year to go along with Wisconsin, Penn State, and of course my Buckeyes. However, that is just speculation, for the time being, the Big Ten Blows. You can shine a turd only so long, and in the end, it’s still a turd, and the Buckeye’s are the shiniest this year. In years past, the Buckeyes have been pretty good, and the conference just sucked. This year, there was really no reason the Buckeyes should have won the title, but they did, and I salute them.
To really point out how bad things are in Big ten land, ask yourself this. Who should win Conference offensive MVP? Really put some thought into it, and consider what “MVP”, and “Offensive” mean. Be honest, and you actually have to consider Terrelle Pryor pretty seriously. Not only do you have to really consider him for this, but you may have to admit he’s the favorite. There are some other names out there, but nobody really stepped up, and if they did, their team didn’t fare so well, so how much of an MVP could they be?
Has a punter ever won conference offensive MVP?
But anywho, we do need to salute the Buckeye’s, especially the players. All of Buckeye Nation should also take a minute to salute Charlie Weiss, for if not for him, we would be preparing for our fifth straight bowl loss. Imagine how awesome it has to feel to be a Senior on this Buckeye team. All those conference title’s, and all those Bowl losses. What an honor. Most people are lucky if they lose two Bowl game’s, but these guys have a shot at 4 straight.
Go get ’em Buckeye’s, and stick it to Michigan on your way into the sunset.
But don’t play too hard. Gotta save some of that energy for the Bowl loss.

Don’t tell me..

November 15, 2009

The goal of going the entire week without finding out the results of the Pac-man/Cotto fight lasted all of about 9 hours. Oh well, I’ll still watch the HBO broadcast and pretend I don’t know the results next Saturday.
My luck got better as the day went on however.
I got all through the first half of the Bengals game, before the D man woke from his nap. He hadn’t been outside til that point, so he was ready to make up for lost time. I fired up the DVR, changed the channel on the television so I wouldn’t walk in at a crucial moment, and ruin my surprise. I headed out, and left the second half to fate. We were at the park for a couple hours, and I decided to stretch play time a little long, since I had left the upstairs television on, and couldn’t risk walking in and hearing the score. So we kept playing until my wife got home, and could turn off the t.v., and make sure the game was over.
Once all was clear, I got the boy a snack, and prepared to watch the second half, while trying ot not get my hopes too high. The Buckeyes survived Tressell ball and won the Big ten Title yesterday, and I had counted this game as a loss for my Bengals all along. But ‘Oh how sweet it would be if they did win this one’. They survived some shitty officiating, a couple botched kicks, and were right there in the thick of it at half-time. I had good reason to hope for the best.
Well, we all know the good guys won in the end this time. the Bengals got their moment in the sun, and people are starting to pay attention to the re-birth of the Jungle Defense. Bernard Scott finally got a chance to shine, Palmer was mistake free, and they punched the Steelers in the mouth. Life is pretty good right now, I do have to admit.
It’s not all bad Steelers fans. You’ll still make the playoff’s, and it’s not like your starting QB has a rape trial to worry about in the offseason….Oh that’s right!
At the beginning of the year, I made a bet that the Bengals, if Palmer started at least 14 games, would win at least 9. That’s almost academic at this point. Hell, barring a major collapse, I need to start preparing myself for the fact that this is a playoff team. If that happens, look out. After all, Carson Palmer is averaging like 36 yards per snap in the playoff’s. If he stays healthy, and can maintain that average, they’ll win every game 148-12.
The biggest problem facing Bengaldom, is the soon to be onslaught of newly arrived bandwagon Bengals fans. I’ve got mixed thoughts on this one.
On one side, misery love’s company, and I can’t really think of anybody that I don’t like that is a Bengals fan. When two Bengals fans meet at a party, they share a bond of pain that other people just don’t know. (Give it 3 more years lions fans, 6 more for you Cleveland, Raiders fans, we don’t want you) I usually like seeing Bengals fans. Strength in numbers if you will.
However, on the flip side, these folks don’t know what we’ve been through. They’ve never felt our pain. They didn’t put in the hard work we did.
Today, I noticed 3 Bengals flags in our neighborhood. I’ve never seen those flags before. To my knowledge, there’s only been two other Bengals households. One, is a guy from my hometown. He has the same dog, same political belief’s as me, and we often cross paths while wearing the same clothes. My wife calls him my twin, even though we look nothing alike. The other, I’ve never met, but he’s had a Bengals license plate ever since I’ve lived here, so he’s cool too. These new guys, have to prove their worth. Sure, I like that they are Bengals fans, but I despise Bandwagon Jumpers. If your team is out of it, and you want to root for a team through the playoff’s by al means, pick a temporary team until next season. But real Bengals fans, have been through too many kicks to the balls to welcome these guys with open arms. If you want to come on the bandwagon, you need to pass this test.
You need to have at least one old school Bengals jersey, with a really shitty players name on the back. Say, Kijana Carter, Odell Thurman, or Carl Picken’s like me. You need to know what Darnay Scott’s number was.
You need to know what Eric Bieniemy’s nickname was
You have to have argued at least once about how Ron Dugans was a solid NFL receiver.
You need to know the name of the former Penn State fullback who’s release from the Bengals caused a fan walk-out.
You have to be able to name at least two of the starting DB’s from the Bengals last super bowl.
You need to know the name of the Bengals defensive lineman that broke his leg in that Super Bowl.
Finally, you also need to know the name of the Bengals who had a cocaine fueled meltdown the night before that big game.
If you can meet this criteria, welcome aboard. If not, this is the Bengals, don’t get too comfy.

