So yes, I have been in the presence of greatness. Yesterday, on my way back from another trip to the queen city, I saw and shared oxygen with, possibly, the biggest star on earth, not named Jay Bruce. I pulled into a Speedway station along I-70, to purchase something to drink. When I pulled in, I noticed a car with strange plates. Idaho plates, that said something along the lines of OXYIS4U or something. I figured it was an Oxycontin dealer. Then, I noticed the sides of the Vehicle were painted up with logo’s of various products such as, Oxy-Clean, Kazoom, and Orange-Glo. When I went towards the Gatorade cooler, I noticed him. The dude from the the Oxy-clean infomercials, in all his glory. He looks as radiant in real life as he does on t.v. Someone told me his name is Billy Mays, but I refuse to trust anyone who knows his name from memory. He must have been on his way to do a presentation at a mall or something, or maybe be knighted by congress. I never mustered the courage to talk to him, though I did consider going over to the hot dog spinner and smearing mustard all over my shirt, and proclaim ” Oh no! I’ll never get this out!”

So the memorial tournament is here again. I myself have never gone, even though I plan on it every year. I’ve been all around the neighborhoods along the course, but never actually there. The thing that bothers me is, all the douche’s that go to the tourney. Now, not everyone pisses me off. Just the people who make me sit in traffic, while I drive around for work. What’s with all the cars for of queer dude’s all dressed up in full golf atire. At my old office, they used to run parking shuttles out of our lot. Groups of dudes would all show up in full golf gear, shoes in all. I never figured this out. I can see wearing jerseys to games, that means you are a party animal, or a fan of that particular team or player. The golf gear is a different matter. Do these guys wear Jock-straps, cups, and random baseball or football uniforms to those games, pants and all? Do they wear tanks and long shorts to NBA games? Then why do they dress like this for golf. Do they really need the matching Nike pants and shirt, with a visor? Nothing says “I’m Gay” like wearing matching golf outfits with a bunch of other guys, when you’re not actually golfing. I might actually start wearing full football uniforms to tailgate buckeye games. That would just make me look like a Raider fan, so maybe not.

Bruce Almighty

May 28, 2008

Tonight is the much anticipated debut of Reds phenom, Jay Bruce. The minor league MVP, and savior of cincinnati sports, is here, and ready for action. I expect nothing short of the reds going undefeated from here on out, except of course when Arroyo, and Belisle pitch, and then they’ll suck as usual. (as i type this, J.B. just got his 2nd hit, 1st RBI, and is now batting 1.000)

Hope everyone had a great memorial day weekend. Plenty of grilled meats, malted beverages, andmaybeeven some home made fireworks. This was obviously the case for me. It was a busy weekend for the thomas clan, as we tried to fit in family gatherings, graduation parties, fishing and beer, into just over two days. I did manage to catch a bass finally. Since rudi has decided that he is no longer going to behave at all, he now chases my lure and barks at me, andmustbe stopped. Fishing under these conditions is less than ideal, to say the least. I may need some helpful hints as to the best way to handle this hound, so I can fish. I need to find a way to keep him from ruining my little moments of zen while fishing, that will shut him up, but not ruin my standing with the wife, or PETA. As of now, I’m leaning towards waterboarding his little ass.

Was I the only one that wanted to see Danica Patrick get her ass kicked? Look I know she got wrecked, and it was clearly the other guys fault, but come on sweet cheeks. She got hit by a rookie, who lost control trying to leave the pits. A third of the cars were rookies, every 15 minutes the race would get stopped because of a wreck. It happens. She had every right to be pissed, not to act like a child, or tony stewart. Her crew tried to grab her, and she shoved them away, and they just said whatever. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Her car had no chance of winning, maybe she could have finished in the top ten, who knows. Shoving your crew chief, and walking down the pits like clint eastwood, is really intimidating when you weigh 90 pounds. I’ve been a mild Danica fan to this point, but it’s time to put the ho on a leash. Say she gets to the other guys pit. Then what? Does she yell? Shove? or even hit him? So what can he do? She weighs 90 pounds and is a girl, there is no recourse. If I were an indydriver, I’d be scanning the infield for the biggest nastiest biker chick I could find, give her a firesuit, and a pitpass, just to be on alert in case the diva came at me, and then watch her get her pampered ass stomped. Mario Andretti, one of the biggest names in indyracing has just one win at Indy. Lots of times he had the bad luck, of getting hit by other drivers, it happens. How often did you see him stomping down pit row, looking to throw down? Even if he did, he’d be doing so knowing the other guy could fight back. It’s like American league pitchers throwing at peoples heads knowing they’ll never see the recourse. She’s a woman driver after all, she was bound to crash sooner or later, or forget to put her gas cap back on. Even if she won, she’d forget where she parked, and have to call AAA. Now, if she wants to get all oiled up, andwrestle around, with another drivers hot wife, then I’m all for it.

