Keeping the Faith

September 18, 2008

Recently, I have learned that a dear friend of mine, somebody I’ve known my entire life, and think of as a big brother, has denounced his religion. Not just his religion, but all religions. He apparently no longer believes in God. This may have been going on for some time, but now it’s official. He has gone over to the Dark side. Soon he will be wearing thrift store sweaters, and square rimmed glasses, and telling us all how much smarter he is than us. He’ll be dangerous behind the wheel, because he’ll be talking on a bluetoothe earpiece, and closing his eyes when he talks. He’ll move on to gay liberal thoughts such as, “If there were no religions, there would be no wars” or “we all came from monkeys”. Now I believe creatures do evolve, just not that we all came from the same little creature. I believe in Evolution to an extent, but if that is the one true answer, then why are there still monkeys, if that’s what we all used to be. Shouldn’t there still be giraffes with regular sized necks? Why are there no three boobed strippers? Everyone would like that, shouldn’t we be naturally evolving towards that. At School dances, the chicks with the big boobs, always got asked to dance first. Shouldn’t women all be naturally evolving to have bigger racks? Science can’t answer these questions, but I can. Giraffes have long necks cause god wanted them to look funny. We still have women without big boobs, because God likes all different kinds of chics, he may even be an ass man, who knows. Either way, my friend’s soul is in danger. The thing about religion is, if there is no God, then we all still end up the same in the end. If there is a god, those who swear him off are pretty well fucked. I’ve taken it upon myself, to bring my friend back into the light. I’m not saying he has to carry around a bible, or listen to shitty christian rock music. Just not swear off religion. A while back, I got on-line to a website that will make you ordained in just about any crazy religion you want. You can even make your own religion. I chose a general faith religion, and became ordained. The plan was, I would be able to pull off shotgun weddings, or baptise somebody in a pinch. you can never be too prepared. I also kinda wanted to be the first one to preside over gay marriages in Ohio. It wasn’t legal, but it was on the ballot, and I didn’t want to miss out. I don’t really agree with gay marriages, but I hold no grudges, and it would have been a sweet way to bring in some extra cash, since I would have a corner on the market. I still may do some gay marriages if anyone is interested. I charge $100.00 and a case of beer. For an extra $10 bucks, this website would mail you a certificate saying you were ordained. I didn’t buy it then, cause I had no use for it yet. I do now. The next time my friend leaves town on business, I’m going to his house and baptising his daughters. I’ll post the video on-line, and send it to him on his phone. You see, he may have swarn off God, but a higher power has thrust upon me the duty of bringing him back. I ask for the help of anyone out there who will listen Please save my friends soul. If anyone is wondering his “blog name” rhymes with “Blo-bitsu”, and he needs our help. If you see him, he thinks help bring him back. Also, he thinks you are all monkey’s, so it is appropriate to throw your own feces at him, he’ll understand. Also, say a prayer for our poor lost friends soul. Next time any sees or talks to him, try to sell him on religion. It may not be your religion, but give it a shot. I’ll be trying to get him to either join Budhism, or Jedi.

