Big Boy

April 30, 2008

Dylan continues to grow right in front of our eyes. He’s already grown out of a few outfits. Still too small to wear the ‘who farted?’ unitard, but we’ll get there. Yesterday he even got his Social Security card in the mail. Now he can officially fall victim to identity theft. Every morning we wake up early, and let mommy sleep. I give him a bottle, I drink some tea (I’ve switched to tea, in hopes of qualifying for the british national team in the mens pairs in syncronized swimming at the Bejieng Olympics), and we watch sportscenter. He likes the plays of the week. I have learned a few lessons though. Apparently bottle nipples come in multiple sizes. If one does not check the nipple size, a newborn baby will essentially be Bonging milk. Though he may finish it in 5 minutes, soon he will throw up everywhere, including on his dad. Today for instance he hit for the cycle. First during a diaper change he pissed all over me, causing me to go to shirt number 2 before I even went to work. His next at bat, during the burping, he yakked all over me. This would be shirt number 3, before lunch. In his final plate appearance, I noticed he was smiling extra big. This means he’s either naked, or dropping a duece in his diaper. It was the latter. When I picked him up, I noticed this was no normal crap. This time it was so much it exploded out the top of his diaper, and all over his back. He spends most of his time on his back, but it was still an impressive feat. So of course I got shit all over me, making it shirt number 4. From now on, he’s just gonna have to wear a baby sized tyvek suit, to match his dads.

Let me start off by saying I know next to nothing about Hannah Montanna, except that her dad had the best mullet of all time. While watching the news tonight, I was delighted to find that half the “news” portion was devoted to her, and a recent photo shoot for a Vanity Fair. One photo, she has a sheet wrapped over her body exposing part of her back. The other, she is wearing jeans and a tank top while resting her arm on Billy Ray Cyrus’ leg, this is the one that upset the fat lady from missouri. Apparently ALL of America is in an outrage over these photo’s because they are soo racey, and not suitable for a young audience. First off, isn’t Vanity Fair for adults anyway? How bout not letting your kids read adult mags? If it’s too racey for little kids, unless they are on the internet un-supervised, how the hell are they gonna see it anyway? Second. If you see a photo of a fully dressed father and daughter laying next to eachother, and the first thing that comes to your mind is that they are fucking, guess what? your the one who’s fucked up, go back to wal-mart and mark down the clearance items. Thirdly, This is not racey. I’m sick of dumb assed american’s getting all offended by things most people don’t even give a second thought to. It’s not like she made a sex tape, or flashed her bare crotch anyway. We all know this kid is about 2 years away from a major coke habit, and 6-8 years from an embarrasing mugshot photo, like all child stars. Let this one go. People need to re-adjust what they find offensive. To help everyone out I’ve assembled an S.A.T. suitable breakdown of what IS and what IS NOT offensive. So here we go.

Blogger note: Half of these may offend everone so don’t bitch at me. Open at your own disgression

1. The Hannah Montana “sheet” photo (not offensive) 

2. The famous 2 girls one cup video (Really Offensive) This should offend pretty much anyone who still has a soul.

3. The picture of Hannah Montana and her dad (not offensive)

4. A website devoted to people who start to have full-on sex, only to realize there is an extra penis at the party (Offensive, but hillarious) 

5. Elmo from sesame street (not offensive)

6. A site that reveals one of the greatest tragedies in sports. Adam Dunns stats and salary (greatly offensive)

Hope this benefits everyone. Just to be safe, we’ll do one more without me giving away the answer. It’s fun to pass around to people and get them to open it up at work.

Your welcome America


Draft Hangover

April 29, 2008

Well the speculation is past, the draft has come and gone. I like how reading all the grades, you can read 10 different “experts” opinions, and they’ll give 10 different grades for the same team. I like how fans actually go to the draft to cheer, and then unless their team picks a QB RB or WR they boo. I do have to say I’m jealous of Pittsburgh. They always draft great players, they win every year without signing any big name free agents. They drafted a stud RB, but they didn’t draft a dude from Myrtle Beach Tech like my bengals did they? This isn’t the only lapse in my television life. I’ve gone one full week without watching any John Adams on HBO, the best show ever.

