College Wrap-up

November 29, 2010

As we prepare to put a bow on the College Football regular season, lets take a minute to review the season as a whole.

As we went to press time, we had some fairly big news. The Big East finally has one good team. Apparently they got tired of people making jokes about the Big East Champ getting an automatic BCS Bowl Bid, so they went out and got a big named school that just screams Big East, that school being Texas Christian University. Nothing says East like Dallas. Does the NCAA realize they are pretty much just being mocked at this point? Will this finally force their hand for some sort of playoff, and an overhaul of the BCS, or will we need a few years of Womens Soccer road trips from TCU to Rhode Island? Don’t get me wrong, it works great for TCU. Now they don’t have to worry about being undefeated just to make an at large bid, all they have to do now is win 7 games.

Dick-Rod needs to stay at Michigan. Period. Really for two reasons. First, because I love not having to worry about Michigan ruining Ohio States season as long as he is there. They have a defense that would struggle in the Big East, an apart from a few skill position guys, they are in recruiting wars with MAC Schools over their incoming talent. Jim Harbaugh scares me, and I hope he and his alma matter are still mad at each other enough to keep him away.
Second, he may actually be very close to making them a favorite to win it all. Not from any evidence on the field, or growth as a program, but because Matt Millen sounded less than confident about Rodriguez’s future. Last year Millen gave him a booming endorsement (that should have been reason enough to fire him on the spot), now this year he sounded skeptical. If Matt Millen thinks you suck, you may as well be Bear Bryant. On the flip side, if he thinks you are good…you already play for the Lions.

People are fools for believing in Cam newton, and for that matter Auburn. Haven’t we seen this enough already? I’m making myself an Oregon fan against everything I believe in, and even a South Carolina fan too. Considering how I loathe Steve Spurrier, and the class of people Oregon keeps around. Legarrette Blount from last season, and this years speedy woman beater LaMichael James, they aren’t exactly easy to root for. Not a single aspect of the Cam newton thing even remotely sounds like it coul;d be an exaggeration, or something taken out of context. Every single thing screams Reggie Bush all over again. The Church that was days from being torn down miraculously getting tens of thousands of dollars to be repaired. His last second switch from Miss. State to Auburn. The Casino owner on the board of regents at Auburn etc. etc.
Yes, he is great at College Football, but considering what he is being paid, he should be. Save us all the trouble, realize that where there is this much smoke in an already hazy college world, there is a very large fire.

Texas might suck next year too.

Now we know why Urban Meyer wanted to sneak away for a year or two.

Wisconsin very well may be the best team in football. The defense may only be the 4th best in the Big Ten, but it is still good, and still good enough to be the best defense in the PAC 10. The thing people take for granted is just how good the Wisconsin running game really is. Scary good. They don’t even need to pretend to pass, and when they do, they have a QB who is plenty good enough, they always have a sweet tight end, but they have several really good receivers as well. I would pick Wisconsin easily against Auburn, and seeing as how there is no defense in the PAC 10, and how that conference usually gets exposed as the calendar starts to flip, I’d have to take the Badgers over Oregon as well. Also, now that TCU is in the Big East, they clearly suck, so yes, Wisconsin is the best team in football.

It hurts really bad to say that.


Oh Cleveland

November 18, 2010

You’ve done it yet again Cleveland fans, you glorious bastards.
If you haven’t heard by now, after the Browns loss to the Jets last weekend. A drunken Browns fan tackled an 8 year old boy who was wearing a Jets jersey in the parking lot.
There is just soooo much I want to say right now, but it would not do justice to Cleveland fans, so I will just have to leave this one up to the greatest public speaker in the history of the world, Sam Wyche…

Best Gaurantee Ever

November 17, 2010

Recently, a defensive back for the University of Michigan went waaay out on a limb, and made a proclamation that would make Joe Namath blush. James Rogers, gave us what may be the ballsiest guarantee ever.
Last week Wisconsin pinned 83 points on Indiana, and according to Rogers, it won’t happen two weeks in a row.
“I guarantee they won’t score 83 points on us” claimed Rogers, as he really stuck his neck out.
guaranteeing a team won’t score 83 points on you in College football, is pretty wild, even if you are a member of the Michigan defense.
It’s like me saying “I guarantee my 2 year old son can’t beat me in Basketball if we play on a 10 foot hoop”.
However, Michigan’s defense is really, really, bad this year, so there is a bit of gusto to Rogers’ claim.
As a Buckeye fan, I not only need Michigan to win this game, but I also want to see Wisconsin lose, seeing as I hate those bastards.
However, I am torn.
I kind of think it would be just a little awesome, if Wisconsin scores like, 82 points this weekend, just to see what Rogers would say.
Would you brag about being right, even if you got your ass kicked in epic fashion?
How awesome would that be?
“That’s right bitches, only scored 82 points this week!”


