Lets Do This

March 12, 2011

I guess it’s time to come out from under the rock, and put my two cents in on the recent events surrounding my Ohio State Buckeyes.
Let me say first, I never agreed with the NCAA rules regarding a player selling his own gear.
Not for these kids, not for A.J. Green, and not for the next one to do it.
That being said, that part is in the past, and rules are rules, even stupid ones, and everyone almost moved on from that whole thing anyway.
Then the Tressel news broke.
This is where the big difference starts.
It’s one thing for kids who may not have known better, may have needed the money, and really should be able to sell the shirt off their back, like all the rest of us.
But again, I digress.
It’s a whole different story though for a long time Coach, who makes millions each year, who does know better, who is supposed to do the right thing, and even writes books about  doing the right thing, and tries to portray an image of honesty, and integrity.
I know why Tress, would try and cover for his players, I may have done the same myself given the chance.
Winning is almost everything these days, and with all that comes with it, covering for 2 star players when you had a good chance at winning a National title may have been worth the risk.
But now we know it wasn’t.
You cannot stand up at a Press Conference and state your disappointment in 5 kids, and say things about making the right choices, when all along you have been covering for at least 2 of them, and did nothing about it.
You can’t let your boss stand in front of the world and make a fool of himself by saying this is an isolated event, and there are no other infractions to come from this, when all the while you know, that you personally are sitting on the biggest one of all.
You can’t let a new book on faith, leadership, and honor hit the shelves, when time and again you have allowed things like this to happen.
You can’t allow someones child, whom you have been honored with the task of looking after, to take a brunt of scrutiny, when you yourself have lied about any knowledge of his actions.
How do you explain your 2 game suspension to the kids who are supposed to miss 5 games? How do you explain it to the parents of the next kid down the line, when you try to get them to OSU?
I love Ohio State, and I love football, but the image portrayed at that Press Conference was disturbing.
The joking, and ass kissing done by Gene Smith, and E. Gordon Ghee was sad to see, and paints a picture that the Football part of OSU Football, is bigger than the OSU part.
It’s possible to be upset with someone, and still like, love, or respect them.
Isn’t that a message we try to teach our children, and the children who attend our university when they make mistakes?
Ohio State, and even it’s Football program is so much more than just one man. For anyone who cares anything about Ohio State, or even just it’s football program, you have to wonder why Jim Tressel was not asked, or forced to step aside, for the greater cause.
I’m not saying he should have been fired, or that he should have resigned, but I think a longer look needed to be taken at those options, and everyone who cares about The Ohio State University, who has any vested interest in it, should have seen this longer look.
All this being said, I see no reason why wins from the 2010 season should be “revoked”.
Not only did the sale of these Jersey’s, rings, etc. have nothing to do with the play on the field, the NCAA already staked their claim that these kids were eligible, and let them play in the Sugar Bowl.
Why a coach’s knowledge of their wrongdoings a few months sooner than what he said he knew about them would have any affect on their eligibility is beyond me.
They were either eligible always, or never.
Besides, from what we have just learned (barring any new news) Tressel only knew of 2 players, and the NCAA ruled on a total of 6 back in December.
Seeing as how OSU resumed selling game worn gear on their team website, and taken back off shortly before the most recent news broke, just shows what a hypocrisy this whole thing is.
I’m sure given the outrage, and the notoriety to all of this, the NCAA is going to come down hard, to try and make up for how they handled this thing the first time around, and they way they were perceived, this gives them a chance at redemption, even if it only furthers their image of making rules up as they go.
However it plays out from here, I will still be a fan. I will still support Ohio State, and take pride in being a Buckeye, no matter what a handful of other have done to the University’s image, or what anyone, anywhere else thinks.


