Great Moments In Tailgating History Vol:6

The Game. OSU vs. Michigan November 24th 2001

A little less than a year prior. Newly Hired football coach Jim Tressell, announced to an anxious crowd of fans at an OSU vs. UM basketball game, that big things were coming for the Ohio State football program, especially in regards to their rival up north, Michigan. This game was going to be played AFTER thanksgiving, and at 1:00 p.m. a rather strange, and unexpected starting time.

A group of friends and I headed north the day before the game. Full of leftover turkey, and nervous thoughts about what we were getting into, we headed into enemy territory. This was a road game, in Ann Arbor michigan, home of our hated rivals. We had plenty of practice for home games. Waking up, getting trashed, and being complete assholes was our specialty. Our parents were proud. Everything was different here. Strange, city, strange people, in a strange state. As we drove onto campus we passed the big house. It looked surprisingly small from the outside. We headed to a mutual friends apartment. The complex he lived in was all student living quarters. Shaped like a block U, his apartment was on the north side of the courtyard, on the 2nd floor. We noticed a lone OSU flag on a balcony, and saluted as we passed. The natives were restless. After greeting our host, we started the cocktail hour. We watched the annual day after thanksgiving showdown on t.v. then headed out to one of his neighbors parties. An entire apartment full of wolverine fans awaited us. They had deep fried turkey, and beer, so there was no need to immediately pee on their toothbrushes, but I still did. I later found outmy friend Trav, had done the same. They had little respect for us, as Michigan had owned this series as of late. After putting up with their insults long enough, we headed to the bars. We were there for only a few minutes, before we noticed an unexpected number of OSU fans. I saw dudes in OSU gear, Blue Jackets gear, even Bengals gear. We ran into people we went to high school with. One of the OSU coaches daughters was there. We were stealing the home field advantage, in an Ann Arbor campus bar. This was a good barometer of things to come. After a good nights sleep on a chair, we awoke to the michigan fight song. Booze would be the only way to get through this mess. Captain Morgan and O.J. mixed with breakfast from a gas station was the fuel for this fire. As we slowly got dressed in our gameday finest, we headed to the balcony. That OSU flag was now flying high on the neighbors balcony. They were fat chicks who graduated from OSU and were there for law school at U.M. Apparently they had not read about the declining status of UM’s Law program. Some fans drinking on the balcony above them had reached down and stolen the OSU flag! They celebrated, as the entire complex cheered them on. The law school chicks begged for the flag back. Every other balcony begged them not to. The people who had stolen it, reached out over their railing, and tossed it onto the roof. All was lost. This would not stand. At times like this, young women in trouble, outnumbered by an enemy of inbred swine, a hero was needed. That hero would be me. It was pretty much decided that that flag had to hang high for the buckeyes to have a chance. Those fat chicks, and that team needed me. Since I had drank the most so far, and could be talked into anything I was nominated to get the flag back. A true friend, (who was rooting for michigan, and could not be trusted) tried to talk me out of climbing up the face of a three story building, while drunk, to rescue a $20.00 flag for strangers. I told him I would not try and climb up the series of balconies, as it was not safe, I was too drunk, and the michigan fans would intervene. I decided to outsmart him, and announced I was going in to “pee”. I hatched out a plan with another of my pals, who may or may not have wanted to see me fall, and be wheelchair bound. The plan was to go outside, to the back of the building, and climb up the downspouts of the brick building all the way to the roof. Spider man was coming out in theatres soon, and was thus my inspiration. Seeing as how I had only slept for about 3 hours, had yet to be arrested, and had been drinking for about 3 hours, I was invincible. I went out the rear fire exit, when the winds of fate blew upon me. A rainstorm was coming in, and the wind had blown the flag completely over the roof, onto the ground. It was laying there like the holy grail, literally 5 feet in front of me. I contemplated my next move as I grabbed the great flag from that dirty michigan parking lot. I lingered about for a few minutes, partly to decide how I was going to take the flag through the lions den of Michigan fans, partly to make people think I was actually climbing up the building. There was only one way to get this flag back. I bursted through the exterior door into the courtyard, hoisting the flag high a la Brutus Buckeye leading the greatest team in all the land onto the field. I stopped in the middle of the courtyard and waived the buckeye flag with pride, to the delight of m fellow OSU fans. My glory was short lived as the michigan fans above me started chucking beer cans and chicken wings down upon me. I gave the flag back to the fat chicks, who pretty much would have done anything i asked of them, but their was no time, and they were pretty fat. Game time was nearing. We approached the stadium, posed for a few pics, and wondered where all the other fans were. The guy at the gate informed us, it was only 11:30 and the game was at 1:00. We had brought flasks, but they would only last so long. It was time to find more booze. Luckilly our one buddy knew a family friend who lived about a block away, and they were tailgating. There’s pretty much a normal neighborhood accross the street from the Big House. Unlike in columbus, this was not shitty run down student housing. This was a family, and they were having a party on the lawn. They were extremely nice as far as hosts go. Knowing only my one friends parents, they gave us free range of everything from the beer supply, to the buffet of food. They even let my one friend take a dump in their house. After a few more unnecessary beers, and some pretty rockin goulash, it was actually game time.

