What the….

January 28, 2010

This got weird.
The other day, as I was scanning to see if any strange search engine terms lead people here, I came accross one that stood out.
It was…Greg Oden Nude. It was just one hit, so I thought nothing of it. Maybe at one time I thought it would be funny to put those words together just to get people to accidently come here.
It’s fun to do. Say I type the phrase…
Oprah sex change.
If anyone googles that line, this site will pop up.
Like I said, it’s a lot of fun.
now however, it’s getting out of hand.
I got a call from a friend/blogg-reader, who jokingly called me out for ruining Greg Odens life. He was just kidding, but before I got home, the story was all over the place, about Greg Oden having nude pics on the internet.
Imagine my surprise, when I saw this in the blog manager section.

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Now I’m worried. maybe I did accidently out Greg Oden. Did I at some time post pictures of greg Oden nude? I’m pretty sure I’d remember that, but I am a little nervous. The fact that a ton of people are looking for these pics, and the crazy internets are leading them here, may still be funny, but it could also get me in a lot fo trouble.
Is this going to be what finally gets me sued? I hope not.
Does this mean I run a gay porn site now? I really hope not, although I hear there’s crazy money in that field, and in this economy, who could blame me?
So what i want to know is, how the hell is my site popping up when people search for pics of Greg’s “power forward”?
I’m sure it’s a big mistake, but all the same, I am offering a case of delicious Pabst blue Ribbon beer to whomever can solve this mystery.

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I’m with Tebow

January 27, 2010

With the exception of Greg Oden’s wang, the “Big” story today, was the news about a commercial set to air during the Super Bowl, starring Tim Tebow.
this of course, has caused an uproar.
Not from fans of one of Tebow’s rivals, but from the retard-o-nation, because Tim had the audacity to take part in a “Pro Life” Commercial. Most of the uproar is over the fact that this is a “Pro Life” commercial, but if it was just any old commercial, and didn’t star Tim Tebow, we would never hear anyone complain.
It’s way more offensive if someone famous takes part in it.
Lets break this down real quick.
First off, I’m with Tebow on this one. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’ve always been a huge Tim Tebow fan. Okay, not so much a huge fan, but I got him on this one.
The commercial in question, tells the tale of an expecting mother, who was having complications with the pregnancy, and was experiencing serious health problems from this. Her Doctor’s advised her to terminate the pregnancy. Because of her faith, this was not an option. In her words “she put it in Gods hands.”
She had the baby, they both survived, and the kid grew up to become Tim Tebow.
That’s pretty much the story in the commercial.
The message is very much “pro life”, but never actually says anything about how a woman should not have a right to make her own choice.
In fact, that’s kind of what Tebow’s mom did, she made a choice.
It’s not about abortion, it’s about life. It’s not as black and white as what the people who are fired up about this would make it out to be. Obviously, the message is no info-mercial for abortion, it’s about life.
Despite what the protestor’s who think this is the worst thing ever say, Pro-life, and Pro-choice can exist together.
Someone can believe in a Woman’s right to choose, and be “Pro-life”.
Just as someone who is Pro-choice, might not necessarily become addicted to having abortions.
If someone wants to have an abortion, that’s their call, but what the message is trying to say is how wonderful life really is.
Think how bad Florida would have sucked these past 3 seasons if Mrs. Tebow did get that abortion. Mark Richt might not be on the verge of getting fired. Phillip Fulmer would still have a job, and urban Meyer would be coaching the Raiders.
It’s a crazy world.
The thing about the Tolerant-Nazi’s who are completely intolerant of anyone who’s thoughts are different than theirs is, they just don’t get it.
How is the world going to end, if a guy of Faith, wants to speak his message for 30 seconds?
Just as the folks who stand outside CBS headquarters, demanding they not air this commercial have a right to their views, Tebow has a right to his as well.
Whether you love him, or hate him, it’s a good story, and just because he tells it, does not mean any women are going to be forced to have babies.
If some poor little kid thinks they are going to see a football game, and gets exposed to this commercial, I doubt they are going to go blow up an abortion clinic.
If they do, go ahead and blame Tebow.
I got your back Tim, even though you suck at throwing footballs.

