Testing

In order to maintain balance, I try and fullfill any, and all requests that come my way, as far as the blog goes. It has come to my attention, that we have not done a WWYRB? lately. I have tried in the past to do new editions, but for whatever reason the old school way of just pasting links to pictures of the celebs, is no longer working. Sure, I could do ith the old fashiond way, and just talk about the contestants like we did in the past but, that would be a step backward. I could learn some basic computering skills and post the pictures, but I don’t have the time, and I still consider anyone with moderate computer skills to be a witch. So I guess I’ll try this one last time and see, and then go from there. So here it is, my test link, and if it works, we’ll have a new WWYRB right around the corner.

http://wordspacing.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/pete-rose-jockey.jpeg

It’s on bitches!

Operation Weight Gain

So the highly educated, and always professional folks in the rental tuxedo industry, have screwed me yet again. All is not lost, this time it can be fixed. From what I’ve gathered, everything is the color it’s supposed to be. there is just one little problem. The measurements, mainly in the pantal regions. When I went in to get fitted, I was first being measured by a guy who was clearly having not his best day, and seemed to be going through either some major withdrawals, or was coming down hard from some pretty good drugs. Midway through, a very excited, but even more freaky looking/acting gay dude volunteered to switch with him, and both were all in favor of this move. I’ve already gone into this whole deal, about me being sexully assaulted by a gay taylor and a coke head, but today it came back to bite a little.
I went in to pick up my rental Tux, for my little brothers wedding (Good luck DRF!) and forgot I had to “try” everything on. “Isn’t that why you measured me once already?” I asked, forgetting that people who work at tuxedo rental shops are just “not-legally-retarded” enough to have to work, but not intelligent enough to be employed elsewhere. As I went into the dressing room to try everything on, I noticed my pants fit really well. I had been doing the workout/diet thing pretty hard lately, “good for me” I thought. Then when I went to fasten them up, I realized, I had a lot of extra room here. “Did I lose like 35 pounds last week?” I thought. Then I looked into the mirror, and the reflection looking back at me was of the last guy to find out that the MC Hammer look went out a long time ago. I took the pants off, and checked the tag. It was 5 sizes bigger than what I wear. I am a fatass, I admit that, but I wear it well, and the size of pant I wear, for everything, which is always loose fitting, is still 5 sizes smaller than these pants were. So as I left the dressing room, to show off for the waiting idiot who was there to make sure everything fit (even though there isn’t a whole lot he can do about it now) I did my little Hammer dance, and commented about my new parachute pants. He was like “they do look a little big” I was like “yeah maybe because your taylor staff consists of a cokehead (who was still there) and a gay dude who measured my inseam 4 times, and my waist zero time (who is also still working there). So the crack staff down at the Mens Warehouse all got together to come up with a solution, as I practiced karate moves, and MC hammer dances in front of the mirror. They decided the best thing to do, was keep the giant pants they gave me, and then rush order a new pair. I brought up the fact that they had two guys measuring me for at least 15 minutes (I did get a ton of extra room in the inseam though, so thanks for that creepy gay guy, I’m flattered a little) and they still got it wrong, with 4 weeks to get it right, and the odds of them getting it right in just over 12 hours, without measuring me, and counting on several middle men, were pretty shitty at best. I told them, I had to leave pretty early, and they could try to get a pair in tonight, or ship a pair to the store closest to the wedding site, and I would keep the MC Hammer pants until I got the new ones. They of course, could not let me keep the pants, and order a new pair. So what does one do in this case? Trust the tuxedo rental industry, and their crack staff, and hope that the next pair fits right, or at the very least is not even worse? or, does one keep the huge pants, and adapt to the situation. having no faith in the retards of this industry as a whole, I opted to keep the pants. If you cinch up the sides with the little adjustment clips, they do fit a little, just with some extra room. this way, I can have an erection the entire time, and nobody will know about it, which is dissapointing, but I can smuggle entire liquor bottles in the pants legs, which is a huge bonus. In fact, I can pretty much play pocket pool the entire day, and nobody will know…maybe, we’ll find out soon enough. All I can do now, is make the best of this, it’s not a huge deal. Maybe I can pack on as many pounds as possible in the next 24 hours. There will be beer, and like 209 Wendy’s between my house, and the town where the wedding is at, so that will help. So here I am, after working my ass off to lose a few pounds, trying to gain it all back, and then about 20 or so more. Maybe I can get stung by a bunch of bees in the waist area. So kudos to you tuxedo rental industry. you’ve outdone yourselves, yet again, you worthless bastards. If anyone out there has been laid off dur to the economy, and can’t find work, I assure you, the tuxedo rental industry will hire you.