One thing that surprises every OSU fan, when they make their first trip to the Big House, is the men’s room. After a lifetime of loathing the Maize and blue, and a day and a half of debauchery, I was ready to get into the stadium, and pee on it, in as many places as possible. They had outsmarted me. The whole restroom is one big trough, with water trickling down the walls. They want you to pee on the walls. Being a good guest, I did just that, a lot. As we descended the stairs to our seats, surrounded by a whole lot of UM students, we were welcomed with a chorus of boo’s, and a barrage of flying marshmallows. Though delicious, marshmallows can get very sticky when you get hit with one in a steady drizzle. Despite the restless native’s, our flasks, and our Buckeyes held up, and victory was ours. For some reason, none of the Michigan fans wanted to stick around afterwards, so the stadium belonged to the fans of the scarlet and gray. As we met up with more fans we knew, and posed for pictures, we were on top of the world, watching a victorious tressell, lead his team in the best rendition of Carmen Ohio, I have ever heard. A great day indeed.

MonsterQuest

I was flippin through the channels, when I stumbled upon the show MonsterQuest, on History HD. I was looking for shows about 9/11, but apparently my calendar is broken. Anywho, the title of the show was ‘The Ohio Grassman’ I tuned in, because I thought it might be about some of the kids I went to High School with, who sell pot. It’s not. Apparently there is a Big Foot creature in Ohio. The whole show is based on stupid white people, who claim to have seen a Wookie in Ohio. They all tell the story or stories about when they saw the BigFoot in Ohio, many even star in the re-enactments of their sightings. They also throw in some shitty footage, and other evidence, that this thing actually exists. This pisses me off. I’ve seen this particular show before, they have everything from a white trash dude, who claims to have been almost carried away by a giant bird. A teenwolfe in wisconsin, and Americas own Loch-Ness Monster. White people seem to be the only ones who ever see crazy shit like this. This goes right along with my theory on Exorcists. It only happens to white people. Most are fat, and bald, or even have a pony-tail. Has anyone ever seen any of the shows about people who are posessed by demons? they are almost always white, and super religious. Sometimes they have south americans, or eastern europeans, but those people are super catholic, so they are disqualified, on the whole crazy religious thing. It’s the same theory for the crazy “monster” thing. Only white people ever see this shit, or feel the need to tell people about it. Just once, I want to see somebody who isn’t at all religious be “posessed” by satan. Just once I want to hear some dude from Compton CA claim to need an excorcist. Why don’t black dudes ever see BigFoot? I want to see a bunch of Jewish dudes sitting out in the woods at night looking for monsters. I think the real reason could be that white people are just plain retarded. Those dudes who held that press confrence, and got on CNN last month, claiming to have a bigfoot corpse in a freezer…white dudes. Why can’t white people as a whole just be content on the outlets for retardation that society already provides. Wrestling wasn’t enough, so we came up with MMA. Larry the Cable Guy made like 9 movies. There’s like 30 kinds of energy drinks at every convenience store. NASCAR is like the entire year. Shouldn’t this be enough?

