Dog for sale

August 31, 2008

I am selling a year and a half old male black lab mix, named Rudi. Will also trade said dog for a dog named Kenny or DeDe, but ideally would be trading for a dog named Ladanian, Adrian, or Lawrence. He’s a nice dog, but his hamstring has een bothering him as of late. I am willing to thro in an Odell Thurman jersey, only worn a couple times.

As many have heard, my Bengals have cut Rudi Johnson, the stud running back whole stole my heart, and forced me to name a puppy after him. Since then, the puppy has gotten really big, started to eat out of the cats litter box, and the real Rudi, has started to suck. The Bengals plan, is that Chris Perry will not get hurt, for the first time in his career. The Bengals continue to have no answer, in the decades long battle with shittiness. I’m not saying Rudi was going to be healthy, and be a pro bowler again, but come on, does anyone really think this had anything to do with more than just money? Originally, I had guesstimated the bengals season wins at around 7. After seeing that their offensive line was just as shitty as last years, if not worse, I dropped it to 5 wins. Now I’m hoping for this, just beat cleveland twice, maybe Pittsburgh once, and draft Chris Wells.

Ah yeah, Beanie. My man went down hard this past weekend, and all of buckeye nation holds there breathe. I’m a little dissapointed in OSU fans, yet again. As soon as he went down, they acted like the season was over. The team stepped up the energy, and rallied around him. Terrell Pryor looked great. Devier Posey was as good as advertised. The defense was comically dominant against a weak oponent. The crowd, was dead. One player, especially one backed up by two studs, is not the entire team. These are the good ole days for OSU football. Winning it all, going undefeated, or beating USC, is not the only thing that matters, people. This years squad, is as good as any we’ve had in a long time, on a lot of different levels. I know retards on the internet, and radio have been bashing OSU ever since Tedd Ginn went down in the desert, but enjoy what we got here people. Chances are, the folks who are dishing it out never played for LSU, or Florida. Everyone else, is just looking up at the Buckeye machine with envy, and jealousy. As for the folks who bash OSU for playing a 1-AA, of FCS team, hold on for one second. Theres a hand full of top quality NCAA teams out there, and once you get past that group, the rest are pretty average at best. The difference between teams like NC state, Oregon, and Kentucky to teams like OSU, USC, and Georgia, is far greater than the difference between teams ranked 12-25 to teams like buffalo, delaware, or youngstown state. Outside the top 6 or 8 teams, the rest of the BCS teams all suck, roughly the same ammount of balls. The SEC has 3-4 really good teams, but when it all comes down to it, it should be just Florida, and Georgia. USC stands alone in the PAC-10, WVU should own the Big East, and the Buckeyes shuld win the Big-10 going away. The A.C.C. sucks. The SEC, and the Big-12 are the only BCS confrences that have more than one team that could win the league. Even with that, there is one clear-cut favorite in each league (Florida, and Oklahoma). Every League has one team, that has one tough game at most, and should be a decent odds favorite on every other game. The SEC is without a doubt the strongest confrence, but that’s with 3 solid teams at best. Alabam, Tennessee, and everyone is just not that great. If you lose to them, it’s called an upset for a reason. As for the Big Ten. From what I saw yesterday, if you were to combine the two QB’s who played for michigan, and the QB from Michigan State, into one player, you would have one shitty QB. Those dudes sucked.