I’ve decided to make up for my loss, with a career move. I’m not changing jobs or anything. I’ve decided to whore myself out for blame. Literlly being a fall guy. Recently there was some scheduling conflicts at my company, and some people were going to be pissed off that we could not do what we said we were going to do on a certain day. This had nothing to do with me in any way. However, I did step in and call the ‘soon to be pissed off people’ and give them the bad news, taking the full blame myself. This is not the first time I’ve done this. At my old company we had offices in different cities. Whenever something bad happened in one of the other cities, I’d get a call, a brief rundown of the problem, and then I’d claim the blame in exchange for free lunches, cigars, and cases of beer. All I have to do is get a quick scouting report as to what I’m gonna have to apologize for, pretend like I actually give a shit for two minutes, listen to someone who has zero impact on my life yell at me, take full responsabillity for the problem, and that’s it. This is one of my “inyangibles”. Something few people can deal with, but what I can do better than anyone. I’m like the Andres Galaraga of getting yelled at, and acting like I’m sorry for it. It’s not that I’m dead inside or anything, or that i enjoy getting yelled at, it’s just I don’t care. Really theres just a handfull of people in this world, who if they are mad at me, I’ll get upset. Other people hate getting yelled at, even by strangers, so it’s time to take that burden away. In exchange for beer, money, or whatever, I’m gonna start taking the blame for people. it’s my gift to society. That and crabs. If anyone has to apologize, or fess up, or take the hit from their co-worker, boss, spouse, mother, cleaning lady etc. just call me, we’ll work out the details, and i’ll take care of it. I’m great at getting yelled at. For some reason no matter how pissed off someone is, if you just say, “I’m sooooo sorry, this is completely my fault” or ” I totally dropped the ball, and I apologize, it won’t happen again”, they feel better. If anyone gets in hot water, just blame me. Prepare to pay up though. I may be a blame whore, just not a cheap one. If you find my prices are too high, I also offer diversion services as well. If you stay out way too late, and your wife no longer talks to you, just give me a call. I can piss her off so bad, she’ll never remember she hates you. If you forget the anniversary, I can throw up in your wifes purse. If you forget a deadline at work, and you think you’re gonna get fired, call me. I’ll rent a car and smash your bosses volvo with my uninsured Chevy Cobalt rental car, and your mistakes will be old news. Send me a message if you think you can benefit from my services. Just have the Beer or the makers mark, or the cash ready, I’m a phone call away.

Adios Ocho

April 25, 2008

It’s finally here. The day I finally gave up defending the artist sometimes known as Ocho Cinco. Being the language expert I am, let me point out, that Chad Johnson knows little about spanish, and is shitty at math. Ocho Cinco is just 8, 5. Ochenta y Cinco is the proper name for the number 85. Besides that, he is a winey pussy, and his agent Drew Rosenblouse is a turd burglar. I’ve finally had enough of his bitching and wining. It started as complaining about the bengals not defending his criticism in the media. So what the bengals are a hard core aryan brother, and chad is their prison bitch? Then he claims they talked about trading him mid season, when they have turned down offers only a fool would pass up. they are fools. This is all a little game designed by his agent to get him more money. Ever since carson palmer yelled st him on monday night football, poor little chad has acted like a little girl scorned by the boy who popped her cherry. He’s now claiming he won’t play for the bengals any more. Fine. He’s at the most expendable position on the team, even though T.J. would be all they have left. At any given time, the bengals play 3-5 receivers. I’m sure we can draft two more who won’t bitch and cry the whole time. I’d also like to announce I am selling a Bengals #85 infant jersey, never worn. Sorry Jeffe. Poor Chad can’t stand it that his buddy T.J. has finally passed him up. Even though Ocho Cinco is a great player, it’s time to let him go. keeping him around will be a nightmare similar to T.O. and the Eagles. (also a Rosenblouse client). I say trade him to Dallas. They have an extra first rd. pick, and it would be the most exciting thing to ever happen in football. Imagine the cast of fuck ups they would have. Tank ‘Tech-9’ Johnson, Terrell “I;m gonna kill myself” Owens, Tony Romo Simpson, and Pac-man Jones, the one man crime spree. Maybe they’ll win it all, maybe one of them will kill another during a timeout. Either way, it’d be one hell of a show. Jerry jones just might pull it off.