Some of the retarded white people in this show go out almost every weekend looking for the “Ohio Grassman”. From where they seem to be looking, is just over an hour from my house. I am currently looking for volunteers to go fuck with these guys. I was thinking, that since they are out there every night, looking for the “grassman” with a bunch of different cameras, the nice thing would be to give them one. I know, one guy dressed up in a chewbacca costume walking past their camera would be pretty sweet. How sweet would it be if they stumbled upon an all-male wookie orgy? I figure 7 volunteers should do it.

Is Beanie Gellin’?

With all the hoopla surrounding Chris Wells’ big toe/ball of the foot, one thing pops into my mind. “Is he gellin’? If not. Why not? The whole fate of buckeye nation could be resting on that foot. Wouldn’t it be in everyones best interest if he was gellin’, like those guys in the commercials? According to T.V. which never lies, anyone who uses Dr. Scholl’s gel in-soles, has amazing results. It’s like the fountain of youth, a winning lottery ticket, viagra, and that Jessica Simpson Acne medicine, all in one. It makes everyones life better. I’m not saying Beanie Wells needs to be acting like an airplane glue sniffing homo, like the guys in the commercials, but the in-soles may help him run. The guys who wear them in the commercials, always have an amazing ear-to-ear grin. No matter how bad the situation, they’re always smiling, and they attribute it to the gellin’. Whether it be a car crash, or a wedding, the gel helps them get through a shitty situation. I think the Gel will help the buckeyes. I just hope the OSU coaches are as smart as I am. I think they fly out tomorow, I may run down to campus and drop of a bunch of Dr. Scholls Gel In-soles to the team, before they leave. I think they’d like that. Beanie looks like a size 13 to me. If I can get him gellin’ it’s a guaranteed victory for Ohio State, so I may have to bet the farm on this one.

According to reports, Vince young may be going insane. He may be about to kill himself. Apparently he left his home in distress, and his family had to contact the Tennessee Titans, who had to contact the police, who had to hunt him down. They now say, all is fine with vinnie, he was just having a bad week, after still not being able to throw a football, and getting hurt. His home town fans booed him, which would make anyone cry. All this could be just dandy, for Buckeye nation, as our golden boy Terrell Pryor, is always compared to none other, than Vince Young. Really I don’t care if Terrell can run as fast as Vince, dodge, or break tackles like him, or even if he can throw as bad a him. All I care about, is that he can one day, in the near future, have a public breakdown like vinnie young. Buckeye fans need more than a bunch of dissapointment. Ever since Maurice Clarrett got sent to prison, life has gotten dull. Sure we have promising years, get our hope up, and our hearts ripped out, but we need more. Having Terrell Pryor bust out the Grey Goose, and the body armour, could change all that. A public breakdown, on the streets of columbus, is all we need. No matter how bad the rest of the season gets, our children are our future. Watching them implode right in front of our eyes makes up for everything.

HD Baby!

My love for all things HD is well known. However, there is still waay too many aspects of my everyday life, that aren’t found in HD. First, is Hurricane coverage. maybe it’s my shitty Time Warner, but none of the hardcore Hurricane networks, are broadcasting in HD. I realize a lot of peoples lives are being ruined by these things, but I can’t help but tune in. If it’s so bad, why are we sending our nations greatest natural resources like, Geraldo Rivera, and Anderson Cooper? These guys are almost as important as our reality TV stars. Would we send them into harms way if it wasn’t important? Of course not. Then the only reason I can think of, that we would send such great Americans into the mouth of a huge storm, is because people will watch. I am people. In fact, I think I watch enough Hurricane coverage to qualify as 9 people. I gotta admit, I usually root for the hurricane. I get all pissed off when I hear phrases like, “minimal damage” or “Dying winds”, or “minimal storm surge”, or “no looting expected”. I know it sounds bad, but, it’s true. These things make for must-see t.v. (used lower case letters to avoid GE lawsuit). I do feel bad for the people who’s lives got shit on by all this, I really do. I also have seen the shows on Discovery, and National geographic, about how we kinda ignored the fact that these things happen, often. We build shit right on the coast, we remove natural barriers, such as dunes, and forests. We build shit below sea level, then act like it’s a huge surprise when stuff gets flooded. Walking out to get the paper, and realizing your house was egged, is a surprise. Walking in on your spouse doing it with a midget, a surprise. Those dudes who got rocked by that Tsunami, that was a surprise. Building a condo on the beach in hurricane alley, or building a city below sea level, and in between a river, and a lake, defended by levees built by the lowest bidder, those are shitty ideas, not surprises. When you live, beneath the ocean, and a lake, and one day it finally falls on you, that’s just proving basic theories of physics, not a surprise. Let the record show, I feel bad for anybody who’s life is torn apart by natural disasters, I really do. I just wish for two things. One, the same level of support, and donations, is thrown my way when my house made of McRib boxes gets blown all to hell. The second, to just show this shit in HD. I may root for the storm, but I’m not directly rooting for it to kill anyone, or ruin their home. I just want to see the roof of a pay by the hour motel get blown away in HD. I want to see Jim Cantore dodge airborne produce, or a billboard for hooters get destroyed, in High Def. Thats all. I’m gonna be watching anyways. Is it too much to ask.

