Spring is here

March 21, 2008

According to the calendars, and the old popes, spring has arrived! The real thing to brighten everyones day, of course the NCAA tourney. This is the best four day stretch in all of sports, and maybe the best four day stretch of the year. Two days of non-stop basketball from lunch to last call, folowed by two more full days of slightly more competitive games. Hope everyone has some great excuses for skipping work, or enough freedom to take time and enjoy the glorious tourney magic. Lucky for me, my boss forgot that last year my excuse was cause I had to get a vascectomy, that coulda been awkward. Pretty straight forward so far, Duke and Xavier might have scared some folks, but the night is still young. Speaking of which, does anyone else think all the white guys on Wisconsin look like German badguys from the movies. I like Bo Ryan and all, but do you really need four white SS agents pulling down rebounds. Lets get these boys some grecian formula or something.

Rejoice everyone! Rejoice! Terrell Pryor has chosen the buckeyes! We’ll be undefeated for like the next century now! Even though everyone knew he was going to choose OSU, as everyone of his friends, family, and coaches pretty much confirmed this, he still got to have his own press confrence. As long as he can learn some humility, and keep his name out of the news for off field stuff, fights, girls, academics, laws, and corvette’s, he’ll fit in just fine. The real news is Michigan putting all their eggs in his basket, and now being fucked. Word is the UM football program will disband any mnute now. Most of their starters will either audition for American Idol, or work at the flint kewpee. I realize he was an electrifying high school player, and has endless potential, but tress needs to be real careful with this cat. Yeah he’s really fast, but so is Chris Wells. Everytime he carries the ball, that’s one less carry for Beanie. Every time he passes the ball, one less pass for todd boekman, who with a year under his belt, could have a monster year. I do look forward to Pryor and saine running options around the corner. OSU needs to copy the way urban meyer used pee drinking Tim Tebow as a frosh, and all will be well. Get creative, but let the studs do the legwork until he gets his feet wet. Good luck terrell, may the force be with you, and stop worrying about the NFL and the NBA, start worrying about where to park your vette on campus.

Since the NCAA tourney is upon us, and CBS has all the coverage locked down. Lets not forget about the NIT teams, and of course the broadcasters and their networks. No mussberger doesn’t get to just sit around bars all day waiting for football season, he still has to work. that’s why I’m proud to announce I’ve included the ESPN broadcasting team in this weeks edition of “Who would you rather bang?”

Erin Andrews vs. Steve Lavin’s wife

Miss Andrews was voted playboys sexiest sideline girl, and who can argue. http://ballsiest.com/sportsblog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/erin-andrews.jpg nobody wears a sweater like miss andrews. A hot young dish from the deep south, she was a sorority sister at the university of Florida, so she’s probably easy, and may have crabs. Either way, it’s hard to argue against this former UF Dance Team member. Whether it’s fighting off the advances of 19 year old boys, or flirting with herbstreit, Erin never misses a step. She sports a rockin body http://www.redsoxtimes.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/erinandrews.jpg and you know she likes sports. Plus she can get tickets to just about any sporting event worth watching.

Mary (new wife of steve) Lavin, sports a whole different kind of sexy. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1706025/mediaindex Not a whole lot is known about her, except she’s from flint michigan, so you know she likes kewpee, and thus is also probably easy. Her husband is weird looking and uses more hair gel than an 8th grade glee club, so she may be a gold digger, but hey it’s who would you rather bang? not who would you rather buy a mercedes for? This caramel skinned honey gets a few extra points for that ever classy upper boob tatoo http://www.faniq.com/blog/College-Hoops-Hot-Coachs-Wife-Index-Is-The-New-RPI-Blog-6940 which proves the theory on kewpee/easiness. Whether you call it cleavage ink, or an alabaman birthmark, that is one nice boob tatoo.

Our candidates have pleaded their case, wether it’s the hot blonde with the sometimes big southern hair, or the spicy burnette with the questionable choice of wedding dress, this could be a barnburner. Without further delay, let the voting begin.

