I’m Baaaaack!

March 31, 2008

Forgive the delay, loyal blog readers. The last few days have been a bit of an adjustment period. Maybe it’s the anticipation of Opening Day, maybe it’s my body adjusting to only a couple hours of sleep at a time, either way, I’m back in action. However, I do have some bad news.

My nearly 29 year long streak of only wiping my own ass, is no more. In fact, it’s a distant memory. I think a great way for one to judge how well of a life they lived, when it comes time to reflect, is to add up how many different asses they wiped in their life. I’d have to set the bar at like 5 asses total. Anything more, and you might as well have lived your life as a Mormon. Figure 2.3 kids, as defined by the American dream, will need your assistance in that department. Obviously yourself would count as one, and then your spouse and one elderly parent. Just one though, this would give your parents incentive to try and out do each-other by buying you cool stuff, as you get older in life.  spoiling does not have to stop at puberty. One could always cut one of the above out, and save a roster spot for a hot celebrity, whom you may miraculously luck into being able to bang, because they are completely wasted, and may have had an accident. It’s your call. This guideline would pretty much eliminate anyone in the health care prefession, but hey, if they want to go to college for 4 plus years to wipe asses, that’s their call. Special thanks to all the health care professionals who brought my son into this world. Now go wash your hands.

Opening day, the holiest of days. A day when everyone at your office knows you blew off work to start drinking at 10:00 a.m. and will likely have to call in sick on tuesday. Nothing beats a 3rd inning phone call to someone less fortunate, with organ music in the background. The ole hot dog/beer per inning game looms on the horizon. As we speak, everyones team is in first place. By this time monday, half the teams will already be looking to scrap veterans. Opening day is a day when you can actually find hot chicks at a baseball game, and none of them are being payed hourly by A-Rod. I gotta say the Reds are looking good this year. I know I say it every year, but this is the year. So everyone crack open a $7.00 beer, throw on a hat, and lets play ball!

Who’s your Daddy?

March 25, 2008

If your name is Dylan Christopher Thomas, the answer is ME!!!!!

He weighed 7 lbs. 10 oz. and 19 inches long, when he was born. Everyone is doing great. We’ll be uploading the blog with lots of cool pics, of my new main man, once we all come home. If you have a daughter between the ages of 0-5 years old, and would like to apply for an arranged marriage, please post pics, and what you are willing to throw in. Wedding will be at the pond in 20 or so years, I’ll bring the beer! Gotta o and see how my wife and kid are doing. Yeah that’s right, I got a kid.

Hunting for storks

March 22, 2008

So here we sit, less than 48 hours to the predicted due date, and no baby in sight. Well, I do see something in my wifes belly, but I cook most of the time, so that could explain the bulge. No she really is prego, we have a nursery, we had baby showers, she’s even on maternity leave. It’s only a matter of time. The real concern is not wether the baby will arrive, that’s inevitable, but whether, or not it will arrive before my self imposed deadline for going to opening day. I could be left with making a crucial decision. The way I see it, I have 3 options. First, be that guy who makes his wife get induced, scheduled around a sporting event. We’ve all read or heard about these guys on the radio. Recently a Chicago bears fan’s wife got induced early so he could catch a bears game. I figure the actual deadline is wednesday. That gives the three of us our normal time in the hospital, plus a couple of days to adjust to life at home with the baby, before I skip town. I’d be more than happy to watch the reds on t.v. In fact the last year I saw opening day on t.v. was also the last year they were in the playoff hunt. I could also give the tickets away, and be the loving supportive husband and father I should be. What will Griffey think? Finally I could just skip town, leave my wife in the good hands of the staff of riverside hospital, maybe even buy her a hat or something. I doubt that’s really an option. At this point, all I care about is that everyone is happy and healthy. I do have DVR. Plus giving away opening day tickets, to be with my wife/newborn child would make me the instant favorite for father of the year, in my rookie season. I could be the Ichiro of parenting. So looks like if no baby news before wednesday, I’m gonna sit this one out. That would give me an early start on warping my future son/daughter into a Reds fan.