My old LCD t.v., that I moved from the basement to my bedroom, is the greatest t.v. of all time. Not only is it the most user friendly gadget ever, it picks up shit in HD all on it’s own. As of now, we just have a basic cable wire plugged into the back of it. It still nabs HD channels, all on it’s own. If I could give it a raise, or buy it a lap dance I would. It may not get ESPN, or HBO, in HD, but it gets the job done. It gets HD reception on crazy channels. All the network feed, and a handfull of cable channels are on for instance 4.1, 8.1, 10.2, or 34.1 . Sometimes I get bored, and just keep scrolling up, long after the signals have stopped, in search of more free stuff, one decimal at a time. The other night, on channel 74.6, I found Travel Channel HD. It may suck, but it’s free, and in HD. I don’t even get that on the HD package I pay for. The crown jewel of the free HD, is PBS HD. Growing up, I only got at most 6 channels, depending on whether or not our antanae would pull down the Ghetto cartoon channel from detroit. We had what was called a Wha-Wha box. You turned a dial, and the antanae on your roof would slowly turn, whilst making the Wha-Wha! noise. One channel we always got was PBS out of Bowling Green Ohio. It sucked bad, and no kid would ever watch it. Now though, I can’t get enough. NOVA in HD is sweet, but I have to say, I cross my fingers every night, hoping that Antiques Roadshow is on in HD. This may be the best show ever, next to the original  airings of the Dukes of Hazard, or that show ‘V’ that was on NBC for a while. All these bastards bring old stuff to these flea markets, and some of them have cool shit. They highlight only the best stuff, and usually it’s worth a lot of money. The hosts, always know exactly what it is, where it came from, and how much it’s worth. Sometimes the stuff is pretty cool. They always say stuff like, “this is a lynchin’ torch from the 1870’s, It’s worth $22,000.00 at auction” and the fat hillbilly who owns it, is thrilled, but would never sell it. The best parts are when they show people who waited in line for hours, surrounded by buttholes carrying junk, only to find out their stuff is worthless. This is usually reserved for right before they go to break, it keeps me tuned-in. The other great part, is when the junk is worth a boatload. You see fat bastards, who likely drove 6 hours in a 1992 conversion van with 9 other family members carrying crap, only to find out their 200 year old rug is worth tens of thousands. They always say stuff like “Oh that’s great, but I could never sell this” when 95% of their financial resources are in the fanny pack they are wearing, with their diabetes medicine inside, and they have no 401k, but it’s nice to see people happy. It’s even nicer to see them happy in HD. I emplore everyone to tune in to PBS HD, not just for antiques roadshow, but for all of their fine HD programming. Don’t donate anything though. Those hippies will blow it all on pot, and Che Guevara T-shirts.

Where Did We Go Wrong?

This past weekend was supposed to be a fine display, of Ohio Football power. A return to the field for our Pro Teams, and one last tune up before the big dance for my fair Buckeyes. This was supposed to be a beautiful early fall weekend, and it turned into a disaster. The Buckeyes struggled their way into mediocrity, and our Pro teams, flat-out sucked.