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March Madness

March 14, 2008

It’s here, and I got it bad. The weather is finally in the 60’s and theres a full slate of HD Basketball on all day. Does it get any better than this? Throw in the NFL draft, and free agent news, and upcoming baseball season, along with the final NHL playoff push, it’s the greatest sports time of the year. We’ve all seen the stats on how much money is lost due to lack of productivity during march madness, but what about beer sales, and gambling, and business increases at sports bars? This time of the year makes me proud to be an American, and a thirsty one at that. With this wonderful season comes a few downfalls. Take the NCAA basketball awards. Tyler Hansbrough is pretty much sweeping the player of the year awards, which makes me want to puke. Let me go on record that Tyler Hansbrough is a no talent ass clown, who gets away with too many fouls. Since he wears the Carolina blue he gets all the credit and then some, while the real best player gets totally shafted. Michael Beasley is far and away better at basketball, and way less gay as well. While Beasley will have a long career in the NBA, Hansbrough is destined for a career of doing hyundai adds all over the Carolina’s. Last year everybody was sold on Kevin Durant as player of the year, which he deserved, if Oden had played at full strength all season it would have been a different story. This year, KSU’s star player has stats just as good, averaging 26 and 12 a game, and pretty much carrying his team on his back. But everyone loves Tyler.

The other ass chapping factor of early march is the low level teams getting into the tourney. I know everyone loves the little guys, busting up the party. Not if you bet on the games you don’t. how many Brackets get destroyed because Vermont goes ape shit from three point land? It’s just not fair. Take this season for example. Normal upper seeds like maryland, kentucky, florida, Ohio State, and Syracuse are all on the verge of getting kept out of the tourney, so we can have both Gonzaga, and the University of San Diego. Meanwhile we make spots for squads like sienna, drake, Mt. St. mary’s, and Sacred heart. I enjoy watching last second heroics from teams like Valpo as much as the next guy, but all these teams that just barely miss the cut would be at worst 12 seeds, do we really need all the shithole teams with no chance? Lets just make it the top 64 teams and let them go at it. I doubt OSU could go very far against the teams with big men down low, but does anybody think they couldn’t give a perimeter team like Duke a run?

Good news Reds fans! Remeber Josh Hamilton, that budding future star with limitless potential, that Brain dead Wayne Krivsky traded for a couple of nobody pitchers? Yeah he leads all players in RBI’s this spring, and is hitting the shit out of the ball. Yeah!!! Oh well, I’m sure the middle reliever we got from Colorado will make one bad-assed number 4 starter.

Thanks to all who contributed to the master list of best comedies, feel free to keep adding. I’m still a little pissed about forgetting Jackass, and Office space, but this blog is pretty worthless anywho. It’s time for the much anticipated new log site first edition of the ever exciting, “Who would you rather bang?” We take a little bit out of the Headlines, both new and old for this weeks matchup.

Former NY Governor Elliot Spitzer’s hooker who’s name is either Ashley Alexandra Dupre, or Ashley Youmans, no word on if she is jermaine’s little sis or not, but her callgirl name is ‘Kristen’ and she’s smokin hot. http://www.holytaco.com/2008/03/12/creepy-or-sexy-eliot-spitzers-whore/ she’s not all tanlines and camel toe though, she cleans up pretty nice http://www.chickipedia.com/Ashley_Alexandra_Dupre Apparently she only allows pictures one day a year, but she knocks them out of the park. She apparently is a former runaway, so she’d probably do ya for a sleeping bag, or some pizza rolls, and maybe a little blow. Her only downfall may be her price, somewhere in the ballpark of just under 5 grand an hour, but ‘hey’ the contest is who would you rather bang, not who would you rather take on a five hour date.

her opponent, is no stranger to sex scandals either. Anyone remember that hot assed, batshit crazy teacher who hooked up with a 14 year old student, Debra Lafave? I do. She may be totally nuts, maybe she was sexually assaulted as a youth, like she says, who knows, who cares? All I do know is this, she’s not to hard on the eyes. http://www.chickipedia.com/Debra_LaFave Plus we know she spent a lot of money on defense attorney’s and isn’t allowed to make money off a book, so she’s got to be hurting for cash, which levels the field with her opponent. Her excuse was she was an alchoholic, so you might have a chance, just bring a bottle of sour apple martini’s and let the good times roll.