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Pissed on, Pissed off

September 17, 2008

So yesterday, I again got the chance to work outside, and help my company get caught up. The job site I was at, was just a really big custom built home, still in the early phases of construction. There wasn’t much chance of too many other people working at this job, so I would have some time to reflect. As I pulled up, I saw the first sign that this day would kinda suck. The recent midwestern Hurricane, had blown over the portable shitter. The other bad omen, was that there was a crappy van parked out front. I was not alone. There would be no working in the nude on this day. I pressed on, and got to work. Basically, I just had to nail a bunch of stuff, up against the outside walls of the house. In one particularly awkward corner of the house, I had to kneel down, to work. It was all wet, and smelled like piss. The assholes who were working there, had decided this was the new bathroom, since the shitter had blown over. I had yet to get any piss on me, but I was still not happy. This place was in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by woods. There was at least 8 other inside corners on this foundation, yet fate had decided mine was the one to piss in. A short while later, I was working around the other corner, when I heard someone walking towards “the piss corner”. I walked back around the corner to intervene. It was a pretty squirrely looking fella, on his way to pee. He kinda stopped, thinking I would keep moving, so he could go about his business. I was holding a large hammer, and I looked at him and said, “the ladies room is closed” He said “huh?” I pointed the hammer at him, and said, “don’t piss on the walls, people have to work here, go piss in the woods” He kinda just had that look that stupid people have, when they are forced to use concious thought. He said, “I didn’t pee on the walls” and walked away. Victory for me. I was quite the hardass. This was more than a moral victory for me. Since my company does work on new foundations, they are always complaining to me about how at this, or that job site, somebody had been pooping down in the footers, where they have to work. I always tell them, I’ll get to the bottom of it, and take care of it. I never do anything, usually I just laugh once they leave. Something about the thought of my idiot workers stumbling upon a pile of man turds makes me laugh. The best is when they discover the poop had been lightly covered with stones, and they had stepped in it. This makes them especially angry, and I have to fight to control my laughter until they leave. Well today, I had to confront this type of behavior myself, and I have to admit, it does suck, knowing that people have been using the bathroom right where you have to work. It makes me want to find a janitor and give him a hug. Later in the day, the redneck I had confronted, came up to me, and asked if he could get me anything from the store down the road. I kindly said no, but thanked him for asking. Not only was I a badass, but they now respected me, and were trying to win my favor. I had won. This morning, I had to go back there to finish things off. I couldn’t find the little bucket I had used to carry nails in. Oh well, I must have left it there. As I pulled up, I was the only one there, life was good. I walked around by the garage, and noticed my little bucket-o-nails was sitting right where I had left it. Fate was now totally on my side, all that was left to do was grab the bucket, and go to work. The damn bucket had been filled, nearly to the top, with what I am pretty certain could be none other than piss. Those magnificent bastards had struck back. Truly I had lost. I gotta hand it to them, I couldn’t have done it any better myself. They acted like everything was cool, but they were just waiting for me to leave, and then they struck. To think, when that guy offered to buy me something to drink, he bought the very fuel they used for this prank. I can’t help but wonder. If I had taken them up on their offer, would the bucket have been as full? The van full of rednecks never returned, and I’m kinda glad. I’m not sure how I would have handled the situation. Would I have smashed their empty little heads in with my hammer? Would I have gave them props on the ultimate payback? Who knows. Maybe some day fate will make our paths cross. Maybe someday.

Chris gets a freebie

September 16, 2008

So tonight, the dubious task of taking the car in for a scheduled service fell upon one of us. As the other option was to breast feed a baby, I was elected to take the car in. I am unfit for breast feeding, as I had a couple beers at lunch. So I managed to guess the severity of the rush hour traffic, and which route would pass through the fewest non-functioning stoplights, and got to the dealer just a few minutes early. Usually I get out of mindless tasks such as this, and don’t take my vehicle to the dealer for work. I choose speed over reputation, and go whereever gets me in and out the fastest, even if it costs more. Since I was new to the game of Manufacturer’s auto service, I was completely unprepared. I had no idead how long this would take. We had an appointment, this should get us right in and out, right? Wrong. Apparently everyone else there knew about this, as they all brought supplies. Everything from good reading material, ipods, coffee, to fast food. Everyone else there was enjoying themselves, except me. After I finished reading mondays USA today, I was still about an hour from when they said my vehicle would be done. The service guy I had given my keys to approached me. A miracle! they were done early! Wait. He was carrying something (Shit!) It was a piece of our car (double Shit!). Apparently one of our brakepads had an issue. I know next to nothing about brakes, but this thing looked fucked up. Sadly, I gave him the go ahead for the add-on repair. He gave me a strange grin, that was a mix of, hey ‘I just screwed this guy with the ole show em somebody else’s messed up break pad trick’, and ‘Have fun watching CNN on mute for another hour’. So there I was forced to sit and read about Tom Brady’s Jet, and the finest places to eat Sea Urchin in New York, in the recent edition of ‘Forbe’s Life’. Every once in a while I was distracted by the nerdie guy who was “threatening” his bastard kids with “time-out”. He would alert them when their annoying behavior had elevated from a “level one no-no” to the always feared “level two no-no”. They were really scared.  After fanatsizing about all the different ways I could smack this father hard enough to separate his bluetooth earpiece from his head, I had to get some air. There is no more peacefull place on this great earth, to walk, and collect your thoughts like a car lot. As soon as I could feel my sanity returning, one of them would strike. Eager little bastards, just waiting to cut me a deal on a new car. They all had their own approach. The fat guy with the limp, playing the sympathy card. The slick bastard, with the real go getter approach. The old smokers cough chick who, I’m sure has jacked off more than her share of clientel. Walking through a car lot, is my idea of hell. The fear of having to spend extended periods of time with salesman, has lead me to the theory of driving my truck until it breaks in half, and then going into a dealer, throwing a bunch of money at one of them, and just taking whatever they give me. About halfway down the gauntlet, I remembered I had the little buzzer thing they gave me to let me know when my car was ready. This is when it got fun. As soon as one would start his break towards me, I’d whip it out. Waving it in their face. Every once in a while I would let one get really close, then I’d do a little spin move, showing them I was there for a repair with my little buzzer. This thing was like waving a cross in a vampires face. All their hopes and dreams went down the shitter, and they would scurry back to their hiding places, waiting for the next victim. Soon, my buzzer went off. My car was done. This was great because I had run out of salesmen to fuck with. When I got to the counter, a new service guy was waiting for me. He did the whole run down of all the useless shit they had done to my car, rotate this, change that, free car wash, blah blah blah. He mentioned how my brake pads were fine, and would make it to the next scheduled service. “Stop!” I said, “Go Back”. He repeated about how the old pads were fine, but would need replaced soon. I asked him why the original dumb bastard had showed me a worn out busted in half brake pad, that may or may not have come from my car, which I gave them the go ahead to replace the brake pads on. Why I had waited there for an extra hour if they had not changed the pads. This puzzled everyone greatly. He told me to wait a few more minutes, he was “going to get to the bottom of this”. I just wanted to go home. It was 8:00, I had not eaten since 11:00, and they had taken away my little buzzer thing that scares away the salesmen. I was fucked. After about ten minutes of mindless chat with the old lady receptionist, our hero returned. Apparently they had changed my Brake Pads, just that the guy who sold them never wrote down that he had, and the guy who replaced them never wrote down that he had. This is a “level 3 No-No”. Apparently this particular car company is big on details and paperwork, and those guys not writing this down would result in them getting a warning, and the only way to teach them a lesson is to not charge me for the new brakes, and to take it out of their pay. Now that is discipline I can appreciate. The bad news, was that it would be another 10 or so minutes, so they could print out new paperwork, noting the “free” brake pads, and the thickness of them (I guess that is important). Oh well, for free shit, I can wait. Besides, I had screwed over a non-american car manufacturer, screwed them right out of $149, plus tax. There you go UAW folks, I just took away from the profit of your competition. I am a true American hero.