What the….

November 11, 2009

One of my almost daily rituals, is to log into the site-manager section of this blog, and see what crazy routes strangers take, to find themself at this blog. There’s been some real doozies in the past, but I think today I found my all-time favorite.
There’s of course the usual search engine terms that led people here like: Erin Andrew’s nude, and Side Boob. I do admit, that simply typing the words Side Boob into google will lead you here makes me very warm and fuzzy inside.
However, the one right at the bottom came as a surprise.
Take a peak.

Search Engine Terms

These are terms people used to find your blog.


Search Views
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Search Views
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http://www.chrishasaids.com 1
What the hell?
Is this really what it’s come too? I guess it could be worse, I did say I may have contracted Super AIDS a few times, but it turns out that was just poison ivy. I never would have thought it would come to this.
I of course had to type www.chrishasaids.com into google just to see what all the fuss was about. After all, one other person did it and ended up here. I have to nip these things in the bud before a trend begins and this site goes from the craphole it is now, to an AIDS sight.
What I found was a little surprising. I was number 2 in the results, which made me feel a little better. Number one, was a facebook page, about some dude who may or may not have just died of AIDS. Half the people were making fun of this guy, and the other half were truly concerned about him. I couldn’t tell if Chrishasaids was some dude who actually had aids, or is the british version of gay humor like the Chuck Norris jokes were in America.
Number 3, was maybe the dumbest youtube video ever, about two gay high school kids arguing about which of the two had AIDs. After watching about 9 seconds of it, I determined that if either one had it, the other would be getting it soon enough.
So now I’m in a pickle.
On one hand, I like that people can accidently stumble upon this site when they are looking for something completely different. I like thinking that maybe somehow, in some little way I was able to ruin their day.
On the other hand, I can’t have a bunch of AIDs people visiting this site. I have a PC, and get a ton of viruses, the last thing I need is a bunch of AIDS floating around on my computer. I really don’t want to have to go to all the trouble of finding how to block my site from the search engines. i have neither the focus, nor the CPU skills to pull that off, and besides. If I did that, where would all the people looking for Elle MacPherson nude photo’s go?

