Best Diet Ever

April 9, 2011

I’m leading a revolution.
I’ve stumled upon what I believe to be the greatest diet, in the history of the world.
This diet makes Jared’s Subway diet look like a trip down the buffet line. It makes Adkins look like a fat, clogged artery retard. South Beach Diet? Please, it’s got nothing on this. P90X, move aside.
Soon I will be on commercials, dumb-assed shows aimed at Soccer Mom’s, and on the cover of books, and audio books.
I may even get an app for my new diet.
It’s not for everyone, but it works, and you can eat whatever the hell you want. If you wanna have a few cocktails, don’t worry, the weight will fall off just the same.
What I’ve been doing, I call the “build a house diet”.
I’ve been working a full time job, and on top of that every spare moment I’ve had has been working at the new house doing all kinds of odds and ends.
I’ll rush home to get supper ready, or to help at bathtime, and then it’s back to work.
If all goes as planned I’ll go about two months without taking a day, or night off, and at the end I’ll have the Body of Leonardo DiCaprio circa the Growing Pains years.
I’m not sure how much weight I’ve actually lost, since I don’t own a scale, and whenever I got to the Dr. I only pay attention to blood pressure, and Choleserol, and my drivers license has the same stats as when I turned 21.
What I do know is, I’ve gained back two belt notches in the past week or so.
So without actual “facts”, and only going off the noticeable weight loss, I’m assuming I’ve lost between 20-60 pounds in the last couple of weeks.
Sure, these estimates may not be exact, but nobody can prove otherwise, so let’s continue.
I eat Granola, fruit, and yogurt for breakfast every day.
I have fast food for lunch almost every day.
I eat whatever time allows for at night, and may even polish off a beer or two.
Not even light beer, either Canadian full octane, or the best German beer in the world, and the weight keeps falling off.
The other day I worked a full day, and then laid a few hundred feet of subfloor, carrying a good deal of it up two flights of stairs myself.
Another day this week, I worked all day, and then insulated a tall, 3-car garage all by myself, as well as a few second floor interior walls. This is a good one, as going up and down a ladder dozens of times is great cardio.
Yesterday, I worked all day, helped unload a shitload of drywall, and also climbed up onto a 2-story 12/12 pitch roof to re-flash and seal off a chimney. This one is priceless, as the intense fear itself caused me to sweat off what I assume was about 15 pounds.
This weekend, I plan to lay tile for about 30 hours, and also drink beer, eat wings, and have some pie, all while still losing weight.
Now, this diet may be a little expensive, but it is worth it.
It also has some health concerns, as it is mainly fueld by coffee,about a gallon a day (gotta have the fluids) and intense cases of the liquid shits do pop up now and then with the whole dehydration, and lack of sleep thing, but it’s worth it.
Not only will I be in the best shape of my adult life, but I can move my family out of this shitbag apartment, and into a brand new house.
So even though this diet will run you easily six-figures, it’s totally worth it.
Instead of buying a treadmill, or some pills, or frozen meals, buy a saw, or a shitload of tile, or exterior drain tiles.
Anything you spend money on, (except beer) is going to help you lose weight, so it’s worth every penny.
Unlike diet things you see on tv, you can, and will actually use these diet tools when you are done.
No equiptment gaining dust in the basement, no DVD’s taking up drawer space, and no freezer burned low-carb pasta dishes going bad in the freezer.
You’ll have a floor to walk on, cabinets to put stuff in, and toilets for, well you know.
So to everyone out there.
If you want to gain some satisfaction, and get back into shape, all while being able to act pious about how you’ve lost weight even though the reason you gained weight in the first place is because you drank too much and were lazy, work a full time job, and just spend every free minute thereafter building a house.
Look at me, I’m living proof.
And by the way, I’m not just the founder of this diet, I’m also a member.
Yesterday I ate wings for dinner, polished off a few beers, and even watched Indiana Jones, and a Reds game, and woke up with my pants fitting even better than before I ate the wings.
Suck it Jared!

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