Blown Away

September 15, 2008

No, not the Buckeyes. No, not the Bengals. No, I’m not looking ahead to the reds 2009 season. I’m talking about the hurricane that ripped through Central Ohio sunday. What the hell was that all about? Has god turned on us? Pretty much every Ohio Team got rolled this past weekend, and then the whole state blew down. For some miracle, my little pocket of heaven still has electricity, but we are in the minority. According to reports, wind gusts in our suburb of Columbus hit 75 mph. This makes it actually a categorie 1 hurricane. So I have to ask myself this. Exactly how does a hurricane hit central Ohio? Just how far inland do you have to move to avoid a hurricane? The dessert has sandstorms, and fires. Kansas has tornadoes. Missouri has inbread hicks, and Indiana has the godless amish. Ohio was supposed to be the last bastion of safety. Seeing as the majority of the city, and the most of the state has no idea how to handle hurricanes. Things are a little jacked up right now. Every now and again, you will see a stoplight, that is working. Apparently the rule of thumb for the ones that don’t work, is it becomes a 4-way stop, for everyone. The coolest part of this, is most of the retards in columbus have no idea that this is the new rule. It’s really sweet, when you wait for the nervous lady across from you, to finally turn so you can go, only to almost get picked off by a redneck, who’s dreaming of the dozens of dollars to be made from picking up peoples branches, and flies through the intersection. I like these people, and really wish I could see what is going through their meth filled brains. Did they not notice, every other driver just randomly stopping at all the unlit lights? Do they think the rules only apply to people not listening to R.E.O. Speedwagon? Maybe they are just too good for our petty little rules. In fact, the entire city of columbus is now being run on the honor system. People trusting one another to not kill them on the road. People trusting one another to not loot all the stores who no longer have security systems. People trusting the semi-retarded rednecks and mexicans who are picking up sticks across the street, as they hand lower their garage door (with no lock) on their way to work. After observing daily life of Columbus residents for the past several years, it’s safe to say we are all fucked. The honor system does not work, where there is no honor. After this weekends sporting events, in which the state of Ohio was forced to deal with it’s futility, our fair citizens are already  on the edge. Now, with a hurricane knocking us back into the stoneage, it’s just a matter of time before we have to have tanks rolling down the street, just to restore order. Had the buckeyes actually beat USC. There would be mass looting, as no stores have power, and they all sell Buckeye stuff, and it would take the cops 2 hours to get there, because we have no stop lights, and there is an accident at every corner. I’m gonna go ahead and declare martial law now. Not for the whole city, but for my block. This could finally give me the chance to fulfill my lifelong dream of accidentally shooting someone. In fact, I think everyone in Ohio should carry a gun for the next few weeks, just to see what happens. Let it be known, I take no responsibillity for retards shooting one another, unless I fire first.

