Stocking Up

January 31, 2011

With the imposing doom that is the most recent bout of winter, I found myself with two options.
1. Stock up on survival supplies, and pray we survive what could be the storm of the century.
2. Murder my entire family so they won’t suffer through what Mother nature throws at them.
Well the quarter landed on tails, so i went to the store, and we are all still alive and well.
For now.
That is, until this terrible storm of biblical proportions comes through. Let’s all hope what I just bought is enough for us to survive until it passes.
I bought Cheerios, cereal, bacon, eggs, and beer.
I hope that is enough, we could get up to 1/10th of an inch of ice, followed by rain, and if that wasn’t bad enough, 1-3 inches of snow on Wednesday.
God help us all!
Seriously, people it is weather. We are no longer cave people. We have tires designed to traverse in all kinds of conditions. All wheel drive, anti-lock brakes, windshield wipers, heaters, and defrost, Road salt, sand, and brine. We have Ug Boots, mittens, hats, coats, and hopefully some day penile scarves. We have snow shovels, blowers, and plows.
We have GPS, AAA, OnStar, and cell phones.
We have 24 hour groceries, pharmacies, and gas stations.
We can buy kerosene heaters at grocery stores, and groceries at gas stations.
We have movies on Demand, satellite radio, and e-readers all to keep us busy in case we get stuck inside.
We have Twitter, facebook, and more porn than any of us could ever watch.
This is not the end of the world, it is at worst an inconvenience for upwards of two days, then it will just be cold again.
If you need food, go to the store, and for God’s sake don’t dry hump me in the check-out line because you are nervous about the roads getting bad, wait your fucking turn, and act like decent human being. Don’t fidget around while trying to shove your pop-tarts and diet coke as close to my groceries as you can get. This will not save you, nor do you need saved.
If the roads do happen to get shitty, call in sick, stay home, or maybe try leaving a half hour earlier. Stay in your lane, use your signals, and keep your lights on. Don’t wreck and screw up my day. If your tires suck, and you fly off the road, that is a you problem.
And unless you are middle-aged and just awoke from a 30 year coma, and got your driver’s license in Arizona, you’ve been here before. A winter storm does not need to be spoken of like it is missiles in the air. It’s weather, it happens, and rarely is it even half as awesome as we are told it will be.
Stop giving snow/ice/rain storms retarded names like “snow-mergency” and “winter event”
It’s called precipitation, and there is nothing we can do about it. The temperature in the air determines if it is ice, snow, rain, or just fucking clouds, and that is that.
It will come, or it will not. There is nothing you can do about it, so stop having updates all over the television and radio, like we are waiting for a new pope to be named.
Some people have no option, and can’t take off work, and will have to drive on the roads no matter how bad they are. That also, is a great big You problem. You should have studied more in high School, gone to College, and gotten a real job, or at least made enough money to buy a plow, which is awesome no matter what your job is.
On the other hand, some people are Doctors and what not, and also have to be at work no matter what the weather is like. This also is a You problem, as you should have partied more in College, and gone into sales.
So no matter what the weather is like the next two days, everyone just enjoy yourself, buy extra booze, don’t crash your car, and stop talking about the weather like it is a brand new thing.


“I Hate The Packers”

January 27, 2011

Oh the joys of parenting.
There are times when you have to try and exlpain the real world, and some of it’s more trivial events, that to a young kid seem like the end of the World.
Diego not being on at any given moment, the lack of a certain flavor of Juice Box, or someones favorite team fell flat in the NFC Championship game.
Parenting can be the greatest experience of one’s life, and I’m glad to see others are having fun doing it also.
Check this out.
Hooray Parenting!

