The Civil War

It all comes down to tonight.
Oregon, vs. Oregon State in a bitter rivalry game, that will ultimately decide who moves on to the Rose Bowl to play my Ohio State Buckeyes. Along with that comes the shot at adding to the Buckeye Big Game angst. Someone can be next in line to provide misery for millions of die-hard  Buckeye fans, or be the proverbial fat chick at the bar known as the slump buster.
Buckeye Nation is kind of torn on this one. Some folks want to see Oregon state win. Some want just regular old Oregon to win. There are several schools of thought on this one.
With Oregon State, obviously you’ll have the OSU vs. OSU matchup, so thousands of cornball assholes will be able to say “I guarantee OSU wins the Rose Bowl” while someone secretly dreams of killing them. Of course there will be cooler jokes, like the ones that involve doing things to Beavers, which everyone enjoys. Some folks feel Oregon State is an easier matchup for the Buckeye’s, and want to see them win. Some want to be able to compare Ohio State’s play against the other OSU to that of UC, so they can maybe silence a few Bearcat fans, or pile on once their beloved coach is in South Bend trying to fix that mess. Oregon State has more of the “normal” Pro-Style offense that is easier to defend, so that appeals to some folks. The Beavers defense is also ranked worse, so you have that line of thought.
On the flip side, some folks want to see the Bucks’ take on the Ducks’, also for stupid jokes, but also because they feel Oregon is better. Oregon has a few Prime time, big game wins that were watched by the nation, so Buckeye nation thinks they could earn a little more respect by beating them in the Rose Bowl. Oregon is a little more flashy, so they appeal to Buckeye fans there. Oregon is ranked higher, and even if OSU wins tonight, they won’t be ranked as high as the ducks are now going into the Rose Bowl, so some Buckeye fans want to take on the higher ranked team. Some fans are also very afraid of Oregon’s QB, so they want nothing to do with the Ducks. Apparently those fans didn’t see the Boise State game.
Personally, I’m pulling for Oregon tonight. I think OSU can beat either of these guys, and I want to make it count. During the Oregon/Arizona game, I switched from rooting for Arizona, and pulled for Oregon, after I realized no respect could be gained by beating Arizona in Pasadena, even though only slightly more would come from beating Oregon.
No matter what, whenever a high scoring offense goes up against a top ranked defense, I go with the defense. A defense can adjust to a caliber of offense they aren’t familiar with far better than an offense can adjust to a defense that is better than what they have ever seen. Ohio States defensive line is by far their strongest attribute, and Oregon’s offensive line, is sub par at best. Their offensive scheme is similar to what Ohio State runs, by which they do as much as they can to mask their O-line shortfall’s. If Boise States defense can cause that much trouble for Oregon, imagine what the Buckeyes can do, and I think the OSU running game will be more than enough to pull away from the Ducks.
Perhaps the main reason I want to see Oregon win tonight, is Legarret Blunt.
If he got shut down that bad by Boise’s defense, and was that pissed off at the fans after the game, imagine what Thaddeus Gibson, and Cam Heyward are going to do to him, let alone thousands of my drunken asshole brethren in Scarlett and Gray?
There’s a good chance he’s going to bypass the sucker punching, and yelling at fans, and go straight to suicide bombing the parking lot.
So despite my hatred for Oregon, and their horrible uniforms, shitty stadium, and dirty hippie fans, I’m going to try and overcome my love for all things beaver, and root for the ducks tonight.
So go get ‘em Oregon, I’ll see you New Year’s day.

Does Maryland Suck?

As I watch the Maryland/Indiana game, during ESPN’s Big Ten/ACC Challenge, I can’t help but wonder. Does Maryland suck?
I know Indiana has to be better than they were last year, which they were the worst team of all time. Even if they improved 10,000 percent, they should still be pretty awful this season. So where does that put Maryland?

Greatest show ever.

