I have pink eye

April 30, 2009

Don’t cry for me world, I already have pink eye. So the mystery of what is making me so sick has finally been revealed. Pink Eye. I gotta admit, I was pretty worried it was either swine flu, or super AIDS. Lucky for me it’s neither, just a run of the mill case of pink eye, passed from some kid at my sons daycare, to my son, to me. Hopefully I don’t break the chain, and can pass it on to a whole bunch of people before I get rid of it. So, if I lick your face, it’s in the spirit of giving. I did get a prescription for some eye drops, so that’s pretty sweet. Ah yes Pink eye, the bastard child of all infectious diseases. It’s been lampooned by South Park, and forever linked with Worchestire suace. It’s been wrongly diagnosed by the film ‘Knocked Up’, and now people think it gets passed by farting, or strippers. For those who haven’t had it, it’s pretty awesome. One, or both of your eyes make you look like a pot head, except you also get a little pussy discharge. It feels like something is in your eye, and your throat hurts, and you have a head ache. if you’re super lucky like myself, bright light makes you want to blow your brains out. Hopefully the drops kick in soon, and can get me back to normal.
If nothing else, the mint juleps will set me straight this weekend.

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Draft review

April 30, 2009

It may come as little surprise to anyone who knows me, but I’m gonna go ahead and give the bengals an A on this years draft. Not only did we get the only tackle with real balls, and SEC speed, but we got a beast of a linebacker, with our second pick. The Bengals, are no longer dead to me. I’m even gonna up my prediction for this years win total from 6 to 9. That’s right, our new top ten defense will carry us all the way, to almost the playoff’s.
The Browns on the other hand, seem to still be the Browns. Didn’t they just draft a Center with their #1 pick a few years ago? Didn’t they throw a ton of money at LeCharles Bentley like 3 years ago? Couldn’t they have traded down again and still got that dude? Passing on Crabtree was a huge mistake. It’s only a matter of time before Braylon Edwards leaves, and Dante Stallworth is gonna be occupied for the next 12-15 years, so a receiver would have been a smart move. They did draft one in the second however. OSU’s Brian Robiskie, which is another huge mistake by the Browns. I like Robo, I think he’ll be a solid pro, and comes from good stock. But, isn’t it gonna be a little awkward when they sit down to go over contracts and someone from the Browns has to say “Hey, no hard feelings on that whole “firing your dad” thing, it’s just business”. “And yeah, sorry about making your whole family have to pick up shop, and move to Florida like that, we just wanted to go with Romeo Crennell”. If there’s any justice in this world, Robiskie doesn’t sign until week 4, and is the highest paid 2nd round pick of all time.
Why was there a camera at Brian Hoyer’s house? I understand him not knowing, but does nobody at ESPN know that he’s the worst QB ever? Those turds that Michigan used last year would be better than him if you gave them 4 years to go at it. I started to feel bad for him there at the end. He was actually upset. It’s like he really believed he was gonna get drafted. Todd Boekman had a better shot at getting drafted than Brian Hoyer. The best part is, early on, his girlfriend was sitting right at his side, holding his hand during the early part of the draft on sunday, and by hour 4, she was long gone. Do you think she left to go try and hook up with Javon Ringer?
How long unil some crazy Raiders fan assasinates Al Davis? With the Bengals and Lions looking to move away from their normal draft haplessness, the Raiders seem to be all alone in the WTF department.

Walking!

April 28, 2009

It all started the Friday before Easter. A few steps on his own, walking from mom to dad, all by himself. What was once about 4 feet, turned into a larger distance. Now, we have all out walking. He’s been a little under the weather the last coupe of weeks, (not swine flu) so the progress has been slower than normal, as he has had very little energy, and hasn’t been sleeping well. So, as he turns the corner on his most recent daycare virus, he has regained his energy, and now, Dylan is a walking machine. When I brought him home today, I stood him up next to the couch, and walked over to the counter to set some things down. When I turned around, he was standing behind me. I didn’t even notice he was on the move. The problem is, when he craws, he hauls ass, and you can hear his every move, so you know to be ready. Walking, he’s like a little ninja. You turn around, and he’s right there. Very stealthy, and light on his feet like his old man.
There’s really not any distance in our house he can’t cover by walking. he can change directions, stop, back-up, and pivot. Life has just got a lot more interesting around here. My wife thwarted my attempts to butter our wood floors, to slow the progress of his walking, and now it’s too late. He has it mastered. Oh well, I’ll just have to adapt, and step up my defense.