Draft time is upon us. The time of year when teams spend countless hours researching talent, and when the bengals pull names out of a hat. Now that all the Bengals have gotten arrested, they’ve decided it’s better to draft pussies, than be good at football. My guess is they draft a punter out of yale. Hopefully Darren McFadden can knock up one more chick before saturday, and he falls to cincy with the nine pick. It is my lucky number after all. With him we might actually get a running first down this year. If the bengals can trade Chad, we could get at least another 1st rd. pick, and use it on an O-lineman, or a receiver to replace our touchdown diva. The browns don’t get to draft this year, as they’ve traded them away. We’ll see how that works. My guess is the bengals get either Sedrick Ellis, or trade down, or take keith rivers, if they don’t take the punter from yale. Maybe they could trade to the reds for Adam Dunn. Not sure where he’d play, but it would help both squads. Since my Draft guru has taken the year off, my analysis is limited to the Ohio teams. Usually I take part in the Columbus local radio stations draft day. It takes place at a BW-3’s at 10 a.m. the friday before. Everyone gets to “apply” for a team, and I get the bengals. It was always fun eating hot wings and drinking draft beer at 10 a.m. on a friday, and guessing who your team would pick. The best part was when you order the beer, the radio guy says “So I take it your not going back to work after this” and I say “Oh I’m going back” Ahhh professionalism. So no radio draft, where I try to say “butthole” live on air this year folks. No lynch report, but the draft will go on. I may still get wings. Dylan should be ready for some solid food anyway.

Behind enemy lines

April 24, 2008

The Buckeyes have added a new man. Former Michigan starting offensive lineman Justin Boren. Boren who was a starter every game last year, and parts of his freshman season, stated his reason for leaving was that Dick Rod, wanted to film all the teams post practice shower sessions. This statement could not be verified, but it sounds good. Boren who hails from Pickerington, is the son of former UM captain, Mike Boren. He may never play a snap at OSU, but this is huge for the greatest rivalry in sports. A kid from a family who bleeds Maize (the color not the corn) and blue, has switched alliances, mid career. This is like Jim Lechay’s son transferring to the team up north. Going form hating everything OSU to Joining buckeye nation, is usually reserved only to people betting against point spreads, not for athletes in the middle of their career. Being that he was a starter at UM, makes it that much better.

He wasn’t the only one switching from one rival to the other. Reds G.M. Wayne Krivsky’s reign of terror is finally over, and he’s been replaced by former cardinals G.M. Walt jocketty. Wayne did some great things, but some shitty ones as well. (see Arroyo, Dunn, Stanton, makiewski etc) Walt pretty much built the cardinals that were perneial playoff teams, and was brought on board as an “advisor” in the offseason. Hopefully Wayne was smart enough to read between the lines on this one. Anytime someone with way more experience, knowledge, success, is brought in to “assist” you, you’re pretty well fucked. I think if you are sitting i the owners box on opening day, looking out and seeing the collection of turds you’ve gathered take the field, and a guy like jockety is standing behind you, you should just go to right then and there.

The hornets are back. I’ve come to realize the more generic the can of hornet spray looks to be, the better it is. If a can has really cool graphics, count on it sucking bad. There has to be some connection with the strange lights that were seen flying over Phoenix AZ. last week, and the hornets in my yard. Both seem to come and go for no reason at all. I saw the UFo thing on the news. Did anyone try shooting at them? I’ve never been a big believer in the UFO sightings, as most of the people who see them are white trash jackasses like these If there really are UFO’s visitng earth, chances are they could fuck us up real quick. So why don’t we provoke them a bit? Nothing else is going on anyway. Isn’t this so why we blew up that satelite last winter? Why not shoot something at them, like I did with the hornets?

Am I the only one who has gotten de-sensitized by athletes cussing on t.v.? It’s just not the same as it was when we were little. I remember when I used to go to school all excited, and ask my friends, “did you see Lenny Dykstra say fuck last night?” Now it’s just ho-hum, unless you read their lips saying something cool like butthole or something. It always seemed cooler when you’re breaking rules that only applied to little kids. Once you’re allowed to say “shit” real loud, it kinda loses it’s luster. Remember when the schools started putting the traffic lights in the cafeteria to let the kids know when they were too loud. Who’s dumb assed idea was that. The light would be green when everyone was behaving, but if you got too loud, they would turn it to yellow. It was pretty much a rule that if it ever got to yellow, all the little kids would go apeshit, until it turned red, then it was the greatest day ever, and you’d get yelled at. The adults were never smart enough to realize the kids were using it for their enjoyment. All it ever did was desensitized us from being bad. Like saying Shit real loud, the yellow light started to lose it’s luster. Next thing you know, you’re sitting around wathing a pitcher who just got yanked yell FUCK! real loud, and you barely take notice. Sad indeed.


