So moving away from the whole shark asshole thing. Yesterday, I again had to go back to this job site in the middle of nowhere. I was a little tired from being up all night enjoying shark week, and pissing off the science committee. I had to turn to about 5 cups of coffee before I headed out. About 2 miles off the highway, I thought I may be in trouble. As I got further away from civilization, I realized I had no choice but to keep on trucking towards my destination, hoping they still had a port-o-shitter. They did not. Nor was I the only person there. Lucky for me, this little corner of hell was filled with cornfields, and I follow my own advice, to always have a bunch of napkins. So yeah, I crapped in a cornfield, and people saw me go in, and out, but it was all good. I highly recommend it.

I also had some great news when I got home. I saw a letter from my doctor in the mailbox. This had to be the results of the poison ivy blood test. I was negative on a whole bunch of tests they had ran, which ironically means good. There was a whole second section of tests they also ran. It was tests for like 4 types of Hepatitis. I thought my doc was concerned about something, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. His hand was revealed. I’ve been looking online at reason’s why hepatitis would cause backlashes ith poison ivy. There is none. All I can think of, is that I must just look like a dude with hepatitis. Not sure what aspect it is, but it’s there. You know how you can look at a chick, and guess when she’s got PMS. Maybe it works with hepatitis as well. I always thought that If I looked like I had an STD, it would be crabs. Fortunately, my doctor has no eye for these things, as he went to northwestern, and sucks, and I don’t have any of the Hep’s I was tested for. Negative is a good thing.

So I thought the best way to move away from the whole hepatitis/shark thing, with another round of who would you rather bang. Lately, I’ve been making it way too easy on everyone. The options have all been great, which sucks. It’s time to test everyone’s metal. No more win, win scenarios here. back to what got us here.

Hillary Clinton vs. Blanche from the golden girls.

Our first challenger, has been called a lot of things in her days. Hottie is not one of them. Despite this, she still presses on. she married young, in the peak of her youth http://www.moonbattery.com/bill-hillary-clinton.jpg Refusing to just be some trophy wife  http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b323/patfish/political%20tidbits/billandhill.jpg  she pressed on. Eventually, she would become a mother, and learned to defend her nest by attacking any other females who encroached on her territory. http://images.pictopia.com.edgesuite.net/perl/get_image?size=520_art&provider_id=38&ptp_photo_id=1000483 Her marriage has seen some rough time’s, and she may not ever get to be president, but damn it she presses on. Always remembering to put on her best face, and light up the room. http://media.photobucket.com/image/hillary%20clinton/foxxmarc/clinton/hillary.jpg?o=18 

her opponent, is a seasoned veteran herself. Rue mcClanahan, or Blanche, as she likes to be called, may be a little past her prime, but like a fine wine, she gets better with age. http://www.imdb.com/media/rm121805568/nm0001516 She’s got a pretty solid background, and is rumored to be a bit of a wildcat. She’s also been known to be a bit of a cougar http://www.theatermania.com/news/images/10534b.jpg so watch out.

I go back on what I said earlier. these are two fine choices, and I’m sure everyone who votes on this will lose hours of sleep debating which of these gems they’d want to take home to mama. So take your time, don’t rush into anything, and god speed.

Yes!

July 30, 2008

O.K. I was going to blog about all kinds of cool stuff tonight. I had some decent stories, that I was looking forward to sharing with all of you. I even called one person to tell them the news. I rushed home, thinking I would jabble down some crap, and we’d all have a good time. That’s all on hold. I log on, only to find out, that the Marine Biologist’s guild of america is now pissed at me. Apparently, me telling a bunch of midwesterners that sharks are going to eat them, has dissrupted the delicate balance of life in our oceans. Apparently, the lobster tank at the Red Lobster by my house dosn’t count as an “aquarium”. Apparently Joey Lawrence, ruled the set of Blossom. Since this apparently is such a hot button issue, I thought I’d leave it simmer for another day. We’re getting close to 200 hits on the whole shark blog thing. I want to let my retard army have their full say in this matter. Beside’s, only one person can decide who’s right on the whole sharks thing, between myself, and the science club, and that person is Clay Aiken. This marks the first time in our short history, where, either myself, or any of the loyals has pissed off a total stranger to the point, they had to let us know about it. Personally, I’m more than a little dissapointed. Not that our little world of idoacy has been stumbled upon by outsider’s. I welcome that, keep it coming. What has me upset, is that it has taken this long. Tonight, as we prepared dinner, we talked about this matter. Last winter when I started this whole trip, I set the over under for an event like this at 4 days. I guess I just don’t have it anymore. had I known sharks were so well thought of, I would have brought this up months ago. So yeah, I got yelled at by some total strangers on the internet, sweet. To top it all off, a total stranger, called me a “fat white kid” on the internet. I have to rank this as the 8th best moment of my life. Right between winning that pie eating contest, and walking in on two of my best friends passed out spooning. So I’ll hold off on the next WWYRB series, the story about having to take an emergency poop in a cornfield in Mt. Sterling OH, and the results of my blood test, for tomorow. how’s that for a cliffhanger? Instead, I invite everyone to hit the message board, and choose a side. Sharks vs jackasses. them vs. Us. I’d also like to take a minute to thank all the haters out there, for brightening up my day. knowing that out there, i got somebody mad enough that they had to log on and tell me what a disservice I am doing, makes it all worthwhile. Apparently sharks aren’t just after peel and eat shrimp, and chicks in bikinis. I also would like to thank the random people who stood up for me. God Bless us everyone. Except the sharks, and people named gary. neither should be trusted. Oh yeah, six all the way, even though she reminds me of Rachel Ray.