Arguing With Idiots

January 26, 2010

The selling of the House thing, has taken a dramatic turn for the worse.
We’re still getting a lot of action, which other than the hassle is a good thing, but now I am having to communicate with some of the idiots who may want to buy my house.
Albeit through my realtor, but I still have to talk to strangers.
I have a rule with strangers, that is almost never proven wrong.
Every day, I can meet any number of strangers. Be it 3, 12, or 49, the total amount does not matter. Nor does it matter how many I meet over an extended period of time. What does matter, is how often I meet one that I actually like.
This happens about every 5-7 months. Whether I like it or not.
The economy, the time of year, the amount of strangers I meet, or the setting I meet them in (although the numbers do become skewed in bars) does not matter, it’s about once every 5 months or so that I meet somebody new that I actually like.
Then there is the stats dealing with people I don’t like, but do not wish to harm, which is slightly more frequently that I meet them.
The point is, I am meeting strangers, whom I’m sure I do not like, but I want them to buy my house. So I have to fight the urge to say to them what I really want to say.
It’s like being at work, except it’s during my personal time.
For instance, this one genius, who clearly dreamed of becoming some type of engineer, or maybe an architect. He went through my house this past weekend, and may want to buy it, except for one thing.
He’s quite certain, that I removed a load bearing wall. Never mind the fact that I was certain it wasn’t a load bearing wall, but the laws of physics also declared it to not be a load bearing wall, and my house has yet to collapse in the 3 or so years since I removed it. Not only has it not collapsed, but there are no indications it is about to collapse.
No doors that won’t open/shut, no cracking in the drywall. Nothing.
The wall in question stood under a vaulted ceiling (meaning the load was bared where the joists sit on the exterior walls, and in the middle, or “peak” of the roof line)
Not only this, but when we cut the wall off, it was almost hanging from the ceiling. The base of the wall barely touched the floor.
However, none of this seems to matter to the retard, who may buy my house.
He is certain, it is a load bearing wall, and demands proof that it is not.
He’s asked whether a licensed contractor has done the work, or if I (technically licensed, but doing the work AT MY OWN HOUSE). I responded by saying that I did do it myself, but I had a college professor helping me. (He’s not actually a College professor, but he does work at a College, and knows about all there is to know about remodeling, plus professor sounds better)
Alas, it still may not be good enough.
I may need to have either an engineer, or a “licensed” builder look at the wall that is no more, and certify that it is not load bearing. It sucks because, I will already know this “professional” and need to work around them, and now they will think I am an idiot, all because some douche thinks I tore out a load bearing wall.
I could always pay a stranger to tell me what I already know, but again, I hate strangers, and if I have to pay him, it would be even worse.
Could someone out there, who isn’t a complete retard, please buy my house?

Best Ever

January 25, 2010

It’s often debated, who is the Best Quarterback of all-time.
If it came down to one game, I’ve always been in the Montana/Steve Young (before the 30 concussions) camp. I think now, I’ve changed my mind.
Peyton Manning, is the greatest quarterback of all-time.
he is one bad dude.
No offense to Steve Young, he’ll still be my second pick, and Joe Montana was a turd anyway.
I saw what the Jets defense did to otherwise good quarterbacks. That dude picked them apart. No matter what they threw at them, he saw it coming, called the play to beat it, and put the pass right on the money.
Darelle Revis, the” greatest cover corner of all-time?”
Not a factor.
The dude is like a football throwing, play-calling robot. Everything he does, is perfect.
Not only does he execute nearly flawlessly, he also calls the plays. Every play.
I hate to say it, but he is the best.
I hated Peyton for some time. His Citrus Bowl heroics started this whole Buckeyes-v-the SEC mess. He broke my heart.
I took joy watching his Volunteers lose that one key game that killed their title hopes.
I laughed at loud when I saw his face when they said the words…”Charles Woodson, Michigan” at the Heisman ceremony.
I found peace whenever the Patriots found a way to take him down.
The dude just kept getting better though.
And now, I have to say, he is the greatest.