I think I’m ready to crown the greatest show ever. (my usual fave’s aside) With a close second place title going to the new show ‘Steven Segal Lawman’ of course. I don’t have to see that show to know it’s going to be awesome, but I’ll do my best to watch it religiously all the same. I can’t wait for that puppy.
However, as sweet as that show is going to be, I stumbled upon another one that has managed to Trump the Steven Segal show.
Replay.
Ever since Hard Knocks ended, there has been a big empty hole in my life, filled only by Bengals victories/monumental end of game collapses, and some scotch as well.
The void has now been filled.
On FOx Sports Net. there is a show called Replay, and it is awesome.
The basic premise is, you take two rival High Schools, and have a rematch of one of their epic games from decades ago, using the same players. 30-40 year old dudes trying to settle the score from their youth. They use the same coaches, stadiums, jersey’s and everything. It’s fantastic.
Of course it’s sponsored by Gatorade, so every thirty seconds is a plug for Gatorade, or an info-mercial about electrolytes, and the manning brothers are honorary coaches, but it’s still a great hour of television.
They show the old dudes trying to get back in shape, watch them train, practice, and make asses of themself’s, and eventually become entertaining. They have a few months to prepare, and play in the spring, and the whole town gets into it, gambling, and trash talking, and tailgating included.
They do back stories on the players, rivalry, the town, and the particular game that they are going to replay.
I love every minute of it.
It also got me thinking. I want a replay. I’m going to devote the rest of my life to getting one more shot at High School glory, in the game that bothers me the most.
My Junior year my old school Elida, was 6-3 going into our final game, with a shot to make the playoff’s for just the second time in school history.
We matched up against Celina, who was at that time the #1 ranked school in the state.
One game, for a shot at glory.
We went all out. Our students went and vandalized their star players houses the night before. The year before, we broke their quarterbacks leg. We practiced our asses off all week. We had a perfect game plan. We were ready.
They had a quarterback who would eventually be a multi-year starter for a Division I University, and several other kids who went on to play college football or other college sports.
We had three black kids, and two half black kids to counter their talent.
They had a slight advantage in skill, and revenge on their mind from the vandalism/leg breaking. We had those black kids.
Of course, we ended up losing 66-6, but it was a lot closer than that. A few bad calls from the ref’s really set us back, and the fact that it was 3 degrees outside pretty well took our black kids out of the game, as well as made me want to kill myself. That, and the shame of losing 66-6.
What I want now, is a replay, just like the fat guys I saw on t.v. tonight.
I figure pretty much all of the members of my team are still alive, so we’ll have that going for us. A lot of our guys ended up getting construction/factory jobs, so they’ll still be in decent shape, not counting the beer guts/meth habits. Some of our key players went on to become High School coaches, so not only have they been around the game all these years, but they can steal equipment and stuff.
A lot of their players went on to play football in college. I figure all that extra pounding will have taken a toll on their bodies. Celina, has also had a good deal of factories close down in the years since that epic battle, so some of their players may have killed themself, or at the very least developed major crack habits.
If you factor in all these things, it’s a perfect scenario for a rematch, and a shot at redemption. If everything has played out the way I think it has, you have to believe my reunited Elida squad can pull together, dig down deep inside, and cut it to at worst a 30 point loss.
Go to
http://www.replaytheseries.com/pages/main let them know you want to see a rematch of the Elida/Celina 1995 game.
I’m gonna start training.

A Little Too Convenient

What a wild wacky week it’s been in the world of sports. Some things expected, some mind blowingly surprising, but everything that went down this past week had me hooked.
First off, Tiger Woods was in a horrible “car accident”. His face got busted up pretty bad in this “car accident”. It occurred the “morning” after Thanksgiving, at almost 3 a.m. and Tiger wasn’t “drinking”, but somehow he managed to crash his Cadillac Escalade through a fire hydrant, and into a tree at the end of his driveway, all by “himself”. It just so happens, that a news story had just broke about Tiger having an affair with some chick who “isn’t in any way skanky-looking”. http://media.sawfnews.com/images/Entertainment/Rachel_Uchitel_Tiger_Woods_mistress.jpg 
I gotta say, I think Tiger can do a lot better than some old lady in a blue pantsuit. It’s not even a very nice pant-suit either. Oh well, it’s his life.
Anywhoo, I digress. So Tiger was “sober” and leaving his house “in no hurry” well after midnight. He hit this tree at a speed slow enough to not set off the airbags, or do any major damage to the car except for the bumper. His wife, who just so happened to also be awake at this time, and down by the road, and conveniently carrying a golf club when all this went down. She “went to his rescue”, saw that he had bumped into a tree, and was in need of a rescue. So she busted out the back windows of the escalade with the golf club so she could “save him”. He also had cuts to his face from the ‘car accident”, blood in his mouth, and was drifting in and out of conciousness. All from the “car accident”.
I can buy that.
So a super in-shape dude, crashes his rather large SUV into a tree, not fast enough to set off the airbag, and was knocked out. His teeny-tiny hot assed wife went to go save him. Instead of opening the driver’s door, the passenger door, or either of the rear passenger doors, the damage from the low-speed accident was so bad that she had to break out both rear windows, so she could “carry” her 200 plus pound superstar husband, who wasn’t just busted for banging some waitress in Australia. Adrenaline can do crazy things, sounds do-able to me. Besides, she lives in a golf course community, and her husband is a golfer, so that must be why she had a golf club with her at 3 a.m.
Maybe Tiger did really hit his face “repeatedly” on the steering wheel. It all sounds good to me.
Of course we could consider one other option.
After Tiger’s affair became public, and his wife found out, Tiger discovered his wife is a high-ranking member of the Swedish mafia, and had to put him in check with a 9 iron.
That would explain the busted face, and him being knocked out. But how did the crazy scenario of the low-speed wreck come about. I think it went something like this.
…..”Tiger honey, I’m sorry I had to hit you with the golf club again, but you left me with no choice. I warned you about banging skanky cocktail waitresses. Now if anyone asks what do you say?” said Elin, as she twirled the 9 iron in front of a bleeding Tiger.
“I had another car accident. Honey, I’m so sorry.” cried Tiger
“Good boy”. said Elin. “Now go crash that shitty American made SUV into the neighbors tree again, I’ll knock out the rest of the windows to make it look like a really bad accident.”
“Yes Elin. Whatever you say.” said Tiger, as he choked on his own blood. I’ll never do it again honey I swear. Please put down the golf club.
And then Tiger drove down the driveway. As Elin lit a cigar, and wiped the splattered blood off her giant diamond ring.