Special Edition

September 15, 2008

Due to the fact that I am ready to snap at a moments notice. I cannot be trusted to type things that will be shown on any of the internets. So I’ve decided to bring in a guest blogger, from Ecuador named Jeremy. It may not be as cool as the Dukes of Hazard was when the real characters were on strike, and they had to bring in their shitty cousins Coy, and Vance, who were strikingly similar to Bo and Luke, but this will get the job Done. Like Coy and Vance, my guest blogger will not be replacing me. More likely, this site will get cancelled do to slander lawsuits, or Ohio Sports teams sucking too bad. So sit back, and enjoy. Our guest Blogger comes all the way from South America. Thanks to the internet, he has been able to follow the Heartbreak of being an Ohio sports fan the last few years, and can provide a different perspective on things. As well as being a sports fan, he also throws up in vans, so he knows his shit.

Well what can I say friends – OSU had its third poor performance in a Big game over the last couple of years. As an OSU fan, I have no problem handling the humbling defeat nor do I have a problem with all the bad-mouthing OSU will receive nationally. Hell, we deserve a little rubbing – we didn´t come to play in those games – no we came to play, however, it was apparent our fine coach didn´t intend to do the kind of coaching we have come to expect. I was especially disheartened to hear USC´s awesome linebacker say that Ohio State played exactly like they did on film – they changed nothing. So….it is true, Jim Tressel coaches all year to prepare for Michigan, which in Ohio, is the biggest game of the year and Jim has done a fine job in the past against Michigan. We OSU fans are a weird breed, OSU could go 1-11 during the season, but if that win is against Michigan – we deem it a successful year.

What saddens me friends is that I hate for OSU to somehow give the Big 10 a bad rap. I would like to see a BCS game played in January, outside, in Wisconsin or Minnesota or Pennsylvania or Ohio or yes, even Michigan. Let´s see how USC, LSU, Florida, Georgia, and the like play in real football weather. The Big 10 is a fine league and all the west coast offenses and swarming defenses of the south wouldn´t stand a chance if they played their whole schedule against Big 10 teams – spoken like a true fan eh?

Anyhow, as you OSU, Big 10, and even Notre Dame (I include you, because you have taken a beating during this decade – even by us Big 10 supporters) fans are faced with the people bashing your team and or your conference, take heart I have some help for you:

OSU on the National bowl stage over the last 6 years:

01-03-2003 Win 31 – 24 against Miami in the Fiesta Bowl – National Championship Game
01-02-2004 Win 35 – 28 against Kansas St. in the Fiesta Bowl
12-29-2004 Win 33 – 7 against Oklahoma St. in the Alamo Bowl
01-02-2006 Win 34 – 20 against Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl
01-08-2007 Loss 14 – 41 against Florida in the BCS Championship Game
01-07-2008 Loss 24 – 38 against LSU in the BCS Championship Game

Colleges With Most Draft Picks
College Number
Notre Dame 461
USC 450
Ohio State 383
Oklahoma 334
Michigan 330
Nebraska 328
Tennessee 320
Penn State 312
Texas 312
Miami (FL) 293

What happened to the SEC and PAC-10 only 1 team each??? The Big 10 has 3!!!

Number of First Round Draft Picks by Conference:

* Big 10 — 292 – wow, how about that?

* SEC — 278

* ACC — 224

* Pac-10 — 223

* BIG 12 — 221

AND….the coup de gras…. so many people in the media devout so much time to debunking OSU and the Big 10 that something must be going right. Seriously, if OSU and the Big 10 are really that bad we wouldn´t hear about them at all. I mean, let´s talk about the Sunbelt Conference. They are awesome and we hear sooooo much about them.

Ok, I know, I am just disgruntled, but come on. Last year LSU beat OSU for the National Title. LSU lost 2 games that season – were they really the best team in the country? Obviously two other teams could beat them. If OSU had won, would they have been the best even though they lost a regular season game to a Big 10 opponent? BCS games and big national match-ups determine one thing – which team is better on any given day. As a former coach, I know the role that momentum plays in a game and I know the role that one single play or even during a game can have on its outcome.

So here I am, another supporter of a play-off system for NCAA Division I football. Each conference gets to put say…their top 2-3 teams into the playoffs – the independents get 1-2 teams as well. Brackets are made up like NCAA basketball – and their you have it. Any team that can make it through that deserves to be called #1. All teams start the season with a non-conference game that doesn´t count against their conference standings – this will encourage teams to play good opponents – because there is no penalty for losing this game and no advantage to winning it. I am a visionary, at least 20 minutes ahead of my time.

