Am I hot?

February 26, 2009

The votes are in. It was a whopper of a turnout, but I figure it’s been long enough, so we will proceed as planned. Today we make history, with the first ever, in a new series of debates. ‘Am I Hot?’ It’s pretty simple. We come up with a person, who may, or may not be hot, and publicly debate whether they are indeed hot, or useless to society. I think this will help change a lot of peoples lives. So lets begin.

Casey Anthony: Am I Hot?

Now, this chick may, or may not be the worst person in the world, and should die a slow painfull death. This debate is not over whether she killed her baby, if she is insane, or if she even deserves to breathe air. This debate, is to decide what I feel a lot of folks may have been wondering. If she is in fact hot. So lets digress.

The news media pretty much just shows the one side of Casey Anthony. The baby killing nut-job that she is. Most of the pics of her on the news are of her in handcuffs, in a mug-shot, or in court. Other than Courtney Love, and O.J., it’s hard to look hot in court. What they don’t show you, is the other side of miss Anthony. The liquored up slut, who has been passed around by more mexicans than a home-made green card. So I think it’s only fair, for the good of society, that we tell both sides of the story, and not focus on her actions, but what really matters. Is she hot?

Let’s see: Patriotic-check, slutty-check, but she looses major points for the Florida gators thing, and the douche in the background, who seems to be sodomizing a giant stuffed bear. Cleavage-check, drunk-check, slutty friends-check. Again looses points for the dudes she’s with. Super tight hoodie-check, looking good despite the whole “arrested in front of the whole world” thing-check. Those two are hard to pull off, but she has nailed it. Again, slutty-check, giving free passes to steal second-check, but looses some points for more douchebags feeling her up.  Decent abs-check, mixed drinks-check, pole dancing-check, mate. Naughty outfit-check. Binge drinking-check.


But then there’s this: Smeared eyeliner, that’s sooo Tammy Faye baker-check. Sporting the butch hairdo, while peeing in a parking lot-check Giving shout-outs during your arraignment for killing your daughter-check.

Well, there you have it. Remember, it’s not about whether or not she is guilty, or whether she is pure evil, or just immature white trash. The issue we need to decide, for the good of the nation, is if she is hot. Let’s hear what you have to say. Don’t just vote, make an argument on the comments.


The Audacity of Hope!

February 26, 2009

Rarely do I hear something on the radio that makes me almost wreck. Usually, it’s just crap from espn radio, or stupid commercials, and it goes in one ear, and out the other. Today, was different. They were interviewing baseball expert Tim Kurkijian, or whatever the hell his name is, one of the endless nerdy, scrawny, redsox fans employed by ESPN to talk about baseball. He said, “he wasn’t going to pick his “surprise” team to watch this year, until he had seen all the teams in Spring training” but, he said he was already leaning towards……The Cincinnati Reds! That was when I lost control. I know, I too often get carried away with the slightest bit of hope, but I am on cloud 9 today. He said, he wasn’t saying they are gonna win the division, (what’s he smoking?) but the feeling in the clubhouse is completely different. he said they have, speed, defense, and guys who will get on base, and a solid starting rotation. OH MY GOD! I’m not gonna get all carried away by what some middle aged douchebag said on the radio, but I am going to declare. This is the year. I’ve never said that before, well, o.k. I say that every year, but this is different, and Timmy explained why. He said, ‘the feeling in the locker room is completely different, because griffey and dunn aren’t around to run the clubhouse’. I.E. We got rid of the two laziest bastards on the team. Sure they hit dingers, sold jerseys, and had names people had heard of, but they also sucked at baseball. This years crop of Redlegs may not be the most famous, or the most talented, but we no longer have an over the hill, worn out superstar, and an out of shape, no-defense having, strikeout prone jackass as the role models for the young players. This is the ultimate case of addition by subtraction, and I am stoked. We could stick a high school kid in right field, and a kid in a wheelchair in left field, and have a better defense. Hope is slowly coming back to Queen city, and I am getting on board. Sure the Cubs are stacked, but they’ll find a way to screw that up. How many years in a row can the cubs have a winning record anyway? This is it people. Those tickets I’m selling for the Pirates series in September are starting to look pretty good right now huh?