I Think I’ve Got It

January 25, 2011

The last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster in my household, pretty much ever since I first heard the news of Carson Palmer demanding a trade.
I’ve gone back and forth on this, over, and over.
One minute I hate Carson, the next I want him to be a free-bird, the next I find myself curled up in the shower crying until the hot water runs out, at which time I go into a violent rage, only to end up making homemade valentines for number 9.
Now that I have my wits about me, I’ve sorted through this mess, and think I finally have a decent take on it, and it does not include a sniper rifle.
At first, I was upset at Carson. The timing, with the Bengals staff working the Senior Bowl, it made no sense. I didn’t like how this was something that went public. If they had kept it in-house, maybe the trade market for Palmer would be a little higher.
I thought, there is no way you can have him back. How can he win back the locker room? If his heart is not in it, don’t let him take the field.
I went through some of the same lines of thinking as a lot of Bengals fans. He’s no good anymore…We Don’t need him, WHo does he think he is…
The answer I think is pretty simple.
He’s in a unique position, and sees the same stuff all Bengals fans see, only it directly affects his life.
Take yourself out of the Bengals fan bubble for a second, and it’s easy to see why Carson wants out.
Can you blame him?
It’s like the comments TO made about management. Stupid? Yes. True? Absolutely.
The Bengals are a joke, plain and simple.
We are stuck here as fans, and Carson doesn’t want the same fate that awaits us.
I don’t blame him.
Apparently he isn’t real happy about Marvin coming back.
If he is so important to the franchise future, and he is going to take in another 50 mils of Mike Browns money, don’t you think you’d at least want to get a feel of your franchise players thoughts on the head coach?
The Bengals get on a bus, and drive to a high school for indoor practices, since they don’t have their own indoor facility.
Name all the other NFL teams who do this.
They bring in a well known former head coach, take him out to dinner in a very public setting, where it is obvious they are interested in bringing him in as Offensive coordinator, the week before the entire coaching staff goes to Alabama to coach the Senior Bowl. 
Anyone else think that’s a bit awkward.
Name the NFL teams who make that move?
2 playoff appearances in 20 years, and still no plans to update the scouting department, or hire a G.M.
Name the teams who do this?
Sure the Bengals have won the AFC North twice, but that’s the absolute best they can do, and it’s the akin to the line about the blind squirrel.
If you were not a fan, and you found yourself in Carson’s shoes what would you do?
Name the other NFL teams who would refuse to trade their franchise QB, when he threatens retirement as the or else?
I can see Oakland, but they need to get a franchise QB before we can have that discussion anyway.
The entire NFC West would be in the market for Palmer, and whatever his trade value may be, you don’t think a bidding war would go down, and they could at least get something in return?
Instead we are going to take our chances between the choices of having a QB who hates it here and does not want to be here, or having our franchise player retire out of spite.
Makes sense to me.
Unlike lifelong Bengals fans, Palmer has a choice in the matter, and if we had any sense at all, we would make that same choice.
Palmer gave Mike Brown a chance to keep this quiet, and get a deal done, but Brown refused to budge, so Palmer went public.
This does not help the Bengals as far as what they can ask for in return if the other teams know Palmer has them backed in a corner, but they had a chance, and refused.
Would you want to be a chef in a restraunt where the owner keeps buying Spam, mystery meat and 3 day old fish, or would you pack up and move on?
I’m not mad at Palmer, life is too short to put up with the Bengals, especially if you are a Quarterback.
Mike Brown, even though there is no reason in hell you would ever see this blog, please, please, get what you can in a trade.
You will suck really bad next year, but Andrew Luck has to leave Stanford at some point, and you will have an upgrade at QB.
I know you think you don’t need to hire a General Manager, or a modern scouting department, but you are a minority of about 2-3 people on the entire planet who believes that.
Any Bengals fan who stumbles upon this please head my advice.
Don’t spend another dime on the Bengals.
It’s hard, but you can do it. Don’t go to the games, don’t buy anything that says Bengals on it, don’t lend any support outside of what you yell at your television (if you live outside the blackout circle). Don’t do anything.
Make Mike Brown understand that enough is enough.
It’s the only way anything good will ever come out of Paul Brown Stadium.
Marvin Lewis tried to do this, and it had no affect.
Carson Palmer is trying to do this right now, and I doubt it will get him anywhere.
Instead of turning on Palmer, thank him, he is trying to help you, even if you don’t know it yet.