Do I have swine flu?

April 28, 2009

The past few days have been pretty much a fog for me. Everything was going great. My allergies were clearing up, I was feeling better, my Bengals had knocked the draft right out of the park, and then it hit me. Fever, chills, cold sweats, and dizziness. Sore throat, aches and pains all over, no appetite, trouble swallowing. What the hell is this? Not my allergies back for more, I actually had a fever, and my throat was painfull to the touch. Could it be that I got too excited about the Bengals stealing Rey Mauluga? That Can’t be, it didn’t all go down until sunday afternoon, and I had long since celebrated the Bengals best draft ever. Then I turned on the news. Apparently, all of mankind is going to be stricken with what they are calling “swine flu”. This is going to be the big one they say. It’s gonna wipe us all out. Well, after some quick reading of the symptoms, I’m pretty sure I got it. No vomitting, but that can be arranged. So how did I get the swine flu? I didn’t go to mexico, nor I have even went to Taco bell. I can’t help but wonder if I didn’t pick it up from one of the mexicans working at my local Wendy’s that I visit all the time. They already have documented cases in Ohio, so it was just a matter of time before I got it anyway. I’m gonna fight back though. I’m not gonna just lay down and die, Oh no! I’m a fighter. The plan is to rest, relax, watch baseball, and maybe see if a little of Kentucky’s finest bourbon can’t chase off the swine flu. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to go to the battle stations, and fight this thing on it’s home turf. No, not Mexico, that place is a dirty shit hole, and I’m never going back there. instead, I’m gonna eat as much pork as I can, and try to out-swine the swine flu. Lucky for me we just got a brand new Montgomery Inn down the road from us, so I won’t be in this one alone. In the mean time, pray for the Reds, ever since I said how awesome they were doing, they pretty much have lost every game they’ve played. Maybe I gave them swine flu as well.

Lets go drafting!

April 24, 2009

Ah yes, one of my very favorite times of the year. The NFL draft, is upon us. Where has the time gone? It seemed like yesterday I was trying to figure out just who the hell my Bengals had waisted their picks on, and that was an entire year ago. Now, all i can do is sit and wait for the Bengals to surprise me again.
I’ve given up hope on them drafting my man Beanie Wells, but we can still get some crappier Buckeyes in the later rounds. I’m talking about you Marcus Freeman. Their is still hope though. It’s almost certain they’re taking a tackle in round one, and I’ve made peace with that. They do need a tackle, the only problem is, they need two tackles. Whatever they can do to allow Carson Palmer to make it to week 6 before he gets killed, will be a big help.
I do still have some dreams for my Bengals though, here it is. Percy Harvin. He’s falling off the radar fast, and maybe he can slide all the way to the Bengals in the 2nd rd. Doubtfull, but I can dream. He’s perfect for us. Injury prone, nobody has more guys on the IR every year than the Bengals. Wasting big bucks on guys in street clothes is our gameplan. They say he’s a diva, and I can’t think of a team better suited for a Diva than the bengals. Imagine Percy Harvin, and Chad Ocho Cinco both throwing bithc fits on the sidelines. I’m giddy with excitement over that. He’s clearly one of the stupidest men alive, which makes him a perfect fit for the striped ones. He failed his drug test at the scouting combine, and tested positive for pot. That’s my kinda stupid right there. It’s not like he got kicked out of school, and had to report to the combine at the last minute, and didn’t have time to flush his system. He left early from Florida, he knew months in advance that he was going to have to take a drug test, and he still failed it. He’s the perfect fit. I can deal with the pot thing, although it only helps his cause as a Bengal. To fail the drug test for pot of all things, takes an incredible kind of stupid. It’d be different if they found some new type of performance enhancer, that he thought would go un-detected, but pot? Way to go buddy, I can’t wait to see how you blow your signing bonus. Now, he’s going to have to start his career on the NFL’s substance abuse program, which means one missed, or failed test, and he’s suspended for four games, another reason he should be a Bengal. We have guys suspended all the time. I don’t think Percy has what it takes to be an NFL teams lead fuck-up, but with a little guidance from guys like Chris Henry, Johnathon Joseph, and Tank johnson, he can grow in to a total shithead in no time at all. So here’s to dreaming about all things NFL draft. We may not get anyone good, and we may draft a ton of “bargain” guys, but if we can get just one more shithead in this draft, I’ll be happy.