Hail To The Victor’s!

February 23, 2009

Now that the recruiting season for college football has finally come to an end, it’s time to decide who got what. Like with anything in life, recruiting is open to debate. It takes at least 3 years to really get a grasp on who’s worth what. Recent history, has tought us that just because someone is “supposed” to be awesome, does not mean they won’t suck. At THE Ohio State University for example, the headliners of a recent recruiting class were Maurice Clarrett, Justin Zwick, and Mike D’Andrea. Listed as also signed we’re a couple of guys named Troy Smith, and A.J. Hawk. A Heisman, and the first defensive player drafted came to them respectively. Recruiting is a crapshoot, nobody can dispute that.  In the past, I have fallen victim to getting bored, and reading “recruiting experts” opinions, and getting false promises of greatness. They are High School kids. Many have never even seen a boob in real life. They know little about football. Despite this, I have decided to give out my first anual reward for recruiting greatness. Here, are my top five.

5. Ohio State (obviously) OSU has been ranked anywhere from the 9th best class, to the #1 class in the nation, depending on who you listen to. How that big of a gap gets formed? Is beyond me. To put it in terms of the recent election, OSU either signed Barack Obam, or Dennis Kucinich, depending on what dude who never gets laid you ask. Less than half of this class is white, so I’ll take it. They also got kids from warm weather states, and guys who run really really fast. the highlight in my opinion, is Cris Carters kid. Nothing says success like the dilluted sead of a legend. Darryl Strawberry’s kid, and Mark McQuires brother have tought us this much.

4. Notre Dame: The Irish, highlighted their recruiting class, with a last minute steal. They dipped into the same bucket they have relied on for centuries. mormons, from Hawaii. Apparently some kid who is awesome, mormon, and from Hawaii, is going to play linebackker there. That should work out well for those two years he’s out handing out pamphlet’s to people in the suburbs.

3. USC: I have no idea who they signed, but it is USC, so they will be awesome. Pete Carroll, is like the dude at the strip club, who leaves an $80.00 tip after the first round of drinks. All the talent just flocks to him after that. Urban Meyer is close, but in a pedophilia sort of way, and Les Miles is legally retarded, so Pete is the winner here. Though the peaks will be high, and the good times will be a rollin’, it will all come to an end soon. Just like the big tipper in the strip club, Pete will end up with an STD, and a bastard child.

2: Michigan: They signed people who were not on their roster from last year, which is a big plus. It may not be great, but it’s a huge upgrade. It’s like going from legally dead, to a permanent vegatative state. At least they have a chance to pull off a miracle. They signed some quarterbacks who again, were not on their roster last year, so they have a fighters chance there. I figure ole Dick-Rod, knows what he is doing recruiting wise. After all, he did bring us Pac-Man Jones, and Chris Henry. This year will be bad, but better. they will throw a bunch of new guys to the fire, like last year, and make a huge step forward next year. On behalf of Big Ten fans everywhere, we’ll take it.

1. Tennessee: The clear cut winner here. This much can’t be disputed. The Vols’ went from having a coach who looks like the guy broke down on the side of a highway with a van full of retarded kids, to Lane Kiffin. Lane, has a cool name, is good looking, and has already been screwed over by being forced to draft shitty SEC players he didn’t want. Not only does he have an axe to grind, he nailed down (in more ways than one) the hottest young recruit in all the land. His Wife! Has anyone seen this chick? and here In in that picture, she’s like nine months pregnant, and still smokin’ hot. Plus, her name is Layla for gods sakes. Hasn’t Eric Clapton taught us that Layla is the hottest name ever? No wonder lane is cheesing like a queer in a locker room shower. Hats off to Lane. You guys might suck again next year, but your wife might also, and you’re the better man for that. Now, if Lane can get his wife to take off her “Rocky Top” on national t.v. this will be the best college football season ever. I know I’ll be watchin!


