A Debate Worth Coming Back For

August 7, 2011

It’s been a busy past several months for me, so the blog has obviously suffered. I’ve been working a full time job, raising a family, and also spending pretty much every waking moment building a house for said family to live in, so there hasn’t been a whole lotta free time.
Thanks to our family’s most recent bout witht the stomache flu, I have a little time off. Also thanks to the flu, I’ve come up with a new debate. And since the house is almost finished, the mind numbingly stupid musings should start to appear more and more frquently around these parts.
So lets begin.
Is there a difference between spitting up, and vomitting?
Now, when you include babies into this debate, you will quickly see two sides form.
One side being Mothers, the other every other person on the planet.
Don’t get me wrong, when you find yourself cleaning it up a dozen times a day, it makes you feel slightly better about your place in life to consider it spit-up, and not puke, but even that only gets you so far.
Obviously a mother will always say her baby has “spit-up” any time something is projected from the childs mouth. However, this logic no matter how good hearted it is in nature has some major flaws, which I plan to address in full.
First, low long does it have to be down before it moves from “spit-up” to full-on puke?
Nobody has ever given me a clear time frame for the ammount of time the food has to be down, and I don’t accept gray areas as anythign to base anything off of. Even if it is only down for less than a minute, and comes out with a burp, and not a violent heaving that adults experience, it is no different than puke. Young children have almost no development in what we call the “core muscles”. Try to make a baby do sit-ups, they can’t. So if there are no abdominal muscles, there isn’t going to be excessive heaving like what a sorority slut will have after an entire box of wine.
So that little feature of the spit-up debate has been shot down, lets tackle the time frame  dillema. A baby “spitting-up” breast milk/formula after less than a minute is still puke. Why?
Well, in my younger days, I would from time to time use a neat little contraption called a beer bong.
It’s very refreshing, a great way to streamline the nurishment that comes with drinking beer, and it simply gets you really drunk, really fast. From time to time, I would puke within seconds of bonging, or shotgunning a beer. I dare someone to watch a college kid bong a beer then immediately puke, and still call it “spit-up”.
Based on this, there is no set time limit for how long the food/liquid needs to be down before it switches from “spit-up” to puke, the time frame myth has now been debunked.
One down.
Another issue mothers seem to grasp to is that babies only eat one thing mostly. Either breast milk, or formula (or in SEC country Mt Dew.).
This one is also very easy to shoot down.
Lets say I have a lot to do, and don’t take time to eat anything, before taking some time to relax. I enjoy drinking scotch, as well as bourbon.
If I decied to have a little to much of either Scotch or Bourbon, with nothing else in my stomache, it’s no stretch to say that I am going to puke, which happens to the best of us. So if I drink nothing but Makers Mark on the rocks until I puke, and you use the same logic mothers use with babies only having milk=spitting up, did I puke, or do I fit into the magical “spitting-up” column?
I’m going to go ahead and cross that one off as well.
So lets take on the “it comes up when they burp” legend.
So simple to shoot this one down. Spend some time with a raging drunk, and this one is shot down in no time.
Make someone who is blind-stinking-drunk play a hand or two of cards, or something where they can’t get up to sober up, and keep them drinking. In almost no time at all, they will try to burp, and a huge mess ensues.
Now, if you see this happen, and say that this person has “spit-up”, you’ve got a major problem, and need help.
I realize it’s a parenting instinct to say “spit-up” when our children puke, but lets be honest, puke is puke.
If we are waiting for a baby to toss up half chewed french fries and Bud light before we call it puke, we’re only kidding ourselves.
There is no ammountof time it needs to be down, no determining make-up of what comes out, nor is there a method in which it comes flying out to make it anything but puke.
No matter how cute the kid is, or how often they do it, it can be summed up as simple as this.
If food/liquid/bodily-fluid comes flying out the way it came in, then it is puke.
Plain, and simple.


One Response to “A Debate Worth Coming Back For”

  1. Anonymous said

    All the shit going on, and this is what you write for the last two months?

    Weak Sauce!

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