Hook a Brother up

As I was squaring awy some paperwork, I turned on the television, hoping for a quick distraction. I found the lack of sporting events to lead to very little worth watching. All was saved as I scanned through the shows (HD is back). First, I stumbled upon a show about porn in America, and of course, I had to stop by. After a commercial break, I continued my search, until I found a show called the 650 pound virgin. I had to see this one. I figured as good as the 40 year old virgin was, the 650 lb version had to be that much better. It was. Total television gold. It had everything I wanted. Hillariousness, and a semi-happy ending. The dude never got laid from what I saw, which is totally sad. Even more dissapointing, the guy lost most of the weight, and appears to be semi-normal now. He still has the fat guy walk, and a flair for jean shorts, but he’s only a fat guy on the inside now. Now, he’s just a virgin with a shitload of loose skin. Getting laid is right around the corner. We hope. Instead of showcasing fat virgins, why doesn’t the TLC channel give some TLC, and buy these people hookers. If you’re messed up, it’s bad enough, but never getting laid, that’s just not cool. If we could take all the freaks on t.v. and get them all laid, think what a wonderfull world this would be. Sure we’d still have our major issues, but we would all feel better in the end. At the very least, having a show called freaks get hookers, now I’d watch the crap out of that.

The best part of the 650 pound virgin? The dudes sister, who is an M&M or two away from 6 bills herself, talking about how her brother got fat. Priceless.

Musings

Time Warner has done it again. All HD channels are sound only at this point. There is an image, but whatever is on the screen when you turn to that particular HD channel, is froze there, making it highly engrossing t.v.
 I had already pretty much written off this years Home Run Derby, as I really never cared, and now with no moving images to go with my sound, it’s a done deal. Listening to Joe Morgan take it way to seriously in his analysis, mixed with anything Chris Berman, is just not something I can do, not on this night. I might be able to hear “…Back, Back Back!” one time, and then I’m polishing up the ole sniper rifle. I’ve got a lot on my mind these days.

First off, I recently found out Erin Andrews was struck in the face with a foul ball at a Mets game. That’s right, she got hit in the face with a ball. Her face! Apparently she ia o.k. and in no way dis-figured, but it’s still scary. Imagine if she had been hit in one of her juggs, and it became misshapen. I tremble at the thought. How can we let this happen? Why is there not a personal body guard, standing between miss Andrews, and whatever danger the sport she is covering poses? Someone, pretty much attached to her hip, maybe even close enough to smell her hair from time to time. Naturally, I feel that I am just the man for this job as well. I have all the necessary traits to do this job, and would be a very hard worker. Right up till the sexual harrasment lawsuit, but it would so be worth it. So if you are out there ESPN/ABC, and want to protect your most precious sideline reporter, I’m your guy.

There have been several newborn babies abandoned in the greater Columbus area in the last few weeks. This is very startling, and upsetting. When one of these babies was found (alive) I was right there in that are, at about the same time it was found, so it really hit home. I may have driven right past it, as it was found on the side of the road, and as a parent, that toally blows. Since that baby, there have been at least 4 others, all found alive, and from what I have read, or seen on the news, they are all doing fine, but no word on whether the mothers have been tracked down. All this mess has got me thinking. What is making these people just abandon newborn babies? It’s not like the prom is coming up, that was months ago. Instead of trying to figure out why the babies are getting dumped, I’ve decided to travel back in time, to try and figure out why these babies were made. What was going on in the world 9 months ago, that made people who were otherwise unprepared for parenthood make babies like it was going out of style? I’ve come up with 3 likely causes.

1. Philliesfans humping like rabbits. The joy of winning a world series was too much for the people of Philadelphiaia, and they all just started having crazy sex with anyone they could find, with no thoughts about the consequences. This leads us to now, 9 months later, realizing Philadelphia, or the entire Dutch Colony of Pennsylvaniaia for that matter, is no place to raise a child, so they drove to Columbus to dump their babies. Couple that with the fact that Philly hero Lenny Dykstra can’t help support them, it makes total sense. There is some holes  in this theory however. Philly people can’t drive, so how did they get here? And, They would have just dumped the babies in Amish country. It would have been way easier.

2. Browns/Notre Dame fans super excited about Derek Anderson going down, and brady Quinn getting the starting Job. Pretty much the same as the phillie theory, only this one holds a little more water. Yeah they get excited, and then 9 months later realize Brady Quinn blows, or they were worried about their baby getting a staph infection from just being a Browns fan. Of course, we have to consider the fact that Brady Quinn, in the eyes of young girls aged 12-16 is the next best thing to a Jonas brother, and we all know who is the best at keeping pregnancies secret. Fat women, and High School girls. We could be on to something here.