February 22, 2009

Never before, have i ever faced such disappointment. I’ve been living a lie. Everything I know, and love, is fake, and my heart is broken. Just as I was beginning to live out my life long dream, it was all taken away, in the blink of an eye.
As many may know, all my life, I have dreamed of achieving the goal of a lifetime. To attend at least 10 consecutive Reds Opening Days, and get my name on the jumbo-tron, and then throw a beer onto the field. The dream was almost there. My ticket is on it’s way, and that’s where it all fell apart. Part of that dream died, when we traded away the salary-thief, strike out king Adam Dunn, who was to be the target of my beer throwing. To make matters worse, I realized, that I was living one big Lie, and that I suck at math. Ladies and gentleman, this will be my 9th Reds opening day. Someone pointed this little error out to me, and I’m still in a state of shock. This will be my 9th Opening Day. How did I screw this up? Where did I go wrong. I could have sworn this was number 10, but I have double checked my math, searched through the history books, counted on my fingers, and yes, I am an idiot. It’s number 9. It is my lucky number, but my heart is broken none-the less. Apparently, when you start going to Opening day in 2001, and this year will be 2009, that makes 9 Opening Days. Nobody knows how this crazy math stuff works. I guess it’s kinda like losing that magical year when Jesus was waiting for his first birthday. Here are the games I’ve gone to, it’s all right there.

120 04-02-2001 vs Atlanta Braves 4-10 L 58-61-1
121 04-01-2002 vs Chicago Cubs 5-4 W 59-61-1
122 03-31-2003 vs Pittsburgh Pirates 1-10 L 59-62-1
123 04-05-2004 vs Chicago Cubs 4-7 L 59-63-1
124 04-04-2005 vs New York Mets 7-6 W 60-63-1
125 04-03-2006 vs Chicago Cubs 7-16 L 60-64-1
126 04-02-2007 vs Chicago Cubs 5-1 W 61-64-1
127 03-31-2008 vs Arizona Diamondbacks 2-4 L 61-65-1

I don’t know where I went wrong. Maybe I was so envious of all the old ladies who had been to so many opening Days. Maybe my brain is so tired of the reds sucking that it’s pretending to skip entire season of shitty baseball. Who knows. I still think, the 2006 Opening day should count twice, and this will be my 10th year. That year, I was waaay under dressed, as it was 60 in Columbus when I left, my friend told me it “looked nice” outside his hotel room in Cincy. (he had a lot to drink the night before, and should not have been trusted) Either way, I did not wear a jacket, or long sleeves for that matter. When we got to Cincy, it was cold, and threatening rain. Despite several pre-game beers, it was in fact, really damned cold. To make matters worse, our idiot president was to throw out the first pitch. Though I am a registered republican, this day would ensure I never vote for him, or anyone he’s related to again. Since the president was there, the security was a nightmare. We waited nearly an hour, just to get inside. This meant that by the time I had gotten inside, all the good cold weather gear had been bought at the souvenir shop. This meant, that I had to wait in line another 45 minutes or so, just to end up paying $70.00 for a womens size large windbreaker, whose sleeves barely went past my elbows, and was never worn again. My wife was also super-thrilled about spending $70.00 on a shitty reds jacket. “Honey, I bought you a jacket” does not work, if the jacket has a mustard stain on it, and is a Reds jacket to begin with. If I had married a 15 year old boy, who smoked pot, I would have been golden. Anywhoo, the reds got their asses handed to them by the cubs that day. It was not good. Traffic sucked, since the whole president thing meant that opening day started late, and we all got to experience rush hour in downtown Cincinnati. So I am petitioning to make that Opening day shit-pile count as two Reds opening days. This would mean, this season would be my 10th, I can get my name on the Jumbo-tron, throw a beer onto the field, and get on with my life. If not, I have one more year after this one, of fighting to get a ticket, the day off work, and even worse, Cincinnati Reds baseball.

In other news, my life has gotten even crappier. I’ve finally came to the realization that I can no longer consume Jalapenos, or any other really hot pepper for that matter. I love hot food, but the result is not pretty, and is actually quite painful, and un-necessary, so I have to move on. The Donato’s ‘Mariachi Beef’ pizza, is delicious, but deadly.