Ohio State, may be the only undefeated team in history, to drop down the polls, in consecutive weeks. Part of this may be, that the Polls are retarded, especially in the pre-season, and before week four. Either way, the Buckeyes image across the nation, took one more hit this weekend, when mighty Ohio Bobcats came to town. This was supposed to be a breeze. A tune up for USC. A chance to get some back-ups, and freshman some playing time. A chance to iron out a few kinks before the game the whole sport has been waiting for, the past 8 months. Instead, we pretty much just sucked. Every aspect of the game, turned on the Buckeyes. One can argue, about looking past them for the trojans, one can say they were emotionally flat, or that they missed Beanie Wells. Blah, blah, blah. Buckeye Nation may just need to come to grips with the fact that we might just suck. I had already started the process of acceptng the fact that we were going to lose to OU. I tried to remember which Michigan fans I was especially harsh towards after the App. State thing. I was even ready to hang my hat on the Bengals. Thankfully, it was all for nothing, as the Bucks pulled it out, and hung on for the win. This much is true. If they play like that this week, it’s gonna be over by halftime. USC, as usual, is vastly over-rated. Each year, they attain, a larger than life status, are said to be better than some NFL teams, and are gaurunteed to win it all. Every year but one, has proven this talk wrong, but they are still great, and have to be taken seriously. They might just be a little better than Ohio University, who knows. Maybe Jim Tressell’s plan to make everyone think that you actually suck, will work.

As for the Ohio NFL clubs. They could be in a season long battle for the rights to Bill Cowher. The Browns, as I predicted in my Eliminator League, went down hard to Dallas. The Bengals, have made a bold statement, that they have plans on the #1 overall pick. A team that has no Defense, and was planning on scraping by on offense alone, now has no offense. My prediction of four wins, was based on a win over the happless ravens yesterday. Now we’re gonna have to scrap one out somewhere else. The good news is, we sucked equally at running and passing. I figure to just get back to the level they were at in 2005, the Bengals will need at least 4 lineman, a running back, a fullback, a third receiver, and if Palmer keeps getting kicke around like he did this week, a new QB. Defensively, we may luck out, and only need 9 new players. Who knows, maybe Mike Brown didn’t like the taste of moderate success. Maybe the new plan, is the old plan. Win a few games each year, make money, and be happy. All I know is this, that team that was on the field sunday got the shit kicked out of them by a would-be last place team, and it wasn’t even close. The coaching staff appears to be dumber than they were last year, and the worthless line, is even worse. The Bengals need to just play it safe from here on out. Start Wooing Bill Cowher now. Try to get him to like skyline, and Montgomery Inn. Then, once he is locked up, put all our resources and efforts, into keeping Chris “Beanie” Wells healthy. If he goes down, I have no idea who we’ll take with that #1 overall pick.

My Bad

So we officially had the shortest blog link in history. I apologize to any readers who wasted time visiting the site mentioned in the previous blog. I had a preemptive link to them, once I read their views on the pandas. Though we may feel the same way about semi-retarded half bears, the similarities end there. After a quick review of there site, I quickly realized they are retarded assed, “hey I wear square rimmed glasses” liberal fuck toys. Please do not visit theirsite, otherwise you may feel the need to wear ironic t-shirts, and spout off about your knowledge of frisbee golf, and inner city poets. Upon reading a few of their older posts, I ran across some disturbing views that I can’t tolerate. Though they claim to not be haters, they make strong stances against a few things in life I hold dear. Here is a few examples of things these guys don’t like, and why these buttholes suck. Cindy McCain, who is hot, smart, loaded, and owns a major Budweiser distributor in Phoenix, which I contribute to every trip out west. Ligers who are awesome, and have way more to add to this world, than just being mentioned by Napolean Dynamite. Their half-breed brethren are the ones we should rally against. Finally, Mario Kart. This is where I draw the line. Mario Kart, is the best game ever, hands down. Super Techmo is nice, but mario Kart should have been the high water mark in electronic development. If game designers would have just realized perfection had been achieved, we could have put them to better use and, we’d all have those flying skate boards from ‘Back  To The Future 2′ by now. I am now calling for a boycott of the site I linked to in the previous blog. I would remove the entire previous blog completely, but my wife has already gone to bed, and she teaches me how to do non-porn things on the internet, and I am worthless without her.

Friends?