Slow down folks

November 10, 2009

It hurts me to do this, it really does, but someone has to do it. Something I actually like, is getting a little carried away. At least their fans are. Somebody needs to step up and knock them down a peg.
I’ve hear the saying a lot in my life, but I’m not sure I’ve ever used it before. Somebody out there is getting a little big for their britches.
I’m talking about University of Cincinnati Football, and most importantly, the Bearcats fans. I like UC football. I root for them whenever they are on, and hope they can become a perennial power out of the Big East, and shine a light on the football talent in Ohio. The problem is, with their recent success, fans who should be grateful, and cordial, are getting a little carried away.
UC football went from loveable loser’s, to everybody’s darling, to University of Kentucky basketball fans, in about a year and a half.
They’re like Reds Sox fans after they won their first World Series. They had a ton of “extra” fans, who were pulling for the loveable loser’s, and then after they finally won something, they started acting like Yankees fans. I’m sad to say, I once owned a Red Sox hat. My bad on that one. 
If I have to hear from one more UC fan, about how they are “sooo much better than Ohio State” I’m going to shove a skyline cheese coney up someone’s anus. UC, is in no way better than OSU. Yes, they are good, and can put up a ton of points, but OSU’s defensive line would have a field day with the bearcats. I realize Tony Pike can pile up stats, and yes, is a far better passer than Terrelle Pryor. But OSU could still beat UC even with a bad outing from Terrelle. The difference between these two players is, nobody in a UC jersey could corral Pryor, and there is about 16 defenders who play regularly for the Buckeyes, that could end Pikes career.
It’s not like UC has been beating up on the AFC North here. It’s the Big East.
Look, I’m pulling for UC, and hope they can win out. However, I really, really do not want to have to watch Florida, or Texas beat them by 30 in the title game. Hope for a bowl showdown against TCU, or Boise State Bearcats fans. Know your place in society.
I hope UC can keep getting better, and maybe even become an in-state rival, who can have yearly match-ups with my Buckeyes. I just want UC fans to get some perspective. This is the worst OSU team in the past 5 years maybe, and I’m still pretty certain they could cover a 10 point spread against UC. On the flip side, this si th best UC team, since they started using facemasks.
Be happy with what you’ve got going, but try to be somewhat gracious with your limited success. If not, I’m going to start lobbying for a Xavier Football squad, just so they can beat you in football every year also.


November 9, 2009

Oh how happy am I?
Almost too happy for words. But I’ll still give it a shot.
Buckeyes, as I have said, won the one game that would decide whether or not they would win the Big Ten, and now all of Buckeye nation has forgotten about Purdue, which could be a Big Ten Bowl spoiler, if they can pull it off and be eligible,
My Blue Jackets, picked themselves’ up off the ice, and all of a sudden are in first place in their division.
Tim Tebow’s stats are so bad, even a total retard will admit he can’t win a Heisman.
Charlie Weiss, the smartest football mind of all time, is only weeks away from joining 3 time Heisman trophy winner Ron Powlus as the most worthless turd in Notre Dame history, and also adding to the unemployment stats. Can’t wait to see how long it takes chuck to burn through 18 million dollars at the Sizzler.
And of course, MY Bengals!
Oh, my Bengals. How happy have you made me? Next week doesn’t even matter. We’re so far ahead of schedule on my 9 wins prediction, that I could care less about a game in Pittsburgh. We’ve got Cleveland, Oakland, and Detroit sitting out there in our final six games. We may actually make the Playoffs. All I care about is the cash. I spoke with the guy who bet me on the total number of Bengals wins tonight, and he all but conceded.
Part of the reason this all tastes so sweet, is the way it went down.
While watching the pre-game shows, I saw, and heard, the same things, over, and over, and over. “The Ravens defense” was gonna be the reason Baltimore would win this game. A rare mention about sensible things, from people who actually watch the games like, “Cedric Benson”, and “The Bengals Offensive Line”. For the most part, the pro’s went with the ole stand-by, the Ravens Defense.
I was actually mad at my television before the game. partly because I couldn’t believe how blatantly obvious it was that these guys had no clue about what they were saying, partly because I saw Dan Fouts was doing the game. Is it that hard to figure out?
The current year, is 2009. Not 1999. The Ravens defense, isn’t half as good as the Bengals. Plain and simple. Yes, they make some mistakes, and are missing a few key pieces, but in every aspect the guys in the striped helmets are better than the Baltimore version.
Linebackers? We have Keith River’s, and my new best friend Rey Mauluga to go along with a solid Dhani Jones. Baltimore has lost it’s best linebacker to free agency each of the last two years. Ray Lewis is a mere figurehead, who’s next shot at glory is a feature role on the CBS show Cold Case, as an accessory to Murder.
DB’s? I’ll take Jo-Jo, and Leon Hall, over the soft corners of Baltimore every week. Ed Reed is nice, but an NFL Safety needs a little help from his friends to be great, and Ed’s friends are second tier.
DL? It’s close here, but the Bengals own the depth on this one, as seen last week, when each team was without it’s best lineman.
The proof, is now in the pudding, and I love pudding.
So thanks idiot ESPN/CBS analysts, who haven’t paid attention to anything but highlights the last ten years. Thanks for making this win that much more sweet. Without you, it would have been just another win I expected to happen.
Because of you I’m not even worried about whether or not Chris Henry gets addicted to painkillers.