As for the Lions, come on guys, don’t draft Stafford. Just take the Tackle, and play it safe. You’ll have your choice of QB next season. Mathew Stafford is the white Jamarcus Russell. The dude is going to be a huge bust. I’m sure by me saying it, he’s gonna be an All-Pro, but I just don’t see how a guy who flops in big games, and gets ate up by pressure is gonna make it in Detroit. The one sure thing at the top, is Michael Crabtree. Who says the Lions can’t take another receiver? It’d be fun! It would be the perfect way to get closure on the whole Matt Millen era.
Cleveland, I can only wait and see what crazy moves you guys try and pull off this year. I do think dirty Sanchez is the real deal, as long as he goes to the right team, and can sit for a season.
As for the rest of the draft, we can only wait. It’s gonna be a good one.

Don’t look now…

April 23, 2009

Just as my dream of seeing the Blue Jackets not totally blow in the playoff’s dies, a new hope is rising from the ashes. In case you missed it, the Cincinnati Reds are actually playing well. Yeah, it’s way early in the season, and the weather hasn’t even gotten hot yet, but come on, the Red’s are 9-6 people. 3 games over .500 for the first time in what I beileve is 73 years. They just had their longest road trip of the season, and went 7-2. Can you believe this? Their staff shut down the cubs in back to back games, surely this means we’re gonna win it all. It has to. Jesus owes me that, after allowing myself to get all excited about playoff Hockey in Columbus, only to get blown out of the rink, night in, and night out. It looks like our lord and savior is trying to square things up with me now though, as the Reds are rollin’! Well, I accept his apology, and look forward to a long season of Reds dominance.
Seriously though, this Joey Votto kid is a beast. I’m going to go all out and declare him to be the best thing to come out of Canada since the Crash Test Dummies, and the combo meal with a donut on the side. Can you believe it? My new favorite red is a Canuck? Even if he completely fizzles out, watching him completely own the Cubs is as good as it gets. Any time someone sends Zambrano to the bench in an angry rage, it’s a good day.
The other night, I actually said to my wife, “I think the Reds might actually be good”. We’ll see. It’s a long season, and I don’t want to make any crazy predictions, but from what I have seen so far, anything short of getting swept in the world series will be a huge dissapointment.

Congrats to the Blue Jackets. First taste of the post season was a bitter taste, but a great year none the less. The better team won, and my preseason prediction of either Detroit or Anahiem winning it all could still hold up. Boston isn’t messing around, but they are yet to be tested. The Jackets played awesome in game 4, trying to win just one, and fell short. It would have been nice to win 1 damned game, but it just wasn’t in the cards this year. It does hurt a little extra, that we lost it on a power play goal, because of too many men on the ice, with the last guy trying to get off, 5 feet from the boards, and a dickhead ref standing in front of the door. Next time, put the ref into the bench, and play on. So here’s to you Detroit Red Wings, you mother fuckers.

It’s rally time people

April 21, 2009

O.k. this is it. If the Jackets don’t win tonight, I’m going into emergency hair-cut mode. I’m beginning to run out of ideas as to how I, personally can get them a victory over the Wings, and have even considered that the outcome of the game may depend on what happens on the ice, and not in my head. I know, it sounds crazy, but there is that slight chance that I have no actual control. Just to be safe, I have gotten myself a large supply of canadian beer, and am going to wear a red shirt. This way, I will not only harness any good hockey mojo for my Jackets, but also send bad vibes to the Redwings. We’ll see how it works out. I am a little down about not being able to score tickets to the first ever playoff game at nationwide arena. That place is going to be insane, and I wish I was there. I tried pulling every string I could think of, and even offerred to do some things I am not proud of, but fell short. Oh well, I can watch in HD, and flip to the Reds game if it gets ugly again. I do hoope any Jackets fan out there is ready to swallow their pride, and take one for the team. If you are in the arena, and you see someone pulling an octopus out of their pants, getting ready to throw it on the ice, you have to take them out. If a fight starts, thousands of right minded Ohioans will have your back. Finally, if you are a fish market in Columbus, and you sell someone an octopus today, you should be shot.
Let’s go Jackets!