Every now and again, I stumble accross something on the internet (non-porn) that gets me excited. Tonight, I may have found a few dudes who were able to say what I just could not, when it comes to the pandas. http://nothatingjustsaying.blogspot.com/2008/04/people-who-are-trying-to-save-pandas.html

I’m proud to announce, that these bastards will from this day forward, be linked directly to this site. Welcome to the world of the elite, my internet comrades. You have now joined such great minds, as drunkathlete.com, and Chinedum Ndukwe. Well done indeed.

It’s Back!

Tonight, I was reunited with one of lifes great pleasures. A passion of mine, has returned, and is better than ever. I’ve been without it for several months, but we didn’t miss a beat, once reunited. At 7:00 P.M tonight, the real deal was back, and better than ever. No not the NFL. I had the McRib! They kinda changed the bun, I think it might be some shitty wheat bread, but they countered that with extra sauce, so my cholesterol didn’t miss a beat, although someday, my heart likely will. My love of barbeque sandwhiches is well documented. BBQ Pork, even more so. Even though nobody knows for sure, which animal, or animals the McRib comes from, it doesn’t really matter. Whether it be a pig, a cow, a panda, some winged critter, or some combination of critters. It makes one hell of a sandwhich. As a young boy, I lead a simple life. Not a whole lot went down in my neck of the woods, worth getting excited over, besides finding the neighbor guys Penthouse collection, and the Bear that stole mine. However, when the McRib would come back, I pretty much went apeshit. I was usually a little bastard all the time, but this level increased ten-fold, when the mcRib came around. I’d throw a fit, wet my pants, and scream, until I got one. I often would blackmail my parents, or pretend I was calling child services, just to get them to drive me on a McRib run. All these magical memories came flowing back tonight. One might ask, ‘what the fuck were you doing at McDonalds on a thursday night’? Not just any ole McDonalds either. I was at one in a little pocket of hell known as Bellefontaine Ohio. There’s pretty much no reason to ever travel to this town, unless you are passing through, or doing a documentary on Meth Labs. I however, did have a reason. This was the halfway point between to fantabulous cities in Ohio, Lima, and Columbus. This was the logical meeting point for us to pick up the singel most valuable objects in Ohio this time of year. Buckeye Season Tickets. I got tickets, and a McRib tonight, at the expense of watching the NFL’s first game. From what I saw of the end, it was a shitty game, and I think I came out on top, even though the McRib seems to be fighting back. A McRib, and football tickets, to the most heralded rivalry in all of sport. Ohio State, vs. plain Ohio. I won’t get to use the tickets, cause I’ll be at a damn wedding, but it always makes one feel etter to have tickets to something, especially in columbus. Around these parts, you can get just about anyone to do anything for Buckeye tickets. Getting girls to show you there boobs, getting dudes to kiss eachother, you name it. I feel it should be illegal to get married during buckeye games. Last year I was in a wedding during a game. The game should have been over, but ABC thought the Ohio State, vs. Northwestern game would be better suited as a 3:00 game, and I was given access to free booze, and a hot microphone, so I let that one slide. Weddings are supposed to be about, love, joy, and emasculation. How can one experience these things fully, when their thoughts, are on the gridiron? This should be the first thing the next president addresses.

Which brings me to our next point. As the convention’s come to a close, and the race goes into the home stretch, there’s one thing that stands out to me. This Sarah Palin lady, is pretty hot. I can’t deny it, theres just something about her. She’s got that look of a teacher, who might also moonlight as a stripper, and I’m a sucker for that. Most guys have debated with themself, whether or not Tina Fey is hot. Well Mrs. Palin is what Tina Fey would look like if she were hot. Since she may one day be our Vice President, or even the Commander in Chief. It’s probably not a good idea to have her as a contestant in the who would you rather bang series, but the way this economy is going, we can’t afford not to.

Sarah Palin vs.  Mary Todd Lincoln.

Sarah Palin, is from alaska, she’s like a governor or something, and I think she may have also killed some whales or eskimo’s. http://beldar.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/06/08/palin_campaigning.jpg 

Word is that on a recent trip to Ohio, she visited a little store known as the Buckeye Corner, and purchased some cheerleader outfits. Exactly.

