How to stop pirates

It’s sad that it’s gone this far. Sad that pirates continue to have a presence on the high sea’s, namely in the waters off of Africa. Sad, that I have to be the one to come up with a solution. Perhaps the saddest part, is that the solution is so simple.
Not that i want to stop pirates, but I feel that’s the way the rest of the world is feeling. Personally, I like pirates. I think they get a bad rap. If it wasn’t for pirates, we wouldn’t have Captain Morgan spiced rum. If it wasn’t for pirates, none of us would even know who Andy Van Slyke is. Pirates are sweet. Though they aren’t as awesome as they used to be, and they kinda suck at baseball, they are still fun and exciting. Without pirates, Johnny Depp would still be known as Edward Scissorhands. I mean think about it. Those pirates that kidnapped that American captain, were just trying to live up to their name. Disney never made a huge movie trilogy called Sailors delivering aid supplies of the Caribbean. Sure, these pirates weren’t as awesome as Johnny Depp, and didn’t even have a real boat, but they were just trying to do there best.
The very fact that pirates continue to do harm amazes me. Has anyone ever seen pics of these guys? None of them even have parrots, or peg legs. Stopping them is so simple. Just take a bunch of old navy seals, former marines, and navy dudes, who aren’t developing ways to perfect the push-up, or just have nothing better to do. Put them all on a big boat, give them a bunch of beer, Copenhagen, and some awesome guns, and send them to Africa. Once they are in what is known as “pirate waters” have them send out a distress call. I figure if they say something like, “Oh no, we’re carrying all this gold, and 1990’s American technology, and we’ve run out of gas. Then, just wait. Telling the pirates you have a huge supply of old Walkman’s, and 1990’s themed t-shirts, they’ll all show up, and when they do, let the crazy ex-navy seal guys go to town. I figure we’ll be pirate free in about 9 minutes. From what I have seen on t.v of the pirates, and from what I learned about Somalians from the movie ‘Blackhawk Down’ pirates love old Adidas shirts, and walkman’s with NWA music, or Ice-T. If they think there is a boat full of money, and walkman’s just floating out there, they’ll think it’s the biggest payday of all time. I also figure that once we have a pirate free period, some real pirates will step up, and make their pirate ancestors proud. Orlando Bloom’s career is pretty much over, maybe he can do it. We need pirates who at least have cannons. In the old days, the pirates were the ones with the awesome boats. Nobody messed with them. Now, these turds are using inflatable boats, and life rafts? Cuban refugees have better boats than them. As soon as we start getting better Pirates, we can work our way up the bottom of the baseball standings, and help out the Ohio teams, namely my Reds. If that doesn’t work, we can assemble all the “naughty” Bengals players, and they can be pirates on the Ohio river. Then we’ll show the world what real pirates are supposed to look like. I just hope Cedric Benson took some of the money from his new deal, and bought a bigger boat.

Surprise!