On a side note, I did get my license renewed, and am back in good standing with the great state of Ohio. One downfall to this, was I finally had to update some of the stats on my license. I am no longer listed as the svelte 160 pounds I was when I turned 16. I am an organ donor though. What a disappointment that’s gonna be for some poor bastard. “well the liver replacement surgery went great, but the bad news is now you have cirrhosis, and a new form of the clap” This is just one more reason, I should be a shoe in for TIME magazines man of the year next year.

Chris breaks the law

May 23, 2008

This should come as a surprise to no one in particular.  But, yes, I broke the law. Ever hear somebody talking about getting pulled over, and then realizing they forgot to renew their license. Well, I didn’t get pulled over, but I did join that club. So I go and get the mail (   a bird also took a huge dump on our mailbox) and there’s a letter from the state of ohio. Oh shit. My first thought was that it was some kind of jury duty, and i immediately began plotting a way to fake my own death. Instead it was a friendly letter informing me that my license is now expired. As a jackass, I pretty much delegate anything that has to be documented, or is legally binding to my wife. I remember signing the thing to mail in and renew my tags, and registration, and sarah mailed it out, a long time ago. I guess with the baby, and the reds and bengals in peril, it slipped my mind, that I had to renew my license. Now I have to get a whole new license, photo and all. I’ve been refusing to cut my hair until griffey reaches 600, so the picture is going to look like the dude from ‘knocked up’.According to my math, I’m still under the deadline to have to pay a fine. All I should have to do, is pay the fee, get yelled at by an old lady, take a new photo, and be on my merry way. But i did break the law, and should pay the price. Maybe I’ll let someone pull out in front of me at an ntersection.

So we are on the cusp of the greatest event in mankind’s entertainment history. The release of the new Indiana Jones Movie. No more nazi’s, this time it’s the commies, that find themselves at the business end of a bull whip. This could be the first movie since “The Sisterhood of the travelling pants”, that I see in theatres more than twice.

As for todays food/fitness stats. Breakfast -yogurt, Coffee, and O.J.  Lunch -tuna salad, chips. Dinner -Hawaiian pizza, yeunglings. The real breakthrough, was that I had a DIET Dr. pepper. I can feel the pounds just falling off. Now I know how jared from subway feels, without having to visit a bathhouse.  As for the fitness, I did do some sit-ups, I walked rudi for an extended period of time, and I helped a guy load buckets into a truck at work. The buckets don’t sound like much, but I think I finished tearing my rotator cuff, so having to do everything (I mean everything) with only my left arm should help burn extra calories. Since it’s a holiday weekend, any progress I made this past week should get completely wiped out by what I eat and drink this weekend. So unless I manage to kick five pounds eating brats, and ribs, and pounding beers, I think my miracle diet may have to go on a 3 day break.

Also a special thanks to Clay Aiken, for having the best comment posting so far. Well done you magnificent bastard.

