Duck and cover

June 27, 2008

So last night, I had planned on a semi-early bed time. The college world series was over, my paper work was done, Dylan was sound asleep, all was going as planned. As I settled in for a long summers nap, I turned on the t.v. for some late night history channel. Thirty seconds later, the news hit. TORNADO WARNING. That loud baaaaaaaaah baaaaaaaaaah baaaaaaaaaaaaah! noise that is usually reserved for “testing” the emergency broadcast system. Streaming across the screen, was the warning, for franklin county. Then the computer voice assured me a tornado was on it’s way. Then, the tornado sirens went off outside in the distance. How could this be? I strategically moved to an area with zero trailer parks, for this reason only. I weighed my options. Since there will never be a tornado exactly in our neighborhood, just turn the channel, and doze off, or take our 3 month old baby into the basement. We picked the latter. Off to the basement we go. Fortunately, I had the foresight to install a bar and HD tv down there. All channels were telling us there was a tornado warning. Even HBO. We pay extra for that, there should be no warnings on HBO, I will soon ask for a partial refund. I want movies I have seen 12 times, boxing, Curb your enthusiasim,and late night soft core pornography, nothing else. So there we were watching HD weather news, a little after midnight, waiting for the world to end. Then they said the single most fucked up thing I may have ever heard. “A tornado Warning, does not mean there is a tornado, just that the conditions are right for a tornado” Seriously? Shouldn’t “tornado warning” mean there is actually a tornado? Shouldn’t the sirens be to worn us, we are actually in danger? Prisons don’t say “escaped convict warning” just cause the conditions are right for it. Life guards don’t taste to see if the ocean is still salty, and then put up the shark warning flags, just cause the conditions are right for sharks to arrive. Why do we have warnings and watches, when neither means anything different than the other? What happens when there is actually a tornado? Do they call us personally and tell us we are fucked? Normally I would have stayed in bed, or said “sweet” and went outside with beer and a camera. Now that I’m a father, I try for the occasional responsible act. When it’s all for nothing, I get a little pissed. I know quite a bit about the home building field, so I know if a tornado does come, we’re up shit creek either way. I know enough of the details to know my house has no fucking chance. I know a 2 by 4 is neither 2 or 4. I know the people who got hired to build my house, did so because they were the lowest bidder. I know that no matter how professional, intelligent, hard working, or trustworthy the sub-contractor was, they like myself, employed a fleet of retards, with multiple STD’s and a slight addiction to huffing spray paint, and crystal meth. I know that the guy who’s job it was to do quality control checks, was likely put there, because that was the job where he could do the least amount of damage. I know the inspector who checked everything, is easilly distracted by comments like “that’s a nice mustache”, or “hey, is that an old cop car?” I know the guy who did all the home-improvement projects in this house was a cynical asshole who was drinking during every project. No room in this shack is going to save me, or anybody. Going to the basement increases my chance of survival by zero percent. But, there is a bar and HD t.v. there. All I can do, is pick what I’m wearing when they pull my bloated corpse out of the rubble. So tonight, when I go to bed, and the clouds come a-rollin in. I’ll sleep soundly, in a pair of my wife’s panties, and a Makers Mark hat, slathered head to toe in calamine lotion.

The NBA draft is tonight! It’s nowhere near as awesome as the NFL draft, but it does deserve some attention. The NFL gives all it’s players a pre-draft test called the wonderlic test. This test is designed to test a players over-all intelligence, and life skills. It’s results are somewhat controversial. As far as I know the NBA has nothing of the sort. So I have decided to compile a different version of the wonderlick test, designed for incoming NBA players. so here we go.

1. You are shopping for an automobile. Which of the following, allows you to bring home the most bitches? A. Lincoln Navigator. B: Mercedes E-Class. C: Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle

2. If you father 6 children with 5 different women, how many women have you had more than one child with?

3. Your european teamate speaks little english. How can you help him adjust to life in america. A: introduce him to Marijuana. B: Learn to speak italian. C; take him to a strip club

4. You are headed on a road trip. Which of the following should you not bring through airport security.          A: 9mm handgun. B: bag of canadian pot C: travel yatzee

5. Your teamate has started a fight outside a strip club at 4 a.m. what should you do?  A:throw him in a nearby taxi. B: fire your gun into the air. C: flee, and run-over a bouncer on your way out.   