This week Authorities in Marietta OH arrested five suspects for selling and posessing crack cocaine. What’s so special about that you ask? It was on St. patricks day, and they were selling green crack.  http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2008/03/20/green.html?sid=101 Finally, our felonious narcotics are part of the holiday season. Though I’m not in favor of rampant drug use, I do like to see everyone get into the holiday spirit. Think of the added boost to the economy. Heroin addicts could shoot up with candy cane needles all december long. In July meth labs could be equipped with colored phosphorous, so when they catch fire, the whole trailer park could enjoy a fireworks display. The possibillities are endless. I imagine arbor day and earth day would be about the same.

Speacial thanks to Mississippi Valley state for only scoring 29 points, proving why big confrence bubble teams should get in ahead of schools jerry rice went to. Can’t even score 15 a half. I imagine OSU, Syracuse, Maryland, and ASU could have at least beat the spread. Oh well, I still got the madness, and have decided to compile a list of excuses to get out of work to watch basketball two days in a row. It may be a little late, but feel free to use them next year.

1. I have to try and stop my old lady from getting an abortion. (one of my employees used this on a random day, he got the day off paid in full for best redneck excuse ever)

2. I’m getting a vascectomy (nobody will check on this one)

3. President Nader has appointed me secretary of the interior.

4. I’m volunteering at habitats for humanity. (only an asshole would lie about this)

5. My house burnt down, again.

6. I have AIDs, and really need to get a hold of my High school gym teacher, to let him/her know.

7. I have to film a paternity test results show on Maury Povich

8. Jury Duty

9. I’m being extradited to Thailand, for child prostitution charges.

10. I have a new breed of crabs, and the doctor says I should avoid human contact for at least 48 hours after i burn off all my pubes.

your welcome everybody.

Spring is here

March 21, 2008

According to the calendars, and the old popes, spring has arrived! The real thing to brighten everyones day, of course the NCAA tourney. This is the best four day stretch in all of sports, and maybe the best four day stretch of the year. Two days of non-stop basketball from lunch to last call, folowed by two more full days of slightly more competitive games. Hope everyone has some great excuses for skipping work, or enough freedom to take time and enjoy the glorious tourney magic. Lucky for me, my boss forgot that last year my excuse was cause I had to get a vascectomy, that coulda been awkward. Pretty straight forward so far, Duke and Xavier might have scared some folks, but the night is still young. Speaking of which, does anyone else think all the white guys on Wisconsin look like German badguys from the movies. I like Bo Ryan and all, but do you really need four white SS agents pulling down rebounds. Lets get these boys some grecian formula or something.

Rejoice everyone! Rejoice! Terrell Pryor has chosen the buckeyes! We’ll be undefeated for like the next century now! Even though everyone knew he was going to choose OSU, as everyone of his friends, family, and coaches pretty much confirmed this, he still got to have his own press confrence. As long as he can learn some humility, and keep his name out of the news for off field stuff, fights, girls, academics, laws, and corvette’s, he’ll fit in just fine. The real news is Michigan putting all their eggs in his basket, and now being fucked. Word is the UM football program will disband any mnute now. Most of their starters will either audition for American Idol, or work at the flint kewpee. I realize he was an electrifying high school player, and has endless potential, but tress needs to be real careful with this cat. Yeah he’s really fast, but so is Chris Wells. Everytime he carries the ball, that’s one less carry for Beanie. Every time he passes the ball, one less pass for todd boekman, who with a year under his belt, could have a monster year. I do look forward to Pryor and saine running options around the corner. OSU needs to copy the way urban meyer used pee drinking Tim Tebow as a frosh, and all will be well. Get creative, but let the studs do the legwork until he gets his feet wet. Good luck terrell, may the force be with you, and stop worrying about the NFL and the NBA, start worrying about where to park your vette on campus.

Since the NCAA tourney is upon us, and CBS has all the coverage locked down. Lets not forget about the NIT teams, and of course the broadcasters and their networks. No mussberger doesn’t get to just sit around bars all day waiting for football season, he still has to work. that’s why I’m proud to announce I’ve included the ESPN broadcasting team in this weeks edition of “Who would you rather bang?”

Erin Andrews vs. Steve Lavin’s wife

Miss Andrews was voted playboys sexiest sideline girl, and who can argue. http://ballsiest.com/sportsblog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/erin-andrews.jpg nobody wears a sweater like miss andrews. A hot young dish from the deep south, she was a sorority sister at the university of Florida, so she’s probably easy, and may have crabs. Either way, it’s hard to argue against this former UF Dance Team member. Whether it’s fighting off the advances of 19 year old boys, or flirting with herbstreit, Erin never misses a step. She sports a rockin body http://www.redsoxtimes.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/erinandrews.jpg and you know she likes sports. Plus she can get tickets to just about any sporting event worth watching.

