Chris works at a restaurant!

This past weekend, I had a temporary career change. I worked in a major chain restaurant, for one glorious night. Sadly, my career in the restaurant business was short lived. So now I must move on, and find a new dream.
A friend of mine runs a restaurant. In order to not give away full details, and get anyone in trouble, I won’t say which restaurant it was, only that it rhymes with Dapplebees. I’ll let everyone try and guess which restaurant it actually was. Anywhoo, he had hired some company to come in, and paint a whole bunch of stuff, both in the ‘front” of the restaurant, as we in the food business call it (the area where customers are) and the back (the back). They were going to paint all kinds of stuff, and re-stain, a lot of the woodwork in the “front”, and do some minor work in the male, and female shitters. Obviously this work was to be done after hours, when there was no costumers. Unfortunately, he had contracted white people to do this work, and they no showed on him. As his deadline approached, he had nobody to do this work, and nobody wanted to go paint inside a restaurant at 3:00 a.m. on a saturday. Enter me.
I hesitated at first, knowing that as the father of an 11 month old, I need my sleep, and really didn’t want to do it. He kept raising the rates I would be paid, I kept resisting. then he said those magical word “you can drink beer while you work”.
So there I was, at 11:00 P.M. on a saturday, chugging coffee, waiting for customers to clear out, so i could get to work. After a few beers, and all the good basketball games ended, I was ready for action. I was going to start in the back, and paint a giant walk-in cooler. I could do this.
I grabbed a “work” beer, and got started. Apparently I had to “clean” the surface of the cooler, before I could pait it. This caused some serious fumes, as I was not only pretty liberal with the paint thinner, I was trying to convince the mexican cooks to huff it. I remembered that there were several open flames on the gas grills when i walked past. I began to wonder if a shitload of fumes was the best thing to have around open flames. I pressed on, and got the surface cleaned, and ready to paint. At this point, I realized that not only was I the only white guy in the kitchen area of this place, but that the cooks, and bus boys seemed to be plotting against me. The good news is, I was able to see the “guts” of the American restaurant business first hand. This also has lead me to the conclusion that I will never eat anywhere but my own house again. Restaurant are gross, really gross. The floor was greasy, it was very hot, the Mexicans were blaring crazy mexican music on their 20 year old boom box, and it smelled, and my fumes were not helping. I pressed on. So there I was, standing on a big step ladder, spilling paint on myself, sweating my ass off, trying not to slip off the ladder, as my feet were pretty well greased, listening to mexican pop music, being played by people who may or may not have been plotting against me, when i realized something. This was the best job ever.
I was expected to do little more than a half assed job, being paid straight cash, un-supervised, with access to all the beer I could drink, all kinds of greasy appetizers on demand from my new mexican friends (or amigos, as they liked to be called). The real kicker, was that I had free reign to use the little machine that squirts out nacho cheese. Has anyone ever filled a pint glass full of processed nacho cheese? It’s the most beautiful thing ever. I took breaks whenever I wanted, watched a lot of sportscenter. I painted in a kitchen, in an office, and even in a womens restroom. I tried to take a dump in the ladies room, but it just wasn’t happening. It could have been that gallon of nacho cheese I had chugged, who knows. On this night, I was living outside the box.
The reality came calling. My wife called at almost 3 in the morning (never great) to say that my son had woken up a few hours earlier, and wouldn’t go back to sleep. That day had been my early morning to get up with him, and she was going to have to be back up in a few hours to give him breakfast, and watch cartoons, so I had to come home. When I got home, the big man was for some reason, wired. This was alright, as I was still buzzing from all the coffee, and the thrill of trying to poop in a womens bathroom, so I was going to be up anyway. So we capped off the night with some crappy movies, infomercials, and stories about daddies dabble in the restaurant business. He finally went back to sleep around 4:30, and me shortly after.

The good news is, I got to install new lighting in our house, on just a few hours of sleep, and I had spilled paint all over a decent pair of pants. So the thrill of of free nachos was short lived. I did make some extra cash, had a few beers, helped somebody out, and learned a few things. Most noteably, restaurants, no matter how clean, in the front, are disgusting. No matter what type of food they are serving, it’s usually being prepared by Mexicans, listening to really crappy music.

We made it!

We’re in! We made the “Big Dance”! We’re in the tourney! We’re…totally fucked. Hooray! We got our name announced, and onto a meaningless bracket, where, if we win one game…………we get to play the number 1 seed in the entire tourney. http://www.cbssports.com/collegebasketball/mayhem/brackets/viewable_men 
Enjoy this moment Buckeye fans, pat yourself on the back, walk tall, and say “our season has been extended by one game”. I gotta say, this was the moment I wanted, the feeling of ecstasy, knowing my team made the NCAA tourney, where we can face off against our age old rival Siena. then, if we win, we get to see what it’s like to be completely over-matched by the highest rated team in all of college basketball, the Louisvulle Cardinals. Just think everyone, we may be able to experience an ass kicking in front of our home fans, on what is essentially a home court game, an ass kicking the likes of which we have not felt since, well 3 years ago when Georgetown mopped the floor’s of Dayton OH with Buckeye dreams. This is what it’s all about people.
I gotta say, this pisses me off. It was right there, the dream was still alive just days ago. All we had to do, was let Wisconsin kick the shit out of us, but noooooo, we had to go and make the Big Ten tourney finals, and now look what we got. We were supposed to take down VA Tech for back to back NIT titles, but we blew it. Now, instead of enjoying tournament magic, the way it’s supposed to be enjoyed, I’m gonna blow at least two more hours watching this years Buckeye squad. My apologies to the good games I’ll be missing to watch my boys, one, or two more times. Oh well, it’s not the worst thing to happen, but close. I’ve only had time to check out the bracket briefly, but here’s my take on all this.