Shark Week

July 29, 2008

It has arrived! One of my favorite weeks of the year. Right up there with Capital One Bowl week, and the first round of the NCAA tourney. Shark week comes but once a year, but is looked forward to year round. I’m talking about the Discovery Channels award winning shark week. When all the prime time, and some of the regular programming is all about sharks, shark attacks, and the inbread hicks they try to eat. Every year they throw in some quality new shark programming, mixed in with shark shows I’ve seen like 9 times. They still hook me, every time. If you,re like me, you spend 58 minutes waiting for the smelly australian/british/canadian dude to get eaten by a shark, right on camera, and then are dissapointed when he escapes, and then you do the same when they re-run the program. Of course, the Discovery Channel does the world a great dis-service. They try and tell us that sharks have more to fear from us, than we do of them, that you are unlikely to be attacked, and that they are “endangered”. This is all lies, and I thought I’d take a minute to debunk these myth’s. No matter what the Mythbusters, the dirty Jobs guy, or any of the other Discovery Lackies tell you, sharks will try and eat you. If they haven’t  yet, it’s because they haven’t had enough chances. I’m no marine biologist, but I do go to the ocean every few years, and I shower, which makes me better than a marine biologist hippie any day. Plus, In High School, I made fun of both the Marine recruiter guy, and my biology teacher. I think my credentials speak for themself. So here are some truth’s about sharks, that will help you do all the cool things in the water, that we as the supreme beings of the planet should be able to do without fear of having our weiners bitten off.

You may be saying to yourself, “this asshole has never even seen a shark”. First, you are wrong. I have not only seen every shark week since I was like 12, but I’ve seen a bunch at the aquarium, and I have also survived a shark attack. I was at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, when they had a great white shark in captivity. I said all along, “that fuckers gonna eat those other fish”. I was right. I just saw a program last night about this shark, and they had to let him go, because he/she ate some other fish, including other sharks. Who could blame it, they looked delicious. If this shark wasn’t “dangerous”, then why was there one guy in a shark suit washing the inside of the tank, and another guy with a spear? As mentioned,  I am a shark attack survivor. Here is my story. It was July 2005, in the shark attack capital of the world. Myrtle beach South Carolina. Every year thousand of visitors flock to this part of the world. Somewhere between zero and 10,000 of them are eaten by sharks. I was almost one of them. Lucky for me, I have cat like reflexes, and was able to knock some small children into harms way, between the shark and myself. I was wading out, the next wave was to be the first one to get my balls wet, thus making me acclimated to the water. As I turned to minimalize the shrinkage, I saw the two fins just inches away from me. they were only a couple feet apart, meaning the shark was like 3 or 4 feet long. I hauled ass. i made it to the shore before the previous wave had gotten there. Had an NFL scout been there with a stopwatch, I would have made millions, and then been in the same conversation as David Klingler, Todd marinovich, and Mark McQuire’s brother, as the worst draft picks ever. I never yelled shark, or tryed to save anyone else. Like i said, I hauled ass. It’s every man for himself. He may not have been able to eat me in one sitting, but he could have taken a few decent bites out of me, thus making me embarrassed to wear shorts. As a supple mid twenty something white boy, I clearly looked delicious. besides, big sharks don’t get big by dieting. The good news is I never got eaten, and I did create a mass panic. As far as you could see in either direction, the water was empty, crowds lined up at the edge of the beach, looking for the shark. he swam by a few more times, so other people actually saw him as well. I can’t help but think he was in cahoots with the playboy stealing black bear who attacked me when I was 7. Later that afternoon, since nobody could swim, I was hanging at the bar accross the street. I overheard the lifegaurds making fun of “the fat white kid’ who ran away from the baby shark. Well I got news for them. I’m still here, and when they sit in that gay chair, with their gay red shorts on, everyone, including the sharks can see their balls.

First, sharks should not be “protected”. There’s no liberal douche sharks trying to convince the other sharks not to eat you, so don’t try and convince me to save them. They are not endangered. There’s 52 weeks in a year. Only one is shark week, but yet we have no problem filling an entire slate of episodes with shark footage. If they were “endangered” there’d be at least one show during shark week, of guys just looking for sharks, finally saying “damn, theres no sharks here” and giving up. They always show up, just give them time. Plus, sharks and humans are in competition for the same two things. Chicks and bikini’s, and peel and eat shrimp. We have the Sun Tan oil, and the Cocktail sauce. Advantage us.

They also say, the odds are against you getting eaten by a shark. This is also wrong. You can only get eaten once, so nobody can apologize for giving you bad info, if you do. If you are white, your odds go way up. You never see anybody but white people getting attacked on the shows during shark week. There is the one show about the brazilian people who all got attacked, but some brazilian people are white, and they all smell like dead fish. If you are white, and in the ocean, sooner or later it’s gonna happen.

They also say “we don’t have sharks here”. Wrong. Theres a good chance theres a store selling shark tooth necklaces within a couple hundred yards. Those teeth had to come from somewhere, and this time it isn’t china.

They say, there is no “sensible” reason to pack heat while swimming in the ocean. Carrying a gun at the beach is essential. Not just to your survival, but it also helps protect your lawn chairs and beer cooler. I recommend firing a few warning shots in the water every few minutes. This lets the sharks know you mean business, so bring extra bullets. Just to be safe, carry at least two guns. When I was at the aquarium, I couldn’t help but notice a lot of the sharks had double weiners. this means you will need to shoot them twice. It’s best to go into the water dressed like Dog the Bounty Hunter. Even if they are attracted to your permed blonde mullet, they’ll be so engrossed by the fat blonde chick with the 5 gallon boobs that follows you around, you’ll have extra time to line up a good shot. If you don’t have access to a gun, or are a convicted felon, stay out of the water. If that won’t work, I recommend a hockey stick with a nail in it. You may not be able to take it on a plane, so just bring a hockey stick, some nails, and a hammer, and build it on the beach. Nobody ever messes with the dude with the hockey stick with a nail in it.