Mary (new wife of steve) Lavin, sports a whole different kind of sexy. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1706025/mediaindex Not a whole lot is known about her, except she’s from flint michigan, so you know she likes kewpee, and thus is also probably easy. Her husband is weird looking and uses more hair gel than an 8th grade glee club, so she may be a gold digger, but hey it’s who would you rather bang? not who would you rather buy a mercedes for? This caramel skinned honey gets a few extra points for that ever classy upper boob tatoo http://www.faniq.com/blog/College-Hoops-Hot-Coachs-Wife-Index-Is-The-New-RPI-Blog-6940 which proves the theory on kewpee/easiness. Whether you call it cleavage ink, or an alabaman birthmark, that is one nice boob tatoo.

Our candidates have pleaded their case, wether it’s the hot blonde with the sometimes big southern hair, or the spicy burnette with the questionable choice of wedding dress, this could be a barnburner. Without further delay, let the voting begin.

N.I.T.

March 19, 2008

Yeah, the bucks are in the NIT, but they won big. Taking down UNC Asheville and their      7′ 7″ center Kenny George. It’s exciting to see the bucks still playing, and racking up a few more wins. Jamar Butler recorded his 100th win as a Buckeye, so congrats to the pride of shawnee. Rumor has it he is going to celebrate the win with some of his High school pals, they’re all gonna go to godfathers Pizza and get beat up. It’s a special night for me as i got to watch the Buckeyes win, I’m watching the Blue Jackets win in HD, and I got to go to the Lizard for wing night. My wife even went, she’s drinking for two.

Does everyone have their brackets filled out? If not here’s some tips, sure to go wrong. For some reason a week ago, no analysts were picking kansas, now everyone is. This pisses me off sice I’ve picked them all year long, and am starting to wonder if I need to switch. Picking #1 seeds is your best bet. Everyone likes to remember the upsets, but they are more common in the middle ranked seeds, and usually are off-set in the next round. Your best bet is to pick 3, 1’s and a 2 seed to make the final four. Picking the winner is the Key. Do this first, and build your bracket around it. if you are trying to decide the winner from 2 or 4 teams, thanks for your cash. If your winner is in the final game, you’ll still be in the money most likely, going into the final game. As for the Dark-horses, be careful. Everyone wants to take Clemson, and Pitt, as teams to keep an eye on. Nope. neither team translates to tourney play. pitt is too physical, and in the tourney will be in foul trouble early. Another popular team is USC, I’m going with Honey (bill walker) and the Beaze and KSU taking them out in round 1. The real team to watch is Wisconsin. I’ll drop my Badger bashing for a few weeks, cause they can D up the perimeter, and bang around down low on defense, which will keep them in every game.  All in all, if you have Kansas, UCLA, UNC or Texas winning it all, you’ve got a shot, but hey, what the hell do I know.

Since everyone seems to love my profiling skills so much. I thought I’d post a segment from my upcoming book ‘Are you a Douche-bag, and where’s my beer?’ Usually I resort to profiling people by sex, race, religion, nationality, and where you live, but lately I’ve decided to chronicle the multiple types of Douche-bag, to better serve mankind. this is a segment from chapter 4 titled ‘Sell-outs’

One true sign that you may be a douche, is if you refer to people or things as sell-outs, on a daily basis. We all know the type, more often then not wearing square rimmed glasses, faux thrift store jeans, and a Ramones, or Che Guevera t-shirt. this guy wants to fit in sooo bad, but tries with all his or her might to avoiding “conforming”. Even though that’s what they do their whole life. They love to listen to small, un-signed bands, or bands that are just getting their first break. When one of these bands gains main stream popularity, they feel betrayed. They will say things like I was a fan of ‘The Killers’ before they sold-out” Even though all bands with any chance at fame, are doing it for just that, they still don’t understand why they stopped playing at the progressive cafe down the street, and moved to L.A. As a Douche-bag, it’s crazy important to like things before everyone else does, and then stop liking things once it’s popular. It’s not just bands either. Politicians, actors, and even farm animals can all fall victim to “selling-out” in these people eyes. There is a fine line however. Athletes from a certain state, who go to college somewhere else, or athletes who demand a trade, can be sell-outs without making you a douche-bag for thinking so, so be careful. Next time you here somebody say “I liked UFC before it sold out” fear not, you’ve got a douche-bag on your hands.

and finally chapter 3, Beer snob Douche bag.

