Have you seen my cell phone?

O.k., my cell phone, seems to be no more. I remember it existing, I use it every day, many times until the battery goes dead. I did at one point have a cell phone, I know that much. I even remember the last call I received on it. It was for work, really early in the morning, and I answered it against my better judgement. It was last seen in the hands of a one year old boy, who was crawling away with it at high speeds. This combination has caused problems in the past. Recently, after looking everywhere for my phone, I found it stuffed inside my sons walker toy. I thought I had learned my lesson, but when my son sees me talking on it, he wants to play with it too, and I am a softy. Plus, the cell phone makes a great baby sitter, for up to 5 minutes. Another downfall to this combination, is that my son has started experimenting with opening the drawer to the trash can in our kitchen, and throwing stuff in it, and laughing. So yeah, it’s my fault, but my phone is a goner.
I’ve looked everywhere inside this house, at least 3 times, and I mean everywhere. I basically missed a half day of work searching my entire house, including the areas it could never possibly be, such as inside jars, and the tank of the toilet. Somehow, some way, my phone stopped existing. After checking, double checking, and then triple checking every spot inside my house, my vehicle, and the path from house to vehicle, I gave up. There could only be three spots my phone found it’s way into. The kitchen trash can, which I kinda checked, but it was nasty, and if it did end up there, it’s dead to me now anyway. The other options are terrorists broke in and stole it while I was in the shower, or it’s inside of a very large, smelly, asshole of a dog. If anyone wants to sift through dog droppings for my phone, I’ll make them margarita’s and watch. In the mean time, I’ve decided to ground my son. He also decided to wake up an hour earlier than he does almost every other day, which was great since I was up past 1 a.m. doing paperwork. So yeah, he’s grounded now. He may not be old enough to know it, or know what a grounding is for that matter, but it makes me feel better.
The only bright spot, is I never got rid of my old phone, so I was able to get that re-activated, and am back in business. Sure, I might have missed a few calls, but who gives a shit? So if you have changed your cell phone number in the last year or so, please give me a call, so I can get your new number again. In the mean time, everyone keep there eyes open for a black and silver Motorola cell phone, that rings a lot.
This can’t be a good sign. I got that phone in between last Hockey season, and this season, and with my Jackets just one day away from their first ever playoff game, it can’t be a good sign. What if that phone was what turned this franchise around? What if this old phone dooms us? Does this cancel out my playoff afro? Just to be safe, I’ve decided to not shave until either all hope is lost, or we win it all. Sure I may not be able to grow an “actual” beard, but I can come on strong in a few areas. Maybe I can start a new fad with the long, multi colored patchy beard. That’ll look professional right? So if the Jackets can’t get it done, don’t blame the guy with the bare spots in his beard, and the really old cell phone. he’s doing the best he can.

On another note: Has anyone ever fertilized the crap out of their yard, decided to not mow it when it was borderline ready to mow, gone out of town for three days, only to have it rain for the next four days upon their return? If so, I could use some pointers on how to mow really tall, thick, wet grass. This could be a great time to open a petting zoo in the back yard.