Staring down death

Today i learned some news that could one day be my downfall. While reading various crap on the internet, I discovered the most shocking news story of all time. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/01/090126082343.htm?ref=aggre_pop 

Oh My God!

How screwed am I? I went ahead and put my name on the list for a Prostate transplant. Lets hope I get one from somebody a hell of a lot less perverted than me. To think, all those years I just wrote it off as my 30 minutes of daily excercise, and it could one day spell the end of me. How can this be? What God would do this to people. If it’s so bad for you, why did they make it so fun? Next they’ll tell me bourbon and beer are bad for you too. This changes pretty much everything. What will I do with my spare time. What about morning wood? it’s just gonna taunt me. I have no will power, I’m a goner. There has to be some loophole, some get out of jail free claus with the findings of this study. Maybe it’s just for people who only do it “a little too much”. Maybe it’s like cigarrettes, and gin. A little too much is deadly. Way too much, and you live forever, like Phyllis Diller, and the Rolling stones dude. When news like this comes around, I turn to religion. “Are you there God, it’s me Chris”. “I could really use some help on this one. I thought it was o.k. ” I was just experimenting. Is this why I pee so much at night? I’m not gonna lose a ball am I? I know you and I aren’t all that close, and it’s cool, I’ll let that whole “Bengals Collapse” thing slide, if you can just help me out on this one. Amen.” and so I waited.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/26/masturbation-can-help-pro_n_161114.html 

It’s a miracle! I got a fightin’ chance. This is the best news I’ve gotten since that blood test came back Positive. All I got to do, is find out a way to make it 20 more years. I have to summon up some will power, and I can beat these odds. I can be the lance armstrong of perverts. I can survive! Who am I kidding. Nobody. My only chance is to somehow suspend time for 20 years. I need to freeze myself, and be woke up when I’m legally 50 ears old, and then I can go to town. But, think of what I might miss. Blue Jackets actually making the playoffs. The yearly comeback of the McRib, any of my teams actually winning a title (I know, I know) my kid growing up. All kind os stuff. The stakes are too high. I’m just gonna tough this one out. I am who I am. Maybe a little moderation could be in store. Doubtful, but it sounds better than calling in sick with morning wood.