Mrs. Lincoln is best known, as the worst person in the world to let pick which play to go see. She was married to Abe Lincoln, and one doesn’t have to wonder what he saw in her. http://americancivilwar.com/women/mary_todd_lincoln.jpg I’m guessing that it was because she was sooo hot, the secret service guys were distracted that night.

This one could go down to the wire.

All Is Wells

I’m surprised the collective sigh of reielf, from Buckeye nation, didn’t blow Gustav back into the ocean. If anyone has watched ESPN for more than 20 seconds, our star running back, has some health questions. Apparently, he’s going to be O.k., and my Trojan Horse theory, is starting to hold water. I was lucky enought to stop home today for lunch, and decided to catch some sportscenter. About 15 minutes in, they hastilly cut out of regular programming, in the middle of a segment about baseball, to give live feed of the Jim Tressell weekly media luncheon. Apparently nobody at ESPN has ever watched our fair coach tressel speak. They seemed to think he was going to burst through the curtains, and let us all know exactly what was wrong with Beanie Wells, how long he would be out, and how he was going to approach the USC game. Poor, poor ESPN. They skipped through at least two commercial breaks, neglected countless highlights from people who actually played yesterday, all in waiting for what most knew, was not coming. Tressell is called the Senator, for a reason. He could be asked about which he prefers, Beer, or wine. he could talk for an hour, telling the benefits, and downfalls of each, without ever saying “beer”, or “wine”, or answering the question. I sat and laughed, as a national audience got to see live coverage of Tressell reading off the film grades of the offensive lineman, the winner of the ‘Jack tatum hit of the game’ award, the scout team player of the week, the return game player of the week, the defensive player of the week, and the pursuit game player of the week. Tressell spent more time reviewing the lone OSU kick return, than the actual play itself. Not expecting this to go on much longer, ESPN stuck with Tressell, as he began his tales of how Ohio University is a strong, veteran team. He warned us all of their dual-threat QB, and the wide variety of looks, and formations their offense will use. After about 18 minutes, and midway through a review of the Ohio University defensive coaching staffs background, The Worldwide Leader in Sports, finally had enough. They gave up, resumed programming as usaul, and tried to make up for their lost commercial time. Tressel had defeated the beast. He did not give in to the over zealous media scrutiny pointed at one kids big toe. Another ten or so minutes later, the question and answer session resumed on the local radio broadcast, and the first question, was as expected, about Wells’ foot. In true tressell fashion, he gave a long, confusing, semi-detailed explanation. From what I took from it, Wells is either faster than ever, and ready to play, or his leg will be amputated just below the knee.

I have a fantasy baseball team, that I check every 4 months. I realy don’t care, I just like to harbor players, and turn down trade offers, just to piss people off. I consider myself a pretty big baseball fan, but there’s always been a few things I could never figure out. First, on the channel guide, and previews, why does it say MLB Baseball? Isn’t major league baseball baseball a little redundant? Can’t it just say MLB, and for those who don’t know, can’t they just figure out what it is by watching it? I’m sure nobody is going to confuse MLB baseball with NHL baseball. RBI’s really piss me off also. RBI, or Runs Batted In, is a stat, that is rewarded to a batter when a run scores during their at-bat. If more than one run scores, or if a guy is having a nice season like Josh Hamilton they get RBI’s. Or, as I see it Run’s Batted In’s. Shouldn’t this be R’sBI? It’s not that hard to say. I say everyone start to say it as R’sBI, and we can all live happy lives.

Dog for sale

I am selling a year and a half old male black lab mix, named Rudi. Will also trade said dog for a dog named Kenny or DeDe, but ideally would be trading for a dog named Ladanian, Adrian, or Lawrence. He’s a nice dog, but his hamstring has een bothering him as of late. I am willing to thro in an Odell Thurman jersey, only worn a couple times.

As many have heard, my Bengals have cut Rudi Johnson, the stud running back whole stole my heart, and forced me to name a puppy after him. Since then, the puppy has gotten really big, started to eat out of the cats litter box, and the real Rudi, has started to suck. The Bengals plan, is that Chris Perry will not get hurt, for the first time in his career. The Bengals continue to have no answer, in the decades long battle with shittiness. I’m not saying Rudi was going to be healthy, and be a pro bowler again, but come on, does anyone really think this had anything to do with more than just money? Originally, I had guesstimated the bengals season wins at around 7. After seeing that their offensive line was just as shitty as last years, if not worse, I dropped it to 5 wins. Now I’m hoping for this, just beat cleveland twice, maybe Pittsburgh once, and draft Chris Wells.