Not that we need any more reason to look forward to summer, but this year’s movie lineup is top notch. I try to not actually see any movies at the theatre unless I absolutely have to.  But, even I can look forward to seeing some of these movies when they come out, even if it is just on DVD.

With hopes to make up for that turd of a movie that was the last Terminator movie, the Terminator series is giving it another shot. This time with Christian bale of ‘Batman’ and violent fits fame playing the role formerly played by Eddie Furlong in part 2, and the long lost Boone brother from part 3. I really am holding out hope that this time, the terminator finally wins. That would be the better ending, as the Movie is called Terminator, and not stupid white guy who yells at people, or does coke. I might actually pay money to see this one, even if Christian bale, whom I actually do like wins, but I would love to see the terminators win. they’re due. Check it out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puAxrOTqtr4&feature=related 

Another must see, which is one I had no idea was even coming out, but it looks like it might be awesome. It’s called Public Enemies, and is not about the ole rap group, but old timey gangsters such as john Dillinger, played by Johnny Depp. Christian Bale is also in this movie, proving my theory that he is actually just Kevin Bacon in disguise, and will be in all movies from now on. This movie looks like it could be a winner http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BawY4gjAdM as long as it meets two conditions. First, they can’t make it a stupid love story, but should still show some boob, just for safe measure. Second, and most importantly, they need to devote a good deal of the movie to when john Dillinger was captured, and held in the Lima OH jail. They should also throw in some scenes of him eating at the Kewpee, and maybe killing the lady at the counter for giving him soggy fries. If they stick to my gameplan, it’ll gross an easy billion dollars.

Finally, the absolute belle of this years summer movie ball, is the new Transformers movie. When the first one came out, I was pretty pissed that anyone would be stupid enough to make a transformers movie, and ruin my childhood memories of Optimus Prime, but then I saw it, and realized it was mankinds greatest accomplishment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmgbbGJW6ZE This could very easily be the best movie ever made, and maybe even the whole reason man was put on this earth. Now, if they just show Megan Fox naked http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lJJOA4gU2U I will get a Transformers tattoo. As it will be the greatest moment in history.

There are some movies they are not making, or releasing this summer. Much to my dismay, there were no takers for the script I produced for the movie Total Recall 2: Revenge of the three boobed chick, nor were there any takers for my script of the remake to ‘Goonies’ which kinda breaks my heart. Those were two solid scripts. Sure, they were only 4 pages long, and a little heavy on the nudity, and cursing, but I think the public deserves for those movies to be made.

Well…that happened

April 16, 2009

I got to say, the Blue Jackets Playoff debut at least turned out better than the last time one of my teams made the playoff’s. It still sucked, but at least our star player didn’t get dragged away on a golf cart after two plays, and no players tried to punch a coach. I’m writing this one up as either a tie, or a moral victory. Not sure which one just yet.
If you watch or listen to any hockey talk, you would have known that the Wings were going to try and get the Jackets to react to their style, as opposed to playing their own game, and that’s pretty much exactly what happened. Oh well, it”s a 7 game series, and I’m not shaving or cutting my hair just yet.