Oppurtunity Lost

March 7, 2011

So lets back track a week or so.
My wife is in labor, has been pretty much all day. This being our 2nd go at this, we are seasoned veterans. We’re not gonna go to the hospital until it is finally go time, as opposed to before when they sent us home, so she could labor there for a while and then go back in. (it should be noted, last time as we were waiting after being sent home, I had to watch a Paul Walker movie while I took down contraction times. It was excruciating)
So she’s timing her contractions, while I drive our son to my sisters.
The plan is for me to get him there, get back, and then wait a little while for the contractions to get to about 5 minutes apart.
Easy enough.
Well, it turns out in between the contractions which were 7-8 minutes apart, my wife is having little contractions directly between the big ones.
So doubt starts to sink in that maybe we should be counting the little contractions as well, and if so, that means they are under 5 minutes apart.
If this is the case, we are past go time, and I need to drive really fast, or google how to deliver a baby.
Now, the kicker in all this, is we are supposed to call her Dr’s office, and speak tot he on-call nurse, and she will either tell us what to do, or have an on-call Dr. call us back within minutes.
So we call, talk to some nurse whom we later discovered sucks at doing her job. She says she’ll have the Dr call us right back, and we are to wait for instructions.
So we wait, and my wife continues to labor.
Now the contractions are like 4 minutes apart, tops. It’s pretty apparent we need to get to the Hospital, and do it fast.
This was my big chance to drive like a maniac, and get away with it.
    Sidebar: THis is the 2nd time in my life this has happened. The first was on the way to the airport for our honeymoon. I knew there was no cop in hell (save for lesbian troopers) that would ticket a cute young couple on the way to their honeymoon. I was right, I got pulled over going 89 mph, and the State Highway Patrolman asked me where I was off to in such a hurry. We said in cheesy couple unison “our honeymoon”, and flashed our newly signed marriage certificate. He just shook his head, told me to slow down, wished us congratulations, and sent us on our merry way.
Anywh0, this time there were no cops anywhere, which sucked. I also really regretted not installing the same horn they had on the General Lee in The Dukes Of Hazard. So, as I am driving really, really fast down State Rt. 315 with no cops anywhere, I was checking both cell phones, expecting at least a courtesy call from my wifes Doctors office.
Even if they didn’t have the decency to tell us what to do (which we already knew), at least they would call back. We were in labor, and they did say they would call back within 5 minutes.
So we get to the hospital, they give us the whole “is this your first child speal” and act like it is no big deal. Then once they got us in a room, they took a closer look, and immediately went into action.
It’s go time.
They admitted my wife without paperwork, and got everything started to deliver a baby, all the while explaining to my wife that we may not be able to get her an epidural, which did not sit well.
During this chaos, the nurse in charge took a moment to scold us a little bit, about waiting so long to come in.
We just didn’t want to be that couple that panics, comes in, gets sent home, over, and over.
So after my minor ass chewing was finished, I made note to check both phones. Maybe I had missed that call from the Dr.
No missed calls.
At this point it had been like 40 minutes since we called, and the baby would be here in no time.
This is when I decided that since my wife was a little occupied at the moment, I really wanted to be the one to take the call from the Dr, who had already missed the boat on being helpful in any way.
The plan was, I was going to fuck with the Doctor just a bit.
I was going to scream into the phone, act like I was in a panic, all the while pretending like we didn’t know what to do.
I was going to say something like “I see an arm!” or “I keep pushing it back in there, but it keeps wanting back out!”
Something awesome, since they deserved to be fucked with, since they never called us back.
So anywho, about an hour later we got our 2nd son Owen, and the rest is history.
Still waiting for that damned doctor’s office to call back, still waiting.
The perfect chance to fuck with someone, who clearly deserves it, gone forever.
That is, I’m assuming at this point, they don’t plan on calling back,

So my wife has the remote, and for some reason it’s on NBC.
Did the Stanley Cup finals start already?
Kentucky Derby?
So why is it on NBC?
Nobody can answer that question, but what I do know is I saw a commercial for a show that I would like to watch, although I am quite certain I will never watch it.
It’s called ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’
It’s about famous people finding out stuff about their ancestor’s. I’m guessing that they don’t know the stuff beforehand, and the stuff is interesting, but it is NBC, so maybe not.
Anywho, I have to assume the celebrities all find out they are related to someone who was fairly important, or did something interesting, but again, it is NBC, so maybe not.
What would be way better than whatever crap they come up with is if they did the same show, just a little different.
What if, instead of finding out you are a descendant from some freed slave, or marginally important civil rights activist, or the first woman Dr. in some colony, what if the celebrity found out they are descended from some assbag of a person?
What if, they found out their Great-great-grandmother was a prostitute?
How awesome would that show be.


