A Little Too Convenient

November 30, 2009

What a wild wacky week it’s been in the world of sports. Some things expected, some mind blowingly surprising, but everything that went down this past week had me hooked.
First off, Tiger Woods was in a horrible “car accident”. His face got busted up pretty bad in this “car accident”. It occurred the “morning” after Thanksgiving, at almost 3 a.m. and Tiger wasn’t “drinking”, but somehow he managed to crash his Cadillac Escalade through a fire hydrant, and into a tree at the end of his driveway, all by “himself”. It just so happens, that a news story had just broke about Tiger having an affair with some chick who “isn’t in any way skanky-looking”. http://media.sawfnews.com/images/Entertainment/Rachel_Uchitel_Tiger_Woods_mistress.jpg 
I gotta say, I think Tiger can do a lot better than some old lady in a blue pantsuit. It’s not even a very nice pant-suit either. Oh well, it’s his life.
Anywhoo, I digress. So Tiger was “sober” and leaving his house “in no hurry” well after midnight. He hit this tree at a speed slow enough to not set off the airbags, or do any major damage to the car except for the bumper. His wife, who just so happened to also be awake at this time, and down by the road, and conveniently carrying a golf club when all this went down. She “went to his rescue”, saw that he had bumped into a tree, and was in need of a rescue. So she busted out the back windows of the escalade with the golf club so she could “save him”. He also had cuts to his face from the ‘car accident”, blood in his mouth, and was drifting in and out of conciousness. All from the “car accident”.
I can buy that.
So a super in-shape dude, crashes his rather large SUV into a tree, not fast enough to set off the airbag, and was knocked out. His teeny-tiny hot assed wife went to go save him. Instead of opening the driver’s door, the passenger door, or either of the rear passenger doors, the damage from the low-speed accident was so bad that she had to break out both rear windows, so she could “carry” her 200 plus pound superstar husband, who wasn’t just busted for banging some waitress in Australia. Adrenaline can do crazy things, sounds do-able to me. Besides, she lives in a golf course community, and her husband is a golfer, so that must be why she had a golf club with her at 3 a.m.
Maybe Tiger did really hit his face “repeatedly” on the steering wheel. It all sounds good to me.
Of course we could consider one other option.
After Tiger’s affair became public, and his wife found out, Tiger discovered his wife is a high-ranking member of the Swedish mafia, and had to put him in check with a 9 iron.
That would explain the busted face, and him being knocked out. But how did the crazy scenario of the low-speed wreck come about. I think it went something like this.
…..”Tiger honey, I’m sorry I had to hit you with the golf club again, but you left me with no choice. I warned you about banging skanky cocktail waitresses. Now if anyone asks what do you say?” said Elin, as she twirled the 9 iron in front of a bleeding Tiger.
“I had another car accident. Honey, I’m so sorry.” cried Tiger
“Good boy”. said Elin. “Now go crash that shitty American made SUV into the neighbors tree again, I’ll knock out the rest of the windows to make it look like a really bad accident.”
“Yes Elin. Whatever you say.” said Tiger, as he choked on his own blood. I’ll never do it again honey I swear. Please put down the golf club.
And then Tiger drove down the driveway. As Elin lit a cigar, and wiped the splattered blood off her giant diamond ring.

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