Candy man

May 22, 2008

So today, when I was mowing the yard (part of todays physical activity) one of the neighborhood kids approached me selling candy for some dumb assed school function. The threat of getting ran down by a motorized push mower was enough to run off todays solicitor, but it got me thinking. Why do the schools, and their associated groups make kids sell candy and magazines? Wasn’t that the gayest thing ever when you were in 7thgrade? I remember every time the candy bar sales drive would come around, I always tried to convince my teacher to not make me do it. It’s not that I hate candy, it’s just retarded, and I never sold anything. I grew up in the middle of nowhere. I had two siblings who also would be forced to sell candy, so that divided all relatives into a third of what the other kids would get to sell. The only neighbors I ever talked to were also selling the same shitty candy bars, so that ruled out selling to neighbors. My parents both worked at schools (who were having candy drives) so that eliminated selling to their co-workers, which pretty well meant that I was going to have to eat all the candy bars, and then use my allowance to pay for overpriced candy bars. At least we got a free kewpee coupon. Oh wait. I was 12 and lived 20 miles from kewpee. We also had to sell magazines which the same arguments as above applied, only nobody wants to ask a middle school kid if they have subscriptions to ‘Asian skank” or ‘Hustler’. The dude who was in charge of the magazine sales was quite possibly the biggest Con-man ever. He looked exactly like ‘Gem Diamond’ the Con-man from saved by the bell. In fact, when we were in 8th grade we walked in on “con-man” in the boys restroom, and we all started pointing, laughing, and yelling “Con Man” Con Man” Con Man”! he ran off in shame. Only the gay kids and the apartment kids would ever sell enough candy or magazines to get any cool prizes either. Like, a limousine ride to Burger King for lunch, or one minute in the box-o-flying money.  As we got older, it was a different kind of Con-man. Remember the Jostens class ring dude? This guy was quite possiby the biggest butthole of all. He talked all the kids into begging their parents for $400 to buy a shitty ring they would give to a slutty chick, then forget about, and lose it, and never wear after about two month’s. Anywho, I think it’s time we stop making our kids sell gay stuff. If they try to sell it to you, run them off with a mower.

I saw that Jason Taylor lost the dancing with the stars. Personally, I’ve only see three episodes of this show.  Once I noticed all the dancing chicks were incredibly hot, I made a mental note to keep watching, then forgot. I do support jason taylor though, as like him, I hate Bill Parcell’s. Apparently when Taylor came back from a break in the show, he walked into Bill Parcell’s office, only to have Bill Parcells ignore him, and not speak to him or look at him. Bill Parcells is a fat bastard who had it not been for lawrence taylor being loaded on coke, and a bills dude missing a field goal. He’d be Brian Billick with man tits. Instead everyone thinks he’s a genius. The dolphins are going to suck bad this season. Jason Taylor will be better off retiring, moving to hollywood. Milking his quazi-fame for all it’s worth, and nail as many b-list actresses as he can, then take a job at ESPN.

As for todays stats.

Breakfast -yogurt, tea, energy-drink, Lunch -Ham & swiss on wheat, dr. pepper, Supper -Grilled chicken breast and corn, Brownie, and yuengling’s.

Activities – Jogged 200 yards to a Mexican time machine to pee, dropped off lunch to clay aiken, cut the grass really fast, as to scare off a  candy selling kid, sit-ups, push-ups.

Physical

A new leaf

May 21, 2008

So I wanted to give cleveland fans a day to let it sit in. You just got swept by one of the worst teams in baseball. Knocked out of first place by my bottom dwelling redlegs. Sweep! Thank you for giving me this moment. Earlier this year, you gave me one of the best gifts ever. When all hope was lost with my bengals, your soon to be playoff bound browns came to town, and sucked it up, knocking themselves out of the playoffs. A true christmas miracle. Now you gave me this. Even though you are all bastards, destined for a life of shame, you’re alright in my book. And the reds thank you too.