The Next Round

March 3, 2011


Sweet article about Barry Larkin, and Ken Griffey Jr.’s kids being awesome at basketball.
It’d be nice if they can contribute at least one kid a piece to the Cincinnati Reds, as the Dads were my two all-time favorite players growing up.
I suppose I would also have to wish for the Reds to get Griffey’s kid before a decade of playing on astroturf kills his body, but I don’t want to get greedy.
So I decided to use google to see if this shot in the dark dream has a shot in the dark. I remember Griffey having at least one son, and then i saw this.
I have an old Score, or Upper Deck card that looks so much like this picture, except an ugly Mariners hat was involved.
So maybe there will be no more Griffey’s for the Reds this time around, but if anything can save the Bengals, it has to be Griff’s kid.

Not Bad

March 1, 2011

So the latest dumbassed show I catch my wife watching Extreme Couponing, may be just what I was looking for.
So after she explains the overall concept of the show (fat retards who are addicted to buying a bunch of shit they don’t need, cause they are getting it cheap) I’m kinda hooked.
The first chick, is a big coupon fan, and by big, I mean she looks like an adolescent hippo. So her deal is, she devotes 70 hours a week to coupons, and exploiting deals from the store, This is her alternative to getting an actual job or anything like that.
They pay like 70 bucks to order coupons online (cause newspapers are a waste), and then gameplan a shopping trip like Bill belichek breaks down Peyton manning game film.
Once they are ready, she does a “dry run through the store, comparing the store deals to her giant box of coupons.
Then, they get to it.
Her, and her fat, enabling, cock-tard of a husband get like 9 shopping carts, and find things that are listed as 2-for-$1 in the store, and then they get about 200 of them, and then they use a limitless $1 off coupon.
They buy hundreds of boxes of pasta, an entire shopping cart of Gatorade, and all the candy bars in the store.
They take like 3 hours to check-out, before they finally overload the computers, at which time they ahve to break the whole order into 3 orders, on 3 registers.
In the end, they get like $1,500.00 worth of shit they don’t need, and only pay about 50 bucks for all of this.
It completely ass-rapes the store they buy it from, and will likely spell the end of Coupons for the rest of us, but they seem to love it.
Then, they have to pack two emptied out SUV’s to the point where they can barely fit inside.
By this time, they are drenched in sweat, and they have to find room in their shitty house for 90 jars of Ragu.
It’s amazing really.
These people, are in some ways genius, in other ways complete drains on normal society.
They tear through dumpsters looking for old coupons, buy 2 years worth of stuff and store it in the garage, and drive long distances to find the perfect deal.
This hot psycho chick just bought $600 worth of cereal, yogurt, and pasta for 2 dollars, and change.
It goes on and on.
At the same time I feel jealous of their deal finding, coupon clipping skills, but I also feel sorry for them, as well as want to see them fall out of a hot air balloon.
Now, you have to see this show to believe it, it’s on TLC, so if you’re not gay or married, you’ll never find it.
You may be thinking, these people should sell all this stuff and make a fortune, and then they wouldn’t need to be how they are now.
Or you may be thinking, they should donate this stuff to shelters, and we could wipe out hunger in America.
Wrong, and wrong.
They just take it home pack it away in the extra bedroom, or fill up the garage.
Go America!

Who’s Your Daddy II

March 1, 2011

If your name is Owen Benjamin Thomas, and you are a perfect little boy who weighed in at 7lbs 10oz, then the answer is me!
Everybody is healthy, and happy, and we’re all home safe. It’s 3-1 dudes to chicks in this house now, so in a few years, once we get away from Elmo, and Nick Jr, Sports will drown out crappy reality shows in our house.
Couldn’t be happier here folks, we are truly blessed, and ready to take on the world now that I have not one, but 2 clones ready to do my bidding.
So far he’s got Mommy wrapped around his cute little fingers. Once he figures out I am the cool parent, and he starts working his magic on me, he’ll be on easy street for sure.
So welcome to the world little buddy.
We got a fun ride ahead of us.