As for USC. They have the greatest group of running backs of all time. Earlier this year, they raced the Jamaican 4×100 relay team, and lapped them. Seriousy, can the announcers kiss these guys asses any more? My theory on any team with a “stable” of running backs, who all share time, is that they don’t have a true number 1 back. If these guys are so great, and USC is ranked in the top 3, shouldn’t at least one of them not only win the bulk of the carries, but shouldn’t they be mentioned as heisman candidates? They have some good players, nobody can deny that, but, they ain’t that great. USC is a great program, but every year they finish lower than what they start at, and find themselves losing to unranked teams. Why is this? They run a program, in a weak league that is based on hype, confidence, and flare. They often lose sight of what it takes to win, as is evident by losses to teams like Oregon state, and Stanford. Could Jim Tressel, be using this to his advantage? Could Wells’ ankle injury be a “trojan horse”. What will Pete Carroll’s out of control ego, and confidence be like if they think Wells is hurt? To beat US, all one has to do, is sustain a running game, make quick passes, avoid their constant blitz, and tackle. That’s it. All their success has been off missed tackles, and mistakes caused by blitzing linebackers. OSU practices against a defense, much better than USC. IF this translates into being able to stop the blitz, and still getting 3 plus yards per carry. And, if OSU can spread the field to create space, and force USC into single man-to-man coverage. Guys like Brandon Saine, and terrell pryor will be able to move in space, and sustain long buckeye drives, resulting in buckeye glory. Todd Boekman is not Peyton Manning, but he’s a hell of a lot better than the rookie who strapped up for Virginia. Plus, OSU’s defense feasts on running teams. Looks like we’ll be finding out the truth on the “stable” of running backs in a couple weeks.

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Buckle up

August 28, 2008

The 2008 college football season is finally here. What a night we have in store. A multitude of NFL preseason games, mixed in with some real live college football games, some of them are actually competitive. This should be an amazing season on campuses across the land.

I’ve been back and forth on some predictions for college ball. A few teams have gained some steam, as far as the pundits are concerned. LSU, Auburn, and Michigan State, are quickly becoming dark horse faves for douchebag analysts everywhere. Michigan State, will always be Michigan State. They will be better, but will still find a way to lose at least two games they should have won, and another two games they were supposed to lose. LSU and Auburn will have strong years, but will both be second fiddle SEC teams.

Out west, the big story is with the USC cock wrappers. One thing stands out for me when it comes to this team. Not the “amazing” defense, not dirty sanchez’s knee. The Jock itch. USC has a tough defense, and Sanchez will be o.k., but a case of agressive jock itch, has been waging war on the men of troy all year long. The Jock itch will have the players going full go. Word has it, that it gets pretty itchy when you stop moving. when it all comes down to it, worrying about scratching their balls is what’s gonna cost this team in crunch time, against OSU. I do expect the Jock itch outbreak to be a major recruiting tool for USC. Most colleges bost, tradition, Alumni in the NFL, comradarie, or a strong business school. Few teams can offer rampant crotch fungus, and this will give USC the edge in recruiting battles from here on out.

Stealing the thunder from NCAA football, is the Democratic National Convention. Not to be confused with the Democratic, regional convention, in Gary Indiana. I dream of a land, where things like this are not on our t.v. sets at night. Only psychopathic losers watch programming such as this. Does anyone actually watch either perties convention? If you do, you should really reconsider your life, and look into getting a vascectomy. Do us all a favor on that one. Speaking of things that make me want to snap. Chain e-mails. We’ve all had the email that promised all our dreams to come true, or our weiner grows four inches, or we’ll have good fortune, if we forward it to 10 people. We’ve all also forwarded at least one of those, thinking long and hard about who the ten people least likely to kill us are. Now there is one thing that may be worse than the chain email. The Blog tag. Apparently, you “tag” someone via a blog, as a way for people to check out other peoples blogs. This one was sent to me, via my friend jeremy in ecuador, who is continuing his search for the crystal skulls/serving as international talent scout for girls gone wild. Here’s how the rules on this one work. This is what I have to do, to get my weiner to grow four inches.

* link to the person who tagged me – jeremy at http://www.travelblog.org/Bloggers/scienceking/ 
* post the rules on the blog – the rules are here with my blog
* write six random things about myself, and then tag some other bloggers.

so here we go

1. I prefer to pee sitting down when possible. It’s way easier when you’ve been drinking, and is quite nice.

2. I like to pee a little, then flush the toilet, and try and race the draining water with my pee. Being in a sitting position forces you to go off sound alone in this race, and makes it that much more fun.