It would be nice, to see guys like Peyton Manning, and Drew Brees at the Pro-Bowl.
Instead, we have a vast assortment of whichever guy didn’t have anything better to do, and for some reason wanted to go to Miami the week before the Super Bowl.
It’s not that I like the Pro Bowl, but it is the last football, of any kind for a long, long time, so I usually watch a little. I’d root for the AFC, even though there usually aren’t any Bengals.
Those days are gone.
In what is quickly proving to be a horrible decision, the NFL Pro-Bowl has not only broke ties with Hawaii, but also it’s ever reliable slot on the Sunday after the Super Bowl.
Now, it’s all falling apart.
The players don’t want to go. It used to be that Players, no matter how their season ended, looked forward to going to Hawaii. They would pay for family, teammates, and old coaches to come and join them, as they were recognized for their greatness, in paradise.
Now, they’re running out of excuses to not go to Miami.
it used to be, only the seriously injured would not go, they would delay any “unnecessary” surgeries until after the Pro Bowl.
Now, they’re scheduling surgeries just for fun.
Whats the motivation, for guys like Brett Pussy-Fvarte to go to the Pro-Bowl this year? He’s pissed off about ruining his teams Super Bowl chances…again, and too sore from his wounds to get on a plane, and go to Miami, so he can practice.
Plus, it’s in Miami this year. No knock on Miami, but whenever anyone is talking about how amazing their Hawaiian vacation was, nobody tries to one up it with stories about running into homeless people, or fat Europeans dudes in thongs in Miami.
Hawaii is Hawaii. Every NFL guy has been to Miami a dozen times.
Plus, what happens when the Super Bowl goes back to Detroit?
Do we have to try and watch a Pro Bowl where the staring QB’s are Jamarcus Russell and Alex Smith?
I’d still probably watch, but only to see if anyone gets shot in Detroit.

Conan’s Last Dance

January 22, 2010

It’s sad that it’s come to this, but here we are.
For a long time, I looked forward to Conan hosting ‘The Tonight Show’. Now, it’s over before I really got a chance to enjoy it. I barely even got to see any of the episodes.
Sure, the first week I saw all of them, and a few nights a week after that, but then I started to taper off. I wanted to watch, and I liked when I did, but having a job, and a kid, and trying to save money to build a new house can cut into my late night weeknight television. I was certain I would have found a way to watch, if only there was more time.
Now, it’s all gonna be over.
Tonight is the last time Conan will host ‘The Tonight Show’.
Once the Olympics are over, it’s back to jay Leno, and his non-funny version of comedy. We’ll get to see corny jokes, fit only for little old ladies, bible thumper’s, and retards.
And then, I will not only not watch, but I will not plan on watching either.
The only thing remotely funny that Leno does, is ‘Jay Walking’ which takes no actual talent at all, just a camera, and an ample supply of Dumb Californians (which there is more than an ample supply of).
How it came to this, I will never understand. I get that both the ratings for Leno, and Conan were down, and so were the late local news’ ratings. I get that Leno was once “popular” and NBC knows what they are getting with him, but come one, Leno? Over Conan?
It’s like the NFL draft for shitty teams (NBC would be either the Raiders, or the Rams in this case) you need a new QB, and you can either roll the dice, and draft a kid with no NFL experience, or you can go out and sign a guy who played a few games in a back-up roll for the Bills the past few seasons. Sure, he was once good, but he’s old, washed up, and pretty much in-effective at this point. His best years are behind him.
The young kid, may have to either sit for a while, or take a beating the first couple years like Peyton Manning did, but in the end, could end up being twice the player as the old guy.
NBC went with the old guy.
Here’s how it all went down.
Jay Leno, announces he is going to retire, NBC needs to find a replacement. They get Conan signed on, build a 50 million dollar studio for him, and get ready to move on, all systems go. Then one day, Leno says he may not want to retire, and could he keep hosting? NBC doesn’t know what to do. So they decide to finish building Conan’s studio, keep him as host, but also keep Leno around, in a similar, yet slightly different role, just in a different time slot. Sure, Conan never gets a fair chance to get out of Leno’s shadow, and NBC will keep looking over their shoulder at Leno every time Conan’s ratings are low (think the Cleveland Browns QB situation), but it’s Jay Leno, you can’t tell him no.
Throw in the fact that Letterman has a major sex scandal, and confronts it on air (think when Hugh Grant was on Leno) plus CBS is killing in all the other prime time slots that lead into the late local news, and it’s a recipe for disaster.
NBC was left with two options.
Tell Leno, it’s time to go, and replace him with a show that people may actually watch, so the local news affiliates have any kind of a lead in, and have a chance at ad revenue, and then Conan has the same chance Leno had so many years back, when people were watching NBC.
Or,
Keep having no lead-in to the late local news, not have to say “no” to Leno, and move him to just after the news (that still, nobody will be watching), back into his old time slot, and then have Conan still “host the tonight show” even though it won’t technically be “tonight” so much as first thing in the morning.
In the end, NBC could not say “No” to Leno. There was no way they could make him go away, even though nobody is watching his show, and he’ll keep doing to them what Brett pussy-fvarte did to the Packers. The funny thing was, Conan had the balls to say No.
The whole thing wasn’t fair to him, or the Tonight Show, and he called them on it, and for that he was fired.
So here we are, our final night of Conan. Soon there will e no more masturbating bears, the Molecular man, staring contests, Max Weinberg, and Andy Richter, or making fun of that dude who knocked up Sarah Palin’s hot daughter.
I am glad I stayed up these past few weeks though.
I got to see some great stuff. All week, Conan has decided that he was going to cost NBC as much money as possible. He added a new character named “Buggatti the Mouse” (the worlds most expensive sports care with big mouse ears and whiskers glued onto it, while playing an original recording of the Rolling Stones “satisfaction” (all that had to be paid for by NBC). Then he added Kentucky Derby winner ‘Mine That Bird’ wearing a mink snuggie, and watching restricted FOX Super Bowl clips.
Well done Conan, we’ll miss ya.
And Jay Leno sucks.