Hang in there Jay Cutler

January 24, 2011

Can someone please explain to me why players whose teams were not good enough to still be in the playoff’s are ripping Jay Cutler for not finishing the NFC Championship game?
Or the former players, who are just tough as nails, whose very corpses we would have to drag off the field before they would come out of the game, why do we need your commentary again?
I’m not a big Jay Cutler fan to begin with, but lets cut him some slack on this one.
He either tore, or sprained his MCL in a game he was getting pounded. After halftime, he tried to go back in and play on the bum knee, but it just wasn’t happening.
I get that the mentality is that we all think we could tough it out, and that Jay Cutler is just a pussy, but I don’t think that’s anywhere near the case.
I tore my MCL once, it hurt like hell. I could barely straighten my leg all the way out. My knee was quivering all on it’s own. When I walked it felt like my knee was going to either pop out of joint, or get stuck in place and never move again.
This went away after awhile, and a smelly knee brace etc. etc.
Now, I may very well be a total pussy.
I know I am nowhere near as tough as someone like Deion Sanders, who even as a grown man was afraid to tackle anyone, and I mean anyone? But Deion since he retired must have gotten some serious testosterone, because he’s calling out Jay Cutler.
So is Mark Schlereth, another former player whose corpse we would have to carry off the field because he also is so much tougher than Jay Cutler.
Mark is so tough, that he sells his recipe for chilli on his own website.
That’s a surefire way to tell how tough someone is, when they start their own website, and also say out loud, “I love cooking chilli so much, I think I might make it, and package it, and sell it on the internet”.
That’s a man right there, or Rachel Ray.
That one’s a gray area.
Mark though must be tough, he’s had 20 knee operations?
That’s like 14 more than an old lady I know, who still goes skiing every year.
Now I’ve never had 20 knee operations, so I’m no expert on toughness.
I have played with a torn rotator cuff for the last 7-9 years depending on exactly when it started to tear, and when it completely tore.
I’ve never actually got it operated on, so that disqualifies me as far as toughness goes.
I did use my other good shoulder to carry a washer and dryer set through a house, and load into the back of my truck all by myself with nohand cart, but that’s not chilli over the internet tough.
Mark was also an offensive lineman, and wore braces on each knee. He had to cut and plant so much more than a QB with no offensive line would.
Lineman in Denver’s scheme did all kinds of cutting, changing directions, and running around.
Guys like Maurice Jones Drew, and Asante Samuel, they know all about tough.
Cutler, on the other hand, I don’t think even knows what it feel like to get hit.
He was a quarterback at Vanderbilt, a team that I believe dominates the SEC, so I doubt he ever got hit much while he was there.
His Denver teams had killer offensive lines, that’s why they were so good.
This years Bears team, also was well-known for its offensive line.
So until we know how Jay Cutler can hold up after getting sacked a decent amount of times, lets say 57 or so, let’s hold off on calling him a big pussy.
Until then, we can all get back to doing really manly things, like coming up with great recipes to sell on our websites.
Jay Cutler may be a retard with Diabetes, but he’s no wimp, and considering that the QB of my team has decided that he can no longer stand to even put his uniform back on, I wouldn’t mind seeing Jay under center for my team.
Maybe he could even come up with some savory Cincinnati style chilli recipes and we could sell them online.


January 23, 2011

Being a fan sucks.
Apparently it’s an all or nothing game, and I am destined for the nothing.
Oh How I would love to switch teams completely, and feel what it’s like to win, but I can’t.
It’s ingrained in me, I couldn’t change if I wanted to.
A real fan, is just that, a fanatic and has a deep rooted passion for his team, and that is my glaring fault.
You see, I am a Bengals fan, always have been, and because of how this cruel game works, I always will be.
It’s not just that, my hockey team is terrible, and on the cusp either relocating, or becoming a distant memory, and my Reds, after what seemed like a lifetime of being terrible finally make the playoffs, only to get a grand total of ZERO hits in the first game of a series they were eventually swept in.
Of Course my Buckeyes are dominant in two sports now, but this does not ease my pain.
Our starting Quarterback apparently is demanding the team trades him, or he will retire.
Did I mention this is the worst QB draft class ever?
luckily the Bengals are excellent at drafting players, so this works out perfectly.
Unless this is some ploy to get changes that Palmer has discussed with teammates, I think this is the real deal.
It’s not like with Ocho a few years back, this is your franchise QB. This guy is supposed to lead your team. How does he go back into that locker room?
So if he’s gone, then what?
Jake Locker, whom is at best a less athletic Tim Tebow, or some turd from Missouri in the draft? Please not Cam newton?
I think we have to say goodbye at this point.
I see only two options that give Bengals fans any shot at happiness in the world of sports, not counting the fantasy that the Colts trade Peyton Manning, or the Steelers trade Therapist.
Here they be.
Stick with the plan from a week ago, draft a pass rusher with the 4th pick, get O-lineman after that, and hopefully we can get a decent pick for Carson, and take our chances with the greatest College QB of all time Dan Lefevour. It either works swimmingly, or we get the number 1 overall pick next year, and Andrew Luck becomes the next Heisman winning QB we ruin.
Mike Brown, and all of his spawns are driving across the country in used RV (we know he’s not paying sticker price for new), a satellite falls out of orbit and crushes them and the smashed metal bursts into flames, falls off a cliff into a lagoon filled with sharks with freaking lasers on their heads.
Then, after the funerals, it is discovered that the only living descendant of Paul Brown (and the new owner of the Bengals) is either myself, or Bill Belicheck.
I’ll be happy either way, and looking into the reality of life as a Bengals fan, this is most likely the only way I will be happy.