Thanks to everyone who helped ring in my 30th this past weekend. It was good to see all of you who made it, and for those of you who didn’t, you are all dead to me. Though it is nice to see that people care about you enough to go out of their way to surprise you, and to throw you a party, I do have to say. All that treachery was a little disturbing. I pretty much knew something was in the works. I could smell the deceit. It’s got me thinking. If people can sneak around behind my back, and throw a keg party, what else can they be doing that I don’t know about? It’s become pretty obvious that i have gotten a little too comfortable in my life, and need to keep my guard up. So for all of you involved in this plot, I’ll be watching you from here on out. I was getting a little worried there for a minute or two. I don’t really need a party, but it was my 30th birthday, and nobody seemed to even want to mention it. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to kill everyone. I’m glad I won’t be killing some of you. Seriously though, thanks again everyone.
I do have to say. I had no idea this would be the birthday where I finally get that one gift I’ve always wanted. Ecuadorian pornography.
The party wasn’t the only surprise this weekend. Earlier in the week the Jakcets had locked up a p[layoff spot, for the first time ever. The gift that keeps on giving. All they had to do was hold the status quo, and they had the 6th seed locked up, and a matchup against the Calgary flames, a team who’s skin the Jackets had been under all season long. Then, my Jackets decided that right before the playoff’s, it was time to start sucking again. Now, we get to face the defending champs, the Detroit Red Wings. A division foe, whom we have already pissed off this season. The wings, have a ton of experience, and could make our little playoff run a very short lived one. Oh well, I’ll take what i can get.
I also was surprised to see that not only are my Reds just not very good this year, but they kinda suck. Badly. Not that big of a surprise, but an unwelcome one to say the least.
The biggest surprise of the weekend, cam elate sunday night. My son went from tired, and cranky, to full out, pissed off and sick. A little thing called the croup paid us a visit, and life was not that fun. The poor guy sounded like a barking seal, and was pretty upset about not being able to breath very well. This meant not much sleep at our house, and some worried parents, but also a monday off to do important things like watch the History Channel all day, and eat leftovers. I’ve seen other kids with horrible coughs, and heard about the croup, but seeing your kid get it is scary shit. Lucky enough, he went from croup sick, to full on fever, and diarrhea sick, so we stayed pretty busy all day. Hopefully, he’s turning the corner, and can go to daycare tomorrow. That little red Netflix envelope never came today, meaning if I have to take another day off tomorrow, I’ll either be bored out of my mind, or have to bust out the new Margaritaville machine tomorrow. I need to catch up on a lot of work, so as fun as the daylong frozen drink binge sounds, it could be bad news in the long run. Just in case, if anyone is bored and want to try out some new recipes for booze and ice, give me a shout. I also know where a half full keg of Yeungling is illegally parked. It wasn’t that long ago that we would have emptied that keg in a matter of hours. We are all officially old.