Genius!

January 20, 2010

In case you aren’t closely following the Massachusetts Senate “special election” race, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version.
It was pretty much all but decided, that a Democrat would take over the Senate seat left when Teddy Kennedy bought the farm. At first, the only question was would that Democrat be a close relative of his? Or would it just be a regular Democrat? Either way, there was pretty much no way a Republican was going to take over Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat.
Then this dude, a republican dude, named Scott Brown, gains a little momentum. The most likely cause, is that his name is Scott Brown. Half the people in Massachusetts think they either went to High School with this dude, or used to live by him. His name is Scott Brown, which I think did used to be my old neighbor’s name.
Then, the race starts to get a little closer, a little tighter, but everyone is still certain the Dems’ will win. This is Massachusetts after all.
Then, in the final days, after Scott Brown had gotten into striking distance, although he still trailed by as much as 17 points in some polls, with just over a week to go, the Democrat’s roster filler Martha Coakley looked to seal the deal. All she had to do was show up, stay legally alive, and win. It’s Massachusetts after all.
And then, something crazy happened.
The only thing Massachusetter’s love more than liberalism, is the Patriots, Celtics, and most importantly, the Red Sox (Beer & Whiskey also fit right up there).
Well when Red Sox curse snapper, and die hard Republican Curt Schilling joined Browns team, everything started to change.
First, you had the Boston Sports fans who knew a vote for a Republican wouldn’t hurt anybody, and switched to Browns side as a thank you to Schilling for the whole bloody sock thing.
Then you had the diehards, who only care about sports, and will do anything Curt Schilling or Tom Brady tell them to.
Then, Martha Coakley opened her mouth. When faced with the question about ‘what she thought about Curt Schilling endorsing the republican brown, she went all “ignorant politician”. Instead of actually knowing who Curt Schilling is, and what he means to Bosox fans, she went the other route. Instead of downplaying the whole thing, or even hinting she may not actually know who Curt Schilling was, she did the worse thing possible.
She decided, that she would try to “play to the common man” and fire up the Red Sox faithful all at once and reply by saying “he’s another Yankee fan”, all his supporters are Yankee’s fans.”
The damage was done.
Little did she know, that Curt Schilling was the guy with the Bloody sock, who lead the Red SOx back from the dead against the Yankees, and then went on to replicate the act while winning the world series. Bringing joy to all of New England.
So by calling him a “Yankee fan”, not only did she piss off every Red Sox fan in Massachusetts (which is like 99.3% of the population), she also revealed the fact that she has no idea who any of the Red Sox players are, nor did she care, and also showed that she was “playing down to the populus”.
Well, in case you missed it, the polls swung anywhere from 9-20 points in a little over a week, depending on which poll. Brown went on to win, and Coakley, is even being laughed at by Bill Buckner right now.
It wa never even supposed to be a game. All she had to do, was pick the ball up, step on first, and head to Washington.
It went right through her legs.

