Enough is enough

The camel’s back has finally been broken.
The other day, I turned on my television to check the radar, and see if any groundbreaking news had occurred over night, in the world of sports. Dead smack in the middle of my screen was a big blue box that said my system needed updated, as my cable box was old, and it would automatically update once the box was reset. It said this on my old box, and also on my new box.
There was no watching television until this blue box was removed, and that wouldn’t happen until I reset my box. This meant turning off the power to it, for at least 10 seconds, turning around in a circle, and snapping my fingers three times.
I unplugged it, waited the ten seconds, plugged it back in, and then it stalled out. It was dead in the water. I guess I really did need to do the spinning and finger snapping after all. Finally after I came home from work, I did it all as required by Time Warner cable, and after about 39 hours I had television again.
The next day, there was a bulletin across the bottom of the screen, on every channel that they would be changing the channel numbers. Instead of having them the way they have for decades, they are going to group them all by category. I cannot stand for this.
Yes, this system works for bookstores, and Adult video stores, but as far as I can tell, that’s because it’s always been like that. It’s not like there used to be cookbooks, maps, and biographies about Gandhi all on the same shelf, until one day some guy decided there was a better way. Imagine if the Hustler superstore just all the sudden put the dildo’s on a different shelf.
I do not like change, and will not stand for it. It took me 20 minutes to find ESPN in HD when I got home from work. I had to scroll through every channel category you could think of, all of which I will never watch, before I could find the 7 channels I actually do watch, and they all have crazy 4-digit channel numbers that I will never be able to memorize. I want channel 31 to be ESPN, and 785 to be ESPN HD again!
Apparently there is about 73 kids themed channels, which so help me god, I will never watch. All of the crappy channels, seem to be flanking the good channels, meaning unless I can go through the trash, and dig out the channel guide they mailed me with my bill, I either have to memorize all my channels over again, or just scroll for 20 minutes at a time.
You see, my asshole dog tried to eat my remote when he was a puppy, so it doesn’t exactly perform the way it was intended to. It works O.K. for hitting a few buttons and that being that, but trying to scroll through 1,000 channels of crap with a remote that has tape holding the batteries in, is not something any tax paying American should have to do.
I’ve decided I have only a few options, most of which, I can’t deal with.
I could try to con a cable guy into coming to my house, and bribing him, or paying him for a new remote, but that would mean having to wait for the entire length of the 4 hour window they tell me they will be showing up in.
Not an option.
I could adapt, and learn to love the system, or write down the channel numbers I use, and carry it around in my wallet. This of course is never going to happen, because I am not organized, motivated enough, and have horrible penmanship, and would never be able to read what I wrote any way. Plus, this still does nothing for changing the channels in the dark in bed. I used to have them memorized, now I’m screwed.
The only option I have is to move. Out into the country, and get Direct TV.
I’ve had enough! We can’t get the NFL Network, and it took 2 years to get the Big Ten Network, but we can sure as hell shift all the channels around, and oh by the way have 27 Womens themed channels, 212 Do-it-yourself themed channels, and 1439 music choice channels, all that play the shittiest songs in the world.
Just when I thought this may be something I can live through, I tried to watch some sporting events I was really looking forward to. The Blue Jackets were taking on a tough Calgary team, and of course the ALCS game 4 were both on at the same time. Got the kid to bed, cleaned up the house, and was sitting down to do some paperwork, hoping to flip back between games.
Where the hell are they? Well, since all the sports channels are somewhere I can never find, I had to scroll for several minutes before I found the FSN OH HD Channels, neither of which had the Jackets, so I kept looking. About the end of the first period I found the regular broadcast FSN OH Channel, it’s now channel 309. So about the first commercial break, I decided to go on the hunt for the Baseball game, so I could flip back and forth. I remembered the sports channels were around channel 600 or something like that. I found the sports channels. No F-ing baseball game, except one of the several MLB network channels, all of which were showing the 1983 World Series Highlights. Since the game was on FOX, I had to go on a hunt for wherever the hell they put the HD Network Channels. Hopefully, I can find it before the Reds get good enough to be in the Postseason.
Finally I found it, about the middle of the fifth, located ever so conveniently on channel 1008.
Time to Move. Somewhere far away from here, where Time Warner Cable can’t ruin my life. This is definitely the last straw.