3. I once crapped myself a little while doing this at work. this was before I started mixing in the whole peeing sitting down thing. It was on a friday morning, after I had been drinking. Can anyone say 3 day weekend?

4. I’ve always wanted to hunt a man for sport.

5. I get freaked out by E.T. I can’t be in a room where that movie is playing, or hear the music, and especially not his E.T. voice. Those long fingers and wrinkly neck scare the shit out of me. Steven Spielberg is a dick.

6. I once pee’d the bed after a party, and covered it with a towel, and then slept on the couch. My wife later asked me why there was a wet towel on the bed. I told her I had spilled cold water on myself, and then was wide awake, so I went to the couch, and didn’t want to wake her. I even remember doing it. I had a dream I had to piss real bad, and finally found a place to go (standing up), and then woke up about two thirds the way in. It did feel good though. Laying down pee may be better than sitting down pee.

I’m gonna tag Hannah, she may have some dirty laundry to air out like I did. http://www.runningdownlife.blogspot.com/

I’ll also tag a Tim Tebow blog, since I will never get the chance to bag-tag that dude, I’ll blog tag him instead. http://www.tebowzone.com/ and just for fun, lets tag the NAMBLA website, while we’re at it. Many of you will love this one, and hopefully some google searches will tie in Tim Tebow, and NAMBLA. http://www.nambla.org/  and a scientologists blog, just cause I want to see people fuck with this dude. http://myscientology.blogspot.com/ 

good luck to all, and go easy on the folks at nambla

Neil down

August 27, 2008

In the past week or so, Columbus OH has been the mecca, of the greatest musical acts of all time. I was unable to go to either, and I’m struggling to forgive myself. First, the Jonas brothers came into town. Nary an extra ticket was to be found. I actually have no idea who or waht the Jonas brothers are. I don’t know if they actually sing songs, or shoot ping pong balls out of their man-holes. All I know is from what I saw on one of the 9,000 news stories about them the week of their show, they looked pretty gay. Even so, if 12 year old girls like it, it has to be good, right? I almost googled them, but then righted the ship by punching myself in the groin. The real big ticket, was none other than Neil Diamond. ‘They come to America’ came to columbus, and I missed it as well. It would have actually been fairly sweet to go to a neil diamond concert, just so I could say, “yeah, I got pretty fucked up at the Neil Diamond concert last night”. Consider that an oppurtunity lost. Their is one glimmer of hope though. Apparently, Neil sucked so bad, he may do a make-up show in C-bus. From what I saw on the news, he sucked real bad. The one fat retard news anchor was visibly upset. This was clearly supposed to be the greatest night of the news dude’s life, and Neil Diamond blew it. According to reports, his voice sounded like a mix between stevie nix, and the old lady from goonies. No ammount of chest hair, or old ladies underwear can make up for a shitty voice. I did find an apology from Neil on his website (which I check religiuosly). here it is.

Dear Fans in Columbus,
Please give me a few days to figure out a way to make it up to you. I havenÂ’t let you down before and I wont let you down now. Until you hear from me again remember, You are the sun. I am the moon. You are the words. I am the tune. Forgive me. I love you. Neil.
Read More

What a pimp. Gotta hand it to the guy, he knows how to make a town feel special. I was ready to join the angry mob, but nobody’s ever called me the sun before. Do you think that he meant that for just the people who went to the concert, or everyone in columbus? If he meant everyone, this pretty much cancels out the finishing 2nd in everything fiasco. Yeah we may have been the third fattest city in america a few years back, but’s that’s cause we’re the sun. The obesity helps the whole gravitational pull thing. When neil Diamond comes back to columbus, you can find me front and center, and you can bet on it, that my panties will be the first ones to get tossed onto stage.