STRANGErs

January 18, 2010

So our house has been on the market now, since just before the Holiday season.
Selling your house sucks.
Don’t get me wrong, I love getting my house ready, so we can all leave, and let total stranger’s explore my house. Knowing that anyone with a realtor, can rob me blind, rifle through my underwear drawer, or erase everything on my DVR, does not sit well with me. Plus, they always want to come on the weekends, which means football time. So far, we’ve been able to get the showings all scheduled around the games I really want to watch, but luck can only last so long.
It’s all starting to get really old.
Today, we got a call from our friend/realtor, asking if we would be able to show the house at 4:30. It was 5 til 4:00 when we got the call. So we picked up the toy’s, put a spit shine on the counter’s and floor, booby trapped my underwear drawer so we would know if it had been tampered with, and headed out.
One of us also has to take the dog, which is usually me.
It’s getting really, really old.
The good news is, as old as it’s getting, we’re getting a lot of traffic. Every weekend, we have 3 or so showings, and usually a couple during the week as well. Sooner or later, some poor saps gotta bite.
The problem is, I don’t know how much more I can take. Considering the heavy traffic our house is seeing in this depressed market, and against the advice of pretty much everyone who has ever sold, or bought a house, I think it’s time to jack the price up fifty grand or so. Sure, it may kill our chances of selling the thing, but not only will it give us the chance to make more cash, it’ll sift out the really serious buyers, but it will keep me from having to deal with strangers in my house.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve developed “problems” dealing with stranger’s, people I don’t like, and pretty much the general public as a whole. I no longer care, so I have no reason to adhere to the social norms.
This is why, I’ve decided that if I’m going to have total strangers peeking through my house, I’m going to have to start fucking with them a little.
Sure, any good realtor will tell you this is a bad plan, but I no longer care. I don’t have to sell my house, I can sit on it until I build my new house, and rent the old one if I have to. So the way I see it, I hold all the good cards in this hand.
It’s the perfect plan.
Not only will I get to maybe sell my house, but I get to fuck with total strangers in the process.
Now, I’m not going to go all “over the top” and make my house into a total freak show or anything. No nude pictures hanging on the walls, no fresh hams curing in the basement, nothing too crazy. What I’m shooting for is a more subtle, deeper level of strange.
I figure if I make it look all nice and pretty, smelling like a candle shop, well lit and clean, then I can really go to town.
For instance, what if you see a nicely updated mid-eighty’s sub-urban Northern Columbus home with an open floor plan, in a great neighborhood, in one of the states best School districts, and all hard-wood, and tiled floors, an updated kitchen, with state of the art appliances, and all the fixings, then, you open the cupboards and discover all of them are filled with an insane amount of bottles of maple syrup? Not just a few bottles of syrup, but hundreds. Many of them open.
Or maybe, in the living room, everything is nice and pretty, and then you notice that the magazine rack is filled with Hustler’s? Hundreds of Hustler’s.
What if you go into the bathroom, and the tiled floors and walls are cleaned nicely, and then there’s a treadmill in the shower?
What do you do then?
Do you buy the house? Do you tell your friends about the syrup?
It’s the perfect plan.
I’m actually gonna enjoy this whole process.