Yeah, I was bored this morning and not ready to do work at my office. I am dedicating the rest of this NCAA football season to the support of the Big 10. Wisconsin and Penn State, you have my support, even if you beat OSU (blasphemy I know), to make it to a title game and kick the crap out of whomever is your opponent. But we all know that the Big 10 eats its own.

Let me be the first Buckeye fan, to stand up, and talk trash after the devastating ass-kicking to USC. I realize we were playing by a different set of rules than everyone else. I realize that our only chance to go to the BCS game was to upset the #1 ranked team in the nation on their own field. I realize that Georgia got a victory handed to them by a worthless confrence oponent. I realize that what happened in the last two title games means everything. I mean shouldn’t we just eliminate OSU from being in contention from here on out? Just so we could make all the fat assed sports reporters, bloggers, and gay kids on the message boards happy? ( Please note: the author assumes anyone who has commented on a message board sucks cock, at least semi-professionally) I mean, imagine how good the film industry would be, if we could have just stopped that no-talent Hack, Martin Scorcese from making movies after the first few times he fell just short. Wasn’t the dissapointment at the Oscars enough. after such films as, ‘Taxi Driver’, ‘Raging Bull’, ‘The Color of Money’, ‘The Last Temptation Of Christ’, ‘Cape Fear’, ‘Goodfellas’, ‘Casino’, Gangs Of ‘New york’, ‘The Aviator’, enough to keep him from letting us down? Man what a dissapointment that dude has been. I won’t even watch those movies, just because they weren’t the best ever. It’s not like he ever came back from coming up short, in the public’s eye. Imagine how sweet this world would be without that movie ‘The Departed’. Oh Wait, it won it all? Redemption can come? I can still root for OSU? But I thought that once the fat fuckers turned on you, you had to disband? So we still have a chance? Yes, OSU still has a chance, and yes they are still better than you, here’s why.

To the USC fan. There’s like an 87% chance you are mexican, and not even a citizen of the U.S., but we will accept your cash, just not your vote. As with any B list star, Like Eric Estrada, or Snoop Dog, Or Will (I did have one good movie) Ferrell (am I still funny?), way to pick a team. Too bad nobody 10 years ago would root for USC. Too bad your fan base has the attention span of a Nick Lachey Marriage. Too Bad none of you even know O.J’s full name, or whether or not your teams mascot is a horse, or the gay fucker on top of it. Too bad you aren’t even sure of the word for the shitty colors that make up your teams jersey. Since the NFL left town, Pete Carol is all you have left. He’s an amazing coach, and he’ll welcome you to the bandwagon. Too Bad none of your actual fans know anything about football. As soon as the UFC holds a fight in L.A., nobody will care about USC.  As soon as a gang chooses new colors, nobody will care about you. Yes you kicked the shit out of my Buckeyes. Yes you “saved” college football. Anyone wanna take odds on whether or not this game is in the record books in 10 years? Thats right, people do take notice. You guys are great, but nothing fucks up a dynasty like probation, and NCAA sanctions. What ever happened to the whole Reggie Bush’s House thing? Lower class families moving into 700K houses without signing papers? Moving out the day the story gets into the papers? What about the one fucker with “Pay Day” written on his eyeblack? What about The dude who was arrested by police, and still dressed, and took the field for you today? Yeah you guys are great. Yeah you’re cheerleaders are hotter than ours, but I’ll see them on internet porn in a year or so. Nobody cares about you, your fruity “laid Back” hollywood lifestyle. We’ll see how awesome you are when the rest of the world forgets about you. Then again, half your fans will be on their way back into the country, and will have no idea what I’m, talking about. As for you. The lakers, Dodgers, or any NFL team within shouting distance still have no chance at winning a title any time soon, so I’d wash that Trojan Jersey, because it’s all you have for the next several years, but then again, as soon as UCLA basketball wins it all, who gives a shit?

We here in Buckeye land, may not win it all. Hell, I’ve been here about 30 years, and we’ve only won it once. I have friends who are Michigan Fans. They owned us forever, now we own them, and they’ll own us again. We root for our teams day-in-day-out. We don’t need commentators, or celebrities to tell us our team is awesome. Hell, Tara Reid, is the biggest celebrity Buckeye fan we have. Is she dead yet? Nobody cares. But we still care about our team. There once was a guy who played for OSU, won a couple Heisman trophies, which nobody else has ever done. He fell one game short a couple times. Does this make him worthless? Hell no. In the name of Archie, get back up Buckeye fans. We stand by our team, win lose, or mexican. Some day we’ll be back on top. The rest of the time, we’ll be right there looking up. So we lost to a bunch of Godless Californians. Those bastards elected Arnold Schwartzenegger, what do they know? Advantage: OHIO. As for the rest of you. Lay it on us. This was our one chance, and we blew it. However, I’ll take the odds on this one. Chances are you either just did, or will someday soon get your whole world torn to shit by a hurricane, earthquake, Bird-flu epidemic, or ATF bust, which I will watch on (hopefully) HD t.v. and laugh, while wearing my OSU jersey.

