Defense

As I sit and watch my Redlegs try and find their newest way to lose, I can’t help but think about Defense. It’s been on my mind a lot lately, partly because I just read a sweat book on Bo Schembechler and Woody hayes, partly because I keep running outside to check and see if a North Korean missile is about to land on me. Then I remember, all the North Korean Missiles have knock-off Hyundai motors in them, and just crash into the ocean. The Reds do suck at defense tonight, and base running last night. In case anyone missed it, they lost (another sweet outing by homer) because on a 1st and 3rd situation, with one out, Adam Dunn…I mean Jay Bruce grounded into an easy double play. Instead of stalling, and forcing the 2nd baseman to either run after him, or throw to home or first, our runner just jogged into Chase Utley, who managed to lob it to first (Bruce was also jogging, and was out by a mile) before Joey Votto (also jogging) could score. This meant not insurance run for my Reds, and it meant Shane Victorinowent to the plate, with a chance to win it in the 9th. It was ‘Vote Shane In’ night in Philly, what do you think happen.
The other reason I keep thinking about defense, is that I have finally realized a purpose for my asshole dog Rudi.

I saw a weird bus dropping old people, and real douchey looking young folks, all about our neighborhood. They were all dressed really nicely, and travelling in pairs. I could not find my anti-Mormon/Jehovah’s witness defense kit, so I just turned down the lights, and hoped they would skip over me. Dylan had crashed early tonight, and if someone were to ring the doorbell, thus causing my asshole dog to go nuts, and wake him up, I was gonna snap. Plus the Reds were on. Finally, the damn doorbell rang. Rudi went nuts as expected. There were two older ladies at my door, one of whom clearly wanted me. They were religious folks passing out flyers or pamphlets, or whatever. I subdued rudi before he could wake my son, and prepared to listen to their spiel. They were quite brief, and not at all pressuring me to go to any church, give money, read the bible or sacrifice any livestock. This is strange. Usually, they are a total pain in the ass, but tonight, they got the hell out of here fast. I didn’t have time to even mess withthem. Usually, I pretend to either be Satanic, super into Jesus, and claim to talk to him regularly, or yell things like “Honey, we got Mormons again!” or say “Oh, well we go to St. Michaels, we’re catholic as shit”. It gets them to leave, andit’s fun. messing with religious people, who take time out of their evening to ruin mine, is good, clean fun. I like god, and Jesus, andpretty much most of the Bible characters, I just don’t like listening to people talk about them, especially during Reds games. Tonight though, I never got a chance to mess with any of them. It seems as though my dog Rudi, who is very large, black, and when he wants to can have a scary bark, scared them away. They were quite nervous, and commented on how large he was (I should have made a comment about his sack, but never thought about it). He was lunging at them the whole time. not to kill, but for them to pet him. Strangers have no idea my dog is the biggest pussy ever, but they never even get a chance to risk it. Since rudi has been full grown, we’ve had no problem chasing people off our porch. Though he may be retarded, and he does smell, Rudiis my home defense system. There’s pretty much no way in hell he could ever fendoff an intruder, but they don’t know that. Often times, people will ask if he is mean, or if he bites. I almost always say yes. It’s fun to pretend I am losing my grip on his collar, and watch them scatter. If he did get off, all he would do is rub loose fur onto them, and make them smell bad, but they don’t know that. So tonight, I salute my asshole dog Rudi. If it were not for him, I may have missed Micah Owings meltdown, because I was learning about Moses.