He’ll be at most bars, usually drinking Becks, Labatt, Molson, or Fosters. Sometimes it’s another beer, but these are the most commonly drank by beer snob douche. He’s the guy, who makes comments about the others drinking Bud Light, Coors Light, or Miller Light. He’ll make comments about ‘drinking water’ or ‘piss’ while trying to show off to the skanky bartender. What he doesn’t know is that even though your “american” beer, has 1/10th of a percent of alcohol less than his beer, you’ll drink like 12 and he’ll have 2, while making bitter beer face after every sip. One way to fight this guy off is to put in a dip, and chug a Guinness, another is to kick him in the balls. You can also take comfort in knowing you miller lite is delivered twice a week, his Olde style or Blatz has been sitting there since barbaro was running strong. Why is it that people think they are cool for drinking beers just as shitty as yours? Nobody knows. Drink whatever beer you want. If most nights you drink an import heffe weissen, but tonight you feel like a bud light, good for you. Don’t let somebody in corduroy blazer tell you different. Go ahead and order a coors light or a PBR, and remember, all the canadian beers in the world can’t save some people from being a douche-bag.

Jackets win! It took 59 minutes but the fight finally came. Jason Chimera, and Jared Bolle are bad asses. Suck my balls calgary.

Waiting

March 18, 2008

So still no baby, and here we wait. Rudi is getting rather inpatient, but screw him. The actual due date is just under a week away, so we could be waiting a while. It’s kinda like waiting to go to jail. Until you go, there’s no way to know how it’s gonna work out. It could be awesome, and totally fun, like Otis on the Andy Griffith show. Punch out a couple of one liner’s, take a nap, and sherrif Taylor lets you out on his way home for sunday dinner, and everyone lives happily ever after. On the other hand it could be like the show Oz, where everyone divides up into gangs (I got dibs on the nation of islam), it’s long, it’s scary, and somenody is either gonna get shanked, or raped in the shower. My money is on the shanking. Either way neither one of us knows what to expect, we just have to wait until it all starts, and then there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. We’re both pretty excited, so don’t get all bent out of shape about the jail remarks, that’s just how I work. I’m pretty stoked about being a dad. I’m gonna get online and buy some ‘Worlds best dad’ shit, and wear it pretty much everywhere.

So OSU is out of the big dance. Oh well, it wasn’t meant to be. They didn’t win the games they needed to, even though despite their tough schedule, they were still in contention most of the game in all the games but two. At least we have American and Drake to root for. This could actually be a major coup for buckeye nation as a whole. Instead of OSU busting their ass, only to finish 2nd, and get ridiculed by the rest of the nation (even though those making the jokes, can only dream of achieving OSU status). This gives us a chance at not finishing 2nd. In just over a year the Ohio teams have finished 2nd in NCAA football twice, basketball once, the NBA, Arena football, major league lacrosse, the American League baseball, and NCAA soccer. We’re in the shittier tourney now, and we’re the belle of the ball.  We didn’t really have a shot to win it all anyway. It’s like being at a bar, and deciding between hitting on a semi-decent chick who’s about a 6, but has some flaws, but ya know you’ll score easilly, you just have to find a way to get rid of her later. Or, you can throw all the cards on the table, and go after the 10, pretty much certain you’re gonna get shot down, but if you should score, you’ll be a legend. So here we are all of buckey nation, laying in bed with the fat chick, and it aint all that bad.

Speaking of bars. Happy St. Patricks day everyone. I know it’s a bit of a cliche, white folks living it up, irish or not, drinking in packed bars while listening to the Drop-kick murphy’s, who are one of the greatest bands of all time. It’s a scenario everyone should enjoy. Don’t let anyone try to fool ya, st. paddy’s day is one of the best days of the year, should you celebrate it right. All the ritual’s that we associate with it are great all year long. It’s not that often the dive bar down the street is over capacity, and yes all bars should play the murphy’s year round. But there are a few things you need to watch out for before you hit the town.

