It ends tonight

For some time, my marriage has been in turmoil. We’ve tried to compromise, and move on, but we always end up right back in the place where we started. It has become painfully obvious, that if something does not change, my wife and I are gonna have to throw down. One thing, keeps tearing our young family apart, and I’m ready to settle this score once and for all.
You see, my wife and I come from two different worlds. Mine a world of happiness, and common sense, as well as a taste for deliciousness. Hers is a darker, more depressing world, full of bland tasting sandwiches, and broken homes. Deep in my heart, I know I am right, but in the end, there is only room in our refrigerator for one sandwich spread, and the time has come to settle this once and for all. I can think of no better place to end this debate, than the internet. Where the people unfortunately messed up enough to be able to say they know me, and pure strangers can decide our fate. You see, I am, always have been, and always will be a man dedicated to the sweet savory taste of Kraft Miracle whip salad dressing. I don’t know if I’ve ever used it as a salad dressing, but it finds it’s way onto all my sandwiches, wraps, and quasi-salads, such as chicken salad. The sweet, delicious tanginess is unmatched in this world, and I can’t imagine life without it. If you do much cooking, and try new things, you’ll find many recipes call for Mayonnaise, with lime juice added to it, or even “prepared” mayonnaise. Miracle whip already has that going for it. I know which varieties are just as good, or at least close to the real thing, (miracle whip light) and which ones just break your heart (low-fat miracle whip) I know the squeeze bottle is awesome, except you can never get that last little bit out, and you can’t do that fun little knife in the jar rattle thing you can do with the jar like on those commercials from the late 80’s.
My wife was raised by wolves, and seems to think regular Mayonnaise is better. She tries to get me to make everything with it, as opposed to making it taste good by adding Miracle Whip. She’ll say “will you make mine with “real” mayonaise? So if I am making us each a sandwich ( I can never remember how to spell sandwich, and anyone who uses the word “sammy” like Rachel Ray, should be publicly stoned), I have to get out both jars, and two knives, to make what is basically the same thing. I believe that once a knife has been tainted with regular ole mayo, it should be boiled in salt water, then buried in the yard, so it can never ruin one of my sandwiches again. She thinks that since Mayonnaise is French, it’s better. I think Mayo is tasteless crap, that can’t hold a candle to the whip. The time has come for one, and only one, to rule supreme in our household.
Lets put this thing to vote, and settle this once, and for all, so we can get back with our lives, and spend our time arguing about the important things, like what soap to buy, and how to fold a shirt.

Please vote, and comment as well, so we can make an adult decision on this one, and better our live’s. A young child sandwiches are at stake here people.