I do however, either need the Jackets to start stepping up, or get into shape, really quickly. In my excitement for Playoff hockey coming to Columbus, I did what I try to never do, and that is bet on my team. This time, I thought I would mix it up. I did not bet actual currency. Instead, I allowed myself to get talked into one of those “crazy” bets you hear people on morning FM radio doing. The bet is, the loser has to mow the others yard, on a day of the winners choice, in an outfit of the winners choice. I thought this would be a fun way for two friends to spice up a playoff match, that most of the outside world dosn’t even know is going on. I thought, sure, why not, there will be beer either way. Even if I lose, I’ll be drinking someone else’s beer, and if I win, I get someone else to mow my yard (and I will not clean up dog crap for about 3 weeks beforehand if I do win). It’s a win-win situation either way. Right. Well, as my team was getting their ass handed to them on a frozen puck, I realized something. My friend knows chicks who work at Hooter’s, and his one neighbor’s kid will be having a graduation party this year. This might be bad for me. The best case scenario, is that he makes me mow his yard in a Michigan football jersey, and that just can’t happen. We need to pull this one off boy’s. As much as I always wondered what I would look like in a Hooters waitress outfit (and who hasn’t), I have no desire to let large groups of strangers see my in all my spandex glory. Those poor little orange shorts don’t stand a chance. Perhaps an even worse scenario, is if I like how I look, and start my own tranny landscaping company, that idea might actually take off.
The only choices I have to save my dignity, my career, and maybe even my marriage, are as follows:
1. Kill my friend, ensuring that this bet can’t ever be paid off.
2. Make it so I look pretty damned awesome in that hooters outfit, and mow that grass with my head held high. With the right footwear, I can pull that look off, no problem.
3. Some how, some way, will the Jackets on to victory. I already have gone months without cutting my hair, I haven’t shaved since Tuesday, and I have a brand new Margaritaville frozen concoction maker to use to invent a good luck hockey drink. What else can I do?

God, if you’re out there, and you’re not too busy, please throw me a bone on this one. Seeing my friend push around my mower, while wearing a waaaay too small Ohio State cheerleader’s uniform, and stepping in dog shit, would be so awesome. I need this one buddy. I really do.

O.k., my cell phone, seems to be no more. I remember it existing, I use it every day, many times until the battery goes dead. I did at one point have a cell phone, I know that much. I even remember the last call I received on it. It was for work, really early in the morning, and I answered it against my better judgement. It was last seen in the hands of a one year old boy, who was crawling away with it at high speeds. This combination has caused problems in the past. Recently, after looking everywhere for my phone, I found it stuffed inside my sons walker toy. I thought I had learned my lesson, but when my son sees me talking on it, he wants to play with it too, and I am a softy. Plus, the cell phone makes a great baby sitter, for up to 5 minutes. Another downfall to this combination, is that my son has started experimenting with opening the drawer to the trash can in our kitchen, and throwing stuff in it, and laughing. So yeah, it’s my fault, but my phone is a goner.
I’ve looked everywhere inside this house, at least 3 times, and I mean everywhere. I basically missed a half day of work searching my entire house, including the areas it could never possibly be, such as inside jars, and the tank of the toilet. Somehow, some way, my phone stopped existing. After checking, double checking, and then triple checking every spot inside my house, my vehicle, and the path from house to vehicle, I gave up. There could only be three spots my phone found it’s way into. The kitchen trash can, which I kinda checked, but it was nasty, and if it did end up there, it’s dead to me now anyway. The other options are terrorists broke in and stole it while I was in the shower, or it’s inside of a very large, smelly, asshole of a dog. If anyone wants to sift through dog droppings for my phone, I’ll make them margarita’s and watch. In the mean time, I’ve decided to ground my son. He also decided to wake up an hour earlier than he does almost every other day, which was great since I was up past 1 a.m. doing paperwork. So yeah, he’s grounded now. He may not be old enough to know it, or know what a grounding is for that matter, but it makes me feel better.
The only bright spot, is I never got rid of my old phone, so I was able to get that re-activated, and am back in business. Sure, I might have missed a few calls, but who gives a shit? So if you have changed your cell phone number in the last year or so, please give me a call, so I can get your new number again. In the mean time, everyone keep there eyes open for a black and silver Motorola cell phone, that rings a lot.
This can’t be a good sign. I got that phone in between last Hockey season, and this season, and with my Jackets just one day away from their first ever playoff game, it can’t be a good sign. What if that phone was what turned this franchise around? What if this old phone dooms us? Does this cancel out my playoff afro? Just to be safe, I’ve decided to not shave until either all hope is lost, or we win it all. Sure I may not be able to grow an “actual” beard, but I can come on strong in a few areas. Maybe I can start a new fad with the long, multi colored patchy beard. That’ll look professional right? So if the Jackets can’t get it done, don’t blame the guy with the bare spots in his beard, and the really old cell phone. he’s doing the best he can.

On another note: Has anyone ever fertilized the crap out of their yard, decided to not mow it when it was borderline ready to mow, gone out of town for three days, only to have it rain for the next four days upon their return? If so, I could use some pointers on how to mow really tall, thick, wet grass. This could be a great time to open a petting zoo in the back yard.