6. You have impregnated an underage girl in Utah, who do you call? A: your attorney B: Kobe Bryant. C: Shawn Kemp

7. You are at a casino with Charles Barkley, and just won $125,000. How much do you tip your dealer?  A:$2,000.00 B:$25,000.00 C: your autograph on the back of a call-girl flyer.

8. You just signed a 1 million dollar shoe deal. Your ex-girlfriend gets half in child support, how much does she get

9. You get hit with a flying cup of beer while laying on the scorers table in detroit. What do you do now. A: point out the culprit to security. B: Beat his punk ass, or anyone who looks funny C: Let your crew handle your business

10. You have a 72 inch wingspan, and 14 inch biceps. How many 8 inch tatoos can you fit on each arm?

11. Your roadtrip roomate is Kyle Corver. What movie should you watch back at the hotel A: Scarface. B: The Matrix. C: Brokeback Mountain. 

 

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Reds

June 24, 2008

It’s good to know there are other reds fans out there, feeling my pain. Here is a video that describes best both the hope, and agony or being a cincy fan.  http://youtube.com/watch?v=JoF3SbtYR20 

New tricks

June 24, 2008

Today I learned just how multi-talented, I really am. While holding dyaln, and rocking him to sleep, I managed to get my foot halfway up rudi’s ass, without waking the baby. Well done indeed. Over the weekend, I managed to dupe a major sporting goods chain, into taking back my ill-fitting shoes that rudi had previously chewed up. I managed to make them look halfway decent, tucked the laces in so you could not tell the tips were chewed up. As for the holes in the in-sole, and the teeth marks in the rubber, I kinda hoped that would get passed over. I switched boxes, and stuffed the tissue paper back in, heading for the store. I was greeted by a manager who said she would keep them at the counter, until i picked out a new pair. Long story short, she said she would over look the fact that they were obviously worn, and let me switch them out. She said she could tell, because the bottoms were dusty. Not to mention the fact that a dog ate them. Ahh blondes. The interseting part, is that when I actually tried on a new pair, they again didn’t fit. Some kid who worked there put my foot in that little measuring thing that I doubt I’ve used since I was 11. To my surprise I am one whole size bigger than what I thought. All my size 11 shoes seem to fit fine, how can this be? Did my feet grow in the past couple months? What other body parts do I need to re-measure? I feel like I’m heading out into the great unknown.

As for the poison ivy, I think I may be turning the corner. My right eye is beginning to swell shut, and the enemy is advancing on my crotchal region, but my calamine defenses are holding strong. Last night may have been the worst yet. I itched all over, and could not sleep. I got up, popped a few benadryl, and some advil, chugged about two inches out of a fresh bottle of maker’s mark, put on some gloves, and crashed on the couch. I slept great after that. I did manage to wake up with only one glove on, and can’t find the other. I am done asking advice from the internet. I was told that bathing in bleach would heal it up instantly. Wrong. What this does is alerts you to any minor skin irritation, cut, scrape or bruise. Most of your body burns, and it doesn’t wash off. the fact that you feel like you are on fire, does make you forget about the itching however. stick with the calamine. I am felling better tonight, and no new rashes have formed, other than the usual one brought on by my herpes simplex type 14, but that’s to be expected.

I had a whopper today, and there were no tomato’s on it. why the hell is everyone so scared of a little salmonella, or e-coli? yeah you get sick for a couple days, but who cares. Unless you are really old, or have aids, whats the big deal. Almost every night, the news talks about obesity in america. what better way to lose a quick 8-22 pounds than an intestinal pathogen? There is none. I say order extra tomato’s, in fact, let your sanwhich sit in the sun for a few hours, then eat it. stay close to a toilet for a day or so, then move on. If you still need to lose more weight, eat more tomato’s. Getting salmonella or e-coli is no big deal. In fact, jack-in-the box has made a fortune off this gamble. As a true chicken wing fanatic, I’ve had many a run-in with salmonella. sure you may wake up to realize the itchy sensation in you pants is because you have soiled yourself, but that’s gonna happen sooner or later anyway. Ask an old person. Lay off the pilates, and special yogurt. The fiber, or the running program. Just go to a sportsbar every night, order wings, and let it ride. Just hope you don’t have a road trip, or a big date the next day. If you do, pack plenty-o gum, cologne, and air freshner, and keep the extra t.p. close by.