“Hitting a shark in the nose, or eye is the best way to fend them off if you are attacked” Wrong again. Clearly the gun or the hockey stick with a nail in it, is your safest bet. Shooting, stabbing, or punching the shark in the nose will just piss them off. I may not have two weiners, like the sharks do. If I did, as soon as something happened to the first weiner, all I’d care about is saving the backup weiner. Going at one of the weiners is your best bet. Obviously, taking out both at once is ideal. If it’s a chick shark, you may be in for trouble. Your best bet is to punch it in the shark boob. I’ve seen a good deal of female bar fights, and outside of random slapping, hair pulling, and headlocks, the boob punch is the go to move.

Keep these simple tips in mind next time you go near the water. Remember that nowadays, everyone has a camera phone or video camera, so if you do get attacked, take comfort that someday I will be on my couch drinking beer watching you get eaten on the discovery channel, saying I told you so.

Big Ten Preview

July 26, 2008

So i thought I’d give the old prediction thing a little shot in the pants. Here is my composite list of how the Big Ten teams will all fare this coming season. If you’re like me, and don’t get the Big Ten Network, only a few games are gonna stand out. Like all years though, it’s those crucial mid-season games nobody watches that will decide who plays in the alamo bowl, and who plays directional michigan in the GMAC Bowl. So here it goes, in no particular order, except semi-alphabetically.

Illinois – A lot of people are picking Illinois to finish near the top in the standings. Since the Big Ten sucks, thats like a bronze at the special olympics, and should only be a goal if Ron Zook is your coach, which he is. Last season, Missouri owned Illinois in Champaign. A few late scores made it seem close, but I expect the same result of the fighting whatever they’re called now. A few crowd pleasing wins over the bottom feeders of the league will make everyone happy, but most of the Big names in the laeague get illinois at home. Again, the defining moment of their season should be a home game against the buckeyes. Will we see the Juice williams of OSU games past, or the Juice wiliams of every other game he’s played in? Will the OSU defense actually be able to tackle? Will losing their best player on offense, and defense be a setback for Illinois? My guess, is Tressel, and his boys won’t be looking past the illini, at the wolverines, a third straight year. Depending on how PSU, and UM go at them early on, this could be a 2-3 start for zookers hookers.  CT’s pick: 8-4, have fun in san antonio boys.

Indiana – This team still sucks. Unless Isiah Thomas is coming back to kick field goals, and slap cheerleaders, this could be a boring year for the hoosiers. They do have a cake walk schedule, which could help pile on some wins. Going by my, no BCS school should ever lose to a mid-major rule, they should scrounge up some wins. Their toughest game will be a trouncing at home to wisconsin. The final home game against Purdue should determine whether they finish 6-6 or 7-5. Since everyone who wins 6 games goes to a bowl now, it won’t really matter unless your name is randle el, or you are a fan of really big drums.

Iowa – Who really cares. Ever since they robbed the raiders first rd. pick with that Kyle Turley wanna be Left Tackle, who now is the back-up punter in Oakland. Iowa has been a dissapointment, even though there coach keeps getting mentioned for NFL jobs. Off season sexual assault charges may not help the hawkeyes. A few preseason games should pad a few wins on though, but it’s going to be tough sailing for a team with few proven weapons. CT’s Pick: 4-8 ouch, better hope thew corn crops good this year.

This year is gonna be about a lot more than total wins for the wolverines. They have a long streak of winning season’s and Dick Rod dosn’t want to see it end in year one. The biggest thing for them is to play as many young guys as possible, this will decide how quickly they get back to the top of the heap. Depending on how quickly this team picks up the run-spread offense, Red Wings season may have to come early. The press has been tough on these guys, but if they can pull a win out against the irish, this team should still finish with as many as nine wins. Ct’s pick: a surprising 9-3

Michigan State: The addition of Mark Dantonio, seemed to do away with that defining moment of collapsing, the spartans provided football fans with in years past. They lost a stud running back, and receiver, but return the league yards per carry leader. A QB that at times was solid, and at times a flaming bag of dog shit, mixed with a defense that lacks consistency, leaves this team as an anomally. I’ve seen them picked as high as second in the league. Until they can prove they can win the tough games, they’re still a basketball school, with a football problem. The opener at Cal, should be the indiaction as to how they’re gonna step to the line, the rest of the year. CT’s Pick: 7-5

Minnesota. I feel like I should punch myself in the groin for even wasting time on this team. Unless they can talk adrien peterson into wearing a tinted visor and pretending he’s a walk-on, this is going to be a long year for the gophers. They may win a league game, but I can’t tell you who that would be against just yet. The problem, is they may also lose a pre-season game.  Picking this teams wins is like bobbing for turds. I see no reason this college should still exsist.  CT’s Pick: 3-9

Northwestern. Despite being on a dry campus, they have a football team. They play in a really big High School stadium, with ushers who like to steal captain morgan bottles from OSU fans. If there offense can get it together, they can score some points. Defensively, they have two asian players who find themselves on the two-deep. Which, is a lot like a bride having two fat chicks in the wedding party. It weighs down the whole team, and makes everyone wish they had just went to the bars instead of the reception. In the end, someone always hooks up with the wilder of the two fatties, and that’s gonna be the case here. Depending how the season opener against syracuse goes, this team could still rack up some points, and some wins. CT’s pick: 8-4?????