November 11, 2010

Finally, after month’s of headaches, squabbling, back-and-forth with Idiot County officials, engineers, and over-paid fat-assed architect’s, we have broken ground on our new house.
It was a battle, and there is still a shitload of work to do, but it feels like a huge weight has been lifted, and the hardest part is over.
Now we can build.
Within 24 hours of closing with the title company, we have a basement dug.
It’s just a big hole, but it’s my big hole, and I love it.
The coolest part, as I went out to watch, and take some pictures, so we can boor everyone we know with those gay-assed scrap books of our building process (“look, there’s our cold air return vent being installed”), I discovered, that if you ask enough times, throw a huge fit, roll around on the ground kicking and screaming, they will let you operate the heavy machinery.
In this case, it was a Caterpillar Track-hoe.
And they didn’t just let me drive it, They let me try to dig shit with it, mainly the ceremonial first dig or, “groundbreaking”.
It was awesome.
After a quick 2 minute tutorial on how to operate a really expensive, massive, piece of machinery that I was in no way qualified to operate, or covered by insurance for that matter, it was go time.
I don’t mean to brag, but I was pretty awesome at digging shit up via heavy equipment.
And the cool thing is, I took some cold medicine earlier in the day, going against the recommendation to not operate heavy machinery, and spitting right in the face of danger.
Being a rookie, I was slow at first. I didn’t know that if you started with the bucket on the ground, it wouldn’t have the same force as if you slammed it down, thus not digging quite as much shit up. But I did not let that stop me, I plowed ahead.
I was also instructed, that since it was going to be a big hole, thus a large pile of dirt coming out of the hole, it would be best to try to “throw” the dirt as far away as I could.
The only thing better than digging with a track-hoe, is throwing dirt with a track-hoe.
Pretty much any amount of stress in your life, blows away in the wind when you toss a few hundred pounds of dirt through the air from about 20 feet up.
The thing spins like a dime, and you can raise the arm way up in the air, spin the whole thing really fast, and then flip the bucket, thus causing dirt to go flying, and a huge cloud of dust, and grass.
The only thing I could think of that might be cooler than this, would be to punch a mime in the face.
In my eyes, I was doing an awesome job, and had discovered my new calling in life (since the Reds still won’t return my calls). However, my little adventure had to come to an end.
It was brought to my attention, that I wasn’t as awesome at digging shit up as I thought, and that if I continued to operate the “hoe” it would not only take 3 days to do it, but the hole where my basement is supposed to go would be so jacked up, and un-even, that it would end up costing me thousands of dollars extra in the process.
So I let the “pro” take over.
He has been doing this for almost 30 years, and has used this machine almost every day for the last 2 years when it was purchased, so he may have been a little better at it than me, but I figure with an hour or so of practice, I would be right there with him.
In the end, he did an awesome job. Being in my job, I see a lot of holes in the ground, but this one was the best looking one ever. Not just because it is my giant hole, but because the ground was really awesome, and he did do a perfect job, minus the one little section I may have ruined.
Later they let me get back on one more time with my son there, and he honked the horn, and almost knocked a guy into the hole with the bucket because I un-locked the controls on accident, but all was good.
I’ve spent the last several hours calling people I know telling them about it, and also sending the pictures of my one awesome moment at the helm of a really big toy.
So I have to say, if you ever get the chance to take cold medicine, and hijack a track-hoe, jump on it, and go to town.
Or dig a really big hole.

Crappin Hammers

November 11, 2010

I do not want to exploit my two year old son on any of the internets, so this story is about some other kid I know.
We’ll call him, the B-Man.