Both opponents have made their case, one likes young black kids, the other likes politicians, which rules me out for both, but god willing someday I’ll be a young black boy. Which would you rather bang my friends?

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

February 15, 2008

Hope everyone gets laid, it’s Valentines Day!!! Sarah and I boozed it up all night long. She’s drinkin for two, so she’s no longer a cheap date. Maybe it’s the pregnancy, maybe there’s a little complacancy being married five years, but no traditional valentines day affairs for us. No fancy dinners, no long stem roses. Fajitas and lots of chocolate, and a few Bud Lights. Sounds good to me.The sting of not having reds tickets is really setting in. I’ll do “anything” for opening day tickets. “Anything” So if anyone wants all the yardwork done, or even a “hot-lunch” let me know. I’m desperate. What was so wrong about the old system? I realize this way they get people to buy tickets to more than just opening day, but has anyone in the reds front office considered not having a team that’s shitty? I doubt teams like the yankees and red sox have to sell their opening day tickets this way. I’m sure even the lowly cubs get by without resorting to these tactics, they suck worse than anyone, and still get people to fill in that shit hole know as wrigley day in and day out. Maybe it’s the fact that residents of Chicago aren’t all hillbillies, maybe it’s the draft Olde Style, nobody knows. All I know is this. if I don’t make it to opening day, I’m gonna be a real asshole to be around until odell thurman falls off the wagon, or the Buckeyes win a bowl game. My money’s on odell.

This day also marks one of my favorite days of the year. the day the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue arrives! For centuries this edition has ushered boys into manhood. It’s not as cool as like ‘Brown Sugar’ or ‘Swank’, and no it dosn’t arrive as often as the Victorias Secret catalog, but it’s packed with sexiness, and has been a staple underneath young boys mattresses for years. In honor of this holiest of days, I bring you the SI Swimsuit edition of “who would you rather bang?”

Kathy Ireland vs. Elle Macpherson

Miss Ireland was so hot she didn’t even need to be from Ireland, to take the name. Apparently she’s from California, but we won’t hold that against her. Not only did she steam up the pages of the SI Swimsuit edition for years http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/swimsuit/collection/issues/ultimate_swimsuit/ult_kireland_01.html  She also had one hell of an acting career. She stole Emilio Estevez’s heart in ‘Loaded Weapon’ in where she proved she had no problems hookin up in a trailer. Her greatest, and most heralded award was for her role in one of the top 38 football movies of all time, Necessary Roughness. In this film she changed the world of placekicking for all time. Her clutch kicking helped the Paul Blake led TSU Armadillos pull of a miracle season, capped off with a win over rival Texas university. She did however like to kick dudes in the nuts. She loses points for this.

Elle Macpherson, a hottie from down under backs down to nobody. http://www.sipictures.com/source/CFW/details_Pop.aspx?iid=92065839&cdi=0 She was a staple cover girl, and had many a sexy photoshoot inside, for years. Her acting career was not nearly as vast. She appeared as a guest star for a few episodes on ‘friends’, which we will dock her points for. She did more than cancel this out by posing in playboy http://nudes-celeb.net/tgp/1_Elle_Macpherson/elle-macpherson-nude_11.jpg This should level the playing field. She also apparently was nude in a few B-movie roles, I’ll have to check late night Cinemax for more details.

Let the voting begin.