THE Ohio State University: The class of the league. After two scrimmages against the J.V. teams, they get as big of a test as any. A road night game against the men of Troy, USC. This game means everything. The winner should be a clear cut favorite to find themselves in the BCS final game. Tressel and his boys have a lot to prove here, with 9 starters back on each side of the ball, and flashy terrell Pryor looking to mix things up a bit. Going into the season last year, Lawrence Wilson was the top DE. After a broken leg in the opoener, he isn’t even considered as a returning starter. Even with a good showing and a loss in Cali, they still have a chance, but need some help around the nation. I don’t see too many people voting them over 1 loss teams from the SEC. Uncertainty In Ann Arbor, and New QB’s on strong wisconsin, and PSU teams bodes well for Buckeye nation. Outside of going to the west coast to take on the condoms, the schedule is set up for Buckeye Glory. Plus, I met the recievers coach, and he assured me of greatness. A win at USC, and the bucks are a beer truck running downhill to Miami. CT’s Pick: Running the table! 13-0.  Post championship snacks and punch at my house!

Penn State: A week Big Ten, could justify keeping Joe Paterno plugged in to the life support. Key Matchups against Michigan, Wisconsin, and Illinois could be the difference between replacing Paterno with a 3 year coach, and an outback bowl. How the new QB performs in the clutch is everything to this team, as they’re gonna get the wins off the bottom feeders. I see losses in at least 2 of 3 against wisconsin, Illinois, and Michigan. A Preseason home game with Oregon State, should be the deciding factor. CT’s Pick: 8-4 Just don’t see it any other way.

Purdue. Preseason games against Oregon, and at Notre Dame, are going to be the key for this team to make it to .500. i don’t see it happening. Though they may score some points with the spread, and have a few guys drafted on D, this is not s strong team. Unless bob Sanders has some eligibillity left, they’re gonna give up more than they put up, more times than not. Unless they pull off at least one of the preseason upsets, and one or two league upset’s, they are gonna be some where above minnesota and Iowa. An emotional last home game for Joe Tiller against the hoosiers, will be the deciding factor. CT’s Pick: 5-7

Wisconsin. The Badgers have a lot to offer, and a lot of unkowns. Again, a down league should really pad on the wins, and I have them as my 2nd place team. A week preseason schedule, and all the tough league games other than Michigan at home, means the paint thinner will be flowing in Madison this year. They finish the year against Cal Poly, and fortunately for them it’s not in baseball. A new QB is never a good thing, but the support pieces are their. Depending on how many skill position players beat up their girlfriends, they could be headed to the rose bowl, against a rather pissed off USC squad. This game could be another sour finish in Pasadena for the Big Ten. Fortunately for all, the Buckeyes will take full advantage of a re-match with the gators. James Laurianitis will force Tim Tebow to drink someone else’s pee, and the Big Ten will finish on a high note. CT’s Pick: 11-1

All in all. it’s a mixed year for the Big Ten. A lot of week teams, and a couple of couple of the regular powerhouse’s at the top. The key will be for UM to adapt to Dick Rod’s scheme as quickly as possible. The faster they get back on top, the better for the whole league. Penn State, and Purdue, are really letting folks down. With Coaching changes on the horizon, they need to spend big money on a big name coach, and add some parody to the league. Instead they’re ushering in guys picked by the current staff, and that’s a shame. The SEC is the dominant confrence, not because of speed, or depth. All Big programs have guys who run 4.3-4.5 at the skill position, and send several guys on both sides into the NFL each year. The difference isn’t talent, the differences are soo slim athletically across the country, and can easilly be accounted for by brains, confidence, and a good scheme. The real difference is the Coaching. No matter how much I knock Dick Rod, Michigan was wise to bring him in, and the league will be better for it. The SEC has four coaches that have won National title’s, and Tommy Tuberville who led a a BCS school to an undefeated year. Outside of Vanderbilt, and kentucky, each school has a well respected coach, and they all pull in at least 1.5 mills. Don’t expect anything to change, unless the guys who run the programs start to change. Continued success for Brett bilemma, and Ron Zook are what this league needs, and a little help from Iowa, Penn State, and Purdue. The good news is, we can drink those southern dandies under the table any day. And we have indoor plumbing, so I’m calling it a wash.

Chris has AIDS?

July 25, 2008

So remember my rants about the Poison Ivy? Well I’ve been keeping a little secret from all of you. It’s back. In fact it was back two days after, the first prescription ran out. Then I got more roids. Then it came back again. It’s back all over, in full force. I called the doctor, trying to get more steroids, and he must have thought I was just some junkie trying to get a score. This pisses me off, since i already had to pay the insurance co-pay once. Pay the co-pay on two prescriptions of steroids, plus like thirty some dollars worth of calomine, and endless ammounts of supositories. This is getting to be the most expensive case of poison ivy of all time. Seeing as how it’s the same problem I went in for the first time, why should I pay again. At my work, we get paid to do it once. If we fuck up, it’s on us. If i pay someone to mow my yard, and he leaves part way through, I don’t pay him again to come back and finish. So anywhoo, The Doc was pretty surprised to find the Ivy had defeated his girlie steroids. In fact, I threw him completely off hs game, he was flustered, and left the room for a period of time. Either to get high, or consult webMD.com. When he returned, he said he was going to beef up the steroids. I got a new prescription, but decided to take matters into my own hands, and buy some High performance steroids off the internet, from this sweet assed North Korean online pharmacy. Thanks Al Gore! I also did some internet sleuthing. Apparently the side effects from prolonged use of the type of steroids I’ve been using, has some side effects. They include, Jitteriness, Insomnia, Headaches, and bloating. Check, Check, Check, and double check. Although I’ve had all those symptons my entire life, it’s good to have an excuse. He also decided, that since my poison ivy, has lasted more than twice what all the medical experts say it should last, and seems to be resistant to all he can throw at it, there may be some other issues going on. Mainly with my imune system. He said he was most concerned about my Kidney function (no biggie, Baby Jesus gave me two of those), and my Liver (OH Fuck). So After he gave me my prescription, the nurse (not Hot) came in, and drew some blood. She took 3 big viles of blood, and said they’d get back to me with the results. Other than the sweet buzz from losing a pint of blood, it was a waisted trip. On a side note. Despite drinking several gallons of Lime flavored Bud Light, Bourbon, and a lot of fried food, and pork. I’m 5 pounds lighter than I was 4 weeks ago. So when I got home, I did some internet research, on why my body no longer can fight off the most harmless of infections. I’m not a doctor, but I did used to tell girls at bars I was in med school, which had mixed results. However, this fake medical career has taught me how to diagnose all sorts of shit. It’s down to 3 finalists. Menopause, Diabetes, and AIDS. Theres still the off chance I just have the worst case of poison ivy of all time, but the smart money is on AIDS. In which case, I really need to get a hold of my Middle school gym teacher, so he can get tested too. The good news is, I have that sweet band-aid on the elbow pit, you get when you give blood. I’m going to shower with my arm in a garbage sack, just to keep the band-aid in pristine condition, and then make everyone think I donated blood for a good cause. Surely someone will buy me a beer then. In the mean time, try and raise as much money as possible to help my cause. I’m not gonna pretend I’ll put it to a good cause, or use it for medical care. I’ll blow it all on beer, combos, and Indiana Jones Hats, but hey. I deserve to go all out. I may have AIDS. My name is Chris, and I’m a survivor.