I did it! Everyone can kneel down and pucker up. The entire world owes me. I single-handedly got Time Warner to cave. Late last night, mere moments after I blogged about how Time Warner sucks, and threatened to switch cable companies, they gave in. They are now going to carry the Big Ten Network, in it’s entirety. All becauae of me, calling them nazi’s. Nothing gets things done like throwing out the N word. They thought they were gonna get away with screwing everyone over. Lucky for the little man, I am here. I’m like Ralph Nader, except not a worthless assclown. Imagine how different WWII would have been if I had blogged about Hitler in ’36. If the people who selected the members of the U.S. womens gymnastics team would have listened to me, we’d have won gold. The stats on this site may not show it, but clearly this blog is changing the world. We called Adam Dunn a syphillitic turd, and I suggested sending him to Iraq. The reds ship his ass to Arizona, which is in a desert. See a coincidence? I call Brett Favre a pussy favrte, and he gets shipped to the Jets, who even lost to the Bengals last year. I bash sharks, and the discovery channel drops ‘Shark Week’ after only 7 days. Clearly I am changing the world, and all you bastards owe me. If anyone would like for me to lower myself, and help them out with problems in their lives, just let me know. For a 12 pack of either Pabst Blue ribbon, or Bud light Lime, I’ll come down off my lofty perch, and get things done. Now I just have to sit back, and wait for the bribes from John McCain, and Barak Obama, to come in, begging for my help. I can say this, it’s not looking real good for the Panda bears right now.

Time Warner Sucks

August 26, 2008

I’ve stated my opinion on Time Warner Cables inabillity to air FSN OH Reds games in HD, many times before. They’ve made slight improvements on that, showing a couple games a week in HD. The fact that the reds are the worst team in baseball makes this a moot point. We’ll see what the Blue Jacket’s season has instore. The real issue, besides the crazy overpriced services, is that as a time warner customer, you still don’t get the Big 10 Network. Being that they are the biggest cable provider in the Columbus area, makes this a shame. Every other cable, and satelite provider has found a way to get the Big Ten Network on it’s basic package, except time warner. If you live in the Big Ten viewing area, chances are the Big-10  Network is just another channel on your dial, unless you have time warner. Why is it that everyone else can bring this channel in at no extra cost, but Time Warner has to make it a special Pay Channel? Is it becaus the 100 and some odd dollars I pay each month for half the HD channels of DIRECT TV, or the On-Demand box that never lets me rent movies or watch Entourage re-runs isn’t enough. Time Warner has until monday, and then this household is switching over. I’m sure it’s going to be a few weeks before any other provider can hook us up, but we can’t wait any longer. last season, going to a bar, or a friends house, or to the actual game worked just fine. Now we have a kid, and can’t always do that stuff. We live 10 minutes from the stadium, and won’t be able to watch 1/3rd of the OSU games because Time Warner may be ran by nazi’s. We get Digital cable, HD cable, a DVR that rarely works, and High Speed internet that cuts out a few hours each day, for about the price of a lease on a hyundai. All that great stuff, but no Big Ten Network.

As college football approaches, it’s time we take a moment, and pay a little attention to the aspect of the game that really matters. Not coaching, play calling, conditioning, or even the players. Not the history, the camaraderie, or the stupid sportsmanship. What really matters, is we get a perfectly good reason to drink large quantities of beer, each and every week. Even better than just sitting around drinking, is drinking in the company of several thousand of your closest friends. The best place for this, is in a parking lot outside the stadium, or behind a bar. This is where the real action is. You get fans, parents, former players, undercover cops, and crazy religious people trying to convince fat dudes in jersey’s to not get abortions. Whether it be at a bar, a corporate sponsored tailgate function, or just a few friends dinking beers out of the back of a rental car. Tailgating is the true American pastime. For those lucky enough to have access to an RV, or live close enough to a major football university, and can do it every week, life gets no better. I’ve decided to compile a list of the greatest tailgating moments of all time. Feel free to add, just don’t add any gay or boring stories.