Posted on Thursday, February 14, 2008 at 10:15PM

Take your pick

February 15, 2008

Before we get to the meat and potato’s. Let’s start a new weekly tradition. A tradition that will inspire deep intellect, soul searching, and a society wide revolution. A tradition I’m sure will inspire many a great conversations in the comments section, and inspire social change. What shall we call this tradition. How ’bout, “Who Would You Rather Bang?”This week the contestants are two of my personal faves, and are sure to make some tough choices for some of you out there. We can even make a bracket format, and have winner take all, or likely take none. So without further delay, here they be.Ms. Garret from ‘the Facts Of Life’ vs. the queer kid from ‘Who’s the Boss?’

Ms. garret has plenty of enduring qualities, cooking, good one liners, and has no problem raising a yuppie, a black chic, a  butch lesbian, and a fat chick, at the same time. Not to mention she knows  Molly Ringwald (season one for all you facts of life posers). But it’s not about lifelong qualities. It’s about who you’d rather bang, one time only, fate of mankind is at hand. however if tudi were watching the banging this would surely sway ole chris. Now Johnathan from who’s the boss, has some strong arguments as well. Sweet hair, snappy comebacks, walked in on Allissa Milano in the tub (season’s 2 and 5) and sported the sweater vest way before Jim Tressel. Now I don’t swing that way, but if I did, he’d easilly crack my top 32. His grandma was O.K., and his Mom was 50/50, but she was no Carol Seaver, for sure. Plus I’m fairly certain he does anal. Plenty of good arguments for each challenger. However the fact that afterwords, she would bring me a nice mug of Cocoa, and read me a story, I’m gonna have to bang Ms. Garrett. What does the world have to say? Check the comments. Everyone must vote.

Our ole friend Dick Rod. is having the best week ever. The whole Enron thing has passed, now WVU is accusing him of making unauthorized calls to UM recruits from a WVU cell phone. I would say WVU needs to move on, but it’s hillarious. They honestly hate eachother. If there is a god, UM will play WVU in a bowl game every year. His hometown took down the sign that says “Home of Rich Rodriguez” as you roll into town on a coal car. He is officially the Ray Finkle of West Virginia. Laces out Bitch.

Further down the road to East Lansing. Yes, you beat the buckeyes. However, you have no center, and no chance at advancing come late march. The thing that stood out most to me was, Michigan State’s infatuation with the movie 300. I have no problem with 300. I own it, and watched it less than a week ago. I get that your mascot is a “spartan” but seriously, enough is enough. You aren’t real spartans. Nobody is. Moments before they take the court, the videotron plays the clip from the movie that goes, “Spartans! Prepare for Glory” and the crowd goes wild. Do you guys know that “preparing for glory” for the real spartans meant death? Or that they would strip nude and wash eachother, to prepare for the afterlife, as it is well documented that they did. So what you are saying is that you are all gay, and facing death. Why not just play a clip of Tom Hanks with AIDS in the movie ‘Philadelphia’ if you all want to be doomed fags? Or ‘Heathers’ “I love my dead gay son” can really fire up a crowd. After made freethrows by the home team, the MSU student section calls out “AHHOOOOW”. This was the battle chant all greek soldiers cried out in response to the generals chants. It was derived from the dying words of the runner who announced the victory of the battle at Marathon. The persian soldiers “stole” this chant and used it in future battles to mock greek soldiers. The U.S. marines facing infinite doom, in the battle of tripolli, but saved by the antics of Steven Decatour, turned things around, thus turning the chant around on persian soldiers, in a chant still used today “WOOOHHA”! (sorry to get off subject, I did a book report on the spartans in 10th grade and have been saving it). Now I do have one last point. Did you fair MSU fans know that it was common practice, for the spartan generals, and officers, to sodomize the common soldiers (who responded AHHOOOOW), in front of the others to instill dominance and respect? So everytime you assclowns chant, AHHOOOOW you are inviting Tom Izzo, or a 6’7″ power forward to ram you in the ass. One of these guys is from Lima, so it will happen. Good luck the rest of the season, you sodomy craving douche bags. I hope this makes home games a little more gay.

P.S. Marsha Jackson gave me an A on the book report, sodomy included.

Posted on Thursday, January 17, 2008 at 09:47PM