Almost here…

I can hardly wait. This vacation of sorts, can’t come soon enough. Though we are all getting screwed by having a national holiday hit on a weekend this year, I’ll take what I can get. Sure, I have to take a few extra vacation days to supplement this joy, but it’s well worth it. the 4th of July, is quite possibly the greatest holiday of the year, not just the season. Sure, Christmas has gifts, but it also has gifts. Many holidays get you off work, and most get you food. Only one is celebrated accross the globe with coolers full of beer, and grills full of brats. Unless you live in Iran, the 4th of July is as good as it gets. Many people ruin this great day, by attending parades, fireworks displays, and otherwise fraternizing with the general public. not me. No, day to day life forces me to confront all sorts of folks I really hate, from all kinds of races, religions, and creeds, whatever the hell a creed is. This day, I choose to avoid the public. My only interaction with strangers will be with whomever is behind the counter when I purchase booze, or ice, or the necessary supplies for home-made fireworks. I choose isolation, and I love it. Weathe permitting, I plan on one hell of a sunburn, followed by one hell of a bonfire, and depending on which supplies I buy, one hell of an explosion. Instead of funnel cakes, and fat strangers, I choose brats, pie, and fat friends. Instead of frozen lemonade, or over-priced draft beer, I choose endless supplies of properly chilled alcho-drinks of my choosing. Instead of long lines for a porto-shitter, I choose to pee on a tree. No gay old people playing Soussa tunes from a gazeebo, get me a Reds game on the Radio, and I’m set. This could be my last 4th of July, to avoid the general public, so I have to do this one right. Soon, my duties as a father will expose me to public 4th of July celebrations. Bumping shoulders with fat white trash at a parade, or standing next to families of strangers in Jean shorts while watching crappy fireworks. it’s all right around the corner, and I’m freaking out. The other parental duties I can handle. Food, shelter, a role model. Check, check, check. Love, support, a college fund, I can do those, it’s the white trash in lawn chairs that has me losing sleep. No folks, I will not let this waining oppurtunity to live it up pass me by, I will do it right, come hell, high water, or fat people in jean shorts. In fact, if I see someone wearing jean shorts this weekend, and it’s not my hot wife, and they aren’t super short jean shorts, I’m gonna pee on their legs. The fire-hose bandit is not dead yet.
So lets all do this one right folks. My back-up/shitty weather plan, is to sneak a bottle of Makers mark into the theatre, and see Transformers. otherwise, this entire weekend, is gonna be beer, brats, and cancer causing sunburns. It’s gonna start early, and it’s gonna rock. My work day is going to end with a trip to the butcher shop, followed by the liquor store, and then it begins. No matter how much beer is in that cooler, it’s getting drank. Remember, their are kids in third world countries who don’t have beer for their 4th of July picnics, so lets not let it go to waste. They would want us to drink those beers after all.
So everyone, have a fun, un-safe, exciting, and highly boozed up holiday. Be un-safe with whatever watercraft you have access to, eat too much, drink waay too much, and make a total ass of yourself. It’s what General Washington would have wanted.