3. Obama. Roughly 9 months or 40 weeks ago (the exact human gestation period) many Americans were flying higher than ever before with his election. All the problems in the world were going to be washed away. We were all gonna be able to quit our jobs, everything would be taken care of, and we would all have magical, high quality free health care. Why wouldn’t you want to have sex? Then reality hit. A President, is still just a President. Still no Healthcare, the economy still blows, and life has to go on, as it always will. Of course, this theory is the strongest, because the very inverse could contribute to it as well. McCain fans were certain the world was going to end, got crazy drunk, and had crazy sex with other McCain fans. The only bad thing is, somehow I missed all this fun. Now those McCain fans are certain that their babies have no chance in this soon to be socialist world, and are ditching the kids left and right.
Either way, I think the election, and the fact that my theory about 90% of Americans being in some way retarded is the true cause of all this. Not that any one person is to blame, just that Americans are retarded. That, or they didn’t want to have to worry about taking care of a newborn baby during the ESPY’s.

Avoid the Mustache

This weekend, is one I dread each and every year. Like clock-work, it comes around, almost un-noticed, and it almost snuck up on me this year. The 4th of July usually distracts me, but I always seem to catch on in time to find an escape path. The last 4 years, I’ve managed to have the good fortune of having a family get away this very weekend, and for the most part, miss out on the suffering. What is it, that year in, and year out causes me angst? Well it’s the annual classic car/hot-rod car show at the Ohio State fairgrounds.
One would think, this would be right up my alley. One would also be dead wrong to think this. Sure, I love old cars, especially ones that go really fast, look cool, and burn gas like it’s free. There seems to be beer associated with this show, but still, it causes nothing but grief for me. Sure, I love old cars, scantilly clad women, and of course beer. The problem is, what comes with it. First and foremost, the sheer number of these car fanatics, is far more than you would think. From the time it starts, till sunday afternoon, I-71 (not THE 71) is jammed just norht of downtown with people flocking to this show. Unlike some events where the people not getting off at this exit just cruise on past in the far left lanes, these guys all have cars people want to look at, so everyone pretty much stops. it’s like a huge wreck, only no actual wrecking, or any cool damage. Getting stopped in traffic drives me nuts. I’ve known deep in my heart since I was a young child, that one day, I would go psycho with road rage, and shoot innocent people, because I got stopped in traffic. This car show does nothing but confirm this belief.
Of course there is the jealousy factor. Someday, I too will have a sweet car (as long as i am not in prison/dead at the hands of a cops bullet). In the mean time, all I can do is look on with envy at these assholes who are driving around in old ‘vettes, and mustangs, or hot-rods, while I drive around for work, or just everyday life.
There is also the whole “major pain-in-the-ass” thing. You see, up on my end of town, is the hotels where these guys seem to stay. There is no route to my house, that does not take me past all the hotels where these cars are, thus causing more traffic issues. It’s like a Buckeyes game, only I don’t get to go, or even drink beer for that matter.
Perhaps what grinds my gears the most, is the over-exposure of douchebags with mustache’s, cut-off t-shirts, sleeves rolled-up t-shirts, or hawaiian shirts. First off, only 1 out of 10 guys with a mustache can you trust. The rest, are undercover cops, regular cops, gay people looking for HJ’s, sexual predators, and guys with corvettes. Then the cut-off t-shirt guys. If you are not driving a total redneck pick-up truck on your way to our from either a country music concert, or to bail hay, or a 16 year old boy/lesbian, and you are wearing a cut-off t-shirt, you are gay. Then the hawaiian shirt thing. I firmly believe Homer Simpson said it best when he said “only two types of people wear Hawaiian shirts, Gays, and big fat party animals”. Now many of these guys are actually big fat party animals, but they all have to drive back to their hotel, which means, wrecks, which means, horrible traffic for me.
Of course, most of these old cars have been either built from scratch, or re-built by the owner themself, and many of them clearly suck at this hobby, and they break down, causing me to sit in traffic yet even more.

So until the day when I can have a sweet old corvette, or camaro, or just a Geo Tracker with a really cool paint job, I will avoid not just this car show, but the people who attend this show. I will do this, until the day I die, or when i get the Geo Tracker, whichever comes first. If I do get the cool car/Geo Tracker, I will definitely don a mustache, wear a Hawaiian shirt, with the sleaves cut off like a gay person, and have a really beat up looking skank riding around with me, and I will love every minute of it. So help me God.

