November 11, 2010

Finally, after month’s of headaches, squabbling, back-and-forth with Idiot County officials, engineers, and over-paid fat-assed architect’s, we have broken ground on our new house.
It was a battle, and there is still a shitload of work to do, but it feels like a huge weight has been lifted, and the hardest part is over.
Now we can build.
Within 24 hours of closing with the title company, we have a basement dug.
It’s just a big hole, but it’s my big hole, and I love it.
The coolest part, as I went out to watch, and take some pictures, so we can boor everyone we know with those gay-assed scrap books of our building process (“look, there’s our cold air return vent being installed”), I discovered, that if you ask enough times, throw a huge fit, roll around on the ground kicking and screaming, they will let you operate the heavy machinery.
In this case, it was a Caterpillar Track-hoe.
And they didn’t just let me drive it, They let me try to dig shit with it, mainly the ceremonial first dig or, “groundbreaking”.
It was awesome.
After a quick 2 minute tutorial on how to operate a really expensive, massive, piece of machinery that I was in no way qualified to operate, or covered by insurance for that matter, it was go time.
I don’t mean to brag, but I was pretty awesome at digging shit up via heavy equipment.
And the cool thing is, I took some cold medicine earlier in the day, going against the recommendation to not operate heavy machinery, and spitting right in the face of danger.
Being a rookie, I was slow at first. I didn’t know that if you started with the bucket on the ground, it wouldn’t have the same force as if you slammed it down, thus not digging quite as much shit up. But I did not let that stop me, I plowed ahead.
I was also instructed, that since it was going to be a big hole, thus a large pile of dirt coming out of the hole, it would be best to try to “throw” the dirt as far away as I could.
The only thing better than digging with a track-hoe, is throwing dirt with a track-hoe.
Pretty much any amount of stress in your life, blows away in the wind when you toss a few hundred pounds of dirt through the air from about 20 feet up.
The thing spins like a dime, and you can raise the arm way up in the air, spin the whole thing really fast, and then flip the bucket, thus causing dirt to go flying, and a huge cloud of dust, and grass.
The only thing I could think of that might be cooler than this, would be to punch a mime in the face.
In my eyes, I was doing an awesome job, and had discovered my new calling in life (since the Reds still won’t return my calls). However, my little adventure had to come to an end.
It was brought to my attention, that I wasn’t as awesome at digging shit up as I thought, and that if I continued to operate the “hoe” it would not only take 3 days to do it, but the hole where my basement is supposed to go would be so jacked up, and un-even, that it would end up costing me thousands of dollars extra in the process.
So I let the “pro” take over.
He has been doing this for almost 30 years, and has used this machine almost every day for the last 2 years when it was purchased, so he may have been a little better at it than me, but I figure with an hour or so of practice, I would be right there with him.
In the end, he did an awesome job. Being in my job, I see a lot of holes in the ground, but this one was the best looking one ever. Not just because it is my giant hole, but because the ground was really awesome, and he did do a perfect job, minus the one little section I may have ruined.
Later they let me get back on one more time with my son there, and he honked the horn, and almost knocked a guy into the hole with the bucket because I un-locked the controls on accident, but all was good.
I’ve spent the last several hours calling people I know telling them about it, and also sending the pictures of my one awesome moment at the helm of a really big toy.
So I have to say, if you ever get the chance to take cold medicine, and hijack a track-hoe, jump on it, and go to town.
Or dig a really big hole.


One Response to “Groundbreaking!”

  1. Steve Shutt said

    I’m going to drive my car into that back-hoe.

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