Meteorologists should die

Maybe not die, I’ll settle for a tar and feathering, but I have not ruled out death.
It was a simple plan really. Wait until the last possible moment before embarking on a mini-get-away, to cut my grass. I thought I had everything covered. I’ve been working crazy hours lately, to get things done, and get more money. Leaving myself with only enough time to mow, if it was completely necessary. I had a nice mowing schedule worked out, so I could get as much other things done, and cut it at the last moment before I took off for the weekend. The grass is now slightly higher than I like it, but it’s for a good cause. I was hoping to avoid mowing too early, only to return home to find the grass so tall, that I would have to mow twice in a row, and maybe still rake. I had it timed perfectly. The big debate was, do I mow late yesterday evening, just before dark? Or, could I wait till I had more time to do it right, just before leaving town. I checked every weather forecasting service at my disposal. All the local t.v. networks, radio stations, and yes, all of the internets. They all said the same thing. It was a go, for waiting until thursday to mow. No rain until late thursday afternoon, early evening. One guy even said specifically, 6:00 p.m. I was all set. I let the yard go until today, where I would mow, and it might still be short enough when I return home this weekend. That’s where the plan went to shit.
I awoke this morning, to see it had indeed rained. I was watching the weather guys early this morning, who still stuck by their guns that no rain would be coming until later today, much later. The puddles outside said different. It continued to drizzle, even as the radar showed nothing, and the talking heads on t.v. kept their heads in the sand. Maybe it was a fluke. Maybe the sun would come out, dry things up, and I could still mow a little later. All morning, it kept drizzling. never a downpour, but it never stopped for more than a half hour. How can they all be this wrong?
I blame myself really. I should know better than to trust retards whose very profession has been the subject of stand-up comedians bits for decades. People who get paid to tell you what is going to happen, despite endless advancements in technology, and centuries of semi-science at their disposal, still give every forecast with a percentage of likelihood. Much like a vegas casino, except way less accurate. I can only blame myself. I waited too long. I trusted a bogus forecast, and now I’m about to pay the price, by trying to mow tall, wet grass.
I have friends in Cincy, Fort Wayne Indiana, Lima OH, and Toledo. I live in Columbus. My entire western flank is guarded by friends. Still, I trust the idiots on t.v. and weather.com. From here on out, I’m just gonna make a round of phone calls and ask, is it raining there? If it is, I’m gonna mow. If it’s not, I’ll keep up the status quo, and call back in a few hours. Maybe I’ll get a weather balloon, we’ll see. It can’t be that hard, can it? All I know is this, the weathermen/women/computers, can no longer be trusted. My t.v. will only be used for sports, movies, antiques roadshow, and Ice Road Truckers. My Computer will only be used for work, sports, movies, music, and the occasional porn. My radio, will only be used for sports, music, and old Jerky Boys cd’s. From here on out, I’m making my own weather. That may not work, I’ll give it my best, and go from there. At the very least, I’m gonna do my own forecasts. I’ll use everything at my disposal. The social network I have in place will allow me to know what weather is coming my way in the next few hours. What I need though, is friends in the following locations. Central, and southern Illinois, Western kentucky (the guys at the Makers Mark distillery still won’t return my weather related calls), and someplace in Missouri. Having friends in these locals, will allow me to know what weather I can expect for at least one entire day. It would be nice to know a little farther in advance, but I can’t be friends with anyone in Kansas, or Nebraska, for obvious reasons. So if you are a friend of mine, and you live in any of the areas listed above, expect plenty of calls from me about the weather, sometimes, really early in the morning. If you live in any of the other areas I’ve listed, and want to help out, please send me your info, and then I’ll give you my address, and you can send me money, or beer. I have enough friends at the moment, so any new ones should expect to pay for my services. I really can’t offer any good services, but you should still expect to pay.