I’ve never been so excited to drive out of town, to move furniture in all my life.

Defense

As I sit and watch my Redlegs try and find their newest way to lose, I can’t help but think about Defense. It’s been on my mind a lot lately, partly because I just read a sweat book on Bo Schembechler and Woody hayes, partly because I keep running outside to check and see if a North Korean missile is about to land on me. Then I remember, all the North Korean Missiles have knock-off Hyundai motors in them, and just crash into the ocean. The Reds do suck at defense tonight, and base running last night. In case anyone missed it, they lost (another sweet outing by homer) because on a 1st and 3rd situation, with one out, Adam Dunn…I mean Jay Bruce grounded into an easy double play. Instead of stalling, and forcing the 2nd baseman to either run after him, or throw to home or first, our runner just jogged into Chase Utley, who managed to lob it to first (Bruce was also jogging, and was out by a mile) before Joey Votto (also jogging) could score. This meant not insurance run for my Reds, and it meant Shane Victorinowent to the plate, with a chance to win it in the 9th. It was ‘Vote Shane In’ night in Philly, what do you think happen.
The other reason I keep thinking about defense, is that I have finally realized a purpose for my asshole dog Rudi.

I saw a weird bus dropping old people, and real douchey looking young folks, all about our neighborhood. They were all dressed really nicely, and travelling in pairs. I could not find my anti-Mormon/Jehovah’s witness defense kit, so I just turned down the lights, and hoped they would skip over me. Dylan had crashed early tonight, and if someone were to ring the doorbell, thus causing my asshole dog to go nuts, and wake him up, I was gonna snap. Plus the Reds were on. Finally, the damn doorbell rang. Rudi went nuts as expected. There were two older ladies at my door, one of whom clearly wanted me. They were religious folks passing out flyers or pamphlets, or whatever. I subdued rudi before he could wake my son, and prepared to listen to their spiel. They were quite brief, and not at all pressuring me to go to any church, give money, read the bible or sacrifice any livestock. This is strange. Usually, they are a total pain in the ass, but tonight, they got the hell out of here fast. I didn’t have time to even mess withthem. Usually, I pretend to either be Satanic, super into Jesus, and claim to talk to him regularly, or yell things like “Honey, we got Mormons again!” or say “Oh, well we go to St. Michaels, we’re catholic as shit”. It gets them to leave, andit’s fun. messing with religious people, who take time out of their evening to ruin mine, is good, clean fun. I like god, and Jesus, andpretty much most of the Bible characters, I just don’t like listening to people talk about them, especially during Reds games. Tonight though, I never got a chance to mess with any of them. It seems as though my dog Rudi, who is very large, black, and when he wants to can have a scary bark, scared them away. They were quite nervous, and commented on how large he was (I should have made a comment about his sack, but never thought about it). He was lunging at them the whole time. not to kill, but for them to pet him. Strangers have no idea my dog is the biggest pussy ever, but they never even get a chance to risk it. Since rudi has been full grown, we’ve had no problem chasing people off our porch. Though he may be retarded, and he does smell, Rudiis my home defense system. There’s pretty much no way in hell he could ever fendoff an intruder, but they don’t know that. Often times, people will ask if he is mean, or if he bites. I almost always say yes. It’s fun to pretend I am losing my grip on his collar, and watch them scatter. If he did get off, all he would do is rub loose fur onto them, and make them smell bad, but they don’t know that. So tonight, I salute my asshole dog Rudi. If it were not for him, I may have missed Micah Owings meltdown, because I was learning about Moses.

Can you make squash bread?

So we got a shitload of squash, or squorsh, depending on where you live. I enjoy the stuff, and will use it in a few of our upcoming meals. The problem is, we have a ton, and there is only so much squash, or squorsh one can eat, that and I don’t think my son will eat it, which means I make two different vegetables at dinner. He can throw squash, or squorsh as well as any veggie. We also got some zucchini, which is destined for some delicious zucchini bread. A possibly glorious idea came to me. Can you make squash, or squorsh bread? I mean, in zucchini bread, you really just taste the other stuff, and won’t taste zucchini, so why not try it with squash, or squorsh? How bad could it be? In fact, what other veggies have I been neglecting to grind into a pulp and mix with a shitload of sugar, and other delicious stuff to make tasty breads? Someone already stole carrot cake, but I’m sure I can do it with most any veggie, as long as I have enough brown sugar. Right? I mean, asparagus bread could be alright. As long as it tastes Half-way decent, and makes your pee smell funny, I think it would work.
Has anyone made breads with other vegetables, or is my squash/squorsh bread destined for the dogs bowl? Let me know if anyone has any tips. Dirty hippies need not apply.

