Perverts Are Raising Our Children!

Yes, this frightening statement is entirely true. That’s a fact. one only has to watch about 3 minutes of the programming on channels such as Noggin, and Nickelodeon, to see that  what they air, is pretty much just vaguely masked smut aimed at children, in 30 minute cycles. Whether it be the sexual predator who does Blues Clues, or the mother hippo on the backyardigans who for some reason has enormous cans, these programs, are out to destroy our children.
It’s not just the shows either. pretty much every product designed for small children is either grossly perverse, or made by, or endorsed by an obvious pervert. I thought it was just my imagination, until on a recent trip to the grocery store, I went to buy yogurt for my 18 month old son. I saw this stuff called Go-gurt. It sounded catchy, and at first I thought it was a great idea, and put it in my cart. Then, I discovered the shocking truth. Go-gurt, as the perverts down at Yoplait call it, is these long 8 inch tubes, about the diameter of a quarter, designed to have small children put it in their mouths and suck on it, until yogurt comes out. Long narrow shafts where if you suck on it long enough, you get a yogurt reward. Where have I seen this before? I quickly threw the container away, and grabbed some nice wholesome Dora the explorer yogurt, until I took a closer look at the container for that product. It’s basically a transient mexican chick getting humped by a monkey. Folks, I’ve been to Tijuana, that is not something your children need to be exposed to. Let them grow up, and discover it the hard way, just as thousands of Sailors, marines, or college kids have over the years.
So now you can’t even give your kid’s Yogurt anymore, without exposing them to sexual acts not suited for such young minds. The day my kid sucks yogurt out of a tube, is the day his daddy starts handing out ass-kickings. I did try it though, the strawberry one is delicious.
What’s next people? Birthday parties where the little kids play pin the tail on the donkey punch, and bobbing for step-dads? Not on my watch. That’s not all though. Gone are cool toys like plastic guns, M-80’s and Super Soakers full of urine and shampoo, and they have been replaced by products aimed to make your child a dirty peace loving hippie. Grooming them for a life of hedonism, and poor hygiene. None of that here thank you. I’ve decided to put the ole V chip to good use, and block all the channels aimed at children from our television. He’s gonna learn about life my way, the same way I did. From major disappointments in sports, and old Playboys. If he wants to watch t.v., he can watch the history channel, or pop in the Transformers DVD. If he wants to get exposed to people from different cultures, he can go with his old man to the liquor store. If he needs to learn about inter-acting in society he can do what I did, go down to the highway and throw eggs and old fruit at cars. It’s a great way to meet new, and interesting people.
I also discovered that the little kids sports leagues don’t keep score, until they get older. In real little kid soccer, they use two soccer balls, one for each end, so everyone can score. What the hell happened to survival of the fittest? Is this France? Has anyone stopped to think about the poor little kids who get stuck playing goalie? In about 30 years, we’re gonna discover we have an outbreak of serial killers, all who got stuck playing goalie in a soccer league where there was no defense, and they had to face a constant barrage of goals. I’m guessing the poor little bastard who has to play goalie keeps score. Now it’s in goals. In 15-20 years, it’ll be in body counts, and I’ll be there to say I told you so.