1. If you didn’t make it, or think someone else should, just shut up. I’m putting the number of teams who actually have a shot at winning it this year, at 9, at the very most and, that’s it. So what if you got left out, you have no shot, and neither does the team that replaced you. This could be the worst batch of 3 and 4 seeds (Kansas, Washington, Gonzaga) in a long time. That being said, it might be the worst batch of teams in general in an even longer time. Louisvulle (yes, I now say “vulle”) is the #1 over-all team in the entire tourney, they get the winner of the play-in game, and they still kinda blow. Notre Dame destroyed this team. Notre Dame. Enough said about that.

2. This is your shot Carolina, lets see you guys blow it again this time. You officially have the top spot in the worst bracket in ages. You can go ahead and rest Ty Lawson one more week, he won’t be needed. That bracket is weak. Syracuse, played great in the conference tourney, but they almost always do that. I made a lot of cash off a #3 seed Syracuse a few years back, so I have a soft spot for them. Unfortunately, they also have a soft spot, right in the middle of their roster, and it’s called lack of talent. Gonzaga, blows. Oklahoma could be tough, but they are a one man team, and Carolina has the fouls to give Blake Griffin, and force the rest of the Sooners to beat them, which they can’t. I was leaning towards Carolina winning it all, but the Lawson thing scared me, then I saw this bracket. I’m taking the Tar Heels to win it all.

3. As bad as the south region is, the west might be that much worse, except for one big problem. Memphis. I have no idea how good this team actually is, and they scare me. I have Uconn vs. Memphis in the elite 8, and may flip a coin on that one, although right now I think I’m leaning towards memphis, simply because I like ribs better than cranberries or whatever they have in Connecticut.

4. The east could actually be the most competitive. It could be Pitt running away with it, but it could also be anyone’s to win. I think this bracket might actually have up to 4 teams who could win it, as opposed to al the others who have at most two.

5. My bracket is already screwed. There are a ton of bad Basketball teams this season, and somehow, most of them made this tourney. Theres a handfull of teams all at the top, and the rest is garbage, and that’s what scares me. Usually I can fly through my bracket, making easy picks, and have myself in a position to win the pool come the final four. This season, doubt has creaped into my brain. I don’t know what it is, but I’m scared. I have this horrible feeling that somehow a garbage team from the Big Ten (which is all of them) is going to jump up and bite me in the ass. Something about any time I guarantee something on here….. Then again, I may just pick all one’s beating all two’s, and feel pretty good about that.

6. My “Cinderellas” or “underdogs are, Michigan, if they just plan on passing it to Manny Harris every time, they have a shot. to win a couple, if they are hitting their shots. West Virginia, if they weren’t the typical Bob huggins band-o-retards, they’d be a #2 seed at the least. All they have to do is beat an over-rated Kansas team, and they’re in the elite 8 vs. a maybe over-rated Louisvulle team. Those are big name schools, so it’s not a stretch, so I’ll also throw in a couple of “directional” state schools. There always seems to be one or two sneaking into the sweet 16, so I’m going Northern Iowa, and Western Kentucky. Both face Big ten teams in the first rd, which is huge, and then have decent shots at whoever they see in rd. 2.

7. This is the year of the white guy in the NCAA tourney. Not that I’m thinking any one of them is going to do anything amazing, but there is just a lot of them this year. My personal fave, is the “hip-hop” “hey I’m a black guy white guy”. Ususally he’s actually the white guy with the palest complexion in the whole building. The Big East, is chock full of these guys. I never have figured out why the white guy, who wants to be black, is always super pale, and usually has a gay pencil thin mustache. Wouldn’t it be better to be as dark skinned as possible? You never see a guy like Syracuse’s Eric Devendorf or even Eminem with a tan, they’re always super-white, yet pretend to be black. Why is that? Perhaps that is the biggest question in this years tourney. That, and will any of the Duke players kiss after a big win?

Ugg Boots

It’s time for the next round of “Am I hot”

Instead of helping one particular person find out if they are hot, I thought we could help an entire class of people determine if they are hot, or if they look like total dipshits. So here we go.
Chicks in Ugg Boots, are they hot?