A Bastard looks at 30

So here we are, the dying moments of my twenties. Where did the time go? Where did I go wrong? This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to me at least. 30? Are you kidding me? How could I have let this happen? I was supposed to stay Twenty-something forever, and now look at me. What a sad state of affairs this is.
As I look back, I gotta say. What a ride it’s been. I’ve had a pretty damned good life, I gotta admit.
The first 29 plus years have been all I could ever hope for. I’ve been so many places, seen so many things. To try and sum it all up would be impossible, but I’ll give it a shot.
I’ve learned some pretty important lessons in my days. I’ve learned that when someone says “stop talking, it’s for your own good” they are almost always right. I’ve learned that bears love backpacks full of pornography, and Canadian strippers love American currency. I’ve learned to look both ways before crossing the street, or lighting something on fire. I’ve learned that nacho dip does need refrigerated between uses, no matter how hot you heat it back up to. I’ve learned that when something is “all you can eat” you really shouldn’t eat that much. I’ve learned that after midnight can be either the greatest, or the worst time of the day, depending on how old you are. I’ve learned that I can’t drink gin, and I can’t eat really spicy food anymore. I’ve learned that any wound can be sterilized by dumping beer on it. I’ve learned that if you slice off part of a finger, duct tape, and an old sock is all you need to re-attach it. The lessons I’ve learned in 30 short years, are more than most people learn in a lifetime.
I’ve been fortunate enough to live during a magical period of history. I’ve seen the world change in ways nobody could imagine. My lifetime has seen some major steps forward, like Aluminum beer bottles, and HD t.v. We live in a wonderful world, and I’m glad to be a part of it.
I’ve gone a long way in my days. I’ve accomplished quite a bit really. I’ve been to about a dozen different Applebee’s, I’ve visited strip clubs in 3 different countries. I’ve been all over this great land, and seen some amazing things. I was there for some of the moments that will be considered amongst the greatest in history. The reds winning it all in 1990, the Buckeyes winning it all in ‘02, and the birth of the morning after pill, and viagra, just to name a few.
Still, I can’t help but struggle with this whole 30 thing. I know, it’s just a number, and you’re only as young as you feel. Some days, I feel, and act like I’m 12, others, like I’m an 83 year old with the clap. Almost all of my friends have gone through this before me. I’ve seen them go into 30, and come out o.k. but to be honest, most of their life’s sucked pretty bad to begin with. (you know who you are) I guess there’s really only one way to avoid turning 30 and, that’s not much of an alternative. So here I sit, waiting to be officially old. Sitting here seeing my twenties, one of the 3 best decades of my life disappear. When I wake up, I’ll be 30. Old, and 30.
Thursday, the world will move on. It will likely suck really really bad, but it will still go on. Thursday evening, I’ll pick my son up from daycare, give him a big hug, go home and meet up with my wife. Hopefully, I’ll be celebrating a Reds victory, and the Blue Jackets clinching a playoff birth. From there, we’ll either head down to German Village, hit my favorite German eatery, drink German beer, eat some brats, listen to some rockin accordion polka music, and have a good time. Or, I might just sit in my basement, watch baseball, drink myself into a coma, and cry my eyes out. Hell, I may even be able to do all that at once.
I have to wonder, how old do I have to be before I can start wearing shoes that fasten with Velcro again? How old before I can get away with urinating myself, and not get made fun of for it?
I’ll get through this, I know I will. I have so much to be proud of. I have a beautiful wife, the most amazing little son in the world, a retarded dog, and a brand new baseball season. Spring is in the air, and Hockey playoff’s are right around the corner, and my team is almost there. The ride that has been my life, has been second to none. I’ve done so much in the last 29 years. I’ve never worn a visor, I’ve never set foot in Nebraska, and I’ve won both a pie, and chicken wing eating contest, both by a wide margin. I’ve seen two hot women kiss in real life, I’ve seen nature at it’s finest, and one time I threw up while taking a leak at the same time, and never got a drop of either on me. I’ve had dinner with a Playboy playmate (my wife was there, and she was hotter than the Playmate, but it counts) I’ve been to a wide variety of both professional, and college sports venues, I’ve gotten drunk at many, and kicked out of some. I’ve seen Cleveland teams choke in every way possible, right before they achieve the ultimate glory. Thank you Ernest Byner, thank you so much. I’ve hung out with the greatest athlete of all time, Rob Dibble, and given him cigarrettes. I’ve been to an OAR concert, where the entire group I was with was kicked out, all for different actions (I bought beer for minors) I’ve managed to avoid getting any STD’s, and rarely have I been arrested for anything. I’ve convinced people on multiple occasions, that I was from another country, using a strange accent. I’ve pooped in a swimming pool, and a hot tub, both on purpose. I’ve driven a Korean illegal immigrant to the hospital. I’ve seen a stripper pass out, and I’ve seen chicks beat up a bouncer. It’s been a pretty sweet life.
Still, there is so much I’d like to do, so much more to see. I’ve still never seen an Eskimo naked. I’ve never hunted man, or even stabbed anyone for that matter. I still would like to punch a clown, or a mascot of some type be it sports, or national restaurant chain. I’d like to see the Bengals not suck, or even win a playoff game again. I’d like to go to Europe, and Africa, and maybe hit a strip club while I’m there. I want to make enough money to buy a Super Bowl commercial, where I make fun of my best friend for 30 seconds. I want to go to Ireland, and out drink an Irishman, then call him lazy. I want to visit Germany, sit in a a crowded room and read aloud from the Diary of Anne Frank, and wait for a reaction. There’s gonna be a new Montgomery Inn opening in Columbus, so I want to eat a lot more ribs. I have so much to live for. I want to teach my son how to throw both a curve ball, and a bean-ball. I want to see him get married (hopefully to a hot chick) and then give him a high five. I want to eat an endangered animal of some sort. I want to drink a really expensive scotch, and not pay for it. I want to drive a super expensive sports car, and get a ticket in it. I’d like to frame someone for something, or maybe be a super over the top witness in a huge trial. I’d like to be interviewed on a local news channel describing what either a tornado, or an explosion sounded like, using a southern accent. I’d like to meet a Cuban. I want to go to a Superbowl. I want to crash a boat, and then flee the scene. I want to pick up a hitchhiker, and then scare him or her into  jumping out of the vehicle while it’s still moving. I’d like to punch a famous person, and kick a Mormon in the nuts.
Maybe someday. There’s still time. I’m still kinda young. 30 is the new 28 after all. I’ve got a ton of friends, a great family, and a beautiful wife and son. I’ve got a sweet beer gut that says I’m sophisticated, yet awesome. I make a good living, and I have a head full of hockey playoff Afro hair. Really, when you think about it, my life is like an awesome country music song. I have a house, a truck, a wife and kid, and a full bar in my basement.
So maybe I don’t need to cry my eyes out. maybe life will go on. Maybe 30 is just a number. Only time will tell. I’ll just keep on truckin. Sure, I’ll take a few days to collect my self, and then I’ll move on. I’ll drink some beer, do some fishing, and just keep living my life. Besides I’ve only got 10 years to do all that stuff I wanted to do before I turn 40. There’s a new Transformers movie coming out soon. A new season of Rescue Me is out, my bar is fully stocked and all that beer isn’t going to drink itself.
So here I am world. My name is Chris, and I am 30.