Operation Global Warming

January 21, 2011

So I find myself in a bit of a pickle.
After we poured my foundation walls, the weather in these parts got, how should I say this? Shitty.
And by shitty, I mean cold.
So instead of sending out the plumber to put all the under the slab plumbing in, and then waiting for the weather to be nice one day here or there so we could pour the basement floor, we pressed on and decided we could just pump the concrete in through the big basement window.
We had budgeted for the pump so, no big deal.
Well all was going according to plan for the most part, house is framed, windows and doors are in, next step is the plumbing rough-in.
Thats where life has gotten a little tricky.
With the exception of one day here or there, it’s been for the most part really damn cold.
Couple that with the fact that I won’t have permanent electricity on site until later this week, which means I have no constant way to keep water from getting in around the foundation, I have instead of just water, a shitload of ice.
How much ice?
Really not sure at this point, but some time Saturday I hope to know for sure.
I am launching what I am calling until i find a better name “Operation Global Warming”
This will be much more centralized than my previous attempts Global Warming terrorism, mainly inside the basement of a house under construction, and any collateral areas.
The plan is this. Thaw out all the ice in my basement, kick on a gas powered pump, drain the water into my shiny new septic tank, install below ground plumbing including a sump pit, hook up electricity, install sump pump, and not burn down the new house.
Once that happens, any water that tries to get in, gets pumped right back out, and the concrete can be poured whenever I get the itch.
Of course 90% of that sentence should actually be very easy, the first part may prove itself difficult.
I’ve had two half-assed attempts at thawing out the basement, and all they did I think is make the ice stronger (Zamboni effect) and make me consider skipping the bar in the basement and going hockey rink instead.
This time, I am going no-prisoners on the ice/water.
I am going to use several propane tank top heaters (because of the current lack of electricity, and the distance between my house and the nearest electricity), one huge Space heater with a generator, and maybe one or two “controlled burns” or what scientists call puddles of gasoline I may light on fire.
I’m going to hold off on the Canadian fireworks display unless I have to, and in place of dumping gasoline on ice patches and lighting it, i will be drinking Canadian beer, which should have the same effect.
What I hope to accomplish is that between the estimated 9 million BTU’s of heat, and the Canadian beer I will be making short work of the ice, with just enough gasoline left over to fire up the pump, and the basement will be warm and dry, and we can keep right on building.
The various heating elements should have an obvious effect on things, but what I am hoping to stumble on with the Canadian beer is what I call the reverse Carona effect.
In summer time, people for some reason drink Carona even though it is bottled donkey piss, and they have a good time.
The reverse must be true of Canadian beer when the temperature struggles to hit 20.
Donkey piss cools you off on summer vacation, so Canadian beer must heat things up in the winter time. Right?
Worst case scenario besides the obvious is that the Labatt Blue Girls will come riding up on snow-mobiles and we can go out on my little pond and they teach me how to play Hockey, which if you think about it, ain’t too bad of a deal.
So wish me luck everyone, and keep your eyes on the horizon for a huge smoke cloud, because it’s time to get stupid.
And yes, fear not, I will be down in the basement with all the openings sealed off the entire time, just to make sure everything is melting accordingly.

Calamity Day

January 20, 2011

In my neck of the woods, Schools let out early because of this weeks dose of the white death.
A little premature if you ask me, but we did end up getting a few inches, so whatever.
Apparently these decisions aren’t taken as lightly as they were even a year or two ago.
In the past, Ohio Schools got 5 calmaity days before they had to make up school.
A Calamity day, is for when on a certain day something like a calamity happens, such as shitty weather.
Now it has been reduced to 3 Calamity days per district, before school has to be made up.
Obviously this decision will shoot the American School system way up the standings chart, and I’m sure kids all over Northern europe, and asia are scared to death that the American kids will now be the smartest, since they are going to miss 2 less days of school.
I’m sure the crappy movies they are going to watch that extra day before Christmas break starts, and in the first weeks of June are going to make a huge difference in our kids education.
Fear not teachers, parents who hate their kids, and any real American kid, help is on the way.