April 22, 2008

I’ve decided I am going to start entertaining new passions, now that it’s official. The Reds are going to suck pretty bad again this year. I never expected them to do great things, I just figured the other NL central teams would suck bad enough, that a near .500 record would be enough to entertain playoff dreams. Now many people would say, “chris, why don’t you become more active in the community with your extra time?” or “start a running” to this I say, Blah. I’m looking for something cool to do, not live in a state of denial. So far i’ve came up with a few possible baseball replacements. Lawn Darts, Yard work, Yelling at cars for driving too fast, and home brewing, possibly switching to moonshine. Of course the yard work could also switch to growing pot or peyote, but i don’t want to get ahead of myself. So without being like the fat jack-ass bible thumper who claims to be a recovering whatever, I’m searching for a new passion this summer, that will allow me to maintain my soul. I may cut an album. Not sure of the genre, but if anyone has any musical talents, maybe I could ride their coattails. Maybe I’ll start that X rated newsletter i’ve been talking about. Or maybe i’ll write a romance novel. I’ve conquered the hornets in my yard, so that’s gone. All I can do is ponder my future, until football season returns, where I’m sure to be dissapointed yet again. One thing I can do, is bitch and moan about other stupid things happening in everyday life. Such as.

A few congressman/congresswomen who have nothing better to do, are moving to do an investigation into the BCS on anti-trust violations. Now, I’ll be the first to admit the BCS sucks, but the grounds for their  arguments are pretty gay. They hail from Hawaii, Georgia, and Idaho. I didn’t know we allowed congressman from Idaho to talk, but Oh well. Apparently, they are claiming the BCS only caters to the big schools, and doesn’t allow everyone a fair shot at the title. I guess they didn’t notice, that Georgia finished third in the SEC, Hawaii, got destroyed by Georgia, and Boise State, flat out sucks a fat one. I know they won that one great game, but that’s what made it soooo exciting, they had no business being there at all. I’m sooo upset we didn’t give hawaii a chance to play LSU for the title, they were pretty competitive against georgia, who didn’t even make the SEC title game. I’m glad nothing else important is happening in america right now. Thank god we got Social Security, Immigration, Iraq, Taxes, Healthcare, the housing market, the economy, and gas prices taken care of, and now we can move onto the important stuff.