The only saving grace of the past few days, was my 11 month old son. This kid just keeps getting better, and better. Saturday morning, we were hanging out watching out favorite weekend morning programming, bass fishing, when he provided me with the cutest, most awesome thing I have ever seen in my life. He had pulled himself up, and was standing, holding onto the ottoman, staring at some dude real in a 5 pounder, and he started scratching his ass. If you have never seen a standing baby scratch his ass for 10 or so seconds, it is indeed the cutest thing ever. It’s also a pretty good indication that it’s time to change another diaper, which is not that awesome.

That’s gay

February 18, 2009

Has everyone seen the commercials already? Some kids are joking around, minding their own business, when one of them refers to something as “gay“. Shortly thereafter, an ever help-full C-list celebrity informs them of how hurtfull, and inappropriate it is to use the word “gay” or “retarded” in that Context, and then proceeds to turn it around on them. Said C-list celebrity then proceeds to describe the offending High School kids, when they are describing something dumb. Oh’ what a power-full lesson that is. It really sends a strong message. one can’t help but sit back and think about their actions. The only problem is, it’s gay. Who gives a shit, if I see something i think is gay, and refer to it as that? Is it inappropriate? Maybe. Is it fun? Absolutely. Do we really need to worry about what words everyone uses? Are we gonna make the world that much better? Trying to push ones views on other people, who do not ask for their input, is gay. So what if a word is found hurt-full by some. It’s not like people are actually singling out homosexuals, and verbally assaulting them. The word gay still has meaning besides homosexual right? If you are picking on someone who has done no harm to you, and trying to demean them with words (like the C-list celebs do to the kids in the commercials), you are out of line. if someone pisses you off, and you call them gay, it’s all good. People are still entitled to live their life the way the want. We can all say whatever words we want to say. It may not always be clean, or respect-full, but we do have freedom of speech. Not saying what you want to say, is a slap in the face to all our founding fathers, and the men and women who gave their lives for our freedom. If Abe Lincoln saw those commercials today, he would think Wanda Sykes was gay. Not so long ago, I received a few hate messages, because i wrote a blog entitled “In the Land of Retards” Nobody in my story was actually retarded, in fact it was actually what I thought to be a clever play on words from the title of the movie ‘In the Land of Women’. Some lady, who claims to have special needs children really laid in to me, and I felt bad. I don’t refer to people with handicaps as “retarded”. I would never do that. I only say “gay” or “retarded” for people I don’t like. There’s a difference, and in my mind, it’s all good. If I have offended anyone by using the word retarded, I am actually sorry. i really am. Some of us think differently than other people do, and you know what? That’s totally fine. Now, those who try to tell me what I can and can’t say, are gay. I guess the whole point of the commercial is to express tolerance for those who are different than you. Shouldn’t the ever-helpfull, super tolerant be a little more tolerant of the less tolerant like myself? We don’t need to be bigots, or racist, though those groups do help ad spice to life, and are entitled to live how they want. Don’t be a asshole to other people, and let those of us that are dicks live our own life.
In the immortal words of Gary, from Team America “We’re dicks! We’re reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Ilis an asshole. Pussies don’t like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn’t appropriate – and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves… because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don’t know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don’t let us fuck this asshole, we’re going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"

In other news, the Columbus nightlife, is about to take off! Word has just been announced, that the greatest star in music today, is coming to town, and I am bouncing off the walls with joy. As long as I can remember, I’ve dreamed about seeing this act live. Now, my dream is one step closer to coming true. Ladies and Gentleman, Steve Winwood is coming to Columbus! Oh the nights I’ve laid awake in bed, imagining how awesome it would be if I were at a Steve Winwood concert. I’ve decided that from now, until the concert, I am going to walk around town singing Steve’s hit song ‘Higher Love‘ as loud as I can, and then see how long it takes for me to get my ass kicked. The over under on how long it takes for me to get a public ass beating, is 14 minutes. Any takers?