Buckeye Battle Cry!

September 11, 2008

Time to rally the troops.

This is it. I’m moving on. No more negativity. I no longer care about championships, the SEC, the Big Toe, or those damned Gel things from Dr. Scholls. I had my moments of negativity, and I’ve flushed them from my system. I know Beanie is now worse off than he was a day ago. I know practicing him may have been stupid. I know I forgot to deliver on my promise of dropping off a bunch of Dr. Scholl’s gellin’ in-soles. But who cares. I know we almost lost to OU, but who cares. That would have just lead to the biggest party in the history of the world, and Athens Ohio, would have been one big smoldering couch fire. I know I’ve been down on my bucks the past week or so. I know I’ve said pleanty of negative things, but that was cool then, because people would re-assure me that life would go on. Well life is going on. We’re still undefeated. USC has yet to gain a yard on our defense. Remember all those guys we were hoping would come back for one more year? They’re still here. Remember when we said how sweet it would be if Lawrence Wilson was healthy? He is. Remember how we said it would kick ass if Brandon Saine, and Terrell Pryor would be on the field together? They still can be. Remember when we said, if Todd Boekman could just not suck? Well he hasn’t fucked anything up yet. Come on Buckeye fans! Remember how mad you were at Carson Palmer? Bring it back, the Bengals are going to suck for the foreseeable future, so I don’t care what you say about him now. Let’s go! This is it, game time. THE Game. No more whining about stupid feet, or not being able to bring our band. No more worrying about if we win. Remember when I got us all the Big Ten Network? Get your jersey out, grab some beers, and lets go. Win or Lose, we’re still the Buckeyes. We still got the awesome Band. We still go to great Bowl Games every year. We still have a shot to win it all. We still party like nobody else. We still have the greatest traditions, the best stadium, and the 88th best looking cheerleaders. (we’re gaining on you BYU) We can still win this thing. Lets all stop acting like the world has ended. We can beat these guys. They’ve played one game. I know they scored a bunch of points, but it was Virginia. Virginia will be lucky if they get to play in the ‘Gary Indiana Chamber of Commerce Abortion Bowl’. Who cares. Virginia is like the 6th best team in the A.C.C., which may be the only BCS confrence worse than the Big ten. Come on folks, don’t give up on us yet. Tressell is due. USC, is all hype. If this game is close in the 4th quarter, it’s over, OSU on top. They run a Pro style offense, we eat those up. Half their team has Jock itch, remember? Everyone get up off your asses, stop worrying about what the commentators on t.v. and the fat kids on the message boards will say about us if we lose. Those guys have been laid less than a level 6 Dungeon Master. Those guys have played as much football as a Guatemalan street whore. Who cares what they say. USC, is a bunch of over-hyped pansies. How’s matt lienhart doing these days? Remember Mike Williams? What about O.J.? Buckeye fans, get up and talk some trash. Enjoy the moment. These are the good ole days, right now. We’re a double digit underdog, it’ll make it that much sweeter when we win. Remember Miami? Lets get the swagger back. We will win this one. It will be close, but we’ll win. Maybe even overtime.

Now if, we should fall at the hands of those godless bastards, it’s all over. We need to go into hiding. Go to the mattresses, so to speak. Turn off your t.v, your radio, and you internets. It’s all over. Until then, sit back, enjoy the moment, celebrate your team, and Let’s go Bucks. If anyone tries to talk to you, I don’t care who they are, your boss, your spouse, a cop, just scream. Right in their face. O! H! If they don’t give the proper reply, they must be one of them, and you should kick them in the nads.   O!-H! Now lets go.