this is shaping up to be one hell of an anniversary. Got to get up early and hang with dylan, and when I got the paper, I received some more good news. The Jackets acquired R.J. Umberger, in a trade with philly! Umberger, a former buckeye star, is a stud who can play center, or wing on the first line, and is a Ken Hitchcock man. He was a beast in the playoffs last season. The pick we traded to get RJ was essentially the pick we got for trading Adam Foote’s worthless ass. We also picked up the 3rd best offensive player in the draft. The buckeyes football team got a commitment from a florida receiver, who’s father is none other than Cris Carter. All I need now is for reds rookie Daryl Thompson to blow away the yankees in his first ever start. I’ll also accept seeing “disgruntled reds fan” getting beat up on t.v. as he makes his yankee stadium debut as well. Tune in to FSN Oh to see an idiot in an eric davis jersey. I also was looking on line to see what specific gift marks the 5th year wedding anniversary. Apparently the gift for the 5th year is wood…….enter joke here. What can I give my wife romantically, that is made of wood. If you said Ken Griffey Jr. Autographed bat, you read my mind.

5 years!

June 20, 2008

First off, thanks to all the worthless help in the poison ivy department. I now have calamine lotion all over my face, and the defense shield of calamine lotion around my genitals is growing weak. I read online that it dosn’t spread from one effected area to the other, only areas that were in direct contact with poison ivy. Sometimes areas do not appear infected until a few days after symptons begin, or something that still has poison ivy oils on it, is spreading the rash. Needless to say, we have determined that rudi, is the typhoid mary of poison ivy. we just completed a hosedown session in the back yard. Rudi yelping, and trying to flee as I try to coral him with one arm, and smear dog shampoo with the other. We also found out, that if he really wants to get away, he can drag me around the yard, no problem. Lucky for us, he is part retarded, and will forget that he has the strength of a retarded rhino. Hopefully, the source of the problem has been eliminated, and we can all move on. Just don’t ask what rudi was doing near my genitals.

I was wondering what ever happened to the college world series. I checked the guide, and it was nowhere to be seen. Finally in the triple digits I found it on ESPNU. What the hell? Am I the only one who liked to watch the college world series? It was finally on regular espn tonight, but do we need to see poker reruns on espn in the afternoon? If it’s a chanel in the 3-digits and isn’t HD or HBO, it’s dead to me. If there’s college baseball on in the afternoon, lets put it on a chanel people will actually find. No more shows about arguing sports reporters, or poker “stars”.

Well here we are. Just hours away from my 5 year wedding anniversary. For those of you who had money on less than five years, tough shit. Sarah can put up with a lot of shit. Reflecting on the past five years, we’ve been through a lot. we lived in 2 cities, got 2 grills, bought a house, I’ve buried 2 cats, we got a dog, and a son. We also have witnessed 3 national championship losses, traveled, to florida a few times, south carolina, new york, and all over california, and arizona. We’ve done all kinds of cool stuff. We’ve been through a lot, and it’s been a great 5 years, and I couldn’t have a better wife, unless i could have married the 3 boobed chick from Total Recall, but I’m happy with the wife I have. You may be asking yourself, “how can an asshole like you be married 5 years?” So since this is June “the wedding month”. I’ve decided to compile a list of tips for all the people out there who may one day find themselves married.

1. Try to go to bed first. This not only gets you out of any over-looked tasks around the house, you may also get to watch them undress, which is way better than cinemax.

2. There is no argument worth winning. Outside of the remote control, don’t even try to win. You can choose between being right, and being happy. Just apologize sincerely, and move on. Chances are it was your fault anyway. This will just save time. Also try and figure out what you did wrong, and don’t do that anymore.

3. Avoid direct deposit at work. It may be convenient, and time-saving. But, as a married man, you’ll find yourself begging for sex, so it’s good to have as much cash around as possible. Cashing your check at the bank in person, will give you a great chance to take out a few extra twenties, that may just come in handy.

4. When there is a strange noise in the night, get up to see what it is. Even when you know the noise was just the one cat you haven’t killed yet, you still get up. It’s also good to keep some type of weapon nearby. You’ll never actually use it, but it shows you mean business, when it comes to protecting your house. I keep a knife, and homemade grenades next to the bed, and baseball bats in as many rooms as possible. these can also be used to chase off Mormonswhen they come knocking.

5. No matter how cool her friends or relatives husbands/boyfriends are, they are always wrong. Taking there side only brings trouble. Just say, “yeah that guys a dick” and move on.

6. Try to cook and clean as much as possible. Though you may have a hard time finding a french maid outfit that fits you, it shows you’re open minded, and caring.

7. If it’s dead, smelly, or disgusting, it’s your job to clean it up. It may not be your fault, but it’ll give you a chance to put on the ole french maid outfit.