One morning, while feeding dylan his early morning bottle, I switched on the t.v. ever so quietly, so as not to disturb my sleeping wife, or my feeding son. Once the tv was on, I tried to slide the remote closer, without pissing of Dylan. As a new father, I still have to use two hands, one to hold him, the other to hold the bottle. When you mess up, and the bottle pulls away, you have one pissed off baby. Well I knocked the remote off the couch, and the batteries fell out (the battery cover, about a year ago, found it’s way into rudi’s digestive tract, and has never been seen again). So there I was, stuck watching the retarded today’s show. I again, tried to suck out my filings to spit them at the t.v. to either turn the channel, or turn it off. No luck. That hack dentist really put them in there tight. Luckilly, in between talking about panda bears, and George Clooney’s good looks, they had some fat chick on, who was using a blog to monitor, and post her fight to lose weight, for the whole world to see. I’ve decided to try this myself. So here we go. The first edition of the new Chris Thomas fitness diary. I have no way to weigh myself, since we have no scale, except for my fishing scale, but I’m pretty sure I exceed the 16 pound weight limit. I will however make daily, or weekly posts, as to what I have done, diet or excercise wise to get into shape. This will in no way sacrifice the normal blog postings, my 12 readers have come to love. So the WWYRB series will go on, as well as any updates in the world of german beer, and pulled pork sandwiches, and sports. This will help keep me motivated, so the world wide web can hold me accountable. I’m not going to run any marathon’s or find mental clarity on any long distance hikes. Instead I’m still going to eat way too much pork, and chicken wings, and see if I can start a new diet craze the world can benefit from. Instead of doing pilates or spin classes, I plan on donning a leotard, and leg warmers, and doing yard work at a really fast pace. I may drive around while wearing a garbage bag, and sweat suit, with the heater on full blast, like the wrestlers in high school. I may run, and lift weights, but may just play horse in my neighbors driveway. I’ll post my food consumption, and excercise here. So hold me accountable interneters. If anyone sees a youtube video of me in a pay by the hour motel room with a rack of ribs, call me out on it. If anyone else wants to join in, feel free. The only way I have to monitor my weight loss, short of going to a doctor, or buying a scale, is by jumping on th dog scale at Petsmart, or seeing how I fit in old clothes. Here I come prom Dress!

Todays meals included a ham salad sandwich from a gas station in greater cincinnati. This may not be healthy, but i’m counting on the eventual food poisoning to knock off at least 8 pounds. I also had tuna for supper. I did really no actual excercise, but I do plan on watching sports on t.v. so thats like subconcious excercise. I may even masturbate. That’s gotta be like 80 calories.

God speed.

Inter-league?

May 16, 2008

Here we find ourselves at that wonderful time of year when the two major leagues come together, and play by one of the leagues rules. This time around it’s the N.L.’s romantic and out-dated rules we’ll play by. This brings us to the question of which Indians pitcher will jack a homer off of the reds? This is just one of the things about inter-league play that makes it sooointriguing. Ah the skewed stats, that merging of fan bases that justifies this modern twist on baseball. Personally, I like inter-league play. In fact I like inter everything. Inter-race brought us halle berry http://celebs-porno.com/Halle_Berry1/Halle_Berry6.jpg and here http://celebs-porno.com/Halle_Berry1/Halle_Berry9.jpg Inter galactic travel brought us Chewbacca, and that chick from Total recall with three boobs. Inter-species brought us the liger http://www.restorationfarms.com/gifs/liger4.jpg and the Tigon  http://hydepark.hevre.co.il/upload08/060404_150622-851_tigon.jpg as well as Julia Roberts. The problem is that baseball skews the stats of inter-league play. When the tribe usually draws 30-35 thousand fans on a weekend, and the reds 20 thousand, they should draw a combined 50, that’s just basic math, not a genius sales mechanism. Instead of adding fans, baseball just uses the numbers from combining two markets into one, a few weeks out of the year. I think this is one of the things Enron got in trouble for. When you combine both new york or chicago markets and fill one stadium, it isn’t adding fans, it takes away from the amount of fans that could watch a game live or on t.v. Instead of 2 stadiums 2/3 full, we now have one. Instead of two networks airing games that would be watched by a rabid fan base, it combines them into one network. Oh well. Sunday should be a great matchup between the best ERA in the A.L. in Cliff Lee, and the best in the N.L. in Edinson Volquez of the reds. Both could win the Cy young, for non playoff teams. Realistically the vastly over-rated Brandon Webb has already clinched the NL cy young, even though his ERA is double that of Volquez, and he has way less strikeouts. Since he gets more run support, and has more wins (the most over-rated pitching stat ever) he’s already got the award in the bag. Either way my pick is for Fausto Carmona to go yard in cincy.