MonsterQuest

September 10, 2008

I was flippin through the channels, when I stumbled upon the show MonsterQuest, on History HD. I was looking for shows about 9/11, but apparently my calendar is broken. Anywho, the title of the show was ‘The Ohio Grassman’ I tuned in, because I thought it might be about some of the kids I went to High School with, who sell pot. It’s not. Apparently there is a Big Foot creature in Ohio. The whole show is based on stupid white people, who claim to have seen a Wookie in Ohio. They all tell the story or stories about when they saw the BigFoot in Ohio, many even star in the re-enactments of their sightings. They also throw in some shitty footage, and other evidence, that this thing actually exists. This pisses me off. I’ve seen this particular show before, they have everything from a white trash dude, who claims to have been almost carried away by a giant bird. A teenwolfe in wisconsin, and Americas own Loch-Ness Monster. White people seem to be the only ones who ever see crazy shit like this. This goes right along with my theory on Exorcists. It only happens to white people. Most are fat, and bald, or even have a pony-tail. Has anyone ever seen any of the shows about people who are posessed by demons? they are almost always white, and super religious. Sometimes they have south americans, or eastern europeans, but those people are super catholic, so they are disqualified, on the whole crazy religious thing. It’s the same theory for the crazy “monster” thing. Only white people ever see this shit, or feel the need to tell people about it. Just once, I want to see somebody who isn’t at all religious be “posessed” by satan. Just once I want to hear some dude from Compton CA claim to need an excorcist. Why don’t black dudes ever see BigFoot? I want to see a bunch of Jewish dudes sitting out in the woods at night looking for monsters. I think the real reason could be that white people are just plain retarded. Those dudes who held that press confrence, and got on CNN last month, claiming to have a bigfoot corpse in a freezer…white dudes. Why can’t white people as a whole just be content on the outlets for retardation that society already provides. Wrestling wasn’t enough, so we came up with MMA. Larry the Cable Guy made like 9 movies. There’s like 30 kinds of energy drinks at every convenience store. NASCAR is like the entire year. Shouldn’t this be enough?

Some of the retarded white people in this show go out almost every weekend looking for the “Ohio Grassman”. From where they seem to be looking, is just over an hour from my house. I am currently looking for volunteers to go fuck with these guys. I was thinking, that since they are out there every night, looking for the “grassman” with a bunch of different cameras, the nice thing would be to give them one. I know, one guy dressed up in a chewbacca costume walking past their camera would be pretty sweet. How sweet would it be if they stumbled upon an all-male wookie orgy? I figure 7 volunteers should do it.

Is Beanie Gellin’?

September 10, 2008

With all the hoopla surrounding Chris Wells’ big toe/ball of the foot, one thing pops into my mind. “Is he gellin’? If not. Why not? The whole fate of buckeye nation could be resting on that foot. Wouldn’t it be in everyones best interest if he was gellin’, like those guys in the commercials? According to T.V. which never lies, anyone who uses Dr. Scholl’s gel in-soles, has amazing results. It’s like the fountain of youth, a winning lottery ticket, viagra, and that Jessica Simpson Acne medicine, all in one. It makes everyones life better. I’m not saying Beanie Wells needs to be acting like an airplane glue sniffing homo, like the guys in the commercials, but the in-soles may help him run. The guys who wear them in the commercials, always have an amazing ear-to-ear grin. No matter how bad the situation, they’re always smiling, and they attribute it to the gellin’. Whether it be a car crash, or a wedding, the gel helps them get through a shitty situation. I think the Gel will help the buckeyes. I just hope the OSU coaches are as smart as I am. I think they fly out tomorow, I may run down to campus and drop of a bunch of Dr. Scholls Gel In-soles to the team, before they leave. I think they’d like that. Beanie looks like a size 13 to me. If I can get him gellin’ it’s a guaranteed victory for Ohio State, so I may have to bet the farm on this one.

According to reports, Vince young may be going insane. He may be about to kill himself. Apparently he left his home in distress, and his family had to contact the Tennessee Titans, who had to contact the police, who had to hunt him down. They now say, all is fine with vinnie, he was just having a bad week, after still not being able to throw a football, and getting hurt. His home town fans booed him, which would make anyone cry. All this could be just dandy, for Buckeye nation, as our golden boy Terrell Pryor, is always compared to none other, than Vince Young. Really I don’t care if Terrell can run as fast as Vince, dodge, or break tackles like him, or even if he can throw as bad a him. All I care about, is that he can one day, in the near future, have a public breakdown like vinnie young. Buckeye fans need more than a bunch of dissapointment. Ever since Maurice Clarrett got sent to prison, life has gotten dull. Sure we have promising years, get our hope up, and our hearts ripped out, but we need more. Having Terrell Pryor bust out the Grey Goose, and the body armour, could change all that. A public breakdown, on the streets of columbus, is all we need. No matter how bad the rest of the season gets, our children are our future. Watching them implode right in front of our eyes makes up for everything.

HD Baby!