8. Wine isn’t that bad. Sure your lips and teeth will be purple, but booze is booze after all. Besides a common drink you can both enjoy may have it’s rewards later on. Going on wine trips is also cool. You get to drive a rental car half tanked at 2 in the afternoon.

9. Learn how to do laundry. If one ever happens to soil their pants, it’s best to avoid letting her find out about this. Learning how to get stains out of your pants by yourself, will save a lot of explaining. If you ever do have to explain. Tell the truth, it’s way easier. This also works for semi-serious wounds. Explaining to your spouse why someone had to pull glass shards out of your ass, is a story only the truth will work on.

10. When they are sick, do everything you can to take care of them, and make them feel better. It’s not only the right thing to do, but someday it may be there turn to clean up your puke soaked clothing.

If anyone has any other tips, please feel free to add them now.

Poinson ivy

June 19, 2008

Before I begin. Let me first acknowledge that whenever I say anything bad about someone, or some place, something good happens to them. I question adam dunn’s sexuality…home run. I call out boston fans…championship. I call out Kobe bryant…he gets to have rough sex with a white chick in denver. So let me say now that my wife sucks at winning the lottery….

So I have contracted poison ivy. my reward for catching some fish, and having a nice relaxing fathers day, is poison ivy. When I get poison ivy, I act like a four year old trying to shake off the cooties. I dump calamine lotion all over myself, and whine un-controllably. Once the inital rage at my itchy skin has worn off, I proceed to phase two. Acceptance. Once I have accepted the fact that I am now a lepper, I immediately slather my genitals in as much poison ivy medicine as possible. I don’t have it there, it’s preventitive, and soothing. So I have now used up an entire bottle of generic brand calamine, and also dropped another 14 bucks at walgreens. With all the talk about global warming, and killing the planet, can’t we at least get it hot enough that poison ivy no longer can grow? Or maybe sell off all our toxic waste to dump on the weeds themselves. If anyone has any good poison ivy treatment tips, please share them. I’m starting to run out of long sleaved shirts to cover my pink arms. yesterday, at a B.P. station the chick behind the counter asked me if I had poison Ivy. (my arms were covered in calamine) I said “no, why do you ask?” then I looked at her wrists. She had huge scars running up each wrist. Apparently sometime in the recent past she tried to kill herself. I resisted the urge to ask her how her attempted suicide was working out. I am after all, a gentleman. Stupid whore couldn’t even kill herself. Oh well, she’s poor. Subsidized housing, and crystal meth will take care of that anyway.

Going back to boston

June 17, 2008

Before I begin, what may be the most offensive, vulgar and dis-tasteful rant yet, let me give a special shout-out to all the dads out there. Happy fathers day! Though for some reason we all get second fiddle to mothers day, we still deserve the day. I spent my day fishing, and breaking in small water-craft. It was kind of a let-down, just because my expectations were so high. This was, after all the first new holiday I got to celebrate since they came out with juneteenth a few years back. All in all, it was a great day, and I hope all the dads had a great day as well.

People of Boston. You are all rotten bastards, whom I’m sure only hindered the cause of the american revolution a couple hundred years ago. Had your kind not existed, it would have been over in a few weeks, tops. You are all in-bred swine. The fact that your vote in elections counts as many times as mine, makes me want to fill up my raft and float to cuba. Your kind can best be described by the term, donkey raping shit eaters. Why do I lothe the? Let me count thy ways.

This saturday, I attended the reds game vs. the redsox. This was my first recent, encounter, with the new age boston fan. the entire row in front of us was boston fans. They were so bad, the reds mascot, who was there in civilian garb on his day off, got up and moved. I decided I would help everyone out there on the internets, know the truth about the bean town faithful. A decade or so ago, it became very hip to root for boston. Much of the national appeal, was due to their long championship slump, and there evil rivals the yankees. Since then, every douche-bag this side of marthas vineyard has some type pf redsox garb. Recently the redsox have switched things up on all of us. They started winning, and spending more and more money. They are like the retarded kid at school, that everyone kinda pulls for. Except this retard has won the lotto, and is flaunting his winnings all over town, and has turned his back on all the normal kids who looked out for him. Boston fans are like cubs fans, except not cool. Both teams are hip to root for, and most of their fans don’t even know how many quarters are in a baseball game.