Ah yeah, Beanie. My man went down hard this past weekend, and all of buckeye nation holds there breathe. I’m a little dissapointed in OSU fans, yet again. As soon as he went down, they acted like the season was over. The team stepped up the energy, and rallied around him. Terrell Pryor looked great. Devier Posey was as good as advertised. The defense was comically dominant against a weak oponent. The crowd, was dead. One player, especially one backed up by two studs, is not the entire team. These are the good ole days for OSU football. Winning it all, going undefeated, or beating USC, is not the only thing that matters, people. This years squad, is as good as any we’ve had in a long time, on a lot of different levels. I know retards on the internet, and radio have been bashing OSU ever since Tedd Ginn went down in the desert, but enjoy what we got here people. Chances are, the folks who are dishing it out never played for LSU, or Florida. Everyone else, is just looking up at the Buckeye machine with envy, and jealousy. As for the folks who bash OSU for playing a 1-AA, of FCS team, hold on for one second. Theres a hand full of top quality NCAA teams out there, and once you get past that group, the rest are pretty average at best. The difference between teams like NC state, Oregon, and Kentucky to teams like OSU, USC, and Georgia, is far greater than the difference between teams ranked 12-25 to teams like buffalo, delaware, or youngstown state. Outside the top 6 or 8 teams, the rest of the BCS teams all suck, roughly the same ammount of balls. The SEC has 3-4 really good teams, but when it all comes down to it, it should be just Florida, and Georgia. USC stands alone in the PAC-10, WVU should own the Big East, and the Buckeyes shuld win the Big-10 going away. The A.C.C. sucks. The SEC, and the Big-12 are the only BCS confrences that have more than one team that could win the league. Even with that, there is one clear-cut favorite in each league (Florida, and Oklahoma). Every League has one team, that has one tough game at most, and should be a decent odds favorite on every other game. The SEC is without a doubt the strongest confrence, but that’s with 3 solid teams at best. Alabam, Tennessee, and everyone is just not that great. If you lose to them, it’s called an upset for a reason. As for the Big Ten. From what I saw yesterday, if you were to combine the two QB’s who played for michigan, and the QB from Michigan State, into one player, you would have one shitty QB. Those dudes sucked.

As for USC. They have the greatest group of running backs of all time. Earlier this year, they raced the Jamaican 4×100 relay team, and lapped them. Seriousy, can the announcers kiss these guys asses any more? My theory on any team with a “stable” of running backs, who all share time, is that they don’t have a true number 1 back. If these guys are so great, and USC is ranked in the top 3, shouldn’t at least one of them not only win the bulk of the carries, but shouldn’t they be mentioned as heisman candidates? They have some good players, nobody can deny that, but, they ain’t that great. USC is a great program, but every year they finish lower than what they start at, and find themselves losing to unranked teams. Why is this? They run a program, in a weak league that is based on hype, confidence, and flare. They often lose sight of what it takes to win, as is evident by losses to teams like Oregon state, and Stanford. Could Jim Tressel, be using this to his advantage? Could Wells’ ankle injury be a “trojan horse”. What will Pete Carroll’s out of control ego, and confidence be like if they think Wells is hurt? To beat US, all one has to do, is sustain a running game, make quick passes, avoid their constant blitz, and tackle. That’s it. All their success has been off missed tackles, and mistakes caused by blitzing linebackers. OSU practices against a defense, much better than USC. IF this translates into being able to stop the blitz, and still getting 3 plus yards per carry. And, if OSU can spread the field to create space, and force USC into single man-to-man coverage. Guys like Brandon Saine, and terrell pryor will be able to move in space, and sustain long buckeye drives, resulting in buckeye glory. Todd Boekman is not Peyton Manning, but he’s a hell of a lot better than the rookie who strapped up for Virginia. Plus, OSU’s defense feasts on running teams. Looks like we’ll be finding out the truth on the “stable” of running backs in a couple weeks.