It Could Be Worse

January 19, 2011

Bengals fans, rejoice, as bad as things seem with our current owner, they could be oh so much worse.
How could anything be worse than Mike Brown you ask?

At least our owner is still alive by all medical standards, unlike this thing the Raiders fans continue to put up with.
At least our owner is not literally bleeding from the skull as he holds a press conference to hire some guy the Bengals got rid of.

What is more sad, the fact that the Raiders used to be a proud franchise, and Al Davis was a well-respected innovator of modern football, or that we likely won’t get to see too many more awesome Al Davis press conferences?
I’m going with the latter, and I already know I will miss things like this.
Remember when he had the overhead projector showing the letter he sent to Lane Kiffin?
Remember when he said “So you didn’t want to draft JaMarcus Russell, get over it”?
Remember all those times he would respond to same ole question about why he drafted this guy, or that guy, when everyone in the world thought it was hilariously dumb to do so, with the timeless response “because he’s a Raida….”
Remember yesterday, when he called Cam Newton, Kim Newton, repeatedly?
Remember yesterday when he explained why Jason Campbell was so much better of a prospect than Cam, I mean Kim Newton?
Oh how I pray that this years Raiders draft class is as terrible as always, or that Hue Jackson only make sit a year in Oakland, or Al moves the team again, anything, anything that gives us more Al Davis Press conferences.
No matter how good medical science is, Al can’t be around for ever.


January 17, 2011

Has anyone seen any of the people from the commercials where they say “I’m so-and-so, and Windows 7 was my idea?
If so, please let me know, so i can hunt them down like pigs.
Also, if anyone has any special powers that will give Bill Gates venerial disease, that would be great also.
Thanks for the help.


January 17, 2011

So yesterday, we took a family trip into the outside world, to get a peek at some of the large appliances we have been pricing around on one of the internets, and to buy some shoes for our soon to be 3 year old son.
The appliance thing was a total fail, partly because our soon to be 3 year old son was with us, and couldn’t make up his mind whether he wanted to race through the store screaming, or open every oven door to every appliance in the store.
Actually, it was a fifty/fifty mix between our son being nearly 3 years old, and us not knowing any better at this point than to take him out in public.
We then went and bought shoes for our son, who up to this point has refused to wear any shoe other than the exact same pair of white Nikes with Blue swoosh that was his first pair of shoes. Now he just wears a bigger version of the same shoe, over, and over.
This was a specialty shoe store, with no white nikes with a blue swoosh, so we thought we would outsmart him.
He had his pick of all the shoes in the store in his size, which was about 20 different pairs.
He of course picked a plain white pair of shoes that was as close to his white Nike’s as he could find, and may or may not have been made to go with a baptism outfit.
So we made him pick again, and he picked the only pair in his size that was lace up, and not velcro.
Lucky for us, he refuses to wear the new shoes, so we won’t be messing with laces any time soon, and should be going back to Kohl’s to buy the same white Nike’s we always buy.
My kid needs an intervention, as he is turning into Rainman.
But this was not the big problem I saw.
As we were leaving with the soon to be returned $46 kids shoes, we noticed a small line of people forming.
We decided to take a look, and it turned out to be a reasonably long line, mostly with people in Ohio State gear.
From the amount of people, I was expecting it to be someone awesome.
The sign at the front of the line said…
TODAY 4 to 6 pm
Dane Sanzenbacher,
Devin Barclay
What the hell people?
I like Dane Sanzenbacher, and I don’t hate the other guy but come on, waiting in line for 2 hours to get a 22 year old kid to sign something for you?
Why not just wait 3 years, and you can buy a car, or insurance from either of them?
In a just world, everyone of those losers in line would magically get a hooker, finally get laid, and all their troubles would go away.
If I ever wait in line for an average legged 26 year old College kicker, and an undersized white possession receiver to sign an 8×10, skip the intervention, adn either buy me a hooker, or shoot me in the head.