Why do Basketball analysts try so hard to make their jobs more difficult than they are? Why do they look so far under the surface, so far past the blatantly obvious for the answer to the outcome of a game? From what I am seeing on t.v. Kobe bryant is not just the greatest basketball player ever, but he is the absolute Apex in human evolution. I love how it’s all about how dominant he is this game, and how “one man really can win a game himself”. No, if that were the case, the Lakers would be playing in Cleveland right now. Does nobody pay any attention to the fact that Orlando is doinking wide open shot, after wide open shot, that they were nailing against the Cavs? Here’s a tip NBA analysts. Shooting percentage. it’s not everything, but it’s pretty damn close. When a team like the Cavs repeatedly miss wide open shots, that they usually hit with a high percentage, they hurt their chances to win. When the opponent is shooting lights out, well above their season average, they might just win. You see NBA idiots, if the Cavs had shot anywhere close to what they shot in the regular season, and the first two rounds, if the role players had just made 2 of the 15 or so wide open shots they bricked against orlando, they win that series in 5 games. Lebron, and his lackies proved, that one guy can’t win a series, not in basketball, and not in a 7 game deal, at least not without some help. Kobe is awesome, at basketball, and getting away with butt raping white girls. Orlando is missing wide open shots, left and right, they are getting good look, after good look, and still missing,and Kobe isn’t passing the ball. if orlando shoots sub 35% they get swept, and Kobe is the greatest ever. Against the Cavs, the Magic were lights out. It comes down to this folks, make your shots, or at least most of them, you win. Especially if your opponent is missing their open looks. What happened to the Cavs against the Magic, is happening to Orlando now. Koe is good yes, Phil is smart, but it’s like golf, you either have it, or you don’t on any certain day. Or, I suppose Kobe being awesome, is what is making Orlando miss open threes.

Where have you gone Delino Deshields?

What is it about non-superstar athletes out in public? Why are you so against admitting who you are to random drunk white guys when they come up and ask you if are who you actually are? Why do you pretend to be someone else, when all we want to do, is get you to admit to your minor stardom, and maybe take some humiliating camera phone pics of us and you?

This past weekend, we had ourselves a little bit of a bachelor party. To start off the evening, we took in the best AAA Baseball this side of Toledo, as the Columbus Clippers took on some other team. I didn’t care, it was a night out, with beer, and Baseball should you choose to watch it. Sometime between the time we got inside, and when they stopped selling beer, a friend of mine pointed out what could only be former Major League 2nd baseman, Delino Deshields. Like most washed up major league players, he was in the cheap seats, and with a trashy looking white chick. So after a short debate, and some high quality internet camera research, we approached Mr. Deshields, and confronted him about his identity. He of course denied his status as a former lead off hitter for the Expo’s, but we knew better, and so we pressed on. Wave after wave of drunk white guys approached Delino, and yet he held strong, denying to the end, his status as a former baseball decent.
So there we were, the chance to make a guy feel awesome, take some photos, then make jokes about him, and he pushed us away. Sure, there was the outside chance he was just some black dude taking in a Clippers game from the cheap seats, but come on, it’s baseball, and it had to be him.
In a perfect world, he would have broke, had a few beers with us, told us all stories about him and Andre Dawson living it up in Montreal, or whether or not Andres Galaraga liked the hookers. Instead, we went our seperate ways.
The real question looms. Why wouldn’t a guy like Delino Deshields want to be bothered by us? What does he have going on that is so important? These are troubling times my friends, when random drunk people can’t even bother former baseball semi-stars on a night out. Troubeling times indeed.