September 9, 2008

My love for all things HD is well known. However, there is still waay too many aspects of my everyday life, that aren’t found in HD. First, is Hurricane coverage. maybe it’s my shitty Time Warner, but none of the hardcore Hurricane networks, are broadcasting in HD. I realize a lot of peoples lives are being ruined by these things, but I can’t help but tune in. If it’s so bad, why are we sending our nations greatest natural resources like, Geraldo Rivera, and Anderson Cooper? These guys are almost as important as our reality TV stars. Would we send them into harms way if it wasn’t important? Of course not. Then the only reason I can think of, that we would send such great Americans into the mouth of a huge storm, is because people will watch. I am people. In fact, I think I watch enough Hurricane coverage to qualify as 9 people. I gotta admit, I usually root for the hurricane. I get all pissed off when I hear phrases like, “minimal damage” or “Dying winds”, or “minimal storm surge”, or “no looting expected”. I know it sounds bad, but, it’s true. These things make for must-see t.v. (used lower case letters to avoid GE lawsuit). I do feel bad for the people who’s lives got shit on by all this, I really do. I also have seen the shows on Discovery, and National geographic, about how we kinda ignored the fact that these things happen, often. We build shit right on the coast, we remove natural barriers, such as dunes, and forests. We build shit below sea level, then act like it’s a huge surprise when stuff gets flooded. Walking out to get the paper, and realizing your house was egged, is a surprise. Walking in on your spouse doing it with a midget, a surprise. Those dudes who got rocked by that Tsunami, that was a surprise. Building a condo on the beach in hurricane alley, or building a city below sea level, and in between a river, and a lake, defended by levees built by the lowest bidder, those are shitty ideas, not surprises. When you live, beneath the ocean, and a lake, and one day it finally falls on you, that’s just proving basic theories of physics, not a surprise. Let the record show, I feel bad for anybody who’s life is torn apart by natural disasters, I really do. I just wish for two things. One, the same level of support, and donations, is thrown my way when my house made of McRib boxes gets blown all to hell. The second, to just show this shit in HD. I may root for the storm, but I’m not directly rooting for it to kill anyone, or ruin their home. I just want to see the roof of a pay by the hour motel get blown away in HD. I want to see Jim Cantore dodge airborne produce, or a billboard for hooters get destroyed, in High Def. Thats all. I’m gonna be watching anyways. Is it too much to ask.

My old LCD t.v., that I moved from the basement to my bedroom, is the greatest t.v. of all time. Not only is it the most user friendly gadget ever, it picks up shit in HD all on it’s own. As of now, we just have a basic cable wire plugged into the back of it. It still nabs HD channels, all on it’s own. If I could give it a raise, or buy it a lap dance I would. It may not get ESPN, or HBO, in HD, but it gets the job done. It gets HD reception on crazy channels. All the network feed, and a handfull of cable channels are on for instance 4.1, 8.1, 10.2, or 34.1 . Sometimes I get bored, and just keep scrolling up, long after the signals have stopped, in search of more free stuff, one decimal at a time. The other night, on channel 74.6, I found Travel Channel HD. It may suck, but it’s free, and in HD. I don’t even get that on the HD package I pay for. The crown jewel of the free HD, is PBS HD. Growing up, I only got at most 6 channels, depending on whether or not our antanae would pull down the Ghetto cartoon channel from detroit. We had what was called a Wha-Wha box. You turned a dial, and the antanae on your roof would slowly turn, whilst making the Wha-Wha! noise. One channel we always got was PBS out of Bowling Green Ohio. It sucked bad, and no kid would ever watch it. Now though, I can’t get enough. NOVA in HD is sweet, but I have to say, I cross my fingers every night, hoping that Antiques Roadshow is on in HD. This may be the best show ever, next to the original  airings of the Dukes of Hazard, or that show ‘V’ that was on NBC for a while. All these bastards bring old stuff to these flea markets, and some of them have cool shit. They highlight only the best stuff, and usually it’s worth a lot of money. The hosts, always know exactly what it is, where it came from, and how much it’s worth. Sometimes the stuff is pretty cool. They always say stuff like, “this is a lynchin’ torch from the 1870’s, It’s worth $22,000.00 at auction” and the fat hillbilly who owns it, is thrilled, but would never sell it. The best parts are when they show people who waited in line for hours, surrounded by buttholes carrying junk, only to find out their stuff is worthless. This is usually reserved for right before they go to break, it keeps me tuned-in. The other great part, is when the junk is worth a boatload. You see fat bastards, who likely drove 6 hours in a 1992 conversion van with 9 other family members carrying crap, only to find out their 200 year old rug is worth tens of thousands. They always say stuff like “Oh that’s great, but I could never sell this” when 95% of their financial resources are in the fanny pack they are wearing, with their diabetes medicine inside, and they have no 401k, but it’s nice to see people happy. It’s even nicer to see them happy in HD. I emplore everyone to tune in to PBS HD, not just for antiques roadshow, but for all of their fine HD programming. Don’t donate anything though. Those hippies will blow it all on pot, and Che Guevara T-shirts.