So now what?

On the way home from the Reds game yesterday, I was running low on energy. I debated loading up on caffeine, so I could stay up in case last nights NCAA championship was a good game. However, something told me to plan on an early exit. I guess it was the fact that I had seen this game once before, and was dissapointed with the first round, and skeptical about the rematch. That was actually a good game at the start, when they did that jump ball, and both teams got it, and they had to do it over. It pretty much blew from that point on. So my initial instinct was right all along. The MSU team that lost to Ohio State, reared it’s ugly head last night, on the biggest stage. Well done spartans, sorry if it was my support that killed you. Personally, I think the fact that you weren’t all that good at basketball was the real problem.
The problem I have with this whole deal, was the hype about how the Spartans were representing their whole state, and giving them hope during troubled times. Lets not do that people, let the game be a game. So now what? What happens to all the auto workers now? What about all those people whose hopes and dreams were riding on the Spartans? Well done media. Way to find a way to single out a group of people who were having a rough go of it, give them a little glimmer of hope, and then…Wham! Kick them in the nuts one more time for good measure. Well done.
Next time, lets just leave the economy, the out of work workers, and everyone else out of it. I mean, they were pinning all their hopes on a college basketball team with a Lima Senior kid, not named Greg Simpson.

This is not the year

Well, that didn’t take long.

It was a great opening day. I had a good time. Didn’t drink enough beers to get the Reds a victory, and froze my ass off, but it was a good opening day. The only thing missing was the win. However, I do admit, I jumped the gun on the whole “this is our year thing”.

Despite the rain/snow/sleet, and little or no time to warm up, and the cold weather, my Reds played well. Sort of. The “improved” defense had some lapses, the base running was ba-ba-ba-baaaaad, and the bats were silent. I kind of figured we had the 6th, and 7th innings to get our runs, if we didn’t get on Santana early, which we did not. When he’s on, which he was, and they have Putz, and K-Rod in the pen, they will be tough to beat. The pitching, minus the whole Danny Ray fiasco was as good as anyone could ask for. Harang is back baby!

But I do have to say, this is not our year. Maybe it was the fact that when the useless turd we had slated to start Center was shelved with the flue, we had to replace him with some dude nobody has ever heard of. Remember when we had that “surplus” of outfielders? Maybe it was the fact that our first pinch hitter, our only right handed pinch hitter, is also our fifth starting pitcher. Two years ago, our first pinch hitter off the bench was Josh Hamilton. Remember Josh Hamilton? The natural? The dude who lit up the home run derby, and is a top contender for MVP? Yeah, he’s gone, and our big bat off the bench is a starting pitcher. Do we get to use a ghost runner on the days he actually starts? How the hell does a team not have ONE pinch hitter, ONE right handed hitter to come off the bench on the first damned game of the year? It’s not like it’s after a long road trip, and injuries, and extra-inning games can screw up a lineup. It’s opening freaking day. I could see if our lineup was sooooo stacked, that we used our entire budget on big bats, and ran out of money to spend on back-ups, but come on. How many other teams go right to a starting pitcher for their Ace in the hole? Yeah there are pitchers who can fill in from time to time, but come on, opening freaking day? The very first one, in a 1 run game? Come on guys. I also found some concerns with the fact that we will be counting on a lot of “If’s” in our lineup as far as hits go. I’m cool with that, develop the young guys, make replacements as needed, and never say the words Adam or Dunn. We’ll get by. My concern, is that once you get past Jay Bruce, we pretty much have 4 pitchers at the bottom of our lineup. Unless all those turds have career years, which would still only be about .280, we’ll be counting on Votto, Bruce, Phillips, and whatever we can get from the other two outfield spots. Oh, and Micha Owings on the days he pitches. Don’t want to forget that.