Everyone seems to be wearing these things http://pics.hoobly.com/full/YX9FV4KSUSUFLLM339.jpg It used to be, I looked forward to spring time, for warm weather, baseball, grilling out, camp fires, chicks wearing less clothing etc. etc. Now, I just want it to warm up enough so women stop wearing these damn things. The problem is, I think people in warm climates are wearing these things too. http://www.kissmestace.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/pamela-anderson-baywatch-ugg-boots.jpg It’s not just every day people, oh no. Normal people would have decided these things look retarded years ago. Something has to be fueling this trend. Celebrities. http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/11_04/uggsDM2811_468×512.jpg They’re the ones who made these damned things popular, and now we’re the ones paying the price. Normally hot women, are walking around looking like they just finished 2nd place in an Ewok shit-kicking contest. http://www.tailored.com.au/uploaded_images/ugg-boots-lady-757004.jpg People are now putting their kids in these things http://images.fanpop.com/images/image_uploads/Celebs—Uggs-ugg-boots-266163_274_321.jpg They’re like moon-boots, except not at all cool. Can you imagine what would have happened back in the day, if you got on the school bus on a snowy day wearing Ugg boots? You’d die, or at the very least get a swirlie, and be called “Care Bear” the rest of your childhood.
People who wear them always say the same thing. “They’re so comfortable” so are sweat pants, and you don’t see dudes going out dressed completely normal, except for a pair of old ketchup stained sweat pants. Then they say, “they’re made from sheep skin”. So are condoms that still let you get AIDS.

Is it possible, for a usually hot chick, to still be hot, while wearing these things? http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4607579/discount-ugg-boots-3-main_Full.jpg Or do they ruin everything?

You decide. And please, if your gonna vote, leave a comment, you don’t have to leave the email address, or even a real name, unless your name is Clay Aiken.

Fire in the hole!

Tonight, we had a guys night in our crib. The wifey was meeting some friends for dinner, so the D-man, and I were on our own for supper. When opportunities like this come around, rare as they may be, we take full advantage of them. Meaning, we eat dude food.
Dylan, keeps it pretty simple. Either some kind of chicken, fish, or finely chopped pieces of meat, with pasta, and veggies, and washes it all down with some delicious similac baby formula, and a sippy cup of water. Thats the normal dinner plan for the infant. We try to have him eat, what we are having, but it’s hard to season foods to the likings of an 11 month old, and a 30 year old, so we compromise. Not tonight. The plan was, for Dylan to get his usual supply of fruits and veggies, and maybe some pasta just to be safe. The boy needs his carbs. The real kicker, which I have been looking forward to since he was born, was for a father and son chicken wing night. Even as messed up as I am, I know babies aren’t gonna like hot wings, and a kid with 3 teeth is gonna struggle with wings. I was gonna do BBQ sauce, and chop up the meat, and maybe take a picture of him with a bone in his mouth to send to his mommy to freak her out. It was a good plan.
It started to go wrong when Rudi started barking at the neighbors on the other side of the fence. They have an open ended invitation to come over with their dog to play inside the fence whenever they want. I had decided against trying to watch the boy, and cook wings in the turkey fryer, the grill would work well enough. When the neighbors cam over, I got distracted. Dylan was laughing at Rudi, and the neighbors new puppy, and we were all chatting away. I kinda lost track of what was on the grill. By the time I noticed what was going down, or up in flames, it was way too late. Apparently, last fall when I shut down the grill for the season, I never really cleaned it out. There was pretty much an entire seasons worth of grease in the pan, and other grizzle on the bottom of the grill. Apparently, this becomes very flammable, when left unattended. The flames were massive. I aborted any attempt at rescuing the wings, I had to cut my losses there. I shut off the gas, closed the lid, and hoped the flames would fan out. it was windy today also. The giant grease candle underneath my grill, was gaining power. The thermometer had already looped it’s way around completely past the highest numbers (900 degrees) and was working it’s way back around for a second trip. I estimate it at around 1200 degrees, since it was all the way around once, and then back up to 300. I have a sweet BBQ smoker next to my gas grill. It now has a cover with a really awesome melted hole in the one side. I was able to win the battle with the fire on the smoker cover, but I was losing the war. Has anyone ever seen the top of a small propane grill when it gets to be 1200 degrees or so? It gets surprisingly red. I avoided the urge to throw any water on it, and the urge to sit something on the lid to watch it melt. I have a small fixation with fire. The whole deck area was a big cloud of black smoke, as the grill was burning away anything, and everything inside of it. I realized I never did take those wings off, and I knew they were gone, but I still wanted to see. I opened the lid, and there went a good portion of my arm hairs, and maybe some eyebrows. Hair smells when it melts. Obviously, I never got a glimpse of the wings, there was a little bit of smoke pouring out. I decided the only thing to do, besides call the fire department, was to go inside, cut my losses, and let it burn out. Dylan still had to eat, and I had to pretty much re-start dinner. About an hour later, the smoke had cleared, and I inspected the damage. It was not good. There was surprisingly little left of any of the wings. I guess I creamated those fuckers. The fire retardant/weather resistant paint on the inside, and outside had not only melted away, but huge flakes were hanging off the lid. The grates were amazingly well cleaned, but of course the non-stick material on the surface is no more. Those V shaped bars that run between the flames, and the grate, look to have lost some girth. in fact, I think if you shut the lid hard enough, they will just crumble away into dust. Those shitty little briquettes the grill company gives you to put on the  bottom rack, are now little marbles. The only good news out of all this, is the grease trap is almost completely empty.
That grill had a good run. If anyone is wondering what to get me for flag day, a new gas grill would be awesome. 
Dinner wasn’t a total wash. Dylan was nice enough to let me have some of his delicious chicken nuggets. Nuggets with Montgomery  Inn BBQ sauce, might be my new favorite food. I recommend everyone tries it. It wasn’t chicken wings, but it was still pretty awesome.