Male boston fans are, an obnoxious bunch. They yell and scream at all the wrong times, and they all have gay nicknames for the redsox players. Each fan has his own nicknames, unique to that particualr gay fan. The row infornt of us was no exception. We had a fat slob in a ray allen jersey, who argued with the usher about where they wanted to sit. (never mess with an elderly reds usher) His butt-buddy, was a casey afleck wannabe with a sunken chest, excessive chest hair, and some above the crack shrubbery. About four innings in, their lust for eachother, and boston sports boiled over. The fat dude, who had stretched the mesh on his celtics jersey to the point that it could have been used as a spaghetti strainer, bagan feeding icecream to his gay buddy. Then, they started putting their arms around eachother. Fatty, was stroking the skinny dudes back hair. How romantic. This was clearly a “brokeback mountain” type getaway. Boston fans know nothing about sports, except the old guys who have never been laid, i.e Peter gammons. They can’t handle booze, smell bad, and believe that the whole world understands the drunken jibberish spewing from there big heads. Most are serial masturbators.The only thing keeping these people from being canadian, is mere geography.

Now, female boston fans. Female boston fans, can best be described by one term. Legalized prostitution. Outside of crack-whores, they’re as easy as they come. Usually they start out by wearing a Bosox hat, to gain the attention of the drunk kid down the bar/dorm hallway. After four or five date rapes, their spirit is broken, thus a true female boston fan is born. Though they still don’t know what happened to Nomar, they carry on, believing he is their savior. If you can’t hook-up with a female boston fan, you are either, not a primate, or are wearing a yankee hat. Usually by inning three, the femal boston fan has lost at least one article of clothing, and tried to steal something. An inning later, she has already puked during some type of sex act with a stranger. an inning later she is in tears, until some dude in a redsox hat buys her another beer, and the cycle thus repeats itself. If you find yourself surounded by boston fans, show them some math flash cards, or ask them a question not related to JFK, or Tom Brady, and then run away, as the momentarily blackout.

All we can do at this point is root for Tampa Bay, and Arizona to smoke the sox come October. Personally I’m pulling for the D-backs, unless Griffey becomes a ray. Hope this was helpfull to everyone.

 

Bring on the sox

June 13, 2008

This weekend, my hap-less reds will take on the asshole Boston Redsox. I will be attending, hopefully wearing an Eli Manning jersey, and screaming obsenities, if my wife allows. These two teams couldn’t be farther apart. The reds have no shot this season, unless they start playing by golf rules where the lowest score wins. The redsox should win it all again this year. What the reds need to take this series is a streaker. I will pay one case of delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon beer to anyone who streaks the field at the reds game this saturday. That should do it.

This evening dylan did something that completely blew my mind. Recently he has started flailing his legs and arms about when he laughs. It’s very cute yes, but sometimes he hits himself, and then has a funny look on his face. Sometimes he pushes his bottom lip out, and fights back tears. Daddy usually solves the problem by making him laugh. Tonight he was sitting up, and due to the lack of arm control, he he struck himself in the nads, fairly hard. He didn’t cry, but had the saddest look on his face. How does one explain to his son what just happened. If I had done that to myself, I would have passed out. He took it like a champ though. this makes me wonder, is he just super tough, or is the whole getting hit in the balls thing, just mental? Do we cringe because we know it’s supposed to hurt? Makes ya wonder. This weekend I’m going to just randomly kick people in the groin, working my way down in age until i reach my desired results. I ask all of you to do the same.

Does anyone else watch last comic standing. It’s the only reality show we watch in this house, and it’s great. They have some hilarious comedians, and even better, some really horrible ones as well. They have one more round of open try-outs, I suggest everyone tune in to NBC next thursday. It’s like american idol, where anyone can try-out. For every good comedian, there is a dozen horrible people trying out. No gay judges, this week they had cliff and norm from cheers. As a fan of stand-up comedy, it’s great to watch people who really suck at it.