Recently I lost one of the fine eateries within walking distance of my office, A&W rootbeer. It’s now another starbucks. The good news is, in the vacant parking lot next door we have a new seasonal eatery. A mobile hog roast stand. Yes, a hillbilly using what looks like an old Job-site generator to smoke pigs, and sell them out of his truck in sandwich form. I tried it today, and no repercussions yet, and yes it was as delicious as it sounds. Nothing like Pulled pork sandwiches from a guy who likely hasn’t washed his hands since he was fingerprinted after his most recent meth-lab arrest. Too bad he only takes cash. stupid direct deposit, I could have done my grocery shopping for the week.

I’ve decided to start a new psychological experiment. Fucking with people while driving, and trying to guess their reactions. My first experiment is to pull up beside people and stare directly at them, for as long as possible. I expected to get “the finger” a lot more than I have. Surprisingly, women drivers, seem to stare back for a while, before looking into the rearview mirror, shouting something, then driving recklessly away. male drivers seem to like to stare back, then shout profanity’s at me. This result was also expected. The reactions seem to be detrimental to what side of the road you are on when you try this. On the right side, you seem to be more curious, and they ignore you. Coming up from the left side, is when the most exciting reactions take place. this can only mean one thing. People hate left handers.  The other experiment is one you can all try as well. When pulled up to a stop sign, or stop light behind another car, with at least one more car behind you. Leave a good 8 to 10 feet between you and the car ahead of you, and then inch by inch pull ahead, stopping between inch ups. Just by the looks of the car or the driver behind you, try and guess whether or not they pull up inch by inch behind you. It’s really fun, especially when you stare in your mirror at them behind you, and laugh. It seems that people who appear to be lower income, and those who appear to be driving the most expensive cars, will always pull up behind you one inch at a time. Those in the middle seem to realize pulling ahead one inch gives them no benefit, and stay put. After about the fifth or sixth time they pull ahead an inch or so behind you, you know all you need to know about this person. You can even try this on people you know. Sometimes they even get pissed off by the teasing of thinking they are about to go somewhere, only to be disappointed by being just one inch farther than they were a moment ago. If anyone else can help in my study, please do. Let me know what you find.

Note: Writer is not responsible for you running over a pedestrian beacuase you were staring at the person next to you while driving down the road, conductiong an experiment from a moronic blog.

My new hero.

May 16, 2008

For the last several years, I’ve loathed Derek Jeter, in many ways. Maybe it’s jealousy over the yankees sucess vs. that of my Reds in the past decade or so. Maybe it’s those dreamy eyes, and that perfect smile. Maybe it’s the money or the fame. Maybe it’s because he got to shower with Wade Boggs. I’ve decided to put all that behind me. Though I still suspect him of mass buggery, Derek jeter is my new hero. Knocking my former hero Andres Galaraga off his mighty perch. It’s no secret that he has been a man about town. Enjoying the fame, and success that comes with being the most popular yankee. Recently, Maxim Magazine, released it’s list of the top 100 hottest women in the world. Somehow they snubbed Food Network hottie Paula Deen, but I’ll let it slide this year. The big news, was that 6 of the women on the list have been linked romantically to Derek Jeter. Some are calling him ‘The Yankee Pimper’ or ‘The Sultan of Twat’. I call him my hero. So I’ve decided to do a Derek Jeter version of ‘Who would you rather bang?’.

here they are in no particular order (this way you can’t get mad if the black ones are last).

Jessica Biel – One of Dereks longer flames. Is one in shape hottie. http://www.free-celebrity.com/celeb-pics/jessica_biel/9/61205_nerblejessicabielgq05ao4_122_223lo.jpg her good looks are starting to get her some major roles. She’s about to get the same post Adam Sandler movie boost that Pete Sampras’ wife has been enjoying.

Jessica Alba – As many know, I’m a big fan of hers. According to one of the retarded entertainment shows my wife watches, jessica is knocked up. but don’t hold that against her. http://www.slutceleb.com/8/Jessica_Alba_great_nudes_jan08/images/alba_jessica29.jpg

Scarlett Johansson – or Scarlett and the Johansson’s as she likes to be called. http://celebs-porno.com/Scarlett_Johansson2/Scarlett_Johansson16.jpg She’s the resident blonde here, and is not knocked up that I know of.