Hockey Confrence

Not all of the polls are in yet, but I’m ready to call this thing. The Big Ten, is now a hockey only confrence. I know, technically, there is no Big Ten hockey. The Big Ten schools are either in the CCHA, or the WCHA, but it’s all the same really. It’s over Big Ten, it really is.
I started to come to this conclusion about 2 minutes into the second half of the Ohio State vs. USC football game last fall. It might be better for everyone if the Big Ten just stops playing sports all together, and re-group for a few years. OSU Football, can go independant like Notre Dame, until we get the kinks worked out. My logic was, the only team that could even be considered as decent from the Big 10 in football was Ohio State, and they had no idea how to play against good teams from other confrences, and they had just gotten destroyed, yet again. The worst part is, talent wise, OSU is either even, or above anyone they play, but they still screw it up. They are the Dallas Cowboys of College football. Penn State made a little run at mediocrity, but come on, we all know they sucked. As a confrence, the Big Ten has Ohio State, and some really shitty teams. Making OSU measure themselves against the other Big Ten teams, just sets them up to fail, as soon as they go outside the confrence.
I was hoping Basketball season was going to be different. “The Big Ten has the highest RPI” everyone says. “They could send 7 or 8 teams to the big dance”, is what the talking heads say on t.v. No matter how bad any Big Ten team plays, you keep hearing the talk, “it’s such a deep confrence, anyone could win it”. Just like in football, you have one good team at the top (MSU) and the rest of the league pretty much just blows. Just like in football, the team at the top has no shot at winning it all. Have we all forgot what UNC did to MSU? Anyone remember what WVU did to OSU? It was not good. As a lifelong Big Ten fan, I say this, just take the bare minimum of Big Ten teams, they have no business playing in the tourney. Usually, I hate seeing the small schools nobody has ever heard of in the big dance. Even if they pull off the miracle, it’s usually just one game, two at the most they will win, and all that gets us is some ruined brackets, and horrible elite 8 matchups. This year, who cares. Let the shitty schools have a go at it. If not that, just take all the spots you were going to give to the Big Ten teams, and hand them out to the Big East, or ACC schools who are on the bubble. No team from the Big Ten has a chance to win more than two games. If MSU gets the right matchup, they could maybe, just maybe see the elite 8, but that’s a stretch. I am an admitted OSU homer, and I pray every night, that somehow they get left out, and can go back to the N.I.T. We can win that one. I know, it feels awesome seeing that you got into the NCAA tourney, and then you realize, you actually suck, and will see your team lose on the big stage. It’s not fear, I’ve grown immune to seeing my team get whomped. I keep hearing people say OSU is going to make the tourney, and all I can say is why? Is it really that awesome to “qualify” for a tournament, where you are certain to get destroyed? A tournament where an Ivy league team also gets into? Ohio State fans keep wondering why we lose game after game. For some reason, the Buckeye faithfull seems to think we’re actually good at basketball. We are not. In fact, we suck pretty bad actually. We have two 7 footers, who either of which, may not get a rebound on any given night. More times than not, they are at least 4 inches taller than the opponents biggest man, and still get dominated. They even talk about how we could have 3 more Buckeye first round picks in the NBA this year. Evan Turner is a stud, and hell, if Daquan Cook can get drafted, you have to think someone taller, and twice as talented, and versatile will get picked also. B.J. Mullens, pleasego to the NBA, I will drive you to the workouts in New York, and put you up in a hotel, if you promise to just go away. I thought last years Buckeye bust Kosta Koufos was the softest college 7 footer I have seen, and I was wrong, it is Mullens. Buckeye fans on the radio plead for this turd to come back for next year. I have no idea why anyone would want that. Is he going to do roids the entire offseason? Yeah, he’s tall, but his stats blow, and hardly any of the other teams have a 7 footer, so why do we need one?
Every NCAA show I watch keeps naming various Big Ten teams that they say are “In”, and other who “just miss the dance”. Let’s do the sports world a favor, and send MSU, and that’s it. Let’s make the NIT the new Big Ten tourney. Maybe let Indiana into the Big dance, just because they suck bad enough, that if they go against Pitt, or Oklahoma, or UCONN, or UNC, they may not score, and that would be must see t.v.
I’m hereby offering Ohio States NCAA tourney spot, to Davidson. Yes, they suck just as bad as we do, but I want to see more Stephen Curry.
If you’re a fan of Purdue, Michigan, Wisconsin, Penn State, or Northwestern, don’t root for your team to get in. It will end poorly for you, that you can take to the bank. Go for the NIT, it’s kinda fun. You play some of the games at home, and you get the spotlight all to yourself for about 2 hours. I kinda like it actually.
Seeing your school get picked for the NCAA tourney is not all it’s cracked up to be. Where else do we get excited about anything that spells our impending doom. Should we celebrate getting a letter from the IRS stating that we are being audited? Should we all jump up off the couch, and hug each other, when our name gets called in the waiting room at the proctologist?
There’s no shame in sucking at sports Big Ten fans. Not having your team play in the big dance frees up your time so you can devote it to what really matters. Betting on the important games. Do yourself a favor, pick against any Big ten team in the first rd, no matter who they play. Grab some beers, fill out a bracket, or two, put down some cash on the games, and enjoy.
Besides, the NCAA Hockey tourney is about to start, and we can dominate that one.