First off, the hard ass, anti-scoial whose actually too cool for the irish bar scene. We all know the type, big, over weight, closely shaved head, who follows his friends around, trying dearly to maintian his thug appearance. It’s easy to mistake these guys as part mexican, sometimes they are, but usually they are just poor white dudes with a goatee. This guy will usually stand around following his friends, staring off into the crowd. Why isn’t he drinking enjoying the day? Because he’s poor, and pissed off about the 5 dollar cover, and the fact that his buddies are all gonna score, while he’s gonna have to resort to going back to his mom’s basement, jacking-off to girls gone wild commercials, before passing out while watching scarface for the 278th time. If you ever go out in lima, you’ll surely run into this guy. Look out for him, as after 6 shots and five Guinness’, you may feel hard core, but one punch from this pudgeball will end your night, faster than 6 hour old chicken wings.

Our next person to look out for on St. Paddy’s day, is way less intimidating, but twice as dangerous. She’s at every bar with an Irish sounding name tonight. The chick completely decked out in St. Patricks day gear. Sometimes it’s hard to decipher the difference between just dressing the part, and one time psycho drunk slut. The differences are subtle, yet clear. A green shirt is standard, when it’s paired with green socks, under a short skirt, green beads, green hair accessories and the ever present shamrock temporary tatoo on the cheek, you’re in grave danger. She may seem wild and fun tonight, you’ll likely even score, but the walk of shame was invented by this chick. Drive around any campus around 8 a.m. tomorow, you’ll see her, walking down the street still with all the green clothes, usually carrying some of them, temp. tatoo all smeared on her face, contemplating suicide. This crazy chick may be an easy score, but she’ll ruin your life faster than an STD. Ever see that dude with something like ‘asshole’ written in lipstick on his car? That was put there by wild crazy St. Patricks day chick. She also invented the ‘fake pregnancy’. Sometimes she’ll be a hot 20 something, other times she’ll be a 36 year old cougar looking for a rebound. Beware.

Finally, the one guy everyone wants to kick in the nuts, but in a drunken stooper may turn into. The guy who shops for Irish gear staring on march 18th. He might buy new light up beer mug necklaces, becauses he’s afraid the ones from last years battery might run out. His favorites are shirts that say something gay like, ‘Blow me I’m Irish’ or ‘Want some irish in ya?’ Maybe the shirt will be a little more subtle, but look for it. He was likely raised by a part irish father, who raved about how cool the irish are, in between sessions of beating his wife. Tales of super drinking skills, and a wild irish temper have greatly inflated this guys sense of coolness. If you’re friends with this guy, abort now. Maybe even try to bang his mom, she’ll either be unhappily married, or a recently divorced cougar who is now crazy st. patrick’s day chick, in which case rule number two does not apply, because it makes a great story. Besides the t-shirt he’ll be the one passing out the green beads to the crazy chicks, while drinking green miller light, because he can’t handle whiskey, and guinness gives him the runs, and he’s watching his carbs. As cool as this guy may seem tonight, on the way home all the hot girls will be making jokes about him. Any assosciation with him will doom you.  The best way to distance yourself from this guy, and his cloud-O-douche is to pull one of the girls he just gave a bead to aside, make a witty remark about how irish guys are all lazy and homeless, buy her a shot, and take her to a different bar, assuming she’s not crazy st. paddy’s day chick. Good luck everyone, and remember, tonight’s the night for everyone to be irish, but welsh dudes are cool year round.

Quickie

March 14, 2008

O.K. somebody please get the NCAA officials under control. For some reason, todays refs feel they need to be as big a part of the game, as the players. It all started a week ago with the antics of the PAC-10 refs, who’s mind numbingly bad calls put the bracket rankings in flux. Today’s big ten tourney was no better. First Bo Ryan, who may be the classiest coach you’ll ever meet, picked up a Technical for yelling at one of his own players, Brian Butch. Today during the Buckeyes vs. Spartans matchup they kicked it up a notch. MSU went the whole first half without shooting a free throw. Tom Izzo was about to pop, lucky for him, they decided to make it up a little. After tying the game, things got a little crazy. In the span of about 1 minute, the Buckeyes picked up 4 fouls and a technical. Koufos got three fouls, two of which were absolute jokes, Othello Hunter picked up a foul under the basket, on a play that went un-called several times in the first half. After the foul he put his hand up and yelled “No!” This of course drew a Technical. OSU’s defense had held MSU scoreless for several minutes prior to this nonsense. Just in time the refs decided they had took it a little far, calling a charge on MSU, despite the fact that OSU’s David Lighty was standing directly under the basket. I’m not saying the refs cost OSU the game, that would be Drew Neitzel going ape shit, but a game that was tied became an 8 point lead for sparty. Someone needs to step in during timeouts and calm these refs down, and remind them that the players are more than capable of deciding the outcome themselves. Instead of seeing two equally matched teams go at it, we have to include the mood of the officials into the equation. It’s almost like baseball season is already here, with the umpires rabbit ears moving to the hard wood.