February 18, 2009

It’s a word that’s flying around left and right. Every place you look, folks are talking about pork. Whatever your opinions on our newest stimulus bill, given to us by the fine folks in our federal government, pork has to be on your mind. Whether you are for the bill, or against it matters not. Nor does it matter if you think it’s something thats actually going to help our economy. It does not matter if you think it’s the greatest thing to happen to America since the McRib. It does not matter if you are like myself confused, about why something that had to be rushed through, so fast that it could not be reviewed, or debated, or else it would be hurting America, sits for three days before it is finally signed. We were told, that if you were either against this, or wanted the whole process slowed down so it could be bipartisan, and thoroughly reviewed, you were un-American. Yet, there it sat, over the entire weekend, and all of Monday, before we finally got it signed. Your thoughts on the whole deal, are lost to a greater cause. A cause that as a patriotic American, I feel need to be addressed. So this America, is what I ask of you. Stop saying the word “pork” with a negative meaning. What has pork ever done to anyone? Pork is delicious. Of all the animals we have to eat, none are as versatile, or delicious as the pig, and the pork it gives us. Stop saying “pork” it makes some of us hungry. Pork is getting a bad rap, because politicians have no creativity. If anything is bad, they call it “pork” or “pork barrell”. I myself can think of nothing more awesome than a barrell full of pork. Can you imagine? A big wood barrell full of pulled pork sandwhiches, ribs, and even bacon? Throw in a few beers and, it sounds like heaven to me. For decades, people refferred to anything our government does that is wastefull, as “pork”. Recently, it has increased, in a dangerous manner. All through the election porocess, pork was the word everyone was throwing out. Now, with the stimulus package on the brink of being signed into birth, pork is being tossed around like it’s going out of style. Why? What has pork ever done to hurt anyone? If someone tells me, I am full of pork, I will take that as a compliment. I could eat pork every day, and recommend to all of you, to do the same. Stop referring to anything that’s bad, or waste full as “pork”. Lets get a new word. Cabbage kind of sucks, (except when served as cole slaw with pulled pork, or saur-kraut with a pork bratwurst) lets use that. Does anyone actually like Coos coos? Lets use one of those, and let pork get back to where it needs to be. In our hearts, on our dinner plates, and in our bellies. I grew up under the nurturing, watchfull eye of the Ohio Pork producers council. Their motto still sticks with me today. ‘Lean, Light, and Low Cost’ Now whats so wastefull about that?

I’m sorry

February 17, 2009

I’m sorry Cincinnati Reds, I never should have doubted you. My faith in all of mankind has been restored, I have a reason to go on with life. Moments before I took my own life, in a rather sophisticated, and well planned murder-suicide plot, my wife informed me of an email. (lucky for her) It was from the Cincinnati Reds. The same Reds, whom hours before I had sworn off for ever. I had even started shopping my services as an asshole fan to other MLB teams. I was aiming for another shitty team, so i wouldn’t have to deal with the success that the good teams face. I had already settled on the Washington nationals, since they suck really bad, and I already had been disappointed by their entire team, when they were on the reds roster the past decade. Lucky for me, and the Nationals, my ole Redlegs came through in the clutch. They informed us, that since we had bought one of their gay Power Packs last season, they were going to give us a chance to buy another Gay Power Pack, before they went on sale to the general public. The power packs, though gay, and a waste of money, come with an opening day ticket, and there is always some sucker out there too lazy to go online to buy his own tickets, forcing him to buy my leftover tickets. Anyone wanna buy a ticket to see the Reds take on the Pirates in September? I smell a 99 cent sale on ebay. So anywhoo, I am back with the reds. I know, I said I was done, but come on. Did you really think I could stay mad forever. The roughly 24 hours or so, that I had sworn them off, is about par for the course with me. I know, I said I wouldn’t buy the Power pack, but it’s opening day! Plus, I get a chance to buy them before they go on sale to the general public. Anything that promotes elite-ism, and separates me from the Cretans that make up “the general public”, I’m all for. So, just as soon as my lifelong dream of getting my name on a jumbo-tron, and throwing a beer onto the field during an opening day reds loss had died, it rose from the ashes, and is back on schedule. The new plan, is to call the reds box office every 2 to 3 hours and ask if they will put my name on the Jumbo-tron. All is right in the world.