The Bee Busters

April 19, 2008

As a youth I entered into the toughest street gang in the suburbs of west gomer OH. The Bee Busters. We were one hardcore bunch. Picture the southpark gang, except all members were Eric Cartman, just not fat (teej was butters). Our enemies were the bees that freguented the west central OH countyside, especially in the neighbors apple grove. Our weapon of choice, wiffle ball bats. The alpha male, or whoever had first dibs, got the big womper, a bad-assed plastic bat that resembled captain cavemans club. No matter what tool of death we yielded, we kicked some bee ass. If word spread of a bee stinging, the bee busters would hop on their BMX’s and roll out. Some times we’d smash bees that had landed on an apple, a branch, or another members head, most times we’d swing wildly into the air. The best was when you could pick up a rotting apple with a bee already on it, throw it at another kid, causing a bruise, and the bee to sting him. Most times it just stung our fingers. The estimated death toll of bees was in the quatrillions. I believe this is why the modern “super bee” has risen to power. It was survival of the fittest, and whichever bee could escape our rath, has now bread a swarm of O.G. Bees. The last two days, I had to revert to the acts of my gangland youth. Thursday afternoon, while rescuing the patio furniture from their winter prison, I noticed a swarm of hornets/wasps in the immediate area of my grill. This was a bad move for the little bastards. The bee busters are back, in the form of me, a hose, and a 3-wood. You know when one of your neighbors is outside doing something really stupid, and you can’t look away? Well that was me. Your welcome neighbors. After royally pissing off the wasps/hornets, and getting stung for the first time in quite a while, I called it a night, and regrouped. The backyard was off-limits to everyone, as dozens of stinging bastards were on the lookout for anything to sting. After some careful game planning and a few beers, I turned to an ally not available to the original bee busters. The Lowes Insect killing isle. Since I know very little about which of the dozens of aerosol poisons needed for this task. I did what anyone in my situation would do, and went with the one that was 2-for-1. Shock and awe. Plus the label was the coolest. Here’s where the story goes from retarded, to a lesson for anyone who finds themself in my situation. First, when a lable says it sprays up to 30 feet, this means eight feet. So when you have literally stirred up a hornets nest, your estimated safe distance is pretty well fucked. When it says it kills on contact, this means it was tested on weak-assed labratory hornets, not the backyard killers I’ve been dealing with. So what the lable should say instead of ‘kills on contact’ should say, ‘this will really piss off a hornet if you spray him with it, he’ll have just enough energy to flag you down and sting your ass, especially since you’ll only be five feet away because this product sprays like a can of shaving cream’. So I reverted to the hose, this bought me enough time to get out the gate, and back into the garage where more beer and game planning transpired. Since I used up both full cans with little success it was back to Lowes. This time I bought two separate brands, with much lower expectations. After another failed attempt, I decided to actually read the directions. I guess your supposed to wait until ‘dusk’ when the hornets settle down, and spray them, and the nest all at once. A little to calculated for my tastes, but I gave it a shot. The Bee Busters themselves could not have done better. Theres dead hornets all over the place, and a lot of poisonous foam as well, but who cares. As of now, the yard is safe. A few rogue hornets escaped my wrath, but Ortho foaming wasp and hornet spray did the trick. I have enough left over to finish off the straglers in the morning. Wooohooo. So I got stung a few times, but it happens. I’ll be able to grill out tomorow just in time to watch Joe Calzaghe pound Bernard Hopkins face in tomorow night on HBO. I’ll be flying the welsh flag high, I just might add a Bee Busters logo in the corner.

That’s not only literal, it’s also a play on words. Today I gave Dylan his first bottle, and he really liked it. He shit himself, but he ate like a champ. I’m starting to think he doesn’t have the full digestive system. From what I remember from anatomy classes, and my knowledge of sausage, the GI tract is supposed to be long and windy. I think he just has like a J-drain that goes right to the pooper. Either way we both enjoyed the experience, and then he threw up on me. I call it a draw. Good day though.

We’ve also been having a streak of about three straight days of solid sunshine. Beautiful. This however is not the reason I’ve shook off the blues, nor the reds, as they might just suck a fat one again this year. No, the real reason for my new found joy, is the most glorious piece of news I’ve ever received. last night while watching one of Columbus’ retarded local news stations they closed with a story that has changed my life forever. Apparently the University of Florida, and coach Urban Meyer, got out the 2007 BCS football championship trophy, to do some photoshoots. You know the literally crystal ball football. Well apparently while it was sitting on a desk, either it got knocked off onto the floor or dropped, and busted into a million little pieces. HOOOOOOOOOORAAAAAAAY!!!!! This officially makes the Ohio State Buckeyes the 2006-2007 College Football BCS Champions!!!!! Sorry, fuckers, but you break it you lose it. Apparently whatever secretary that was carrying it, walked in on Tim Tebow drinking his own pee, and dropped it in horror. They say it was insured, but I think capture the flag rules should apply. It gets dropped, even back at base, it starts all-over, and thus goes to OSU.

Speaking of College football, theres a lot going on. Apparently Herschel Walker has multiple personalities. None of which ever graduated from college. I wonder if this disqualifies his old bobsled team for having too many players? He also said he has no memory of winning the heisman. My new plan is to convince Herschel he never won it at all, and that the trophy is rightfully mine, and then after a drunken jet-ski accident lose it at the bottom of the pond. OSU Reciever Ray Small is being punished by coach tressell. how you might ask? Tressel took away his treasured #4 and stuck him with # 82 the shittiest number in all of sports. Instead of being clearly the fastest receiver on the team, he now looks like the smallest tight end ever. Oh well it could be worse, he could make him transfer to Michigan.