That was fast

January 16, 2010

I decided to ignore the poll results, and go with my heart. I picked Arizona as my playoff team du jour, and well, obviously that did not go well. So my bad Cardinals fans. I’ve already stepped up and offered to pay for Kurt Warner’s wife’s next plastic surgery. The only chick I know, who ten years ago, looked 30 years older.
Anywhoo, I’ll go back to the poll results below to decide who is going to be the next team to have the unfortunate luck of getting picked by me to root for. Right now, both my heart, and the poll results, are leaning towards ‘Nawlin’s.
Rock the vote people, and please comment so I know why you think I should root for one of these teams.

Three Down

January 14, 2010

I’ve recently had to begin my search for which NFL team to pull for in the Playoff’s. This year, with my Bengals being surprise participants, the search began a little late, as I was kind of allowing myself to dream that this would be their year.
Alas, reality has hit me, and now the search begins.
Who will be my temporary team, that makes the NFL playoffs more than just something to bet money on?
I’ve pretty much always hated Dallas, and see no reason to change this policy now. Tony Romo should be imprisoned simply for the fact that he stopped banging the hot country music chick, as well as the fact that he did bang Jessica Simpson.
Minnesota, eh, they used to have a bunch of Buckeyes, and they do have my favorite all time Buckeye, Antwan Winfield now, but then there is the whole “pussy-fvarte” thing.
New Orleans is harmless enough, they have a decent amount of Buckeyes, and are sort of the all-time NFC version of the Bengals, so they may be leading the pack.
Arizona has Beanie, so they have that going for them. However, I want to punch Kurt Warner in the face, and I think they actually suck, so rooting for them may be a lost cause.
Indy, is close to home, has a few Buckeyes, and I kind of don’t hate Peyton Manning. So they too, are in the running.
Baltimore, for Obvious reasons is out of the question. Joe Flacco is fake good, and unless Troy Smith steps in at QB, I will never lower myself to root for the Ravens.
Obviously I hope the entire Jets team, and coaching staff develop a new strand of AIDs that infects only the face, and genitals of its victims, and all die a slow, agonizing death.
I guess that leave’s SanDog. Phillip Rivers, may be my least favorite NFL player not named Shayne Graham, and then I saw this, which completely took them out of the running.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CA2B47_l9kg
Other than actually having intercourse with a dude in that video, I’m not sure L.T. could have made a gayer video. I’m pretty certain “gayer” isn’t an actual word, but no “actual’ word applies as well as “gayer” in this situation.
As awesome as ‘The Superbowl Shuffle’ was, that was as far along the spectrum in the complete opposite direction. They should take away his helmet, and make him play punter for an entire game.

So I guess, I have a decision to make. Who will be my defacto NFL team?
Any suggestions?

What Now?

January 13, 2010

So how do I do it? How do I press on?
It’s not that I expected the Bengals to win it all, or even make the Super Bowl. I just wanted to see one playoff win. I was like 10 the last time it happened. It would have been nice to drink a beer after watching my team win a playoff game. God knows the Reds won’t be giving me that honor any time soon.
Even knowing they weren’t gonna win it all, it’s still hard. Not only are they done for the year, but now I have to listen to mindless bastards who’ll say things like “they weren’t really that good anyway” or “they took advantage of a weak schedule”.
For most of the year, they were good. And now, they’re gone.
Worse yet, the Blue Jackets are playing just well enough to not be the worst team in Hockey, and God only knows when Time Warner Cable will let me Access FSN OH in HD. It’s “unavailable” every single night.
So what am I to do. It’s too early to convince myself that the Reds will be .500 this season, although I do think this is the year they finally do it. Even after they signed the Cuban defector, I’m still finding it hard to get excited.
It’s too cold to do much outside. My son hates his snow boots, and has yet to discover how awesome it is to build snow forts. I of course am borderline too old to build snow forts by myself, so I’ll be waiting at least another year for that.
Even though Evan Turner is back, the Basketball Buckeyes will still only be a first weekend tourney team, and I know it.
My house is for sale, so any major time consuming remodeling projects are unwise at this time. It’s too cold to start building the new house anyway, and I have a bunch of permits I still have to file.
What am I to do?
Should I step up, and do something involving charity work? Should I devote my time to others? Maybe learn to speak another language?
The NBA regular season is horrible, and I’d rather remove one of my testicles than watch that mess.
When does the WNBA start?
This really could be the winter of my discontent.