Total let down

February 17, 2009

Years of hard work, and loyal service, have gotten me nothing but a kick to the nuts. One of my oldest friends, has completely let me down, and I feel our relationship may soon be coming to an end. The Cincinnati Reds, owe me an apology, and some damn opening day tickets. Each and every year, I pull every string I know, tap every resource I can find, to get opening day tickets. Every year, I find a way. Not just that, but every year I go all out. I don’t just go to the game, take score, and then go on my merry way. I do it up right. I buy things, I drink beer, I make a day of it. It’s a social event for me, that I look forward to year round. Usually by about inning 5, I have already chalked that season up as a looser, and start planning out the next opening day. That’ll be the one that matters, I tell myself. Every year, I go through the same thing. I check daily to find out when tickets will go on sale. In years past, we would get up early, wait in line, and find a way to score tickets. one year, we discovered we were going to be way back in line, even though we left very early in the morning, and drove well over an hour to find a place that sold tickets. That year, it was not first come/first serve. They did a drawing to see who would go first. The stars had aligned just right, and they pulled my number first. i had won! For the first time in my life, something good actually happened. Take that Karma! I was the first to get a chance to buy Reds opening day tix. Other years we fell short, but still found a way to get the tickets. At one point, we had found this magical location, in an area with almost no reds fans. We would go through the line, again, and again, buying tickets until they ran out. Most times we had more tickets than we could ever use, and sold all the extras. in fact, we would usually get paid to go to the game when it was all said and done. One year, the idiots never actually charged our credit cards. It was a glorious day. Sadly, the reds make it harder, and harder each year to get these tickets. Maybe because they suck really bad, and it’s often the only game worth going to, unless you are in a big group, and get really drunk. Recently, they have done another lottery. If you win they email you an offer to buy a couple tix. One year I actually won that, and they gave me wheelchair companion seats. it was amazing. the legroom was incredible. Sure, I screwed some paralyzed bastard out of his seat, but he gets to pee in a bag, thus bypassing the long lines in the men’s room between innings.  Either way, I do all I can to get these tickets, and this year, I fell short. Normally, I would just say horrible things about the Reds, get really drunk and pay waaay too much for tickets on ebay. Not this year. This was supposed to be my year. This isn’t just any year, this was supposed to be a culmination. The year I finally get some payback for all my hard work. Some recognition for my years of dedication, and wasted money. This was going to be the year, where I got my name on the Jumbo-Tron for going to 10 consecutive Opening Days. But now, I’m just some asshole who wasted the last 9 first mondays of April. This was gonna be my year folks. For once in my life, I was going to taste victory. Though my team would still blow, I was going to have my moment in the sun. I’ve dreamed about it often. looking up, and seeing it there on the big screen, and saying to myself “I was apart of something great”. The Reds honor longtime fans, by putting their names up on the Jumbo-Tron. If you have been to 10 or more straight opening days, they put your name up there, how many years you have been there in a row, and where you are from, for the whole world to acknowledge. I was going to put my name, 10 years, and Turdsville OH up there. Now, like everything else I have dreamed of, that dream is nearly lost. I still have one last shot. They sell these shitty mini-season ticket packages. You get Opening Day tickets, to where ever they have seats left, and then you get to spend the rest of the summer trying to find some dumb bastard to buy the remaining tickets. “Anyone wanna buy upper deck seats for the Reds/Padres game next tuesday”? I usually find some sap to buy the tickets, but it’s hard work. It often means talking to Cubs fans, which I try to avoid at all costs, for germ related reasons. So here I sit, running low on hope, and reasons to go on living. I don’t ask for much in life, and get amused by the small things in life. All I wanted was to get my name on a damned jumbo-tron, and maybe throw a beer onto the field. I love my family, and have gret friends, and an over-all amazing life. But, for the first time, as I near my 30th Birthday, I am losing hope. What had been my biggest dream is about to be taken away. There’s no way in hell, I can start over, not now. I’ll keep my head up, press on, and keep fighting to find these tickets. If I fall short, there might only be one thing to do. Buy a Yankees hat, and punch myself in the balls. At least then I might get to watch my team in the playoffs.

