“I’ll take THE GREATEST THING EVER for 500 Alex”

Wow! Where to begin. Just out of the blue, it hits me like a bag of bricks. Solid gold bricks. There I was driving along, when I hear one of the sports shows on ESPN radio open by discussing the Bengals. In May, when people talk about the Bengals in the media, it is never a good thing. Usually this means some type of arrest, or disgruntled player, or both. This time however, it was music to my ears. news so great, not even a stomach virus, and a sexual assault can keep me down. The Cincinnati Bengals, will be featured as this years team on the award winning HBO/NFL Films Documentary ‘Hard Knocks’. I know what you’re thinking, “don’t the bengals get hard knocks every year?” and yes, that is true, but this time, it’s happening in HD, and on HBO, so F-bombs will be a flyin’. It’s perfect, every aspect of my teams journey into the season will be filmed. Every roster battle, every Ocho cinco meltdown, every cortizone shot into Carson palmers elbow will be broadcast accross the globe, in glorious HD. Ever wonder just how much better as a rookie Rey Mauluga is than Rashaad freakin Jeanty? Well we’re all gonna find out. Wanna guess how over weight Andre the giant is going to be at his first training camp? They’ll show us. It’s all gonna be right there, on my t.v. In fact, I may need to get a few more televisions, just to be safe. What if I have to run up or down the stairs during the showing of an episode? Sure, I have DVR, and it’ll be replayed, and on HBO on Demand, but I’d feel a lot safer with HD in the hallways, and stairwells. Wanna hera Ocho Cinco yell at the coaches? I do. Wanna hear the coaches yell back? Me too. Ever wonder to yourself on a hot august afternoon “I wonder what Chris henry is doing right now” well the mystery will be revealed.
One of the showcased features of this show is with the rookies. They center in on the big name guys who are expected to contribute. We all got to see what a horrible waste of a draft pick Bobby carpenter was with the Cowboys last year, now imagine the possibillities with Bengal draft picks. They often focus in on lesser known rookies, and undrafted free agents, guys not expected to make it. They make you root for the little guy, and it breaks your heart when they get cut. Not this year baby! I have already compiled a list of shitty current Bengals that I can’t wait to see get cut, and I haven’t even thought about the new guys. I’m going to go to bed tonight, and pray that the Bengals can find a way to bring back Levi Jones, Artrell Hawkins, and Chris Perry, just so I can see when the stooge goes and knocks on their dorm room door, and says “bring your playbook, coach wants to see ya”. Oh how sweet that would be. I may call Mike Brown every day, and ask if I can be “The Turk” or the guy who goes and gets a player when a coach is calling him to cut him. How awesome would that be? I could do it while wearing ‘Steely Dan’ cut-off concert t-shirt, or even dressed up like the ghost of Paul Brown.
perhaps the only bad apart about all this, is it’s still 3 months away from filming, and even longer for it to air. How can I get through this. It was already bad enough having to wait for the new Terminator, and Transformers movies, now this. What will I do? How can I kill that much time? Hockey and the NBA are pretty much over, the champs have all but been decided (Detroit/Cleveland), my Reds are a wrecking ball, tearing through NL teams on a surefire route to a playoff collapse. There’s only so much I can do until I can enjoy seeing bengals players getting cussed at by Mike Zimmer. Only so many beers I can drink, and yards I can mow, until I can see Roy Williams getting burnt deep in HD. This could be the longest summer in history. God help us all.