Vanessa Minnillo – Let’s take a trip south of the border here. http://celebs-porno.com/Vanessa_Minnillo1/Vanessa_Minnillo9.jpg According to the aforementioned retarded celebrity shows, this chick is dating Nick Lachey, so you may see her at a reds game.

Mariah Carey – The old one of the bunch. went from hot to crazy, to fat to hot again. http://video-celebs.com/Mariah_Carey7/Mariah_Carey14.jpg 

Gabrielle Union –  chick I know the least about. http://video-celebs.com/Gabrielle_Union/Gabrielle_Union15.jpg  But is still hot none the less.

 

So instead of just voting, please rank them in order of first to worst. If we just voted for one, everyone would end up picking Nick lachey, or Wade boggs.

 

So yeah, I finally joined that elite group, that is mainly made up of residents of Oklahoma Trailer parks. The People who have seen a tornado, group. Actually I saw two, but one barely counted, as it was more like an angry cloud dingleberry than a destructive force of nature. Neither really did any damage, but they were twisters, all the same. So this past thursday, there I was. Driving back from Cincinnati late in the afternoon, Around 6 O’clock. The Radio was interrupted by reports of law enforcement confirming touchdown of a tornado running along I-71. They said a mile marker number, and an exit, and I thought to myself “sweet”. Then I saw both the aforementioned mile marker, and the exit in question. I began to hunt twisters. The sky wasn’t all that intimidating. Off to my left was a cloud with what looked like a nut sack below it, then a little tail spinning out of the bottom. Super sweet! My first tornado. It was gone before I could start playing with myself, or my cell phone. Then off to the right, I noticed the same “cloud nut sack” phenomenon. This time, an even bigger twister formed straight out of the bottom. No carnage could be seen as there was a forest in between myself, and the twister. Stupid Johnny Appleseed. This time, I had to call somebody. Apparently tornado’s make cell phone’s not work, because when I dialed, it did nothing. Once I was clear of the storm, I discovered People who knew I was in the area, had called to tell me about the storm. It never went through. Then my air conditioning stopped working completely. Not only did it not work, it was blowing hot air. All the gauges seemed fine, and the next day, the AC worked like a champ. This can only mean one thing. Weather is out to get me. Then this weekend, when I was going to be home all night on a friday, the reds get rained out, when they were going to be on in HD. Then, sunday, I had plans for some early morning bass fishing, only to watch a thunderstorm sweep through at 7 a.m. This makes 2 for 2 fishing trips cancelled due to shitty weather. I’m not taking this sitting down. I’ve officially declared a Jihad on weather. Global warming dosn’t got shit on me. From here on out, I’m doing whatever I can to combat our climate, and show it who’s boss. I’m going to start driving around in my truck, with a generator running in the back, just for the extra fumes. I might also spray aerosol hairspray cans out my window as I drive. At the grocery, when they ask, “paper, or plastic”. I’m taking both. Then I’ll proceed to burn the empties. My garden hose will be on full time now, just so I know I have new water in there whenever I might use it again. I’m also going to run the house A.C. full blast, then open all the windows, whenever it gets too hot outside. I may even flush before, and after I go potty. Weather, You’ve made a powerful enemy, my friend.

Thanks mom

May 12, 2008

Happy Mothers Day, to all the great moms out there, and the shitty one’s too. As a new parent, I have a greater appreciation for the hard work a mother has to put in, to get us through this world. It doesn’t just start with defending your honor when other people call you a retard, or a homo. No mothers are looking out for us from the very start. Feeding in the middle of the night, and constant ass whiping’s are just a few of the things we have to thank our mothers for. Through the years, we test a moms patience, and even drive them to drinking, dementia, and scientology. No matter what, a mom always stands by your side, unlike that whore Tammy Wynette. Hope everyone was able to spend some time with their mom today. If not, I really hope you called. If you haven’t called yet, it’s too late, your mom already went to bed wishing she had used birth control, and now hates you. Way to go.