Farewell T.J. God Speed

February 16, 2009

As a man who has spent his entire lifetime dedicated to the same sports teams, I take pride in the fact that I stand by my teams. When others waver, and jump from team to team depending on their success, I stand fast. When others select which team they are going to get behind, they usually go for which ever team is on top at that time, or who ever the popular choice is. I stick with the home team, through thick and thin. I’m not sure whichever one of those options is “the good one” in the whole “thick and thin” thing, but for the sake of this argument, I am going to assume thin is the bad one. For the better part of my almost 30 years, it has been thin. Bulimia thin. My Reds, enjoyed occasional success during my early years, but have been more or less dead in the water for the latter two thirds of my life. The Buckeyes, are the honor student of the teams I root for. Though they break my heart more than the others, they also enjoy the most success. The Blue Jackets, are still in the early stages of life, and I love watching them grow, but am running out of patience. I may have them tested for retardation. The saddest example of my sports teams, is the Cincinnati Bengals. Before I was old enough to notice, the Bengals were on top of the world. They lost in one of the greatest Super Bowls ever, to the niners. As I grew through the early stages of life, the still were at the top. The playoffs were to be expected from the men in the striped helmets. In one of the greatest years of my life, I was able to watch my bengals go all the way back to the Super Bowl. They gave us Boomer as the MVP. They gave us the Ickey Shuffle, and they even gave us a pre-super bowl coke scandal. Though the Bengals again lost to the niners, in again, one of the greatest games ever played, it was still a great time to be a Bengals fan. It’s pretty much common knowledge throughout the universe, that Lee Johnson’s record 63 yard punt, was the greatest play in sports history. Oh, those were happy times my friend. But with the rare glimmer of hope in 2005, it has been one big shit storm ever since. Being a Bengals fan my entire life, I don’t ask for much, and rarely am I surprised. For a second there, I thought we had a chance to put together a good team. We had a superstar QB, a receiving corp, as good as any, a Pro-Bowl franchise record setting running back (whom I named a dog after) and what was considered the best offensive line in the game. Well, lets check back in on those guys now. That line is pretty well gone. The stars have either retired, moved on, or decided to suck at blocking and what not. The running back saw limited playing time on the worst football team ever in the Detroit Lions last season. The receivers are being torn apart as we speak, and I’m pretty certain carson Palmer is looking into going back to get his masters degree, in just about anything. There’s no way in hell that dude wants to keep playing in cincy. The big question for my Bengals this offseason was what t do with T.J. Houshmandzadeh, as he was going into free agency. Over the past 3 years, he’s caught more passes than just about anyone, despite playing an entire season with a QB, and is pretty much our best player. You got to sign the dude right? Well, after pretty much saying he would sign with the first team that offered, and with Chad Johnson slowly fading away, we had to figure the Bengals would put the franchise tag on T.J. Right? In typical Bengals fashion, they have defied all logic, and opted to apply the franchise tag to our kicker. So long T.J. I will be rooting for what ever team you sign with, until I decide what to do about the situation in Cincinnati. Spare me the economic reasons behind this move, or shayne grahams field goal percentage. Why? How? What the Fuck? A kicker? I know he makes most of the field goals, but so does every other kicker on the planet. It’s not like he’s money at anything inside of 80 yards, which we will need to do since we will no longer be able to run, or pass. The difference between the field goal percentage of the best, and worst kickers in the league, is like 5 or 6 kicks. Does anyone think 5 to 6 more field goals is gonna send this team to the playoffs? Poor Mike Brown. Despite growing up the son of one of the true football Gods, he managed to get all he knows about the game from his mother. You have to think the other NFL owners get all excited as soon as the Bengals get a solid young player. They have to know we’ll find a way to screw it up, and let him get away. Add one for to that list. Why would we want to keep our best player not named Carson around? Why would we want to keep the only guy he feels safe throwing it too? No possible logic can explain this move. Despite being one of the teams with the most money to spend this offseason, we’ve decided to play it safe, just in case the economy gets real bad. Did we invest our 2009-2010 salary cap money with bernie madoff? I figure the only reason anything like this could happen, when you consider all the factors involved, is well outside the box. With this in mind, I’ve came up with a reason why we would pin all our hopes on no running game, no line, and a disgruntled Ocho Cinco. Chaos. It’s the only thing that makes sense at this point. It’s really quite simple when you break it down. T.J. was good, too good. He gave us a shot at winning. Winning means the playoffs, which means someone inside the Bengals front office has to order extra beer, hot dogs, and staffers for a playoff game. We need to avoid that extra work completely, because it might cost money. Getting him out of town will eliminate any hope amongst the fans, which will also take the heat off the coahing staff, and the owner. When the Bengals suck really bad, we can just blame the coach. If we suck bad enough, nobody will think that the problems could be fixed by doing something crazy like hiring a G.M. Thats something the other 31 teams do every year, and it only works for one of them, on any given year. G.M.’s also cost money. With no G.M., and no star receiver, we have extra money for things like the usual 20 or so people we have to add to our roster throughout the season, since the original shitty 22 players we have all get hurt. Why wouldn’t we get rid of T.J. when all we have left is an aging, senile Ocho Cinco, and Chris Henry? 
With Housh’ out of the way, and Dallas’ locker room situation on the brink of collapse, the best situation for everyone, is right in front of our eyes. We trade for Terrell Owens. It’s so obvious. With T.o lined up across the field from an already disgruntled Ocho Cinco, and Carson Palmer with a bum elbow, no running game, and a J.V. offensive line, it’s going to be history in the making. Throw in the fact that Chris Henry is waaaay overdue for getting arrested, this could be the greatest season in Bengals history. Just sit back and wait for Palmer to blow out his arm, since he will have to pass 52 times a game for us to have a chance. I figure about week 4 Palmers arm will be shot, or he will have been sacked to death, and the greatest show on earth can begin. Take all available t.v. cameras, and keep them on the Bengals 24/7. Throw T.O. and Ocho into the worst situation this side of Detroit, and it’ll be sheer magic. Imagine the possibilities. One of them might actually shoot a coach on the sideline. Every press conference will have tears, and nary a t.v. timeout will pass without a meltdown. I missed my dream of Bill Cowher and Beanie Wells saving my Bengals, but this will be sooo much sweeter. By the time the bye week rolls around, Chris Henry might actually rape a fan, during a game. Plus, Pac Man is back on the market, just in case it gets a little boring on the way to another 4 win season, we could just put those two together for old times sake. If there is any just God in this world, the bengals will add Terrell Owens. Though the Bengals will still suck, they will be by far the most intriguing show in all of sports.