I do find hope in our pitching. Top to bottom, it’s hard to beat. Worst case scenario, we have two promising youngsters in Louisville. The bullpen looked great, except for Danny Ray. The pitching was sharp, and should be sharp this season. We finally have that fixed. Should we go out and sell whatever we can for Jake Peavy? Of course, before the Cubs do at least.
I also found hope in the new scoreboard. SaWeet! HD, and Huge, it had me right from the start. It was so clear, so sharp, so crisp. On the replay’s, it was like I was watching those balls drop between 3 Reds players, live, and in person, which I did, and it was painfull. They also have in-game scoring at the base of the wall now. It’s not just the names of the team, the inning, and the score anymore, Oh no. It shows whose at bat, who’s pitching, the outs, the score, and the runners on base. I saw a little green dot representing Josh Hamilton send the Indians Cliff lee back to reality. It was glorious. They can do this for up to six games at a time. If they install seats that flush, I’ll never have to leave. Besides, that old scoreboard was soooo 2003.
They also now offer $5.00 beers. They are smaller, and draft, but it is nice to be able to buy more than two beers with a twenty.
No more Pepsi stacks either. They still have the stacks, but with Griffey gone, so goes the contract with Pepsi, and Coke is back in Reds baseball, which I don’t agree with.
So on a whole, I give the 2009 Reds, my full endorsement. No aging Griffey, no worthless Dunn, is a huge upgrade. Despite questionable new policies regarding nacho cheese, I feel like the Reds as a whole will be greatly improved. Now, if we can just get Billy Hatcher to pinch hit, we’ll be all set.

This is the Year!

It’s that time of year once again folks. The clouds part, the sun comes out, the grass turns green again, and then people start playing baseball on that grass. Okay, if you’re like me and are going to opening day in Cincinnati, the clouds will definitely not be parting. In fact, I’m already working on my fall-back plan, incase opening day gets pushed back due to little things like pouring rain, wind, and snow.
Despite mother nature fighting it tooth and nail in parts of the midwest, baseball is most definitely back, and I can’t get any more excited.
Another year of Reds baseball is upon us, and like most ever other year of late, the Reds get to go against a CY young favorite on opening day, when they take on the Mets, and Johan Santana. I’m not worried. I know that when the weather is shitty on opening day, so are the reds, and the forecast is not good. I still have faith. I know I say it every year, but this my friends, is the year. No, not the year we win it all, or make a serious playoff run, I’m not that desperate yet. This is the year we don’t completely suck. I think we have a .500 squad or better this year, and that would mean a whole lot. Maybe not the playoff’s, but I’m holding out hope.
The Brewers will surely be worse than they were last year, the Astro’s are getting old, the cardinals deal with Satan will surely expire sooner or later, and how many years in a row can the Cubs be good anyway? Chicago is the favorite to win the NL central, I’m not disputing that. But, really, are you certain injuries aren’t gonna catch up to them this season? Ryan Dempster will have to become the real Ryan Dempster sooner or later, and their bullpen kinda blows. It’s gonna be the perfect storm, and the Cincinnati Reds will be there take advantage of all of it.
We’ve got speed, we’ve got defense, we have solid pitching. this is the year! The big prize every team was looking for in free agency this past offseason, was 39 year old relievers, and the reds picked up the best one available, by far. Arthur Rhodes, the Cincinnati savior, will be enough to cancel out the fact that we have no .300 hitter, no real power, several pitching questions, a horrible left side of the infield, and David Weathers. Arthur Rhodes, along with no Adam Dunn, will lead us to glory. Mark my word.
Just to be safe, I’m keeping the Blue Jackets playoff afro, which seems to have lost it’s mojo, until the reds are safely in first place. Sticking it to the ever-dissapointing mets, in a snow storm will be the perfect way to start off a dream season.
If nothing else, football is just 5 months away, and the Big ten should blow again this year, meaning another BCS bowl for my Buckeyes!