11/18/2006 #1 OSU vs. #2 Michigan. the greatest rivalry in all of sport. After hosting a house full of beer drinking overnight guests, the day began a shade before 7:00 a.m. so we could all get a roaring start. I began the day with the breakfast of champions. Pancakes, Bacon, eggs, and Guinness. Perfection. This was the first times these schools went into the game ranked #’s 1 & 2. It was senior day for the future heisman trophy winner troy smith, and his buckeye teamates. Michigan looked to steal the emotional edge with the death of their legendary coach Bo Schembechler. My wife had thwarted my attempt at leveling the emotional playing field by assasinating John Cooper. This was the biggest game Columbus OH had ever seen. Traffic was a bastard, and we had to park a few miles away, and shuttle to our final tailgating destination. Parking spots were rarer than a black republican. We thought we found a spot, only to find some dick in a green dodge truck had taken two spots. He would later pay for this mistake, there was no time for revenge now. I had taken coolers of beer, and chairs to my friends R.V. the night before. Preparation is key. We got to our site, and met up with friends areound 10, five hours before kickoff. The Bud lights were flowing. We grilled, we played cornhole, and we drank like champions. The weather was perfect. Sunny, and cool enough to keep the ice from melting. Nary a michigan fan was in site, except for a few retards directly beside us. They had to be dealt with early, so I stumbled over to lay down the rules. It turned out, they were Air force pilots who rented an RV and drove all night to get here, most were nuetral, one was a michigan fan, one was a buckeye fan. Since they were single fighter pilots, they not only attracted chicks, they also had some cool toys. After finding out none of them had ever really blown anything up, I lost interest, until I mentioned I had to pee. They had brought a surplus of the little bags they pee in during long flights, to avoid having to pull over on the way to the game. After trading them someone else’s miller lights, I now had a half dozen government issued piss bags. Things were shaping up nicely. I decided to skip lunch, I was much too nervous, and the only thing that helped was beer. Planning on a few walk-up moochers, we had arranged for an 18 beers per person ratio. As we watched the noon games on t.v. and played cornhole, everyone quickly went into combat drinking mode. A good friend had raised the challenge to see to it all the beer was drank before the day was through. I was in a pickle there. On one side, I didn’t want to deal with leftover beers, on the other, I was in the midst of a pretty good ‘not getting arrested’ streak at OSU michigan games, and my wife was expecting me to build on that streak. I pressed on. As kickoff approached, I had long since broken my seal. The 4 beers per hour, for 5 hours, mixed with the plummeting fall temperature was really doing a number on my bladder, and the limited capacity of the chemical toilet in the RV. It was time to turn to Uncle Sam, and his crazy looking plastic piss bags, full of a strange white powder. The good news is, with an Air Force piss bag, you can go without getting out of your lawn chair. The bad news is, without any practice, there will be spills. I emptied my bladder, and checked the bag. Neary full, and no leaks. The government had done something right! After showing off my new urine filled toy to everyone in sight, I noticed it was beginnning to change color, and consistency. Fearing this was some suoer secret gevernment bomb, I had to pitch it in the people next to us’ fire pit. They did not notice, as it simmered and made weird noises. No explosion, all was well. As kickoff neared, a good friend of mine who was about to embark on a trip into the peace corps, came up with the idea to celebrate a good OSU drive by chugging our beer (since it was a lucky beer), and punishing the unlucky beers after good michigan drives (by chugging our beers). The game became a shootout, and we were chugging a new beer about every 12 minutes. This is usually fun, when you’ve already drank about 18 beers, it’s super fun. The breakneck pace in which we were drinking was for the record books, but it killed our supply. A team had formed to run to a nearby grocerie store to get more beer. The plan was to run there, and pay some stranger money to drive us close to the camper, all during halftime. Since I’m pretty good at carrying stuff, and at buying beer, I was chosen. I had not ran enough to elevate my heart rate in about 2 years, and it was roughly a half mile away to Kroger, things did not look good. I grabbed two beers, and we headed out. Everyone else on the team ran daily. I was fucked. I kept pace the whole way there, only puking the one time (right in front of an applebees) We loaded up on enough beer for a canadian wedding reception, and hopped in a cab, and were back in record time, moments before the 2nd half. The rest of the game was a blur. OSU did everything in their power to make it a close game. Everyone had these weird cut-outs of Kirk herbstreit’s face from ESPN’s college game day. Between the drama on the field, the bonfires in trash cans in which I am naturally drawn to, the 30 beers I had drank, and the thousand herbsreit army, I began to freak out. Luckily OSU got over their turnover/penaltie-itis and pulled out the win. We were headed to the championship game. My best friend lives in the same city as the BCS title game, my wife was going to already be there that week for a conference, destiny was on our side. (history would later show that god would fuck us in the ass on that one). After celebrating for a few hours to avoid traffic, and so our drivers could sober up, it was time to head home and wallow in the sweet smell of victory, and urine soaked denim. I had stopped drinking, and pissed twice in the nearly full chemical toilet of my friends RV. Since I had drank my body weight in cheap american beer, I had to use one more Air Force piss bag. This time I would hang on to it, just to see what happens. It resembles a supersize Breast Milk storage bag, but much larger, full of a weird powder, and ergonomically shaped for a dudes weiner. As we lingered around a fire-pit to warm up, I noticed the full, warm urine bag had started to solidify from the strange powder, and was starting to resemble the consistency of grits. I began drunkenly chatting up strangers. I convinced them I was a food science developer for Cracker Barrel restaurants, and that I was testing out sample bags of our new recipes of grits. Two drunken college girls were hungry and willing to try my “new recipe”. Lucky for them, my better half stepped in and told them it was bags-o-pee. Despite not being able to feed my chemically enhanced urine to strangers, I held on to the bag. Partly for it’s warmth, partly because I knew it would come in handy. We resumed our walk to the car. As we reached the parking lot, only a few cars remained. Low and behold, one of the stragglers, was the same green dodge truck who took two parking places, in an overfilled parking lot. It was time to get some use out of my tax dollars. I cracked open the Air Force urine bag, that now resembled Anthrax spores, and began dumping it out on his doors. The piss had turned into powder, and was blowing away. Most of it was still sticking to his door handles, but I noticed the window was cracked. I dumped the remnants of the bag into his truck, and it looked like someone exploded a bag of flower in his cab. Thousands of little airborne urine flakes were floating all over the inside of this guys truck. Victory was mine. Not only did we win the biggest game, against our biggest rival. We all got trashed, made it home safe, and I exacted the greatest sophomoric revenge of all time. Can life get any better than that? Plus, I still have a few urine bags left.

