Time to end Twitter

I’ve pretty much had enough with any, and all things Twitter. At first, I paid little attention to it at all. I just didn’t care. it was a minor annoyance, that I was sure would go away in a matter of weeks, as it is clearly the stupidest thing we as Humans have made into a Fad since the Hackey-sack. However, there seems to be no escaping it. Everywhere I look, there is something about Twitter. Every news program, or Radio show can’t seem to go 10 whole minutes without bringing up Twitter.
First, it was a way for retarded Hollywood reporters, who were too lazy to find out what Paris Hilton was doing, to report on things nobody in there right mind cares about. Then, every douche celebrity started doing it, then the idiots on T.V. and radio had to tell us all about more things we don’t care about. Now, companies, dogs, and buildings have Twitter accounts, to make sure that any possible thing we have no desire to know about, gets to us loud and clear. Apparently real life people (although the author still doubts they deserve basic Human rights) are using Twitter. The question I ask is, Why?

Why would I care? Why would I want to know what Ocho Cinco is doing for lunch, or what CokeZero is offering to me? The good news is, I don’t care. I am proud to say, I have never been to Twitter, nor have I been Tweeted. The problem is, Americans are retarded enough already, this only makes it worse. I was certain this retard fad would blow over, as it serves no practical purpose, and unlike almost every other media thing on the Internet, has no way to post naked pictures. It appears that although Twitter is destined to fail, and go away someday, it seems to be here for a while. I just can’t have this.
We need to set up some basic rules, which I believe will slow the retardation of my fellow Americans, and eventually make Twitter go away for good. Here they are.

1. For every person who’s Twitter you sign up for, your driver’s license is suspended one month. If you are stupid enough to use this thing, you clearly are not of the intelligence it takes to safely navigate a motorized vehicle.

2. If you yourself Tweet, whether it be to comment on tonights episode of ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ or to warn us of an invasion by the British, you have to give up your right to vote for one full major election cycle. Not a full 4 years, but the 2 yr. span for midterm elections. These can add up, so if you tweet 20 times, you can plan on not voting for the next 40 years. This will at least give American society a fighting chance, and keep a good portion of our more useless citizens from deciding public policy. 

3. If you are caught Twittering in public on a cellular device, not only will the above two rules go into effect, but said cellular device will be taken away from you, and stomped on by a guy in a flannel shirt and really big boots, until said device is no longer usable. After 2 offenses like this, you lose the ability to own a cell phone for one full year.

It’s pretty simple really. Twitter, is the dumbest thing ever. If you find yourself being tweeted, or you yourself Twitter, you are of the lowest form of intelligence, and are keeping the Human race from advancing, thus delaying awesome things like Hoverboards, and golfing on Mars. If you Tweet, Twitter, or get Twatted, you have serious problems. If there is any famous person you care so much about, that you have to know whatever they have to say, at any given time, please, please do not breed, as you are so messed up, you will only set back the evolution of our species. If you care about Austin Kutcher, or Britney Spears so much, that you sign onto their Twitter, do us all a favor, either go Amish, or put a plastic bag on your head and go take a nap. Lets all do the right thing. From here on out, whenever you see someone, ask if they Twitter, or get Twitter’d. if they say yes, please punch them in the face. This is the same way we got rid of the Whig party back in the day, we can do it again for the Twitter. If I hear one more thing about dumb assed Twitter, i swear I am going to have a stroke. Please make this thing go away, so we can let the internets get back to what they were designed for. Email, illegal downloads of music, games, movies, awesome videos of Erin Andrews curling her hair, and checking out her butt in the mirror nude, and of course, blogs, and porn. I can forgive a lot of things, but if you Twitter, I hate you.
God Bless America