On another note. I’ll be starting a college football preview soon. And, of course bringing back another fun filled round of the who would you rather bang game.

Great Scott!

July 24, 2008

So this morning, I had to go and do a favor for my boss. Apparently I was going to meet up with one of his friends, an old guy, at the house of another of his friends (old), who’s husband had recently passed away. Apparently this lady trusts nobody, so there was two other guys from her church (both old) and old dude number ones even older looking wife. Extended periods of time around old people has caused my ears to bleed in the past. I knew this was going to be a shitty morning. I pulled up a few minutes early, just before the crack of 8. Since they are old, they had all been up for about 5 hours, and were cranky, as I was making them late for lunch at Bob Evans. I introduced myself, using my real name, and then pretended to care what there names were. So we go into the ladies house. For an old lady it was pretty sweet, except for the old person smell. I quickly diagnosed the problem, and of course all the old people disagreed, and proceeded to tell me what they “thought” the problem was. This also makes my patience grow thin. I know a little about a lot of things, but in my line of work, I am rarely wrong, and even then don’t really care. When people tell me what they think is the problem, I can let it slide, except when it is retarded logic. This pushes me over the edge. I was midway through debunking old guy #3’s theory, when old guy number one called me scott. I corrected him, only to be called scott minutes later. Soon, the name change was in full gear, and they were all calling me scott. I found myself running out of ways to be polite about correcting them on my real name, and there stupid old guy theories. When people reach the age of retirement, they are never wrong, and they don’t care how much of an ass they make of themselves proving this. So between being called scott, and having to argue my points, I felt a stroke looming. So I started to find a way to convince them what I said was right. Basically I just tell them my theory, and swing it in a way that sounds similar to what they said. They quickly start to like me, but still call me scott. Finally I hand Old guy’s #1, and #2 my business card. low, and behold my name isn’t scott. old guy #2 says ” I thought you said your name was scott”. I said, “no, my name is chris, but my friends call me scott”. Alas, a look of joy swept across their old faces, because they were right after all. So as I was leaving, old guy # 1 says, “thank you scott, we appreciate your honesty, and your professionalism” he was going to tell my boss, what a great job scott did. (There is no scott at my company, and god willing, there never will be) So as I’m walking away to my truck, they all start in a chorus of old people voices yelling, Bye Scott!

Do I look like a fucking scott? I sure as shit hope not. Scott’s an o.k. name, but I like mine better. This got me to thinking, Do I really look like a scott? You ever see someone who looks like they should be named something different than there actual name? I envy the old bastards. Even when they knew my name wasn’t scott, they were steadfast about calling me scott. So the rest of the day, I tried to answer the phone, “This is Scott” it felt alright. I’m gonna toss it around for a few days, but i may start going by scott. A little change could do me good. I might also take a cue from the old dudes, and just start calling people by what I think they should be called. I’ll have to steer away from the urge to call people, Captain Dildo, or Butthole, but maybe if I call someone named Dave, Gary, it will lighten my mood. Maybe people will think I’m crazy, and not mess with me. Who knows? I think anyone who reads this should find one person each day, and repeatedly call them the wrong name, and see what happens. I bet some cool shit will go down at some point. Be cool about it though. No calling a dude Rebecca, or anything crazy. Let me know how it works, I’ll do the same.