Where’s The Love?

Let me first say, I think post-season awards in sports mean just about as much as Oprah selecting your book for her book-of-the-month. Sure, there will be a sudden surge in popularity, but you’ll soon find out your fame is neither warranted, or lasting.
Don’t get me wrong, there was once a time when these things meant something. The Heisman for example would go to the best player in College football, no matter what team he played for, or what position he lined up at. Not that long ago, lineman who were so clearly dominant at least got a 3rd place finish in the race. Now however, all that is changed. Just being the quarterback of a first place team is enough to win it all. Take tim Tebow. Sure, he lost every big game he played in during his Heisman season, and had very bad stats in those games, but the hype, and his dominance over South Carolina, and the Citadel got him an award. Now, he’s right back in the mix, despite mediocre stats, and bad performances in big games this year. You would think I wouldn’t even care about these things, but sadly, that’s just not the case.
At yesterday’s Big Ten awards, 2 Ohio State players got first team all conference. Just one was selected by the coaches, and the media alike. Neither Thaddeus Gibson, or Cameron Heyward, who will both be first round draft picks, and dominated league play, got first team nods.
Jim Tressell, still has yet to win conference coach of the year, even though he has just won his 6th straight conference title (outright this season). He’s also the only coach on the conference to win a BCS title since he got to Ohio State.
No love at all.
Am I the only one who see’s something wrong with this? Yes, it does go against my thought’s on awards only going to first place teams, and their players, but there’s gotta be a little gray area right?
Can you honestly look at the talented players OSU has, and say that only one of them is better than every other position player in the league?
Has there really been a Big ten coach who did a better job than Tress every year?
At least these football awards are coming when it is still relevant. Baseball is just now finishing up their awards, and nobody cares. I think the last award is handed out during the fifth game of the next season.
Lets either make the awards not only matter, but go to people who deserve them, or just do away with them entirely.

More Good News

Here with another update on the “what search engine terms lead people here” front, we have the usual suspects, and once again, one for the ages.
Of course there are the same dozen or so folks who are looking for nude pics of Elle MacPherson, people can’t seem to get enough of her, and for someone who has posed in Playboy, you’d think several other sites would pop up before me, but the internets are funny like that.
Again, there is one more “WOW” factor search engine term, that is yet again right there at the bottom. How this one got here, I have no idea, but hey, whatever it takes is my motto.

Search Engine Terms

These are terms people used to find your blog.

Today

Search	Views
great moments in tailgating history	9
elle macpherson nude	7
creatures of the night nude	5
elle macpherson playboy	3
celebrity thong	2
playboy spring break nude	1
rachel hunter	1
great inventions in tailgating history	1
“elle macpherson” playboy	1
peehole fuck	1

So there it is, peehole fuck now brings people here, and I have no idea why.
For a type of intercourse that is pretty much the accepted norm the whole world over, is there really a need to google it?