March Madness

March 14, 2008

It’s here, and I got it bad. The weather is finally in the 60’s and theres a full slate of HD Basketball on all day. Does it get any better than this? Throw in the NFL draft, and free agent news, and upcoming baseball season, along with the final NHL playoff push, it’s the greatest sports time of the year. We’ve all seen the stats on how much money is lost due to lack of productivity during march madness, but what about beer sales, and gambling, and business increases at sports bars? This time of the year makes me proud to be an American, and a thirsty one at that. With this wonderful season comes a few downfalls. Take the NCAA basketball awards. Tyler Hansbrough is pretty much sweeping the player of the year awards, which makes me want to puke. Let me go on record that Tyler Hansbrough is a no talent ass clown, who gets away with too many fouls. Since he wears the Carolina blue he gets all the credit and then some, while the real best player gets totally shafted. Michael Beasley is far and away better at basketball, and way less gay as well. While Beasley will have a long career in the NBA, Hansbrough is destined for a career of doing hyundai adds all over the Carolina’s. Last year everybody was sold on Kevin Durant as player of the year, which he deserved, if Oden had played at full strength all season it would have been a different story. This year, KSU’s star player has stats just as good, averaging 26 and 12 a game, and pretty much carrying his team on his back. But everyone loves Tyler.

The other ass chapping factor of early march is the low level teams getting into the tourney. I know everyone loves the little guys, busting up the party. Not if you bet on the games you don’t. how many Brackets get destroyed because Vermont goes ape shit from three point land? It’s just not fair. Take this season for example. Normal upper seeds like maryland, kentucky, florida, Ohio State, and Syracuse are all on the verge of getting kept out of the tourney, so we can have both Gonzaga, and the University of San Diego. Meanwhile we make spots for squads like sienna, drake, Mt. St. mary’s, and Sacred heart. I enjoy watching last second heroics from teams like Valpo as much as the next guy, but all these teams that just barely miss the cut would be at worst 12 seeds, do we really need all the shithole teams with no chance? Lets just make it the top 64 teams and let them go at it. I doubt OSU could go very far against the teams with big men down low, but does anybody think they couldn’t give a perimeter team like Duke a run?

Good news Reds fans! Remeber Josh Hamilton, that budding future star with limitless potential, that Brain dead Wayne Krivsky traded for a couple of nobody pitchers? Yeah he leads all players in RBI’s this spring, and is hitting the shit out of the ball. Yeah!!! Oh well, I’m sure the middle reliever we got from Colorado will make one bad-assed number 4 starter.

Thanks to all who contributed to the master list of best comedies, feel free to keep adding. I’m still a little pissed about forgetting Jackass, and Office space, but this blog is pretty worthless anywho. It’s time for the much anticipated new log site first edition of the ever exciting, “Who would you rather bang?” We take a little bit out of the Headlines, both new and old for this weeks matchup.

Former NY Governor Elliot Spitzer’s hooker who’s name is either Ashley Alexandra Dupre, or Ashley Youmans, no word on if she is jermaine’s little sis or not, but her callgirl name is ‘Kristen’ and she’s smokin hot. http://www.holytaco.com/2008/03/12/creepy-or-sexy-eliot-spitzers-whore/ she’s not all tanlines and camel toe though, she cleans up pretty nice http://www.chickipedia.com/Ashley_Alexandra_Dupre Apparently she only allows pictures one day a year, but she knocks them out of the park. She apparently is a former runaway, so she’d probably do ya for a sleeping bag, or some pizza rolls, and maybe a little blow. Her only downfall may be her price, somewhere in the ballpark of just under 5 grand an hour, but ‘hey’ the contest is who would you rather bang, not who would you rather take on a five hour date.

her opponent, is no stranger to sex scandals either. Anyone remember that hot assed, batshit crazy teacher who hooked up with a 14 year old student, Debra Lafave? I do. She may be totally nuts, maybe she was sexually assaulted as a youth, like she says, who knows, who cares? All I do know is this, she’s not to hard on the eyes. http://www.chickipedia.com/Debra_LaFave Plus we know she spent a lot of money on defense attorney’s and isn’t allowed to make money off a book, so she’s got to be hurting for cash, which levels the field with her opponent. Her excuse was she was an alchoholic, so you might have a chance, just bring a bottle of sour apple martini’s and let the good times roll.