Woohoo, go baseball, and go Reds!

I told you so

Remember when I said, that the Big Ten, was by far the best conference as far as basketball goes? Remember when I tried to tell everyone, pick as many Big Ten teams in your bracket as you can? Remember when I said the tournament committee should let in as many Big Ten teams as they can? I said it all along. I called it. Nobody has been as high on Big Ten basketball as I have, all season long. Look it up.
Okay, don’t look it up, I’ll say it. I was wrong. My bad. Congrats Michigan State. You’ve completely outdone yourselves, and in the process, killed my bracket. Well done you bastards. In honor of your achievements, and to make it up to you guys for picking against you, I’m rooting for you from here on out. Your Welcome Carolina or ‘Nova (even though we all know the answer to that one). I do pray, that Carolina loses. We’ve already seen that game. I know Izzo is money in the tourney, but come on, remember when those teams played earlier?
Watching this game I gotta say, two things really pissed me off.
1st. How the hell did I miss that Tom Izzo is undefeated against Big East teams in the NCAA tourney? Why is this not official record, and well publicized like on our currency or something? Had I known that, it would have changed everything. MSU getting points, against Louisville, and then UCONN in Michigan…Come on, it was tempting to take them to beat the spread, but had I known about izzo’s “el perfecto” against the vastly over-rated Big East, I could be making calls to collect my money, or going double down on Carolina to win huge right now. I should have seen this coming. In the world of sports gambling, this is a major sin. I admit, I made the biggest mistake one who bets with money can make. i let my emotions get the best of me. Even though it was the Big Ten tourney, and MSU had no reason to show up, when they lost to Ohio State, I wrote them off completely. Throw in the one Northwestern game, and I was certain they were toast. It’s the same logic I used when I took Arizona, and the points, when they played the Eagles in the NFC championship game. the eagles had tied the Bengals. Simple as that. No team that loses to, or ties the Bengals has any right playing in the Super bowl, and I thought the same thing applied to any team who lost to this years OSU squad. Throw in Penn State winning the NIT, and my whole world as far as college basketball gambling goes, is in flux.
The other thing about this game that pissed me off, and it may be the biggest sin of the whole tourney. When the UCONN player was fouled by, and then kinda shoved Lima Senior alum, and MSU guard travis Walton, why did the ref prevent Walton from getting up and striking back? Did he not know he was from Lima? It would have been the best moment in NCAA tournament history. A players mother, and or step-uncle coming onto the court, and shooting a player on the opposing team. It was right there. You got to let the Lima kid fight back, it would have been awesome. Greg Simpson might have come out of the stands and stabbed someone, had a huge rumble broken out. Instead, all we got was free throws? Come on refs, you’re better than that. It could have been the greatest thing to happen to Lima OH since the Kewpee started offering bacon.
So we have MSU against an opponent yet to be determined. I gotta say the reason i went with UNC from the beginning, was when it all came down to it, I thought Roy Williams was bluffing. They were my pick to win it all from the beginning this year, and I didn’t buy the “seriousness” of Ty Lawson’s injury for a minute. Roy Williams, has a serious tell. The southern accent. It was all precautionary, and Williams’ press conference gave it away. When it’s not in a stressfull moment, such as after a game, or during halftime, the Roy Williams interview tells it all. When he uses a light southern accent, to talk about game planning, or the health of one of his players, he is definitely concerned. When he sounds like a mix between Foghorn leghorn, and Roscoe P. Coltrain, he’s talking out of his ass, and is feeling good. Watch him going into halftime. If they are up double digits, he using the southern accent to talk to the chick reporter on the way to the locker room. If it’s tight, or they are trailing, you’d think he was from the midwest. The press conference about Lawsons foot, and him being out of game shape, was pure gamesmanship, if you can call it that. It might as well have been delivered by Colonel Sanders. It was reverse when he was at Kansas. He would revert to the “serious” southern accent, when things got tense, otherwise, he was as cool as Billy D Williams in front of the ladies. So there it is, that’s why I picked Carolina to win it all, when a lot of folks got scared into picking UCONN, or PITT, or Louisville. If only Izzo was that easy to read, I’d be money right now.