Ole Dick Rod, is still refusing to answer any questions about possible cover-ups regarding Chris Henry and pac-man Jones while they were at WVU under dick-rod. Apparently they got in trouble there too (whoda thunk it), and most of their antics were swept under the rug. I think Dick Rod. is making a huge mistake separating himself from Pac-man and Henry. He should embrace the fact that he brought them under his wing, before setting them out on a life of crime. Think of the upside while recruiting. Everyone knows all the good athletes are usually the biggest dicks anyway. Instead of sitting down at the table with a star QB and his parents and telling them about what a great education they’ll have at UM. Why not just ask him “do you like to get fucked up?” “do you like to go to strip clubs and make it rain?” “Do you wanna hop out of a limo and pull a gun on someone while wearing you’re own jersey?” “Well I’m your man to get you there”. No more acting like these troubled kids are gonna go straight, just be real about it. He could convince all the best athletes, that they could not only go to school for free, play ball, make millions, but also be total assholes while doing so. Think about it. Would you rather listen to Charlie Weiss tell you about what a great leader you’ll be if you go to Notre Dame, while he eats all your parents food, or listen to a guy who can promise baby mommas. Instead of Wondering whether joe paterno is gonna die while you’re doing tire drills, you’d know that Dick Rod. is gonna take care of you no matter what, as long as you run fast. It’s a recruiting edge nobody could match.

No bites

April 15, 2008

Well the first fishing outing of the year ended much like the last one of ’07. Lots of beers drank, a few lures donated to the god of the pond, and zero fish caught. Oh well. The weather sucked, and the expectations were low, the important thing is getting out and trying. Staring at the wind rippled surface of a murky pond, who’s water level was near max. due to recent rains, I felt kinda like the Royals must feel every spring. Pretty well fucked. The good news is, the beer stayed cold, and delicious.

I saw my first episode of Saturday Night Live in about two years. Overall, it was as I thought it would be, shitty. However. There was one skit that may be an all-time top 10. Ashton Kutcher as a strip club MC helping a paralized stripper do her routine. Since she was paralized from the waist down, he did all the work. the best part was the look on the guys in the crowds faces. Complete dismay, except for the one dude who was in to that. This was an “everyman” episode. Anybody who’s ever been to a strip club with less than stellar talent, can relate to this. That ‘not quite sure if you want to laugh or cry at the dancer on stage’ look. You kind of wonder if you’re supposed to have fun, or just walk away. Anyone who’s ever been to a strip club along route 30 knows this dillema. The ‘Wild Cherry’ in Indianapollis stands out to me. This shithole is located between the Indy motor speedway, and a trailer park. Most of the employees sell hot dogs during time trials, and then dance for nickles at night. I’m pretty certain I saw a pregnant chick stripping there. Is there anything more awkward than telling a 52 year old pregnant stripper with emphasyma to leave you alone? Of course not, that’s hillarious. Anybody who has never been to one of these joints needs to go right away. Don’t worry about the other patrons, they’re usually passed out truckers, or a dancers kids. Look for one with a gravel parking lot, or a pager store next door. Instead of the Pink or Purple neon, they’ll have a Miller High Life light up sign, that does not fully operate. You may fear your life, but you’ll laugh your ass off for weeks on end. Plus there is usually a cheap cover, and the beer is still gonna be delicious. This Buds for you shady strip clubs. I’m sure i’ve left out some other fine establishments, so let me know if there is some others I need to check out, to cheer me up on a rainy day.

Mr 2000!!!!!

April 12, 2008

I just got 2000 hits!!!!!!!!! Lets all rejoice, I’ll give you a second to scream in joy.




O.K. that’s enough. I don’t want to get a big head, but I think I’m the next I’m kind of a big deal now. 2000 blog hits not counting the ones from the old site. It’s not the magical 3000 that gets me to the hall of fame, but it’s pretty good, like Barry Larkin. I’d like to thank Anhieser Busch, and hustler magazine for getting me here. Everyone else can kiss my wiener. Except sarah who actually made the blog. All this and i didn’t even have to make a fake headline such as…..

Tim mcCarver Arrested for soliciting a male prostitute.

Well it’s out there now. Moving on.

Is it possible to steal something you already own? Judging from what the cleveland indians just did with Fausto Carmona, the answer is yes. Going into the season unsure whether or not they could re-sign Ace pitcher C.C. Sabathia, the tribe stunned everyone and inked Carmona to a 7 year 43 million $ deal. Sabathia is expected to get upwards of 20 mils a year, and fausto is even better. Compared to what turds like Barry Zito and Carl Pavano have gotten in recent years, the indians stole Carmona, who was still two seasons away from arbitration may be the biggest bargain since nickel beer night. Oh well, as we all know, smart money is on Johnny Cueto. Or another Jose Rijo comeback.