That’s More Like It

Not that I am any way happy about it, but I was starting to get worried there for a moment. Finally, the old Bengals showed up in Oakland, and all is right in the world again. let’s hope the evil-twin Bengals that have been here most of the year come back before we blow this whole thing, and return to the land of 8-8.
I gotta say after watching the buckeyes play Tressell ball for almost 4 straight quarters after the Forcier fumble in the end zone, I had pretty much all I could handle of watching my team try to hold onto a lead, and go all out in search of the ever elusive non-loss. Little did I know, Marvin Lewis was also planning on nearly 4 full quarters of Tressell Ball.
I’m not sure how much more I can take. Watching a team dominate out of the gate, and then go for the no-loss as opposed to the win is going to take about 20 years off my life. If the Bengals start doing this also, which has been an indication this season, I’ll be dead by week 14. Something has to give.
I think it was easier on me when my team sucked, and the surprise of victory was enough of a shock to my system that it knocked whatever might have been clogging arteries loose, and actually improved my health, if not my self-esteem.
I can take no more Tressell Ball. I can understand it when your QB is Terrelle Pryor, and you aren’t convinced he’s not gonna do something stupid enough to cost you the game, but come on, the Bengals have too many weapons to do this. Go for the kill, for me please.
Tressell Ball works, don’t get me wrong, the proof is in the pudding. The only problem is, there are certain situations where Tressell ball almost always fails.
They include:
1. The other team is good
2.The other team is trying to win
3. The other team is almost as good as you, is in their home stadium, and is executing well, and is trying to win.
4. You try to start doing it after the first series of the game, giving the opponent 3.5 quarters to figure it out.
5. You are a team/franchise that has an uncanny ability to find ways for the most impossible/unluckiest/unbelievable ways to lose games, right at the end, in dramatic fashion.

So this time, the Bengals paid the price for trying to play Tressell ball, and make no mistake. Had it not been for Tate Forcier having one of the worst games of all-time, the Buckeyes would have suffered a similar fate. Lucky for us in Buckeye nation, the Master knew what he was doing, and Michigan sucked this year.

Larry Legend

Is this Larry Johnson thing really happening. I made a joke when Benson went down, that Larry Johnson’s agent was already staging a contract holdout with the Bengals. Sadly, this may actually be true.
It went from rumor, to maybe, to a done deal in about a day and a half.
So I guess LJ is a Bengal. All there is left to do is wait and see if he’s really washed up, or broke down, or if he was really just that pissed off in KC.
At the very least, he’s got a much better line blocking for him, and instead of worrying about finishing last, he’s on a playoff team.
Of course, he coud really be worn out, and that much of a shithead. Looks like we’ll all find out soon enough, as the Bengals take on a daunting challenge the next three weeks. Oakland, Cleveland, and Detroit. Murderer’s row.
The old Bengals would lose at least one of these games. So we’ll see.

I do have some personal interests tied up on this one. I have an all-Bengals fantasy football team (unwise, but they won the Championship the first year I did it, so I’m playing with house money) and I really have been counting on Bernard Scott taking the reigns at some point in the season. Don’t get me wrong, I love Benson, and hope he comes back strong, but I do wanna see Scott get some carries. Partly because he may end up being awesome, and partly because I am the only person in the world with him on their fantasy team.
I suppose I could always trade for LJ, just to be safe, but my money is on Bernard.

The Shiniest Of All The Turds

Congrats to my Ohio State Buckeye’s, on a fifth straight Big Ten Title. Well done boy’s. It was a rebuilding year, and you still came out on top once again. There should be a 3-way tourney between the winner’s of the Big Ten, ACC, and Big East to decide once and for all, who is the most polished turd in all the land.
Despite the low state of the Big Ten, there is a glimmer of hope. Michigan, Purdue, and Michigan State could be pretty solid next year to go along with Wisconsin, Penn State, and of course my Buckeyes. However, that is just speculation, for the time being, the Big Ten Blows. You can shine a turd only so long, and in the end, it’s still a turd, and the Buckeye’s are the shiniest this year. In years past, the Buckeyes have been pretty good, and the conference just sucked. This year, there was really no reason the Buckeyes should have won the title, but they did, and I salute them.
To really point out how bad things are in Big ten land, ask yourself this. Who should win Conference offensive MVP? Really put some thought into it, and consider what “MVP”, and “Offensive” mean. Be honest, and you actually have to consider Terrelle Pryor pretty seriously. Not only do you have to really consider him for this, but you may have to admit he’s the favorite. There are some other names out there, but nobody really stepped up, and if they did, their team didn’t fare so well, so how much of an MVP could they be?
Has a punter ever won conference offensive MVP?
But anywho, we do need to salute the Buckeye’s, especially the players. All of Buckeye Nation should also take a minute to salute Charlie Weiss, for if not for him, we would be preparing for our fifth straight bowl loss. Imagine how awesome it has to feel to be a Senior on this Buckeye team. All those conference title’s, and all those Bowl losses. What an honor. Most people are lucky if they lose two Bowl game’s, but these guys have a shot at 4 straight.
Go get ‘em Buckeye’s, and stick it to Michigan on your way into the sunset.
But don’t play too hard. Gotta save some of that energy for the Bowl loss.