….And Stop!

I admit, whenever I see a mock NFl draft, I have to click on it. Just to dream. Just to see which player, some random guy says my Bengals are going to draft. It doesn’t matter how professional the site is, or if it’s just some guy, I gotta check it out. As a life long Bengals fan, it’s pretty much the best part of the year. You can’t loose. Even the true all-time turds, sound great before they actually get drafted. Maybe not David klingler, but when you see Akilli Smith, you think, yeah, he could be awesome. Then when he actually gets drafted, you get the chills, and an unexplainable 3 day bout with diarrhea. It’s like a fantasy world. Seeing your team up there on a mock draft board, is one of the greatest joys for fans of sports shittier teams. Any player, no matter what position, sounds good. they got to be able to help a little bit, right?
So even though it goes against my better judgement, I get especially excited at the prospect of my team drafting either a “big name” college talent, or an offensive skill position player. When they get combined, into one glorious imaginary draft pick, I get a little aroused, i do admit. Now I know, that my Bengals really need to draft a lineman, mainly a tackle. I also know, that they could really stand to draft an entire new line all together, but the odds of them getting it right on one pick is a long shot, and on all five, it’s mathematically impossible. I don’t care about what they “need’ they won 4 games last year, they need everything. It’s like a burn victim picking out one or two things at the clinique counter at the mall, every little bit helps, but come on.
So lately, I have seen one name come up on a few, actually professional mock draft sites. Michael Crabtree. This might actually be better than Beanie Wells. The guy is awesome. When I see someone has him getting drafted by the Bengals, I pretty much lose the abillity to focus for about 3 days. the mere prospect of getting Michael Crabtree, has me back on top of the world. I know it will never happen, and I know they will be fools if they draft a receiver, but they are fools, I can hope can’t I. I’ve even seen jeremy Maclin on another site. I’ll take it. This could be the second coming of Peter Warrick. A bad pick, but one that takes a few years for everyone to realize it, and by tht time, the Bengals will be so shitty, that he’d be one of their best players anyway.
Oh, how these mock drafts tease me. No more, I’ll take one of the receivers, and quit now.
I also can’t help but wonder why everyday life doesn’t have a mock draft. If you know you’re going out to eat, imagine being able to go on line, and see what Mel Kiper Jr is predicting you will order for dinner. It could be pretty fun, and would work in a lot of situations. In the bedroom, traffic on the way to work, etc. etc. The possibilities are endless.