Chris gets with the times!

February 15, 2009

Congrats ladies and gentleman! I am on facebook! I know, it’s a huge deal. I’ve spent the better part of the last 4 years making fun of all you buttholes who use myspace and facebook, like a bunch of gay korean teens, but now I have caved. I’ve already noticed huge changes in my life. this social networking thing is amazing!  In the last 16 hours, I have “confirmed my marriage to my wife (though it is yet to be consumated), poked my wife (not as fun as in real life, by a huge margin) became friends with one of the sluttiest chicks from High School, and asked some dude to be my friend, who I actually hate, and would like to see deported, but he had a picture of him carrying an assault rifle, so I felt compelled. These are amazing times. For a long time, I fought off things like facebook, kicking and screaming. I have been documented as saying that anyone who uses facebook, or myspace, after they have seen a real girls boobs, needs sent straight to Guantanamo. Well, those fat cats in D.C. are closing Guantanamo, so I needed to change. My wife, spends countless hours on “the book”. I also hate it when people say “the book” I believe when a guy says “the book” in refference to facebook, what he is actually saying is he likes cock. I can’t blame my wife, she’s just doing what all women with free time, and access to the internets do. Talk about vaginas. So, I too, am here to talk about vaginas, and do other internetty things. If anyone has any good stories, wants to be my friend, or has pictures of their vagina, please look me up on facebook. I’ll be the one who’s trying to get people to join my cause “Kill the Pandas”.