And So It Begins

February 24, 2011

Look out Miss Cleo, there’s a new prophet in town.
A while back, I made the call that the contract situation with Albert Pujols was going to be a big flaming bag of crap on the St. Louis Cardinals front porch, and the whole thing was going to work in the Reds’ favor.
Now, though it may not be how I said it was going to happen, it is already happening.
Adam Wainwright needs a new throwin’ elbow!
So take a perenial playoff contender, put a big stinking cloud around their franchise player, and while you are at it, make it so the runner up for the Cy Young has to wipe lefty for the better part of the year.
Throw in the factt hat we have the Reggie Sanders of the new decade now (Edgar Renteria) and it’s a good time to be a Reds fan.
Seeing as how I also may need an elbow transplant, I do feel bad for Wainwright. I don’t want to wish injuries on anyone except Vaginier Molina, whom I hope gets some rare disease of the butthole. However, that being said, this whole thing doesn’t exactly hurt my Redlegs chances at repeating as NL Central champs.
Sure, another trip to the playoffs will most likely mean another embarrassing whoopin to some team from Philly, but the days leading up to it will be awesome.
So keep up the good work Cardinals. I hope the Pujols thing drags out all year, gets really ugly, the team suffers, and of course the disease thing to Molinas butthole.
Go Reds!

Carnies 1, Chris 0

February 19, 2011

So, tonight, on what could have been a fun little family outing, we ended up getting swindled by Carnie’s.
I pride myself on my ability to never put myself in a situation where I may be exposed to carnie’s of any sort. I have natural born instinct that keeps me one step ahead of the shifty little traveling bastards, and not fall victim to their shenanigans.
Tonight, that instinct failed me big time.
The plan was to take our nearly 3 year old son to go see a dinosaur exhibit at the expo center.
Now first off, the expo center is located at the State Fair grounds, and I never attend fairs, so I should have known better.
However, there is all kinds of other stuff at the Expo Center, including a huge home show I have to work at next week, so I thought all was going to be well.
The ads were not all that revealing, so I expected the Dino-exhibit to be cheesy, but never did I expect it to be the Carnie ruse it turned out to be.
The fact that it was located about a hundred yards from the Ohio State Highway patrol headquarters made me think it had to at least be a little on the up and up, but I was wrong.
I think the fact that my son is insane about Dinosaurs, put my carnie instincts in a fog. Letting my boy see even the crappiest statue of a T-Rex would make him the happiest kid in the world, so I was all-in no matter what.
So we get to the Parking lot, this is when the Carnies got the first $5 of my not-all-that hard earned money.
Whatever, my boy loves his some Dinosaurs, so money meant nothing.
Then we discover that in the adjacent building was a big flea market thing. It wasn’t actually a flea market, but I don’t know what to call it so we’ll say flea market. It was one of those things they advertise on the radio with the same voice-guy that does Monster truck rallies and what not. The kind where they sell DVD players for like 20 bucks, and car sterio’s, and Computers for rock bottom prices. (So this is why we call it a flea market)
Anywho, we get inside, and discover that kids under 6 are free, which was great, and adults were 9 bucks a pop. Not so great.
So now we are up to $23 of my cash.
These were not your ordinary Carnie’s.
At this point I didn’t even know I was dealing with Carnie’s. I just thought I was getting screwed, but since there was going to be Dinosaurs for my little man, all was still well.
That’s when I saw what was inside.
not only were the Dinosaurs even shittier than I could have ever dreamed, it was half the size I thought it was going to be (because the other half of the building was full of bouncy rooms, carnival rides, and shitty concessions).
Well played Carnie’s, well played.
The other patrons consisted of the following. 5% parents with the same look on their face as me and my wife had, and 95% white trash who were super excited about where they were, and the chance to have their picture taken via shitty camera phone in front of a fake dinosaur that was made from about $3 worth of chinese plastic.
I saw more little redheaded kids tonight than any decent man should ever see.
I don’t want to sound like I think i am better than some of my fellow Americans, but I damned sure know I am better than most of these people.
If one was to set up a tent in the parking lot, and sell MMA shirts, Monster energy drinks, pagers, or Newport cigarettes, or $5 paternity tests, they could have made a fortune there tonight.
I already hate camera phones, and the douche-bags who constantly use them for everything, and anything, and after tonight I am on a mission to rid the earth of them.
But, I digress. So the Dino exhibit sucked bad, but my son loved it.
Five minutes later we had seen everything, sans the shitty homemade dinosaur shirts we could have bought, but since we were in for $23 already, we went through again.
Let me say that my son was absolutely crazy about the exhibit, and even if I was in hell, making him happy is what it’s all about, so i pressed on.
However, after another 5 minutes we had been through twice, and my son wanted to venture into the other side of the building. The side with the pay-to-bounce inflatable bouncy rooms full of little white trash kids, and more carnies, and carnie food.
I was having none of this.
In true Carnie form, they made it so it is so tempting to little kids, that it forces you to become an asshole by making them leave.
My son was pretty pissed he couldn’t go into the hepatitis filled bouncy rooms for a buck a bounce, or play in the “gold panning” adventure.
I tried to convince my son that there was no gold, it was just a Carnie ruse to get more of my money.
I tried to promise him ice cream, but in his eyes, I wasn’t taking him away from a redneck paradise full of carnie food and the worst dinosaur statues ever, I killed the T-Rex, and wouldn’t let him pan for gold in water a Guatemalan street child wouldn’t touch.
So instead of having a fun night out, and making my kid the happiest little boy in the world, I am an asshole, who will have to drop another $50 on dinosaur toys to win my kid back.
Thanks Carnie’s, you’ve won this round.