quick hits

August 23, 2008

Does anyone know why they always give some random crazy number to the track athletes? The dude whi wins the distance race is alway like number 1537 or something. Does anyone get a cool number like 9 or 28? I’m gonna go buy a croatia track jerseyy number 1224. I tuned in to some womens team handball action the other night. It was after midnight, and on cable so I was expecting it to be a lot more erotic. It was still pretty sweet, and I thought it would be a fun sport to play, until I saw the men playing it. Those dudes are badasses, and I wouldn’t stand a chance. I would get hit in the nuts with the ball and that would be it. How drunk were the people who voted on the events that make up the modern pentathalon? Has anyone seen this? It’s like running, swimming, horse jumping, ping-pong and drive-by shooting.

Congrats to Bryan Clay, who won the Mens Decathalon, and has earned the title of greatest athlete in the world. Lets all hope the future holds a better fate for him, than that of Bruce Jenner. Once the Blue Blocker money ran out, he was relegated to a life of being Kim Kardashians dad.

Save the panda’s

August 23, 2008

I’m a little distracted, Transformers is on in HD, and the search querries that lead people to the blog today were pretty sweet. Here they are.

beijing women’s beach volleyball pussy 2 More stats
beach volleyball paraguay 2 More stats
u.s.womens voleyball, gold 2 More stats
keshia knight pulliam racey pictures 2 More stats
2008 summer olympics canadian women’s be 1 More stats
olympic ladies beach volleyball 1 More stats
olympic volleyball crotch shot 1 More stats
womens beach volleyball hot

 Stay classy internetters.