Big Buford

May 7, 2008

Today may not have been the most exciting day of all time, but I did learn a few lessons. At my job, I have to go into strange peoples houses, to listen to them complain about what they think is fucked up. I then tell them something they may or may not want to hear, depending on how bad I hate them, and then I go on to the next one. Of course, if I piss them off bad enough, I just apologize “sincerely”, and they feel much better. Many times, I get to go into Indian people’s houses. Now before anyone gets all pissed off, I’m not trashing Indian people. Just I can’t stand curry, and most the indian people’s houses I get to go to wreak of it. Well today was no different. I had to travel to the greater Dayton area for this stop. I’ve always wondered if indian people are excluded from child abuse. The news just tells me when white and black people do it, and that’s it. The first lesson I learned today, is that indian people can beat the shit out of their kids. The actual homeowner I visited was likely the hottest of all the indian homeowner’s I’ve visited, though she was still only about a 4 on a 1-10 scale. Not knocking ya Indian people, it’s just you can do a lot better. Well her parents were there as well, I think so I could piss of three people instead of the normal one. Anywho, one of the kids ran into some boxes, knocking over all of them, and some other stuff as well. This sent Grandma into a violent child beating rage. This chick went apeshit, cussing at him in as many languages as she could muster, while horse collaring the little scamp, and throwing a flurry of full bore spankings at the boy. Most of my childhood, i was either in trouble, or in the process of getting into trouble, so I’ve seen a lot of pissed off parent reactions, but this lady scared me. She could have held her own with any Georgian backwoods redneck. She even spanked his ass with a frisbee, or a little plastic plate, I couldn’t tell cause it was moving in a blur towards his hiney. So even though I don’t condone child abuse, I like to think of it as a cross cultural learning experience.

My next lesson, was far more important. Since I had not eaten since 6 a.m. and the fear of the crazy Indian chick starting to wear off, it was time to stop for some lunch. Since I had been in a hurry to put as much Ohio countryside between me, and the crazy lady, I passed a lot of good lunch options. I was about to go intro a stretch of Interstate 70 that was as barren as a nuns lingerie droor, my options would be limited. Fate shined on me, as the next exit had big tall signs indicating fast food was on the menu. I decided Rally’s would be the stop. Since I can’t remember the last time I had Rally’s, I kept it simple, and went with the Big Buford. Buford was angry today my friends. Dead smack in the middle of nowhere, I experienced what could only be described as an anal aneurysm. There was nowhere to stop, and crapping in a gatorade bottle at high speeds was not an option. The only thing worse would have been this http://www.break.com/index/trapped-in-an-elevator-with-diarrhea_1.html I was able to hold off the attack, and keep my shorts clean, by eating 22 rolaids, and drinking a Dr. pepper. This did the trick, except now, I’m gonna be backed up for a few days. I’m just one bloated asshole,  and my next turd will just be a big pile of chalk. The lesson’s one could take from this are as follows. Plan your route to stay close to toilets, whenever possible. Keep Rolaids close by, and Dr. Pepper as well, just in moderation. Finally, make sure your stomach is at full strength before taking on the Big Buford.

Happy birthday to the loyal blog readers who have birthdays this week. You old bastards.

President Bush’s daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend. So in honor of this, I’m bringing back the ‘who would you rather bang?’ experience. This week we’re gonna do it up right, in honor of the White house wedding. The Contestants are all fitting for this occasion. The Bush girls! Barbara (the young one), Jenna, and Reggie.

Barbara, has dark hair, and was named after her Grandmother, and has grown up to be pretty hot if I do say so myself. http://cellar.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=10637&d=1164226267 she graduated from Yale, so she must not like sports. She also has worked with people with Aids in Africa, so watch out for that.

Jenna, is the blonde of the bunch. Graduated from the university of texas, so she must not like good sports. She was a member of a sorority. Schwing! the same fraternity as Blanche from the Golden girls. Schwing! Schwing! She’s about to go off the market. http://www.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,1669595_1459802,00.html

Reggie, is a football player I hear? He must spend a lot of time in the sun since, he’s a lot darker complected than the other Bush girls. He’s friends with Condoleeza Rice, so he actually does tie in to this. He’s currently getting sloppy 2nd’s from Kim Kardashian, and knows jared from subway. http://oddculture.com/2008/01/02/reggie-bush-gets-kim-kardashian-bush/