What the…

Last evening, I kind of skipped over my Redlegs, and went about other business. I was still a little peaved about the total meltdown that followed Homer Bailey’s (finally) awesome performance, or the total ass whomping I had to watch at my in-laws Sunday. So either way, I had missed the Reds vs. Phillies game completely. I flipped through the channels, to see if the game was still on, or at the very least, the postgame. Thats when it hit me.
What the fuck? Did I see that right? Did we really lose by 3 touchdowns?
How could this happen? I know the Phillies won the world series last seaon, but come on. 22-1? I know a good deal of the runs were given up at the end, by back-up shortstop Paul janish, but still, 22-1. This is Major league baseball. I can see some crazy summer night, with the wind blowing out, a high scoring game, where one team gets into the 20’s, but you gotta expect the other team posts an otherwise crazy score, not a shootout on one side, and a near shutout on the other. Thats little league stuff. We’ve all either played on that really good little league, high school, or softball team, or inversely played on that cast of retards that made you hate life after every game. Blowouts happen, we’ve all been a part of one somewhere along the line, but the majors? I know, it only counts as one loss, and as a sympathetic society, I can expect that, even though I think the Reds should forfeit the rest of the series. The real injustice, is Philly only gets one win for that. Give those guys credit, they kicked the shit out of the Reds. They should either get like 10 wins for that, an automatic post-season bid, or a really awesome trophy.
The other thing that really struck me, was, how is there not a mercy rule in the Majors? I understand, it’s a business, and the fans paid to see at least 9 innings, but there can be rainouts. and stuff, so stopping the game before 9 full innings does happen. I’m not saying you have to have a universal mercy rule in MLB, but maybe just for the Ohio teams. They both suck really, really bad. The saddest thing is, Cleveland sucks way more than the Reds do, imagine if they had to play Philly.
To think, when I saw the matchup between Cueto, and Hammels, and thought it was gonna be a pitchers duel, and meant to watch it, I was actually saved from what could have been a toalt meltdown. Now, I’m glad I instead worked tirelessly at making puffy-paint Michael Jackson tribute signs to decorate my vehicle with. Instead of looking like just another ass-hole Reds fan, I was that guy witht eh awesome wheels blaring thriller all day.

Go Reds!

Meteorologists should die

Maybe not die, I’ll settle for a tar and feathering, but I have not ruled out death.
It was a simple plan really. Wait until the last possible moment before embarking on a mini-get-away, to cut my grass. I thought I had everything covered. I’ve been working crazy hours lately, to get things done, and get more money. Leaving myself with only enough time to mow, if it was completely necessary. I had a nice mowing schedule worked out, so I could get as much other things done, and cut it at the last moment before I took off for the weekend. The grass is now slightly higher than I like it, but it’s for a good cause. I was hoping to avoid mowing too early, only to return home to find the grass so tall, that I would have to mow twice in a row, and maybe still rake. I had it timed perfectly. The big debate was, do I mow late yesterday evening, just before dark? Or, could I wait till I had more time to do it right, just before leaving town. I checked every weather forecasting service at my disposal. All the local t.v. networks, radio stations, and yes, all of the internets. They all said the same thing. It was a go, for waiting until thursday to mow. No rain until late thursday afternoon, early evening. One guy even said specifically, 6:00 p.m. I was all set. I let the yard go until today, where I would mow, and it might still be short enough when I return home this weekend. That’s where the plan went to shit.
I awoke this morning, to see it had indeed rained. I was watching the weather guys early this morning, who still stuck by their guns that no rain would be coming until later today, much later. The puddles outside said different. It continued to drizzle, even as the radar showed nothing, and the talking heads on t.v. kept their heads in the sand. Maybe it was a fluke. Maybe the sun would come out, dry things up, and I could still mow a little later. All morning, it kept drizzling. never a downpour, but it never stopped for more than a half hour. How can they all be this wrong?
I blame myself really. I should know better than to trust retards whose very profession has been the subject of stand-up comedians bits for decades. People who get paid to tell you what is going to happen, despite endless advancements in technology, and centuries of semi-science at their disposal, still give every forecast with a percentage of likelihood. Much like a vegas casino, except way less accurate. I can only blame myself. I waited too long. I trusted a bogus forecast, and now I’m about to pay the price, by trying to mow tall, wet grass.
I have friends in Cincy, Fort Wayne Indiana, Lima OH, and Toledo. I live in Columbus. My entire western flank is guarded by friends. Still, I trust the idiots on t.v. and weather.com. From here on out, I’m just gonna make a round of phone calls and ask, is it raining there? If it is, I’m gonna mow. If it’s not, I’ll keep up the status quo, and call back in a few hours. Maybe I’ll get a weather balloon, we’ll see. It can’t be that hard, can it? All I know is this, the weathermen/women/computers, can no longer be trusted. My t.v. will only be used for sports, movies, antiques roadshow, and Ice Road Truckers. My Computer will only be used for work, sports, movies, music, and the occasional porn. My radio, will only be used for sports, music, and old Jerky Boys cd’s. From here on out, I’m making my own weather. That may not work, I’ll give it my best, and go from there. At the very least, I’m gonna do my own forecasts. I’ll use everything at my disposal. The social network I have in place will allow me to know what weather is coming my way in the next few hours. What I need though, is friends in the following locations. Central, and southern Illinois, Western kentucky (the guys at the Makers Mark distillery still won’t return my weather related calls), and someplace in Missouri. Having friends in these locals, will allow me to know what weather I can expect for at least one entire day. It would be nice to know a little farther in advance, but I can’t be friends with anyone in Kansas, or Nebraska, for obvious reasons. So if you are a friend of mine, and you live in any of the areas listed above, expect plenty of calls from me about the weather, sometimes, really early in the morning. If you live in any of the other areas I’ve listed, and want to help out, please send me your info, and then I’ll give you my address, and you can send me money, or beer. I have enough friends at the moment, so any new ones should expect to pay for my services. I really can’t offer any good services, but you should still expect to pay.