Both opponents have made their case, one likes young black kids, the other likes politicians, which rules me out for both, but god willing someday I’ll be a young black boy. Which would you rather bang my friends?

Welcome aboard

March 13, 2008

Just in time for the Confrence tourney’s I’m writing shit on a new site. Apparently I’ll be able to post more pics, and get more google hits here, so I can finally track down that elusive Bengals/Indians fan, and get him that much needed case of PBR. This could prove to be more difficult now, since my local carry-out stopped selling cases of PBR bottles. I’d like to know what the price of a 12 pk PBR bottles runs in the greater Milwaukee area. I’m trying to figure whether or not I’m being ripped off. Also this blog has spell check, so fuck off. I’ve also learned this particular blog host gets a lot of hits from Canadian strippers, so we’re broadening our horizon’s.

My intelligence has told me the Wisconsin kewpee has been visited by a Lima native, and it passed with flying colors. If it makes anyone feel better, the burger wrapper’s are printed in Lima OH. Details on this breakthrough will follow.

Hope everyone has plenty-o-excuses to get out of work this week, as one of the greatest sports weeks is upon us. NCAA Confrence tourney week. If you were off this afternoon you would have got to see Syracuse shit down their leg. As we speak Marquette is going at it with Seton Hall, odds are a fight is gonna break out in this one, as these teams do not like each-other, with the star guards on each team flat out hating one another. ESPN.com’s poll showed 60% of fans are most excited about the ACC tourney. This matches my poll that 60% of fans are Jack-asses. UNC has that one flat out, beating either Duke, or Miami. The Big East, and Big 12 are the matches to watch. Of course theirs the big Ten which essentially the only thing of any meaning is whether or not Jamar Butler can play well enough for the Buckeyes to sneak in the big dance. More on this later.

Today while driving down the road, and refilling Gatorade bottles, my local sports radio, switched it up a bit. They were reading some magazine’s list of the best comdeies of all time. The list was complete crap, so It’s time to make our own list. Now I’ll do my top 5, plus a few on the outside looking in, and the top comedies in specific categories, everyone else can chime in as well. So here it is, CT’s best comdeies of all time. Feel free to let me know what I may have missed.

Best Eddie Murphy Movie – Coming to America, also a top 10

Best Sports Comedy – Major League, without “Harry Doyle”, it was still a top 5, this character, and the Japanes guy saying the indians are “still shitty” put’s it over the top.

Best Golf Comedy – Happy Gilmore. Bar-none. I know everyone wants to say “wait, what about Caddyshack?” I know. I know. Let me just say this. Caddyshack has nothing on Happy Gilmore. I like Caddyshack, but it could be the most over-rated comedy of all time. For some reason, people feel obligated to give this movie more credit than it deserve’s. I’m not saying it’s not funny, I watch it when it’s on, and may even own it. It’s like the Beatle’s. Everyone feels like they are supposed to love the beatles, and can’t say anything bad about the beatle, even though they clearly suck balls, and had only 2 or 3 decent songs. Caddyshack is funny, but can’t hold a candle to Carl Weathers fake hand, or Bad-assed Bob Barker.

Best “spoof” comedy – Airplane, also a top 10, it was the original spoof, and other than lack of boobies it was perfect, and may be one of the most quoted movies ever.

Here are the finalist’s outside of the top 5 but still within consideration for best comedy ever.

Tommy Boy, Wedding Crasher’s, Anchor Man, Beverly Hills Cop, Super Troopers, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Airplane, Naked Gun, Planes Trains and Automobiles, Groundhog Day, The Jerk, Beerfest, Vacation, Borat, 40 yr. old virgin, Dazed and Confused, Fasttimes at Ridgemont High, Team America World Police, Blacksheep, Ace Ventura, The gift, Brewster’s Millions and maybe a few others.  Without further delay, here are the top 6 best comedies.

