Ninja Please!

The past few days, I’ve seen several people wearing medical masks in public.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a sweet look, and I hope someday the Michael Jackson/Surgical style mask will replace neckties, but these people look retarded.
I’ve seen two different people wearing them in a grocery store, one at a gas station, and a handful who were driving their car. Is there something I’m missing here? Did we become China? I know they’ve been buying enough T-bills to have a seat in the senate but come on.
I can only assume, these people watch a lot of news, and are trying to avoid the dreaded swine flu.
Ah’ the swine flu, the harbinger of death du jour. I’m glad the nation is finally taking notice and going overboard with this whole thing. I can’t blame people for wearing the surgical masks in public, this is serious stuff after all.
I myself am especially worried. Most of my life I have spent barely surviving epidemics of some sort.
As a small child, it was kidnappers who were going to pluck me off the side of the road. Since I, like most small children spent a ton of time un-supervised next to roadways (actually I did, but I was throwing produce at cars from a secret hiding spot). Then there was the AIDS scare, which I barely managed to avoid, being that I had a shitload of sexual partners, and did tons of intravenous drugs back in elementary school. I dodged that bullet. I spent most of the 90’s in hiding since I was afraid of a SCUD missile attack, so I managed to avoid whatever epidemics, and crazy diseases were popular then. Thinking back, I do remember shitting myself worrying about Africanized bee’s, and Ebola. I still don’t trust monkeys, or anyone who offers me honey.
The problem is, now I am truly frightened. If anyones gonna get the swine flu it’s gotta be me. After all, I just now am back to full strength after my long bout with SARS. Plus, the money I would use to buy a Swine Flu shot, I already spent on the Bird Flu shot. We don’t even have Galactic, or Universal health-care yet. All I have is the lame “employer provided” insurance. That’s soooo 2 years ago.
I think this one is gonna be different though. I mean, people are wearing masks in public. We’re truly fucked now, right?
I get wearing a mask in a grocery store, sort of. I mean these are obviously the same people who raised a big enough stink to have the disinfectant wipes placed by the shopping cart corals. They may be the same folks who tried to make the “green” re-usable shopping bags en vogue. (Editors Note: I ask for extra plastic bags, and then throw them into rivers whenever I get a chance)
The fact that people are paranoid about going into public when there is an epidemic at hand, I can kind of buy. I get risk management, I really do. The thing I don’t understand, is why people need to wear the masks when they are driving? It seems to me, that if you are driving alone, you’re pretty safe right? I mean, one could always just roll down the window, and get some rare fresh air just to be safe. And, if you’re wearing a mask while you’re driving because you think and/or know you have a passenger with Swine Flu, why are you driving them around? Shouldn’t you make them march down the road wearing some type of brightly colored letter on their clothing to announce they have it? Or maybe just keep them either in some type of sealed bubble, or I guess just the trunk.
There can only be a handful of possibilities for why somebody would be wearing a surgical mask while they drive.
First, they are smuggling a car-full of Illegal Immigrant Mexican pig farmers into the country. Second, they are ninjas. Since everyone has seen the nightly news stories, I doubt anyone is ballsy enough to be around Mexican Pig Farmers right about now. So that leaves us with the ninjas. Maybe it has nothing to do with swine flu. Maybe we are slowly, and secretly being invaded by ninjas. If I am found nunchucked to death in a warehouse somewhere, you know it’s ninja’s. Ninjas almost always do something in a warehouse, I know this because I watch a shitload of movies.
The biggest thing we have to worry about is not only being attacked, or overtaken by ninja’s, but if they are the ones spreading the swine flu.
If this is the case we’re all screwed. It’d be like AIDS, Ebola, Africanized killer bees, Tetanus, SARS, Lime Disease, and Mustard gas combined.
The only place we’d be safe, would obviously be somewhere near Chuck Norris.
God speed everyone.