Save the Hineygate!

In the past, I have used this blog to pretty much just dick around, and get a few laughs. I feel that now, I have to take a break from all that, and use it for a greater cause.

Something that scares the hell out of me, and has been flying under the radar, needs to be brought to public attention. What better way than by exposing it to the 9 people who read this blog. Here it is.
The famous Hineygate party, held at each Ohio State Home Football game, will soon be no more. It’s the big party, right on Lane Ave. in front of the Holiday Inn. For years, it’s been home to The Danger Brothers Band, who show up and play, nearly every single game. It’s also been a spot for many great memories, for years, and years. Beer, music, football, and chicks showing their boobies. It doesn’t get any better than that. Soon, it may be gone forever. The University has purchased the Holiday Inn building, where hineygate has been held, and is turning the building into student housing, thus meaning no more Hineygate.
How can this be? How can something so loved, and so popular, for so many years be taken away? For decades, Hiney gate has been the spot people flock to for each Buckeye home game. Ask anyone who’s ever been to an OSU game, what they think of when they think about OSU home games, and they will almost always bring up Hiney Gate. It’s what we’re known for. Sure, there are a ton of great traditions for OSU fans, but Hineygate, and the Varsity club, are by far the top two. Even fans who have only been to one game, have been to Hineygate. For generations of Buckeye fans, it’s been a place to tailgate before the game, watch it on the big screen, and either drown your sorrows, or celebrate a victory afterwards. Plus, there was chicks flashing boobs, and large ammounts of beer. Hineygate, was heaven on earth.
The very fact that they are going to turn the ole Holiday Inn building into student dorms, blows my mind. How can anyone study if they live in that building, with all it’s party history? That building has been the site of more un-planned pregnancies, than all the backseats of all the cars in America. Even fat dudes can get laid if they have a room upstairs at Hineygate. The building itself might as well be made of roofies, instead of bricks and mortar. The exterior has been soaked with so much beer scented urine, that even after a nuclear war, it will still smell like pee.

Hiney gate before the game, is a place you can take the whole family, depending on how big the game is. There’s food, beverages, and music. They’ll play any early games on the big screen, so you can hang out and have a good time before hand. As the day goes on, it, it gears up for a more older crowd. After the game, the big screen starts showing shots of women in the crowd, who are kind of obligated to lift up their tops. It’s their patriotic duty. People in the hotel windows above, will do the same, all to the joy of the crowd below. The beer flows like wine, the Danger Brothers play songs nobody can remember except ‘Hang on Sloopy’, everyone has a great time, except the people who get arrested for having sex, or peeing in the parking lot, but they at least have an awesome story for when they get home, and will surely come back for more. Either way, it’s a tradition that needs to live on, in some form or another.
Right now, there are just small groups trying to save hineygate. They tried to buy the lot next door, which is known as the Riverwatch party, which is less crowded, but serves Coors products, and should be banned forever. Yeah, it’s not nearly as crowded, you can actually hear what the person you are talking to is saying, but lets face it. Coors sucks really bad.
There is a group on the gay website facebook.com http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=69281914045 trying to save Hineygate, but come on, it’s facebook. They have slightly less power, and ability to help the cause than any 7th grade student council. There are a few websites that tried to step up, and help the cause, but most are no longer on the web. There is an “official” Hineygate web site http://chesrownhineygate.com/ which is pretty much just pictures of motsly un-attractive people, put up by one of the sponsors, who is a car dealer, and likely has no money to help the cause. There is another site, that pretty much just has photos, but talks about boobies, so it’s a little better. http://hineygatepics.tripod.com/
There is another site offering, Hineygate the movie http://hineygatethemovie.com/ but all it says is, coming soon. I’m sure they’re just waiting for next years Oscars on that one. The Danger Brothers, have been little help either http://www.dangerbrothers.com/ Their site, seems to be stuck halfway through last season.