Running Man

July 23, 2008

Is there a reason every dude who motivates themself to go joggin around town, has to have his shirt off? Am I the only one who has to fight the urge to “acidentally” run them down in my truck? I get the fitness thing, good for them. I don’t get why they have to find the need to be topless, and sweaty. Maybe it’s my homophobia, but I could deal without it. I understand, you have abs, and are really proud of that. let me clue you in on a little secret. If you go running with no shirt on, you are a homosexual. Plain and simple. I can understand if it’s hot out, which it is, you want to cool off, but then you should have ran on a treadmill, in a gym with air conditioning. If you want to get a tan, stand still. Everyone at some point in there life should be “ripped” in some way, body wise. Wether it be for a few months as a pre-pubescent boy, playing in the yard, or if you have the motivation to maintain it. Either way, being fit is something everyone has been at one point, and it dosn’t make you special. If you’re fat, then you really should have your shirt on. But, good for you, on the running thing. About 75% of the dudes I see running, have no shirt. They never even had one to start, so that throws out the whole, “took it off because I was hot” thing. Clearly these dueche bags seem to think, that at any moment a car full of hot young college girls is going to be soooo enthralled by the sight of their glistening topless body, that they will pull over, and beg them for sex. Too bad, it’s never going to happen. The only person who’s going to pull over and beg you for sex, is gay dudes, which proves my theory that if you run with no shirt on you are gay. It’s cool there’s nothing wrong with that. Save yourself the trouble, and come out of the closet now. Go buy some mesh tanktops, and grow a mustache. If you do it now, you’ll make the who midlife crisis thing that much easier on your whole family. They’ve seen you running shirtless, they already have suspicions. Wake up and realize, that your gay. Society will accept you sooner or later. Why waste anytime fighting the enevitable. If you interview any of the dudes who have wives, and kids, and then BAM! gay, I garuntee, they used to run shirtless all the time. Now in Columbus, Chicks are allowed to be topless in public. So if any ladies want to run topless feel free. It’s a beautiful thing, and I encourage it. Sports bras are soo 1990’s. Then people will pull over and beg you for sex. You’ll probably get hit over the head, tied up, and thrown in the back of the van, but take one for the team ladies. If you are a lady, and want to jog topless, try and be hot though. You don’t want some bastard mistaking you for a hairy dude, and running you over in his truck.

Speaking of hotties. i got a bone to pick with the olympics. We’re really missing the boat by not sending hot chicks over for the olympics. Have you seen the female olympians? Theres like 4 lookers in the whole bunch. A lot of the events have them in swimsuits. Forget the specailly designed “fast” suits, bust out the string bikini’s. These ladies could audition for the sequel to 300. This was our chance to promote hot ladies, and make the shitty sports entertaining. I turned on the beach volleyball, and was highly dissapointed. Chicks with abs are pretty hot. Chicks with Back Abs, and guns makes me think “Pre-Op” Theres a lot of things a guy wants to see on a womans upper leg. Bulging veins is not one of them. Plus think how much extra money the hot chicks would get for things like, blackmail, and child support, from the male olympians like Kobe Bryant. We wouldn’t even have to pay for their meals, which would be nothing but Vodka, Diet Coke, and marlboro lights anyway. Other countries hate us enough. We shouldn’t be sending over testosterone filled shemales who will dominate everything. Instead send over hooters girls, and strippers. The countries that hate america, will change their mind on how they feel about us, when a bunch of bouncy-bikini clad coeds finish dead last. This would also boost the national morale of the shitty countries, who send over one person just to compete, and show the olympic spirit. Plus the sponsorship thing would be a lot cooler than Morgan Freeman voice overs for things like Coke, and Visa. Companies like Casino’s and Budweiser, and Godaddy.com would bust the bank trying to write sponsorship checks. The leftover cash would be enough to balance our national budget and fix social security. there’d be enough left over to buy our “athletes” more marlboro lights, and well vodka drinks.

Reality Check

July 22, 2008

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of going to my first Indy Car race, at the Mid-Ohio race track. It was pretty sweet, if I do say so myself. Most of the time, i didn’t know who was winning, and I only recognized a few of the cars. As usual, the drivers I was rooting for, managed to wreck, but still finished the race. I was hoping to see Danica crash into the wall, and then cry about it, but it wasn’t our day. I did manage to get one hell of a face sunburn. My skin is having a top-notch year. If I can just get a few cold sores, I’ll be all set. I was dissapointed, I didn’t get to see more euro-trash, but time is on my side there. the only downfall was that for whatever reason, 90 percent of the cars in our section never got out of the lot. After waiting an hour and a half, we decided to pull out, get in line, and hope whatever the delay was, would soon end. An hour later we had moved the length of the two cars that aborted their exit, and that was that. My guess is the two giant Marlboro tents had something to do with that.

