Chris gets sexually assaulted!

My day was finally shaping up. What started as one big dissapointment, followed by another, had just  taken an amazing turn for the better. I had stopped in at Target, a store I visit about once a year whether I need to or not, and had just had one of the greatest shopping experiences of my life. not the things I was buying, Target is full of the crap China couldn’t sell to anyone else. The highlight, was the service. I went through the checkout lane run by the living encarnation of Jimmy Vulmer form South Park. As I approached, I noticed the dude was pretty ripped, and then discovered the reason for this, was his legs were pretty messed up. he had on those giant corrective shoes, and his crutches were leaning against the counter. The dude was the happiest person I have ever met, and did not want to punch. He even talked like Jimmy from South Park. It was amazing. I found myself wanting to hang out, and watch him interact with his co-workers. They did not share his zest for life, but they weren’t awesome like Jimmy was. What a breathe of fresh air that dude was. As i checked out, he kinda stuttered and said, “Thanks for Shopping Target, have a great day”. I said “you too man, thanks” and instead of letting that go, he even responded again. he said “thank you very much, I sure will, definitely” (all while stutering). I’m pretty sure he meant it too. That dude was awesome. I kinda want to shop at Target now, and see if any other south park characters work there. From that point on, my day really went to shit.
I had to get fitted for a tuxedo, at Men’s Warehouse. I was hoping the time of day I went in there would mean it was pretty empty, which it was. There were three employees working when i went in. Super hot 30 something blonde chick, Guy totally coming down from, or detoxing from, and Jonesing for Cocaine, and super creepy gay guy. Guess which one I got? Definitely not super hot chick, I have waaaay too much bad karma built up to get lucky enough to have my inseam measured by a hot female. maybe if in my next three lifetime’s I cure cancer, and do some other awesome stuff, but definitely not anytime soon. no, I got the coke head, who looked like he could make it about 8 more minutes before he started huffing the show polish. I felt bad for this dude, he kept scratching his neck, and looked to be having a rough go of things while trying to explain the form I had to fill out. He had just managed to get me the proper size shoe (on just his third try!) and we were getting ready for me to get measured, when creepy gay dude approached, and asked if he could trade him jobs. I laughed out loud, thinking he was joking, as nobody or so I thought is that forward, or obvious, or unprofessional about their sexual harrasment. he was not, and our cokehead friend was more than happy at the chance to not have to do anything. The creepy gay dude, pretty much hit on me the entire time, and that doesn’t even include his measuring. I’ve been fitted for suits, and tuxedo’s many times, it should never take as long, nor be as in depth as this was. I would like to think i am going to have the best fitting tuxedo ever, but I know better. This was one thing, and one thing only. Sexual assault. Short of cupping my balls, and slipping something in my drink, this dude pretty much had his way with me. I feel so dirty, so violated. I mean the attention is great, who wouldn’t want to get felt up by a creepy, pasty white gay dude? It’s just, I always pictured my first time getting sexually assaulted to be so much more, so magical. What a let down this was.
Why is it, no matter how sloppy I dress, how fat I get, I still get hit one by a gay dude in a retail setting at least once every two weeks? I’ve had to switch places where I get my coffee in the morning at least twice just for this very reason. What is it about me, that drives gay dudes so wild? It’s not the super fun gay dudes you see on t.v. either, it’s the dungeons and dragons version of gay dudes. I get their phone numbers on my receipts, I get their business cards for no apparent reason, and now, I’ve gotten my crotch explored by one.
it’s become crystal clear to me, that I am some kind of gay heart throb or something. What Kurt Cameron was once to teen girls, I am to gay dudes in their 30’s. it’s abig responsibillity, I’m not sure I can handle it.
In the mean time, one thing is certain. Sexual assault, is no laughing matter.