Almost here…

I can hardly wait. This vacation of sorts, can’t come soon enough. Though we are all getting screwed by having a national holiday hit on a weekend this year, I’ll take what I can get. Sure, I have to take a few extra vacation days to supplement this joy, but it’s well worth it. the 4th of July, is quite possibly the greatest holiday of the year, not just the season. Sure, Christmas has gifts, but it also has gifts. Many holidays get you off work, and most get you food. Only one is celebrated accross the globe with coolers full of beer, and grills full of brats. Unless you live in Iran, the 4th of July is as good as it gets. Many people ruin this great day, by attending parades, fireworks displays, and otherwise fraternizing with the general public. not me. No, day to day life forces me to confront all sorts of folks I really hate, from all kinds of races, religions, and creeds, whatever the hell a creed is. This day, I choose to avoid the public. My only interaction with strangers will be with whomever is behind the counter when I purchase booze, or ice, or the necessary supplies for home-made fireworks. I choose isolation, and I love it. Weathe permitting, I plan on one hell of a sunburn, followed by one hell of a bonfire, and depending on which supplies I buy, one hell of an explosion. Instead of funnel cakes, and fat strangers, I choose brats, pie, and fat friends. Instead of frozen lemonade, or over-priced draft beer, I choose endless supplies of properly chilled alcho-drinks of my choosing. Instead of long lines for a porto-shitter, I choose to pee on a tree. No gay old people playing Soussa tunes from a gazeebo, get me a Reds game on the Radio, and I’m set. This could be my last 4th of July, to avoid the general public, so I have to do this one right. Soon, my duties as a father will expose me to public 4th of July celebrations. Bumping shoulders with fat white trash at a parade, or standing next to families of strangers in Jean shorts while watching crappy fireworks. it’s all right around the corner, and I’m freaking out. The other parental duties I can handle. Food, shelter, a role model. Check, check, check. Love, support, a college fund, I can do those, it’s the white trash in lawn chairs that has me losing sleep. No folks, I will not let this waining oppurtunity to live it up pass me by, I will do it right, come hell, high water, or fat people in jean shorts. In fact, if I see someone wearing jean shorts this weekend, and it’s not my hot wife, and they aren’t super short jean shorts, I’m gonna pee on their legs. The fire-hose bandit is not dead yet.
So lets all do this one right folks. My back-up/shitty weather plan, is to sneak a bottle of Makers mark into the theatre, and see Transformers. otherwise, this entire weekend, is gonna be beer, brats, and cancer causing sunburns. It’s gonna start early, and it’s gonna rock. My work day is going to end with a trip to the butcher shop, followed by the liquor store, and then it begins. No matter how much beer is in that cooler, it’s getting drank. Remember, their are kids in third world countries who don’t have beer for their 4th of July picnics, so lets not let it go to waste. They would want us to drink those beers after all.
So everyone, have a fun, un-safe, exciting, and highly boozed up holiday. Be un-safe with whatever watercraft you have access to, eat too much, drink waay too much, and make a total ass of yourself. It’s what General Washington would have wanted.