Turning the corner

Well any hopes of squeaking by and not catching whatever caused the great puke scandal in our house over the weekend just went down the drain. Literally. The good news is, I feel like a champ now. Maybe it was just my body’s way of demonstrating how well the Washington Capitals defense is playing tonight. Glad I got all excited about that game 7. Oh well the real NHL finals will be tomorrow in Detroit, hopefully I can get through that one without self induced vomiting.
The thing about yakking your guts out, is it is the greatest forecaster of how the rest of your day is going to go. In the moments after you puke, your body starts a recovery process, that is the perfect indication of whether you or out of the woods, or totally gonna have the worst day ever. You either feel like finding the fastest way to kill yourself, to avoid more suffering, or you feel like a champ. In my case, I felt horrible, cold sweats, dizziness, sore joints, and no appetite, to go along with some major nausea. I took matters into my own hands. First, I tried a shower, which was little help, so I had to go all out. After re-discovering just how far I can shove fingers down my throat before the flood gates open, I gotta say, I felt amazing. In about 3 minutes time, I went from deaths door, to really wanting to make pancakes, and even had a beer. I’m lucky really, it could have gone the other way. Sometimes once you start puking, you can’t stop, until you are just a dried up turd, hoping a stroke will save you from this hell. Drink a pretty heavy amount of Gin sometime, you’ll see what I mean. I learned my lesson this time, (don’t eat fruit) and kinda got off easy. All is well. In fact, I’m having one hell of a hot streak. In the past 5 days, I have been blessed with no small number of miracles. First, this weekend I woke up, made some coffee, grabbed the paper only to see some people I know made the front page, and have been indicted in federal court. These particular people, could not deserve a better fate. One a Realtor who thinks she is the smartest, sexiest, and most powerful 65 year old woman this side of the neighbor chick from Alf, is going down for major fraud charges, and is facing some hardcore time in the big house. On more than one occasion, I have had to deal with this woman, and every night thereafter I prayed she would contract a fatal STD, or have a meteor hit her in the face. My prayers didn’t get answered completely, but I’ll take it. The other fella, her partner in crime, along with a few of his lackeys, has pretty well ensured he’s never gonna see the light of day again. This person and I also have had a few run-ins at work, and like his counterpart, I too prayed on multiple occasions that he would get what was coming to him, and again, my prayers seem to have been answered. Any doubt about a higher power has to be gone now, and I’m starting to think I may have magical powers. Two people, who were assholes to me, that I hated dealing with, are going to rot away in prison, and doing it in a pretty highly publicized fashion. Thank you God, life is wonderful again.
I can’t help but wonder whom else who has crossed me in the past is going to get what is coming to them. Roberto Alomar, who used to be my favorite non-Red, until he was a dick to me and my brother might have really advanced AIDs, now these two buttholes make the front page of the weekend paper, and have all thier business indiscretions revealed to the general public. I buy a Chevy, it gives me nothing but problems, and has been a money pit, and now GM is in the shitter. Do I have a secret pipeline to the all mighty? Are my enemies being smited? I really hope so, and if I were Tim Tebow, I’d watch my back, and the rest of you bastards had better watch it as well. if anyone would like to avoid a similar fate, and stay on my good side, I like beer, chicken wings, and money.
God speed everyone!