Something needs to be done people. Someone has to step up. I guess it will be me. I hereby am naming myself the new OSU Tailgating Czar. I will rule with an iron fist. My goal, is to either overthrow the University itself, or convince the free world to find a way to keep this great tradition alive. Whichever requires the least effort. I figure this thing can go two ways.
1. Find a way to get them to halt their efforts to turn the Holiday Inn into a dorm. This would require either declaring it an historic landmark, or buying it back from Ohio State, which will never happen. What we need here, is for enough people to step up, and tell their stories about how this building has changed their life. If we could get some descendants of former slaves to say it was somehow part of the underground railroad, that would be huge. We could also say that enough dorky, or fat OSU fans lost their virginity there, maybe that would work. Hineygate was the first place I ever saw live boobs as a youngster, and also two women kissing, so it’s officially historical for me.
2. The other option, is to either raise enough money to have a new Hineygate, or just move it. Moving it would be the most logical. Re-do the parking around the Varsity Club, and Conrads, and have it back there. Combining the two most famous Buckeye football landmarks, the VC, and Hineygate, just makes sense. Another option, would be to close down Lane Ave, and make Hineygate a big block party. This would eliminate seeing people in the windows above having sex, but it would still be decent. Of course, the last option, the “Alamo” if you will, would be to just give me a ton of cash, and a temporary liquor license, and I’ll run Hineygate, at a yet to be determined location. Sure I would fail to get a permit, and yeah, I’d serve beer to minors, but it would be an amazingly good time.

So I ask all of you out there, get on the phone, get on the net. Call your politicians, send them letters, send them emails. Demand we keep hineygate around for generations to come. Call Obama, or call Scarlett Johanson, and have her text him about our struggle. Do something, anything! We can do this, we can find a way. Our tailgating future depends on it!

“In this economy…”

If I hear that phrase one more time, I’m gonna snap. You can’t go more than 10 minutes without hearing someone say “In this economy…” blah, blah, blah. What other economy would one be in anyway? Every news network, has a contest to see who can say the words “In this economy” the most. The winner gets a Douchie Award. I like how they say it, like we have different economies to choose from. Unless you are looking to buy stocks, or invest in something, or debating how much to pump into your 401k, does it matter what economy it is? If you still have a job, it’s not that huge of a deal. Yes you likely have lost some money from your retirement, or stock portfolio, but it will come back. If you need a new vehicle, and have the cash, buy one, don’t worry about what the news says. I get that they are trying to say people should be smart with their money, but doesn’t that just excuse people to be idiots with their cash when there isn’t an economic crisis? Here’s a tip for everyone. It shouldn’t take an economic meltdown to keep you from blowing all your cash, or living entirely off of credit. A Jar-Jar Binks Fathead is a bad investment, even during a bull market. With the exception of the jobs lost over the past 9 months, there is still more Americans with jobs, than any time in history. Even the poorest Americans, still have it better than people in the majority of the rest of the world.
The news networks make it that much worse. After you watch it, you’d swear we were all standing in a bread line, hoping for food. Yeah, it sucks, but really what can you do?
All I care about, is that people stop saying “In this economy” when they are talking about how people should live their lives. “In this economy, people have to be smart with their money”. As opposed to….?
The real reason I am so upset, is a little selfish, I do admit. For years, I would use the line “In this economy…” to get people to do something stupid, and hillarious. Whenever someone around me was drunk, I would try to egg them on to do something, I knew they would regret, with a simple mind trick. I’d say something like “In this economy, you can’t afford not to slap that police horse’s balls”. Or, “In this economy, you’d be a fool not to eat that entire family sized canister of baked beans that’s been sitting in the sun all day”. I would have variations like, “The way this economy is going, you can’t afford not to buy a hooker” or ” The way this economy is going, throwing that beer onto the field is the best investment you can make.” It sounds stupid, but it worked a lot. Not all the time, but some of the time. Really it only takes one time, to make an amazing story. I have found that the more extreme the act was, that I was trying to convince a drunk person to do, the less success I would have. I found a way around it though, by often times throwing a small amount of cash into mix, you could change everything. You’d be surprised what you can get people to do, when they are shit-housed, and you offer them $28. It wasn’t just for drunk dudes either. Saying, “In this economy, you can’t afford not to show me your boobs” worked surprisingly well. lines like that were pretty much my go-to move with the ladies from 1999-2002, with mixed results.
Now however, people hear it so much, I’m beginning to worry it’s gonna lose it’s luster. What line am I gonna use to score a free refill at the bar now? How else can I convince my wife to, well…you know, if the ole “In this economy” line has been used up, by dickheads on t.v.? Is this the end of the golden age of deception for me? Or, is this going to take it to a whole new level. I’ve decided before I bag one of my favorite lines of all time, because it is now being over-used on a mass scale, I’m gonna ask some of you to use it even more. So here’s the assignment. Next time you’re trying to get someone to have sex with you, try to convince them that “In this economy” it’s the smart move, and let me know how it works. If you are out on the town, and someone has had too much to drink, use the “In this economy, you can’t afford not to (fill in a random act of stupidity here) line, and tell me how it works. I figure, if everyone starts using it,  it’s either going to lose it’s power entirely, or boost my powers of deception to a godlike level. I’ll keep trying it on my own, but I need your help internetters.
Now, if it gets too popular, and becomes some gay teen catchphrase, I’m going to load the rifle, and head on up the bell tower, and start picking people off. There is a bell tower by my house, and it’s huge. Besides, in this economy, I can’t afford not to.