Wardrobe malfunction

June 12, 2008

So today I decided to buy myself some new running shoes/drinking shoes. I don’t like shopping, or communicating with people in stores, so I try to make the trip as quick as possible. Since I have to drive past a sporting goods store to get on the highway to go to work, it was meant to be a quick trip. I also generally buy the same shoe so to speak, pretty much every time. I’m not really one to buy in to trends. Think of me as an old jewish dude when it comes to footwear. I find what I like and I stick with it, until all the vietnamese children at the shoe factory have moved on. My foot hasn’t really grown in the last several years either, this should be a quick trip. So in I go, at the time of day where it is the least crowded. I fight the urge to buy fishing stuff, or a Griffey jersey, and I press on to the shoe section. I’m the only there. I find a shoe similar to the one I always get, same brand, similar color, they have my size. Perfect. I proceed to checkout. Since I picked the time of day when they have the fewest customers, I also picked the time of day when they have the fewest staff members working. I find myself in the only checkout lane behind a lesbian golfer trying to return items (golf equipment), some clearly used. Helping her in this task was a kid who was enjoying his first week out of school, who smelled like pot, and might have slept in his work shirt last night. So much for speed. Anywho, I finally pay, and head out, stopping back home for a quick snack, and to try on the shoes before I go back to work. Snack was great, but the vietnamese have fucked me again, these shoes are too small. Did New Balance decide to cut back on materials? Did I buy womens shoes? Have my feet grown without me noticing? This is very perplexing to me. I decide to head back to the office, I’ll swap out the shoes again later. Fast forward 5 hours. I return home, hoping the shoes have grown. Did I ever mention my dog is a cocksucker. He greets me at the door, which usually means nothing has been destroyed. Today he must have been feeling cocky, cause he showed no fear. He even followed me as I went to try on the shoes again. Instead of sitting in a box, in a bag, on a bar stool, one shoe was in the corner, the other in the middle of the room, tags and tissue paper strewn about. One shoe missing it’s in-sole, the box in shambles. Looks like I’m keeping the shoes after all. So now I have two problems to deal with. First, the asshole dog. Normal asskicking’s seem to have little or no lasting effect. I think he likes the attention, even if the attention he gets is from the business end of my foot. I’m going to have to find new methods. Right now, I’m leaning towards water-boarding the dog. My other problem is that I’m slowly realizing that my retarded methods for inter-acting socially might not be working. I may have to start following the social norms, and do little things like shoe shopping like a normal person. Could this mean no more waiting for people to come out of dressing rooms, and nailing them with a dodgeball from the store? I may just decide to go live off the grid. Not that i want to be a dirty hippie, but hemp shoes are a much better option than the alternative. Sitting in a chair at the shoe store, while some gay dude kneels down in front of me, people could get the wrong impression. I’ve got some soul searching to do.

600

June 10, 2008

Congratulations to Ken Griffey Jr. on hitting his 600th home run. This epic shot puts him 4th on the all-time home run list for all of MLB. Note: The author does not recognize the career of either Sammy Sosa or Barry Bonds, so save the retarded comments. They can both be best described by Billy Ripkens bat from that sweet baseball card from 1988 “Fuck Face”. It’s been a long time coming, but griff finally pulled it off, and the reds will now trade him, while worthless Adam Dunn will be given a billion dollars to strikeout, drop balls, and hit solo home runs. Ever since he got to #599 they have been giving the pitchers “special” balls to throw to Griffey. These balls have a special logo, so they can be identified after they land in the stands, and the hologram will eliminate any fraud. I wonder if the umpire says to the pitcher as he hands him this ball, “here, we want you to use this one, because you suck, and will likely give up a homer” This has to piss off the pitcher, as it’s gotta mess with their head a little. This practice should be used all the time. Whenever a shitty pitcher takes the mound, they should use the left over special balls, because they just might give up the most runs ever (Josh Fogg).

Another thing I noticed is that a lot of unattractive people seem to be getting the good seats behind home plate, and at the dug-outs. It’s not just reds games. In Detroit tonight, a female manatee was sitting in the background of all left handed hitters. Baseball should only let hot people, and big fat party animals sit in these seats. Nobody is gonna turn on the game, see a group of hillbilly chicks and say “hey lets go to a reds game”. If the seats are filled with party animals and hot people, fans will flock to the park, buy way too many beers, then end up buying $7 beers for all the hot chicks in their section, wake up the next day alone, thinking, it was totally worth it. All this extra money would cancel out the advantage the big market teams have. Florida State’s football team has used this method for years. Ever wonder how no nerds or cows sit in the front row at FSU games. This also makes t.v. viewers forget about how Bobby Bowden sucks for a few minutes. So if you are hot, or likely to get really drunk and loud, go to a ball game, and I’ll tune in, and wish I was there.

Also. Good luck to Shelley, as she will attempt to set the world record for most consecutive hours spent watching the movie ‘Dirty Dancing’. Everyone say what you need to say to her now, after the 14th hour she will be legally retarded from too much exposure to Patrick Sawyze. Good luck also to her huband Steve, as he will attemp to either break his new t.v., or kill himslef.