I know I’ve watched more olympic coverage than an most of the countries in the olympics, and I expect to get an honorary medal for it. The whole time, I’ve been expecting to see waay too much of certain things. For instance, those retarded little “dragon” things the chinese like to have, where a bunch of people run around underneath a big paper dragon, pretending the dragon is flying. It’s on almost every movie depicting a chinese parade, and luckilly NBC has gone easy on the gay dragon thing. One thing they have not spared us on, is the damned panda bears. For some reason, everyone thinks these things are cute. http://www.chinaodysseytours.com/tours/pictures/promotional-9-days-Sichuan-and-Tibet-Exploration-Tour/daybyday/panda-bear-d.jpg They may be, but macully caulkin was once cute as well, and we’ve all moved on from that. Panda’s are freaks of nature, who can’t survive on their own. Pandas are like regular bears with downs syndrome. For decades humans have been fighting the natural course of nature, and kept the panda bears alive. They can’t even breed on their own, as we’ve had to turn to artificial insimination. They showed a story on a special preserve for the panda’s. it’s basically designed exactly like their natural habitat, and their is little human interaction, and no predators, or any other threats to the panda’s. The panda’s are still dying. These bastards have pretty much given up on life as a species entirely, it’s time we let nature run it’s course. Panda’s also smell. If you’ve ever been around a person who has given up on life, panda’s smell just like them, except panda’s can’t wipe their own asses, and don’t know what a shower is, so they smell worse. All pandas do is sit around eatong bamboo. This has caused bamboo flooring to be waay overpriced. Pandas sit and chew on bamboo all day long, waiting for us to impregnate them. Even with all our help, they are still going extinct. We all love to talk about how smart Charles Darwin was, and then we go and defy him by milking the pandas through life. We need to move on. If panda’s were lazy american kids, their parents would eventually kick them out of the basement and make them get a job. If they were humans, they would be dead by now. Everyone has that cousin or uncle who used to be the party animal, but is just a big loser now. He pertty much keeps wasting away in life, his parents have long since cut him off, but your dad or cousin still feels the need to help him out because he used to score him beer in high school. Even that comes to an end at some point, and he ends up face down in a ditch somewhere dead. Pandas are the semi-retarded party animal uncle who never grew up of the animal kingdom. Why do we have to keep them around. Yeah, they are cute, and won’t eat us, but has anyone ever thought about eating them? Chances are they are delicious. I know we all feel like we’ve failed if the pandas go extinct. It’s gonna happen anyway, let it go. Don’t we have enough problems to worry about, besides the pandas? The Dodo birds were pretty sweet, but they’re gone, and we’ve all gotten over that one. passenger pigeons were the party animal of the pigeon family, and they’re all gone too. We got over that. It’s not like pandas are cool like saber toothed tigers, I could see trying to keep them around, those things were badasses. Pandas pretty much just suck. The difference between a stuffed animal panda, and the real thing, is everyone can buy a stuffed panda for like 20 bucks, you have to pay at least twice that much to see one in the zoo, and that only lasts a few minutes and they smell. My dog is lazy and chews on sticks all the time, he’s just like a panda, except if he still had his nuts, he would breed, and his species would survive without countless man-hours, and dollars aiding him along. Other than being the mascot of a shitty chinese fast food chiain, is there really any purpose to having the pandas around? I’m not saying we need to hunt them down and kill them, those efforts should be saved for the sharks. Just let nature take it’s course, and we can all put our efforts into saving a species that has a chance, like the single mom stripper.