On the way to the race, I was listening to ESPN radio, as usual. They mentioned how Carson Palmer had said some things that would upset OSU fans, so I took note. They played his interview with an L.A. sports radio station. When the interview was over, I wondered to myself, did they not play the offensive parts? Nothing he said was that bad. He was asked ‘what it was like being a USC Alum, living in buckeye nation’, ”what he thought of OSU football’, and ‘what he thought of this years OSU vs. USC game’. Everything he said is what you should expect a Former heisman winning QB from USC to say. Nothing derogatory was said about OSU, Tressell, or our mascot being a tree. He never piled on, on how we have been spanked in 2 straight title games, he never said we play in the weekest confrence, or are slow, or have fat cheerleaders. I figured a little fall-out from buckeye nation would be in store, and that was that. As of 10 a.m. yesterday, i am yet to see any sports programming mention the interview. then this morning, my f.m. listening comrades tipped me off to the outrage that was going down on the air. All day long, callers, and D.J’s have been barking rage at Carson. Some geniuses are calling for the bengals to cut him. One lady started a new trend, apparently she, and several others are going to gather up all their families carson palmer gear and burn it at the radio station. This will surely earn them a bumper sticker for the back of the 1992 mini-van. As one of the biggest Buckeye fans you’ll ever meet, All I can think is what the fuck? This is why people hate OSU. This is why we get a bad rap nationally. Are we really this fucking stupid? Come on people, we’re better than that. This type of OSU fan pisses me off. Did palmer say anything an OSU player living in Cali wouldn’t say? No. Did he personally attack anyone or anything OSU? No. To all the semi-retarded buckeye fans out there, here is some tips to help you negotiate through your worthless life. Not everyone likes OSU, infact some people hate OSU. When someone plays for another college, and then goes to Ohio to play on a pro team, they are still going to root for their alma matter. Carson Palmer, or Brady Quinn, are not going to say yeah, O-H! just so some truck driver from mansfield will be there new friend. I’m tired of rooting for teams with retarded fans, I really am. If Troy Smith goes to Cali-and plays for the raiders, he can still root for the buckeyes, even though he lives there now. The best part, is people hear the interview, and then their brain scrambles it into what they want to hear. I’ve heard it several times myself, and never heard the following, which several people I know seem to have heard. (“I hate Ohio State, I hate Wendy’s, I love Al-Qaeda, Pete Rose is gay, Jessie owens was on HGH, Jim Tressel is a tranny)No check all that, here is the new rules for everyone dealing with OSU. Even if you won the heisman trophy at USC, since you now live in Ohio, you have to root only for OSU. That would make the most sense. In the last 10 hours, I’ve received no less than 9 phone calls, from non-bengal fans, telling me how horrible carson Palmer is. Please, please, please, buckeye nation. Put down the retardo-juice for 5 minutes, and just realize, not everyone likes us, and it’s o.k. Life will go on. Just because one other person, has singular, and independant thoughts, dosn’t mean our world is coming to an end. We can still like who we like. we can still, complain over what must teams would consider blessings. we can still light shit on fire. Just don’t expect me to not root for a pro player, because he has the audacity to maintain allegiance to his alma matter. So in order to take a little heat off of my boy carson, whose name I lobbied to my wife to pass on to our first born child, I’m going to go out on a limb, and say the following. 90 percent of my fellow OSU fans are giant retards, who can’t name half of the offense, or defense at any given time. With any luck, we’ll have the great honor of being 3-time runners up at season’s end. If we are, we’ll still finish higher than 1oo or so other college teams. If not, Maurice Clarrett will be out in a year or so, so we have that to keep us proud.

Ooh that smell

July 20, 2008

So dylan’s farts have started to smell. It used to be that it was all noise, and he would laugh, and everyone had a good time. Now they really stink, and he’s the only one who finds it funny. I used to relish having a son who could rip’em with the best, but now, it can be quite bothersome. It is still a little funny though. How can you get mad at a baby who laughs when he farts. the problem is that the semi-odorless stage may be past us forever. Breast fed babies don’t have the awful smelling diapers, and farts of their formula fed friends. Eventually the circle of pooh catches up to them, and it all stinks in the end. The good news is, I now have someone else to blame farts on, which will be nice for the times when rudi is outside. I thought i’d mix it up a bit, and tell some of the tales of our trip from dylan’s perspective. He seemed to have a pretty good time.

Most people would think it would be a hassel to take a 3 month old child on a long trip. Not when you have family. This means there is always someone who wants to hold the baby, or watch him, so you can have a nice dinner out. Young Dylan got passed around more than a doobie at a Rush concert. He seemed to enjoy himself. Most days were spent under a canopy, eventually napping on the beach, in between breast feeding sessions in a condo. Dylan also had a similar schedule. The one day, we got caught in a thunderstorm, and had to break for cover. Lucky for us, a few feet away was a dive-bar owned by my family. We ran for cover. The only problem was that it was feeding time, and we had no bottles. Since we are related to the owners, young dylan got the thrill of breast feeding in the back-room office, as we all drank beer and waited out the storm. Now, I’ve logged many, many hours in this bar over the years, and have never got to 2nd base, anywhere near this place. he’s less than 4 months old, and he’s got me beat. Needless to say, I’m waaay prouder of this experience than his mother is. If all goes well, I should have the security footage on the internet by weeks end.

Also on the trip, dylan rolled over for the first time. belly to back for all you wondering parents out there. i’m not sure what this means. Likely that the days of leaving him in one spot (i.e.on top of the fridge) are starting to pass us by. This means we will have to switch to a zone defense, as he becomes more mobile. This also means, all the dangerous stuff in our house (i.e light sockets, nunchucks, poisonous frogs) will need to be addressed. He also got to have his first shower. The one day, he had his feet off the blanket, and in the sand. He quickly became enthralled by the new stuff at his feet, and began to play with the sand. Now at this point in his life, he has roughly 80 percent body fat, just like his daddy. This means for every roll of fat you see, there are six more filled with sand. We found ourselves behind schedule in preparing to leave for dinner, so dylan didn’t get his usual bath time experience. His baths consist of Mommy doing all the grunt work, and daddy there for moral support, and to laugh when he pees in the tub. So we decided to tempt fate. Dylan would get his first shower. I don’t know if it’s because he’s too young to know better but he did great. Basically, I just held him under a stream of water in the shower, being carefull not to let the water in his face, or drop him. All went well. I myself was afraid to shower until I was about 12. When I was little, I never wanted to get out of the tub at bath time. I was Luke Skywalker sweeping in, in my X-wing to blow up the deathstar, my weiner was my joystick, much as it is today. I had a babysitter tell me that if I was still in the tub when the drain plug came out, I would be swept down, and washed away forever. Seeing as how when you shower, the drain is open, I was mortified, and to this day still plan a diabolical revenge on my parents for making me shower.

Dylan also had one more neat trick, that earned him several more coolness points with daddy, even though I was the victim. We like to play “superbaby”. I hold him over my head, and he flies around the room, laughing the entire time. it’s quite cute, except when “superbaby” laughs too hard, and pukes right on daddy’s face. It’s a strange sensation that I don’t even think I can describe, when your son pukes partially digested breastmilk right on your face. Luckily my mouth closes at the speed of a bear trap, so we don’t have to go there. What we do know, is that Dylan won’t be allowed to watch anymore of the 2 girls 1 cup videos from the internet.