So The B-Man has pretty well mastered the whole potty training thing, except one minor thing. He had only been crapping at daycare. Getting him to crap at home, was a major issue, since there were times when he clearly was about to crap himself, when we were at home. He would try to just pee standing up, and hope that would fix the problem.
Obviously, it did not.
So one night, not my wife, but some random chick I know sat in there with him, and coached him through his ordeal. It took a good deal of effort, but the last potty training hurdle was finally cleared, and the B-man could now crap pretty much anywhere he wanted to, except his pants.
During the epic struggle, he had taken his two little plastic hammers from his toybox in with him, and was holding them the whole time.
Now, he seems to only want to crap with his hammers at all times.
Or, he needs his hammers all the times he craps.
So, that is why we don’t have any hammers that belong to a little boy tool set, but we do have a beautiful pair of shiny red crappin’ hammers.

Small Victory

November 10, 2010

Since the Bengals do just enough to lose every game these days, and seem to inflict more pain on themselves than what their opponent does to them, we need to start looking at the small things that keep us sane.
First, every loss, minus the opener in New England, was a game the Bengals should have won, and still had a chance to win late in the game, had it not been for huge mistakes.
That’s about as Bengal as it gets, and is nothing new, so we need to look for more.
That’s why I’ve decided to start a new series each week after a Bengals loss, that spotlights a small facet of the game that gives me hope, and keeps me from climbing the bell tower with the ole sniper rifle.
This weeks, “One Surprisingly Not That Shitty Moment” is…
(One Surprisingly Not That Shitty is a registered trademark of me, so don’t steal it CBS)

Domata Peko pulverizing Troy Polamalu on the goal line.
Remember the Steve Atwater vs. the Nigerian Nightmare hit? This is the exact opposite of that, and almost made up for the terrible block by Jermaine Gresham on the same play. It’s not the same as winning the actual game, but it does help, and it is cool to see a “daywalker” Samoan smash another Samoan. I even think Domata has the better hair.
And if you’re gonna show Domata Peko youtube clips, you can’t forget this one
Good times.
And since this little bit of therapy seems to help me, I may as well go ahead and show a clip of the greatest play, in the history of sports.
Keep on truckin’ Corey Lynch.


November 9, 2010

So after yet one more close, but not enough loss, that was the result of waaay too many stupid mistakes, there are really just three things we need to look at.

First, and I’m not saying we need to tank it (turnover’s, penalties, and no right tackle will take care of that for us), but do we start looking at Draft order? I’m not convinced It’s time to replace Carson. He has spent a lot of time being “off” but when you break it down, 3 out of 4 “off” plays appear to be not his fault. Bad routes, shitty line, and some dropsies play a big role. Watching live, he doesn’t step into his throws a lot of times, but when you slow it down, you notice the really big black guy hitting him as he throws.
So where does that leave us? Either way, Carson or not, Andrew Luck is already looking at homes in the Buffalo area on All the other candidates for the top pick already have a QB making enough to get another year or so, minus San Fran, but Troy Smith will get them at least 5 wins. So, who is the stud tackle, offensive or defensive?
Unless we get a sure thing offensive tackle, and the best one on the board, we may need a D-lineman, and then a tackle/center in round 2.

Second, Is Marvin gone? Is this his fault? What is the actual problem?
We don’t look like a well coached team, but I’m not sure if letting Marvin go is the answer, considering the state of Bengaldom before he arrived. Even so, what’s the alternative? Zimmer is the only one on the staff I feel okay about, and what worries me is Mike Brown hiring a new coach, and who that will end up being (Wade Phillips).
Marvin aint perfect, but odds are 9-1 he’s better than the alternative for dealing with this mess.

Third, do we need to say “Adios” to the Ocho even before the season ends?
The way this is going, I say Si! When you make T.O. look like a great teammate, you got problems. Hats off to Owens, the dude is money, and has been everything you could ask for. I know year one has never been an issue for TO, but he looks like he has at least a couple years left, and seems to be someone you can count on. So, that being said what are the odds we can bring Owens back, and then get Vincent Jackson in an 85 jersey next year?

Bombs away!

November 3, 2010

Amazing news everyone!
Today, at Daycare, the D-man took his first “real” toilet dump.
Hold for applause….
He has done it before, but I think it was because I saw it coming, and pointed his hiney towards the toilet just at the right time.
He had been holding it for several days, and has been pretty awesome at the other aspects of potty training, so this is a huge load off so to speak.
He was actually getting pretty heavy, not having shat in 5 days and all.
Next step, teachng him how to send camera phone images of the really good ones to people.