slipping away

August 22, 2008

When did we start to suck at track? I know, nobody would have been able to beat usain Bolt in either the 100 or the 200 meters. That dude was running 29 mph at his top speed, meaning, if he were to go running past a school, or hospital, he would get a speeding ticket. The only time a human has ran faster, was that time I chased down the froggy 93 ambulance, and punched it’s door. Historians have estimated my top speed around 34 mph, fueled mainly on rage, and captain morgan, I was haulin ass. The U.S. team, has been a dissapointment on the track. Some of it was losing seasoned vets to steroid suspensions, some was nobody bothered to teach us to pass a baton. Either way, the normally dominant U.S. team is fading fast. Why is it we can’t pass a baton? I know it’s wet, but some pretty shitty countries were able to pull it off. For the past few years we’ve had some big name track stars, Gatlin, montgomery, Jones etc get busted for using roids, and HGH. Most were caught long after the fact. Meaning, they had figured out a way to beat the testing at the time of their races, which they won. Didn’t anyone think to ask them of a way to “beat” the system as far as baton passing goes. No special gloves, or glue, or funny looking tape? I’m pretty dissapointed, we can’t pass a little baton. High School football is about to start this weekend. At these games you will see the high school bands perform, including the usually fat baton twirlers. These fat chicks toss the baton  way up in the air, often catching it, on the way down. hy can fat white girls do it, but not trained athletes. At London 2012 we need all our track stars to be oozing HGH, testosterone, roofies, whatever else, and something to get us to grab a damn piece of plastic. I  bet if we hid some viles of clean urine in the baton, not only would we be able to pass it properly, we’d do it so the judges won’t see it.

This morning I awoke to the alarm. The retarded F.M. D.J’s were talking about the womens beach volleyball, and the bikinis they wear. All day long, various stations, and web sites were debating wether or not the women athletes should “have” to wear the bikinis. These buttholes need to get over themselves, quick. This is not Iran, our women don’t “have” to do anything. They can choose to play this sport, and they have. Why do we need fat house wives trying to decide if they should wear the bikin’s? Has anyone asked the athletes? Those two americans are far and away the biggest names in their sport, they are incredible, and dominating. I’m sure they have some pull with whatever governing body runs beach volleyball. If they had issues with the bikini’s, and they spoke up, I’m guessing someone would listen. Why does everyone feel the need to “save” everyone else. This is america, we don’t need saving, especially famous athletes at the top of their field. Besides, these fat women who are complaining are likely the same ones who complain about the effects of the media, and celebrities driving young girls to eating dissorders, and feeling self conscious about their bodies. These women don’t look like Paris Hilton, Kate Moss, or even pamela Anderson. They are fit, healthy, and beautiful. Whats wrong with showing it off? Shouldn’t we be embracing it? Let their be bikini’s I say. Even though it wasn’t the chinese team with the hottie, and they didn’t wear the bikini’s I suggested, it was an amazing game. And it wasn’t all because the participants were hot.

Lately I’ve been doing some college football previews, as we are merely a week away from starting the season. I’m going to hold off on doing an ACC, Big-12, PAC-10, and Big east preview, since really nobody cares. Outside of USC, and oklahoma, those teams have no chance. Texas Tech is always a must watch game, and crabtree will be a sweet bengal. Instead of wasting time on these confrences, I’ve decided to create a whole new segment. I shall call it, “Great Moments in Tailgating History” It’s basically just stories about drinking at sporting events, often times with hillarious, embarrassing, or incriminating results. Feel free to throw in some stories from around the globe, about your greatest tailgating moments. The first installment will be launched over the weekend.

Blown chance

August 21, 2008

O.K. It’s 10:00 Eastern time. NBC is showing live feed from the womens beach volleyball courts, and it’s pouring rain. The two hot U.S. ladies will be playing the team with the Hot Chinese chick, and they are about to blow the oppurtunity for a ratings gold mine. The kids should all be in bed. Make them play in white bikini’s in the rain. Not the good lined kind. The cheap kind, they are made in china, there’s got to be a factory around there somewhere that makes crappy white bikini’s that will be perect for a downpour. NBC would get like 90% of the ratings. Instead they are talking about a rain delay? Come on NBC, you can do better than that.