Don’t tell me..

The goal of going the entire week without finding out the results of the Pac-man/Cotto fight lasted all of about 9 hours. Oh well, I’ll still watch the HBO broadcast and pretend I don’t know the results next Saturday.
My luck got better as the day went on however.
I got all through the first half of the Bengals game, before the D man woke from his nap. He hadn’t been outside til that point, so he was ready to make up for lost time. I fired up the DVR, changed the channel on the television so I wouldn’t walk in at a crucial moment, and ruin my surprise. I headed out, and left the second half to fate. We were at the park for a couple hours, and I decided to stretch play time a little long, since I had left the upstairs television on, and couldn’t risk walking in and hearing the score. So we kept playing until my wife got home, and could turn off the t.v., and make sure the game was over.
Once all was clear, I got the boy a snack, and prepared to watch the second half, while trying ot not get my hopes too high. The Buckeyes survived Tressell ball and won the Big ten Title yesterday, and I had counted this game as a loss for my Bengals all along. But ‘Oh how sweet it would be if they did win this one’. They survived some shitty officiating, a couple botched kicks, and were right there in the thick of it at half-time. I had good reason to hope for the best.
Well, we all know the good guys won in the end this time. the Bengals got their moment in the sun, and people are starting to pay attention to the re-birth of the Jungle Defense. Bernard Scott finally got a chance to shine, Palmer was mistake free, and they punched the Steelers in the mouth. Life is pretty good right now, I do have to admit.
It’s not all bad Steelers fans. You’ll still make the playoff’s, and it’s not like your starting QB has a rape trial to worry about in the offseason….Oh that’s right!
At the beginning of the year, I made a bet that the Bengals, if Palmer started at least 14 games, would win at least 9. That’s almost academic at this point. Hell, barring a major collapse, I need to start preparing myself for the fact that this is a playoff team. If that happens, look out. After all, Carson Palmer is averaging like 36 yards per snap in the playoff’s. If he stays healthy, and can maintain that average, they’ll win every game 148-12.
The biggest problem facing Bengaldom, is the soon to be onslaught of newly arrived bandwagon Bengals fans. I’ve got mixed thoughts on this one.
On one side, misery love’s company, and I can’t really think of anybody that I don’t like that is a Bengals fan. When two Bengals fans meet at a party, they share a bond of pain that other people just don’t know. (Give it 3 more years lions fans, 6 more for you Cleveland, Raiders fans, we don’t want you) I usually like seeing Bengals fans. Strength in numbers if you will.
However, on the flip side, these folks don’t know what we’ve been through. They’ve never felt our pain. They didn’t put in the hard work we did.
Today, I noticed 3 Bengals flags in our neighborhood. I’ve never seen those flags before. To my knowledge, there’s only been two other Bengals households. One, is a guy from my hometown. He has the same dog, same political belief’s as me, and we often cross paths while wearing the same clothes. My wife calls him my twin, even though we look nothing alike. The other, I’ve never met, but he’s had a Bengals license plate ever since I’ve lived here, so he’s cool too. These new guys, have to prove their worth. Sure, I like that they are Bengals fans, but I despise Bandwagon Jumpers. If your team is out of it, and you want to root for a team through the playoff’s by al means, pick a temporary team until next season. But real Bengals fans, have been through too many kicks to the balls to welcome these guys with open arms. If you want to come on the bandwagon, you need to pass this test.
You need to have at least one old school Bengals jersey, with a really shitty players name on the back. Say, Kijana Carter, Odell Thurman, or Carl Picken’s like me. You need to know what Darnay Scott’s number was.
You need to know what Eric Bieniemy’s nickname was
You have to have argued at least once about how Ron Dugans was a solid NFL receiver.
You need to know the name of the former Penn State fullback who’s release from the Bengals caused a fan walk-out.
You have to be able to name at least two of the starting DB’s from the Bengals last super bowl.
You need to know the name of the Bengals defensive lineman that broke his leg in that Super Bowl.
Finally, you also need to know the name of the Bengals who had a cocaine fueled meltdown the night before that big game.
If you can meet this criteria, welcome aboard. If not, this is the Bengals, don’t get too comfy.