Dream Scenario

February 16, 2011

The best move of the entire offseason for the Cincinnati Reds, is playing out as we speak.
Something so big, it could not only have an effect on trying to defend the NL Central title this season, but it could decide the fate of the next 6-8 years.
This thing with Albert Pujols, and the Cardinals is perfect.
Not only is it going to create a big cloud over the Reds newest rival in the division, but there is really no bad outcome for the Reds in all this.
Cincy just has to keep getting better, stay smart with the payroll, and add a role player here and there, and their place atop the NL Central will be assured for years to come.
Look at it like this.
For the Cardinals, there is no right way to go about this. Aside from Pujols saying, “I love it here, I’ll play for half price”, any way they look at it, they are backed into a corner.
They can give an aging Dominican, with a Dominican birth certificate, and a build that looks like it had some chemical help, whose numbers have started tailing off a ton of money, for up to 8 more years, and pretty much assure themselves of losing their pitching stars in a year or two, and not being able to sign anyone else, because they mortgaged their entire financial future on one guy.
Or they could hold strong, tell their fans, money means too much, look like the bad guys, make it a clubhouse full of questions, maybe make Albert look like the villain and risk losing the best player they have, even though he is getting older, and older every day, he is the face of the franchise, and losing him is a gut shot that won’e be easy to get up from.
Angry fans, anxious teammates, a loss of most of their offense, and their identity, or give all their money to one guy, who could be 31, or 37 years old?
And it gets even sweeter.
The team most likely to make a huge offer to Pujols outside the Cardinals?
The Chicago Cubs.
So then we would have one rival reeling to replace the best player in franchise history, and the other taking themself out of every free agent race for the next 6-8 years.
The only way this can get better, is either the Cards or Cubs break the bank for Albert, and then Milwaukee puts all their chips in for Prince Fielder, only for him to leave for Houston, and sign an 8 year five hundred million dollar deal.
After all this, even Pittsburgh could make a run at it.
Oh these are good times to be a Reds fan, and they are only getting better.


February 15, 2011

I keep seeing updates scroll across ESPN about the federal court’s attempt at convicting Barry Bonds for the whole steroid thing.
I know it’s not about him taking steroids, more so that he lied to a Grand Jury, but come one, how long has this been going on?
If it takes this long, and God knows how many tax dollars for government employees to prove Bonds was a bad boy, is it really worth it?
My son is not quite 3, and he is fairly confident that Bonds used Steroids, and only a moron would believe his “linseed oil” story he told the grand jury.
California, is basically bankrupt, and broke.
I’m not saying the California appeals district dedicating over 4 years of time in trying to convict Bonds is why that state is in the financial crisis it is, but it ain’t exactly helping.
I’m no Bonds fan, but if it takes this long to get him, who cares?
No they’re saying a judge is going to admit a recorded conversation, (whose legality is all kinds of gray) from Bonds’ personal trainer to use against him.
So this tape, is going to take precedent over the sworn testimony of the guy on the tape, who by the way time, and again chooses prison over ratting out his friend/sugar daddy.
Bonds used Steroids, and he still lies about it.
Who cares?
Am I the only one that thinks the amount of time, and money spent proving the blatantly obvious is the bigger crime here?