One shining moment

April 9, 2008

No, not the Kansas Jayhawks. The Reds are finally on FSN OH HD!!!!!! Earlier in the day there was some speculation on me masturbating to FSN OH. I previously denied this rumor, but will now have to retract my denial. It’s pretty sweet. Speaking of sweet, tomorow marks the 8 year anniversary of ken Griffey Jr’s first Homer as a Red. Now I know what you’re thinking “he’s always been a red” at heart yes but, officially his first reds homer came on April 9th 2000. Why do I know this? Because that day was the 21st anniversary of my birth. It was the Day I shattered the male 165-200 lb. record for most shots of jagermeister consumed without death. It was also the night I got puked on by a lesbian for the first time. Oh magical memories. Earlier in the day, while still hours away from officially being 21 years old I had several beers bought for me at the reds game, by both friends, and strangers alike. A great day. So great in fact, I plan on getting puked on by another lesbian, and hopefully some weird dude in a cubs hat will buy me a beer tomorow.

Congrats to anyone who won any cash on the NCAA tourney last night. A great game, that I’m still tring to figure out how Memphis lost. You can take comraderie, and sportsmanship, I’ll take games worth betting on any day. The real highlight wasn’t the game itself, but the ‘One Shining Moment’ montage put on by CBS. They pimped that dumb assed clip all night long. At one point they told the victorious Jayhawks team to stick around so they could watch the ‘one Shining Moment’ clip. Yeah we just won the national title, woohoo, that’s what we want a gay assed video montage. Why celebrate with booze and envious coeds, when we can stand here and watch a video montage on the jumbo-tron. Congrats CBS on taking a shitty assed song, and making it even gayer. I don’t know what I hate more, the montage, or the clips for the Masters with the gay piano playing. Watching the masters is all well and good, but the piano ruins it all. It makes you feel like you’re either having brunch at the local elks lodge, or sitting in the waiting room at the urologists office.  Speaking of gay. Is Billy Packer not the biggest dick in the world? That dude hates everything. I’m sure he has to pay for sex, and then complains to the hooker about her performance. Way to go Jim Nance, for spewing out a plethora of cliche sports sayings, just before the buzzer went off. You made me forget bout my blind rage towards billy “butt” Packer.

Enough anger about the end of the College Gambling year. Moving on. In honor of my 29th B-Day, I’ve compiled a special treat for all of you. A tournament-o-champions version of ‘who would you rather bang?’ Composed solely of people born on April 9th. I’ve broken them down into 3 categories. So here we go.

In the ‘maybe if I’m drunk’ Categorie we have two sitcom stars who couldn’t be more different. Anyone remember Keshia Knight Pulliam a.k.a. Rudy Huxtable? well she grew up,_Keshia_Knight/gallery/SGS-025499/   she also developed a couple cosby kids of her own if you know what I mean. Her opponent Cynthia Nixon, made her bones as the uglier chick on Sex in the City (worst show ever). This red headed lesbo can’t be counted out, as she seems to at least be a little flexible. Plus getting puked on by a lesbo is pretty awesome.

In the ‘A boy can Dream’ Category. We have the hotties. First off, the Model citizen. Paulina Porizkova, is from a country nobody cares about, but everyone wants to go to if the women look like this She did the whole Sports Illustrated/Playboy thing, an plus she has both a Z and a V in her last name so she must like hockey. Her Opponent, I’ve never heard of, but is about to be corronated into the 5 famous people I’m allowed to have sex with list. (sorry Queen Latifa, but I gotta make room). Rachel stevens Is a british singer, so she might have diseases fom intravenous drugs, but she makes up for it in looks This could be a bar burner.

In the ‘this would make a good drinkin story’ (for the ladies) category. We have some dudes

Jessie McCartney is likely gay ince his name is Jessie, and he looks like that. vs. Dennis Quaid A ladies favorite, who was once involved with Meg Ryan, until he realized she had no soul. He’s not affraid to shove a firearm down his pants to attract the ladies either vs Hugh Hefner who turns 104 this year. Hef may make you famous, but i’m pretty sure he has been kept alive for so long simply because he has the perfect combination of STD’s, much like Willard Scott

Take your time and think this one through, you can vote in all 3 categories.