Mission: Failed

November 3, 2010

Tragedy struck my life again today.
This time, no shitty Ohio Sports team, or emails with pictures of Brett Favres penis were involved.
Things were a little hectic trying to get the D-man out the door, and to daycare, so i could get to work.
I had a lot to carry between his bags, and lunch, my work folders, and my travel coffee mug.
I stuck the coffe mug on the bed  rail of my truck, and opened the door to load him up, strap him in, and get going to daycare.
It wasn’t until after I got back in my truck from dropping him off, and saying bye bye, that I went for my first much needed drink of coffee (actually, I have at least one mug before I fill my travel cup, but that barely makes a dent on my morning fog). That was when I realized my cup was not there.
I had left it on the bed rail.
For some reason, I have done this about 3 other tmes the least few months, after never doing this before to my knowledge. In previous times, the travel cup just fell into the bed o my truck, usually spilling the contents in the process, although one time most of the cofe was still in there, at least enough to last me until I found replacement coffee.
So I get back out, take a peak, and the cup is nowhere to be found.
I had a little time to kill, and it is pretty good coffee, so I decided to drive back the way I came.
Logic says it likely fell out as soon as I backed up, and is laying safely by my place, and I can at least get the cup back, if not the coffee as well.
Thats when I saw it.
Laying pretty uch right on the yellow line between the normal trafic lane, and the turn lane, on a really busy road was my awesome blue travel coffe cup.
You know the kind. Insulated, plastic on the outside, and what appears to be stainless steel on the inside, with a lid, that keeps coffee fresh, and delicious. THis model was blue, and said THE BANK on it. I have no idea how I got it, what Bank, THE BANK is, but it is one of my top 3 travel mugs, and almost never spills coffee on my crothal region while I drive.
THere she was, laying in distress in the middle of the damned road.
I did a drive-by just to assess the situation.
It was right on the line, and likely to go un-disturbed.
I had two options, not counting the logical option of just driving away and getting to work.
I could either park in the parking lot of one of the business lining the street, get out of my truck and play a little game of frogger during the morning rush, or I could un-fasten my seat belt, open my door, and lean down and swipe it off the road like Inidana Jones did to his hat that time he was riding a horse, and again on a nazi motorcycle. All I had to worry about in the latter scenario was falling out of my truck, swerving into oncoming traffic, or somebody actually using the turn lane and knocking my head off.
Since there looked to have been very little coffee spilled out when i did the drive-by, and since I love all things Indiana Jones, I went with that route.
Growing up, I did this trick on my Dukes of Hazard bike a thousand times, with all sorts of things. I was pretty bad-assed at pedallng bye, leaning down, and swiping something off the ground, all the while humming duh-duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh…
Piece of cake
It would be just like Indiana Jones, and I would be awesome, as long as I did not kill myself.
On the first attempt, I had it all lined up, ready to go. However, since I had to keep up with traic, I was going to fast and completely missed it as it went past.
No problem, I had the angle down, I just needed to start farther back, so I could be travelling slow enough to actually grab it. THe first attempt I kind of got excited, and pulled put in front of some cars, thus causing me to go to fast to grab the cup.
So I start farther back, and begin to coast towards ole blue. I had the door open,  was leaning way out ready to be awesome, and then I kind of pussed out. Maybe it’s being a parent now, or maybe it was the other cars whizzing by, or maybe I’m just a little bitch, but I never got close enough to grab it.
I decided one more try and I could ride off into the sunrise, sipping whatever coffee was left (obviously if I am the kind of person who would try this stunt, I am the kind of person who would drink coffee off of the road). 
I started even further back, this time coming from the same direction I did on the first attempt where I had the trajectory down perfect. All I needed was the right speed and….
The blue coffee mug I was looking for, was no more. All I saw was a big puddle, and thousand little pieces o what just moments ago was my travel mug.
Apparently the lining part I assumed was stainless steel, was just shiny plastic, as there was no shrapnel larger than a popcorn seed. Even the crappiest o Chinese stainless steel would have held up towhatever asshole ran over my coffee.
Somewhere Indiana Jones is crying, and not just because the last movie sucked.
So there you have it folks, never put your coffe cup on top of your car, and if you forget about it there, kiss it goodbye.
I can safely say though, that had that cup actually been Indiana ones’ hat, or I had been on a BMX bike painted like the General Lee, me and that coffee cup would still be together today.