Trouble in paradise

As my son grows older, our lives change, on an almost daily basis. It seems like just about the time he finds something that can capture his attention, or help us ditsract him, he loses interest, and we need to come up with new tricks. Each day, he gets a little bigger, a little faster, and a little smarter. We have to try an dstay one step ahead of him. He however, usually manages to be one step ahead of us.
I knew my language was going to be a problem at some point. I knew I’d have to re-train myself, so i don’t blurt out words that shouldn’t be coming out of a one year olds mouth. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. Most of what he say’s, is what we call Dylanese. It’s his own language, and we adapt to it, we even recognize some of the gibberish for what it actually is supposed to be. he does have “real” words he uses daily. The staples like DaDa, and MaMa, and doggie, are easy to pick up. Add in words like Mow (more) Bah (ball) and my personal fave, Titty (kitty), and he and I can communicate better than I do with most adults. Throw in the sign language he learns at daycare (which they never really taught me) and we get through life without a hitch. The new problem, is that he seems to be able to repeat entire sentences at random. Being that my my response to most any situation, is a rant of profanity that would make George carlin proud, this can be trouble, and already has. The other day, for whatever reason, I said the phrase “Ho for Show” and of course, out of the blue, a cut little boy who wa quietly flipping the pages of an elmo pop-up book said aloud, in startling clear words, “Hofosho”. The look my wife gave me, wasn’t exactly the same look she gave me when I proposed to her, to say the least. My bad. There was a second or two where reality hit me, that he really will repeat what I say, and then I of course laughed, because he is a cute kid, and when he says “Ho  Fo Show”, it actually is pretty hilarious. I just hope he learns the right time to use it. I can only imagine the reaction he’s gonna get in public when he uses his new phrase. My wife is slightly less excited about this than I am. Oh well, I screwed up, we can move on. My problem, is that I waited too long to self-edit, it’s ingrained in who I am. I’ve moved well past just blurting out curse words, I’ve even made up new ones. When I get mad, I don’t get violent, or throw tantrums, I use words. I use them in no particular order. I’ve called men cunts, and women assholes. I really don’t have set standards for whom gets called what, I just do it. When I’m at home, it’s all good, I’m in my comfort zone, and it’s PG around the boy. The problem, is traffic. Ohio has the worst drivers on the planet. It rains, they wreck. It’s sunny, they wreck. It snows, god have mercy on us all. I also have issues with stupid people, and for whatever reason, every legitimately stupid person in Ohio, has a drivers license, and uses it to their full advantage. This has me worried. What if I break into an anger fueled swearing rage, and I have my son with me. I try not to, but it’s kind of become a part of me, like an automatic response. When someone in a car does something stupid that effects me, I’m like Pavlov’s dog, but with F-words instead of drooling. Can I turn the radio up real loud? Should I drink tea, and do yoga? Should I give myself a lobotomy, so I’m at the same level of the stupid people, and won’t get upset by them? I might need some help on this one folks.

Yesterday morning, we had no vehicle drama, but I was still running late. My wife had gone in early, so the D-man and I were fending for ourselves. No matter how much preparation you do the night before, getting a one year old up, fed, dressed, and ready for daycare is a hectic mess. Things are forgotten. Socks are thrown, put back on, and then thrown again. Fruit is smeared over both of us. It really is a sight to behold. We do however, manage to get it done, and have a good time doing it. I was all ready to go. My coffee, and his daycare bag were packed, and loaded. We both had our jackets on, I had him in one arm, and my keys in the other, ready to lock up, and roll out. Then I went to grab my cell phone. Where the hell was it? All the usual places, I checked twice, and even the spots where it somehow seems to end up. It was nowhere, since I had checked everywhere 3 times. A few years back, we had decided to abandon the “home” phone, or landline, as we would get about 4 calls a month on it. 3 from telemarketers, and on from a mother-in-law. Getting rid of the home phone, had gotten rid of the telemarketers at least. Having no home phone, meant there was no way for me to call it, and then track down the noise from it ringing. Plus, it was on vibrate, so it could be ringing, and I might not even hear it. I need my phone, no questions asked. When someone calls in sick, or dead, they call that phone. If any news goes down at work, good, or bad, it goes through that phone. The fact that it had not rang yet, was purely a miracle, or a curse, depending on how you looked at it. By this time, I was really late, but didn’t care, I just needed to find my phone. Then, from over in the corner where my sons toys all end up (which I had checked twice) I heard this god awful rumbling. It was my phone! A miracle, someone had called while I was in that room, but where was it. I followed the noise, until I had finally tracked it down. My son has this little “walker” cart thing. he pulls himself up, and pushes it around, usually at high speeds while screaming for joy. It’s supposed to be like a mail cart. There is a little slot for him to stick little plastic envelopes into, he loves the thing, and somehow, had managed to get my cell phone into it. Looking at the size of the slot, and the size of my cell phone, it was a miracle of physics really, just to get it into there. I gotta say, as pissed off as I was about being late, I was pretty impressed. I’d love to be able to shove my phone back into that little slot, and forget it ever existed, but such is life. I guess it’s time to add, keeping cell phones out of his reach to the things I need to start changing. I did manage to go through that entire episode with the bare minimum of cuss words, as far as a.m. cussing standards go. Hat’s off to me.