Who’s it gonna be

As it becomes more and more apparent that one, if not all of the major American Automakers is going to go down like a whore after an expensive night out. It’s time to pool all the available resources together, and take bets on which one goes first. One could use basic accounting, revues of union contracts, sales forecasts, or look at each companies plans at redemption, to see who goes first, and who has a chance at survival. This is America though, we can do better than that. I feel basic gambling is the best way to go about this business. Where can we take bets to see who goes first? There’s two ways we can go about this. The first is to use my highly developed skills as a handicapper to see who goes belly-up first. Using my methods we delve into the world of the Auto industry, and a struggling economy to pick our winner/loser.
First, Chevrolet is totally fucked, thus taking all of G.M. down in the process. The reasoning behind this logic is simple. First, I have bought a few Chevy’s in my day, and paid for repair after repair pretty much like clockwork as soon as the warranty goes bye bye. I lost my spare key, and was informed there was no way to have it replaced, leaving me with just the one key. Lucky for me, this is the land of the free, and the home of the shady businessman, and the guy at the Key making counter at Lowes will make a copy of your penis for an extra $20. Poor customer service, mediocre warranty, and a you-pay-for-everything service plan, along with shitty sales will doom G.M. The biggest downfall for them however, is Chevrolet. The word itself is as french as hairy women, and over-priced wine. The complete and total history of every war ever has shown us, that the french, and anything associated with them is the first to wave the white flags. Chevy is in the history books by Bastille day.

This leaves us Ford, and Daimler Chrysler. This is a tuffy so to speak. On one hand, you have the German backed stall-wort, that would rather die trying, than go down without honor. On the other you have the one place where 90 cents out of every redneck dollar ends up. Ford motor Co. has sucked more money out of trailer parks than scratch off lottery tickets, and Nascar combined. Throw in Toby Keith, and the Dirty Jobs guy, and they have enough cashflow to get through until the night race at Bristol. History has taught us that Germany will use every resource to continue the fight. After WW-1, Germany pretty much left itself with 4 mules, 2 hookers, a blimp and a wagon full of kegs, and still almost conquered Europe. They kept going long after they knew they were done. Fighting a losing battle was better than going home to fat German chicks, and a cupboard full of Saur kraut. Even with their whole world torn apart, they still almost managed to take over the world in just a couple of decades. In the end, the Germans will head back home to the Rhineland, in a bunch of U-boats with Mercedes hood ornaments on them, leaving ford to not only rule the American Auto industry, but also run a short lived Nascar, and Monster truck monopoly. The smart money is on Ford. they have the strength, and guidance to survive this crisis, all the way into summer of 2009. After all, they are run by the same people who brought us the 2008 Detroit Lions. A team that was able to do what no other team had done in major American sports. Loose everything that came there way.

Congrats Ford! You will be the last man standing in the bread line.

There is of course one other way to decide who can outlast the other. A way so diabloical, and immoral that it should only be used as a last resort. The Chris “curse”. You see, I need a new truck, and had planned on buying one by now. Seeing all of this start to unfold, I’ve gone to the sidelines to wait it all out. If I am to drop 30+ grand on a truck, I need a warranty. Not that anyone’s warranty means more than the next guy’s, I just know I’m gonna end up buying the truck that was put together the day after they announce they are laying off the very people who put my truck together. It’s going to fall apart, I know this, history has proven this theory. The kicker is, whicher company I choose to buy from, is doomed. In the world of sports, my team either finishes dead last, or gets destroyed in the finals. If I jump on a random teams bandwagon in the playoff’s, they will lose, in dramatic fashion. If I buy an appliance, no matter how great the reviews are, it’s going to break down. With a car or truck, the same is almost doubled. So maybe I can go on the payroll of one of these companies. Whichever two companies offer me the most, I’ll then buy one from the lowest bidder. This will not only help me out with a little extra cash, but it will cut off some of the fat from this economy of ours.
Now that’s a stimulus plan!

On with the next round….

Well the votes are in. Casey Anthony, is hot. Despite all her flaws, and lack of a soul, she just so happens to be hot, as decided by the voters. Sadly though, a few folks voted her as Not Hot. The bastards didn’t even have the decency to explain “why they think she is not hot”, so we’ll just have to assume one of the votes was cast by Clay Aiken (she’s sooo not his type) and the other by that goofy mexican dude in the background of the one photo (she did break his heart). So let’s all move forward knowing, that even though she may be the worst person alive, she is nice to look at. In fact, some of our readers have already signed up to be on the waiting list for her first round of “conjugal” visits. Keep us posted on that one fellas.
The important part is this, the “Am I Hot” experiment, was a huge success. The day it was first posted, saw nearly 200 visitors come to this site. Now, I admit, most were from that religious website, that may have put a link here, and may also have said some really horrible things about me. Either way, we all had fun, and we should do it again some time.
During all this, I did get a little sentimental about some of the other fun topics we discuss here, and it occurred to me. The ‘Who Would You Rather Bang’ thing has been lost for some time. So Lets get to it!
The topic this time around, is ‘Chris’ Childhood Favorite Things’. Now, it would be pretty awesome, if we voted between the things from my childhood that I loved such as, The dwarf kid from the movie ‘Willow’ (who was also Wicket from Return of The Jedi) and Chris Sabo, but you guys deserve better than that. So This time, I think I have the best, and likely most competitive head to head matchup in WWYRB history.
Daisy Duke vs. Wonder Woman!