Eye of the storm

July 18, 2008

(Note: this blog was originally slated to be posted while I was away. I have since updated it, since I wasn’t able to post anything while I was away)

Apparently the first Hurricane of the season is a bust. It is forecasted to hit some island with no baseball players, and then putter out in the atlantic. We have a trip scheduled to the east coast soon, and I view this with mixed emotions. As a new father, taking your child into harms way may be a poor choice. But I’ve always wanted to see a huricane. Being there at ground zero would allow me to scratch a few things off my bucket list, such as kicking Anderson Cooper, or Geraldo Rivera in the nuts. Dylan has been a good sport so far, and I’m sure he’d love to see a huricane. Not a huge one, just enough of a storm so he could brag about it one day. Plus, this would give him a sweet opening line with the young girls at daycare. Just when they think that kid with the Go Diego Go! lunchbox is hot shit. Bam! Here comes huricane boy. I have first hand knowledge of how tales of bravery can boost ones status with the ladies. My story about escaping death from the Playboy stealing black bear of the greater gomer area, scored me plenty of wild nights, with some sympathetic ladies. Leonardo DiCrappio has been milking this female response ever since Titanic. A huricane would also give me a chance to kick start my looting career. Imagine all the wonderful things the storefronts of Myrtle beach could offer a crazed post storm looter. I could finally get that “who farted” beach towel I’ve been jonesing for. All my christmas shopping for my brother would be done. He was eyeing that, ‘Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes’ shirt, and the ‘free mustache rides’ ball hat all week. I’m not wishing any major destruction on anyone, just a little entertainment. I’ve already seen a partial tornado this year, I’d like to go for two and see a huricane. Maybe next time. Apparently there is another storm in the works, and they named it Elida. No major damage is expected, but reports indicate it’s either gonna be a bull dyke lebian in a warm-up suit, or it’s going to have sex with high school kids. Early forecasts indicate it will suck at sports, and spelling as well. I’d really like a good huricane to be named after me. A few years ago there was a tropical depression christopher, but the letter C is going to get slotted way too early in the year to do any real damage. this is why I need all of you to do as much environmental damage as possible. Global Warming may just be a myth, and scam at this point, but if we all chip in, it can be a real issue. If we can get the earth hot enough, Huricanes in May can be a real possibillity. So buy everything aerosol, from here on out. Leave your car running all day, and all night. In fact, buy an extra car, and leave both running. If you use the AC, have the windows down also. I could just change my name to one of the middle letters I-R, but this way we can make Al gore earn that shitty nobel award for dramatizing a fake crisis.

Yes we took a little trip to the east coast. The Jewel of the south, Myrtle beach South Carolina. In the coming days, I will cover some important topics that came to mind, on my trip. Here is a little taste.

Since we have a 3 month old child, the whole 11 hours plus in the car thing was a no go. We found a decent deal flying out of columbus’s ugly stepchild airport, Rickenbacker Airport. The Airline was Myrtle beach Direct. They offer low fares to just one place, for one way flights. You have to pay to check bags, and what not, but in the end it was a good price, and it cut the travel time to just over an hour. As far as the flight goes, it was as good as it gets. I watched the 2000 Rose Bowl on the big ten network on the way there, and various crap on the return flight. The only real problem with these people is the retards they have working for them. Our flight got re-scheduled a few times in the weeks leading up to our flight. We called the morning of to double check, and were told we would still depart at 3:00 p.m. The internet told us a different time, so we called back immediately, and were told by retard #2 that our flight was at 4:00 p.m. as the internet stated. This morning when I called “angel” was the customer service rep I encountered. Normally when I am confronted by someone named Angel, I hang up, or walk away. they serve no purpose in society, other than to average out the welfare department, and keep back-alley abortion clinics in business. they are not to be trusted. They are like Morman’s only usually red-haired. I asked Angel if our flight was on time. She said she couldn’t tell me without my confirmation #. I said I didn’t have it handy. She said she could only tell me if I had it, but that they are always on time.(even though every flight I have seen from them has been delayed at least 3 times) I thanked her for being an asset to society, and hung up, happy that she was honoring the name Angel accoringly. In the end, they have decent rates, rodeo cool beers, and shitty snacks, all trumped by satelite t.v. in the seatbacks, including the aforementioned Big ten network. I would fly them again any day. Never underestimate the power of seeing steve alford foul out on a 4×6 inch screen.

It was a nice relaxing, yet fun filled family get-away. Many a great memories went down, and we have lots of pics and video to go along with them. Highlights included me stiff-arming an old lady in defense of my child. Staging a fake teen pregnancy, and surfing lessons from a 13 year old girl, who made me feel like a worthless turd. the only real low points, were provided by the state of Wisconsin. I started most days waking up early with Dylan, and drinking a pot of coffee, while watching sportscenter, and trying to spit on red-necks from the 7th floor balcony. The whole Pussy fvart vs. the packers thing got really old really fast. This made me want to not like sports. Fortunately the all-star game would give me a break from ole pussyfvart. The reds actually had a pitcher in the All-star game. Edinson Volquez. the man. His night was ruined by two bad pitches. Sadly for him, another Wisconsin Product, cast a dark cloud over his allstar experience. Corey hart a.k.a. the mongoloid outfielder from milwaukee let a ball get past him to the wall in right center. Apparently the young mongoloid saw something shiney over by the foul pole, and was playing way too far over. The batter got a double out of it. the next pitch was a should have been double play. Next batter homers. next batter strikes out. I blame Corey hart, or his mongoloidism for ruining the reds night to shine, and losing it for the NL. I am officially re-petitioning congress to annex wisconsin to the canadiens. I will give them a partial hall-pass for winning the aforementioned 2000 Rose Bowl. Even though that was against Cade McClown and the UCLA bruins.