6. Blazing Saddles. So good, this movie could not possibly be made in this day and age. Also the winner in the category of best Mel brooke’s movie, and to think, Richard Pryor was originally slated to be the lead role.

5. Old School. This movie had everything, comedy, drama, love, death, suspense, and topless k-y wrestling, not to mention the fact that it’s the most quoted movie since airplane. Nobody watched this movie, and didn’t want to hang out with those guys.

4. Christmas Vacation. Despite having less nudity and profanity than the original, this edition of the Vacation Series blew everyone away. After a lackluster European vacation, the series was thought to be dead, and with the PG-13 rating, and another cast switch-up, it all looked lost. Chevy played his best role ever, and yes my friends…”shitter’s full”

3. Animal House. The original goof-ball comedy for young adults, the bar was set with this flick. You had boobies, booze, and Donald Sutherland’s ass, what more is there? Every gay-assed fraternity since then has tried to copy the Delta house antics, including the Toga party, with no success. Don’t mess with the best my friends.

2. Coming to America. Pure Genius. Proving once again, that when nudity and profanity are involved, Eddie Murphy was the best. Take these two away, and his films go to shit. The barber-shop scene’s alone, where he plays most of the character’s clinch his title as best acter of all time. Throw in the Royal Ball washer’s, a McDonalds Knock-off in Queens, and Soul-Glow, you have movie magic my friends.

1. Billy Madison. Never again will a greater film be made. Vagina Hat Lewis, can only dream of playing this role. Adam Sandler’s role as the title charactor was without flaw. Even without nudity, he still found perfection. Not one scene went by, without a stealabe quote. Everytime I see one of my neighbors going to the mailbox, I say “nudie magazine day!” Not to mention all the other great scenes and great lines in this one. The final 30 minutes of #5 Old School, where they do the College Olympics is a knock-off of Billy Madison’s Apex Scene.

Fin

              

Greener Pastures?

March 11, 2008

Normally I don’t lower myself to responding to comments left on the message boards. Wait, yes I do. So on with the norm. Some comments have been left, mocking our weather. Am I too mature to comment on this? Of course not. First, and foremost, to anyone living in a city that has advertised airfare’s to that city in Feb. Go Fuck yourself. It was 48 here today, so no freezing of mine, or anyone elses ass was taking place. You may have your pick of baseball to watch now, but the real teams will head back east, and up north in about 3 weeks. Yeah we got some snow, but that snow will someday melt, which will then be used to water my grass? What kind of grass do you have in AZ? Oh that’s right, you don’t. In fact since you are down wind of where they tested A-bombs, not much grows at all. It’s funny how people in AZ CA FL etc. talk trash about the weather, but never say much june-august. Why is that? Look you started this T.J. Do you really want me to finish it? I’ll admit, you guys have in-and-out burger and we don’t. Tens of Thousands of buckeyes are jealous of this, but not the weather. If it makes you feel better to talk trash about the weather, go right ahead, just leave your phone on in July, when I call to tell ya about my kid and I selling “lemon” flavored sno-cones to the kids down the street.

I discovered some of the most amazing things the past few days, I nearly shit myself. After shovelling all that “money” out of my driveway this weekend, my back was pretty well trashed. Normally, when my back is out of whack, I have my wife walk on it, which provides limited relief. Since my wife is 9 month’s prego cracking my back is a breeze, and it stays nice and loose all night long (my back, not my wife). I highly recommend everyone hiring a pregnant chick just for this reason. Did you know they sell Bras where the front part lifts up to expose boob? As a perverted man nearly 29 years old, I’m more than a little pissed about just now finding out about this. Apparently it’s for “nursing” or something. Why isn’t this standard on most model’s of bra’s? It could be the best invention since the gameboy, or shot’s with energy drink inside. This would not only help high school boys everywhere, but think of the benefit to chics with saggy boobs. Plus it’s the most time consuming article of clothing to put back on, which would benefit not only high school chicks who’s parents just got home early, but housewive’s, and hookers with afull schedule as well. Inventor of the open front nursing bra, this Bud’s for you.

Posted on Monday, March 10, 2008 at 08:47PM by Registered CommenterCTGOBUCKS | CommentsPost a Comment