Now, it’s simply for their fictional charcters, not the actresses who played them. That would not be close, Daisy Duke took a horrible nose dive after that show ended. http://www.zimbio.com/Catherine+Bach So lets digress.

Daisy Duke: The Woman of my dreams, for pretty much the first one third of my life. http://www.scifidesktop.org.uk/gallery/albums/actresses/A-F/Catherine-B/Catherine_Bach_004.jpg Ahh memories. Daisy Duke, was by far, the hottest “cousin” of all time. http://thewambank.com/uploaded/celebrities/thumbnails/48/cbach9_450.jpg Not only did she look good, she was just the gal you wanted around if ever you were in a pickle. She really knew how to get you out of a tight spot, or in one http://s64.photobucket.com/albums/h180/lucidfilms/?action=view&current=Catherine_Bach_00000428.jpg Daisy was also pretty hot behind the wheel http://www.andydy.com/images/dixiejeep/daisy_duke_jeep.jpg and on the hood as well. She could drive a jeep Wrangler as well as any of the thousands of Gay dudes who have bought one since then. Even though she lived in a dump with her “Uncle, and two cousins” she was still smokin hot. Perhaps her only downfall, was her ‘dirty Cooter’  http://www.dukefarm.co.uk/Season%202_files/image025.jpg  When I was a young boy, I could not wait to turn 21, so I could order a round of beers at the Boars Nest http://www.freewebs.com/hazzardhaven/cap157.bmp Sadly, the show was cancelled, after Boss Hog was caught in that sex scandal, and the world moved on. I did not however. Daisy Duke will always be #1 in my heart, and on my lunch box. After all, she did invent one of the most popular, and lasting fashion trends of all time. The Daisy Duke http://msp29.photobucket.com/albums/c299/mkd55/IMG_0283.jpg

Wonder Woman: The only chick from the 80’s who had a shot at taking down Daisy Duke, and she did way more than that. http://bothhands.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/wonder-woman-color-001.jpg She pretty much just wore the one outfit, but man did she ever wear it http://www.cinemaretro.com/uploads/wonder-woman.jpg Anyone who followed the show as close as I did, knew Wonder Woman was a mythical Princess, named Diana from the Land of the Amazons, who disguised herself as Diana Prince. She had this awesome invisible jet, which was very practical since she herself could fly. Her weapon’s of chocie were the lasso of truth, her super powered bracelets, and her “cans of destiny”  http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v451/gohabs/wonder_woman.jpg Wonder Woman may be the most immitated charcter of all time http://www.mydisguises.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/funny_wonder-woman.jpg but none will ever top the original. http://www.carollyne.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/wonderwoman.jpg Oh wonder woman, where have you gone? This world needs you now, more than ever, and so do I. If not Wonder Woman, we’d all be lucky to settle for the chick who played her, Lynda Carter http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v438/kjv31/7782/lynda_carter_poster.jpg Now, who wouldn’t mind seeing her in a pair of Daisy Dukes?

Let the voting begin, and please leave comments if you vote, otherwise, what the hell is the point?

Where will they go now?

It seems like every day, our economy takes another step back. Today, it got worse. To date, a lot of people have seen their retirement savings take a big hit, or wiped out entirely. Now it seems, an entire group of people are left out in the cold. Shitty former Reds players. For the past several years, shitty former Cincinnati Reds players have had a fall-bck plan. A place to go, to live out their shitty, once promising careers. The Washington Nationals. Former Reds General manager, Jim Bowden, who was ran out of town in Cincinnati, found a way to not only run a professional baseball team, but he also found a way to bring all of his coveted “prospects” with him. If you were in the Reds organization in the 1990’s, had a lot of “potential”, and sucked at baseball, Bowden found a job for you in Washington. As the Reds G.M. Bowden was always on the hunt for what they call “five star prospects”. Once he got a hold of them, he wasn’t letting go, no matter how bad they actually sucked. If a team was stupid enough to try and trade for one of them, he would shoot it down, and insist that this player was “un-tradeable”. Alfonso Soriano for Pokey Reese straight up? Yeah right. Only a fool would give up Pokey. Adam Dunn for Bartolo Colon in his prime? That would have been stupid. Bowden, will still insist these are great players. However, his dream of fielding a team consisting of only former Reds players will fall short, as he just resigned as G.M. of the nationals. he was so close. he had Austin Kearns, Adam Dunn, and Willy Mo Pena together again, in the same outfield. Imagine how many times those guys could strike out if we just gave them the chance. Guys like Felipe lopez, who never actually had “potential” or “talent” could always count on Bowden to give them free money. Dimitri Young, who had long since lost any hint of abillity? Sign him up. He would even bring in retired Reds guys, and give them a job. Barry Larkin got paid big bucks, to do pretty much nothing. In the end, Bowden’s lack of abillity as a General manager finally caught up with him. That, and stealing money from Dominican prospects, according to the reports. He even found a way to bring down a former Reds legend with him. Jose Rijo, at one time, the most promising of all Reds prospects, might have been helping Jim Bowden steal that money. It’s sad really. Somewhere out there guys like Jason Larue, Paul Wilson, and Danny Graves, have nowhere to go.